Divine Intervention
by ImaginaryHeart
Summary: AH/AU. Love surpasses the fear of letting go and of becoming who you were meant to be. In those moments of choice, truth exposes itself to us in the most important of ways: raw and untamed. Will Jacob make the right choice?
1. Prologue

_**Disclaimer:**_ _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

_**Soundtrack: **_http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

Suggested Listening: The Fray – Hundred; Gavin Rosdale – Love Remains the Same; OneRepublic ft. Sara Bareilles – Come Home.

This hospital room encased everything that mattered to me. The white walls and faded blue wallpaper bordered with clowns, balloons, and sail boats ridiculed my fears with excitement. Constant beeps from the machines surrounding us rhythmically matched the tiny thumping beneath my fingers. I smiled. A tiny pair of eyes stared up at me. From the bottoms of my feet to the top of my head, love exuded me. It was in that exact moment that I knew the true meaning of love and fear. I loved everything about this person staring at me, and I feared everything about her. With her came tasks and rules to be enforced. I could do that, but she also came with the fear of messing up, forgetting, hurting, scarring. She was the most precious thing in my life now. This tiny little being with coal black hair, almond-shaped eyes, and a broad nose was everything I could not be, but everything I should be.

Her plump lips opened and her nose scrunched as her arms stretched out above her head. A small exhale left her little body as she smacked her mouth closed.

"You tired, baby girl?" I asked, placing my forefinger just under her bottom lip and wiggling it, causing her lip to move back and forth. The corner of her lip curled up in a smirk that somehow caused my heart to skip a beat. My chest burned with excitement. I couldn't wait to see her smile fully or sit up on her own. Watching her move in the tiniest of ways made me want to video tape her 24 hours a day and go to the nearest store to buy the "Proud Dad" t-shirt I always used to poke fun of when I was little. I had no idea how a father could be so proud of something so small...until now. Somehow, seeing something that used to be a part of me yawn and stretch then smirk at me made me feel like walking on water was possible. I would do anything for her, anything.

My Dad used to tell me you never truly understood the love of a parent until you become one. I hadn't believed him until now. Throughout Bella's pregnancy he would smirk and laugh at the slightest bit of panic I felt. I never knew what that panic was. I never understood. Three days ago it all came into focus when the better half of me came into this world. All of the panic and fear was replaced with undeniable love. Although that fear and panic still pounded through my veins, love overcame everything.

A different type of fear encased me that day. The fear of loss - of never knowing - exploded in my chest. Things weren't supposed to turn out this way. We were supposed to leave with our daughter today. We were supposed to take her home, but Bella couldn't come with us. Bella was sick, pale, and tired. Always tired. Last night, she slipped into a deep sleep and this morning no one could wake her. The doctors said she had lost a lot of blood. The nurses started whispering as they walked past the room, and by the looks of pity and sadness on their faces, the outlook couldn't be too good.

I needed to touch her, to show her what we'd created together. So, I stood up with our daughter in my arms and took the two steps to the hospital bed where the beeping kept me from losing my mind. At least these machines would never whisper something behind my back. As long as they beeped, that meant she was alive and I would fight for her life. Fighting for her was all I'd ever known.

Bending over, I pressed my cheek against hers and cringed at the cold, clammy skin that touched mine. Our daughter was nestled in my arms that were now resting against Bella's chest. She didn't have a chance to see our daughter. The blood came just as quickly as the baby. It was everywhere and unexpected - so unexpected. The doctors didn't have a chance to ask me to leave the room or bark out orders to someone else to make me leave. It was a split-second decision that saved her life. And I could not thank them enough.

"I need you here," I whispered tenderly into her ear and left a soft kiss there. A tear trickled down my cheek as I glimpsed toward the bundle of perfection sleeping peacefully...just like her mother. She looked so much like Bella, but also like me.

My chest heaved with a heaviness that I'd carried around with me for the past three days. It was the "what ifs" and "maybes" that I would continue to carry until she woke up. Bella was everything to me. She always had been, but not exactly the way you would think. We may have created this beautiful and amazing child together, but it wasn't in the most "honorable" of ways.

Bella was my best friend, my confidant. Things changed between us our senior year of high school, and continued to change over the passing years. We were always there for each other even when in the toughest of times. In college, our friendship took a drastic turn – a turn that we could not overcome. And that's how this little miracle in my arms was here today. I wouldn't change a thing about how she got here. I was happy that she was here alive and breathing.

I swallowed back the questions in my throat. There was no need to think about that now. No need to think about the negatives. I had to be positive. I had to stay positive, because I'd never forgive myself if something happened to Bella. What if one negative thought was what took her away?

I needed her. I wanted her to come home. Not back to the "hole-in-the-wall" apartment she called a home, but the home I'd made for us. The home that was erected with nothing but her on my mind. Though, at the time, I may not have known what I was doing, I had built a home for Bella and me. She had been my inspiration for, well, everything in my life. Bella was responsible for all I had, and without her I'd be nothing but dust. I would choose to become dust if something happened to her.

A squirm in my arms and the smallest of squeaks left me feeling guilty. How could I think such a thing when the single most important person rested in my arms waiting to begin her life? She would be what I fought for now. She was my main reason for breathing. She was the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. I would turn my life upside down for her.

This little girl had won my heart over in the past nine months of gestation. I couldn't begin to explain the way I felt watching her become a part of this world, and I couldn't imagine what the rest of my life would be like. I couldn't wait to get to know this perfect little person sleeping in my arms. I smiled down at her and hoped someday she would get to know her mother.

Then, just like that, the beeping that had kept me sane, that had kept the hope alive and beating in my chest, stopped. A long steady beep circled the room jerking my attention to the monitor. My daughter twisted in my arms as she began to cry and scream with the loud buzzing of the machine. I glanced up through the glass windows of the ICU to the nurse's station. Panic-stricken faces stared into the room and past me to the baby in my arms who would probably never get to meet her mother. They moved quickly, but it was all in slow motion to me.

I glanced back down at Bella, the woman I'd…loved…for so many years, then to the baby in my arms who lay there screaming and wiggling in discomfort. I couldn't do this alone. My chest tightened and burned. God, I could not do this alone.

Was I breathing?

I looked back to Bella. Her chest lay still. Her face was a peaceful pasty white. I swallowed. "Bella."

The door to the room pushed open. My eyes shifted to the doctor and then back to.. "My Bella." My heart pounded deep in my chest. I looked down at my daughter, and back to Bella. "No."

"Someone get Mr. Black out of here." The white coated man spoke slowly – his voice deep and drawn out to my own ears.

"Mr. Black," a cool hand floated to my arm bringing with it the presence of time. "I'm Esme. Why don't you and your daughter come out here with me."

I nodded. My mouth was suddenly dry. I tried swallowing, but had somehow forgotten how to do that. Esme clutched my arm and began to lead me toward the thick glass doors. Where was I going? I didn't want to leave Bella. I couldn't leave Bella. She…she…she had to come home.

Roots seemed to shoot out of my feet and planted into the ceramic tile below. My upper body swayed as Esme pulled my shoulder, but my feet stayed put. I kept my eyes on the maneuvers the doctors were performing on Bella. It was all sinking in, slowly absorbing into my pores, my muscles, my veins, my heart, my brain. Bella was giving up the fight. She'd given me everything she had wanted to give, and I reluctantly and selfishly declined her the most important request.

Bella didn't want our daughter to grow up with separate parents in separate states living separate lives. Her only wish for us was to stay together. "Even if you don't love me..." her voice rattled in my brain, but I couldn't... No, not couldn't, wouldn't. And why wouldn't I?

My daughter wriggled in my arms as a screaming cry left her tiny little body. I looked to my little girl, my everything, and time stopped. Nurse Esme's fingers still grasped my shirt, but she was frozen - her body stiff and rigid with the lack of time on her side. My eyes moved across the floor to the curtain hanging next to Bella's bed. The curtain curved around the pushing hand of the doctor next to it. Their timeless figures stilled in the night. Then I saw the doctor hovering over Bella. His hands pushed down on her chest. His body frozen like stone. And Bella...

She lay there lifeless like a marble statue. The roots holding my feet vanished, and I unconsciously walked to her bedside. The lights dimmed with every footstep. My eyes never left her peaceful face even as the room faded to black. As I approached her bed, my hand reached out and grabbed a hold of hers. Forcefully, I shoved my fingers into her palm. She was cold, so cold.

The little girl in my arms wiggled and my attention diverted to her, as she had become the most important gift to me in less than three days. My eyes fixated on the moving baby and the room faded to black. The only light left in the room was a blaring white light searing down upon the three of us. That too slowly faded from Bella's cold, stone-like body, pulling her life further from reach. Intently, I watched as the light drew back over her cold, pale skin until there was nothing left but a pit of blackness. Suddenly, I was left alone with my daughter resting snugly in the crook of my arm. Her screaming had stopped and her face relaxed into a peaceful slumber. The invisible tears she cried ceased. Her plump lips turned up into a smile and then, swiftly, the searing white light yanked my daughter into the darkness.

A gasp of air escaped me. "What? No!" I yelled out into the black abyss, not entirely sure of what was going on or if anyone could hear me. I did not care, because I had lost the two most precious things in my life. Faintly, though, if I stopped and concentrated, I could still feel the coldness of Bella's fingers and the warmth of my daughter bundled in my arms. That feeling eased the pain in my chest and the blood in my eyes.

"What's going on?" I whispered, dropping my head and letting a few tears of weakness escape me.

Wind blew across my body so quickly that my clothes clung to me. My hair gusted behind me in a thick, stringy mess. I brought my face up to the wind as it briskly blew a warmth over me. It heated my skin, though my insides were like ice.

A circular white orb of light shot out of the dark as warm wind floated around me. I didn't move. I didn't breathe as the light picked up speed and soared through the air. The orb continued its swerving path around the dark room across the crook of my arm that still held my invisible child and around the hand that was clutching Bella's fingers. The light surrounded my body once more and returned to the center of the blackened room. The light began to illuminate the darkness. The round orb morphed vertically until it reached the indistinguishable floor beneath my feet.

The center of the elongated, glowing orb changed from pitch black to a dark gray. From the orb, a darkness appeared and stretched the sides of the glowing oval. I continued to watch as the darkness, now floating toward me, took the form of a person. Its vague figure stretched and contorted into a tall, moving being. As the being walked toward me, the darkness of it faded away and a glowing, healthy golden light emitted from her. This woman – being - walked toward me in a flowing white dress. Her hair floated around her face in the thick, warm wind that now engulfed all four of us. I glanced down to my bent arm to find it still empty and then to the hand in Bella's to find nothing but my imagination holding it in place.

"Jacob," a warm, sweet voice filled the darkness with light.

I knew that voice. I would have known it anywhere. I turned my eyes toward the glowing figure in front of me. She was just as beautiful as I remembered her. Tears pooled in my eyes. My throat felt like it was going to cave in on itself. Air pushed into my lungs and escaped me frighteningly loud.

"Mom?" The crack in my voice broke the dam holding my tears at bay. Soon they flooded my cheeks with years of grief.

"Jacob," she smiled and reached her glowing hand to my cheek. I closed my eyes at the warmth spreading across my body.

"I don't know what's happening," I whispered, leaning into her hand.

"I know, son." Her voice was deeper, and somehow softer than I remembered. But still, it had a ring to it that I couldn't forget. I didn't want to forget.

"Open your eyes." I obeyed her request, afraid that she might disappear again, that I might lose someone else important to me. I blinked a couple of times as the tears seemed to be in never-ending supply. Her glowing thumbs wiped across my cheeks just like she used to do when I'd scraped my knee or hit my head. "Do you love her?"

"I...I don't..." I cleared my throat, "I can't."

"Son," her smile faded. "Sometimes, there are people meant to be with us our whole lives, and sometimes there are people who come around long enough to provide you with what you need."

"What are you saying?"

She ignored my question and continued. "Just like me, Jacob. I was only meant to provide you and your father with what you needed, then it was time for me to go. I didn't want to go, but I had to. I was needed elsewhere. Son, I know that it's hard to let someone you love go..."

"Haven't I let go of enough, Mom? I mean..." Suddenly, I was embarrassed that I'd been so straightforward with my glowing angelic mother. "How many people do I have to lose until I have one that stays?"

"Jake," she whispered. "You have a choice."

"A choice?"

"Yes," her voice was now deeper and more solid.

"What is my choice?" I was confused, maybe a tad bit crazy, and scared.

"Your choice, my son, is love or fear?"

"Wha...what? How does that bring Bella back? How does that give me..."

"Again, I ask you, do you love her?" My mother's voice pleaded me to answer.

"Of course I love her, she's my best friend." My answer was the best I could do in the situation. How could I make a decision like that when I had everything to lose.

"No, son." As if she were interrupted by the glowing light still floating in the center of the room, Mom turned toward the light and nodded.

"Mom, how can I chose when I have so much to lose? This decision...it'll take from me someone important, someone that I can't live without..."

Those words were true. I couldn't live without Bella, and I couldn't live without the wonderful little girl we'd made. Surviving without either of them was like trying to live without oxygen. It was impossible. I would die without them both.

Suddenly, my mother placed her hand above my heart. Her warm presence seemed to warm the fabric of my shirt. That warmth bled down through the fabric to my skin, where the heat became almost unbearable. I glanced down to my mother's hand. Smoke rose from around the form of her fingers as the heat became hotter and my skin begin to sizzle. The fabric of my shirt seemed to disappear under her palm and the raging heat seared through my veins like lava. I gasped and grabbed her wrist as the fire began to burn inside of me. My body was burning, sizzling with inferno-like heat. It coursed through my veins, but my heart still beat radically. I cursed under my breath. The burning of the fire in my veins forced down my limbs, over my back, across my chest, through my heart, up my neck, around my face, and exploded in my eyes as a fiery ring of searing white-hot heat.

"Before you make a choice, let me show you," my mother's voice whispered in the wind. "Open your eyes and see the truth that's always been there."

My burning eyes opened to a movie screen. I glanced around me. I was seated in a theater that could fit more than 500 people. To my left, my mother sat with a bucket of popcorn and her eyes fixated on the screen. To my right, I could see the glass doors of Bella's hospital room. My figure stood frozen next to her bed, our daughter in my arms, and my hand grasping onto hers.

"Mom," I asked, my voice croaking with anxiety.

"Shhh..." she laughed and bounced slightly in her seat. "It's starting!"

"What's starting?" The question floated out of my mouth without a second thought. I rolled my eyes at myself and turned my head to the screen.

"I wonder what's going to happen?" Mom whispered into my ear.

I smiled at her sweetly and threw my hand into the bucket of popcorn as the ticking of the projector starting pulled my attention to the screen.


	2. Home

_**Disclaimer:**_ _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

_**Soundtrack: **_http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

Suggested Listening: The Fray – Hundred; Gavin Rosdale – Love Remains the Same; OneRepublic ft. Sara Bareilles – Come Home.

"When you love someone, it is a glorious feeling. Their happiness becomes the center of the world. Your love, the love that flows so deep inside you it feels like it has been branded into your bones, is suddenly the only thing keeping them alive. You become their sun. Their soul depends on you to survive. Their body breathes you in and soaks you up until you become a permanent part of them. Your souls intertwine in an eternity long dance. And, if you're lucky, you never lose that feeling... you never forget those first few moments of breath or the last few moments of life. Instead, you grow with the knowledge that love surpasses everything, that love surpasses the fear of letting go, and of becoming who you were meant to be. It's in those moments of choice that the truth exposes itself to us in the most important of ways: raw and untamed..."

Anxiously, I sat in the car waiting for my father, Chief Swan, to finish his conversation with Marybelle, the flight attendant on my flight home from Phoenix. I'd just come back from the 3 week "vacation" of visiting my mother, as I did every summer. Had she lived closer and been a better parent, I would have visited her every weekend. Renee was a great friend, but lacked in the mothering department. Our relationship had never been an issue to either of us. We both understood the needs she had and the lack thereof on my end. So, what we had together was nothing more than a great friendship, which made me kind of happy. Watching the few friends I had and their mothers interact made me feel at ease with my situation. A nagging mother was not something I thought I would need in my life.

My life since Mom and Dad had divorced was nothing short of boring. I stayed in Forks with my father, who I referred to by his first name, Charlie, whenever I was angry with him. Forks was small, rainy, cloudy, and dreary nearly every day, but I had grown accustomed to the cool brisk days - even during the summer. So, the time I did spend in Phoenix usually left me as red as a cooked lobster and as scaly as a snake shedding its skin.

But, not this time. Oddly enough, in all my seventeen years of being alive, this had been the first summer in history that I did not actually burn to a crisp. I had a slight but noticeable tan that I am sure would pale in comparison to my best friend, Jake.

Jacob Black lived on the Quileute reservation a few miles outside of Forks in La Push. We had met at the tender age of five and had spent nearly every day together since. Our dads were best friends. Billy, Jake's dad, liked to joke about our "friendship," saying that we would end up married someday with a house full of kids. Jake and I - we were on the same page about that – it would never happen. Not in a million years.

Sue Clearwater, Billy's girlfriend, said we came from the same soul. I was not too sure about that, though. Jake and I seemed one and the same at certain times, but other times it seemed as if he was fire and I was ice. We were almost polar opposites, but meshed well together. He always knew what I was thinking and how I felt long before I did. Silently, I wondered if he could feel the anticipation vibrating off of me as I waited for Charlie to stop hitting on Marybelle.

Glancing in the rearview mirror, I watched my dad grab his little black notebook from his jacket pocket, jot something down quickly, and then put the notebook back. Dad grinned his goofy, happy, "I'm the shit" grin and nodded along to whatever Marybelle was saying.

Seeing him socialize with other women was a blessing. Dad spent way too many nights worrying over me, that I had begun to worry about him. It was unhealthy for a man his age to only interact with men or teenage girls. Watching my Dad smile like that at someone of the opposite sex, and someone not under the age of twenty, really had me rooting for Marybelle. Hopefully, she was a good person. It seemed that way on the flight, but that was her job. She had to be nice.

It was all great, but I really wanted to get home so I could go visit Jacob.

Going three weeks without him was like going three weeks without the sun. I felt colder when I was away from him. My body felt chilled, even during the ninety degree evenings in Phoenix. All my brain, my body, my soul, my heart cared about was going to see him and sharing what little bit of exciting news I had.

Giddy in my seat, I twisted the handle to the window and rolled it down.

"Dad!" I yelled out the window, hating to interrupt his wonderful conversation, but needing to get things moving. My body was shaking with anticipation.

"Yeah, Bells?" Charlie answered.

"Can we go?" I twisted in my seat. "I'd like to go see Jake."

Charlie let out an agitated sigh and mumbled something to Marybelle before silently walking to the driver's side of the car, with Marybelle hot on his heels.

"Call me, okay?" Marybelle leaned forward and kissed the side of Dad's face.

I rolled my eyes, not due to being angsty or grossed out, but out of pure and utter anxiousness. My body was literally shaking. Those shakes would not go away until I was seated next to Jake somewhere, anywhere.

"Going through withdrawal Bells?" He chuckled like he was some comedian.

"Shut up and drive, Charlie." I eyed him as angrily as I could, which I had to admit looked more like a sick, pukey face than an intense teenage glare.

Luckily, Dad understood the bond of our friendship and drove as fast as the Chief of Police could. When we arrived home, I barely waited long enough for the car to roll to a stop before I jumped out and ran to the trunk of the car. I had not noticed the rusted, reddish- brownish, orange truck parked length wise in front of the house. And I sure as hell did not notice the tall, muscular, tanned Quileutes laughing their asses off at my lack of patience. I definitely did not see the silently beautiful brunette leaning against the side of my house.

But, what I did notice was the smile of my just-as-impatient best friend meeting me at the trunk of Dad's police car. His smile immediately warmed my chilled bones just as quickly as his arms lifted me up into one of the biggest, strongest, most welcoming hugs I had ever been given. It was so nice to be needed by him. His need for me completed me. I know that sounded weird, but it was true. To have someone that completed the rest of you at seventeen was like being given a driver's license at twelve. It was dangerous, reckless, and untamed.

"Jake!" I breathed him in with a squeal.

"Bells." Jake's voice seemed to have deepened over the three weeks I was gone - if that was even possible.

"I missed you so much," he whispered quietly in my ear, like he was afraid someone would hear him. Odd. He never used to care if anyone heard him say anything to me. Why did he suddenly care now?

Suddenly, my chest felt like a twenty pound weight rested there, as if someone had delivered a low blow - like I was afraid something was wrong. It was the first time I had ever felt unadulterated fear, but I did not know what I was afraid of. I could not understand the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach, telling me that my life was about to change, and not necessarily in a good way.

"I missed you too."

The words barely left my lips as the fear constricted them in my throat. Noticing the change in the air between us, Jake pulled back with a disgruntled, wrinkly nose. Was my fear that evident? Did he know that I knew something was wrong? Was he going to be the one to deliver that low blow - the one that would undoubtedly knock the air from my lungs? I tried to answer my own questions by watching his eyes. They never lied to me. They never led me on.

That was the thing about Jake, he was an incredibly bad liar. His almost black eyes told his truths even when his tongue spoke differently. And he knew that. Jake could not lie to me; I knew his secrets. I knew the places to look when he hid something. I knew him inside and out.

The downside of knowing his every hiding place was his understanding my awareness. He understood when he lied to me that he couldn't get away with it, so when he wanted to keep something to himself, he avoided eye contact. And that was just what he did. His eyes darted back and forth, focusing on random objects, looking at Dad, studying my suitcases, and even glancing at my cheeks.

"Bells," he said as his full lips quirked upward on one side. "You have a tan!"

It was just as surprising to him as it was to me. So? I didn't tan well. We all knew that. The fact that he had avoided my glare annoyed me. I hated it when he kept things from me. We were best friends, best of the best, yet he wanted to keep something important from me. Jake was not like most guys who tried to keep the silliest of things from a girl - like looking at porn on the internet, or how often they really shower. The only things Jake tried to keep from me were the important "big deal" things.

There was one time when we were about nine years old and were fishing with Dad and Billy at some lake a few hours from here. Jake and I had spent the entire day fishing on the docks while our dads fished from the shore. Neither of us had caught much of anything - except for maybe a cold. I think, mostly, it had to do with the Looney Toons fishing poles we were using and less to do with our fishing skills. But, it was getting close to lunch time, and I was getting hungry - really hungry. So, I hurried off to Dad for my cheese sandwich. Halfway back, I heard Jake's reel squeaking under the strain of a fish. I ran as fast as I could so I could watch him pull in the first fish of our day, but wasn't nearly fast enough. By the time I got to the edge of the water, Jake already had the fish on the dock pulling the hook from its mouth. I wanted to see the fish before he threw it back in the water. Dad and Billy always made us throw the fish we caught back in the water, since they were really only "bird food" compared to their fish.

"Don't throw it back till I get there! I wanna see it!" I yelled, running faster and not watching the ground below me. Just like always, my feet got caught up in themselves, or the air, or some other invisible force field, and I barreled to the ground. My cheese sandwich flew out of my hand and, with a loud splash, landed in the lake.

"Bells!" Jake yelled. He ran the few feet to me, and helped sit me up. "Are you okay?" He looked over my dirt-covered clothes, knees, and face. His face scrunched up when he noticed the scrape on my forehead. "Your head..."

I did not feel much of anything. Even though I was only nine, I was pretty much used to tripping over my own two feet and hurting myself. So, the only time I felt any real pain was when a trip to the hospital was needed. I reached up and touched my forehead. A wincing sting caused me to yank my hand back down.

"Yeah. I'm okay." I sighed. Realizing my sandwich was now waterlogged and inedible, I moaned. "Man! My sandwich! It's in the water."

Jake bent over to the edge of the dock and watched my floating cheese sandwich drift under us. "S'okay. You can eat mine. Dad brought me two."

As he leaned back and began to stand up, my eyes caught a glimpse of his fishing pole, with his fish barely flopping on the dock. "Jake! The fish! It's gonna die!"

If there was one thing I hated more than my clumsiness it was when animals, even fish, died with no real purpose. I felt the tears springing into my eyes. My lips started to twitch with sadness when Jake turned to run after the almost-dead fish. He stopped in mid-stride and turned back toward me just as I heard the thumping of Dad's boots on the dock.

"Go get the fish, Jake! I'm okay," I assured him, knowing that he would never purposely let the fish die. Jake wasn't like that. The only thing that would stop him from saving anything that breathed was if there was something more important hurt - which was usually me.

"Bella, are you alright? What's wrong? Are you crying?" Dad bombarded me with questions while Jake made a mad dash for the gasping fish.

"No, Dad. I'm okay. Jake..."

The tears stung in my eyes as I realized the only reason the fish was dying was because of me.

"Oh, Daddy! The fish is gonna die..."

That was when the tears started to fall, and the croak in the back of my throat escaped. Embarrassed that I was crying over a fish and that the day was turning out to be a God-awful day, I covered my face with my hands and buried my face in my legs.

"What?" an exasperated Charlie asked. "The fish... it's..."

"It's alive. I threw it back," Jake interrupted whatever Dad had to say and sat down next to me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and squeezed. "I made it back just in time."

"Really?"

Pulling my hands from my eyes, I wiped the backs of them across my cheeks and looked at Jake, who was studying the grain of the wood on the dock. He did not answer and pulled his lips into a tight, straight line. He just nodded his head and squeezed my shoulders again.

"Really," he mumbled.

My dad's hand came into blurry view as he gripped Jake's shoulder and squeezed it. I glanced to my dad, to Jake, and then to the end of the dock where our fishing poles lay.

"Alright, then," Dad huffed and scuffed the hair on top of Jake's head and then patted mine. "You okay?"

"I'm fine now." I smiled up at Dad and then back to Jake, who was staring at the lake now.

It was not until years later that I found out the fish had actually died while Jacob was taking care of me. When Charlie came to my rescue, Jake had put the fish in the pocket of his jacket. Finding that out about our fishing trip was what led me to understand him as well as I did.

I felt like an idiot. Jacob had just commented on my tanning abilities, yet there I stood wrapped up in his arms thinking about being lied to. I should have been happy to be home and to be able to hang out whenever we wanted to. That thought drowned out the lies and nagging feelings. Although, if I stopped to breathe, those nagging thoughts still roamed around my brain faintly.

Another thing about being so close with Jacob was that he understood my thought process. He knew that I could get lost within myself at the most inappropriate times. He never made a fuss about it. Instead, he gave me the time to get my thoughts processed. I loved that about him.

Coming back out of my mindless wanderings, I felt Jake's arms release me as he turned toward the trunk. He grabbed a few bags and handed them to Dad. As he was about to close the trunk lid, he bumped my shoulder.

"You back?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah." I let the word escape me in a breath.

"Well, I have some news to tell you." Jake's voice was a myriad of tones. He sounded like he wanted to be excited, but couldn't be.

And I had news for him. "Yeah! Me too!"

Why was the trunk still open? My bags were gone. Was he trying to hide the conversation we were having behind the open trunk?

"You first." Jake shoved his oversized hands in his pockets and shrugged toward me.

It was then that I really looked at Jacob Black for the umpteenth time in our lives. This time was different. Growth spurts and the Quileute boys were one and the same. Those boys must have been on some secret government growth-hormone experiment because they all bulked up so quickly.

Just last year, Jake was thirty pounds smaller. His hair barely hit his shoulders. But now, oh my now, Jacob was much more lean and muscular, with hair well past his shoulders. He must have grown two inches while I was visiting Renee.

He was sort of beautiful.

Those suppressed nagging feelings in the bottom of my stomach were taken over by a flurry of butterflies flapping their wings. Never had I seen him in this light before. Never had I known him to be so beautiful. He was always just Jacob to me, but - here and now - there was something more to him. There was something about him that made my insides tingle and my body react.

What was so different about him now that made me want him closer than close?

"Uh...well, I don't think I should tell you here," I whispered, a little embarrassed about the secret I had.

"Oh." The look that appeared on his face was one I had never noticed before and did not quite know how to describe.

"It's good news," I replied, trying to make that look on his face disappear. I was sure, if it didn't, that I would crumble to the ground. He looked so hurt. "But, it's private."

"Right." his voice was a soft echo of itself. He cleared his throat quickly and in the blink of an eye, his expression changed. "I have a girlfriend."

My world - the one that had been peaceful and comforting - was picked up and turned upside down. Who knew that four words could bring to the surface so many feelings that I wasn't sure if I was here or there?

"Yeah?" I tried to sound thrilled, but I was not. There was something about this girlfriend that resurfaced those nagging feelings. Jake had girlfriends before, but the look on his face when he talked about how cool she was made me think this was a different type of girlfriend.

"Yeah. She's here. Over there, actually." Jake's face was lit up like a Christmas tree on Christmas morning.

I felt nauseated. My stomach was churning with so many thoughts and feelings. I was not sure what was happening or why he was pulling me by my arm to the side of my house. The only thing I noticed was the silence coming from the porch where most of Jake's friends had been standing. I glanced quickly to see if they were still there, because the Quileute boys were never quiet – not even during a funeral. And I knew that from experience.

When Harry Clearwater passed away two years ago, it took everything Billy and Dad had to not duct tape Quil, Embry, Paul, Jared, and Sam's mouths closed. It was not that they were being disrespectful to Harry or his widow, Sue, but they were being more of a nuisance with their incessant talking about the upcoming football game against our state rivals. Jake was the only quiet one, and quiet he was. The days after Harry's passing and a few days after the funeral, Jake did not say anything to anyone. He stuck to himself as much as possible.

I suspected that Harry's death had brought up memories of his Mom. Jake, well, he did not speak of Sarah much at all. Her passing was hard for him. It was hard on all of us, as it was so unexpected and so quick. It took months after Sarah's funeral for Jacob to even come out of his room, so I was not as worried or surprised when he secluded himself from everyone when Harry died.

Jacob could not handle death. We both knew that – without ever having to speak of it.

But still, on my front porch stood five oversized teenage boys, staring at me as if I was about to get the surprise of a lifetime - like I was about to watch Jacob beat a dog to death with his bare hands. That feeling, that reaction, didn't sit well with me.

"Bells." Jake was standing next to a smiling brunette. His arm was wrapped snugly around her shoulder. I almost gagged. "This is Jessica. Jessica, this is my best friend, Bella."

"Hi Bella! It's nice to meet you. Jacob talks about you all the time," she said snidely in her high-pitched voice. She addressed me like I was some kind of competition. I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah. Nice to meet you too. Wish I could say the same." I smirked at the bitchiness I held inside of me. Why was I getting a kick out of telling this girl that Jacob not so much as spoke one word about her to me?

"Bella." Jacob sighed and stared me down.

"Jacob." I glared back at him.

"We just started datin a week or so ago, so...I haven't had a chance to tell you anything." His voice was apologetic, but his eyes stared fiercely at the grass below my feet.

"A week or so ago? Jacob, we've been dating for almost a month. In fact, our anniversary is next Saturday." Jessica's white teeth sparkled in the non-existing sunlight and I seriously felt like knocking them down the back of her throat. But, I didn't.

"Really." I smiled. "Well, you guys should throw a party to celebrate. Jake here is all about parties and, apparently, telling everyone besides me about his life." The venom in my voice made me even flinch, but I was hurt, angry, sickened. Mostly, though, I felt like Jake was leaving me out of his life. I felt unimportant to him. I felt like he intentionally did not tell me about Jessica. I felt like I was being pushed aside, and this girl was taking my place.

That ball of nagging feelings in the pit of my stomach was exploding like a million tiny grenades. I could feel the sadness and the jealousy boiling in my skin, but I wasn't so sure why I was sad and jealous instead of being angry.

I looked over the silently beautiful brunette who was occupying my best friend's arms. She was beautiful. Her hair fell in chocolate brown cascading curls down her back. Her skin was a shade darker than mine with a slightly olive tint. Her smile was elegant and classy. And the way Jake looked at her. The way his eyes reflected all of the goodness that seemed to glow around Jessica made the way he looked at me seem dull and dreary.

Somewhere deep inside the burning jealousy and the soft sadness, I wanted to be Jessica for just a few minutes. I wanted Jacob to look at me that way. I wanted him to hug me. I wanted to be his entire world. I wanted Jacob to be mine.

God, how selfish could I really be?

Quietly, Jake leaned into Jessica's ear and whispered something that made her cheeks blush a soft pink. As his lips spoke the secret only she could hear, Jacob lifted his palm and delicately traced his thumb across her jaw line. Leaning into his touch, Jessica kissed the tip of his thumb.

Watching them left me with an emptiness inside – like I had lost a part of myself in the three weeks I had been visiting my mother. I closed my eyes and buried the feeling way beyond the walls of my heart. I turned to walk away when I heard a sigh from my best friend and the shuffling of feet behind me.

"Jake." Her sweet as honey voice made my ears bleed. "It's eight o'clock and I have to be home by nine." Her voice was suggestive, but I didn't really know what she was suggesting.

"Right. Well, hey, do you mind if the guys run you home, so I can talk with Bella?" Jacob asked. In his voice, I thought I heard a bit of hope, but I did not know what to believe.

"I guess, but I was really hoping that _you_ would take me home."

There was that suggestive tone again – the one that suggested she wanted more than just a ride home. It ate away at the armor that was holding my flesh to my bones. I turned to go – to find my way inside of the place I had called home since birth – so I could hide away all of my sadness behind locked doors.

I had only made it a few feet when I felt a warm, soft hand on my shoulder. I could not turn around. I couldn't look at him because I knew that I would fall apart. He would see the sadness in my eyes and think more of it than what it really was, as if I knew what these feelings really were.

With my refusal to turn around, Jake reluctantly stepped in front of me and smiled a bleak smile. He looked like he wanted to apologize for shoving me to the side, but he did not. Instead of saying "I'm sorry", he stared at the ground.

"Hey. I'm gonna take Jess home. Sorry I couldn't stay any longer, but at least I was here when you got back, right?"

I wanted to feel like that was enough for me, but something deep inside of me would not let it. So, I lied.

"Sure, sure."

"Look, Bells..." He was about to say something important – something resembling the apology I deserved – when the wickedly beautiful girl who stole my best friend from me interrupted him.

"Jake." Jessica's sauntering voice called for him from the red rusted truck.

My best friend was shutting me out for a girl... _a girl_.

He turned to her and gave her one of those apologetic smiles. He gave her the smile that he have been giving me. That churned those nagging feelings in the pit of my stomach. They were coming to their own conclusions, and I did not like the thoughts that were bubbling up from my gut. I sighed. This was only the beginning of Jacob and Jessica.

"You better go. Wouldn't want to keep her waiting." I nodded toward the truck where the girl who would cause more heartache than joy sat.

"Bells." Jake nervously chuckled. "Stop being so jealous. I'll still have time to hang out with you." He spoke almost as if he were afraid to say what he was saying.

"Jealous?" I snorted back the truth.

"Hey, guys," Sam interrupted the almost argument. "Save it for later. Okay?"

Jacob nodded as if he had to follow whatever Sam said. It disgusted me. Not that I didn't like Sam, I did, but he was wise beyond his years, and I was so not good with the jealousy issue. So, I took his advice and walked away without saying goodbye, without apologizing. I just walked away because I could not stand another minute in front of someone who was supposed to be my best friend and care for me so much and was ditching me for his new girlfriend.

"Bells," Jake called after me, but I just kept moving.

"Let it go, Jacob. You can talk about it later." I heard Sam speak, but the rest of what he was saying faded into the background as I was engulfed by hugs from my best friend's friends. Who knew their welcome would have been warmer than the person who was supposed to care the most about me?


	3. Embarrassed

_**Disclaimer:**_ _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

_**Soundtrack: **_http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening: **Boys Like Girls – Chemicals Collide; Miranda Cosgrove – Kissin U; Colbie Caillat – I Never Told You.

Jake's friends took the responsibility of welcoming me home properly. From the moment Jake had left with Jessica, they had been tossing my bags through the front door, distracting Charlie with questions about his job, and helping me decide what to cook for dinner. The pizza boxes scattered around the kitchen had verified my assumptions of Charlie's diet while I had been gone.

Charlie was definitely a bachelor. Anytime I was out of the house for more than a day, he managed to trash it with beer cans, pizza boxes, and take-out containers. His dirty socks were spread out around the couch, and there was always something spilled somewhere that hadn't been cleaned up in what looked like years.

As much as I didn't like the amount of time it took me to clean up, I liked the feeling it left me. Charlie couldn't survive a minute without me. Well, he could, but the house would be condemned and he'd probably gain thirty pounds in a week. That left me feeling needed. It warmed me.

I laughed as I stood in the doorway to the kitchen watching the Quileute boys ravage my refrigerator and cabinets. No doubtthey were looking for some type of food to fill their ever-growing appetites.

"Man, Bells, there's nothing to eat," Quil chirped, pulling out a box of oats and looking it over like it was an alien life form. "Where's the cheeseburgers, meatloaf, and lasagna Jake always talks about?"

I laughed at his culinary naivety.

"What?" He mumbled over the giant piece of cheese in his mouth.

"You have to make stuff like that."

"Well, yeah. I know that, but Jake says you always have leftovers. Where are they?" His puffy eyebrows rose at me in a look of sheer and utter ignorance.

"Quil, you idiot. She hasn't been home for three weeks. Do you really think Charlie would leave any food lying around that long?" The once lanky, long-haired Embry pounded into the room with heavy feet and a smirk on his sculpted face.

"Embry?" I asked in shock as I register that it was actually him.

"Yeah." He grinned and looked at the floor. His dark eyes looked back up at me with a sweetness I'd only ever seen in Jake's. "Hey, Bella."

"You look," I fumbled for the correct word, "different."

His hair was a shaggy short mess, but it suited him well. Embry smiled sweetly from the corner of his mouth and glanced at the overflowing trash coming from the can in the corner of the room. Without hesitation, he packed away the garbage lying on the floor into a bag, tossed it into a new trash bag, and headed out the door. That was something Jacob would do. In an odd way, Embry reminded me of Jake. They were both silent when need be, but strong and wise when the time was right.

The rest of the evening flew by rather quickly as the boys helped keep Charlie occupied while I cooked dinner. Embry was always within a wandering eye's range, and I had to admit I felt comfortable with his willingness to become Jacob's replacement as he was not here like he usually was. It made the whole the whole situation from earlier a little less painful.

"So, boys, how's football practice going?" Dad sipped on his beer and smirked.

The Quileute boys were the stars of our high school football team, which was lead by none other than the state's star quarterback, Jacob Black. Sam was Jacob's center, while Quil and Embry were the first-string running backs. Paul and Jared shared similar positions as offensive guard and offensive tackle, which left only a few positions open for the rest of the offensive line.

Being a girl surrounded by football players, you would think I would have ended up involved in something like a cheerleader or the color guard, but I was not. I was just your normal high school girl who just so happened to grow up with most of the Forks High School State Champion football team's offensive line. In fact, these guys were so good at their game that they were all being scouted by colleges. In my opinion, the only ones that had the slightest chance of making it in college were Jake and Embry. They were by far the most talented and were the most tactically prepared.

Watching those boys play football was like watching your grandma knit; it was interesting and boring at the same time. Jake usually complained about me not "appreciating the game", but I always showed my support. I was always there from kickoff to the last snap.

The guys were still talking about football practice and who they were most anxious to play during the play-offs, assuming they would make it to the play-offs. They would. They knew it. That was why it did not bother them to talk about it now.

I glanced up from my plate of spaghetti, embarrassed that I had lost myself in thought, _again_, only to catch the soft gaze of Embry's dark charcoal eyes staring at me. He smirked a genuinely happy smirk and slurped a giant string of spaghetti into his mouth.

"You back?" He mouthed after swallowing his food.

The feeling that little question left me with was indescribable. Jake usually noticed when I drifted off into my own world. He was usually the one sitting across from me at dinner but not tonight. No, tonight, he was with his girlfriend, Jessica, a girl with whom I could not compete.

My secret revelation that I felt more for Jacob than what a best friend should slowly spread as an embarrassed blush crossed my face. I missed him too much for this just to be a friendship. But, who was I kidding? I was awkward Bella. I had no fighting chance.

I nodded my head with a smile and let the warmth of Embry's concern spread through me.

"So, Bella, when are you and Jake gonna stop playing this lame friendship game and just hook up already?" Paul's mouth was the most noteworthy in town. He'd always been known for saying exactly what he thought when he thought it. The boy had no filter between his brain and his mouth.

"Uh," I mumbled, dropping my fork to my plate. "What?"

"Paul." Embry glared, lowering his eyes in an evil stare. "Shut up."

"What? You're all thinking it." Paul shoveled a meatball into his mouth and grinned wickedly. "Even Charlie here; he's wondering it himself."

My stomach was knotted up into a ball of nervous tension. The nagging aching feelings I'd felt earlier this evening rolled into themselves and multiplied. I could feel my body start to shake. The simple mention of Jacob and me being something more than friends made me tingle with new, unknown, sensations I had yet to figure out.

My body flushed with a heat that spread from my cheeks to my abdomen to my thighs and then to my feet. Every single inch of me was burning in utter embarrassment. All eyes were on me, waiting patiently for an answer to the million dollar question. I did not have an answer. I didn't understand the feelings I had. But, what I did immediately understand were the feelings caused warm arm brushing against my own and a set of dark fingers grabbing the empty plate in front of me. I watched the large, thick, russet fingers hold onto the plate as it left my view.

"C'mon, Paul, man. Let it go." Embry spoke softly as he bent slightly at the waist and whispered into my ear. "Ignore him. He's an ass. Help me clean up. It'll give you an excuse to get out of the spotlight."

Embry became my savior. He was the man in the shadows. My heart thudded in my chest as a quick breath left my lips.

I stood up with a snide smirk and an embarrassed blush on my face and grabbed the dishware as fast as I could, not caring who was done eating and who still had a plate full of meatballs. All I needed was to be next to someone who could understand me. Since Jacob was MIA, that left Embry – his confidante and best guy friend. So, I rushed into the kitchen with an armful of plates, forks, spoons, and serving dishes. Just as I was about five feet from the sink, I stumbled over my own two feet. My eyes shut automatically to save me from the sight of my next dismay. The clanking of the dishes in my arms caused my face to scowl when the image of them all falling to the floor in a mess of broken glass sprang into my mind.

I shuffled my feet. I tried to balance myself. I tried to lean against something with some substantial balance, but to no avail. I was left with nothing but air until I felt the strong hands and heard a warm voice trickle into my ears.

"Careful. Can't have you falling all over the place and getting hurt. Jake would have my ass for that, Bells."

The sound of the nickname my best friend had given me, spoken from the lips of someone whom I had never seen with anything but foggy eyes, lured the butterflies to flap their wings and caused my world to tilt on its axis.

Before I knew it, I was standing on my own two feet with empty arms. Sudsy water filled the sink as Embry pushed the sleeves of his sweatshirt up his forearms.

"I'll wash. You rinse."

"We'll both dry," I smiled, remembering this same scene happening with Jake all too often. Yet I quickly realized it wouldn't be happening nearly as much anymore.

Jacob used to be the leading man in my life, but now he was being replaced with his understudy, who he had unknowingly trained. I wondered how Jacob would feel about Embry and I becoming close - as close as he and Jessica were right at this moment, and I was sure I knew just exactly how close they were. My insides crawled as visions of them humping each other in Jake's truck burned into my mind.

I shook my head quickly from side to side to try to rid myself of the image. No matter if I wanted to see him that way or not, I just could not stand seeing him next to Jessica, let alone be completely unclothed and panting above her. It made me want to gag.

"Don't let it get to you," Embry said as he handed a dish to me.

I began rinsing the soap from the plate. "It's not. It doesn't…" I sat the dish in the drainer and waited for the next. "Bother me."

"Right." His lips turned into a tight line as he finished rubbing the left over spaghetti sauce off of the plate. His hands were large and thick just like Jacob's, but he had a grace to him - a softness - that sent chills down my spine. I could watch him wash dishes for days and be completely and utterly satisfied.

I was so lost in awe at the star running back of Forks High School washing dishes so elegantly that I hadn't noticed the pile of soapy silverware piled in the bottom of my side of the sink. But, there they sat, waiting on me to finish rinsing them so we both could dry the rest of the dishes. Embry left me to my own mind and bent around me – his chin brushing against my shoulder – as he grabbed a dish towel ooooout of the cabinet above my head. He heard my breath hitch. He saw the blush on my face. He realized that he was making me a ball of nerves, and all he did was stand closer.

Embry placed the towel on the counter next to me. The next few moments slowed down as his arm slid around my stomach and pulled my back against his hard abdomen. The weight of his head rested on my shoulder, and his warm breath blew softly against the hair tucked behind my ear. I could feel the wetness of his lips close to my skin.

His breathing was loud and labored against my ear as he started to speak. "You know, I'm not as dumb as Jake. I can see that I make you nervous."

My body froze as it molded itself to the outline of his body. A smirk worked its way onto my lips, and I turned my head slightly. Glancing at him out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the determination in his charcoal eyes.

Usually in this position, I would be scared, and would back away from a guy's advances. I would be afraid that I was going to upset Jacob, but Jake had Jessica. So, I breathed out and smiled cheekily at the almost artistically drawn face next to me.

"Good." My eyebrow rose, challenging him to prove to me that he wasn't like Jacob; although, I desperately needed him to be.

"Are you," he began, snaking his other arm around my waist, "flirting with me?" He squeezed me further into him.

"Maybe." I turned back to the dishes in front of me as if they held a substantially greater part of my attention.

A soft laugh escaped Embry, and for a moment, I was afraid he was only toying with me. But the gears in my brain quickly changed into overdrive as Embry tenderly kissed my neck just below my ear lobe, sending quaking tendrils of sheer ecstasy over my skin. Before the moment could go any further and before I could respond to his straightforward actions, the sound of heavy footsteps pulled my attention away from Embry's lingering lips.

"Bells." Dad pushed through the swinging door of the kitchen. "It's getting late. Time for the boys to head home and get some rest before practice in the morning."

His socked feet came to a skidding halt when I assumed he saw Embry and I as close as we were. Dad cleared his throat nervously. "I'll just… leave you two… Embry, the guys are heading out. I'll tell them you'll be a minute."

"Thanks, Chief." Embry pulled his arms from around my waist as he answered.

A cool breeze separated my body from Embry. With a shuffle of his feet, he backed away quietly as I would have expected. Embry was sweet, quiet, and soulful. He held within him strength, resilience, and loyalty. That last adjective stilled my beating heart. He was loyal – loyal to his family, his culture, and most of all to his best friend. Any chance I felt inside of me was slowly burning down. I should have been ashamed of my actions and maybe even his, but I wasn't. Shame didn't fit into the maze I'd suddenly found myself in. Hating myself, being ashamed of what happened, would get me nowhere, and I wanted to go somewhere.

I was tired of being stagnant. My life had always been the same: Jake and Bells, best friends, soul mates, but never lovers. We'd agreed on that many years ago when he was the only boy who didn't have cooties, and I was the only girl who was cool enough to hang out with the reservation boys.

"Don't over think it."

Shocked by his knowledge of my thought process, I turned with a raised eyebrow.

"Jake isn't the only one who knows you like the back of his hand." Embry's cheeks looked slightly flushed. Was he embarrassed?

"Yeah?" It was all I could think to say.

Silently, he nodded his head.

"Embry, c'mon man," Jared's shrieking voice called through the house. "My mom's gonna jerk a knot in my ass, if I'm past curfew again."

Embry turned his attention toward Jared's screaming voice. He looked lost in thought for a moment as if he were debating on staying or going. Reluctantly, his gaze dropped to me. It was time for him to go, because he had to – not because he wanted to and not because some girl was about to give him his first piece of ass in the front seat of his car.

"Listen, Bells…" He took two steps forward. His hands rested on my hips.

"Yeah?" Again, I answered with the most intelligent answer.

"We should hang out sometime – just you and me." Across his lips formed a sexy smile.

"That'd be nice." I smiled, lifting my arms to rest on his chest.

"Really?" He surprised me with his over animated expression. His eyebrows lifted, his eyes widened, and his smile tripled in size.

"Yeah. I think it'd be a good idea." My heart was doing all the talking, or maybe it was my overactive hormones. Either way, I couldn't say no to Embry. Not because I felt badly for saying no, but because I honestly wanted to hang out with him. I wanted to know what it would feel like to have my feelings reciprocated. Not that I truly knew what my real feelings were at the moment.

"Awesome." He laughed and pulled me against him, causing my hands to slide up his chest and wrap around his thick shoulders.

His charcoal eyes stared down at me almost as if he were sizing me up, making sure I was deciding for myself and not letting what happened earlier today interfere. But, I had made my decision. Maybe, it wasn't out of pure and honest likeability for Embry, but it was becoming that.

I could feel myself slowly drifting into a new exotic chapter of my life. The pull was strong, and I couldn't resist. So, I let go.

I stood on my tiptoes and pressed my lips against his. Embry quickly moved his dry, chapped lips across mine softly, leaving a cool brisk kiss on my awaiting mouth. It was sweet the way he kissed me, as if I were some gentle being that he wasn't sure he wouldn't break, but I didn't need to feel that. I needed to feel exotic and lost. I needed to answer the questions in the back of my head and the beating of my heart.

Before I could register his reluctance to kiss me the way I wanted, he pulled away, leaving me with an unanswered need. His hands left my hips and I settled back on my feet while he dug in his pocket.

"Here. Put your number in here. and I'll give you a call after practice. We'll figure out what we wanna do and when." He handed me his cell phone and waited patiently as I programmed my number. With a sweet, innocent and excited smile, I handed the phone back to him. "Alright. Great. Well, I better go."

"No." I shook my head with a sly grin.

"No?"

I grabbed my phone from my back pocket and handed it to him. "Not until I get your number too."

His long strong fingers worked expertly against the small keys of my phone. Once he was done, he flipped my phone around to hand it back to me, but as I was about to grab it, he yanked it back and slid his hand down to the front pocket of my jeans. Embry slipped the phone slowly into my jeans with a mischievous smirk. Every inch the phone was placed into my jeans, the closer Embry's lips came to mine, until we were locked in a softer, more elegant kiss than the first.

The chemicals in my body collided. My brain clouded with stars. My chest exploded with the butterflies that previously resided in my stomach. And just as quickly, our kiss started, it stopped, leaving me in an Embry induced haze.

When I came to, Embry was walking toward the door. My lips burned with passion and my cheeks with embarrassment. _God, what had happened tonight?_

"I'll text you later," he spoke over his shoulder with a sexy but cocky grin spread eagerly across his face, like he'd just won the Heisman trophy.

I expertly nodded my head not able to form words to speak. I couldn't even think. All I could do was reach my fingertips to my lips. I could still taste him there. He was sweet like fresh sugar cane.

With that smile still spread across his face, he left me to my thoughts, which was usually a bad idea. I'd probably over think everything that happened, and end up not allowing myself to experience the feeling of true happiness.

Could Embry offer me that? True happiness is all I really wanted out of life, and I thought I had found that with Jacob. I thought I had figured it all out while I was visiting Renee. I thought I knew my heart well, and I thought I knew Jacob's too. Distance was supposed to make the heart grow fonder, but obviously, it hadn't worked exactly the same for Jacob as it had worked for me.

I knew what I wanted from Jacob and I was going to tell him. I was going to explain to him every last drop of feeling I had, and in my mind, in my dreams, he always gave me that smirk – the one where his eyes tell of the many secrets he has but his lips tell you that it's exactly what you're thinking; that he does feel the same, that all those promises and denials when we were children were just child's play.

I never got my chance to tell him my embarrassing secret. I suppose it was a blessing in disguise. If I had told him, then what just happened would have never happened. I wouldn't be standing in my kitchen with the sweetness of Embry's kiss still ghosting on my lips. And I wouldn't be thinking I had missed out all along – that maybe the Jacob fog I'd spent the past few years in was hiding the only clearing from me.

The fog had cleared with the three week visit to Renee's and in the clearing stood Embry, who seemed to have been patiently waiting for a while now. His charcoal grey eyes stared at me with a sparkle in them that made me feel something for someone besides Jacob Black.

Maybe this was good. Maybe the whole scenario was preparing me for something bigger than myself.

"Alright, Bells." My blurry eyes focused on a half-drunk Charlie hiking his jeans up by the waist. "What do you need help with?"

Slowly, I came down from my sugar high finding that my fingers still rested on my lip. For a moment, I wanted to be embarrassed. I wanted to run out of the room and throw a temper tantrum for all that had actually happened this evening. But, I did not. Instead, I smiled softly at my wobbling father and shook my head.

"Nothing, Dad. Embry and I took care of everything."

"Embry, huh?" Dad blew a puff of air out of his lips, causing them to vibrate against themselves. A loud motorboat sound echoed through the stark white kitchen.

"Embry." I shook my head up and down, hid the slick grin wanting to spread across my cheeks.

"Well, he's a good boy, I guess. I just always thought that you and…" He stopped as if he remembered the moments following my arrival. His eyes stared intently at the cabinet behind my head. "Jacob…" Dad motioned his hand in a rolling circle so he didn't actually have to say it and bring up the unnecessary memories.

"Yeah," I breathed, realizing that I was finally going to admit to someone my honest feelings, "me too."

A soft silence fell between my father and me. He realized what I was acknowledging. He understood that for the first time in my seventeen years, I had admitted to myself what everyone else already knew. Jacob and I were made for each other. We were two matching pieces in the world's puzzle.

Dad held a somber expression. His eyes raised in concern, but fell back down as if he realized this would be the first of many let downs when it came to Jacob and me. We would forever run in this never-ending circle of chasing each other. With an understanding voice, he broke the silence.

"Embry's a good kid. Maybe hanging out with him wouldn't be a bad idea."

That was all the encouragement I needed. All I needed was someone else to sssee the fog I'd been hiding in all these years.

"Thanks, Dad." I thanked him for more than his approval of Embry. Silently, I thanked him for understanding, for seeing everything I needed him to see. "I think he'll be hanging around more often."

With an exhale, he smiled and reached his arms out to me. Hugging my father was always comforting, because I knew he'd always be there for me no matter what or who I chose. The hug was quick and tight – just as always when it came to Dad.

"You should call Marybelle." I smiled into his shoulder.

"You know, I think I will," I heard the smile in his voice and found that to be my cue to release the hug and head up to my room, leaving him to ponder over calling Marybelle and just what that call would entail.

Dad needed to get out more often. He spent way too much time alone or swamped with teenagers. I felt badly that he didn't have a chance to meet anyone new, and he never really had the chance to have an adult conversation without someone throwing in a "that's what she said" joke – which was usually pretty hilarious. Either way, Dad needed to mingle with people his own age.

As I reached the door to my bedroom, my pocket beeped and vibrated. A casual excitement seeped from the cell phone buzzing in my pocket into my skin and traveled through my veins until it reached the ever quickening beat of my heart. Quickly, I pulled the phone from my pocket and checked the message blinking on my screen.

'**Thought Id say gnite. E.C. #22'**

I laughed at the football number following his initials but thought it to be only fitting. Football was the only fast-paced career the Quileute boys would ever experience. Not because they weren't intelligent, but for the simple fact that not many people left this small incandescent town.

'**Night. Tlk 2 u tmrrw?' **

Almost as soon as I pressed send, I received his reply.

'**Yea. 2mrrw. Wht time? E.C. #22'**

Beep. Beep.

'**Whenever is fine.'**

Just as quickly as before, his reply arrived. I imagined him lying in bed with his arm resting behind his head, reading my texts and smiling just as much as I was. The image of his smile spread warmth through my skin.

'**Alrght. Gnite Bells. E.C. #22'**

When he said - or typed – that name it made me feel like... well, I do not know how it made me feel. It just made me _feel_ and that excited me.

'**I like it when u cll me bells. Night Em.'**

An unexpected beep and vibration buzzed in my hand as I was about to open my door.

'**:) E.C. #22'**

The only thing I could do in response was smile like a little girl who'd just got a new bike for her birthday.

'**;) Bells'**

While shoving my phone back in my pocket, I turned the doorknob to my door, only to feel it jerk open and my arm being yanked into the room. I squealed at the forceful pull and the kind release of my arm.

"Shh. Bells. It's just me."

"Jacob." I fumed with left over anger. "Why are you here?" I angrily stared at his sweet face.

Being mad at Jacob was like trying to look at a kitten and not say "awww" Rolling my eyes was the only response I had when he gave me those sad puppy dog eyes.

"You know why I'm here." His voice was rough. His hair was a mess with leaves and twigs sparsely sticking out. His eyes were full of guilt and displeasure in himself. Knowing that Jacob would evenutally regret acting the way he did wasn't anything new to our relationship. This was how he was. He usually did what he wanted, and I felt the repercussions. Then he would say he was sorry with those dark brown puppy dog eyes, and I would forgive him.

It always worked. It was working now. I could feel the anger sliding from between my fingers. This time was different. I wanted to hold on to it. I had something else - someone else. My world was no longer revolving around the one and only, Jacob Black.

"You're right. I do." Resentment flowed thickly in my voice. "Apology not accepted."

If only that were true.

"Bells." He breathed deeply with a forsaken roll of his eyes. "What do you want me to say?"

I wanted him to say all of the things I felt. I wanted Jacob to pick me up and run away with me. We could live in the forest. I didn't care what happened or where we went. I just wanted it to be…

My phone beeped in my hand.

Before I could get too far into my own brain – before I could lose myself in the black hole that was Jacob and me – Embry cleared the way for my heart to beat erratically like the teenage girl I was. I felt giggly. I felt something besides hurt, discomfort, and insecurity. Flopping on my bed, I smiled the biggest smile I'd smiled in years.

"Who's that?" Jake sat next to me.

I had hot had a chance to check the message. I wasn't even a hundred percent sure it was Embry, when Jacob pulled the phone from my hand. "Who has you smiling like an idiot?"

And then the room fell silent as did my smile. His reaction would gauge how I would react. Jacob's onyx eyes stared at the name registering on my phone as the sender of the message. His jaw was clenched and his teeth ground together.

"Embry?" His voice rose to a questionable tone.

"Embry." I stated matter of factly.

I wanted to see Jake react. I needed to see him react, but it wasn't as rewarding as I thought it would have been. Reaching across his chest he handed my phone back to me and stared at the open window that had been his entry.

The air was thick with tension. It was so thick it became hard to breathe. Watching him in silence was the eighth wonder of the world. Even when I was angry with him, he was still the most beautiful being I'd ever encountered. Jacob would always amaze me – no matter how I felt about him.

I wanted to tell him my secret. I wanted to share with him all of the feelings I'd just discovered, but they were being overshadowed by the even newer feelings Embry had brought to the surface. I needed Jacob to know that it couldn't be just Jake and Bells anymore.

"Jake." I sighed.

"Look, Bells," he interrupted, standing to attention quickly and fiercely. "If you're doing this Embry thing to piss me off, then just stop alright?"

It was then that I noticed his attire. He was wearing a pair of basketball shorts and a pair of tennis shoes. His chest was bare and slick with sweat from the end of summer rains.

"Forget your shirt somewhere?" I choked out the sentence as it bled with resentment.

Jacob looked different. He carried himself differently.

"No. I didn't put one back on," he mumbled, stalking to my window – looking for the only exit from this conversation.

Even his walk was cockier. I hated everything about Jessica. Everything. I knew when he said he did not put one back on just exactly what he meant. It was his way of telling me exactly what happened without sharing too many details. A gag surfaced in the back of my throat as a slight jolt of pain echoed in my chest.

"Well, I hope she's worth more than just a piece of ass," I growled, stopping him in his tracks.

He turned swiftly with dark eyes and an evil stare. "Jealous?"

Jacob raised his eyebrow. A flicker of hope flashed in his eyes, but I ignored it. How dare he accuse me of such things? So what if it was true!

"Are you?" I bit back.

"Why would I be?" Jacob's soft somber voice resurfaced, and it was then I knew he didn't feel the same for me. All of the hope – all of the thinking I'd done at Renee's – was just a figment of my imagination.

I shrugged crossing my arms over my chest. My eyes dropped to the floor as the embarrassing blush crept up my neck and across my face.

"This isn't how I wanted to welcome you home, ya know?"

Within a few steps, Jacob was in front of me. His strong, muscular arms wrapped around me, warming me inside and out. The cold resentment I held inside slowly melted away as our embrace tightened. Jacob's breath hit the same side of my neck that Embry had kissed. Betrayal leaked from my heart to my brain, and I immediately rested my head on his other shoulder. The screaming betrayal wasn't so loud this way.

"You'll always be my girl, Bells." He spoke into my shoulder as his muscles loosened their grip.

"You'll always be my" - I swallowed - "Jake."

I fought back the urge to say what I really wanted to say.

"Don't ever forget it, okay? No matter what happens."

I cringed in return. Was he trying to warn me?


	4. Permission

_**Disclaimer:**_ _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

_**Soundtrack: **_http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening:** Skillet - Those Nights; Lykke Li - Possibility; Civil Twilight - Letters From The Sky.

Embry had invited me to practice the next day, which was the text Jake had intercepted the night before. I did not get a chance to read it until late into the night, so when I woke up, I replied back, telling him that I'd come for at least a few minutes. All the friends I did have were either on the football team or out of town on vacation, so, it was not like I had anything better to do on a Wednesday afternoon. Besides, when I thought about seeing Embry again, the butterflies returned. And this time, they were flapping their wings harder than they ever had before.

Maybe my assumptions about my feelings for Jacob had been wrong. My excitement over seeing Embry was more than I had ever felt with Jake. Maybe I missed Embry more than I had expected to, and that led to me to believe that the excitement in my stomach was more than just a friendship deal.

If that were the case, then why did my heart laugh at my brain's opinion on the whole situation? My feelings for Jacob were deeper than what would be expected for a friend.

It was late into the afternoon when I finally decided to head to the football field. As I headed down the stairs with my keys in hand, the front door opened, and Charlie bounded in with heavy feet. He always looked so handsome when he was in full uniform. There was something about him being my dad that made me incredibly happy.

"Dad." I spoke up, pulling his attention to me. He looked at the keys in my hand and my outfit. "What are you doing home?"

"Going somewhere?" he asked in a stern voice.

"Yeah, I was going to see Embry." The words almost stumbled out of my lips.

Dad was always protective of me, almost as much as Jacob was, so I knew telling him about going to see Embry would raise more questions than what was asked last night.

"You?" I asked, hoping to divert his attention from my destination.

"Forgot my phone." He picked up the phone from the small, round table by the door. With a huff, he squeezed his eyebrows together. "Isn't Embry at practice?"

Fumbling with the keys in my hand, I answered, "Yeah. He asked me to come see him."

With an exhale through his nose, he sighed. He glared at me with that "are you sure that's what you want to do" look.

"What?"

"Do you think that's really a good idea?" Dad's hands rested on his hips just above his gun belt. "I mean, shouldn't you ask Jacob if this is alright first?"

"Jacob isn't my keeper, Charlie," I responded, annoyed. "Besides, I don't even know what _'this'_ you are talking about."

My angry teenage side surfaced. Charlie was becoming annoying with all of his questions.

"I know Jacob isn't your keeper, Bells. All I'm saying is don't you think Jacob would like to know what's going on with you and Embry? Both of you are close friends of his. I don't know. He might feel left out." His wise, fatherly answer was true. I couldn't deny it.

"I don't know what's going on with Embry." I emphasized "I" so that he would understand the point I was trying to make.

"Right. Well, maybe you should talk to Jacob about it. And besides, there is something going on with you and Embry. Not that I care. He's a good kid. You wanna know how I know?" Charlie's eyebrows lifted at me, and his forehead wrinkled with worry.

I nodded.

"Out of all the years you and Jacob have been best friends, you've never gone to a single practice of his."

Charlie was staring at me when the realization that he was right hit me like a ton of bricks. As much as I wanted to deny that anything significant was going on with Embry, I could not. I never had an interest in football practice until he had invited me.

"That's what I thought. Just talk to Jacob." Charlie slid his cell phone in his pocket.

"Charlie," I groaned angrily.

"That's Dad to you, Missy." He laughed without hesitation, knowing that it would probably aggravate me more.

"Whatever." I crossed my arms over my chest and looked out the large bay window in the living room.

There was silence between Charlie and me. I aws sure he was trying to figure out what I was thinking, but for once, I was not thinking at all. The only thing I could concentrate on doing was heading out to see Embry and Jacob. It would be interesting, to say the least.

After a few long minutes of silence, Dad grabbed the doorknob and headed out. Following close behind him, I shut the door with a defiant teenage slam and stomped off to the car like the big girl that I was.

Charlie laughed at the temper tantrum I was throwing. He knew it was all starting to bother me – all of it - and that just aggravated me even more. All I really wanted to do was keep my mind off all things concerning dates, Jacob, and Jessica.

He opened the door of his police cruiser and hopped inside. "Oh, Bells." He stood back up and leaned against the door. I simply raised my eyebrow at him. It was the only nice thing I could think of to do at the moment. "This Saturday, Marybelle is coming over for dinner. Do you think you could cook those little dumpling things that your grandma used to make?"

As much as I did not want to make them, I knew I would. When it came to Dad and his love life, I was a complete softy.

"Yeah," I nearly squealed. Running over to him and locking my arms around his neck only felt like the most natural thing to do as the frustration dissolved away. "I'm glad you're going to go through with this Marybelle thing." I released his neck and stared up at him in sheer and utter elation. "Me too. Have fun at practice, Bells."

"Thanks, Dad." I smiled and jumped into the small piece of crap Volkswagen Rabbit.

"No problem. It's what I do." He shrugged off the emotional session we had.

I pulled into the parking lot next to the football field. From the car, I could pick out the overgrown Quileute boys from the rest of the football team. They were out of place on a high school football team, since all of them looked closer to twenty-five than they did their actual ages. As I made my way from the car to the bleachers, I tried to pick out Jake and Embry without looking at their jerseys and found that it was easier than I had thought it would be.

They were both standing at the fifty yard line with their helmets off. Their stocky builds made the miniature freshmen they were talking to seem even smaller.

Since this was the first time I had ventured out to a football practice, I had no idea exactly what was going on. It wasn't like the people of Forks made an effort to go watch their state champions practice the game they had somehow perfected. Well, maybe their game wasn't perfect, but it was damn near close.

Looking up to the bleachers, I noticed a few scattered dedicated parents watching their sons learn new plays or practice old ones. Coach Whitlock was known for changing his plays almost every year, which made what the Quileute boys did even that much more spectacular. The fact that they could train, learn, and perfect new plays yearly put their talent on showcase.

I glanced toward Jake and Embry again and then back to the bleachers. I did not belong there. I wasn't a parent. I was just a friend visiting her friend's practice. There was nothing outstanding about me doing that. It was a nice gesture I had made to put effort into getting to know Embry better.

Instead of heading to the bleachers, I found my way to the fence surrounding the football field and rested my arms on it. I was busy watching Coach Whitlock speak in his astounding, southern accent to the second string about some play they were working on when I felt a splash of water hit my face. It was as cold as ice and blurred my vision.

"What are you doing here?"

I wiped the back of my hand over my eyes and focused on the smiling face in front of me.

"Ugh. Jake," I whined, only to receive a devious smile and another flick of his wet fingers, which sprayed a cool mist across my cheek. "Stop!"

"Whiny ass," he laughed. The fence clanked when his foot hit the grass-covered edge. I stuck my tongue out at him in an effort to be mature and lady-like.

He choked out a laugh and rested his arms on either side of mine.

"You didn't answer me." Jacob's voice lowered, and his eyes fell to my arms. He studied them like he should have studied his history books last year.

"You splashed water in my face!" I exclaimed with a laugh, but he did not seem to be in the mood to laugh. "Am I not allowed to miss my friend?"

My answer had not exactly spilled the truth onto the floor, but I did not want to be upset with Jake any more than I wanted him to be upset with me.

"Of course you are, but that's not really why you're here, is it?" Jacob spoke with a silent sadness slicing through his voice. With a raise of his eyebrows, he looked up at me through thick eyelashes, and with the biggest, brightest set of puppy dog eyes. My heart stuttered.

I breathed in, and before I could chicken out and hold it, I spoke with an exhale. "Embry invited me."

Raising my brows at him, I silentely asked if that was acceptable - as if it weren't too late for me to reject the advances I had already welcomed from Embry.

Jacob clenched his jaw shut, and his eyes seemed to darken. "Right. Well." He cleared his voice and stood up, backing away slightly. "I'm sure he's around here somewhere."

"Jake." I sighed with aggravation in my voice. "I came to see you too."

"Look, Bells." He took a step forward and was about to take another when, reluctantly, he stepped back and gave me a weak but effortlessly beautiful smile.

"Bells!" Embry smiled. "You came!" His smile was wide with excitement.

"I told you I would." Without much thought, a smile crept onto my face. Embry sat his helmet on the ground between us, and I took the time to watch Jacob.

A mirage of thoughts was written across his overwrought face. The beautiful smile that had grown to warm me over the years had turned into a straight, tight line. His jaw muscles flexed and loosened over and over again. Jacob's dark onyx eyes were almost black and bored a hole through the back of Embry's head.

With a tilt of my head and a quirk of my eye, I shook my head and asked what was wrong. Why did he think he should object the interference Embry had caused? I supposed he felt almost like I did when I had realized Jessica was there to welcome me home on his arm. It was not welcoming at all, especially when all I wanted to do was spend time alone with my best friend.

"Jacob." Coach Whitlock broke the stare-down going on between us. His head snapped toward his coach, but his expression never faltered. "Will you show these red-shirts how to throw a damned spiral?"

With his helmet in his hand, Jacob began to back up as Embry went on speaking about doing something this weekend.

"I was thinking," he said with a soft and quiet voice. "Would you want to have dinner with me this Saturday?"

Slowly, Jake turned, and before he slid his helmet on, he watched Embry and me with more questions than answers.

"It doesn't have to be a date." He cleared the air when I didn't answer. My attention was focused solely on Jacob's reaction. The word "date" tore my attention back to the quiet man standing in front of me with his hands resting eerily close to my arms. Panic was my normal reaction when a guy asked me out on a date, but not this time. The timing of all of this simply felt right.

"No, Saturday is fine." I smiled, but tried to hide the excitement I felt bubbling inside of me. "I'd like to…"

"Alright," he interrupted me impatiently. "I'll pick you up around seven."

In return, he softly brushed his lips against my cheek, sending my nerves in a downward spiral of stimulation. As Embry was pulling away, I took the time to take a fleeting look at Jacob, who was standing close to Coach Whitlock, nodding his head along in agreement as if he were actually paying attention to what his coach was saying.

That wasn't the last time I had noticed Jacob watching Embry and me. Throughout the red-shirts' twenty-minute practice, Jacob kept an eye on the both of us. It did not take Embry long to recognize the antagonizing glances.

"So, did you say something to Jacob about last night?" His voice was soft.

"Well, not really. He was kinda in my bedroom when we were texting, and well, he just saw one of the texts," I shrugged. "Not that it should matter to him. He has Jessica."

Embry merely laughed at my observance of Jacob and Jessica. "I don't think it really has anything to do with Jessica, but is he cool with it?"

"I don't need to ask his permission, do I?" It was a sincere question that found both Embry and me in unaware of the answer. He simply twisted his hands along the top of the fence pole.

"I don't know. You never know with Jacob, but don't worry about it. I'll take care of it."

He reached his hand up and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. His long fingers trailed along my jaw until they came to rest on my chin. Embry watched my lips as if he were studying every ripple and line in them. I was lost in the embraceable gaze he held my lips in. My breath quickened as he came closer and closer to securing the kiss he was looking for.

"Embry," Coach Whitlock yelled out in an excited voice. "Come show these _inexperienced_ freshmen how to run the ball!"

Embry pulled back immediately and grabbed his helmet, leaving me with a lingering want that needed to be fulfilled. His pouty lips quirked up into a smirk as he ran his fingers through his hair and brought his helmet to his head. Before he pushed it down, he mouthed, "Later."

My mind raced ninety miles per hour, effortlessly winning the race between my head and my heart as Embry ran his way onto the field.

"Jacob, you're on tackle. Three-point stance," Coach Whitlock ordered.

Embry put his weight on his front foot and pressed his back foot into the ground. His eyes locked on the ball in Coach Whitlock's hand. Jacob ran onto the field and took his stance, but not before he glanced quickly in my direction.

"Blue on one. Blue on one. Set. Hut." Coach barked out the play, and Embry's feet moved faster than I had ever seen. He ran elegantly and swiftly, just like you would imagine a gazelle in the wild. His eyes never left the ball when Coach Whitlock sailed it through the air, heading straight for his chest. Just as the ball reached the palms of his hands in the center of his chest, Jacob's arms wrapped around his middle and pushed him to the ground in a crunching, and powerful tackle.

Standing on my tip toes, I tried to see over the helmets of the freshman players and the massive Quileutes, but was not fortunate enough to see the ramifications of the tackle. All that I really noticed were the sounds the football team made, which lead me to believe that Jacob may have hit Embry a little harder than needed.

I supposed I _should_ ask his permission.

The rest of the week seemed to mirror the first day I had visited practice. Jacob would always greet me first with a smile and some goofy expression, but then Embry would come over and Jake would split. I knew it wasn't that he did not like Embry. They were best friends. I felt more like he was upset with the situation.

It was not like I was the one who had brought her boyfriend to his "Welcome Home" party. It wasn't like I was the one who had lied to him for the past three weeks, and it wasn't like I had been the one to make sure he knew who was more important.

Embry said he would take care of whatever was going on with Jacob, but I got the feeling that he was going to back out of asking Jake anything. I was pretty sure he was worried about the next hit he might receive if he talked to Jacob about me.

Ever since the first day, when Coach Whitlock had Embry and Jake demonstrating plays to the red-shirts, Jacob had somehow found a way to work in a few extra-hard tackles. Since the coach favored him, Jacob was all but bouncing in anticipation for the hour-long demonstrations where he would get to play defense and Embry the offense. Most of the plays were simple, but there were a few times when Embry escaped with some erratic move, only to pay for it on the next tackle. Coach Whitlock even noticed the hardness of Jacob's tackles.

"Damn, son, maybe I should have put you on defense instead of making you quarterback." He laughed, patting Jake's shoulder pads and turning to the red-shirts. "Alright, give these guys a few minutes to rest up. Then we'll scrimmage. "

Jake and Embry both removed their helmets and jogged toward the table where the orange cooler full of Gatorade sat. As Embry reached the jug of Gatorade, Jacob slowed his jog to a walking pace and kept moving straight toward me. His full lips turned up into a smile that made my heart begin to rattle off my ribs.

"Hey," he said with a nod of his head.

I smiled back at him bashfully, hoping that he had put this nonsense attitude away. "Hey," I answered back.

"Enjoying practice?" Jacob rested his helmet on the fence that had become my support post.

"Yeah," I responded with a lie.

He simply quirked his eyebrow at me and laughed.

"Okay, maybe not as much as before. I just don't get it. You're doing the same thing every single day!" My lack of knowledge when it came to this game expressed itself.

With a soft chuckle, he squeezed my shoulder. "Bells, we've been running about twenty different plays every day. This is just…" He stopped and his eyes rolled up, as if he were trying to find a way to explain everything to me in a matter of seconds. "It's how we figure out what plays we're going to use this season. The freshmen are like guinea pigs."

My mouth formed an "O" expression, and then I asked the million dollar question. "Is that why you've been hitting Embry so hard?"

His face contorted in question. His eyebrows pressed together, and his eyes squinted into tiny little slits. If I did not know him as well as I did, then I would have noticed the invisible words his lips formed.

"What do you mean?" His words were pointed, and his face flushed. "I haven't been hitting Embry hard." He concentrated his gaze on the fence post.

I rolled my eyes in an effort to keep from smacking him senseless. Had he forgotten that I knew when he was lying to me? I peeked behind Jacob to notice Embry watching. I gave him a weak but bright grin and shrugged.

"You have." My defiant stare darted to him. "Stop bullshitting me." The words spilled from my mouth with anger and distaste for his actions. "If it bothers you, then you should talk to me about it. I'm your best friend, remember? Or has Jessica taken that away from me too?"

"Will you cut the shit with Jessica? She's in my life, whether you like it or not, Bells." Jacob's thick lips moved, but his teeth stayed clenched together. "And what do you mean, 'it'? What is supposed to be bothering me?"

"Jacob," I groaned, tossing my head to the side and closing my eyes. "Jessica Stanley is…" Stopping before the endless amounts of insults poured out of me was like trying to stop a piece of dynamite from exploding.

"She's what? You don't even know her!" he whined. Looking up at me with pleadingly, he begged me to stop the charades. "How can you not like her?"

"I just don't, Jacob. How can I? You didn't even tell me you were talking to anyone else, but here you are completely whipped to the point that you can't even hang out with your best friend anymore. How can you like her, knowing that she's taking me away from you?"

"Bells, she's not keeping me from you." Jake shockingly stared directly at me.

"Then why?" I started to ask, but he stopped me.

"It's just that…I really care about her, alright? A lot, and I don't know. I'm messing up, not her. And you not being supportive of our relationship is hard on me." A softness came to his eyes that had never been there before.

I kept waiting for him to stare at the ground – to look at anything but me. It didn't happen. Instead, his dark eyes gracefully watched mine.

"How am I not supportive? You haven't even given me a chance to be…" I swallowed back the gag in the back of my throat, "supportive of you guys. All you do is question me whenever Embry isn't around, and when he is, you just walk away. Then you go around and knock the crap out of him every chance you get. Don't think I haven't noticed, Jacob Black. Everyone has noticed!"

I wanted to think that him hitting Embry so powerfully was about his feelings for me and not about the situation in general, but his answer didn't solve anything.

"Damnit, Bella. I'm not hitting him hard out of anything. Coach is trying to make football players out of these guys. If you haven't noticed, his entire line is leaving this year. We'll all be in college, and he'll be left with these guys. We're just trying to show them how to run the ball and how to hit. That's all. Will you stop making this more than what it is?" Jacob's voice was a growl of disgust and frustration.

"So, you're not jealous?" I whispered, my heart quietly breaking.

"Is that what you want? Is that what you're trying to do? You want me to be jealous? I never thought you'd be that type of girl, Bells." He breathed deeply as his body began to shake uncontrollably. His bewildered eyes stared at his shaking arms. The fence clanked under the vibration of his hands. "I have to go."

With that said, he turned to go, but I stopped him dead in his tracks. "Jake." I said with a sigh. "Why are you getting so upset?"

He turned around slowly. "You honestly have to ask that?"

I nodded my head. "It's like… ever since I left to go to my mom's, maybe even before then, things have changed. I feel like I don't even know you anymore. I miss you, Jake."

Jacob's head dropped. For a moment, it looked like he was debating with himself, as if there were two parts of him trying to escape at the same time. He jogged the few steps back to me. His hand cupped my chin and brought it out of its dropped position.

"I know things are different. I don't know why they are, but… Bells." He shook his head with closed eyes. The words he wanted to say formed on his lips, but his voice would not say them. After a few moments, he opened his eyes back up. They were a softer and more pleasant than they had been before. He smiled sweetly at me. "I… "

"Does it bother you that I'm…with… Embry?" Those words were only a thought, or so I had hoped. Instead, they had dribbled from my lips and were left to permeate in the air between us.

"You're WITH Embry?" His demeanor darkened.

"I don't know. We're… I…" I stopped. "I like him. Is that okay?"

Jacob laughed softly and breathlessly. "Bells, you don't need my permission to like someone else."

I spoke up and glanced at him before my cheeks tinted with embarrassment. "Can you stop hitting him so hard? It kinda bothers me."

Jake rolled his eyes with a smile. His arms wrapped tightly around me and squeezed me so hard I could barely catch a breath of fresh air.

"Sure, sure, but only if you promise me one thing in return." He leaned back and raised his eyebrows.

"What?"

The way he was looking at me with sheer and utter acceptance made me feel like a puddle of goo at the bottom of his feet. I would do whatever he wanted me to do, as long as it didn't involve Jessica and me hanging out in the same room for more than five minutes.

"Cut me a break with Jessica. I really like her too." He spoke so softly and so quietly that I was not sure that I had heard him right.

Of course he wanted me to cut him some slack, but how else was I supposed to feel? My best friend was banging the head cheerleader and the most evil person in our class. What did he want me to do? I would not befriend Jessica. I did not have it in me to become one of those girls in our school. I had kept low on her radar the past three years, but now, I was not just a blip. I was the main target.

She had everything I wanted. How could I cut him a break?

"Scrimmage!" Coach Whitlock yelled over the talking, overgrown athletes.

"Alright." I shook my head in concurrence. I didn't have time to over-think this.

"Okay? Great! You'd really like her too, ya know. If you tried to." He smiled that sweetly pathetic smile that would get me to do anything he wanted me to do. The bad part? He knew what that smile did.

"Jake," I angrily whined. "Don't you have to go play or something?"

"Yeah. I guess. Embry is looking like he needs a few more hits to toughen him up."

"Jacob Black!" I smacked his bare arm.

"What? I gave my permission for you two! Now all I need you to do is return the favor!"

"What does the favor entail?" I sighed, crossing my arms and looking way from him.

He knew he already had me in the palm of his hand, which was why he was making this ten times harder on me than he should have .

"You and me." He stopped. I turned my attention to him. "Dinner." I quirked my eyebrow at him and tried to ignore the butterflies that had now exploded inside of me. It wasn't just in my stomach. No, they were everywhere. My skin was drawing goosebumps. "With Embry and Jess. Saturday night." He raised his eyebrows, and a sweet, sexy smile spread across his face.

"Ugh." I rolled my eyes and turned my attention to the young girl playing in the grass a few feet away. Her hair was a soft black and her skin the color of Jacob's. Her small lips mirrored the thickness of Jacob's, and as she smiled, her cheeks dimpled.

"Fine." I groaned, and turned around. "But you owe me. Big time!"

"Anything you want!" Jacob smiled so big that my heart melted into my chest. The dimples of his cheeks made his smile all that more astonishing. I sighed, knowing that he had me right where he wanted me, and he knew I would remind him of the debt he now owed.

"Anything." I laughed and turned to walk away.

"Thanks, Bells. You're the greatest." I heard the smile in his words as I walked toward the parking lot. With a flick of my hand, I waved goodbye to him.

"Embry, dude," Jacob called. "Saturday, we're having dinner at Bella's."

Embry looked in my direction with disappointment, then back to Jacob. He nodded in acknowledgement before he glanced back at me. His stare tore through my skin as if he were trying to look deep inside of me for an answer. I felt bad. Not only had I given into Jacob, but I had somehow voided the date I had with Embry.

Saturday would be interesting to say the least.


	5. Hindsight

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Author's Note:** _Quick note just to touch base about this update. If you haven't read the Prologue in a while, then I would suggest going back and skimming over it just to get the feel of it again as this update does relate back to the Prologue._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715\

**Suggested Listening: **Howard Shore – Jacob's Theme; The Fray Hundred

**Want DI teasers? graphics? music? hints? Come visit me on JBNP!**

http:/jacobblack-n-pack(.)ning(.)com/group/divineintervention

_If you want to join, then please PM me with your birth year. Thank you!  
_

_

* * *

_

**Present Day**

_**Jacob**_

I didn't know what to think as the images on the screen slowly flickered to a stop. Scattered lines crossed the screen pausing the movie far too soon, but it was a welcomed pause. The time this mini-intermission gave me was enough to absorb what had actually happened. Sure, sure, I had lived those days just the same as Bella, but not with the same realizations; not with the same bundles of feelings aching to be set free.

I was on a different path then – a path that led me nowhere else but here. It was a fucked up here, but I was here, alive, and breathing with a beautiful daughter and a cold best friend lying on her death bed. A shiver ran up my spine.

This was where I was now. I was here, not there, not on the movie screen living the life I thought I had wanted. I was right here in this imaginary movie theater watching a movie about my best friend's life with my dead mother, who looked more like an angel than a corpse. It was a bold way to look at it, but the truth nonetheless.

What was I thinking back then?

The fuzzy outlines of what I'd once wanted life to be and what was happening now were slowly coming into focus. And I was sure that the angelic mother sitting next to me was responsible for all of it.

Another shiver rippled down my spine.

Facing the truth – seeing the truth – for what it was had always been hard for me. It was easier to divert myself from the pain, from the aggravation, than it was to run head on into the black, murky water that was slowly drowning me. I didn't want to drown, but was drifting really considered living?

"Jacob," Mom's voice scattered the emerging thoughts.

I turned to look at her with a hope that she would let me in on this little secret she was unwinding.

"Can we talk for a minute," her hand clasped mine, comforting me with just a single touch – a mother's touch. It was a feeling I hadn't felt in years, but I couldn't deny that I missed it. A lot.

"Of course," I tried my best to smile and to wipe the worry from my face.

"Don't worry, " she said.

I was trying not to, but there was still so much left to see, to feel, to hear that I couldn't possibly begin to understand what Bella was about to go through. Yet, here she was years after this teenage drama on her death bed, hanging on to her life so diligently, but letting go at the same time. The one common factor in all of it: me.

"I'm trying not to," I whispered looking down upon our clasped hands. Her fingers tried to rub the worry off in slow circles.

"It's just the beginning. There's still so much more," the ease in her voice poured out of her and into the air almost clearing the worry from my mind.

"I just can't… I didn't know." Nodding my head up and down seemed to shut up the nagging sadness filling me up inside.

"I know you didn't know, Jacob. How were you supposed to know when she didn't really know herself?" Mom's fingers squeezed my hand tightly, drawing my attention back to her angelically beautiful face.

The sadness of losing my mom at such a young age and the loss of Bella in the next room began to fill my lungs with the black, murky water. Breathing was no longer an option if the two women who meant the world to me were no longer alive and well.

But, what about my daughter? She should be more important than either of them. She needed me, but this choice Mom had given me – the choice of love or fear – held tightly onto my heart.

With my daughter, my beautifully perfect daughter, came mounds of fear bundled tightly together and tied with a bow of love, that would never falter and fade. That fear was larger than me. It was larger than this imaginary room, than this hospital, than this world. If I messed up, if I over-protected, if I didn't protect enough, then she could possibly veer in the wrong direction. It was the last thing I wanted to happen. Our daughter deserved the world. She deserved to see, feel, hear the universe at her fingertips.

Without Bella, without her unyielding feelings, I wouldn't have my daughter. I wouldn't be where I was right now. It was a catch-22. No matter how many times I played it out in my head, I couldn't get it right. There was always one without the other.

"I don't know. I just…I should have protected her. I should have known. I know Bells better than she knows herself. I mean, I kinda knew that things were moving in that direction, but at the time I was caught up in Jessica, excited about my last year of high school ball, and actively being scouted that I couldn't see what was right in front of me the whole time," the more I talked the weaker sounding my voice became until I was speaking barely above a whisper. "She's always been there, ya know?"

"She has."

"All of these what-if's keep playing in my head. What if I would have acted on her unsureness about us? What if I dumped Jessica for her? What if … but every time I think of a solution, it's always losing her. I don't know how to get out of that, because I can't lose Bella. She's everything to me. She's the mother of my daughter. She's my best friend…"

The softness of Mom's airy touch lifted my chin as though it were as light as paper. "She's become something more to you than just a best friend, hasn't she?"

I nodded.

"She always has been."

I swallowed.

Mom smiled and pushed a strand of hair out of my face. "I'm glad you grew it back out."

My lips turned up into a smile automatically. She had been watching me over the years.

"Why did you cut it?"

"Something different," my eyes stared at the loud patterns on the chairs behind her head.

"And?" Mom's all knowing voice cleared the air of any negligence on my part.

"Jessica thought it would look better," I laughed, remembering the fit Bella nearly threw when I showed up at her door with hair shorter than Charlie's. "Bella hated it. She was glad I grew it back out too."

"Smart girl," she laughed and grew silent.

The silence was heavy with unfelt feelings. Those feelings had been lurking around for so many years that I'd nearly forgotten what it felt like to actually feel them pounding through my veins. Just the thought of losing her was fear enough to set in motion feelings that I had always seen as physical. Bella was an incredibly beautiful woman. She was the entire package, and whatever guy she chose to be with was a lucky one.

A lump of tension formed in my throat out of nowhere. Thickly, I swallowed the ball of apprehension and felt it bounce down into my stomach. The ball unfolded slowly as if it were a crumpled piece of paper. As it unfolded, the anxiety began to burn.

Needing to relax, I skewed my head back and rested it on the back of the chair. From the corner of my eye, Mom's twitching caught my attention. She fidgeted nervously in her seat. Turning her mystifying body toward me, she gawked at me as if she was about to ask a question.

"What?" I asked a few moments into her staring competition with my cheek. I tried to not sound rude or ill mannered, but there was only so much glaring a boy could take.

"Are we going to discuss the real issue here?" She crossed her arms over her chest.

"Real issue?" The question dumbfounded me. I had no idea what she was talking about.

"Embry," with the mention of his name came the unsettling memories of what she was undoubtedly going to ask me about. So, I did what any man would do in a situation like this. I avoided the issue.

"Embry wasn't anything," I scoffed trying to sound convincing, but knowing somewhere deep inside I was still lying to myself. The burning tension in my belly smoldered.

"Yeah, so you just normally sack the crap out of your friends?"

Her point blank question drew my attention to her face where I caught the look only a mother could give a son and still make him feel like he was six. I cringed and slid into my seat a bit.

"Can't we just watch the rest of the movie?"

"No. Not until we discuss why you were hitting him so hard."

"I wasn't!" I growled.

"You did," she accused, knowing that she was right and I was wrong.

"I didn't," I still chose to deny it. The truth was slowly unraveling somewhere deep inside of me. Mom was the culprit with the end of the string.

"Jacob Ephraim Black!"

My name reached my ears and immediately I wanted to crawl under a rock somewhere to never be seen again. I sunk into my chair even further and brought my hands to my chest. I laced my fingers together and studied the outlines of my knuckles. Even after years without hearing that, she still held me by the collar with those words. Mom was going to drag the truth out of me whether I liked it or not, so I sucked up my pride and went with it.

"I remember those practices. I don't know what had gotten into me, but I was at my limit with everything…"

"What's 'everything'," she interrupted.

Out of reflex, I rolled my eyes and sat up in my chair. "I don't know." I lied angrily.

A deep breath in and a deep breath out seemed to ease the fire burning inside of my stomach.

"Jacob," her voice was unsettling to my ears.

"Fine. I was…I don't know…I felt…" My cheeks began to burn radically. "I'm not sure what I felt. All I know is that it didn't seem right that out of all the years I was with her, I was next to her, that she never supported me the way I needed her to. But, the second Embry asks her to come support him, she's there without hesitation, without question. She was there for him, not me," the words rolled off of my tongue effortlessly. "It wasn't right. It made me angry. It made me furious! I couldn't understand why it was him and not me, ya know?"

I quirked my eyebrow and stole a look at my Mom, who was sitting in her seat with a glorious smile on her face. I groaned and slid back into my seat.

"Why are you smiling?" I whimpered like a small, helpless puppy dog who had lost his way.

"Because," Mom's lips tightened into a straight firm line which I'm sure was painful, but she couldn't hold it as long as she wanted. When her smile broke through again, a small giggle followed suit.

"Because why," my voice lowered into a hush. I already knew what she was going to say. Just like I knew it was going to make her that much happier by saying it. So, I gave her the chance to steal her happiness out of my jealous soul.

"You were jealous." Her voice wasn't as happy as I thought it would have been. Instead, a sense of worry and sadness filtered through her words filling my body back up with a worrisome haze. "Was that really what was bothering you though? That she only came to see him and not you?"

I'd never thought about it. I'd never given myself a chance to think about it. That's what I did. I never really thought about my actions until after I'd done them, then I was in for a whole other world. Repercussions were always in the back of my mind. Most of the time, though, I was never really the one to see or feel those repercussions. I looked over my shoulder to the hospital room where Bella lay dying. Bella always seemed to deal with my repercussions.

The flame in my stomach ignited again and I felt the burn spread through my chest, up my neck, across my face, and into my eyes. I closed them to try to put the burning to rest. Reopening them, I expected to see my Mom's somber face, but I didn't. Instead, my vision clouded with a blurry film. The burning had ceased, but the corners of my eyes stung. I brought my hand to my face and covered my mouth. Squeezing my hand together and releasing it back, I rubbed my cheeks back and forth, trying to rub away some of the burning in my cheeks, but found that the effortless rubbing only caused my skin to burn more.

I cleared my throat as another lump of tension had formed. For the first time since I'd reopened my eyes, I blinked and the fuzzy vision was gone. My eyes focused in on the sad, apologetic, teary eyes of my mother.

The hand that had been rubbing my cheeks was suddenly wet with moisture. I pulled it back away from my face and stared at the two tears resting almost perfectly on the crease of my thumb and on my forefinger. I blinked again to see if those tears had come from my eyes, and was granted with my answer.

My eyes slowly leaked out tear after tear without effort or control. I exhaled out of an open mouth and watched the tears dribble down my mother's face.

"It's ok to cry," she reassured my never ending tears, but I didn't know why I was really crying.

Was it because I was afraid of the decision I had to make? Was it the worry of losing my daughter and my best friend? Was it the sudden realization that Bella, alone, had taken on the repercussions of my actions almost every single time I made a split second decision?

Hindsight. They say it's 20/20, but my vision only became blurrier the further I got into it.

* * *

_As always thanks to Pooks79 and my comma nazi, kennedymommy3 for being awesome beta's._

**Please review.**


	6. Consideration

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening: **Skillet – These Nights; Lykke Li – Possibility; Civil Twilight – Letters from the Sky;

**Want DI teasers? graphics? music? hints? Come visit me on JBNP!**

_If you want to join, then please PM me with your birth year!  
_

**Thanks to kennedymommy3 for being the greatest beta ever! (& for putting up with my lack of commas!)**

With considering my talk with Jacob came the realization that maybe the effort I put forth to get to know Embry a little bit better had come off as insensitive. On my part, honestly, the thought never crossed my mind. Maybe, my showing up to practice showed more support for Embry and less for Jake. I hated making him feel that way, so I slacked off on visiting practice the rest of the week. It wasn't that Jacob had an ungodly power over me, as much as it was my peace offering to our friendship.

Our friendship had always outlasted any relationship, any argument, and any tribulation. There wasn't a single thing that tore us apart. However, the current situation began to show promise of a future without him, so I took the first step in removing the possible conflicts from the equation. No, as much as I would have liked to remove Jessica, I didn't have that much power, and my heart wouldn't allow the removal of Embry since he'd quietly stepped up to bat. The first step I was talking about was consideration. Sure, he could have shown me a little consideration, but I knew Jacob far better than he knew himself. It would _never_ happen.

I texted Embry from the confines of my bedroom when I didn't show up to practice on Wednesday. It felt odd texting someone and apologizing for something that wasn't really a problem. However, I sucked up the difficult thoughts and questions and just apologized. It may not have seemed like a concern to anyone else, but I always apologized for things out of my control. So, this 'sorry' was nothing new to me. It was what I did even if the reason didn't seem to be right.

'**Sorry abt not being practice. Bells'**

After biting at my nails, twisting my hair into knots, and pacing back and forth across my room for what felt like days, he replied back.

'**its ok. bcuz of jake? E.C. #22'**

I debated on telling him the truth. If I told him the truth, then Embry may confront Jacob, which was something I didn't want to happen. At the same time, though, I didn't want to lie to him. Lying had never been a great quality of mine. I usually always forgot what I had actually said in the lie. But, not telling Em the truth this early on in whatever was happening (and I hoped _something_ was happening) would ruin everything.

So, I typed out my reply as quickly as my fingers would move.

'**Yeah. He thinks Im only there to support u. Tht Im only around bcuz of u. Bells' **

His apology was quick and eloquent.

'**Sorry. E.C. #22'**

'**Not ur fault. Dont worry abt it. Bells'**

The simple fact that he apologized meant more to me than any other response he could have come up with. Embry's apology put another set of butterflies in my stomach. This time, though, as they began flapping their wings, they floated to the left side of my chest where my heart resided. My heart wasn't used to beating for someone who wasn't already in my life. And just thinking that simple little thought tore down the happiness surrounding me.

If my heart was pitter pattering because of Embry, then did I ever truly 'like' Jacob the way I thought I had?

I didn't know. I'm not sure that it would ever make sense to me, but Embry had come into my life for a reason. That reason may not have been evident at the moment, but I hoped it would become clearer the more I hung out with him…if he ever wanted to hang out with me again.

We weren't even officially dating and Jacob was already pulling him through the ringer. It seemed obvious that it was just the beginning of Jacob's little tests. I'd have to remember to talk to Jacob about that. After all, wasn't Embry one of Jacob's best friends? Why put Embry through the ringer when Jake already knew who he was and where he came from?

It didn't make sense in my mind, but in my heart, it made perfect sense. My heart said that it bothered Jacob, that it hurt him, to see me close to anyone else besides him. But, my mind knew better. I had boyfriends before. I dated Mike Welch, _the_ relenting asshole of our class. Hell, I even dated Emmett McCarty, _the notorious hottie (and cheater) of Forks_, and Jake didn't so much as blink an eye. In fact, I'm pretty sure that he took it harder than me when I broke up with Emmett due to his lack of self control (that was putting it nicely).

What was I supposed to do now? My brain was arguing with my heart, and my heart was telling my brain to shut up already and deal with it. I wished that for once they could get along, that one would listen to the other. The vibration in my hand silenced both of them quickly.

'**Want 2 come hang out w/ me tmrrw? E.C. #22'**

I genuinely smiled and bounced on the balls of my feet as I typed back my acceptance.

'**Of course! Id luv 2. Ur house? Bells'**

'**Meet me First Beach. 8pm. E.C. #22'**

A flutter zipped through my chest.

'**K. Bells'**

'**Wear sumthin warm. Bonfire. Jake says we can go bck 2 his place aftr. Tht ok? E.C. #22'**

The idea of being at a bonfire not next to Jacob, but with Jacob there didn't really go over so well in my head. I couldn't see any outcome being a good one, but I didn't really care. All I wanted to do was see where things were going with Embry. I deserved that much, right? I deserved to be happy and to see what my life could be like in someone else's hands.

Then there was the fact that Jacob had agreed to the invitation and had actually invited us, Embry and I, back to his place after the bonfire. Obviously, Jake knew that Embry had intended on me being there with him. I felt the stumbling in my chest and the fluttering slow in my belly, but it was overshadowed when it hit me that Embry had taken it upon himself to run it by Jacob. Not that he needed to, but the simple fact that he did was more than amazing to me.

'**Tht would b great. :) Bells.'**

'**Cant wait 2 c u again. E.C. #22' **

That was when my heart and my head finally decided to agree on something. Whatever feelings I did have for Jacob – no matter if they were a figment of my imagination or not – wouldn't be on the forefront of my mind. Jake was with someone who he felt was worth more of his time than me, so I had to give him the chance to see where it went, just as he was giving me a chance to see what life would be like without his constant interference.

For that, I remembered why he was my best friend and why I'd chosen him before I could even humor the idea of love. Jake was the most important man in my life besides Dad. It would always be that way no matter how strongly I felt for him.

The Washington weather didn't disappoint. As I pulled into a makeshift parking spot close to First Beach, I noticed the dark ominous rolling clouds in the sky. They moved slowly on the horizon scattering the sunlight into small rays of sunshine. I followed a ray of light downward toward the sandy beach, covered sporadically with people. However, the ray of light was fixated on someone further down the beach. It illuminated a brightness inside of me causing a ball of rolling butterflies to form. My skin crawled for the kindness of a friend. Taking larger than normal steps, I followed the beating of my heart into the direction of my illuminated best friend.

Quickly, my brain caught up with the rest of me, and I came to a slow stop – my feet barely taking inch long strides. Scouring the rest of the beach, I looked for the one figure that would stop all of this. As I noticed the absence of Jessica and the possibility of alone time with Jacob, my steps turned into a light jog. And before I knew it, I was sprinting toward the warmest part of my life.

He turned at what I assumed was the sound of my panting breaths. Then, he smiled the brightest, most endearing smile I'd ever seen and opened his arms so wide that I would have second guessed myself had I not known that I was the only person running straight for him. And when I was close enough to smell his dark, warm, natures-que scent, I leaped as hard as I could with closed eyes.

A soft thud resonated inside my chest as our bodies collided together. My legs wrapped around his waist and his welcoming arms wrapped tightly around my midsection. With a sigh, Jacob buried his head into my shoulder and I buried mine into his. For a few silent, confident moments, our time together was unyielding, welcomed, and loving. It was the welcoming I should have gotten on my return from visiting Renee. It was the welcome home I had expected.

_I missed him so much._

"Bells," he mumbled. I imagined his eyes were closed as he talked. "I've missed you. "

"Me too," I whispered a kind assurance into the long strands of his hair. I'd missed these days - the days where we didn't have to worry about how we came off to other people. I missed the days we could be us - the closest of best friends. I missed the nights we stayed up late talking, eating, watching movies, and falling asleep next to each other on the couch. I missed everything about him. _Everything._

"I'm not used to this," his voice was quiet and tender. "You not being around all the time."

"It's weird," we both spoke up and lifted our heads at the same time. His eyes stared dramatically at my own with millions of words needing to be said, but none of them making it to his lips.

My gaze fell to his smile. His smile was so beautiful and so true. I couldn't imagine anyone else's smile making the world glow like his did. When he smiled, the world seemed brighter, softer, and kinder. I could see the gentleness in his soul through his parted smiling lips. A soft chuckle vibrated his chest and his lips closed over his teeth, but they separated moments later when his tongue snuck out to moisten them.

The air filling my lungs screeched to a halt. Those butterflies that filled me up just before I had run to him spread their wings and tried to fly out of my stomach through the confines of my throat. My breathing became stilled while his lips held my heart captive.

I wasn't sure what he was doing, where he was looking, or if he was staring at me like I was insane. All I knew was that his lips were begging with me, pleading with me, to touch them, to feel the side of my best friend I'd never felt before. A part of me began to listen to the insanity running through my veins. That part would have been my heart – overreacting as usual. However, the other side of me needed to explore my options. I needed to know what his lips felt like, because I'd never felt them before. This was the part of me that overshadowed my heart. It told me that I was just being a teenager wanting to explore the hormonal side of my best friend. Embarrassment began to creep out of my conscience and pooled in my cheeks as rosy red blotches.

"I've missed you so much," I tried to hide the thoughts running carelessly through my brain.

"You already said that," Jacob laughed. My eyes finally caught his again.

"Oh," I mouthed and leaned my forehead against his. "What's new?"

"Oh, nothing," the smirk playing on his lips and the excitement on his face told a different story.

"Tell me! Tell me!" I squealed. It had to be good news. I hoped it was good news - like why there was a lack of Jessica when she had been taking up every last bit of his time lately.

"Ok," his body stiffened as I bounced out the excitement. "I will if you stop bouncing like an idiot!"

"Sorry," I shoved off the rejected feeling in the pit of my stomach and concentrated on whatever he was about to tell me.

"As long as this season goes as planned, which it will," Jacob smiled that million dollar smile of his and the sun seemed to brighten. "I will be playing college ball at the University of Florida!"

That was Jake's number one pick, and from what I knew about football, playing for the Florida Gator's was exactly what you wanted if you were wanting a future career in the NFL. That had always been his dream. I couldn't be more than elated for him.

"Jake!" I latched onto his shoulders and pulled his torso to mine. Squeezing him tightly, I felt the nagging in my stomach begin to grow. "That is so amazing! Are they going to give you a scholarship or what?"

I pulled back just enough to see the glow spreading from his eyes to his face and then the rest of him. He was so happy. In this moment, his happiness was my happiness.

"Yeah, full ride – as long as I don't get hurt," he squeezed me tightly again and buried his head into my neck.

"I'm so proud of you," I nearly blubbered as the emotions of the moment slowly began to spread through me. He'd always talked about going away to an amazing college to play ball, and now he was really going to.

"Don't cry, Bells." I thought I felt a faint kiss linger on my hair. "I'm proud of me too!"

His cockiness, the cockiness that I'd come to love, eroded out of him in waves of happiness.

"You know," he cleared his throat. "We always planned on going away to college together…" Jacob pulled back slowly and looked over my tear stained face.

"No, Jake," I waved my hand to try to rid the air of any confusion.

"Shh. Listen. I want you to, if you want to, to apply to U of F. You're my best friend, Bells. Nothing's going to change that," he swiped his thick thumb across my cheek taking with it a happy tear.

"Jake, U of F is really expensive."

"I know, but maybe with financial aid… and you're smart, Bells! You could get scholarships," Jacob spoke as if he had already thought about the whole situation.

"I'll," I nodded my head. "See what I can do. Alright? But no promises." I wrapped my arms around his neck and squeezed again.

For about an hour, Jacob and I walked the shore of the beach letting our feet get wet and talking about everything under the moon – just like old times. Things weren't weird or strained. There weren't absent minded feelings lingering in the air. The dreams we had were what they'd always been. And for a moment in time, we were us again – a hanging memory in the cloudy August sky.

"Do you remember the first bonfire you came to with Charlie?" Jacob asked as he shoved the sleeves to his white hooded sweatshirt down.

I faintly remembered my first trip here, but to be honest, it wasn't something I was interested in at the time. It hadn't been too long after Renee and Dad had split up. I'd been crying and sticking to myself a lot. Not even Charlie could clear up the dreary mood I had going on. Most of the evening, I spent playing alone in the sand, building sandcastles and then tearing them down out of anger. It didn't feel right that my parents were the only parents I knew who were divorcing.

I remember, I was in the middle of a sandcastle, kicking down the neatly compacted walls when someone came up behind me.

"What are you doing?" Jacob asked somberly. I remembered his eyes being red and swollen like he'd just gotten finished crying.

"Kicking down this stupid thing," I muttered as my foot met with another wall of the castle.

"Why?" Jacob shoved his hands in his pockets.

I looked up to him and found myself agitated. "Why are you asking me so many questions? Don't you have someone else to go bug or something? I'm not in the mood, Jake. Can you just leave me alone?"

With a toothy grin, he laughed. "Now who's the one asking all the questions?"

"I do. You were a pain even then," I nagged with a laugh. "And god, we were what? Seven?"

"Eight," he corrected, his mouth hanging open in a wide laugh. "You were really pissed."

"Not really pissed," I mumbled softly, remembering the empty feeling I held inside of me for years after Renee left. "Upset."

"Yeah. It wasn't too long after your Mom left right," he asked looking up from the sandy beach toward me.

"Nope. Sarah hadn't been gone long either," I stated – not asked. It was a tender subject for Jacob. He didn't talk about it much, mostly, because it still bothered him that his mother was taken from him so soon.

We kind of related to each other better after losing our mothers. Granted, the loss of my mother wasn't nearly as heart wrenching as Jacob's loss, but still, our losses were what pulled us together.

The day of my first bonfire marked one week after Sarah's passing, so I knew better than to ask Jacob why he was crying. I understood his pain and in that pain, we joined together somehow. Jake took to protecting me, watching me, being there for me to shield himself from the effects of Sarah's death. I took to him, because he offered me comfort and a warm place to guard myself from all the hurt I'd found in my heart. That day marked the beginning of the 'Jake and Bells' saga.

"Nah," he stopped and turned toward the ocean. His eyes were lost in the horizon looking for something more than what was visible. "You know, I can still… I think about her a lot."

"Your mom?" I stepped toward him. Our arms brushed against the other sending electrifying shocks through my skin.

Jacob bit into his lip and took a quick glimpse out of the corner of his eye. "Yeah. Sometimes, I feel like…" His words were strained, distant like he wasn't sure he should say them, but with a deep breath he gave up on the doubt. "Like she's watching me."

A gust of wind picked up as a wave crashed to shore. The sun had begun to set behind the dark gray clouds leaving a purple hue in its wake. I closed my eyes and relished in the feel of Jacob's arm against mine and the cool wind spreading a warmth through me that could only be described as divine. The wind carried with it a thick scent of ocean, salt, and nature. It was fresh, ominous, and tender. It was the type of sunset you'd see in movies – the all too beautiful sky above the rough relaxing ocean.

The back of Jacob's hand brushed against the back of my own reminding me of the sheer size difference between us. His hand nearly tripled my own, but he wasn't as intimidating as he looked. In this setting, his size meant nothing. It was just another adjective to describe him.

His thumb slowly swiped up and down my wrist. The touch of his thumb caused the electricity I had felt before to intensify and shoot up my arm. His skin on my skin was erotic even if it wasn't meant to be. It felt that way. It felt right.

Just as slowly as his thumb moved up and down my wrist, it stopped. Immediately, my body felt drained, and alone. I was empty. My skin was cold and bitter without the contact it obviously needed. A shiver began at my finger tips and slithered up my arm continuing until it had reached the side of my chest where my heart was thumping. The cold loneliness began to leak into it until the warmth of my best friend's palm came into contact with mine.

His thick fingers pressed between mine and separated them as he intertwined our hands together like we used to do as kids. Jacob's palm was warm and sweaty. It instantly converted the cold chill in my body to a warm glowing fire shooting through my veins. Jake squeezed my hand.

My attention was now on our hands, but it slowly traveled up his muscular arm to his stunningly shadowed profile. I was lucky to have him in my life. I was lucky to have this closeness. I was lucky that he trusted me as much as he did. So, with assurance in my blood, I squeezed his hand back and nudged his arm with mine.

"I'm always here, Jake," I whispered just loud enough for him to hear.

"I know," his whisper matched my own.

And for now, we were Jake and Bells – the same Jake and Bells who kicked down sand castles together out of sadness and anger almost ten years ago. Only now, in this moment, we needed each other for different reasons.

It was then that I knew my true feelings for Jacob, and I knew I'd wait until he was ready.

"Bella!"

Our moment was cut short with the elated call of my name. Jacob released his grip on my hand quickly. We both turned toward the impatient Embry jogging toward us. His grin was wide and pulled a deep smile from within me out.

"Em!" I smiled and waved. I turned toward Jacob for a moment. He nodded an assuring nod and I was gone. My feet picking up sand and kicking it behind me in an excited trail of elation behind me.

"Where've you been? I've been looking for you for like a half hour," he spoke as his arms dove around my waist and lifted me. My chest was against his. The ridges of his muscles brushed against my cotton covered breasts. A tingle started in my chest and slowly spread like wild fire across my skin.

"Jake and I took a walk," I answered, burying my head into his chest.

"Oh, okay. Cool. Well, they're about to start. Let's go get a seat," he motioned toward the other end of the beach as he spoke. His eyes stayed glued to mine until I nodded in agreement and latched onto his hand, then his eyes drifted up to where I'd left Jacob. "You coming?"

The concern in Embry's voice was almost too much. I wanted to run to Jacob and ask him what was up – if something had happened that he hadn't told me about, but I didn't. Reluctantly, I didn't take any action except curling myself into Embry's side.

Jacob's eyes darkened. "In a minute. I just have to make a quick call."

Embry nodded with a pleading glance, which led me to believe that he knew more than I did. He guided me in the direction of the bonfire without really saying much of anything. When I was sure we were far enough away from Jake that he couldn't hear our conversation, I asked Embry about the glances between the two of them.

"What was that about?" My teeth chattered with an intense nervousness. I clenched my jaws together to keep the clanking noise from being heard.

"Oh, you know Jake, he's always got a plan," Embry answered surprisingly confident in my knowledge of Jacob.

"Yeah, he does," I took a quick glance over my shoulder to see what Jacob was doing. His cell phone was strategically placed against his ear. His back faced the beautiful sunset behind him. This left Jacob with a darkness surrounding him. It wasn't the kind of darkness that was eerie or scary. The darkness that had settled around him somehow reflected a decision he'd just made.

For a moment, I was angry. I was angry because had it been the way it used to be, then I would have known what was happening. I would know why Jessica wasn't here and who he was calling at the moment. I would know what those looks between him and Embry were. I would understand everything he was going through.

As angry as it made me, I couldn't find it in myself to be irritated with anyone besides myself. If I hadn't felt the way I did… if I hadn't gone away for three weeks, then all of this wouldn't be happening.

Embry's grip squeezed my side bringing my attention to the fact that I'd stopped moving. My feet were planted in the sand and my head turned back toward Jake, who was animatedly tossing his hand in the air. Even from this distance, I could feel the agitation rippling off of him.

"Where's Jessica?" The words left my mouth before I could catch them.

"Well… I'm not supposed to say anything," Embry took a step back to me. His arm encircled my waist again.

I folded my arms across my chest in a silent protest against his secrecy with my best friend.

"But," Embry's eyes focused in on me. "Jake and Jessica haven't really been getting along so well since you came home. Not that it has anything to do with you."

I raised my eyebrow at him in a fuming objection.

"Well, maybe it does. Alright? Jake's been wanting to hang out with you, but Jessica says it's weird how close you and Jacob are. She used to think you guys were dating. I think she's just trying to keep Jake on a short leash. There's something about her that just rubs me the wrong way," Embry explained with a careful and shielding voice.

"She's a bitch," I mumbled, only meaning for myself to hear it, but the switch inside of my brain was misfiring. "Sorry."

Stifling a laugh, Embry wrapped his other arm around my waist. Both of his hands rested on the small of my back where I felt him lace his fingers together. "Don't ever apologize for calling Jessica Stanley a bitch. Never apologize for the truth."

I half expected him to smirk in mid sentence, but he didn't. Instead, Embry's eyes glistened from the light of the setting sun. His tongue peeked quickly through his lips before he chewed on the inner rim of his bottom lip.

It was cute and sexy. The amount of attractiveness this boy had in his little finger was more than the beauty of the new moon. His features seemed exotic and bold, accented perfectly with just the right amount of softness.

"I really like you, Bells," Embry's voice was soft like a whisper and as delicate as a rose petal.

My eyes fell to his chest. I didn't want to reject him, but I couldn't ignore the feelings I held for Jacob. And as much as I wanted something to happen between Embry and me, I just didn't think that I could ever feel for him like I did for Jacob.

However, the truth behind my feelings for Jacob was still unknown. It was a barren desert at the moment. Jake had Jessica. And I had Embry.

"I like you too," I sighed, allowing the butterflies he'd put into my stomach to flap their wings. Faintly, they drowned out the nagging left over feelings of Jacob.

"Can I…" he dipped his head bringing his lips dangerously close to my own. Embry dragged his bottom lip against both of mine and whispered, "kiss you?"

His butterflies multiplied by the thousands, and soon, I felt the need inside of me growing for him. Pressing my lips to his was natural, and with that kiss came the silence of Jacob.

Embry's lips were soft and supple. Again, he tasted as sweet as fresh sugar cane. I felt myself drifting into him – my soul being pulled tenderly from my grasp and for the first time, into someone elses. My indecisiveness cleared again with his kiss, but this time we weren't interrupted. Without interruption came the more passionate Embry. This side of Embry was the side I'd never seen, but I felt the buzzing bubbles of him fill my brain as his tongue traced the line of my bottom lip.

Resistance no longer was a part of my vocabulary. The longer I kissed Embry, I found myself falling deeper into him. He was everything a girl could ask for. He was gentle, but hard – swift, but leisure. Embry took his time. His lips spelling out the feelings he had for me and what he wanted.

As much as I would have second guessed it, I wanted it too.

Just as my lips parted and our tongues twisted together, a loud, aggravated and rude throat clearing tore our lips apart. We both looked at each other still. Embry's lips were pinker and fuller than before. His eyes were a shade darker than they'd started out as.

"When you two are through," the venom in Jacob's voice chilled me to the core, "Dad's waiting."

Saying only that, Jacob walked past the both of us without a second glance. We trailed behind him slowly making our way toward the popping and cracking of the giant fire. Logs, boulders, and a strategically placed hammock surrounded the burning timber. Jake sat on an oversized log on the other side of the fire. Flames licked across his darkened, somber face.

Part of me wondered why he was so upset and a part of me knew that the phone call he'd made was a major part of his moodiness. Secretly, as I had been for the past two weeks, I wished that he was just a tad bit upset that he'd seen the kiss between Embry and me.

Across the fire from Jacob was the hammock. It creaked and groaned under Paul's weight. His legs nearly hung over the end of the metal poles, which looked like they could buckle any time now. Quil and Jared sat on the north side of the bonfire, and on the south side were Billy, Jake's Dad, Sue Clearwater, Old Quil, and a few other tribal council leaders.

The only seats left open were on the giant log next Jacob, who was now staring into the flames with a silence written across his face. He picked at the calluses on his palms – no doubt from the years and years of playing football. Embry and I took our seats as the scattered groups of people joined the group on blankets, in lawn chairs, and some even stood as Billy began telling the ancient legends of the Quileute people. Had I not heard these stories nearly every summer, then I probably would have been spooked by the story of the cold ones or the raven. No matter how many times I heard Billy speak of those legends, I would never get tired of the way he told them. He was animated. His voice elevated and lowered giving the tales a new level of fear.

Midway through the story about the cold ones, an enemy clan of the ancient Quileute tribe, Jacob slid down onto the ground with his back pressed against the giant log. His toes dug deep into the sand as he stretched his legs.

Embry's arm was loosely wrapped around my hips. His thumb hooked into the pocket of my jeans. Em's willingness to display what was going on between us was odd. However, it was comfortable. No one so much as took a second glance. Not that I hadn't caught onto the strangled look on Paul's face as we strolled by him on the way to our seats.

Looking around the bonfire, I watched the people of the reservation with their guests take in the awe that was Billy and his extravagant story telling. They were mesmerized. Their eyes never left Billy's figure as he sat in his wheel chair speaking proudly of those before him.

This was what I wanted out of life. I wanted the support of a family – so large and so strong – that they all stood together and appreciated the things they used to be and the lives their ancestors had lost. It was utterly amazing to watch generation after generation listening to the legends, myths, and folklore knowing one day that it would be their duty to pass on the same stories to the generations below them. It was a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Soon, the story of the cold ones was over, leaving everyone with a menacing feeling. Billy took the time to speak with a couple of people who were more than curious about what the story actually meant and where it originated from. I, on the other hand, took the time to turn toward Embry. His attention was on the conversation across the pit from where we were sitting. I'm sure it was something about football or the upcoming practice. Either way, he looked like he would rather be over there than sitting here with me patiently waiting for Billy to resume his story.

"Embry, man, will you tell this fucker there's no way in hell that Dallas Troubadour can out run your ass?" Paul motioned angrily. Not only was he notorious for speaking before he thought, but his anger management skills were all but minimal.

Embry glanced out of the corner of his eye at me and gave a shake of his head. "Nah. Man…" His hand motioned toward me, then back to himself.

"What? Are you kidding," I asked almost dumbfounded that he felt he needed to stick to my side like glue. "Go ahead."

"Are you sure," his voice raised in excitement. Embry twisted around and faced me.

"Of course, I'm sure," I smiled endearingly. With a quick kiss and a squeeze of my hip, Embry bolted off in the direction of his friends.

"Dude, there's no damn way he can out run me!" Embry cockily spoke. His voice fading into the distance as he and the guys walked toward the cooler.

Comfortably, I sat on the log. Again, I watched the many people interacting with each other as if they were all old friends. I guess, they were. The reservation wasn't large by any means. So, living in such small confines, it would be normal to know just about every person here. And from what I understood, most of them had grown up together just like Jake, Embry, Paul, Quil, and Sam-who was noticeably absent.

Curious as to why Sam wasn't here and where his girlfriend of what felt like years was, I turned to ask Jacob. Only, his attention was elsewhere. A petite little girl of no more than four years old had found her way next to the fire. With a stick in her hand, the long black haired girl poked at the fire over and over again. Turning toward Jacob, she wrinkled her broad nose.

Jake bellowed out a chesty laugh and spun toward the little girl with a grin. He mumbled something to her that only made the little girl's face light up and her eyes shine. The girl, who I presumed Jake knew, plopped her hand on her hip and moved her head from side to side as she talked and babbled on about something that I'm sure Jake knew nothing about. It didn't matter. When it came to children, Jacob had an open heart and almost always befriended them in less than two minutes. I was sure it had something to do with them being on the same maturity level.

"Oh yeah, well, I don't think those wolves will protect you from the tickle monster," Jacob's fingers squiggled and squirmed on the little olive skinned girl's stomach as she doubled over in laughter.

"Hehe hehe hehe, Jacobbbb," she laughed. "I tickle back," she warned before she started to wiggle her fingers across his arms and his chest.

There was something about his interaction with that girl that pulled at my heart strings. It left an ache in my chest that I couldn't put my finger on. All I knew was that it was more than soothing to watch him be so lighthearted and without worry. The innocence reappeared back on his face and the darkness seemed to disappear without much thought.

I smiled and scooted down onto the sand. Turning my back toward the fire, I squeezed in close to Jacob's legs and rested my elbow on his bent knee. "Hi," I smiled. Jake tucked the little girl into his side and spread his arm across the log behind him.

"Hi," she bashfully replied and buried her head into Jacob.

"Aw, c'mon Bug! Don't be shy," he shifted his ribs toward her quickly causing her to pull her face from her hiding spot.

"Is that your girlfriend," she looked up to Jake and then back to me. A blush flooded my cheeks.

Jacob's eyes moved to me and for a moment, I felt an intensity spread from him, into to the air, and then to me. "No, that's Bella. She's my best friend in the whole world." He looked to the little girl he'd called Bug, and back to me. "Always."

I smiled and mouthed an 'Always' back to him.

"Hi Bella! My name is Penny, but my mommy and daddy and my brudder and Jacob call me Bug! You can call me Bug too if you want," Penny's head turned back and forth as she passionately talked about her nickname.

"Nice to meet you, Bug," I reached over Jacob's legs and patted her knee.

"You're pretty," Penny erupted out of nowhere. "Ain't she pretty, Jacob?"

"She's beautiful, Bug," Jake said with a nod of his head. My eyes nearly bugged out of my head as the blush began to burn in my cheeks again.

"Aw. You're awful pretty too," I elated with a gentle grab of her chin. Jake's hand patted the little girls head.

"Gotta watch those boys," Jake winked. "What do we say to boys, Bug?"

"No fank you, mister. The football teams my brudders."

Jake ducked his head as he chuckled deep in his chest. I shook my head and smacked his legs.

"Jake!"

"What?"

"You…" I shook my head again and laughed. "That's so bad."

"Bug?" A slender, muscular woman with a panic stricken look on her face ran up to the three of us.

"Hey Leah," Jacob smiled and helped Bug to her feet.

"Thank god she's with you and not some stranger!" Leah snatched Bug up into her arms and then glanced over at me. "Hi Bella. Nice to see you here again. Jake's been a real pain in the you-know-what while you were gone." Leah rubbed Bug's back as she yawned. "Ok, well," Leah looked over her daughter and then to Jacob and me. "I better get this one back to the blankets. I think she's ready to pass out. Say bye to Jacob and Bella, Bug."

"Bye Jakey. Bye Bella." Bug waved and slid her thumb into her mouth as Leah walked off with her.

Once Leah and Bug were out of sight, Jacob took a deep, long breath and tilted his head back onto the log. His hands slid down his face. "My head hurts."

"Sorry," I mumbled and rested my cheek on my hand that was resting on Jacob's knee still.

"Will you do that magic thing you do when I have a head ache?" Jake whined and rubbed his own temples. I laughed to myself.

"Sure, but you're already kinda doing it."

"Yeah, but you do it better," he sat up far enough so that I could fit behind him and motioned me with closed eyes.

As I sat behind him, I swept his long black hair to the side and cradled his head with my palms. Guiding him back slowly, I rested his head on my lap, then pressed my index and middle fingers to his temples. With gentle but firm pressure, I began to rub small, elegant circles trying to ease the throbbing I felt under the pads of my fingers.

Once I felt the throbbing ease back and almost completely diminish, I asked the million dollar question. "Where's Jessica tonight?"

Jake's closed eyes popped open and he grumbled quietly. "She…well… she's…we're… we had a fight." He spat the last sentence out as if it were a snake getting ready to bite him.

"Oh. What about? " I pressed harder trying to relax him even more.

"You," he whispered, his onyx eyes piercing mine.

Just as I was about to ask him what it was about me, Embry sat down beside of us. Jake lifted his head and sat up – his arms draping around his knees as he stared into the fire. I didn't have a chance to wrap my head around what had been said or what I actually felt before everyone began to shuffle and return to their seats. Embry wrapped his arm around my waist again and hooked his thumb into my pocket as Billy began the second story – the story of the shape-changers.

"Raven was a shape-changer, who could assume any form - human or animal. Raven was a glutton and trickster, but he showed pity for the naked people he found in a giant clamshell. His trickery brought them the essentials for existence in a harsh world - game and fish and fowl, fire, clothing, shelter - and with them the rituals that would protect them from the dark spirits lurking about… *"

As the story continued, my mind drifted elsewhere. Half of me was being pulled toward the boy whose finger was looped into my pocket. He was a getaway. He was different. He was a new experience. But what would happen when the new wore off and it was just him? Would I sincerely have something left over for him? Was my heart big enough to accept him and Jacob?

My chest didn't seem to have enough room. Just the mention of Jacob's name sent my heart into overdrive. It seemed to bounce out and then fall back into its warm safe haven. If Jacob knew would he consider me? Was I a possibility?

I knew our lives would always be entangled. No matter what happened between him and me, we were always going to be there for each other. I could feel it in my bones. Jacob was home to me – even if he couldn't consider me as something more than a best friend. But, could I really expect him to do that after all these years of a purely platonic relationship?

I hoped he could.

A gentle squeeze on my hip diminished the building in my brain. I was over thinking everything again. I knew I was, and I knew that I deserved to be happy. Being with Jake would be my happiest, but right now, that was impossible. Right now, all I could do was cover up the want, the need, and deal with it the best way I could – even if that meant moving on to someone who could consider me as something more than just a girl he'd known for years.

Embry's strong, masculine face glowed with yellows and oranges as the flames of the fire licked the black sky. His lips were moist. A mirror image of the fire reflected in the shiny texture of his wonderfully pouty lips. The corner of his mouth tweaked as he dipped his head – his cheek against my cheek; his lips softly tickling the whispy hairs in front of my ear.

"Let's get out of here," a hushed whisper flowered an image I couldn't get out of my head.

I nodded my head, giving him the go ahead to lead me wherever it was he wanted me. I figured he would try to be inconspicuous about leaving, but he wasn't. He was confident and proud to hold my hand and lead me through the crowd of people, who were probably staring at us like we were about to go off and make bastard children. Not that I wouldn't…do that…with Embry. It was too soon to even think of having sex with him. Wasn't it?

"Where are we going?" I asked as parked cars came to view.

"Toward your car. I figure we'll be headin' back to Jake's soon, and I'd like some alone time with you before," Embry shortened his long striding steps to help me catch up.

"Oh," I mumbled.

"That's okay, right?" He stopped and spun toward me. My small Volkswaggen Rabbit was just out of view. His head blocked the back end of the car Jake had built for me as a present for getting my driver's license.

"What? Yeah." Disbelief puddled in my words. The unease on his face was by far more interrupting than the popping and cracking of the fire. "I didn't mean it that way."

"Alright," he smiled and turned back.

Embry's steps picked up pace and soon I found myself pressed against the side of the car, our lips tangled in a mess of want, need, and hormones. His hands rested at my waist, but I could tell he wanted to touch me in other places. They would sneak up higher and grip onto my ribs, but then retreat in hesitation before he'd slide them down to my hips – his fingertips flirting with the roundness of my butt.

The heat from deep inside of me came out as a hot blush that crept up my neck and across my cheeks. My body was getting used to his, and his to mine as they were drifting closer and closer together with every kiss. By the time, the chattering of people could be heard and the noise of their echoing footsteps reflected in my ears, I was nearly bent over backwards on the hood of my car.

Silently, I pushed a single hand against his chest. "We gotta stop."

With a quick kiss and a few small steps back, Embry glanced over his shoulder. My eyes traveled with his to the few people walking toward us. I was thankful that we'd stopped when we had not because it could have gone further, but because we could have been caught in an embarrassing position that I'm sure I'd have to explain to my dad – which would be completely 100% uncomfortable.

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

Embry dug in his jean pocket and pulled out his cell phone. His eyes rolled up into his head before he proceeded to open his phone and stare at the ground.

"Hey Mom," he glanced up to me after a few seconds and then turned his back with a smile. "No, I can't. I have…What? No, you can't put duct tape over a busted pipe! That won't hold it. Yeah. I know duct tape fixes everything…" Embry turned back toward me and lipped an apology before throwing his hand into the air. "Alright. Fine. I'll be right there. Just don't turn any water on until I get there."

Something inside of me dropped. I wasn't angry, but upset – upset that I wouldn't be getting time with him tonight; upset that we couldn't continue the steamy session we'd just had. But, I couldn't hold it against him. Obviously, his family needed him. I wouldn't stand in the way of that. I wouldn't react with anything but pure respect, because that's what someone like him deserved.

"Sorry Bells," Embry walked closer to me. I continued to watch the small group of people as they came to a stop in front of a car a few yards to the left of us. "A pipe busted and Mom is… well… she's crazy." He laughed softly.

"No, it's okay. Your mom needs you. I respect that," I stepped forward and hugged him tightly around the waist.

"I'll see you Saturday, right?" Em asked into my hair.

"Yeah, of course!"

"And…maybe we'll talk about," he motioned between the two of us with a shy, wishful smile.

"Saturday," I nodded with slight unsureness.

"Alright, well, I better go," he fished the keys from his pocket, kissed the top of my head, and jogged off in the direction of what I would assume was his car.

As Embry reached the group of people who'd interrupted us, he stopped and motioned to me, then to his car. Whoever he was talking to was curious where he was going, but the figure was too dark to tell who it was. All I could see was the outline of his back.

A few moments after Embry and the shadow parted ways, the figured gave a wave and a handshake to the people he'd come up the beach with and then began walking in my direction. The closer he came the more I could see his features with the help of the glowing fire down the beach. A pair of black Nike tennis shoes came to view first, then a pair of khaki shorts hitting mid knee. As the person came closer, the light caught his profile casting beautifully dark shadows across his broad nose, chisled jaw, and onyx eyes.

I smiled.

"Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Bells," Jake shoved up the sleeves of his white sweatshirt and cupped his hands together like a catcher's mitt.

"Who says you get to drive?" I asked, quirking my eyebrow at him.

"I do. You scare the shit out of me when you drive," Jake clamped his hands down and then opened them back up.

"How so?" I was slightly offended. Slightly – because sometimes I scared myself.

Jake laughed and rolled his eyes. "Give me the keys."

I shrugged and tossed the keys to him, before I ducked into the passenger side. He jogged around the car and hopped into the driver's seat.

"Hold on to your titties! We're goin' for a ride," he whooped, revving the engine before spinning the wheels out of the gravel parking spot and onto the road.

"And I'm the one who's a scary driver?" I smugly retorted.

Most of the ride was silent. My body came down from its Embry sugar high. Jake slowed down his driving to a tolerable pace. All was great in the world again as it was going to be just me and Jake alone for the first time since I'd…

"Jake," clearing my throat seemed to halt the nerves constricting it.

"Hmm," he lifted his eyebrows as his eyes stared down the dark, windy road.

"Um… I… can…" I shifted in my seat.

"What, Bells?" Jacob spoke with a softness and a sincerity that I rarely heard.

"Have you ever…"

"Ever what?" he glanced toward me quickly in question and then back to the road.

"Considered," I mumbled quietly, hoping that he didn't hear me.

"Considered?" Jacob switched hands on the steering wheel. His right hand rested on the back of my head rest as he stretched his broad shoulders out.

I couldn't think about saying the rest. It wouldn't leave me. No matter how hard I tried to get it to come out, I couldn't. So, I avoided the awkward glance he sent me out of the corner of his eye. I ignored the sharp silence in the air. And I paid no attention to the vibrating my body was doing as my nerves jittered until we reached his house.

"Billy going to Sue's tonight?" I asked trying to get rid of some of the tension.

Jake unlocked the front door and waved me on in with a shake of his head. "No, but he's going over there for a few. He'll be back later."

Jacob didn't seem affected by my question, making the night easy and care free. For a few hours, the feelings I had for him nestled in the back of me. They hid deep in my heart, away from my brain, and the connecting nerves to my mouth. I wouldn't chance another nervous outburst like I had in the car on the way here. So, I was happy when the movie went perfect. I was elated when the second movie began and Jake motioned me over to him.

This is what we did. We snuggled and watched movies. We laughed and we commented on things that didn't pertain to anything but some random little detail of the movie.

"Oh my god! Go back, go back!" I screamed, motioning with my hand.

Jacob laughed and hit the back button on the remote. "What?"

"You can totally see her boob!" I chuckled.

"Really? Where?" Jake hit the back button again to make it rewind faster.

"Right there! Right there!"

He paused it quickly just as the girl in the background's boob popped out of the top of her far too tight shirt!

"Shit you can! Good eye, Bells," Jacob proudly laughed.

"Told you," I exclaimed excitedly with a dry mouth. "I'm thirsty. You want something?"

"Coke's fine. There isn't any in the fridge. Check next to it."

In the kitchen, I found the warm Cokes that we always drank next to the refrigerator. As I turned to go, I noticed the clock on the microwave. Just as the time registered in my brain so did the rain drops on the window. It was raining and one A.M.

"Jake, I have go." I sadly sighed. "Dad's going to kill me. I'm late."

"S'ok. I talked to him earlier today. He knew you'd be out late tonight. You can stay if you want. I'm sure he knows where you're at." Jacob took the offered can of Coke from my hand and opened it. He gulped down a few sips and sat the near empty can on the table.

"No, I should go," I whispered, afraid of what a full night alone with him might entail. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold out all night without mentioning what I'd said in the car. I also knew that if I stayed longer, the feelings I had for him would get deeper. Those developing deeper feelings would shove Embry to the side and not allow for a bit of happiness in my future.

"Aw, Bells, c'mon. Stay," he stuck his bottom lip out and looked up through thick lashes. His normally dark onyx eyes were a lighter shade of brown and pleaded with me like a sad puppy.

I rolled my eyes which meant I couldn't stand the look. I couldn't possibly survive the sad puppy look he gave me. I never did.

"You still keep that sleep over bag in the car?" He motioned with his finger as he looked toward the open door. A soft breeze blew through the screen door bringing with it the soft, lingering scent of an end of summer rain. I nodded curtly.

"Well you're gonna need it," he darted off the couch and had me over his shoulder in the blink of an eye.

"Jake! Jake, no. What are you?" Jacob opened the screen door and hopped the two steps into the pouring rain. "You suck, Jacob Black," I squealed, desperately trying to get out of his hold. I had my mind set on getting back into the house and locking the door – if only I ran faster than he did.

It was times like this that it sucked to have an over grown, fast, talented football player as a best friend. Because no matter what I did after he sat me on my feet, he was there blocking me or grabbing me.

The rain came down in sheets drenching us from head to toe with cold rain drops. The drops stuck to Jake's hair, his face, and his clean, white t-shirt. I smiled evilly.

"You know what, Jake?" I bent over and dug my fingernails into the dirt.

"Bells, you… you better. Put it down. Put it down," he pointed at the mud in my hand and to the ground in hopes that it would magically move my arm in the same motion, causing me to drop the handful of brown mud.

"No," I mumbled. "Why should I?"

I took two steps forward.

"Because… you're my best friend?"

"Not good enough," I chuckled and took another step.

Jacob backed up a step.

"Because, you love me," he quirked and held up his hands.

The small sentence stopped me in my tracks. My heart stopped. The pumping in my veins ceased. I couldn't feel anything but the cold rain against my skin. I couldn't deny what he'd just said. I didn't know what real love was. I hadn't been "in love" before. Was that what those feelings were? Was I "in love" with Jake?

I knew he didn't mean it in that way, but still, I felt stranded inside of my own heart not knowing whether or not the feelings I had for him were real. I couldn't describe them. I couldn't explain them to the average Joe. All I knew was that I had something for him. I had feelings for him. I had… heart when it came to Jake.

His expression changed quickly when my hand dropped and the mud slid out of my fingers. Jacob's eyes drifted from my muddy hand to my soaked shirt, to the stringy strands of my hair, and finally to my face which by now had to be stained with a deep pink blush. The onyx in his eyes strained with the brown of mine wanting to know if what he had said was true. I couldn't lie to him. I couldn't avoid him, but I most certainly didn't have to answer him.

So, I pretended like it was all a plan – like I knew this was going to happen. I sauntered toward him with a quirk in my step and a sway in my hips. As I approached him, a smile played across my face and reflected a fear in his eyes. I wasn't sure what that fear was, but all I knew was that his stark white t-shirt was about to become a new fashion trend. With my hand covered in thick mud, I brought it up and slapped him in the chest as hard as I could, then slid it down the front of his shirt and around the side.

"Ah, Bells!" He grumbled as I stepped away and headed toward the porch. "You play unfair."

I wanted to say that what was unfair was the fact that I was never a consideration to him and I knew I never would be, but I couldn't. So, instead, I found my way into the house and to his bedroom where I knew there were fresh, dry, warm clothes.

Undressing in his room was nothing new to me. I'd done it plenty of times, but this time, there was an oddness in the air. I suppose it could have something to do with the feelings I had for him or the want I felt growing in my body for him. Either way, it was difficult to not find my eyes wondering over his almost too small bed and wondering what it would be like to lie there with him in a way that only lovers did. I wondered what it would feel like to have his warm russet hands softly caressing my skin. I closed my eyes and brought the t-shirt I'd found up to my nose, inhaling his thick masculine scent.

"Bells," Jake's voice tore open my eyes.

"Yeah," I spoke over my shoulder.

"Just so you know…" I heard him take a few steps into the bedroom, but I was unsure of where he was. "I have."

"You have what?" My heart thumped deep in my chest. My body began to shake.

"Taken…" a shuffling muffled his voice. All I caught was the end of his sentence. "Consideration." His breath blew across my neck softly causing the tiny hairs to stand on end. "You're shaking." Jacob whispered softly. I could feel his cheek pressed against my hair.

I nodded and swallowed the ball of nerves in my throat.

"Why?" The warmth of his breath blew through the wet strands of my hair causing them to become colder.

I shrugged my shoulders not so much to answer him, but to answer myself. Was this really happening? Was he this close to me? I closed my eyes and concentrated. Heat radiated on my back, warming the skin there. The softness of his cheek brushed against my hair as his lips grazed across the top of my ear.

"Jake," I whimpered breathlessly.

"Yeah?" His calloused hands hovered barely a millimeter above the exposed skin of my hips.

"I… I…" my lips shook causing me to stutter as I tried hopelessly to explain to him what my secret was, and why I'd been so moody.

"I know," his voice was low, strong, and warm.

Jacob slowly began to slide his hovering hands up my hips. They ghosted across my stomach and around my sides. Tilting his head to rest on mine, he blew a mouthful of warm air and watched the goose bumps rise from my skin, putting my body on edge.

Something inside of me was exploding. I could feel everything doubling, then tripling, then quadrupling. It was a feeling I'd never felt before – a feeling I wasn't accustomed to, but something I knew that would only belong to Jacob. It wouldn't matter who else I fell in love with. It wouldn't matter who else came into my life – this feeling alone was for Jacob. It always would be that way.

Jacob's hands lingered against the skin of my abdomen. They drifted upward – ghosting across my ribcage and then curling around my breasts. And my body caved into him. My head fell back onto his chest. The contact of his skin on my skin covered the goose bumps I already had with goose bumps.

"I…Jake…" I had so much to say, but my hormones were distracting me. I should have known that this could have happened tonight. I should have felt the electricity in the air. I should have realized that after the closeness I'd had with Embry that my body would need some type of attention.

But what I didn't know was that this was going to happen with Jacob. I couldn't believe it. I needed to believe it. I needed this to be real. I needed to be considered. I needed to know that he knew. I didn't need a reaction. I didn't need him to drop everything and be with me. I just needed to know that as of right now I had been a consideration. I had been considered in the never ending circle that was Jake and Bells.

His palms grazed against the lace material of my bra as his lips pressed onto the top of my shoulder causing my breath to leave me in a loud and unexpected gasp.

"You're so beautiful, Bells," Jacob whispered into my shoulder.

I felt like I was going to jump out of my own skin and into his. I wanted to be wrapped up in the warmth of my best friend. I wanted to feel every part of him. I wanted…to be considered.

Jake dropped his hands from my breasts, down the length of my arm to my palm, where he laced our fingers together. His hand lifted my hand, bringing my arm out to my side, where his mouth began to blow the same warm air that had started it all. My eyes drifted shut again as I relished in the feel of his mouth warming me.

Chill bumps were left in his trail as he ventured down the back of my arm and up the front of it. He stopped at the tips of my fingers and left a tender ghost-like kiss there. As his mouth blew the warm air up my arm, his hand followed suit barely touching my rippling skin. He didn't stop when he reached my shoulder. His hands didn't move after they reached my neck, and his lips didn't falter until they were hovering gently above mine.

I opened my eyes for a moment to find his soft, beautiful, russet face nearing mine with closed eyes and a lustful red blush in his cheeks.

"Jake? Bella?" Billy's voice echoed through the house as the screen door slammed shut and a set of keys could be heard hitting the kitchen table.

Jacob's eyes popped open with a darkness I'd never seen before. Seconds later, the darkness in his eyes lifted as he glanced over our compromising position and lack of clothes. Jacob took in a deep breath and held it for a moment. With an exhale, his face became regretful and apologetic.

"Sorry," he whispered. "I.. I… wasn't thinking. I shouldn't have…"

I wanted to crawl into a black hole. I wanted to live under a rock. I wanted to forget this perfect night ever happened. My heart began to stutter its beating. Tears stung in the corners of my eyes.

This was what I wanted right? I wanted to know that I was considered. I had to know that I was a consideration to him, and I knew. I had been. Past tense. Had been, but now his heart belonged to Jessica and I was thrown to the side as his purely platonic, completely hormonal teenage best friend.

I nodded my head and swallowed back the tears I so desperately wanted to cry. "I'm going to… I.."

"Stay the night, Bells." Jacob grabbed a shirt and pulled it over his head quickly. "Sleep in here. I'll get the couch."

"Jake, I can't," I whimpered, trying desperately to hold back those tears that threatened to leave my eyes.

"You can. You will," Jacob reached up and kissed my forehead. "We'll talk. Saturday."

"Saturday," I nodded covering myself with his t-shirt.

* * *

_*Information on 'The Raven' and 'The Shape Changers' found here: http:/www(.)eldrbarry(.)net/rabb/rvn/raven(.)htm_

Thanks for reading! Please, let me know what you thank! And again, thanks to everyone who voted for DI in the JacobBlack-N-Pack Summer awards! I appreciate it. We'll find out who the winners are on September 23. (http:/jacobblack-n-pack(.)blogspot(.)com_  
_


	7. Dream

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._**  
**

**Warning: This chapter may include adult themes, concepts, language, and strong sexual content.**

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715\

**Suggested Listening: **Lykke Li – Possibility (Beginning of Chapter); Neon Trees – Animal; Hey Monday – Hangover; The Script Before The Worst

**Want DI teasers? graphics? music? hints? Come visit me on JBNP!**

http:/jacobblack-n-pack(.)ning(.)com/group/divineintervention

_If you would like to join JBNP, then please PM with your birth year!_

_

* * *

_

Moments after my head hit the pillow, I fell into a restless sleep. It was the kind of sleep where your body stays rigid and hot. There was nothing to cool me off except the small fan sitting in the window sill. The fan didn't do much but blow around the warm, stagnant air of Jacob's bedroom. But, nonetheless, I'd fallen asleep wrapped snugly in his clean, white sheets. His scent covered them, which was a large reason why I'd fallen asleep. His musk was comforting even when I needed comforting from him.

The tears I'd felt pulling at the corners of my eyes never fell. I restrained them by biting and chewing on the corner of my mouth. It'd be sore in the morning, but I wouldn't mind. I hadn't fallen apart for no apparent reason in front of Jake, so that's all that really mattered, to me anyway.

As my body slipped deeper into its slumber, I felt myself drifting away to another dimension, another era, another corner of my mind. There was a darkness behind my eyelids – a darkness that seemed too dark. It held onto me with ropes and chains. I was trapped inside myself. I struggled against the ropes holding my arms tightly against my body. The chains wrapped around my wrists were connected to the chains wrapped around my feet by one long, thick rusted piece of metal.

No matter how hard I tugged, no matter how I twisted my body, I was not going to be released from my binding. My heart was racing as sweat and tears poured down my face. It was burning up, but I wasn't going to give in. I kept tugging, pulling, twisting, and bending to try to free myself from the restraints holding me. Just as my body was tiring and weakening, I was pulled free from the ropes and chains by a bright, white light. A whirling wind swirled in the light, pulling me closer and closer. My hair whipped and tugged from the roots in the direction of the whirlwind. I was being pulled in. It didn't matter if I wanted to go. I would go against my will.

I was wobbly and weak as the light continued to pull my body toward its destination. I didn't know where I was going or where I might end up, but I wanted to see. I wanted to get away.

The bright light seemed to get brighter before it exploded all around me in a blinding sheer, pure whiteness. I squinted my eyes to shield it from my already burning pupils. It didn't help. I could still feel the burning through closed eyelids.

"Bella," I felt a wobble in my shoulder. The voice was distant, but it had that familiar resonance to it. No matter how hard I tried to think, I couldn't place the person behind the soft voice.

"Hmm?" I hummed with tightly closed eyes, savoring the lack of burn behind my lids. A softness below me and a cool breeze blowing across me held me captive. I pressed my palms down on the soft padding I was laying on and dug my nails in. It was awfully soft, and it conformed to my body in ways I never knew were possible. I was so contented that I could stay in this place forever.

I didn't want to open my eyes, because when I opened them, everything that I wanted to try to forget about this perfect evening would appear as a ball of nerves somewhere deep inside of me.

When I began to think of the evening's events, my mind cleared as if a greater power had flipped the 'over thinking' switch in my brain to 'off'. I suppose it would help if I could just relax and let myself feel freedom. But, a different feeling lingered inside of me. It was one that I hadn't been privy to often in the past. It had been so long since I'd felt what true happiness was. Yet, at this moment, in this beautifully peaceful dream, I could feel it spreading through my bones. I smirked.

The rigidness of my body was gone. My muscles were released and free from tension or worry. I could feel the softness engulf me. Surrendering myself to this wonderful, pleasant dream, I stretched every single muscle in my body slowly, starting with my toes, then my feet, legs, hips, torso, neck. And when it was time for my arms to stretch, I decided to wiggle my fingers like I had my toes, then I twisted my wrists in circular motions, followed by the bending of my elbows and the shrugging of my shoulders. As I was about to rest my arms back down, my hands drifted slowly over a roundness protruding from my stomach.

But, before I could open my eyes to see what the roundness was, the atmosphere shifted, as well as the bed I was restlessly sleeping in. The cold air of my dream gave way to the warm air of Jake's room, and the softness converted to a coil spring mattress. Jake's mattress popped and cracked as the right side of the bed shifted under the weight of someone.

My mind was blurry with sleep and the remnants of my dream, but I was sure I could hear the light breathing of my best friend. His scent was thicker now. I could feel a heat source at the right side of the bed, where it had popped and cracked under pressure.

Jake's breath blew across my cheek. It cooled the dampness of my sweaty skin.

"Bells." Jacob tenderly whispered into my ear like he used to do when we were little. This time, though, his voice was shaky and erratic with a hint of something I couldn't put my finger on.

"Yeah?" With closed eyes, I whispered back, knowing that Billy was at the other end of the house sleeping.

"Open your eyes?" He asked. The nervousness in his voice was gone. The only remnants were the shaking fingertips that I saw when I opened my eyes. His palm floated above my cheek. His hand cupped in the shape of my face. I pulled my eyes from his shaking fingertips to his face to find that he was much closer than I'd expected him to be.

"What are you doing," I whispered hesitantly, but he didn't answer me. Instead, Jake looked up at me with dark, lustful eyes. The eyes I'd found hard to look into earlier seemed to pull something out of me and hold onto it.

In one swift motion, my whole world slowed down when his hand met gently with the side of my face and his lips crashed onto mine. Without hesitation, Jacob fervently kissed me. He moved expertly against my lips as if he knew exactly what I wanted, as if he was inside of my brain reading my every thought.

Without direction, without instruction, my body curved into his as we both lay on our sides facing each other. The hard ridges of his shirtless chest rubbed lightly against my sheet covered body harmoniously. One of his arms pushed under the small space between my neck and the pillow and bent at the elbow. His palm hit the center of my back and pulled me tightly against his chest.

I was responding to his advances in ways I never thought I would. When his kiss weakened or he began to pull back, I pushed forward; I took over the reins. Our hands roamed the exposed skin of the other. Fingers dug into and grabbed hand fulls of hair. Breathless moans and the sounds of rustling fabric filled the heated room with a passion that only lovers felt.

A heat exuded my body. Even the air meeting my lungs burned as it escaped me in an exasperated exhale when Jacob's lips sucked on the area just below my jaw. It was the first time I'd ever felt his tongue on my skin. It was the first time I'd ever felt his lips. It was the first time I'd ever felt want coming from him and not the other way around. And my body was coming to life in the sweet melody our lips made against the others.

It was erotic and sinful; right and wrong; bitter and sweet. He was everything I wanted, everything I needed, but everything he said, everything he did said otherwise – except for tonight. Tonight, he was kissing me like I wanted him to. He was touching the exposed skin of my arms delicately as if he was afraid I might dissipate into thin air. Jake was appreciating what I was giving him. In return, he gave me what I wanted. And even if it was only for tonight, I would at least understand that he knew..

The hand that had been holding my face and caressing me grabbed a hold of the white sheet separating his body from mine and tugged hastily. With the sheet free in his hand, he tossed it in a mound at the end of the bed and shifted his weight forward, rolling me onto my back. His palm cradled the small of my back as I turned and gave him the dominance he wanted over me.

Jacob's long, black hair was pulled back into a thick pony tail at the base of his neck, but it still fell around his shoulder in a frizzy, knotted mass. Without words, Jake lifted the bottom of my t-shirt to the top of my ribcage. His eyebrows lifted and his pupils dilated when I grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head, revealing much more of myself than he'd ever seen – at least since puberty.

A soft hiss left his lips while his eyes drifted across my skin. Below his staring eyes traveled his hand. Delicately and elegantly, his fingertips traced an imaginary, swirling path from my navel to my ribcage. The roughness of his calloused fingers felt amazing against the skin of my stomach.

My hand reached out and rested at the waist band of his shorts. Firmly, I traced every line, every curve, every ripple of his perfect body. I wouldn't leave an area untouched. I wouldn't hold back – even if I hadn't done this before. Because, what if this was the only time I'd get to? What if I never had another chance to touch him? To appreciate him? I wanted to memorize every bump, curve, and dip of him just like I had memorized everything else about him.

His body was surprisingly soft. Watching him watch me made the passion burn deeper in my body. A flush filled me. Jacob's mouth gaped open slightly as my fingers trailed down the center of his abs and toward that perfect, little line of hair below his navel. Under the light weight of my hand, Jacob arched into my touch. When my hand had returned to the top of his shorts, he bent down and kissed my belly button tenderly. Traveling upward, he left unpredictable kisses and flicks of his tongue in his path. I grabbed handfuls of sheet to keep from clawing my fingers into his perfectly tanned skin.

For a moment - a sheer millisecond - I tilted my head up to see what he was doing and why he had my body feeling like putty, and saw the most intriguingly beautiful portrait on display. Jacob's eyes were closed lightly. His mouth worked murderously to its own beat expertly knowing every inch to kiss or skip over. He'd obviously done this far more than I had.

My head was clear. Over-thinking was far in the back of my brain as the hormones I'd tried to keep at bay overpowered any sensible thoughts I may have had. Just as I thought I couldn't feel any better that what he was doing to me couldn't get any better his hand cupped my right breast and he blew a stream of hot air across the other.

"Oh!" was whimpered from my lips without indecision.

A low, resonating groan came out of Jake. It floated through the air between us, and filled me with a fog that I was sure wouldn't clear for years. His mouth was hot and wet against my breast. When his hand wasn't caressing my breasts, his tongue was. And when he'd decided that the torture he was putting me through was done, he moved to my neck, lashing out on it with the same suction and flicking of his tongue.

I felt like I might combust. No longer was I rigid with worrisome tension. Now, I was filled to the brim with a tension I'd never experienced before. Never had I been this high. Never had my body known the level of ecstasy I was feeling at the very moment he rested himself between my legs. I could feel every inch of him – every last, loving inch – throbbing against my groin. I couldn't believe I made him feel that way. It didn't make sense to me.

My body was handing itself over to him without asking. I started rubbing against him. My hips gently grazed his before they fell back, and rotated their position again. Jacob's perfectly formed chest pressed against my breasts. The softness of his skin against my skin was heaven. He was all over me. His hands were either tangled into my hair or grappling onto a hip, his lips kept in contact with some part of me. The way he touched me was needier than it was before, but I still wasn't satisfied. I needed more.

As if he'd read my mind, he hooked his fingers into the top of my underwear, and pulled them down until they were caught between my butt and the bed. I wasn't sure if I wanted it to go this way, but I couldn't stop myself. Something inside of me was speaking for itself, especially when his eyes looked up to me. There was a longing there - a need - that had to be fulfilled. I would do anything for Jacob. So, I lifted my butt from his bed and was quickly freed of my panties.

Jacob tossed them over his shoulder mindlessly, as he sat back on his knees and took in the view of my well exposed and writhing body. Part of me was scared, but the other side of me felt gratified. No one else had seen me this way. No one else had touched my body the way I was sure he was wanting to. And, for the moment, I was sure that he was the only one who should have seen me first.

I tried to hide the embarrassing blush creeping up my cheeks from my neck, but the longer he stared the hotter the blush became until I was sure that I was redder than red.

"Bells," Jacob's voice was a deeper version of what I was used to. "You are so beautiful." His hand swiped across my stomach. His deep onyx eyes drifted up to mine and stared for what felt like an eternity.

The intensity of his eyes was too much to take. There seemed to be more going on in his head than what was happening in front of me, but I was sure his body had spoken for his brain.

I looked away, down his thick neck, across his broad perfectly trimmed chest, along his chiseled abs, and further until my eyes were glued to the protrusion in his shorts. I swallowed nervously, sure that what would happen soon enough would hurt far beyond any pain I'd felt before. Another side of me though, needed to see the rest of him, so I sat up and dragged my hands down slowly, starting at his neck and ending at the waist band of his shorts. Just as he had, I took the initiative and freed him of the only clothing blocking my perfect view of my perfect best friend.

As his shorts reached his knees, he bent forward, his hand gripping my hip, and his eyes boring a hole directly through mine. He laid our bodies back slowly and enticingly as if there wasn't any such thing as time. For the first time, I could feel him rub against me - skin against skin - between my parted legs.

This time, it was my turn to hiss, and Jacob's turn to mention my name. "Bella." It was airy, deep, and lustful.

When my head hit the pillow, his arm reached above it and opened the drawer on the night stand. I knew what he was getting. I knew what was going to happen, and I was okay with it. This was what I wanted. I wanted him to prove to me that I was a consideration, that I was someone he could see as something besides just a friend. He was doing just that. Maybe, if you looked at it askew like, we weren't doing it in the most noble of ways, but nonetheless, Jake was giving me what I wanted, for a change.

If I watched him do what I knew he was about to do, I would chicken out and over-think it all. So, when he sat back on his knees again, and I heard the foil wrapper rip open, I closed my eyes and breathed. I breathed in everything that was Jacob: the scent of the room, the air floating between us, the heat that seemed to always be radiating from him. I took it all in.

Everything in the room suddenly became magnified – the sounds, the smells, the feeling. The popping of the metal coil springs under both of our weight echoed in my ears. The sound of stretching rubber reverberated from the walls, and the cricket's outside seemed to rub their legs together faster creating that obnoxious squeaking sound they make. The mix of our scents loitered in the air thickly, and the hot air of the fan seemed to become hotter with each passing second.

I was on edge – ready to crawl out of my skin and to somewhere other than here – when I felt the heaviness of Jacob moving forward. But instead of feeling his soft, but hard, body against mine, the strands of his long black hair delicately brushed against my shoulder. Opening my eyes, I found that I was surrounded in a curtain of his hair. Directly above me was the eccentrically beautiful face of my best friend. Jacob's cheeks were stained red and sweat beaded up on his brow while his dark onyx eyes took in the creaminess of my skin and the astonished look on my face.

He was far more beautiful than I'd ever thought.

Slowly, Jacob lowered himself to my level. His body met with mine with an echoing tenderness. A ball of nerves, that I didn't know had formed, exploded in my belly as the reality of the situation I was in came to a screeching halt in my brain. This was about to happen.

His lips quieted the nervousness in my brain. He kissed away the fear building deep inside of me. It was then that I knew I'd always choose Jacob over the fear I had inside of me. Fear held nothing compared to Jake. There was no reason to be scared or fearful when I was around him, with him, or close to him. As long as I had this, the fear of losing him would be in the back of my mind.

The nervousness in my brain kept hushed to a light whisper until I felt the pressure of Jacob's body shift lower until he was nestled comfortably between my legs. The tip of him brushed against me, sending a shiver of fear down my spine. I wasn't scared of what might result from this, because I'd always have a part of him with me. I was scared of the pain I knew I would feel, but the touch of Jacob's palm running down my arm set the fear aside again.

Jacob lifted my arm to his side, kissed my cheek, then my lips, and lifted the other arm around his ribs. I traced the muscles at his ribcage with my fingertips. Delighted in the way he responded to me with an open mouthed gasp, I performed the same motions on the other side. This time his eyes rolled up into his head, a smirk spread across his full lips. Jacob bowed forward and planted a thousand soft, passionate kisses on my lips.

Our tongues tangled together and his hand grabbed a handful of my hair again. As he scooted further toward me, my legs widened, welcoming him. He pressed at my virgin opening. I shrieked back, cringing at the amount of pain I was already feeling – much to Jacob's surprise.

"Bella?" His lips moved and his eyebrows rose in question.

I lowered my head and glanced at his chest then back up to his awaiting eyes with a nod that only seemed to edge him on. Instead of grabbing a hand full of hair, Jacob's hand gently hooked onto my hip and lifted it up and forward. I brought my body up to his, kissing his neck and his chest, wanting this to never end. I could feel him barely inside of me, but I was already addicted to the feeling it was giving me. I needed more. I had to have more.

"Please," I whispered to him between full, passionate, deep kisses. I twirled my tongue along the bottom of his lip and ask again. "I want this."

Jacob groaned into my lips as he took over the control I'd somehow manhandled away from him. "Me too." I faintly heard him whisper. He shifted his weight again, and hiked my leg up higher on his hip.

"Bella," he pulled back – taking with him his sweet, rustic taste.

I pulled away – watching his every move, twitch, and breath.

"Hold on," Jake nodded his head toward his back. He lifted one hand and pushed my arm further around his back. I mirrored the action with my other arm. His attention was on my face. My body tensed up in response to the intrusion it had never felt before. I grabbed onto his back – my hands holding on to the tops of his shoulders.

"Scream into my chest if you need to." The edge in his voice displayed the need he had. With that said, he made one hard thrust forward with his hips.

Burying my face in his chest, I screamed as loud as my muffled face would allow. Jacob's muscles stiffened as the tears started to fall down my face. I felt like I was going to break in two, like my body would never recover from his intrusion, but emotionally, I was high – higher than anything I'd ever experienced before.

"Jake," I shrieked as he pulled from me. He slid back in again. This time it wasn't as painful, but I still felt stretched and taken apart.

"God," he mumbled taking himself nearly all the way out of me, and then pressing forward again. I watched the pleasure across his face – the pleasure I was giving him – and that alone erased most of the pain. To distract myself, I began to sketch the muscles on his back with my fingertips.

Each time he entered me, he did it with a little more force than the previous one. In response, my nails dug deep into the perfect skin I didn't want to tarnish earlier, but it didn't matter now. I was thrashing out in pleasure as the pain had subsided. All I could feel was the fullness when he was buried deep inside of me and the want when he wasn't. I could feel every ripple, curve, and inch of him. He took his time. He was thorough and deliberate in his movements – wanting me to experience just as much pleasure as he was.

Jacob was covered in a sheen of glowing sweat that dripped onto me. His eyes watched me, and I watched his muscles ripple and relax with each thrust he made. My heart was beating out of my chest. My mind was clear and high. I was not me, but I liked who this girl was.

There was a sweetness about what we were doing. Two best friends coming closer to what everyone had always expected them to be. Deep inside of me, I knew that I wanted it to happen too.

"Ah, Jake."

He engulfed my loud moan with his lips. His forehead pressed against mine as his body began to quake in pleasure.

"Come with me, Bells," his voice growled out as his hips began to grind into mine. Some part of him touched the right part of me, because soon I was matching his rhythm trying hard to meet that final ending I'd always wanted to feel, and just as soon as I was at the edge, Jacob pulled out of me and slammed into me, sending me straight over the edge in a dive for my life.

A scream parted my lips only to be swallowed by Jacob's awaiting mouth. He held on tightly as I rolled with him, convulsing around him in a mixture of pleasure and pain. Jake groaned and grappled my hips, steadying them. Quickly, he pulled out and pushed back in – once, twice, and with the third forceful time, my name rolled off of his lips and down my throat with a blissful growl.

I could feel him twitching inside of me, but he was still there – thick and round. It was everything I could imagine it to be, and everything I wanted it to be. As Jacob's muscles finally gave out on him, and he rolled to the side of the bed, I felt the emptiness he left behind, knowing that I may never feel that again. Was I really okay with that?

"I'll be right back," he slid his shorts on and left the room.

The shirt I'd had on earlier rested on the stand Jacob had gotten the condom from. Pulling the shirt over my head, I looked around for my underwear. Finding them on a pile of old notebooks and binders, I put them on and inspected my appearance in the mirror above his dresser.

Did I look differently now that I wasn't a virgin? Would it matter? Was I loud enough to wake Billy? Did Jacob regret it?

"Hey," he closed the door behind him. I turned to find Jacob with an arm full of sheets and a silly smile on his face.

"Hey," I blushed. "What are those for?"

"Uh," Jacob nodded toward the bed and then back to me. There was a redness creeping up his cheeks.

Not sure what he was talking about, I walked toward the bed I'd known for years and noticed the bright red mark in the center of the sheet. Immediately, the burning embarrassment exploded out of me and I was sure that I would die in this spot at that very moment.

"Oh," I squealed and grabbed my still wet jeans from the floor, holding them as a shield in front of me.

I tried avoiding his every look and every stare as he proceeded to remove the bloody, dirty sheets and bundle them up.

"Bells, don't be embarrassed. It happens," he mumbled walking past the anxious, nervous me and to his dresser, where he pulled a pair of sweat pants out. "Here. Wear these, they should fit." His voice was soft, and kind. He was still my Jacob.

He was respectful of my embarrassment and the lack of knowledge I held. I suppose that's what happens when you're raised by a single father, and a mother, who is more concerned with her own trials and tribulations than her daughter's welfare. I cringed.

"Jake, you shouldn't have to do that." Walking over to him, I grabbed the bundled up sheets and raised an eyebrow. "What do you want me to do with them?"

There was an awkward silence as Jake looked around his room trying to find somewhere to put the evidence of our late night, teenage hormone-driven session. After a few moments, Jake shrugged and laughed. "Trash?"

"What? Trash?" I guffawed.

Jacob continued making the bed while I took the sheets and placed them in a garbage bag, tied it, then put that into the garbage can. When I returned, I found him sprawled out on the bed with enough space left next to him for me to fit perfectly. I couldn't stop the smile from breaking across my face while I trotted toward the bed and hopped over him into the little cove that was my place of solace.

"Let me guess… you double bagged?" Jacob's voice was raspy and dry as he breathily laughed through his nose.

"Shut up," I pressed my face into his side, trying to hide the embarrassment that was still fighting to be set free.

"You're so predictable, Bells," Jacob rolled onto his side taking with him the only peaceful place I could hide. His hair splayed across his cheeks and shoulders.

"You are," I quirked my eyebrow at him and laughed. "So not."

"No?" I shook my head at his question. "How so?"

"That." Jake knew what I was referring to. He glanced down with a playful smirk on his face. "I would have never guessed…"

"You never thought about it," he interrupted.

"What? Yeah, I mean…who hasn't?"

"Yeah, guess I am pretty hot," Jacob slurred his words like he had a speech impediment. Why he did that I wasn't sure, but it was another example of his unpredictability.

"Do you have practice tomorrow?"

"Yeah. All day. First game is coming up, sooo…" he shrugged his shoulders implying that I knew the schedule of things, which I did, but I was trying to make small talk to cover up for my need to ask him about what had transpired between us.

"What time?" I asked as he rested his palm on my cheek.

Jacob swiftly moved his thumb back and forth. "8 A.M."

"Ouch." I scowled.

He nodded.

"We should get some sleep," I whispered, pressing my nose to his nose.

"Yup."

Moving his head side to side, we mimicked the Eskimo kisses our parent's had taught us when we were little. It was a way we'd shown each other affection without really much physical contact. It was comforting and normal unlike most of this evening. But surprisingly, at the end of our rubbing noses, Jacob planted one, small, soft, gentle kiss on my lips.

"Night Bells."

"Night Jake."

The coil spring mattress wasn't uncomfortable. The warm air blowing through the blades of the small oscillating fan didn't bother me. All that I could feel, all that I could dream about was Jacob. His arms snugly held me against his chest, his side, or his abdomen. There wasn't a moment of that blissful night that I couldn't feel him.

It wasn't like before, when we had only toyed with the idea. A different feeling filled the room. I felt complete, like this was supposed to happen, like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Not that before tonight it didn't feel that way with Jake, it did. However, this feeling deep inside of me – the one that had been telling me all along that it was only hormones talking – had somehow unfolded itself into an origami heart. It may have only been made of paper, but I trusted Jacob with it. It beat for him. It was the part of me that belonged to him – always.

Sleep. It was the one thing I never really could do right. Somehow, dreams invaded what peaceful time I had to myself. Sleep was supposed to ease my mind of the day, but not my sleep. My dreams were powerful, dark, and mostly dreary. I don't ever remember having a peaceful dream, except the end of my dream earlier this evening when Jake had woke me up. That seemed peaceful, elegant, and positive. The atmosphere of the room I was laying in was comforting, just like the room I was in now.

Jacob's snoring was quiet and only occasional. It was so cute. Most nights, his snoring annoyed me, but tonight, it was by far the cutest thing I'd heard in the hours following our first intimate contact.

A lump of something formed in my throat. I swallowed it back.

_Jake and _I…we…had…sex.

My feelings suddenly went from euphoric to disbelief. Had it really happened? Had I been dreaming? Was this all real? Did my best friend really just take my virginity?

In an effort to find out the truth, I pinched my arm and yelped.

_Yeah. I was awake._

But, what if this was some insane dream of Jacob's? What if we were in some governmental experiment that projected us into each others' dreams?

So, I pinched Jacob's stomach.

"Ow! What the fuck, Bella? Did you just pinch me?" Jacob jerked out of his sleep like I had shot a gun into the air.

My face burned. As embarrassing as it all was, I was happy to know that I hadn't been dreaming or projected into someone else's dream by the government.

"Sorry," I whispered, rolling over and facing the wall.

"Why did you pinch me?" The coil springs gave and constricted. Jacob's arm curved around my waist.

"I just…I can't, Jake. Don't make me!" Whining was always my defense with Jacob. He hated it more than I hated Jessica Stanley. Her name left a sour taste in my throat.

"Bells." Jacob's voice lowered into a growl.

"I wanted to make sure I wasn't dreaming." The words flew out of my mouth and off of my tongue as fast as I could get them to go.

"Aren't you supposed to pinch yourself?"

I sighed. "I did. I wanted to make sure I wasn't in your dream."

"How would you get into my dream?" He sounded far too amused for my concern.

Rolling over, I looked up at him and back down toward the fresh, clean sheet I was laying under. "Government experimentation?"

His bellowing laugh echoed in the room. I'm sure Billy heard him on the other side of the house. Much to Jake's amusement, I fell into a pitiful hole that I secretly kept in my back pocket for occasions just like this. I couldn't believe he was laughing at me. He could be a real ass sometimes.

"Stop laughing," I whispered and covered my face with the sheet.

Jacob chuckled softly, but I could still feel the vibrations of his inner laugh bouncing off of the walls. The sound of his laugh, the child-like nature of it, made my body tingle and my own laugh bubble to form in my stomach. A smirk played across my lips. I tried my best to keep the laugh inside of me.

"I'm not laughing," his lips tightened into a straight line, but then burst into that million dollar, perfect smile of his.

"Jake," I whined with a laugh.

"Ah! You're laughing too!" He wrapped an arm around my midsection and squeezed. His chin rested neatly on the crease of my elbow.

"I didn't say I couldn't laugh!"

"Not fair!" His thick bottom lip jutted out into a glorious pout that always won me over.

With a roll of my eyes, I shook my head and tried to control the laugh bubble rolling around inside of my stomach. Inattentively, my fingers found their way to his hair, digging in and massaging his scalp. Jake groaned.

After a few quiet moments, Jacob looked up at me through heavy, sleep filled lids. "Seriously, that's why you pinched me?"

I nodded my head, unwilling to give him a proper explanation.

Sitting up, he cleared his throat. "Bells, you weren't dreaming. I wasn't dreaming. It happened."

I tried to read into his tone, but he didn't really have one. He talked as if he were reading from a text book, as if he had practiced this speech before.

"Does it change things between us?" The hope in my voice was more than evident to the both of us.

Scrunching his forehead and darting his eyes toward the side of the bed, he shook his head 'no'.

Sitting up onto my elbows, I tilted my head to where I could see his eyes, so that maybe I could inspect them for a hidden truth. But I found nothing. There wasn't a hope. There wasn't a maybe. There was nothing – just a blackness that I could feel pouring into me.

"Okay," left my lips like it had been my last word of this life. I was so hopeful, so ecstatic that something, anything substantial would change between us because of what had transpired, but I was wrong. "Jessica?" Her name left my lips before I could even think to stop it. A growl gurgled in my chest.

"I don't know." Jacob turned his back toward the head of the bed and propped his arms on his knees. In conjunction with his moving, I slid up the back wall and faced the edge of the bed. "Embry?"

The mention of that name sent a guilt trip through my mind. Was I supposed to tell him? Should I chance everything that was actually working out in my life, because I had one hormonal night with my best friend?

"I don't know." The same answer he'd given me, I gave back to him, because I honestly didn't know what would happen or if I would even chance it. "Are you going to say anything?"

"Probably not. No. Definitely not." He shook his head in disbelief that I would even ask such a question. "Are you?"

"I'm not if you're not."

I wasn't trying to manipulate the situation. I was trying to keep this as simple as I could – even if a part of me was crying inside.

The nodding Jacob kept doing as he studied the calluses on his hands began to annoy me. I knew that nod. I knew he was contemplating something. I wasn't sure what it was he was mulling over, but I did know that he wouldn't tell me no matter what I did to drag it out of him.

A part of me wondered if this was how it was going to be between us now. I didn't want things to change, but there really wasn't any way around it. Our relationship would change, and I wasn't too sure it was for the better side. Panic set in, and I spoke before my brain caught up.

"God, Jake, I don't want things to change. I don't want it to be weird. I don't want to feel awkward around you!" I buried my head in my hands and squeezed my eyelids tightly shut. Tears were stinging in the corners of my eyes.

"Me either."

"Then what do we do?" My voice quivered pathetically.

"Act like it never happened?" He asked. I looked up at him to see the pain on his face and the redness of his cheeks. "I don't know, Bells. All I know is that I can't…" He took a deep breath. "I can't let what I have with Jessica go. And, you have Embry right? He's a good guy. I know I've been an ass about it, but I've been…Bells, I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you. But Em's been there when I haven't and you're still the same Bells I've known over the years. I don't know what's going to happen or where I'm going to end up. All I know is that you're my best friend…"

Jacob stopped talking and looked at me with giant tears rimming his cloudy, onyx eyes. "I never want to lose that. Not over a girl. Not over a guy. Not over sex."

I wanted to believe him. I wanted to not shatter into a million little pieces in his bed, but the moment his tears dripped from his eyes, I couldn't stop my own tears from trailing down my face.

"I love you, Bells," he whispered – his eyes still intently staring into mine. "Best friend wise."

The shattering I tried to keep from happening, happened. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. And the side of me that had hoped something would occur between us was crushed down into the pit of me.

"I love you too."

The words never rang truer. Quietly and without restraint, the origami heart in my chest folded back up into a small, unnoticeable piece of crumpled paper with a tattoo of Jacob's name etched into it.

Friday morning came much sooner than it should have. It felt like I'd just lain down next to Jacob, snuggled close into his ribcage, when the alarm clock buzzed. Jake growled, low and feral. He covered himself into the contour of my body. His face buried into my neck; his legs hooked into my legs; his arms wrapped intently around me so tightly that I could barely get a lung full of air.

The softness of his lips touched the skin of my neck over and over again. All the while, Jacob held me tightly against him – almost like he was afraid he'd never see me again. I sighed, reveling in the warmth of the morning light shining through the window above our heads. I could wake up like this forever and never complain. Jacob kissed the side of my ear and in a hushed whisper made my morning, day, week, month, and maybe even year.

"Hey beautiful."

"Hey," I responded with closed eyes and a deep hope that time would stop – even if it were only for a few moments.

Whatever line we had crossed last night seemed to still be blurry to both of us, but I blamed it on morning eyes. Jake and I were wrapped up in each other kissing, groping, touching, feeling within seconds of seeing each other. His lips devoured mine hungrily, and I gave into him effortlessly. My body didn't ask me so much as it told me what it wanted, and before I knew it my shirt was off. Jake was resting against me, thick and hard, waiting for me to give him the okay. So, I did.

This time wasn't like last night. We were in a hurry. Billy would be up any time, and Jacob had practice in an hour. First and foremost on our minds was making sure we weren't caught. If we were, then we'd definitely be detached from each others' hips. It didn't matter that our detachment was already naturally happening.

Trying not to get caught was proving harder than what I figured it would be. The second time having sex wasn't anything like the first. I was more comfortable, free, but still a little held back with lack of experience. However, Jake took care of most of that, instructing me on what he wanted or liked. I wasn't sure how many partners Jacob had. It was obvious that he'd done this enough to know exactly what would make me want to scream – even if I had only had sex once before and that being last night.

I was biting the back of my hand, chewing on my tongue, and swallowing screams that had already roared into my mouth. My reactions only urged Jacob to go deeper, harder, and faster. It was like he fit perfectly inside of me, like he was made for me.

"Jjjakkee." My teeth were chattering in pleasure.

"Shh," he grabbed both of my hips and yanked them upward skewering me with himself. "Fuck."

It still hurt, but I knew what to expect. I knew when to relax myself and when I could hold on.

"God damn," Jacob grumbled rotating his hips as a drop of sweat rolled from his jaw, down his neck, between his pecks, over the rolling hills of his abs, and disappearing into the trail of hair below his belly button.

Something about watching his sweat roll down his body and disappear, virtually, on mine caused my body to roll and stutter in pleasure bringing me the most glorious orgasm I'd ever experienced. I thought I'd been high on Jacob last night, but I was wrong.

Through pleasure-filled eyes and with a body that was still constricting in ecstasy, I witnessed Jacob at his most beautiful when he came to a screeching halt. His muscles contracted and stiffened. His face eased as if the stress of his life had been sucked clean from him. His hair stuck to his chest, his back, his shoulders, and his neck. All the while, his breathing was deep, low, and quick.

Jacob collapsed on top of me with a thud. His lips found mine like they were his home as we both came down from our second high within twenty-four hours.

"Mmm." Jacob's soft, supple lips left mine for a moment to speak. "Now that's a wake-up call." They returned to mine, leaving loud smacking noises as our lips smashed and smooshed together.

The alarm buzzed again, but it didn't defer Jacob. His lips were still connected with mine as he reached up and smacked the alarm again. "I gotta go."

My lips felt cold without his. "Okay." I shrugged off that thought. The thought that said my lips wouldn't ever feel the same against someone else's.

Jacob reached over our heads and grabbed the condom wrapper from the table. With it in his hand, he sought out my lips again. As he pulled out of me and rolled onto his back, his hands dove under the sheet. I turned my attention away – not sure that I wanted to watch, but curious since I knew what he was doing.

While he showered, I dressed and distanced myself from my feelings. Knowing that seclusion was coming to me this evening helped. No matter what he'd said last night, I knew this was going to change something between us. That much was evident from this morning.

A part of me knew that I would fall apart once I was home alone in the confines of my bedroom. But, I also knew that if I kept my mind closed off, then it wouldn't tell me the truth. So, if I stayed busy with whatever would keep my mind occupied, then I could possibly avoid the aftermath.

With that the center of my attention, I found my way into the kitchen and dug out two bowls, a box of cereal, and some milk. I concentrated so hard on eating that I was sure I counted every piece of cereal and how many times I chewed each piece. The crunching echoed in my ears, but I could still hear the screaming in my head.

Once Jake was out of the shower, he made his way into the living room, winking at me on his way just like he always did, and disheveled the blanket and pillow on the couch. I rolled my eyes.

"What'd you do that for?" I asked as he approached.

Grabbing the box of cereal, Jacob poured a bowl, and as he began to pour the milk, he sat down with a shrug of his shoulder. "Just thought it might look a little weird if I was supposed to sleep on the couch and it looked immaculate."

"But, Billy knows we sleep together." After the words left my mouth, I desperately tried to catch them in mid air, but found that it was a losing battle. They'd already reached Jacob's ears and his face looked similar to what I imagined mine looked like – like we both just bit into a fresh-off-the-tree lemon.

"I mean…" I shrieked and crammed the last spoonful of cereal into my mouth.

Jacob merely laughed and shoved what looked like twelve spoonfuls into his.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," he finished his breakfast in silence, while I fumed over my careless mouth.

"Stop worrying about it," Jake stood up slurping down the rest of his milk and tossed the bowl in the sink. He pulled his hair back at the base of his neck and wrapped a hair band around it.

I didn't say much of anything to Billy when he came rolling through in his wheel chair just a few moments after my stupid comment. I was too embarrassed that my words would be transparent or that maybe I may have been a little louder than need be. If it ever happened again, we'd definitely have to make sure no one else was around.

That's when I choked on nothing at all and my eyes nearly bugged out of my head. I doubled over trying to catch my breath. Jacob patted my back with a chuckle. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I tried to breathe. "Just…Are you ready?"

_Busy mind. No stupid thoughts._

"Yeah. Let's go. See ya, Dad." Jacob waved at Billy as did I, and we headed out to our cars.

"So," I kicked a rock with the tip of my shoe when we reached my little, rusted car in the driveway.

"So." Jake looked just as uncomfortable as me. It was oddly comforting.

"I guess…" _Should I mention Saturday?_ "I'll see you Saturday, right?" There was a disbelief in my voice, like I was worried that he wouldn't show – after everything that had happened.

"Bells." Jake squeezed his eyes shut. A painful, distant look appeared on his face.

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I gripped the roof of the car with both hands as a sweaty panic began to set in. What little muscles I had were so tight that they could snap at any moment. I knew this was going to change things. I knew it. I was stupid. I made a stupid, careless decision and it was all going to crash on top of me now.

"Relax." Jacob's voice was in a slow, shallow whisper. His arms wrapped around my mid-section like they had so many times in the past twenty-four hours. "I'll be there with bells on."

A sense of relief floated through me, but the disbelief still lingered behind the curtains of my heart. His lips met with my cheek. He was making it so difficult.

"Jake," I sighed, turning in his arms. "We. Can't. Tomorrow."

My words were sparse, but he knew the meaning behind them.

"I know. We won't. It can't. Not," his words trailed off. I saw them in his eyes still fluttering out of his brain, but not reaching his mouth or my ears. He couldn't say them, and I understood. There was plenty that I couldn't say right now.

"You better go." Interrupting his endless thoughts was my way of dodging the situation. I knew I'd regret it later, but I hadn't been making too many wise decisions in the past twenty-four hours.

"See you tomorrow. I'll be on my best behavior." He cheeked a beautiful, intriguing smile and opened the car door. His body mirrored mine as I bent and slid into the driver's seat. The look on his face was of skepticism, like he couldn't believe what he was doing. Jacob grabbed the seatbelt and wrapped it around me. Snapping it into place with a loud 'snap', Jake bent in and brushed his lips faintly against my own. I closed my eyes taking in the sounds, the smells, the feeling of his soft, plump lips resting on mine -even if it only lasted for a mere second or two.

His brows were taught as he left me sitting in the car full of feelings I couldn't begin to understand. Fear slithered into his eyes and his face paled.

What was going on in that brain of his?

I wished that I knew. I wished that he hadn't built a barrier between the two of us in the weeks after I'd come back. I wished that things wouldn't change. But, wishing was like driving down a dead end road expecting to get to your destination.

"Bye." I squeaked out, pulling my door closed.

"Later." There was a distance in his voice that froze my heart in mid-beat.

On the drive home, I allowed myself to fall apart, to over analyze every detail we shared last night and this morning. I let the tears drip out of my eyes for reasons that were greater than me and my tiny world. I let the anger build-up inside of me until my face was burning red and my teeth hurt from grinding together. And finally, I let my heart feel what I knew I'd always felt for Jacob.

Knowing that you loved someone with every fiber of your being was like driving an eighteen wheeler ninety miles per hour down a winding country road. It would end catastrophically. Loving someone shouldn't be your world. It should be a part of you, but not all of you. I wanted, more than anything, to feel like I was in control of my speeding heart, but I wasn't the driver. The driver of my heart was more out of control than me. Unknowingly, he held my heart above my head. He taunted me with it. And the sadistic side of myself enjoyed the taunting, enjoyed the pain. The other side of me wanted nothing more than for him to hand me back whatever he'd taken from me long ago, before I had a say in what was going on.

The bad part of it all? I didn't want anyone else in his position.

By the time I pulled into my driveway, my eyes were red and puffy. My cheeks were splotchy and discolored. I looked like I'd just gotten off of a five day bender. If only that were the truth, then I wouldn't feel as dirty as I did.

My head hit the steering wheel while my fingers gripped it tightly. Embry would hate me for this. He wouldn't understand. He wouldn't try to understand. I was sure that he'd give up the fight, and back-off, when that was the last thing I wanted him to do. Because, somewhere in the back of my mind, I still knew what ever was happening with Jacob wouldn't amount to anything.

When did my life become so much like a dream?

I took a deep breath and bounced my head on my hands. This wasn't fair. It was all my fault. If only I had stayed in Phoenix longer, if only I had not gone to Phoenix this year, then things would be different. Then I wouldn't have realized that my best friend was more than just a friend, and that the feelings I had for him were more than any seventeen year old could understand.

I'd heard rumors about love, about falling in love with someone at a young age, and having your heart shredded by your lover's hand. Was it because we were too young to understand what was actually happening? Did we not have the tools to make a relationship work? Or did it have something to do with the raging hormones that over powered any sense of reality? I wished I knew. I wanted to understand.

Blaming myself and my teenage hormones was easier to understand. So, that's what I did. I blamed all of it, every last little drip of it on the fact that my best friend was insanely attractive, and the fact that we'd experienced everything else together. It was only natural that we wanted to explore _that_ side of each other. It was only natural.

The raging hatred forming in my head for myself eased back with those almost true thoughts. I'd shove everything else to the side for as long as I could. I did not want to lose my best friend. Not over girls, guys, sex, or money. Nothing would interfere with mine and Jake's friendship. Nothing.

With determination floating through my veins like heroin, I hopped out of my old, beat-up car and barged into the house. Taking the stairs two at a time to my room, I let the hateful, self loathing thoughts dissolve and let the determination begin to boil in my blood.

"Bella." Dad's disconcerted voice poured out of the bathroom and into the hallway.

"Yes?" I cowered to his tone, knowing that I should have at least called last night.

"Last night." His jaw was covered in shaving cream. He stared at himself in the mirror and strategically pulled the razor in his hand down the side of his face. Dad's eyes circled in on my reflection in the mirror. I leaned against the door frame.

"I should have called. I'm sorry."

Dad nodded and slid the head of the razor under the steaming stream of water coming from the faucet. "Why didn't you?" He took another stroke just below his first one.

"Jake said he'd talked to you, said you'd know where I was. I figured-"

He cut me off quickly. "Bells, no matter what Jake says, you should always call." The razor in his hand dropped, and he turned to me. "I may have known where you were, but I was still worried. I'd like to hear it from my daughter's mouth, not from Jacob – even if he is like a son to me."

"I know, Dad. It won't happen again. I'm sorry." My apology was genuine. I knew I should have called just so the detective side of my dad's brain was at least at peace.

"Better not." He smirked and then went back to shaving as I headed into my room to cuddle under the warm blanket and seclude myself until tomorrow.

A few moments after I'd crawled under the warming comfort of my blanket, and tucked my hand under my pillow, my eyelids shut. I was exhausted. Not too long after I'd fallen asleep, Dad knocked on the open door and lifted his gun belt up as if he'd been wearing it all day. I quirked my eyebrows at him and closed my eyes again. I didn't remember him wearing his uniform when he was shaving in the bathroom just a few minutes ago.

"I got the stuff for dinner tomorrow. It's on the counter. Thanks again for cooking for Marybelle and me." He turned to go when I sat up in the bed like something had come under the covers and bit me.

"Marybelle?" I asked in a panicked state.

Dad scrunched his forehead. "Yeah. Marybelle." My eyes scanned the darkness of my room. It was dark? Why was it dark so early in the morning?

"Crap!" I squealed and palmed my face when I finally realized that it was much later than I'd thought. "What am I gonna do now?"

"What do you mean 'what are you gonna do'?" Dad took two concerned steps into my bedroom, uncharted territory for him, and stopped.

"I…Embry, Jake," I groaned with a roll of my eyes before her name leaked out of my lips. "Maybe Jessica. Marybelle and You! I promised all of you guys that we would have dinner tomorrow. And now it's late! And… What am I supposed to do? I can't just cancel on everyone at the last minute!"

I was in full-on panic mode as I jumped out of my bed, and paced the hardwood floors that had seen their fare share of this panic-stricken walk.

"Shhh, Bells." Dad tried to console me. "It's okay. We'll figure it out. Marybelle and I can have dinner in the backyard if it's nice outside. That'll be more romantic. Actually, it's kind of perfect for a first date. Me being the ladies man and all…"

He stopped short of his thoughts when he found the un-amused look on my face.

"Charlie! You are not helping!" I nearly screamed with a stamp of my foot, that only granted me a smirk and a roll of Dad's eye.

"Bells, relax." Charlie closed in the gap that separated us, and rested a fatherly touch on my shoulder.

I was fuming. Him telling me to relax, my forgetful mind, and sleeping with my best friend was a little too much within a twenty-four hour period.

"Relax?" The smart-assed teenager inside of me reared its ugly head. The urge to overreact was an after-thought, because I was about to explode. "How am I supposed to relax when everything is on me? How? Tell me, cause I'd really like to know, Charlie. It's not bad enough that I'm dealing with being a teenager, but I have to do everything for everyone. But somehow, I always get the short end of the stick. How does that happen? And all you want is for me to relax? Really?"

Once my little temper tantrum was over, and the anger had subsided into the depths of my soul, I caught the shocked, pissed-off look Dad was giving me. His eyes were tiny slits on his face. His chin wrinkled as he scrunched up his mouth into a tight, sharp line. It was a side of Dad I barely saw, but when I did, I knew it was time to apologize and pretend like this all had never happened.

"Listen, I don't know what's going on with you, but, well, figure it out." Dad turned to go, but spun on his heel and added, "Don't ever talk to me like that again. If you want to talk, fine, talk. But, Bells, you're seventeen, almost eighteen. Don't act like a four year old."

I scowled at him. Men were jerks. That was my final decision for the night. No matter what age they were, men were always jerks.

Most of the night, I spent preparing the things I should have been preparing while I was sleeping the day away. Dinner would be hard, since I would be so tired and exhausted from cooking most of the night. I knew, however, that there would be some point in the day where Dad could take over the slow stirring of the chicken and dumplings, and I could take a quick nap.

Cooking was usually therapeutic for me, but not this time. Concentrating on the ingredients and the next steps of the dinner was more important for me than to concern myself with what had happened with Jacob. I knew avoiding the issue would only cause more problems down the road, but I couldn't bring myself to think that maybe for him, it was purely physical. I was sure that seeing him again with that million dollar smile and the heart of gold I'd known since I was eight would turn my world on its axis.

Dad was up by seven in the morning. He was excited, I'm sure, but his excitement shined as a shake in his voice and the fidgeting with everything that was stationary for longer than thirty seconds. He, unknowingly mocked me by his constant need to keep himself and mind busy. He cleaned the living room twice, the bathroom three times, and his bedroom only once. I laughed at the shocked expression on his face when I found him folding laundry and tucking it away in drawers that he rarely used. He looked like a kid caught in a candy store with a mouth full of peppermint and a fist full of paper money.

It was awkward knowing that he had thought they might somehow end up in his bedroom for one reason or another. Hopefully though, if he was thinking about doing the completely unnecessary, then he would let me out for the evening. I was pretty sure that after my not calling last night, Dad wasn't going to let me go far without a full interrogation of all parties.

"I'm going to lie down and take a nap before everyone shows up." I walked into his room. It was the same room he shared with Renee, when they were still together, and oddly, it still looked the same. Everything still sat in the same spots. The fake, plastic ivy she had draped in the corner of the room was still there with years worth of dust clinging to it. I hadn't been in here much. Not that I avoided it, but because it brought up too many memories. The furthest I ever walked into Dad's room was to retrieve the laundry basket from the corner next to the door. Even then, I usually kept my eyes focused on the floor.

"Uh, okay." Dad uncomfortably responded, dropping the folded t-shirts into the drawer.

"Can you stir the dumplings every half hour or so?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks." I turned to go. "Oh! I forgot. I put a table outside next to the willow tree in the backyard. Can you just set that table and I worry about the rest when I get up?" I smiled sweetly trying to cut the awkwardness that was already oozing out of my veins.

"Yeah, sure."

From across the hall in my bedroom, the sounds of opening and closing drawers sang to me, lulling my eyes shut, and pushing me into the depths of sleep. Exhaustion leaked out of my bones as I slept, slowly freeing me of the restraint I'd began to feel over the passing days. When I awoke, my body was still on edge at the sheer thought of Jacob's touch, and my heart was still guilty with the thought of Embry.

What would I do if a miracle happened and Jacob decided to give me a try? Could I end it with Embry? Could I call it quits with him? Was quitting someone cold turkey even possible when they had become your savior?

My life was far too complicated for seventeen – almost eighteen. My birthday would come around soon after the start of the school year. I would be another year older and another year wiser. Hopefully. But, no matter what way I thought about it, all I knew was that I didn't want eighteen to be the same as seventeen. Seventeen was oddly similar to sixteen, and sixteen to fifteen. The same featured people in my life were still there, hanging in the balance, watching me grow into who they thought I was supposed to be. But, there was a small part of me that wanted an extra feature there. That feature being Embry.

So, if I knew how I felt for Jacob was real, then how could I feel something for Embry? How could I need him there? How could I want him there? And, I had to admit, it wasn't in the most honorable of ways.

A knock on the door tore my attention from the scrubbing of my face toward the stomping footsteps and the creaking of the door.

"Jacob! Come on in, son. I don't think Bella was expecting you so soon. She's still getting ready." Dad rambled on and his voice became louder as he approached the bottom of the stairs.

"She up in her room?" The sound of his voice sent a ripple down my spine.

"Yeah. What'd you do?"

"Oh, you know, something different." Jake laughed that nervous, 'please don't bother' laugh of his. "Can I?"

"Sure, go ahead. Bella, Jake is coming up." Dad yelled.

"Alright. I'm in the bathroom, I'll be out in like five minutes." I yelled back with a continuous ball of butterflies in my stomach. Zipping up my make-up bag, I put it back in the medicine cabinet above the sink.

"Gosh, Bells, you don't have to yell. He's not that old." Jacob laughed – his voice much louder than I expected causing me to turn with a jump and a squeal.

"Jake!" I gasped. My stomach dropped to the floor. My mouth hung open as if it were on a loose hinge. "What the… What did you do?" I could feel tears tugging at my eyes, but wasn't sure why I would choose a situation like that to cry over. My feet carried me over to the doorway where my best friend stood with a cocky smirk across his beautifully featured face. The once long strands of his black, native hair were now short, spiky strands of someone I didn't know. I lifted my hand and ran my fingertips across the tips of his hair.

"Are you crying?" He laughed and leaned into my hand. My fingertips brushed the short bristles of his hair.

"No," I swallowed thickly and blinked a couple thousand times. "Why?"

His forehead wrinkled and his eyes dropped to the floor. The expression on his face was hard to read. There was too much he needed to say and not enough time to say it. With a firm grip, his fingers rested on my waist.

"Because of?" Whispering felt normal. This was something that only the both of us needed to know about. There was something sacred about the cutting of his hair. It almost felt like he was removing a part of himself. Was the part he was trying to remove me?

Jacob quickly shook his head 'no' in disbelief that I would refer to the night we'd shared together.

What could have happened then? I hadn't seen him in a little over a day. What could happen in twenty-four hours that would significantly change someone? A sudden urge of nervousness fell over me. I knew what it was like to feel a significant change in a day. I knew it was possible. That's when I knew – it was about her. I couldn't bear to think of her name. It angered me. It frustrated me. Why her?

And the tears fell from my eyes, dripping onto the hardwood floor below my feet. My life was just like a dream. The dream I was dreaming wasn't happily ever after. This Cinderella wouldn't get her prince. In my chest, somewhere deep inside of me, my heart ripped from corner to corner. The beating in my chest was hard and fast and painful, so very painful. But that pain was silenced as his lips reached the corner of mine and lingered there. Instinctively, I hooked my arms around his neck and effortlessly tried to bury my face in his t-shirt covered chest, but his palm caught my cheek and stilled me.

"I'm sorry." He whispered elegantly. The words were sweet and indefinable. They eluded me and haunted me. Jacob made his choice only proving to me, yet again that I was a consideration. After all, wasn't that what I wanted?

After his elusive words separated my heart from his, Jake left a feathery light kiss on my lips. The lightness behind it still held an eternal burning flame that I wasn't sure wouldn't change things between us. I should have known. But, I held myself together. I held the pieces of me trying to crumble under his gentle touch together. A soft sob escaped the hold I had on it. It met his lips with an intensity that only he would understand. It was my own apology – an apology that was harder for me to say than to think.

The weight of his lips lifted from my own and his hand disappeared from my hip. However, his forehead rested against mine and his nose brushed my nose – back and forth – over and over again as if he were trying to console the demons he'd formed inside of me.

"Is she here?" I asked with closed eyes. Silently, I wished him to say 'no'. I wished his answer would be one of servitude to me.

"No."

I guess wishes do come true.

My soul was still tied up in Jacob when another knock on the door brought us out of our sobriety. The eyes of my best friend, who I felt I'd lost in the past two days, met mine. They were soft with kindness and a million apologies, but nothing could stop the ripping in my heart. At least , that's what I thought until I opened the front door.

Embry greeted me with a smile and sparkling eyes. His features were sharp and rigid, but his heart was warm and welcoming. I'd have to distance myself from the pain, from the heartbreak, until he was gone and I was alone to deal with what had happened. It was then that I knew why I hadn't dealt with everything. I knew I had to keep it together if not for myself, but for Embry.

"Hey!" My lips smiled on their own.

"Hey!" His smile brightened my heart.

"Come in," I opened the door fully and welcomed him into the home he'd been in far too many times before. "I'm so glad you're here."

As he walked in the door and next to me, he reached out and clasped his hand into mine – effectively marking me as his in Jacob's territory. The glances between Embry and Jacob didn't go unnoticed. The clenching of Jacob's jaw was something only I noticed when his eyes sauntered down to our locked hands. He'd just have to deal with it.

Dinner was obtrusive. Marybelle showed up not too long after Embry. Dad greeted her at the front door and led her through the house, giving her the 'ultimate' tour, then he took her outside, where they were secluded in their own romantic little world.

Inside, I was stuck with the haunting memories of sleeping with my best friend and the need to be happy. Happiness seemed the obvious answer, but my happiness rested in the three men eating the dinner I'd made.

Embry and Jacob conversed about their upcoming game, while I sat in my chair pushing the food around my plate, pretending to be interested in their conversation, when all my mind could think about was the somber apology of Jacob's. What was going to happen now?

Embry sensed my distance and every so often bumped his shoulder into mine or patted my leg. Those few sentiments brought my insanity level down. My heart would begin to flutter and come alive, but would fade away when his touch disappeared.

If I was dreaming, then I desperately wanted to wake up. But, I knew I wasn't dreaming. This was my life, like it or not. I'd just have to deal with it.

"So, Bella," Embry took a sip of his sweet tea and angled his body toward mine. "Do you have any plans for your birthday?"

Surprisingly enough, I didn't have any plans. "No, usually Jacob and I celebrate with some red velvet cupcakes and a few stolen beers that Billy keeps in the garage."

_Would that change?_ I asked myself, but found that I was asking Jacob too - only with a stare and knowing look. Jacob laughed and dropped his fork to his plate.

"Sounds like a blast," Embry sarcastically laughed.

I laughed with him to save myself the pain.

"Shut up, ass wipe!" Jacob laughed and took a drink. His eyes darted toward mine and a soft twinkle flirted with me.

"Well, maybe we can celebrate?" Embry bumped my shoulder with his as he asked in a hushed whisper.

"Yeah, of course," I smiled with a nod of my head – not completely submersed in the idea. "What do you have in mind?"

"What about a party? Or maybe a bonfire? In your honor of course!" Embry sounded far more excited than I expected, but it was comforting to know that someone out there was willing to celebrate my birth with the entire world. His smile almost lit up the room as he started the beginnings of my birthday celebration.

"Man, why do we have to throw a party? Bells is happy with our little tradition." Jacob's eyebrow rose and that same twinkle flirted with me starting a round of butterflies in my stomach.

"What is it with you and parties? Did you have a bad birthday party when you were little or something? Did your mom not give you enough cake?" Embry's tone shifted to a defensive one. It was one of those tones that held a half serious, half joking voice to it.

The comment about Jacob's mom made me cringe. But, Jacob and Embry were friends. They wouldn't throw low blows at each other and not be joking. Jacob's cheeks froze with a crimson. The sparkle in his eye was gone.

"Nah, man," Jacob's voice was soft and distant. "I just don't like parties. Bella do you even want a party?"

The question he directed at me was sharp, and pointed as if he was thinking that I didn't. But I did. It would be different. It would be fun. It would be a celebration of me – solely me. "Of course I do. We can still do our little thing though." That was one tradition I didn't want to lose.

Jacob nodded his head and his eyes dropped to the food covered plate in front of him. The rest of dinner was silently uncomfortable. There was a hanging resonance in the room that went unanswered, unspoken about. No one mentioned the obvious elephant in the room, but no one noticed the not-so-obvious one either.

Embry was the first to leave.

"Sorry I have to go so soon, Bells. Mom needs some help around the house. Can't leave her alone for long or she'll be duct taping everything to fix it." He laughed nervously as I walked him to the door.

"It's okay." Closing the door behind us for privacy, I stepped out onto the porch. "Sorry that Jake's being such an ass."

"Hey, don't worry about it." Embry bent down to kiss me for the first time without asking. It caught me off guard and I shrieked back with a hiss.

"Sorry," I squeezed my eyes shut in embarrassment. How after all that he's been through with me could I just pull back from him?

"Did I do something?" It was the first time I had heard Embry have any kind of doubt. He was always so positive and so free. His gray eyes were worried and distant.

"What? No! Em," I sighed. "It's just that…" The words wanted to come out. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to be honest. "Jake." I started to say it. I started to tell him. But I stopped.

"Jake what?" Embry asked, taking a step back.

"He's waiting. And." I scurried for an answer afraid that I'd lose the only piece of sanity left for me. "You know how he's been lately. I just don't want him to start that tackling thing again."

Embry breathed in deeply. His eyes squinting and then releasing. "Alright." He hesitated. "Guess, I'll see you around then."

With that said, Embry not so much as looked toward me again, before he pulled out of the driveway in a flash. Once he was out of sight was when my body began to crave his sweetness again.

"God, what was I thinking?" I grumbled to myself.

"It's hard, isn't it?"

With a jump, I turned around to see Jacob at the door.

"How long were you standing there listening?" I rolled my eyes and took a seat on the steps.

Jacob shrugged and sat down next to me. "Long enough to know that you didn't say anything, because you care about him more than what you think."

Jacob was beginning to annoy me. "And what makes you say that?" My voice rose in tone as irritation bled from my words and into the air surrounding us.

"Well, first off, that you're annoyed with me right now," Jacob grimaced back at me. "Secondly, because I've been there."

"Oh right, with Jessica. How could I forget?"

The sarcasm in my words was enough for him to know that I no longer had anything to do with the conversation at hand. But, at the same time, I didn't want to let it go. Letting it go meant that I gave in, and I didn't want to give in. I didn't want to let go of anything.

Jacob pulled back and started at me bemusedly . "Yeah. With Jessica."

If I hadn't been so engrossed in my own feelings and the annoyingly persistent presence of my best friend, then I would have noticed the sarcasm in his voice. But I was too infused with the moments before dinner. I was too upset that I'd almost caved in and told Embry what had happened.

This life wasn't my own. What was happening couldn't be real. I wished that it wasn't real. I wanted it not to be real. If it wasn't real, though, then that would mean I was never a consideration to Jacob. I was always his best friend. Always. That wouldn't change anything.

"Jake," I sighed as the tension began to filter out of me. "I don't want this to be so complicated."

"Me either." His voice was distant – like he was on his own planet somewhere in the solar system.

"Does it have to be?"

"I think it is what we make it. If we want it to be complicated, then it will be," Jacob's arm rested across my shoulders and he tugged me into his side. My body instinctively curved into his.

"You're my best friend…" Tears started to roll down my face again. The ripping beats of my heart expanded in my chest.

"I know, Bella," he sighed a sigh full of words that were truthfully unspoken.

"Why can't this be a dream? " Those words left me pitiful and empty.

"Do you want it to be a dream?" A darkness vibrated in his chest telling me that the question didn't need an answer.

"No." I answered anyway.

His lips faintly kissed my cheek, searing the rip in my chest.

* * *

**Thanks for reading & as always review. **

**Beta: KennedyMommy3**

_Expect longer chapters like this in the future.  
_


	8. Fearless

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening: **The All-American Rejects – Dirty Little Secret; Daughtry – Sorry; Colbie Caillet – Fearless.

**Author's Note: **This chapter is dedicated to the wonderful luvinj! Thanks so much for everything!

* * *

Love. I had my first taste. It was time to truly feel what it felt like to be someone's world for more than a few days. I wanted to feel special. I wanted someone, anyone, to love me with the intensity I had felt with Jake. My love for him would be there – always. But, it was time to move on.

I could do it one of two ways. I could self deprecate, and end up losing everything including myself. Or, I could realize that the feelings I had for Jacob would never go away, and live with it. At least, if things turned for the worse, then I could say that I knew what it felt like to be in his arms. I knew what it was like to feel his skin against my skin in the most intimate of ways. Losing that would tear my heart into a million tiny pieces, but I would survive. I would surpass it all knowing that I believed in love – even if I felt that it had been taken from me. And, who was to say that love would not find me again? Maybe it wouldn't be the pure, unadulterated, fearless love that I held for my best friend, but it would be love.

It was with a fearless heart that I picked up the phone late into the night on the Wednesday before school started. I had not heard from Embry since that catastrophe of a dinner. I couldn't blame him. We had left on a sour note.

Instead of texting him, I sucked up enough courage to press the call button on my cell phone. That nervous feeling you get when something extraordinary was about to happen double beated in my chest. It was burning, itching, and freezing my emotions into place. Those feelings magnified by the thousands as the ringing of my call rang in my ears. I hoped he picked up. And if he did not, then I would keep trying. Maybe not like a certified crazy person would, but I would keep trying to talk to him.

After the fourth ring, his voicemail picked up and broke what little hope I had. "You've reached the voicemail box of 'Embry Call'. Please leave a message at the tone." His name was like a sugar rush. It pushed the broken hope to the back of my mind, and set forth a new set of hope. I would not stop until I could say I had given it my all.

"Hey Em. It's Bella. You probably already know that, but uh…" I sounded like a complete idiot. "I was wondering if you wanted to meet up and talk sometime? I know dinner didn't go so well. And it wasn't exactly one-on-one like you wanted. So…yeah. Call me back if you get this..When you get this. I miss you."

Maybe the "I miss you" was a little much, but I ended the call before I could over analyze it any further. Until he called back, or until I hunted him down, I would be on edge. So, I had to keep my mind busy.

To waste time before bed, I signed online. While checking my email, I opened up my messenger list, and casually glanced over who was online. The only name blaring so late at night was _'JEB87' _– Jake.

I hesitated. I wanted to talk to him, but I was tired of always making the first move. For most of our friendship, I had always put everything into action. It aggravated me. Maybe I was moody. Maybe I was sick of his crap. Either way, I was annoyed with him and his companionship, or lack-there-of. So, I minimized the screen and went on my way – checking iTunes, reading new emails from Renee that I had not had a chance to read yet, and watching people act like they were complete morons on YouTube.

Half way through a video of some guy trying to drink 2 gallons of milk an instant message box popped up just as the guy was about to spew milk from every orifice of his body.

_**JEB87: (1:28 A.M.) **__Hey_

_**HappyBells: (1:28 A.M.) **__Hi…_

So, I guess he wanted to talk to me.

_**JEB87: (1:29 A.M.) **__What are you doing_

_**HappyBells: (1:29 A.M.) **__The usual…music, videos, and emails from Renee that make no sense. You?_

_**JEB87: (1:29 A.M.) **__Thinking_

Usually, I would ask him what he was thinking about. I would help in any way that I could to try to rid him of his problems, but I could not do it anymore. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to be his best friend, but it was far too difficult. So, I stared at the screen – hoping that he would take the initiative.

_**JEB87: (1:35 A.M.) **__Are you mad at me _

_**HappyBells: (1:36 A.M.) **__Yes and no._

_**JEB87: (1:36 A.M.) **__How can you be both and whatd I do_

_**HappyBells: (1:36 A.M.) **__Jake, it's not that I'm mad at you. I'm in lo…_

Delete. He didn't need to know.

_**HappyBells: (1:37 A.M.) **__Frustrated. Not mad._

_**JEB87: (1:37 A.M.) **__Why _

_**HappyBells: (1:38 A.M.) **__I just need some…_

_**JEB87: (1:38 A.M.) **__Ill be right over then ;) LOL_

_**HappyBells: (1:38 A.M.) **__I wasn't finished…_

_**JEB87: (1:38 A.M.) **__Too soon?_

_**HappyBells: (1:39 A.M.) **__Much. _

Except, my brain and body were screaming at me, telling me that it would be perfectly fine to have him come over. Nothing would happen.

_**JEB87: (1:39 A.M.) **__I miss you Sorry about messin everything up_

Were my eyes deceiving me? Was Jacob Ephraim Black actually apologizing without coercing?

_**JEB87: (1:39 A.M.)**__ but I wouldnt change what happened_

He wouldn't change anything that happened. Why was there something oddly romantic about what he said? And why did it engulf me in such a way that I could feel the frustration sliding from my grip? I wanted to tell him that I didn't want to change anything either, but I could not.

_**JEB87: (1:45 A.M.) **__Man I hate talkin on this I sound like a pansy _

Words were my enemy. I could not speak, think, or form a sentence. I was frozen. My body rapidly growing aware of the need I still had for him. A smile began to form and tweaked at the corner of my lips. I did not want to smile, but that was what Jacob did. He made me smile. Always.

What was I supposed to say to him?

_**JEB87: (1:50 A.M.) **__Still there?_

_**HappyBells: (1:51 A.M.) **__Yes. Sorry. I'm shocked that you apologized is all. :)_

_**JEB87: (1:51 A.M.) **__Shut up_

_**HappyBells : (1:51 A.M.) **__Make me._

_**JEB87: (1:51 A.M.) **__I dont make trash I burn it lol_

_**HappyBells: (1:51 A.M.) **__I hate you. lol_

_**JEB87: (1:52 A.M.) **__No you dont _

_**HappyBells: (1:52 A.M.) **__You have no idea._

Quickly, I tried to correct the little mistake I made.

_**HappyBells: (1:53 A.M.) **__how much I hate you._

_**JEB87: (1:53 A.M.) **__Sure, sure._

_**HappyBells: (1:53 A.M.) **__Ok. Might as well get the elephant out of the room. Are you with Jessica? I mean, I am your best friend. Aren't I supposed to know these things?_

_**JEB87: (1:53 A.M.)**__ If she gets her act straight then yeah. If not then no. Kinda up in the air right now. U with Embry?_

_**HappyBells: (1:54 A.M.) **__lol I'm not talking to you about Embry._

_**JEB87: (1:54 A.M.) **__Dont want pretty boy tackled anymore Im kidding Did you tell him_

_**HappyBells: (1:54 A.M.) **__No. You tell Jessica?_

_**JEB87: (1:54 A.M.) **__Nope. She has enough issues. Dont need to add to them._

_**HappyBells: (1:55 A.M.) **__Okay. So, is this our little secret now or something?_

_**JEB87: (1:55 A.M.) **__I want it to be. That alright_

_**HappyBells: (1:55 A.M.) **__Don't really have a choice…_

_**JEB87: (1:55 A.M.) **__Im sorry._

_**HappyBells: (1:55 A.M.) **__For wh…_

Delete. I knew what he was talking about.

_**HappyBells: (1:55 A.M.)**__ I know._

_**HappyBells: (1:55 A.M.) **__Stop apologizing already. It doesn't fix it._

_**JEB87: (1:56 A.M.) **__Wow. Bells. That was ballsy. What will _

Asking me what would fix the whole situation seemed like an easy question, but it was not. I did not know what would correct the mistakes we had made besides the obvious. It was not fair for me to ask him to break it off with Jessica and be with me. We had plenty of time together. We had shared so much. I suppose he deserved someone else just as much as I did. Jake and I would be together longer than any high school relationship. At least, I hoped so.

_**HappyBells: (1:56 A.M.) **__I'm not sure, Jake, but I don't think we should worry about it. We'll always have each other, right?_

_**JEB87: (1:56 A.M.) **__Yup_

_**HappyBells: (1:56 A.M.) **__Can I ask you something?_

I knew he would answer with some smart ass "you already did" type answer, but I could not help my curiosity. I had to know what it was about Jessica that kept him so tied up in her.

_**JEB87: (1:56 A.M.) **__Already did _

I sighed while rolling my eyes. A smile spread from somewhere deep inside of me to my face, almost making my cheeks hurt in the process.

_**JEB87: (1:56 A.M.) **__Go ahead_

_**HappyBells: (1:57 A.M.) **__Why Jessica?_

After hitting the send button, I sat back in my chair and stared at the screen, waiting for his response to be some glorious answer – like she was dieing from cancer, or she had some mythical power over him that gave him no choice other than her.

It seemed like my question was just as hard for him to answer. He could choose any girl in the school, but he chose the snobby head cheerleader. It did not make sense when there were plenty of wholesome, non-neurotic girls willing to take one for the team. Jake had first pick of all the girls, and it was nothing profound to know that he had been with lots of girls. By "been", I mean dated. Obviously, he had been with plenty of girls in that way too.

Something else I did not understand was why Jessica came between us so much. None of his other girlfriends had. Was it because of my newfound feelings for him? Or was there something else about her – something I did not know about – that made his heart grow for her?

The instant message box was still blank. The white screen started to hurt my eyes.

_**JEB87: (2:03 A.M.) **__Promise you wont say anything_

_**JEB87: (2:03 A.M.) **__Pinky promise?_

_**HappyBells: (2:03 A.M.) **__Pinky promise._

_**JEB87: (2:03 A.M.) **__Her mom died over the summer I was the only person she would talk to about it _

_**HappyBells: (2:03 A.M.) **__I thought her parents were divorcing and her mom was moving to Illinois?_

_**JEB87: (2:03 A.M.) **__She did but not too long after they found her dead_

_**JEB87: (2:03 A.M.) **__Her mom left a suicide note addressed to Jessica_

_**HappyBells: (2:04 A.M.)**__ Oh. Sorry, Jake. I didn't know. Why didn't she say anything? Why doesn't everyone else know?_

_**JEB87: (2:04 A.M.) **__It happened before you went to Renees for the summer_

_**JEB87: (2:04 A.M.) **__Jessica said her family was ashamed of what happened they didnt pay for funeral costs or anything_

_**JEB87: (2:04 A.M.) **__But thats not why_

_**JEB87: (2:04 A.M.) **__Hope u dont take this wrong but she knows what its like to lose a parent and we kinda connected or something I dont know I just know what shes going through and I can help her_

_**HappyBells: (2:05 A.M.) **__You're with her because you can help her? Shouldn't you be with her because you're in love with her or whatever?_

_**JEB87: (2:05 A.M.) **__no one said anything about love Bella_

_**JEB87: (2:05 A.M.) **__I cant explain it to you. she needs me_.

_I need you._ I thought, but maybe I needed him in a different way. Still, the whole idea of Jessica's Mom dying seemed to be a little weird to me. I was sure that if her Mom died that Dad would have heard, and would have mentioned it.

_**JEB87: (2:05 A.M.) **__Do we have to talk over this thing reading what I say makes me sound gay lol_

_**JEB87: (2:05 A.M.)**__ Can I come over_

_**HappyBells: (2:05 A.M.)**__ Jake, it's 2 in the morning!_

_**JEB87: (2:05 A.M.)**__ Im only 10 min away _

_**HappyBells: (2:05 A.M.)**__ Dad will kill me. I'm still in trouble from last weekend._

_**JEB87: (2:05 A.M.)**__ No he wont tell him I needed a place to crash or something Im like a son to him_

_**HappyBells: (2:05 A.M.)**__ Fine. We have to be quiet. I don't want to wake him up. He has to work early in the morning._

_**JEB87: (2:06 A.M.)**__ Alright Be there in a few Ill text when Im outside_

Jacob coming over late at night was not anything new. It happened often, especially during the summer months. Dad never had a real problem with it. Although, I was sure that if he knew Jake and I had sex, then he would not allow Jacob back over to the house period. The star quarterback for Forks High School would definitely have a hard time running with a broken penis.

I caught myself giggling at the thought as I creaked down the stairs. Trying to be quiet was always a feat, except when you weren't trying. Why did it always work that way?

I made it down the stairs with only a few close calls, mostly due to my laughing at the mental image of a limping Jacob. Just as I took the last step toward the door, my phone beeped in my hand. I jumped at the loud noise, and quickly silenced it. Looking up the steps toward Dad's room, I checked to make sure his lights were not on, and that he was not about to run down the stairs in his tighty-whiteys with his gun pointed straight at my nose. Sure that Dad was not awake, I opened the door and shut it quietly.

As I turned around, I noticed Jacob sitting on the first step - the one closest to the ground. He was wearing his old, ratty, red and green plaid pajama pants, and a black t-shirt. His hair stuck out every which way. It was different seeing him with bed hair. Usually, a thick ponytail fell down his back, or his hair was neatly brushed straight. Instead, Jacob's hair was a mess of spikes and flat pieces that pointed in every direction known to man.

Jake glanced up from the steps and smiled at me. His pearly white, million dollar smile glowed in the darkness of the late night sky. Shadows contoured his face with strategic lines and bends that brought out his native features. He was still just as beautiful with short hair.

I smiled back at him and took a seat on the top step of the porch.

"Hey." I whispered.

"Hey." He matched my tone.

"Why'd you want to come over?" I impatiently asked.

"To talk to you in person. And I miss hangin' out with you." Jacob seemed genuine and sweet while he looked up to me from his seat. His eyes were a shadowy onyx that glistened in the moonlight.

"I miss hanging out with you too, but can't we hang out at a normal time of day?"

"I can leave." Jake began to stand up, but I rushed to his side, and tugged his arm until he sat back down on the step next to me. "Gosh, Bells, I was joking." He laughed. "You could really hurt someone if you wanted to."

I rolled my eyes at him. Leaning into his shoulder, I rested my head atop it and let my breath quicken from the contact. Jacob rubbed his cheek on my hair. His breath burned against my scalp as his lips pressed a tender, sweet kiss on my head. I liked the new affection we showed for each other. It felt beautifully natural.

"Jessica's Mom died?" I asked, truly wanting to know as much as I could about the situation. It was not the only question I wanted to ask him, but it was a start.

"Yeah." Jacob somberly replied.

I rested my chin on his shoulder, and looked up at him. "Wanna talk about it?"

"There's not much to talk about. She killed herself. Jess never really explained much after that. It's kinda," he swallowed with a gulp, "hard to talk about stuff like that."

"I know." My hand found his bicep, and squeezed onto it gently. I swiped my thumb back and forth across the cotton material of his shirt in an effort to ease some of the pain away.

"She understands me, ya know? Not that you don't, but she just gets it. You've always been able to go see Renee, or talk to her when you wanted, but I can't. Mom's just gone. All I can do is talk to a pile of dirt and a rock with her name on it." The cracking and softness of his voice held most of his fear. The rest was in his eyes that glanced toward me every few seconds.

It was the first time Jacob had really talked about Sarah with me. I was not sure why he picked tonight to talk about it, but I knew he had held so much in his heart. Maybe what had happened between us had brought us closer somehow. It was not the type of closeness I would have picked, but at least there was another level to our friendship. I was getting the impression that it was not as lopsided as before.

"With Jessica, she gets it. She knows how hard it is to not be able to hear your mom's voice, or feel her touch…" He stopped quickly when his voice cracked. Once his composure was collected, he spoke again. "I don't want you to think that I think you don't get it. It's not that. I just see a lot of myself in Jess. I know what she's goin' through, and so I helped her out. I talked to her. Told her my story, and the next thing you know, we're…"

"I get it. Please don't go into detail." Crushed, I spoke bitterly.

"Sorry Bells." Jacob's arm found my shoulders and wrapped me snugly in his warmth. "You understand though, right?"

"Yeah. I get it. It's just weird. Why doesn't anyone else know about her Mom?"

"I don't know."

"We live in a small town, Jake. Don't you think everyone would know if something that dramatic happened?" The doubt in my voice was thick with intent, and leaked my assumptions into our conversation. In return, Jacob's arm dropped from my shoulders, and he turned toward me. His face smoldered with anger.

"Are you tryin' to say what I think you are?" He spat.

"I'm just saying, Jake. Why doesn't everyone else know about this? And why didn't she pick someone else to talk to? Don't you think it's a little weird?" Lifting my eyebrows in question, I stared him down.

"No, I don't think it's a little weird. Why are you actin' like that? Can't you just be happy for me?" The look he gave dared me to answer.

"I can be happy for you, but not with," a breath escaped me as her name, dripping in venom, fell from my lips, "Jessica."

"Right. I'm supposed to…Never mind. Bells, just… I need you to be okay with it."

"You want me to be okay with it after what happened?" The teenage angst that I tried so desperately to keep a hold of slipped through my grip.

Jacob rolled his eyes. The anger in my veins tripled.

"Are you serious? I…God, I don't know what to say! Don't you know that I.."

_Stop Bella._ My brain screamed at me. _You don't know what you're saying._

"That you what?" His brows lifted up in question of my abrupt stop.

"Nothing. I don't know what I'm saying."

My brain gave me instructions to follow._ Breathe in. Breathe out._ My heart thumped. _Embry._

A happiness blurred the lines of my anger. Happiness would be right around the corner if I let go of the situation. If I could just let go, then it would all be okay.

"Why the fuck does Jessica bother you so much?"

It was time for Jacob's temper to flare. It was the same temper that caused him to tremble at football practice when I first mentioned Embry. I watched his hands start to shake.

"Why does Embry bother you?" I retorted with a raise of my brow and a set of my jaw.

That statement seemed to settle Jacob's temper a little. His hands stopped shaking, and an angry smirk appeared on his lips.

"Listen, Bella, don't stir up shit that you don't know anything about, alright? Back off of the situation with Jessica."

He knew me too well. He knew that I would find out the real answer. I highly doubted that it was for the reasons she was giving him. But, why would Jessica Stanley mess with Jacob after all of these years? Her life wasn't going much of anywhere. Jessica was a cheerleader with poor grades, a bad attitude, and no money. A light bulb clicked on over my head.

_Oh._ I thought.

"Sorry, you're right." I let it go. Well, as far as he was concerned, I let it go. I would find out what really happened with Jessica and her mom – if anything happened at all.

The moon flooded the night with an iridescent façade. It made the world seem like an easy place, like there was only good, and the bad was an illusion. For Jacob's sake, I hoped that the world was all good, but I had a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that everything was not exactly what he had been told. I may not have known every detail, but I at least knew enough to investigate.

Crickets buzzed, relieving the stillness of the night. I knew I had only been driving a stake between Jake and me. I did not want that. He didn't want that. We had to find a way to make this work, to stay best friends - even when there was something lingering below the surface.

"You know, Embry's Dad left when he was little." Jacob was the first to break the silence.

"No." I jerked my attention to him at the sound of Embry's name. "What happened?"

"Kinda the same thing that happened with Renee and Charlie. 'Cept, Embry got the short end of the stick." Jake turned, and leaned his back against the stair railing. His left leg stretched out behind me, and his right in front of me.

"I didn't know that." I whispered. It was my only defense against the uncomfortable feeling of talking to Jake about Embry. Something bad would come of this, I knew it, but my curiosity was peaked. "What do you mean he got the short end of the stick?"

"It's not my story to tell, Bells." Jake's eyes were diverted to the concrete of the steps we were sitting on. "You should ask him about his Mom. You guys have a lot more in common than you think."

"Why are you suddenly pushing me to Embry?" I sighed.

"I'm not." He sounded like he was asking a question more so than answering one.

"Sounds like it." I argued, watching him connect the divots in the concrete with his fingertips.

"Bells!" Jacob stared at me with pleading, sincere eyes. "Stop."

With a deep breath, I stopped the nonsense back and forth. I set my worries free, and relaxed.

"C'mere." He reached his arms out, and pulled me into his chest. His heart-beat echoed in my ears.

_Blub. Dub. Blub. Dub. _

The stress of the weeks since I had come back home lifted from my shoulders. My restless body curved into his, and quivered at the contact. He was warm, and soft, but hard. Jacob's hand leisurely slid up and down my back. The usual quake in his fingers was not present. As his hand warmed the path he was rubbing, the warmth spread from my spine transversely until the heat reached my skin from the inside out. A soft moan escaped my lips.

I did not mean to moan. I didn't mean for his touch to feel so erotic, but it was. It was intensely erotic to the point that my quivering had expanded to a full shake that caused my teeth to chatter. The nervous shaking coming from my body only seemed to urge Jacob to explore my skin further. Instead of stopping like most friends would in a situation like this, Jake reached his other hand up, and dragged his fingers from the top of my hand, up my arm, and to my jaw.

The elegance in his touch seemed to match the night's tone. I would forever be lost in the night with Jacob. We would always be trying to find our way out of the darkness. But, we had something no one else did. We had each other.

As Jake's thick fingers followed the line of my jaw, I glanced up to his moonlit face. Parting my lips, I breathed in through my mouth and out my nose. Once he had reached his desired destination, Jake's thumb and forefinger gripped the point of my chin, and lifted my lips to his. The softness of his kiss and the tenderness in his touch nursed the love growing inside of me for him.

"Jake?" Hesitantly, I broke the kiss.

"Hmm," he hummed.

"I…Do you?...Have you? I mean… I… uhm."

The words I had been trying to tell him since I had come home stuttered to a stop. My heart and brain fought over control of my tongue. His thumb and forefinger stayed hooked on my chin, but he pulled his soft, comforting lips away. I craved them the instant they were gone.

"What are you trying to ask me?"

There was a soft smirk playing on his lips while he spoke. I wanted that to be a sign that he loved me too, or at least cared just a little bit. But, I had no proof, no spoken word to go on. All I relied on were the small, irrefutable hints he had been giving me over the past few weeks. Did he love me the way I loved him? I decided not to ask so much as tell him what I felt. Maybe that would come across less threatening, less definitive. The less absolute my words were, then the more attainable they were for Jacob.

"I care about you." I spat out in less time than it took to exhale.

He chuckled. "I care about you too."

My cheeks burned crimson. A flush of heat spread through me just as quickly as the words had come from my mouth. Did he mean that? I opened my mouth to ask him, but he interjected.

"But." It was the worst word to hear. "I can't."

"Why?"

"You know why." His words were soft and delicate. "'Sides, you are the only constant in my life, Bells. You're my grounding rod. I can't lose that, not over something so indefinite."

"I'm indefinite to you? I mean, it would be indefinite?" I swallowed the growing knot of emotions in my throat. My throat shook. Tears stung in my eyes.

Jacob shook his head "yes" apologetically. "Right now, it would be. We can't do this now, alright? We just can't. Not just 'cause it wouldn't work, but 'cause you have Embry and I have Jess. The risk isn't worth it."

"It is worth it, Jake." A tear trickled out of the corner of my eye. It flowed down my cheek leaving a salty, wet trail behind it. "I'm worth it?" I asked almost afraid to hear his response.

"You are worth it, but…" Jake's fingers let go of my chin, and he backed away. "I knew I shouldn't have done anything. I shouldn't have."

He was referring to having sex with me. I knew that's what he was denying. "Then why did you?" Another tear dripped out of the opposite eye. Its trail mimicked the other.

"'Cause I wanted to. I wanted it to happen. I wanted that to happen with me. I wanted to be your first. I wanted to show you that I had considered you…You'll always be a consideration, Bells. Always, but not right now. I can't right now. There's too much… shit… in the way." His words became a sudden rant. "I fucked up, alright, Bells? I fucked shit up that shouldn't have fuckin' been messed with. I shoulda known better. I shoulda known you wouldn't have been able to handle this shit. But, I did it anyway 'cause I cared more about showing you that I had… "considered" you when you should have already fuckin' known. God damnit. Fuck. I shouldn't have chanced us over some fucking teenage feelin'. That's what we are, Bells. We're teenagers. We fuck up. We learn from it. We move on. Now's not a time to settle down. Now's not when we fall in love. Now's not the time. Not right, fuckin' now. Not when it'll all go to fuckin' shit cause we're careless."

By the end of his angry rant, he had stood up and was pacing at the bottom of the steps. Dust kicked up behind him as the words he had been saying wracked in his brain. Though what he said bruised me, it was the truth. It hurt to know that Jacob thought we could not make it through our teenage years together.

My chest felt like it was caving in on itself, but a single name kept a part of my heart inflated. Embry. I choked on his name as it had formed a ball in the center of my windpipe. My breath wheezed around the five letters of Embry's name.

Half of my heart was caved in, broken, tormented with Jacob's refusal to give me, us, a chance. However, the other half of my heart was ready to explore the different forms of love: Love made of fear. Love made of hope. Love made of purity. Love made of dreams. And, love made of love.

Half of me was crying, breaking, tormenting itself. That half forced tears down my cheeks and a redness up my neck. My cheeks were burning with splotches of crimson. I was embarrassed, confused, and dumfounded.

I was every emotion rolled into one.

Watching Jacob pace brought a peace with it. At least, I knew that he was thinking about us. I knew that he had thought about making us work. For the moment, I was happy with that: happy, but broken.

Dropping from the direction they were staring in, his dark, onyx eyes traveled with the tears falling down my cheeks. The angry, panicked pacing he had been doing ceased as he rushed over to me. Jacob placed his large, thick hands on my cheeks and swiped away the endless tears falling from my eyes.

"Don't cry." His full lips whispered. The words were almost impossible to hear.

"I can't help it." I whispered back. His forehead pressed to mine.

"I'm sorry." Those words were becoming old, tattered, and meaningless. Not that I was questioning how genuine his apology was, but the fact that he felt the need to apologize so much in the past few days worried me. I was becoming numb to his apologies.

"I know." The bitterness in my voice was almost tangible.

He rubbed his broad nose against mine, bringing me back to our childhood and to the amount of Eskimo kisses we had shared over the years. It was comforting, and began to silence the sadness overwhelming me.

The fearlessness I had felt when I picked up the phone to call Embry brewed deep inside of me. Knowing what I needed to say, and actually doing it was not as big of an issue as it would have, had fear still been present. I cleared my throat.

"Jake," I began. "I'll be okay. Don't worry about me."

"This," Jacob wiped a tear from my cheek, "means you're okay?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

"I don't want to hurt you, Bells." His nose scrunched in frustration of himself.

"Too late. It can't get much worse. I'll be fine." Truthfully, I was beginning to believe my own lies.

"I don't know if I should be bothered that you'll be alright or flattered. You're not making sense. You're not being…YOU," he exclaimed.

"Listen, Jake, I'm okay. Yeah, it hurts, but," I pulled away from him physically and metaphorically. "What can I do? I can't make you feel what I feel or see what I see. I can only be happy that I felt what it was like to be with you – even if it was only for a night or two. I'm okay with that. It's better than nothing."

"See, I don't want you selling yourself short, Bells. That's why you need to be with Embry right now. He can give you what I can't." As his words left him, Jacob backed away with a contorted, suppressed look on his face.

"I'm not selling myself short." I stood up in a hurry. Jacob took a few steps backward. "I'm young, Jake. I know that. Things will be okay."

"Sure, sure." He whispered quietly and turned toward his car. "See you later," he asked. His questions lingered in the back of my mind. Why would he ask me that?

"Of course. This doesn't change things between us, remember?"

With heavy footsteps and his head hanging between his shoulders, Jacob left. A feeling of insecurity and disbelief was left in his wake, but his presence was still felt in the passing days. It was during those days that I felt alone, cold, and broken. The rip in my heart began to fray at the edges, causing me a disarray of guilt. Not only was there a lingering guilt felt about Embry, but also, there was a new guilt. That guilt burned in my stomach as regret. I knew what had transpired between Jake and me was a mistake now, but I couldn't go back to the way things were. I was too far in, too far gone to turn around.

The last weekend before my senior year of high school had started. It was "the" weekend that everyone gathered into their little groups and celebrated their last year of the relentless amounts of homework, and mind boggling tests. To say that I had looked forward to that weekend would be like saying the sun is not needed to sustain life on Earth.

Patiently, I waited to hear from Jacob, Embry, Sam, Emily, even Quil. The phone never rang. A text was never sent, and I sat foolishly in front of my television watching reruns of old soap operas on a Friday night. My life had slowly dwindled down to beyond pathetic. I started the summer with a best friend, and ended it with an unrequited love. That whole idea did not involve Embry. If I thought of Embry, then I would become even more pathetic.

I had the chance to be happy, to be strong, to experience life next to someone else, and I blew it. So much for having friends during my senior year. I flipped the channel. Soap Operas probably were not the best idea, seeing as how my life was practically one.

"Aren't you going out tonight," Dad said. He flopped into the chair and popped the top of his beer can. "Shouldn't you be doing something on the last Friday before your senior year, Bells?"

His voice was thick with concern.

"No. I'm fine," I replied with a snotty tone while crossing my arms over my chest.

"I'm just concerned. I noticed Jake never comes around anymore. Is it because of that girlfriend of his?"

"Don't you ever get tired of asking me questions, Charlie?" I was in no mood for his game of interrogation. "But, no. He's not seeing Jessica anymore. Right now. I don't know."

"Jessica Stanley." Charlie chuckled softly. "Head cheerleader. Who would have thought…"

That was when I saw my in. I could ask him about Jessica's Mom, maybe not straight out, but I could get a little bit of information.

"Didn't you grow up with the Stanley's?" I asked with a whole new view on the conversation.

"Yeah. I did. Jessica's Mom, Teresa, and I dated in junior high back before I met your mother. She's a great girl. Always was." He sipped his beer can. Unknowingly, Dad walked directly into an interrogation. I uncrossed my arms and sat forward a little – to let him know I was interested.

"Oh. Hmm." I pretended to care. "Where's Teresa now?"

"You know, I don't know. Last I heard, her and Joseph were having marital problems. Maybe I should look her up, ya know, since I am "the" ladies man now." Dad chugged back a few more drinks of his beer.

"You should!" I exclaimed far more excited than I should have been. Dad glared at me with a puzzled, scrunched face. "I just think that you deserve to be happy is all. Mom has someone. You should too." Trying to cover up the fact that I had no idea what I was saying was a bit easier since Dad had been drinking for the bigger part of the night. "If you liked Teresa that much back then, then why not look her up and get together now?"

Dad nodded his head curtly and turned his attention to a commercial about chicken wings. "I don't know, Bells. Don't you think it would be a little weird to hear from an old friend out of nowhere? What if she's still married?"

"Jake mentioned something about Jessica's Mom moving to Chicago. Since, Jess," I gagged on her nickname, "is still here and so's her dad, then I'm guessing they are at least separated."

"So, you have talked to Jake!" Dad sat up in his chair and smirked.

"Uh, yeah." I squinted my eyes at him. "He's my best friend. Don't seem so… surprised, Charlie."

Hastily, I stood up and headed in the direction of another room. It didn't matter which one just as long as the one I was in did not have my father in it. He was smarter and more seasoned at interrogations than I gave him credit for. I should have known what he was trying to do when he brought up Jessica Stanley. I rolled my eyes just as the phone rang.

"Hello," Dad slurred. "Mmhmm. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. No, I understand. Alright. I'll send her over. Yup. Alright. Later Jake."

Jake's name snapped my head up and brought my attention to Dad. "Was that Jake?" I stomped into the living room with heavy feet just as he hung up the phone.

"Yeah." With a laugh, Dad looked up at me only to realize that I was not in a joking mood. "Said he's been trying to call your cell phone, but it keeps going directly to voicemail. Did you turn it off?"

"No." I was confused. Where was my phone? "Actually, I haven't seen it in a couple of days. Last time I had it..." I ran out the front door. There, sitting on the steps in all its dead battery glory was my cheap, dead phone covered in drops of rain. "Damnit!"

"Language, Isabella!" Dad's footsteps creaked until he was standing at the door behind me. "How'd your phone get out here?"

"I left it out here the other night. I bet it's ruined!"

"Well, you shouldn't have left it out here to begin with, but you've had that phone for a while now. I guess you might deserve a new one."

I loved my half drunk Dad.

"Really?" I shrieked.

"Only under one condition."

"That being?" I asked with bright, puppy dog eyes.

"You go visit Jake tomorrow evening. He sounded a little upset on the phone. Maybe you're right about him and Jessica. I guess they aren't together anymore." Dad hugged my shoulders with a tight squeeze.

Was my own father trying to bribe me into seeing Jacob? I suppose, technically, it was not a bribe seeing as it was Jake who had asked Dad to have me come over. Either way you looked at it, it was a bribe. I was getting a new cell phone to go see Jacob. There had to be some type of catch. Something was brewing inside of Dad's brain, and I was not sure that I liked it very much.

"Okay?" I answered questionably.

"Alright. Back to the game." As Dad flopped into the chair, a cloud of dust puffed out of his old, tattered recliner.

The rest of the night I spent investigating Jessica's mom on Google. Maybe I was obsessing over the whole idea, but I had a gut wrenching feeling that Jessica was only using Jacob as a ticket out of this small, incandescent town. Jake could offer her more than what she was worth, and as far as I was concerned, she was worth very, very little – especially if I found out what I thought I already knew. Evidence would be helpful in proving my theories to Jacob. Hopefully, he would see what I saw, and leave her preppy, snobby, cold heart on the ground.

Google offered very little as far as the search for answers was concerned. The only things I could find were websites that you paid to have background or credit checks on the person of interest. In my opinion, that was going a little far. So, I stuck to general searches including Teresa's name, hoping to hell that an obituary would show up.

As much as I would love to prove that Jessica Stanely was a liar, I did not want to hurt Jacob. The situation, if it was what I suspected, would crumble him. I, simply, could not have my best friend broken by someone as irrelevant as Jessica.

With only Teresa's last known address and phone number written down, I logged off of the computer and decided to take the next few hours before sunrise as peacefully as I could. My nerves were already rumbling at the thought of hanging out with Jacob again. I hated that I loved him. I hated it because it had turned me into someone that I wasn't. Before I had figured out my feelings for Jacob, I had never experienced jealousy on the level I had recently. I had not turned into a ball of nerves due to his close proximity. My body never once felt like jell-o when he touched it. Then again, he never really touched me in a noticeable way before my summer visit to Renee's.

I sighed while flopping onto my bed and let my mind question the timeline of everything. What would have happened if Embry had approached me before I left? Would I still have figured out the feelings I had for Jacob? Would Jacob and I have still had sex? What things would be different? Would it all have mattered?

Finally, I made a decision. No matter the timing of things, I would have figured out my feelings when I did. Embry would have been tossed to the back burner, unlike where he was now, and Jacob would have still spouted out that even though he cared for me, he would not act on it.

That fact burned in my chest. The frayed edges of my cracked heart stung. With every beat of my heart, my breath caught somewhere between my chest and my throat. As the air wheezed out of my nose, hot, wet tears dripped from my eyes. Pain blurred my eyes with fear and distance. Distancing me from my feelings had always worked in the past. I had grown accustomed to it growing up with a broken family. It was nothing new to me to not allow myself to feel the real pain, but this was different. It was a different kind of pain. It was the kind of pain that held on tight, constricting your breaths until you were in an altered state of mind.

My foggy mind kept telling me that it was only the beginning of the pain. Things would get worse, and I would have to stay fearless. To work through the rest of what was about to happen, I could not give into the fear. Giving into my fears would only bring me to more pain, to more frustrations.

Tears rolled from the corners of my eyes, down my temples, and into my hair. If this was just the beginning, then what was in the future?

I groaned and tried to shake the thoughts from my head. Hopefully, they would fall out of my ears with each shake and melt into my bed like snow melts in the palm of your hand on a cold winters day. I wasn't so lucky; however, the thoughts did dwindle from a rageful scream to a shady whisper.

_Embry._

His name popped into my head like someone had sent it to me telepathically. If there was someone, up in heaven or invisible whispering in my ear, then I thanked them for giving me a peaceful thought. Like a sugar rush in the middle of the night, Embry's face raced through my mind over and over again. Everything from his chiseled jaw-line, to his soft pouty lips, to his delectable grey eyes, and his charmingly child-like smile sparkled in my mind's eye.

I wished I could call him. I wished I could text. But, it was impossible until I remembered the old invention of a landline phone. I felt like one of those cartoons where the dog gets some amazing idea and a light bulb appears above his head. I rolled my eyes up just to make sure that there was not a glowing light bulb above my head. Satisfied that I hadn't been thrown into some cartoon movie of my life, I grabbed the cordless phone from its cradle in the hall. Shutting my door, promptly, I dialed Embry's number from memory.

"Hello?" His voice was scruffy and deep.

"Hey Em!" I squeaked out with excitement.

"Hey Bells." Embry fed my sugar rush with the hidden excitement in his coy tone. "What's up?"

"Not a lot. Haven't talked to you in a while. Did you get my voice mail?" I picked at the corner of my pointer fingernail with my thumb nail.

"Uh, yeah. I texted you back." He whispered with a desperate hope that I had gotten it.

Angrily, I rolled my eyes at myself. "I left my phone outside a day or so ago, and it got ruined."

"Oh." There was a hint of happiness buried somewhere behind a wall of brick. "Well, it wasn't anything important really."

"Tell me what it said?" I urgently needed to know what his response was to my straight forward, fearless heart.

A few silent seconds passed before he hummed the sweetest sounds into my ear. "I miss you too." I could hear, and almost feel, Embry's smile. My skin shivered at the sweetness he spoke.

I drew a blank. Was I supposed to say something back to him? What could I say?

"I'm glad," floated out my mouth. "And I'm sorry about the dinner on Saturday. I… don't know what happened. I just…"

"It was Jacob." Embry interrupted and corrected my stuttering apology. "I'm sorry too."

Astonished, I blinked a few times. "Why are you sorry?"

"Embry? Are you on the phone? I need your help with…" A soft, concerned female voice surprisingly came through the receiver. It wasn't expected, but I guessed it was his mom.

"Just a second, Bells." The phone clicked on a hard surface. Shuffling and a few curse words made their way from wherever Embry and his mom were to me. "Mom. Stop. No one is there. Have you been… No, Mom, don't pick up…the phone."

"Hello?" A sweet, innocent voice greeted me.

"Hi Ms. Call." I smiled realizing the same sweetness was present in Embry's voice.

"Who is this? Is this the FBI?"

What an odd question to ask. "No, Ms. Call. This is Isabella Swan, Chief Swan's daughter."

"Oh, Isabella! We have to be quiet," she whispered, "We can't say much on the phone. They're tapping us!"

"Give me the phone, Mom." Embry pleaded. The clicking and scuffing of the receiver being tugged back and forth between Embry and his mom was loud in my ear. "Stop!"

I began to understand what Jacob had said about Embry's mom. It made me wonder what her deal was, and if maybe, there was something he wasn't telling me.

"Sorry Bells. I gotta go." A flustered Embry spoke in a darkened voice. I could almost see the anger and frustration on his face. "I'll talk to you some other time. I have to... go … take care of Mom."

"Wait." I whimpered out of need for his pure sweetness.

"Hmm?" A sweetness lingered below the surface of his irritation.

"Can I see you again? Like tomorrow?" Biting into my lip, I wondered what had overcome me in the moments I had been talking to Embry. Where was the over thinking Bella? I couldn't find anything but a fearless, selfish, happy Bella in her place.

"I guess." He didn't seem too thrilled. "Damnit. Would you stop?"

I jumped at the anger in his voice.

"Sorry, Bells. Not you. Meet me at Old Joe's book store around 2."

"Okay. Night Em."

"Night Bells. See you tomorrow."

At 2:00 PM on the dot, I sat down in front of a handsomely groomed Embry. His hair fell into his grey eyes. The coral pink color of his button down shirt brought out the brownish-red tan tone of his skin. Embry stood as I pulled out my chair. It only took him two small steps to reach my side of the table. After he did so, Embry clasped onto the back of my chair with his hands and curtly nodded for me to take a seat. Taking my seat, I inhaled his sweet aroma. Even the way he smelled made put me on a sugar high.

A blush crept up to my cheeks as he kindly pushed my chair in, and returned to his seat. Once he was there, I noticed the somber look in his charcoal eyes. They smoldered with a distant anger, or was it frustration? Either way, he was upset, and I was sure that it had more to do with me than I wanted it to.

"It's really nice to see you again," I spoke quietly, and fidgeted in my seat.

"It's good to see you too." A smile tweaked on his lips. "Do you want something to drink?"

It was with his offer that I remembered the small coffee shop inside of Old Joe's Book Store. We were seated somewhere in the back of the store. Noting only a few people browsing through the book shelves, I felt a bit relieved. At least, I would not be making a fool of myself in front of a whole group of people, who I would have to face sooner or later since the town we lived in was no bigger than a thumbtack.

"I'll take a water."

Embry excused himself to purchase a bottle of water for me, and what looked to be a soda for himself. I wondered if he drank soda more often than not, and if that could be the reason that he was as sweet as the sweetest sugar cane.

He sat the bottle of water on the table in front of me. "So…"

"So." I answered back.

"Why'd you want to see me?" Embry's question reminded me of the question I had asked Jacob a few nights ago. The thought caused me to cringe back in my seat. Was I his Jacob?

"I wanted to talk to you, to see you. And that dinner last weekend was awful. I feel so bad." Trying to make light of the conversation, I laughed softly.

In return, Embry looked up at me through tired eyes. His forehead crinkled and his stare tore straight through me. "Yeah. It was pretty bad." A few seconds passed before he spoke again. "But why feel bad about it?"

I was shocked. Had I not been up front with him about my feelings? "Em, c'mon, you know." I raised an eyebrow at him, hoping that he wouldn't make me say it.

"No, Bella, there are a lot of things I don't know. Why don't you tell me everything?" The flame of anger that had been smoldering when I showed up exploded into a full on wildfire.

"What am I not telling you?" Deep inside of me, I knew that he knew something had transpired between Jacob and me, but to what extent he knew, I had no clue.

"Answer me truthfully, okay?" Embry's grey eyes flared with a burning question.

I nodded.

"Why wouldn't you kiss me after dinner?" Intently, he stared directly at the table.

Truth. He wanted the truth, but I was not exactly sure that he could understand the depths of it. Plus, I didn't know how much I was willing to share with him. One thing I knew for sure was that if I wanted to repair whatever it was I had with Embry that I needed to be one hundred percent honest with him. So, with one name, I answered.

"Jacob."

I watched as his eyes shut slowly, and he squeezed his eyelids together causing his long lashes to fan out.

"So, you two are…"

"No." I interrupted him before he had a chance to humor the idea. "We're not."

"Did you…guys…" He swallowed thickly like there was a ball in his throat. Quickly, Embry looked up to me as I nodded my head, knowing that I was giving him the one answer that could break the entire situation we had.

"Does it matter?" I spoke over the emotions encircling my throat. As it began to close off, I managed to squeak out, "Please, don't let it matter."

My stomach rumbled with an army of butterflies. Their flapping wings tickled the inside of my belly with nervous tension. I felt like crying, like curling up in the corner and disappearing. Embry did not answer. His only response was the scooting of his chair and his standing with an isolated look on his face. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed thickly once more.

"Em," I choked out. Tears burned at the corners of my eyes. "Please." I stood up, and placed my palm on his chest. The tips of my fingers grazed the piece of skin visible through the two buttons left undone. A buzz of electricity shot from his skin to mine. "I…I…I need you…to listen, to try to understand."

"How am I supposed to understand, Bella? All I wanted…" He stopped as his voice began to rise, and the sugary sweetness turned into a sour bitterness.

"I want you too."

"Obviously." He snorted back the aggression. "I have to go."

"Embry!" I cried out as he walked past me. "Don't do this." A few long steps was all it took for me to catch up with his quick, elegant walk. "I need you." He stepped out of the front door and into the rain. It drizzled around him, leaving dark splotches of glistening water wherever it touched. "I'm…sorry!" Embry stopped.

Turning around, I noticed a cloudy film covering his charcoal grey eyes. "Would you understand if you were me?" The bitterness, the anger was gone, and his sweetness returned. "Could you understand?"

"I would try." I answered as honestly as I could. "I would give it everything I had, because there's something about you that brings out the best in me. You make me happy, and I didn't know what that was like until you found me."

Embry took two steps toward me. His hands cupped the sides of my face. His lip quivered as he spoke. "So, if I tried to kiss you right now, you wouldn't back away? You wouldn't wish I was Jacob? You wouldn't see Jacob? You would see me?"

The tears that had burned in the corners of my eyes dripped down my cheeks. They mixed with the rain falling from the cloudy sky above us. His fingertips flirted with the small hairs on the back of my neck as he bent forward, and began to close the space between our lips.

"I only see you, when I'm with you." I closed my eyes. A soft, sugary sweetness met with my plain, damp lips, and was gone much too soon. "Kiss me again," I cried. Most of the tears were for Embry and the sadness I had caused him, but some of them were the uncried tears of Jacob's reluctance. But, I was fearless now. I had spoken everything I had meant to say, and had implied most of what I couldn't.

The warm, cozy feeling his hands made left. A cold gust of wind blew across the wet drops of rain and tears falling down my face. Although I could still faintly feel the ghosting touching of his warm, sweet hands, my skin chilled. His sweetness was gone. The sugar-rush I normally felt when he was around disappeared. With closed eyes, I listened closely in hopes of hearing his sparse breathing, but there was nothing. The only noise was the sound of shuffling feet growing further and further away from me.

My heart beat picked up pace. It beat so fast that the left side of my chest began to ache, throb with rejection. Sluggishly, my eyelids opened, and focused in on Embry's coral pink covered back. Unlike Jacob, he looked straight in front of him as if nothing could hold him back. Tears came faster as the rain picked up from a drizzle to a downpour. The further Embry was from me the more my chest hurt, the more I could feel my heart crumbling.

"Embry," sobbed out of my throat.

For a moment, a split second, he stopped; he hesitated. My heart started to inflate again. The pieces that had broken into a crumble slowly began to place themselves back together. It seemed like he was thinking, like he was not sure that walking away was what he should be doing.

"Don't walk away." I walked toward him.

Embry turned his head slightly, almost like he could feel my approaching presence. His head dropped. Still, he was silent. The slant of his head never changed. He did not look any closer or further away from me. His stagnant stance was both threatening and welcoming.

Just as I was close enough to reach out and touch his back, Embry walked away, leaving a silent resonance in the air, and taking with him the purity of what I needed.

The new found fearlessness inside of me had taken from me everything I wanted. Jacob was more than certain I had nothing he wanted. What I wanted with Jake had taken from me my only chance at happiness. He was the sweet and silent Embry. I was not sure if I would ever see him again. I wanted to. I wanted Embry. I needed Embry. He could save me from myself. He could take over the neglected feelings I had for my best friend.

Being fearless had somehow became a bad thing. I was not going to let it go – no matter what it took from me, because the Bella I had become in the few short weeks I had been home made the older Bella seem like a distant memory. I liked having a grab on my life, my wants, my dreams. Although I was zero for two, I liked putting myself out there and letting my feelings be known.

What had happened with Embry had been tougher to deal with than what happened with Jacob. Embry had somehow carved his own little spot in my heart. My feelings for him ran deeper than I had expected, but the way he made me feel was a beautiful. Never had I felt so amazingly confident and so happy. I owed it all to the short presence of Embry Call.

To think that I had come home from Pheonix betting all of my money on Jacob, thinking that he was the only happiness I could find in life, yet I stood in the cold summer's rain of Forks crying over someone who had been practically invisible to me up until three weeks ago.

I wasn't looking forward to visiting Jacob. My heart would be absent. Not that it was necessarily a bad thing for me to have happen. My heart around Jacob Black was like giving a two year old a baseball bat in a glass factory – everything breakable would be shattered in a matter of moments. So, it was with that on my mind that I made my way from downtown Forks to La Push.

The drive went by unsually fast. I am sure that it had to do with the regretful nature of my thinking. Either way, I was in his drive way within a half hour of Embry walking away. I was an emotional, sloppy mess, soaked head to toe with rain and tears.

I knocked once.

"Hey." Jacob smiled toothily.

I rolled my eyes and walked past him.

"Don't act like you're happy to see me."

The slamming of the door caused the windows to vibrate.

"Jake." I grumbled and slung my hands at my sides. Rain water splattered onto the hardwood floors. "I'm sopping wet. Would you be happy if you were me right now?"

"Depends on what kind of wet we're talkin' about." He raised his eyebrow at me, then winked. There was something creepy about his actions.

"Creep." I huffed.

"Grump." He growled. "I was jokin', Bells. What's got you all pissed off?"

Tears threatened to fall from my eyes at the simple thought of Embry's decision to walk away from me, but I held them back. "I'm not pissed." I turned around, facing Jacob, only to be greeted with a blurry version of his face. Apparently, I had not held them at bay as well as I had hoped.

Within a few strides, Jake was standing in front of me, wrapping his arms around me. He kissed my cheek. I rested my chin on his shoulder. As two hot tears dripped from my eyes onto his tanned skin, I kissed his shoulder, but not in a sexual nature. It comforted me and held my breaking heart hostage.

"Is this about…"

"No, it's not about you," I cried.

Jake pulled back. His onyx eyes stared at my face. "Embry?"

I nodded with a sob at the sound of his name.

"Did you tell him?" Jake whispered.

I nodded. "I had to. I couldn't lie to him. I couldn't! I'm losing everything Jake! Everything! All because of… "

"Me." A darkness floated through Jacob's eyes as they dilated. He fixated on something behind me. "Embry's better for you. He'll forgive you." Jake turned.

With a coldness surrounding him, he started to walk out of the door. That was when I lost all control of my anger, of my feelings, of my sadness. Thick tears dripped out of my eyes. My chest burned with all of the sadness, all of the pain that I had felt over the passing week. Not one thing had gone right. Nothing had. Even though I tried harder than I ever had before to let my fear go, I had somehow managed to instill fear in everyone that I loved.

"Jake! Stop!" I yelled as he hopped over the two steps of his porch, but he continued walking. He swayed heavily back and forth. A heaviness loitered around him. I caught up to him with a quick jog. Grabbing his arm, I tugged him in my direction.

Jacob stopped. With a deep, regretful growl, he turned and eyed me. His eyes were blacker than black. They were nothing like the eyes of my best friend. There was something there, something dark inside of him, something that was about to turn my world upside down.

I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach like I had the day I returned from Renee's. My stomach churned and flopped with the hateful glares coming from my once loving best friend.

"Bella. Just go home. Alright?" A twitching snarl sparked a fear inside of me.

"You wanted me here. Why did you want me here?" Hoping to get through to my Jacob, I yelled. "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm not good for you, Bells. Just go home. This is over."

The darkness that had overtaken my best friend seemed to all but disappear. There was a sadness left behind in his eyes. A regretful tone argued with my reasoning.

"You can't just break-up with me, Jake! You're my best friend."

"No, I'm not. I was. A long time ago, but I'm not anymore. Everything's changed Bella. Even you. I can't keep doin' this! I can't keep hurtin' you." The softness of his voice had come back, but it was still disguised with the darkness that he was fighting against.

"You're hurting me now! Can't you see that?"

He laughed angrily. "It doesn't matter now. Whatever we had is gone. Done. I can't, Bells. I just can't. So, please, just go home and don't come back. I'll just keep hurtin' you if you don't."

"What?" My words escaped me in a sob. Tears fell from my eyes like water from a faucet. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't feel. All I could do was feel the pain and the fearless side of me begin to disintegrate. "That doesn't make sense."

"Doesn't matter." Quickly, Jake turned his back on me, but I grabbed his arm again. This time, I begged him to stay, to choose me instead of Jessica.

"Please, Jake, don't do this." The waterfall of salty tears could barely be seen from the downpour of rain surrounding us. "I'm better for you. I can do better. I can be better. Look what she's done to you! You cut your hair. You're leaving your best friend in the dust. And for what? A lie! A lie that she told you so that she could get the hell out of this town! She's using you, Jake!"

He laughed darkly. "Figures you'd think this was all about Jessica. But, it doesn't matter. I'm done. I'm so done! Leave, Bella. Leave now, and don't turn back."

With that said, my best friend, my heart, my soul, walked away from me. He left me in a puddle of rain, tears, and blood. No matter what I had shared with him, no matter where we had been, it did not matter anymore. I could blame that on my fearless heart.


	9. Fear

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening** – Howard Shore – Jacob's Theme; E.S. Posthumus – Nara; Alexandre Desplat – Dreamcatcher; The Fray – Hundred.

**Present Day**

**Jacob**

The screen paused on an image of Bella's tear covered face. Though the rain had come down full force that day, her tears were still very visible to me. In this moment, I could feel them rolling down my own cheeks. Her pain was my pain.

Seeing it all happen again, watching it with my own eyes, made me question why I had made that decision. It seemed to come out of nowhere to Bella, and getting to feel how she felt tripled the regret. I had made a dumb, split-second decision to end our friendship. It seemed logical. I understood then, but not now. My heart hurt at the mere thought of ending our friendship today, yesterday, a month ago.

What had I been thinking? The hurt I caused her then seemed larger in my head than what it actually was. Perhaps, my own ego had boosted me somewhere I was not, somewhere I thought I had been. By the time I had figured out that she loved me, I was drowning. Bella being the water filling my lungs, and she being the oxygen I so desperately needed to survive.

All I have ever wanted for Bella was happiness. Contentment suited her. It made her skin glow, and her eyes twinkle. She wore her happiness on her sleeve. I cringed with shame at my willingness to throw everything we had down the drain. The sadness that had exploded inside of her was not reparable, but I was not the only culprit to her pain. Embry had walked away. He had taken with him a side of Bella that only came out on rare occasions. It was a side of her that only Charlie and I had the privy to see. Embry brought out the confident, carefree part of her. He was good for Bells. I knew it. That was one of the reasons I had let go.

I let go so she could be happy.

She had been everything to me, and I had messed it up by sleeping with her. I blamed myself for letting it all go too far. Sure, I had been in control of my actions, but there was an aura about the night Bella gave me her virginity. My mind worked on a far more inferior level than my heart. Things were going to change. I knew it when Embry bailed to go home, because his mom had gone off of her medication. In the car when Bella mentioned considering her was the turning point of the night.

_I slowly opened the door, and peered through the crack. Bella was sleeping restlessly. Leaning my weight on the door, I gazed at the girl I called my best friend. Her hands were gripping the sheets of my bed, and her lips mumbled some random syllables. Bella let out a soft cry. Concern pulled me through the door and to the edge of my bed. I hated it when she had nightmares. If there was anything I could do, then I would do it, but nothing seemed to work. Even when I would sleep next to her, I would wake up with either a bloody nose or bruised ribs. It wasn't too often that Bella and I slept in the same bed anymore. She whined again. I lifted my hand and placed it on her arm. That seemed to calm her gasping breaths._

_Her skin was warm, and soft – so soft. I ran my hand up her arm. The path I had chosen was already mapped out in my brain. I connected each freckle from her hand, to her elbow, to her shoulder, to her neck. _

"_Bella." Her name fell from my lips in a hushed whisper. My hand cupped her shoulder and gently moved her back and forth. My intent was only to wake her, to stop her nightmare in its tracks._

"_Hmm?" Bella drew her lip into her mouth. My breath quickened. That was when my mind changed. A flash of images from earlier in the evening flooded my brain. I remembered the way her body responded to my floating hand. I had not touched her skin at the time, but I had wanted to. Bella needed to know what she did to me – physically. Emotionally was in question._

_From its resting position, my hand drifted up Bella's shoulder, and hovered over her cheek. I scooted closer to her, finding it quenched that needy thirst in the pit of my stomach. A fire started in my chest and began to spread as I studied the way her lips seemed to draw a perfectly straight line, to the way her eyelashes flirted with her cheeks._

"_Bells." _

"_Yeah?"_

"_Open your eyes." I tried to steady my hand. Although when her eyes drifted open, it shook on its own free will. The look in her eyes was painful to see, but I noticed it before she could draw it back inside._

_Swiftly, I planted my lips on hers. I had only anticipated on kissing her to prove to her that she was considered, but once I felt her soft lips, I was uncontrollable. The friendship filter inside of my head been long forgotten. My hands drifted, caressed, and lingered across her skin until the urge to see her creamy skin became unbearable. _

_Bella had taken me by surprise when she took her shirt off. It was then that I knew where the situation was heading. Honestly, I was okay with it. With all of the change that had been thrown in our direction, I wanted to share something together. I wanted a part of me to always be with Bella, and a part of Bella to always be with me. No matter where we found ourselves after high school, we would always have that night. It may have been a dickhead move, but I was a teenage boy. It was how my thought process went. Everything somehow equaled sex._

_I had known Bella was a virgin. We were best friends after all. Yet, as Bella tensed up, I was taken aback. The questions I had were more for Bella's well-being. I knew I could handle taking a step in that direction without it interfering with our friendship. I was not so sure that she could. _

"_Bella?" I asked in a quiet whisper._

_In reply, she nodded her head assuring me that we would be okay. _

"_Please. I want this." Bella begged with swollen, red lips._

"_Me too." _

_I wanted her to be in as little pain as possible. I had done this before, and knew it was not likely. I wanted to give her some type of release - something to grab, to scream into. And she did. Her nails dug into the tops of my shoulders, and her teeth scrapped my chest. It kept her scream muffled enough that only I could hear it. It was still ear-splitting, like she was being torn in two. Bella's shriek sent jolts of confidence through my veins. Being inside of her was like heaven. She fit perfectly around me. Even once she had adjusted to me, her walls still fit like a glove. _

_The barrier between us was unnerving. I wanted to feel her skin against mine, but I was not ready to be a father. That would ruin the rest of my life for sure. I kept with it though, and found that after a while all I could think about was being inside of Bella and how much that satisfied me._

_When she came, it felt like someone had given me a million dollar reward. I had never been so gratified in my life, and it didn't take long for me to follow suit._

The talk we shared later in the night was something I had not counted on happening. I had figured Bella wanted more from me than what we already had. I, on-the-other-hand, was perfectly fine with where we were. We had shared more experiences and firsts together than any other best friends I knew. The things we did together were natural. They felt like the right path to be following, but the need to help Jessica was much louder than what I had with Bella. It sounded wrong that I felt the way I did, but I knew what it was like to have to deal with the loss of a parent alone. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

The following morning, when Bella and I had sex for a second time, I did not think twice. My soul acted by its own free will. It satiated my needs. It quenched an unrelenting thirst that had been lingering inside of me for years. And, Bella, well, she was nothing but spectacular. My heart warmed in her presence.

Our daily actions changed then. Whenever I was around Bella, I wanted to kiss her, to touch her, to comfort her. I did for the most part. And I apologized to her as much as I could, because I could see the hurt I caused. The last thing I wanted to do was inflict more emotional pain on her than she had already experienced.

Explaining the things I did about Jessica seemed to be the right move, in my head at least. I had not counted on Bella being so adamant about Jessica being a liar. It unnerved me. A part of me thought she was only jealous, and that jealousy was why she was being so unpleasant. However, a small piece of me wanted to believe Bella. She was my best friend, and would never mislead me - at least not intentionally.

Watching Bella interact with Embry was unsettling. He either held her hand, or touched her thigh when Bella seemed to get lost inside of her head. The looks she gave him were sweet and hopeful. Yet, when she looked at me there was a brighter something in her eyes. It was almost as if they lightened a shade or two when I was in her line of sight. That put aside whatever fear that lingered below the surface about Embry. I knew then that he was important to her just not as important as me.

When Bells confessed to me that she wished her life was like a dream, it hurt. My chest seemed to cave in a little, but then she regressed by saying that she did not want it all to be a dream. To say that she was confusing me was well understated. Not only had she confided in me about her hopeful wishing, but she had also nearly lost all control when I cut my hair off.

It was not that important of a move, but I chopped it off to please Jess. I would have done anything she asked me to during that time. I did. Bella knew too. I think that was what upset her so much. She must have wondered why Jessica was so important to me that I would do something so dramatic for her. In my head, I did it for Jessica out of niceness. In reality, I did it out of guilt.

I swallowed sharply, and rested my elbows on my knees. My head fell forward, and I pressed my fists into my temples. It was quiet. Nothing like the last time the movie had paused. Mom had given me the third degree over my decisions, thoughts, feelings, and lack-there-of. I could use her input.

I turned to find the seat next to me, which was usually occupied by Mom, empty and bare. My heart cracked in my chest. My fear became uncompromising as it fell from my brain, was absorbed into my veins, and spread through my body by the beat of my heart. It caused me to jump from my seat. As I stood, I turned toward where I had been sitting, and glanced to the seat next to me that seemed to have never been occupied.

Was I going crazy? It felt like it. After all, I was watching a movie about my nearly dead best friend, and having discussions with my dead mother about the life I had blindly lived. And all for what? To bring truth? To make me realize that I had been living a lie? To show me the error of my ways?

Pulling my lip into my mouth, I bit down anxiously. Was God teaching me a lesson? There had to be something I was supposed to learn. Sure, sure. I had to make a choice after watching my best friend live her life; however, the choice I had seemed unfair. But, was my choice really as black and white as I had thought?

Love and fear.

"What does that mean?" I mumbled aloud.

"When you love someone, it is a glorious feeling. Their happiness becomes the center of the world. Your love, the love that flows so deep inside you it feels like it has been branded into your bones, is suddenly the only thing keeping them alive. You become their sun. Their soul depends on you to survive. Their body breathes you in and soaks you up until you become a permanent part of them. Your souls intertwine in an eternity long dance. And if you're lucky, you never lose that feeling. You never forget those first few moments of breath or the last few moments of life. Instead, you grow with the knowing that love surpasses everything; that love surpasses the fear of letting go, of becoming who you were meant to be. It's in those moments of choice, that the truth exposes itself to us in the most important of ways: raw and untamed."

A wind seemed to whisper the answer to me. Though the voice was familiar, it was not whom I expected. The soft wisps and whooshes of air made the voice practically inaudible, but Bella's voice would always carry with it a timbre that I could hear from a mile away. Still, I was curious as to why Bella would say something like that, and who was she talking to when she said it?

"No one." Mom's voice caused me to spin on my heel.

"Can you hear everything I think?" I asked, hoping that she could not. It would be beyond embarrassing.

"No," she laughed. "I'm only here when you need me to be here. I can only hear or see the things you want me to."

"Really?"

"It's that simple," she responded with a nod of her head.

"So, you're here now, because I wanted you to be? And you didn't see," I hesitated, trying to think of the proper wording, "any of what happened there?"

"I'm here now, because you need me to be here. Not because you want me to be. And I saw mostly everything that happened. But not _that._" Mom accentuated "that", so that I understood she knew what happened.

"Oh." I blushed deeply. My face was burning. It was weird and embarrassing that Mom knew what transpired between Bella and me. "That's weird."

"Jake," she sighed. "I only know _that's_ what happened, because I am a parent. I may not have been there physically, but I was and still am always going to be your Mom." She stopped talking, and glared in my general direction. "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know what happens when you let two seventeen year olds sleep in the same room. ESPECIALLY, when they're as close as you and Bella were. You father should be shot for being so… open minded."

I laughed. She was right. I had only been a parent for a few days, but I knew better. If my daughter had a boy over at seventeen, he would not be sleeping in the same room as her, no matter if they were best friends or not.

I was still perplexed with what the wind had whispered to me. "When you said Bella said that love stuff to no one, then why did I just hear it?"

"She wanted you to." Mom stated matter-of-factly.

"So, if I wanted her to hear something I said, could she?" I raised my brows in question.

"It doesn't really work that way, Jake. You see, you're here for a reason. You're hearing, seeing, learning all of this, because you're running out of time. Time has always been on your side. You've had ample opportunities to see, hear, learn all of this on your own, but you never took advantage of it – until now. You're fear, Jacob, is what has brought you to this moment, this time, this place, this divine intervention."

"My fear?" I questioned, not quite understanding everything.

"What are you afraid of the most?" Mom's hand floated to my shoulder and rested there. Her touch cooled my skin even through my shirt.

"N-n-n-nothing really." I stuttered, while she guided us back to our seats.

Mom simply gave me the stink eye, and took a seat. I began to think of what I was scared of, and what my reasons for being here were. They correlated somehow. I just had to figure it all out.

"I, I guess I'm afraid of losing everything. I'm afraid my daughter won't get what she needs or even what she wants. I'm afraid that I'll have to raise her alone, that she'll never get to mean the amazing woman who carried her for nine months." Then it dawned on me. It began pitter-pattering in my chest. I cleared my throat. "The one thing I'm scared of the most is not having Bella in my life."

Mom looked at me proudly, and grasped my chin. "Your fear, my son, is Bella."

That couldn't be right. My fear was not Bella. My fear was her not being in my life. I had lost her once before, and that would never happen again.

"How is it Bella? I'm not afraid of Bella. I'm afraid that I have nothing to give! She's given me so much, and what do I have? What? Money? That's not what she deserves!" I was getting angry. A fire started to burn in my stomach. I clenched my jaws together, and tried to breathe. "You know. I'm in a fucked up situation. Here I am, alone, but not alone. I have a daughter, who counts on me whether I want her to or not, and I have a best friend, who deserves to have so much more than I can give her. It's not fair. Why do I have to choose between my daughter and my… The choice isn't right! I can't choose between them." My thoughts rambled out of my head in a jumbled up mess.

"Shh. Jacob." Mom's hand rubbed up and down my shoulder. She was trying to settle the fears now bellowing out of me, but wasn't that what she wanted? She wanted to know my fears. "You're choice isn't between your daughter and Bella."

I jerked my head toward her. "What do you mean? I thought that was why I was here! Don't I have to choose one or the other? You can't have your cake and eat it too! Isn't that what you and Dad always taught me?"

I had to calm down before I started to curse in front of a literal angel. Deep breaths seemed to help a bit, but I was still agitated. Mom's comforting touch seemed to help a little. A soft laugh caused the fire to reignite in my stomach. My hands shook. My body quaked under the stress I was being put under.

"Please," I begged. "Tell me how it's not a choice between Bella and the baby. I fear messing up when it comes to my daughter, and I…" As the words came into my mind via my heart, I stopped. If I feared our daughter, then did it mean I _loved_ Bella?

Mom squeezed my arm. I stared at the black concrete floor of the theater. The fire in my stomach had diminished completely, but there was a nervousness, a burning in my veins that spread with every beat of my heart. I knew I loved Bella, I did. She was my best friend. She had been there for me through thick and thin, but was I _in love_ with her?

The question formed a film over my brain. I could not think of anything else. All I could do was feel the beat of my heart.

"Mom?" My voice shook nervously, and I shifted my gaze from the floor to her. She had a soft, pleasant smile on her face. With a nod of her head, the movie screen blinked white a few times before the movie started again. "Do I? I mean, I can't. There isn't. It's not possible."

"Shhh." She whispered. "Watch. There's still time."


	10. Breathe

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening: **Selena Gomez – The Way I Loved You; Taylor Swift – Breathe; Secondhand Serenade – Why; Sara Bareilles – Gravity

His face haunted me. The memories he left behind shattered me like a rock through a window pane. Anxiety enveloped my very being. Breathing seemed almost like a duty, but it was all I did. I took up space and breathed. Reactions, thoughts, feelings were all a thing of the past.

Inhale. Exhale.

As time passed, even breathing started to become unbearable. It became an optional afterthought. I had no one. The person who I had once counted on for survival ducked out of my life. He left me with nothing. Colors seemed to become dreary and dull. The sun was not as warm as it used to be, and the moon never seemed to be visible in the cloudy night sky. Life no longer had a meaning all because I had fallen in love with someone I could never fully have.

My insides were tangled up. The future seemed an out of reach dream. An ache was constant in my chest. I knew there would be no one else like Jake. I loved him in every way possible. No matter how much it hurt, I cherished that.

Thinking of Jake's absence drove a white hot skewer threw my heart. It hurt far more than the loss I felt for Embry, but I had not loved Embry as I had Jacob. I hated myself for not telling Jacob exactly how I felt. I kicked myself nightly when the memory replayed over and over again.

"_I care about you, too."_

I cringed back into my chair and continued to stare out of my bedroom window. It was the same window he had crawled in the night of my welcome home "party". It was the same window he used almost nightly up until four months ago. Maybe, if I closed my eyes, then the visions would stop. Maybe his tanned skin would not glisten in the dim light of my room. Perhaps his dark eyes would no longer stare at my soul. And, maybe, his smile wouldn't make me feel complete.

Closed eyes still brought images of his smile. The warming presence he carried seemed to linger about. It hurt to be in my own room. The place I called a sanctuary was not safe from the memories of Jacob Black.

A large part of me believed Jacob would climb through my window late one night while I was asleep. I found myself moving the chair from the corner of my room to the window. My hope grew during the day. At night, it dwindled to nearly nothing as I watched my bedroom window for any sign of him. And when my eyes drew heavy, I would curl up into my chair and sleep as lightly as possible.

He never showed. A small slice of me knew that he would keep his word. It hurt. It hurt more than anything to know I was the last person on his mind. Jake was my best friend. "Was" being the operative word.

It felt like no time had passed. The moments I had spent in my bedroom waiting by the window had been mere seconds to me, but in reality, it had been weeks. School had started. Senior year was supposed to be our year to share together. It was the last year we had to ourselves before the real world came crashing down upon us. All I wanted, all I hoped for was to share my life with Jacob.

The first day of school proved to be an obstacle in itself. Not only had I spent the night curled up in my chair with my phone clutched tightly to my chest just in case he called, but I had also been interrogated by Chief Swan the following morning.

"Where's Jacob?" he asked earnestly. The news paper crinkled as he turned the page.

"I don't know." I mumbled, poking at the floating marshmallows in my cereal.

"What do you mean you don't know? Doesn't he pick you up on the first day of school?" Charlie folded the open newspaper down so that he could see my sorrow filled look.

"I don't know where Jacob is, Charlie! If you're so worried about him, why don't you call and ask him yourself!" Slamming my spoon down, I grabbed my backpack off of the floor and darted out to my car.

Traditions were broken. Hope began to evaporate into thin air. Was this really over? Was my best friend really done with me? Jacob said he did not want to hurt me. What was happening was far more hurtful than anything he had done previously.

I had not thought about school or how I would handle seeing Jacob again. That is until I pulled into the parking lot, and saw his big red truck with the empty space next to it. With the small amount of students in attendance and the amount of students who drove being around the same number, the school had forced us to be assigned spots. Since Jacob and I had gone together, our parking places were side by side.

As I pulled into my assigned spot, I noticed the well-known, usually friendly group of Quileutes walking in my direction. They were lead by none other than Jacob. Walking haphazardly behind Jake was Embry. Seeing the two of them together was crushing. Their outward appearances were oddly telling. Jacob was well put together. His thick black hair was spiked into a makeshift mo-hawk. He was laughing and walking with the same hop in his step. Jacob looked as though he could not be happier. The thought unnerved me.

Embry, on the other hand, was a disheveled mess. His cares seemed to be elsewhere. The disgruntled look on his face was far more depressing than the smile on Jacob's face. The darkness in Embry's eyes when they glanced up from the asphalt to mine broke me.

My chest began to burn. Butterflies began to flap their wings in my stomach. The closer they came, the more nervous I became until my hands were visibly shaking. Embry's gaze settled in my path. Quickly, I gathered what little bit of stuff I had and exited my car.

I could feel their eyes staring at me, but I kept my head down. Hopefully, if I walked fast enough, then I could deflect their stares. As I scurried toward the steps, the door to Jacob's truck creaked open. Their mumbling and random laughter came to a crashing halt when there was no look, no spoken word, nothing transpiring between Jacob and me. The thought only made me walk faster, because if I knew Paul, then he would say something without hesitation.

"Bella, baby, where you going? We're over here." Paul called out, stopping me dead in my tracks.

Frozen securely in place, my body became rigid with unease. The air caught in my throat as it constricted around my windpipe. I had to think fast. I had to relax. After all, it was only the first day of school. How did I expect to survive senior year if I could not?

Slowly turning around, I peeked through the strands of my hair at the group. I would miss them and their ungodly amount of jokes about everyone and everything. Who I would miss the most was stationary at the door of his truck. He seemed to be stricken with panic. Was he afraid I would mention the fact that he had ended everything between us?

When the tears started to sting in the corners of my eyes, I moved my stare toward the person next to him. Embry's head hung, but his gaze was upon me. The way he looked at me was almost of sorrow, like he wanted to apologize for Paul's quick words. It was not Paul's fault. He did not know the circumstances silently drifting around the three of us. I swallowed thickly. To pretend that all was well would be a difficult task, but I could do it. With a straight spine and a determined face, I faced them, knowing that it would be the last thing Jacob would expect.

"Oh, I'm running late. I promised Mrs. Elker I would come in and help her setup the Biology Lab. Maybe some other time."

"Alright. Later Bella." Paul waved and turned his attention back to a still stationary Jacob. Before I turned around again, I took another look at Embry. His concentration seemed to be solely on me. His face held no emotion, but I could almost read everything in his eyes. With a nod of his head, Embry joined in on the conversation his friends were having without him.

That was how my senior year started. It became a routine for me to find some excuse to not be around them. Yet no matter how many times I had made myself scarce, I always seemed to find Embry standing in the shadows. His persistent presence felt unpredictably sheltering like something from my old life had carried over into my new, lonely one. I wanted nothing more than to talk to him, to say something, but hadn't I said enough?

Life had become more intricate. Weaving in and out of random people standing in the halls kept me secluded. The seclusion nursed the hurt in my soul. It helped me remain a ghost to the two Quileute guys, who had somehow dug their way into my heart. One, I identified as love, comfort, familiarity. The other became what I saw as a chance at happiness, experience, and need. It became more obvious that I did not want to lose either of them. Yet, there I stood in the middle of a dark hallway staring at them both. They were laughing. Their smiles were brighter than the fluorescent lights overhead.

I swallowed. My class was on the other side of them. Avoiding their attention was next to impossible. If I could keep my head down, then perhaps they would not recognize me. The previous few weeks of school had been successful in my attempts to evade their presence. For the most part, Jacob ignored any thought of me. At least, that was how it felt. However, Embry, he seemed to be around every corner or in every class. It almost seemed as if he were keeping his eye on me. The idea was not a surprising one. He had been the one to step up when Jacob walked away the day I came home from Renee's.

Just as I had rounded up enough courage to humor the idea of walking passed them, Quil perked up and waved.

"Hey Bella! We're over here."

My heart fell to my feet. Jacob and Embry both turned their eyes toward me. Their stares were dim, distant, and full of question. Jacob squinted. Embry lifted his brows. I gasped and looked around in every direction, trying to find a way out. Fate just happened to be on my side that day.

To the right was the women's restroom. Thankfully, I bolted through the door and leaned against the cold concrete wall. Breathing was complicated. Air came out in thin, quiet pants.

"God, please." I whispered, looking toward the ceiling while I prayed. "Don't do this to me."

As those last words flew out of my mouth, obnoxiously loud giggling came from the sinks which were on the other side of the wall from me.

"Jess, you are so bad! I can't believe you told him that." The chipmunk like voice squeaked. I scowled, but my attention was peaked.

"It worked." Jessica Stanley snottily replied. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

"Oh c'mon, Jess," a familiar voice argued, "you know he's going to figure it out! I mean, what are you going to do for Christmas break? Don't you visit your Mom then?"

Who was that? I knew the voice, but I could not put a name to it.

"What's the matter, Ang. Are you jealous that none of the Quileutes have a thing for dorks?" Jessica laughed. All of her minions followed suit. Their laughs were fake and drawn out. I felt bad for the girl they were talking to, but still, I had not figured out exactly who she was.

If I had been more aware of what was going on, I would have defended the girl they referred to as Ang, but my mind was elsewhere. Not only had I deflected the Quileutes, but Jessica had put her foot in her mouth with me only a few feet away. If I approached Jacob, would he believe me? Would he trust me enough to know that I was not trying to steal him away from Jessica? She was only worming her way into his life, because she saw the potential I already knew he had.

"No. I'm not jealous." Ang spat. "I would rather have a guy like me for who I was than for some awful lie I told him about my mom. Wonder what Jacob Black would have to say if I told him the truth." The vengeance Ang spoke with was frightening.

"Angela," Jessica laughed with a sinister giggle, "do not threaten me. I made you. I can make you no one again. If it wasn't for me and Lauren, then you would be a silent nobody just like Bella Swan."

"Whatever happened to that girl anyway? Wasn't she like with Jacob last year?" Lauren, the one who sounded like a chipmunk, questioned in a way that made me feel expendable.

"No. They weren't together. They were best friends. **Were** best friends. I took care of that too."

"Jess, you are so bad." Another voice sniggered. "You're Michael Jackson bad."

I rolled my eyes and sunk back into the wall. I had nowhere to go and only hoped that the bell would ring before Jessica and her vicious group of little minions left the restroom. However, I could hear the shuffling of their expensive designer bags and the smacking of their over-glossed lips, which meant they had primped enough to remain hideously beautiful for the next ninety minutes. I wondered how much Spackle it took to make Jessica and her snobby friends look the way they did.

"Alright, girls, let's get out there. My ticket out of this lame ass town is probably wondering where I am," Jessica sarcastically said.

What was I going to do? If they saw me standing here, then they would know I was listening. They would know that the first chance I had I would be informing Jacob of his girlfriend's true intentions. That would pit Jacob against me. I would have no chance, no hope of rescuing our friendship.

I spun left. I spun right. There was nothing but brick, wall, and paint. What was I supposed to do? I had to keep my cool. I had to pretend like I had just come into the bathroom. Quickly, I snuck out of the door, then re-entered making sure the door slammed behind me. As I rounded the corner of the mini-hallway, I took a deep breath and pasted a fake smile across my face. It was as fake as Jessica's breasts were going to be in ten years.

"Hi Jessica." I chirped like sun shined out of her ass.

"Bella! Hi. We were just talking about you." Her glistening white teeth sparkled in the light.

I fought off the urge to slap her. "Oh. Nice to know." Walking toward the last bathroom stall, I noticed the girl they referred to as Ang leaning against the back wall. I smiled at her. "All good things I hope."

"Of course! I was just saying how you and Jacob never seem to hang out anymore." Her voice was like nails sliding down a chalkboard. "Why is that?" Her group of minions followed as she walked closer to the door. No doubt, she was avoiding the conversation.

"You know, things happen." I shrugged with a smirk.

"Like what?" She pretended to be concerned.

I gave her a gawking expression. "C'mon Jess. _Things._ Don't make me go into it. You know how Jake is with his privacy. Or don't you?"

Jessica's phony smile dropped from her face. Disgusted, she looked me up and down. I quirked my eyebrow at her just as the bell rang.

"Well, I have to get to class. Nice talking to you, Bella." Her voice trailed off as she walked toward the door. "Not." Her high-pitched ringing tone echoed off of the walls as her stupid minion friends giggled along with her.

Like she had been holding her breath the entire time, the girl leaning against the wall exhaled. "God, I hate her."

I laughed and sat my bag on the sink. "Yeah. Me too."

"You were listening the whole time weren't you?" She pushed herself off of the wall. A few steps later, she was standing next to me, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I stared back and shrugged. "And what was with that innuendo? Did you and Jacob, ya know? I mean I know you guys were close, but I didn't think you were _that_ close."

Dumbfounded that this girl would think that I would possibly confide in her, I dug through my bag for my lip balm. "C'mon. I'm not going to tell you anything. You're friends with her."

"And you're sleeping with the enemy," she laughed, then stuck her hand out. "I don't think we've been properly introduced. I'm Angela Weber."

Not able to deny the adamant dislike of Jessica any longer, I shook Angela's hand with a smile on my face. "Hi. I'm not sleeping with the enemy, by the way."

"No, but you did." She pushed her glasses up her nose a bit. Without a response to her statement, Angela said, "I get that you don't trust me. I probably haven't been super nice to you, but that's not me. That's not who I really am."

I simply nodded my head in acknowledgment.

"Well, I better get to class. It was nice not talking to you, Bella Swan."

"Yup," I replied, coldly.

The rest of the day flew by. Homework was assigned. Tests were taken. Lectures were given, and I could not remember a single thing that went on. My mind reeled with ways to explain to Jacob what I had heard in the bathroom. It was my duty as his best friend, or ex-best friend, to tell him the truth. Feelings were disregarded. The past weeks were long forgotten. All that mattered was that Jacob understood the truth to his relationship. I was unsure if he and Jessica were actually dating, but still, he deserved to know what was really going on.

Courage built up over time. It had been days since I had heard Jessica's truths. A piece of me wanted to tell Jacob right way, but the rest of me had to build up enough strength to talk to him again. Would he believe me? I hoped so. _My_ Jacob would believe me, but this guy who dated the head cheerleader was not my Jacob.

The idea of Jessica and Jacob being together again made me wince. Jacob had never explained why he felt Jessica needed to get her shit together, but obviously, that idea flew out of the window along with our friendship. He had, essentially, done everything she wanted him to do. Jessica was Jacob's puppet master, and I held the scissors of her possible demise. It was left up to her puppet to see the truth.

I tried texting him several times, but I could not find it in me to push the send button. Texting sensitive information like that was a bad idea. I understood that. I was just being a coward. Jacob would be happy to see me. He would let me back in. We could be best friends again. It was all possible.

Late on a Thursday evening, I drove to La Push with my mind set on telling Jacob everything. It took all that I had in me to turn up his road. Once I arrived at the turn off for his house, the nerves kicked in and I bailed. My foot pressed the gas pedal of my slow-as-a-snail car to the floorboard. The end of the road was dark, misty, and eerie. Nonetheless, I parked the car and thought about what I was doing. Was it really a good idea for me to tell him everything when he knew I cared so much about him? Would it matter that I had no proof? After all, it was only my word against hers. But, Jake and I had one thing Jessica didn't. We had a past. He knew he could trust me. At least that was what I hoped.

A half hour and a pep talk later, I found myself pulling into Jacob's driveway. The house was dark, but light glowed through the cracks and missing boards of his old dilapidated garage. I knew if I allowed myself to think, then I could back out again. So, I took an encouraging breath and got out of the car.

The walk to his garage was familiar. It eased the building anxiety a bit. Everything seemed so surreal. I was afraid to talk to my best friend about something important. I was worried that he would not believe me. I was nervous that he would tell me to leave when he saw me. Then, there were the million questions roving around in my mind and the sputtering of my heart in my chest. My limbs were shaking. Fear constricted my breathing. What was I doing? I had no proof, nothing tangible, to show him that I wasn't making everything up. I may have missed my best friend more than I had ever missed anyone in this world, but I was not desperate. Panic and fear overcame me. A grim fog filled my brain.

The tears in my eyes went unbeknownst to me until Jacob came into blurry view. His garage door was ajar just enough for the light to make the ground glow in a soft shade of yellow. I stopped. My legs would carry me no further. The rest of the walk, the walk I was gradually beginning to regret, would have to be done consciously and without restraint. I was here to protect my best friend even if he did not want me to be his.

As quietly as I could, I ventured through the door. Jake's back was facing me. Tools clanked against each other while he fished for whatever device he needed. He was working on the dirt bike he had mentioned to me before I left for Arizona. Glancing around the garage, I noticed one finished bike sitting in the corner. My heart tripled its speed. Was that a bike for me?

When the thought hit my brain, I exhaled a loud, lonely breath. Jake turned his head to the side. His immediate reaction to my presence was a tightened, stand-offish stance. I watched him breathe. It quickened when I took a step closer, and it slowed when I stopped. I wanted to say something, but couldn't. The words failed to leave my lips. He kept his back to me, and pretended that what he needed was still in the toolbox, but I knew better. Jake was avoiding me. Pretending that I was not there would get him nowhere.

"Hey." I had not realized I even said anything until my voice was floating in the air between us.

"Hi." Jake's voice came out a weak version of itself. His attention was diverted to everything in the garage but me.

Awkward. It was _awkward_ between us. When? How?

"What brings you to these parts now-a-days?" he asked. His eyes darted toward me. I guess he hoped my concentration was elsewhere. Below the surface of his question lofted another one. I was sure he wanted to know if Embry had come around.

"I c-came to see y-you." The syllables shook off of my tongue. I tensely stiffened when Jake turned. He kept his eyes low, and bit down on his bottom lip with a nod. I knew that reaction. Jacob was unsure, angry, and distancing himself even further from me.

"Why?" Austerely, Jake questioned. His expression was soft and kind. I saw so much of my Jacob there.

Was now a good time to tell him about Jessica? Would it be easier if I tried to be friends with him first before I told him? My head spun with questions I should have thought of before I decided to come in the first place.

"I-I don't know, Jake. I guess, because, I-I miss my best friend." It was hard to say the obvious truth.

Another nod of his head was the only response he chose to give me. It was slowly torturing me. "Do you not…"

"Of course I do." Jacob sternly spoke with an intense desire to shake the doubts from my head.

Both of us were on the same page causing the uneasiness between us to slide away. In the back of my mind remained the idea I had about Jessica and what I had heard in the bathroom. How would I convey myself in a way that would allow Jake to realize how much I wanted him to be my friend? But, the answer never came. Instead, I watched Jake tighten nuts and bolts, adjust the throttle, and change the oil in the dirt bike. With the passing time came comfort, but also my goal. I had to tell him. What kind of friend would I be if I did not?

Jake was wiping down a ratchet with an old, dirty, red cloth when what I wanted to say started to gurgle out of my mouth. "School has been interesting. I overheard some girls in the bathroom talking a few days ago." Before I could go any further, I bit into the side of my tongue. Why was telling him so difficult?

The answer came to me slowly. It left me with an understanding of his actions. I loved Jacob, and seeing the pain I caused written all over his face hurt far worse than any other type of pain I had experienced. Yet, I knew I still had to do the right thing. I had to do what would save his happiness. If that meant I had to give him up, then I would – for him.

His eyebrow lifted, and he looked me square in the eye. "And?" A chuckle explored the walls of my heart. It felt good hearing him laugh.

"Nothing. It's nothing. What are you doing?" I stood up from the dirt floor of the garage and leisurely walked to where he was. My hands rested in my back pockets.

He laughed softly. My heart warmed. "Well, this was supposed to be your birthday present, but…" A deep breathe huffed out of his plump lips.

I nodded. "Yeah. Well, thanks." Running my fingers over the black leather seat, I smiled at the amount of effort he had put into and kept putting into the bikes even after what happened. "Why did you keep working on it?" I focused in on the chrome handlebars and the buttons on them.

"I don't know. I couldn't stop. It was before all that, ya know? I kinda hoped it would make things better. Or it would take it back to how it was. I don't know. It kept my head clear." He sat the tool in his hand down, rested his palms on the black leather seat, and finally looked up. My eyes caught his, and I could feel my soul being repaired second by second.

Jake shrugged and smiled a boyish grin that only brought me that much closer to him. It was becoming harder to breathe. His eyes dropped to my lips. I watched his, wondering, hoping that he wanted to kiss me. I hoped that want overpowered his stubbornness. I felt victorious when his palm rested on my cheek and his thumb traced a circle on my jaw. The beating of my heart picked up pace. My breathing quickened. And I found myself gasping for air when the pull of his hand overpowered what little resistance I had.

Suddenly, every question I had popped into my mind. Was this a good idea? Were we friends again? What about Jessica? What about Embry? What about all the feelings I had for both of them? Should I tell him what I heard? Would our friendship ever survive high school? Was I really in love with him? Did my feelings for Embry mean anything? Why did I feel so unnerved seeing Jacob okay without me? Why did it hurt so badly when I saw Embry's heart-broken stare? Why was this happening?

"Jake." I whispered. His lips were a few inches from my own. "I can't."

Regretfully, his hand fell and bounced on the seat of the bike. He slumped back against the tall red toolbox. His stare hit the floor.

"Isn't that what you want from me?" Jacob spoke through his teeth with a turned head.

"No." I answered truthfully. As much as it would have satiated the need for him in my soul, it would have only complicated things that much more. I was not here to kiss him. I was here to tell him the truth.

"No?" His brows furrowed together. "I thought..."

"I'm not here for that. I'm here because I miss you, and you're my best friend. I just think you should know the truth." His gaze snapped up to mine.

"Truth? About what?" He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say as he picked up a wrench from his work station, and began to clean it off again. Perhaps he had drawn his own conclusions.

"Jessica."

The intensity in Jacob's onyx eyes made it difficult to breathe, and I could sense the anger rolling off of him. Before he could think about his reaction, he slung the wrench in his hand across the room. It clanked against something metal before falling to the ground.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Bella? You came all the way out here to tell me something about Jessica? What could you possibly have to say to me after all this time?" He flinched.

"She's lying to you." I stepped backward.

"Lying to me?"

I answered him with a shake of my head.

"And, exactly how is she lying to me, Bella?" He gripped down on the metal frame of the bike. His hands seemed so large in comparison. The veins in his arms pulsated with anger, and his chest heaved with quick breaths. "Tell me, god dammit! You're supposed to be my best friend."

Taking two large steps back, I shied away. In all the years of knowing Jacob, I had not ever seen him get that upset. I thought he would have been grateful, but I learned otherwise. The words stuck on the back of my tongue, and no matter how hard I swallowed, they would not go away. I had no other choice than to speak them.

"The other day in the hall when Quil yelled at me to come hang out with you guys, well, Jessica was one of the girls in the bathroom. I overheard her talking with her friends." I kept my voice calm and low in hopes of soothing his anger. "She was talking about her mom."

Jake stared at me with a hateful glare. His eyes were so black that I could not define his pupil from his iris. The way his stare held so much hate caved in my wind pipe making the next few words I spoke shrill.

"One of the girls, Angela, well, she asked Jessica about going to her mom's for Christmas, and how she was going to keep that from you." I looked down to my hands and picked at the skin between my fingers. "Jessica was kinda mean to her, and said something about Angela being jealous because the Quieleutes didn't like dorks." I peeked up at Jake. His eyes were fixated on me. The look in them was still as full of hatred. I swallowed and continued. "Then Angela asked her how she would like it if Jacob Black knew that she lied to him about her mom, and that she would rather have a guy like her for who she was instead of some lie she told him."

I took another reluctant glance up. Jacob's nostrils flared. His breathing was sporadic. His arms were tight and tense. Jake shook frenziedly, causing the bike to shake under his forceful grip.

"Why," his words slurred with a dark rumble, "would you come all the way out here to tell me that?"

"I-I-I thought you would like to know. I thought I was being a good friend." Trying to reassure myself that he would believe me, I took a step forward and looked directly at him. My lip quivered at the look in his eye.

"A friend? Is that what you are?" He chuckled at the thought. My soul started to shake. "Is that what you _think_ you are, Bella?" Jake implied.

"Yes." I breathed although it was becoming more difficult by the second. "I _am _your friend, Jake. I'm your best friend, remember?" I took another step forward, but his next action stopped me in my tracks.

His thick hand squeezed into a fist. The tension in his arm pulled back tightly like the arm of a catapult, and when he released it, his fist slammed down into the leather seat of the dirt bike. There was more behind his punch than being upset over our friendship. There was always something more to Jacob, something he was hiding. I was no longer privy to his inner thoughts.

Even though he ended our friendship, I still wanted to soothe him. I didn't know how or what to do. The situation was new to me. All of it was so new, so unknown. I felt alienated for what I knew to be the truth, but no one would believe me. _No one._ The thought stuck in my chest as Jacob darted angrily around the bike. He stood a few feet away from me shaking with fury.

His finger pointed to me. "Tell me why the fuck you told me that. Why? What kind of benefits do you think you're going to get by telling me that my girlfriend." Jake watched me flinch and laughed. _He laughed._ "Yeah, that's right. I said _girlfriend_." He drew the syllables out with amusement that it caused me pain. Like it suddenly dawned on him, he shook his head. "That's it isn't it? Isn't it?" He yelled stepping toward me again. "Fucking look at me and answer."

I could not do anything, but stare at the floor and let my soul shatter. He had broken my heart weeks ago when he ended our friendship, but he broke my soul with his hatred. Whoever this Jacob was, with his short hair and temper, was not my best friend. He had grown into someone else. He had become one of Jessica's minions. Recoiling into myself, I backed up until my feet hit something hard on the floor.

"Answer me!" Jacob's infuriated voice bounced off of the walls of the garage.

"I don't want any benefits. I just want to be," a cry wept in the back of my throat, "your best friend, again." Tears dribbled down my face as if they had an endless supply.

"That's not going to happen." From my lowered eyes, I saw Jacob's boot covered feet step into my view. "That's never going to happen again, Bells. You know why?" At least he wasn't yelling anymore. I shrugged limply.

"Because, you want more than I will ever give you. You're jealous, and you can't handle it. You can't. You're doing nothing but manipulating things so you can get what you want." The softness in Jacob's voice made me almost believe him, but I was too busy trying to hold myself together. It was becoming more difficult with every word he spoke, so I wrapped my arms around my midsection and squeezed.

"I'm not manipulating anything." I whimpered past the emotions clogging my throat. "Jake." Saying his name nearly broke what little sanity I had. "I just want you back." Tears dripped from my chin onto the dirt floor causing hundreds of little puddles of mud. "Believe me."

"No. This is what I want. Got it? So the next time you even think about coming up here to tell me something Jessica would never do, rethink it. I'm done with you. I told you that weeks ago, and I'm telling you again. I don't want to be your friend anymore!"

What he said was not nearly as hurtful as the strong willed tone to his voice. The belief there ripped me apart. I thought I had experienced pain when he told me we were not friends anymore, but this was something else. Jake's words were like knives into my soul. Everything came crashing down around me. My world no longer spun. I felt weak and alone, so very alone. The boots I had been fixated took away the very essence of my being. I heard the door swing open, but I did not see it. I felt the slamming of it rattle my bones. And I cringed when I heard his fist pound into the side of the building.

I fell to my knees, let my arms go, and welcomed the breaking. I cried loudly. Sobs poured out of me one after another. Tears seeped out of my eyes. My cheeks were their resting place until they slithered down and fell to the floor. I gasped for air in between sobs. A painful burn in my chest made it difficult to breathe. I wanted to get up off of the garage floor and chase after him, but I was paralyzed. Every time I thought of moving, of getting up and leaving, I remembered that I would never get to come back here. I would no longer have late night conversations with the one person in the world who understood me. There was nothing left to me. Without Jacob, I was nothing, no one. He was the spring in my step, the air that I breathed, and the sun that I needed to feel on my face. It was gone – all gone.

Doubling over, my fists hit the floor. Particles of dirt and dust filtered into the air that seemed to burn my lungs. It felt like I was being ripped apart limb by limb.

"Why?" I yelled into the dirt. "Why?"

With my forehead resting in dirt, I sat there on my knees begging and pleading with God to bring Jacob back to tell me that he was sorry. I prayed for someone to protect me, for someone to rescue me from the pit I had found myself in, but there was no one left in my life. No one had stuck around long enough to care about me the way Jacob had. I fisted a handful of dirt and sobbed. Maybe if I cried long enough, then I would grow numb to the burning agony making its way through every cell in my body.

The same swing of the door I had heard when Jacob left drifted into my ears again. I did not have the strength to look. All I could do was roll to my side and curl up into a ball. Facing the back of the garage, my eyes moved from blurry object to blurry object remembering the times we had used them or Jacob had described their functions to me. The memories of his smiling face, his beautifully caring soul, and long black hair set fire to my veins. Another sob echoed off of the walls. Through the echo, I heard approaching footsteps. I could not fight the unrelenting hope that it was Jacob.

A pair of strong arms lifted me up to a sitting position and let go. Having no strength in me, I teetered back limply only to fall onto a warm chest. Long legs straddled my coiled body, and affectionate arms encircled me. They pinned my arms to my sides and pulled me tightly against the warmth of his chest. My eyes still leaked tears, and the all encompassing hurt bled through my veins. I knew it was not Jacob, but the comfort and care whoever it was offered flooded me with antagonizing memories.

The arms I had grown comfortable with in the passing hour spun me around and pushed my head to the warm chest that soothed me. His heart palpated when I showed no regression. I was the same. My eyes bled tears and my soul cracked with each minute. Jacob's words bounced around in my brain. The pictures replayed in front of my blurry eyes. I could not breathe through the sobs. Each cry took with it a piece of my soul until I sat lifeless in this guy's comforting arms.

At the moment he found me, I could care less who it was, but now that I was coming out of the haze, I wanted to know. I needed to know who was caring for me. Whoever it was must have been tired of cradling me. It was well into the night. I had been crying for hours. My eyes were swollen and burned as tears dripped from them. My throat hurt from the constant cries and sobs. I was tired. I could still fill Jacob being pulled from me. Every ounce of him was taken out of my life. It felt like needles prickling into my skin.

Just when I thought that I was finished crying, a memory of Jacob and I on First Beach exploded in my brain. We were barely eleven years old, and it was the first time Dad and Billy let us venture off by ourselves. Billy trusted Jacob more than Dad trusted me. However, knowing that Jake grew up around the trails, Dad was okay with letting us hike to the beach alone.

"_C'mon Bells. Just jump over it. You won't fall, I promise." Jake said from the other side of the creek. _

_The creek was small enough that one could reach the other side with a running jump, but I was Bella Swan, the clumsiest girl in the world. I knew that if I jumped, then I would land face first in the freezing_ _water._

"_I can't. I'll fall," I nervously replied, staring at the water as if it held the meaning to life. "I always fall."_

"_I won't let you." Jake huffed. He spun around and admired the crashing waves a few hundred yards in front of us through the trees. _

"_Go on. I'll wait here. I'll be fine." A cold February wind blew causing my teeth to chatter._

"_Bells, you'll freeze. I have your jacket." He reminded me by waving it to the side._

_I regretted that I had given my jacket to Jake so it would not get wet. Biting into my lower lip, I looked around for another possible route. Down a few feet from us was an old fallen over tree. It crossed the creek, but looked icy and frozen. "Maybe down there?" I nodded._

"_Are you crazy? It's frozen. You'd fall for sure." Jake turned back around, and pleaded with his eyes. "You can do it, Bella. I'm right here. I'm not going to let you fall or get hurt."_

_I shrugged. It was not that Jake was untrustworthy, but the fact that he often left me stranded in places so that I could find my own way out. Usually, I was successful, and when I wasn't, he was always just a few feet away waiting in the wings._

"_Promise?" I yelled cautiously._

"_I promise, Bella. I'll never let you fall."_

_One deep breath and a running start later, I leaped across the creak and into Jake's open arms. _

"_See. I told you I wouldn't let you fall." He whispered into my ear, and then covered my shoulders with my jacket. "I'm always here, Bella. You know that."_

A cry broke out of my throat. Another bout of tears dribbled effortlessly down my cheeks. "He said he'd always be here." I heard the words before I realized I had spoken them. They had come out in a soft, sobbing whisper into the chest of the man comforting me.

His arms constricted, and I swear I felt his lips kiss the top of my head. "It'll be okay." A soft, sugary voice silently spoke. I could feel his sweetness begin to float through my veins.

"Em-em-embry?" I cried out softly, and looked up to his beautifully chiseled face and wonderfully sweet grey eyes. "Embry!" I latched onto him. My fingers dug into his arms, and my check pressed hard against his chest.

Embry squeezed me closer to his chest. His sweet-as-honey voice softly hummed an unknown tune. It lulled the cries in my chest, the ache in my heart, and the burning in my lungs. I listened to Embry breathe, and felt his heart beat against my cheek as he soothed away the tears in my shattered soul.

"Why are you here?" I asked after a few seconds of stillness.

"Does it matter why I'm here? Can't it just count for something?" Embry answered sternly.

I let it go. I gave in. It no longer mattered why Embry was there, just that he was.

"Do you think you can stand?" The concern in his tone surpassed any notion he made to cover it up.

I nodded my head. With wobbly legs and the assistance of Embry's shoulder, I stood. Though I felt weak and unable to hold my own head up, I was strong enough to stand in front of Embry and allow the tears to ripple down my cheeks faster. I looked at him. He looked at me.

"Are you okay to drive home?"

Shrugging, I realized I had to leave this sanctuary. Everything in the garage screamed Jacob. The smells, the tools, the warm cans of coke, and hidden cans of beer all reminded me of times I no longer had. This place, this feeling would become a distant memory to me. As the end of our friendship came crashing down upon me, cries shook out of my body. I was no longer inside of myself, but was outside looking in. I watched the tears fall one after another out of my eyes. The pain shook my bones causing my stance to waver back and forth. I closed my eyes and when I reopened them, Embry was standing in front of me. He looped his arm around my shoulders, steadied my shaking by holding onto my forearm, and slowly began to walk me toward the door. Physically, I willingly followed his guide. Emotionally, I would forever be stuck in Jacob's garage wondering what went wrong and if there was a solution.

The tender touch Embry used quieted the pain. I could still hear his even breaths. They quieted the cries coming from my soul. It was then that I began to see who Embry really was. He no longer felt like Jacob's replacement. Instead, he was this whole other being. Embry became a protector, a shield, and a caretaker. I had a feeling he had done his fair share of caretaking over the years. The thought left me feeling worse. I did not want to be a burden.

"I can do it." Mumbling through the tears, I shrugged off his arm. "I don't want to be a burden." My hand gripped his and pushed him away.

"You're not a burden." Embry reassured me with a comforting voice and placed a firm hand on my shoulder. However, at that point, I was unable to believe the sky was blue or the grass was green. I shrugged him off again.

"Would you stop that?" He replied with a stronger will. "You are not a burden to me. Let me help."

My feet stopped moving, and I drifted a glance at him through tear filled eyes. "You don't have to do this."

Hesitant to stop, he turned and side stepped, pulling me along. "I know."

His reply was exactly what I need to hear. It was what I wanted to hear him say. It was simple and to the point just like he was. There were no complexities to Embry, at least not the one I knew. Through the fog of pain and hurt, I envied the guy pulling me toward my beat up car. He had everything going for him, and his soul was more beautiful than his outward appearance. Embry cared more for other people's safety, than the loyalty of his friends. He was no ordinary high school boy.

When we reached the car, Embry opened the passenger side door and shoved me in. In my zombie like state, I had not realized he had planned on taking me home. I didn't care. All that mattered was the pain beating in my chest. We were halfway to Forks when I finally blinked and came to enough to realize Embry was the one driving and not me.

"Why are you driving me home?"

"You can't drive like this. I can't let you get yourself killed 'cause Jacob's being an ass." Embry's eyes were illuminated by the headlights from the car behind us. With such a bright light on them, they were the softest of grays.

That name ripped through me like a saw through wood. I could feel parts of myself chipping off and flying into the abyss of the night. If this was only the beginning, then how would the rest of my life be without him? I tried holding back the tears, but they came anyway. There was no telling how many more tears I would cry before it would be enough to get over the pain of losing my best friend. I was grieving him like he had died.

"I can't believe he did that." Embry barely spoke. "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with him anymore." His voice became louder. "It's like this whole Jessica thing, and the fact that the University of Florida is after him has gone straight to his head."

Watching Embry mumble on about Jacob and his choices as of late was oddly calming. His words did not sound like words to me, but merely slurs and mumbles. My head painfully pounded from the amount of tears I had cried. All I could do was watch the concern, frustration, and disbelief filter across Embry's face. His expressions were animated and amusing, but I was thankful for the small amount of relief he offered. There was something about him, about his concern that made me feel like he was Superman. He had come in and rescued me from the evil villain out to demolish my world. Though, the evil villain had succeeded, I still had my Superman.

"You're like Superman or something." I incoherently mumbled.

Embry yanked his eyes toward me and a puzzled, clueless look came to his face. "What?" He lightly laughed.

"Nothing. I – it's just that you're kinda like Superman." I swiped the back of my hand across my eyes, clearing the tears away.

A bright, illuminating smile covered his face. All of the worry, all of the frustration slipped away. The Embry that had rescued me the day I came home from Renee's returned. I no longer saw the distance between us. In fact, I felt closer to him like this experience tied us together.

"Superman, huh?" He kept his focus on the road. One of his hands slid to the top of the steering wheel as the other dropped. It rested on my knee with a firm grip. His affectionate touch seeped the sweetness that always seemed to stream through him into me. "Are you gonna be okay? I know Jake meant a lot to you."

My eyes dropped to the dashboard. Would I be okay? I doubted it. "I don't know. I guess I have to be, don't I?"

"You're only what you want to be," Embry stated with a firm upper lip.

The car slowed, and Embry pulled into the empty space next to Dad's cruiser. All of the memories here would haunt me daily. I was unsure if I could do this, but I had to.

"Do you want to come in?" I questioned, hoping that he would.

"I don't think that's a good idea." Embry hummed a few seconds later.

"How are you going to get home?"

Embry shut the car off and stepped. He slowly walked around and proceeded to open the door. As he reached in to help me stand, I noticed the distance return. The ever familiar presence of regret wafted in the air. My heart burned. My lungs breathed without consulting me first, and my brain flooded with memories. Only this time, those memories were the ones I had shared with Embry – the night at the bonfire, football practice, and dinner. If I had not screwed up and slept with Jacob, then all of this would not be happening.

"I'm sorry, Embry." I whimpered as tears slowly flooded my eyes again.

"I know." He answered with a sigh, and curved his arm around my waist.

The shoulder he offered me to cry on was a gesture I would not have expected, but it was welcomed.. He made my heart jump start in my chest. A sharp, stuttering pain shot from my chest toward my limbs, as Embry cautiously walked me up the steps and toward the front door. I reached for the door knob. He dropped his arm and his head. Tears were thick in my eyes and clung for dear life to my lashes. I didn't want him to go. He was my own personal Superman. I needed him to save my world, but I could not hold onto him if he would not allow it.

"Th-th-thank you." I turned around and stared up at him. The tears made it hard to see clearly. "For everything." I swallowed the lump of sobs in my throat.

Embry gazed down to the floor of the porch and curtly nodded. "Welcome."

"How are you getting home? I'm sure Dad can give you a ride if I ask him to." I offered, but Em shook his head and smiled sweetly.

"I'll walk or run. I have some things on my mind. Running helps. 'Sides, Coach Whitlock says I need to work on my speed." His eyes drifted up to mine and stayed there.

"Oh! Em that's like a lot of miles. That's too far. Please, it's the least I can do."

"It's fine. Like I said, I have some things I need to think about. You worry about yourself. And, don't let what Jacob said to you, don't let that ruin you. You're better than that. I know that. He should too. He's just got his head shoved up his own ass." His eyes looked past the tears, past the pain, and straight into my broken heart. With a raise of his eyebrow, he placed a band-aid on the gashing wound there.

I nodded, unwilling to realize that what he was saying was the truth. Still one question burned in my mind. "How do you know what he said to me?"

"I was supposed to come over and help with the bike." He shrugged and dropped his attention to the floor again. His foot scraped an invisible line from front to back.

It soaked in slowly. Embry heard it all. He could have stopped Jake, but he didn't. Embry could have followed after Jake in loyalty, but didn't. He came after me. Though he may not have protected me from Jacob's rampant words, he did provide a safe haven for me to breathe in.

Without thinking, I lunged forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. My head nestled in the space between my elbow and his tan skin. The heat of my breath hit his neck and bounced back. Embry's arms snaked around my torso. One palm rested on my shoulder blade. The other delicately grazed the small of my back. My arms constricted around his neck, and he squeezed as tightly as he could.

"Thank you for being you." I breathed in his sweet scent.

"Any time." He whispered into my hair. "I better go. Bye Bells."

"Bye Embry." I held on tightly until his hands gripped my waist and pushed me toward the door.

Silently, Embry backed away. His eyes stayed glued to mine. He hesitated for a moment as he reached the steps, but eventually turned. Standing on the front porch well into the middle of the night, I watched Embry jog off into the darkness. I waited there until the barking dogs stopped. That was when I knew he was gone, and I was, yet again, alone.

A new faith formed in me. I knew I could do anything, become anything if I believed. All I had to do was breathe and the rest would eventually work itself out. I just hoped that part of what worked itself out was Embry.

For weeks after, I cried myself to sleep, but I always remembered to breathe. With breathing came acceptance of my new place in Jacob's life. It also brought on the memory of Embry's sweet scent. I had not seen much of either of them since then. The weeks that passed were mostly filled with school, projects, and sitting alone in my room. I allowed all of the memories to wash over me. I relished in them – no matter how bad it hurt. No matter how hard I cried, I still could not escape the emptiness inside of me. It stayed there.

Dad began to see Marybelle regularly. He was gone a lot, but I did not miss the saddened expression he had when he realized there was no one there for me. I knew he wanted to stay home, talk to me, provide me with a protective barrier, but he couldn't. Dad needed his own life, and I was okay with that. In fact, it was a slice of sunshine in the midnight of my life.

The hardest day was my birthday. The talk at dinner reminded me of previously made plans and traditions that would be broken again. I cried myself to sleep the night before, and found myself hiding in any dark corner of the hall at school. However, when I came home, I was surprised to find Dad and Marybelle wearing pointed hats and carrying a red velvet birthday cake. I broke into tears and ran to my room. There was only so much I could take before I would give in.

I buried my face in the purple comforter on my bed. Sobs ripped out of me like they had _that_ night. A soft knock on the door shushed the agony in my chest.

"Bella?" A sweet southern voice lifted my head and brought my attention to the opening door. "Hi." Marybelle smiled one of those 'I'm so sorry you're hurting smiles'.

I sniffed back the snot beginning to run out of my nose.

"Charlie says you've been having a rough time. Something about your best friend?" The southern drawl to her voice was filled with a motherly sensitivity I had never experienced before.

I nodded.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" She asked, taking a seat at my desk.

I shook my head "no" and sat up. "Not really." I gasped for air like a fish out of water.

"Breathe, honey." Marybelle stood and walked gracefully to the bed. She sat on the edge of the bed next to me. Her hand lifted a few strands of my hair from my shoulder. "He wasn't just a friend, was he?"

"No." I whispered. The motherly affection Marybelle showed was foreign to me. I was not sure how to respond.

"Was he your boyfriend?"

I flinched. "No."

"But you wanted him to be?"

"I don't know what I wanted him to be, but I wanted it to be with me." I answered as Marybelle softly played with the loose curls of my hair.

"Did you love him?" Her words were so softly spoken that I was convinced she was far more concerned for me than my own mother would have been in this situation.

"I do."

"He doesn't love you?" Marybelle pulled the hair from my other shoulder back and combed through it with her fingers.

"He doesn't know that I love him. I can't. Please don't say anything." Tears dribbled out of my eyes slowly.

"Oh, honey, I won't. Don't you worry about that. You're secret is safe with me." The way she played with my hair was soothing the pain in my chest. "Tell me what happened? And who's this Embry boy?"

I turned around and asked, "How'd you know about Embry?"

Marybelle laughed and turned my shoulders gently. "Honey, if there's anything I have learned, then it's that us pretty girls always have more than one boy waiting for us."

I laughed through my nose. Simply having Marybelle there to talk to dried up the tears on my cheeks. "He's not waiting for me either."

"Oh no! What happened? Start from the beginning and tell me everything!" She scooted back on the bed, and began to braid my hair.

So, I took a deep breath and prepared myself to relive the pain all over again. Except this time, I would remember to breathe. With every inhale came the sweet, welcoming scent of Embry, and with every exhale, Jacob was purged from my soul.


	11. Change

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening: ** Miranda Cossgrove – Kissin U; Kelly Clarkson – Save You; Daughtry – Sorry; The Commodores – Easy.

* * *

The time in my life without Jacob was scary. Fear consumed my very being. I was afraid to live, afraid to see, afraid to love, and afraid to be. Mostly, I spent time wallowing in my losses. However, on quite a few occasions Marybelle would bail on date night to spend time with me. It was when I was with Marybelle that I felt hope again. It felt like there may be a silver lining to this whole mess.

"Miss Bella, it seems math is not exactly your forte." Marybelle laughed, looking over my mid-term grades. Her eyes narrowed as she looked down the bridge of her nose to me. "Charlie won't be happy about the C+, but the A in Biology will thrill him!"

"I know. Calculus is such a pain." When Marybelle was around, I felt like I could be a teenager, like I could let loose of the adult responsibilities I felt I had around everyone else.

"Oh, Calculus? Well, I suppose a C+ is great for Calculus." She smiled wildly. "What exactly is Calculus?"

I shook my head and laughed deep in my chest. There was still a faint pain lingering in my heart, but it faded as the weeks passed on. Marybelle often asked me about my interests and my plans for college. Granted that I had expected to go away to college with Jacob, I had no real idea what I was going to do anymore. Even when I applied for colleges, I checked the "undecided" box, because well, nothing really held my interest.

The more time Marybelle spent with me, the more Dad kept her coming around. I could see the glimmer in his eye and the hop in his step at the simple mention of her name. His grin was one I had not seen in years, but I came to expect it daily. Dad was happy and falling head over heels in love. The same could be said about Marybelle. She glowed around my father.

"Bella." Dad called for me as I walked through the door from school. "Come sit. I want to talk to you."

The colors of life still seemed dull. Yet, on this day, they began to brighten just a bit more. "Yeah, Dad. What's up?"

Dad pulled his head back in shock. He was not used to seeing me in such a light, cheerful mood. "Well," he looked back toward the television, "I wanted to talk to you about Marybelle."

My stomach dropped. I hoped and prayed it was not bad news. Though I knew better, I still expected an out-of-nowhere blow just like the one Jacob had offered me. Would I ever forget what happened? Would the look in his eyes always haunt my every waking moment? And would his hurtful words continue to cause me nightmares?

"Okay." I responded. Panic flooded my voice.

"I… well… You know that I love Marybelle, and I would never want you to feel like you're being replaced right?" I nodded. A soft thud in my chest caused a ghost stinging sensation in my heart. "Well, I was, I wanted to run it by you first, but well, I want Marybelle to move in with us. I know it's fast, and if you don't want her to, then she won't. We've already discussed it. She's so great with you, and…"

Relief coursed through my veins at lightning speed. "Of course, Dad! I love Marybelle."

"It's okay with you?" Dad turned in his recliner. He watched my reaction for any type of lie.

"Yes. It's fine." I smiled a true, honest smile. It was the first time I had smiled that way since Jacob stopped being my friend.

To celebrate Marybelle's moving in, Dad wanted to do something that you could only experience here. Growing up in a place like Forks made you forget all of the unique qualities about the area. Most people would see this place as a beautifully drawn piece of art; whereas I saw it as a damp, dreary mud puddle. There had to be more to do in the area than shop for parkas and rain boots.

The day before she moved in, Marybelle was sitting at the table on her laptop. A soft glow lit up her face as she clicked and typed. Everything was ready to go. All we had to do was wait for the movers to bring her things the next day. When I entered the kitchen, I smiled at Marybelle. It was odd how she felt so much like a mother to me already.

"Bella," Marybelle spoke softly. Her attention never left the screen of her laptop.

"Yeah?" I answered as I opened the door to the refrigerator.

"Have you and Charlie ever gone whale watching?"

Dumbfounded that we had such a thing in this area, I quickly stumbled to her side. On the screen was a website for a whale watching company based out of La Push. "No. I didn't even know we had whale watching."

"What do you say me, you, and your dad go the day after tomorrow?"

"I'm game. I'm sure Dad will be too!" I cheerfully exclaimed.

The ocean always captivated me. Calm washed over me when I listened to the waves crash. The constant movement and transformation of the salt water mirrored the side of me constantly being molded and altered by the trials and tribulations in my life. I connected with the ocean. Everything about the water, the sand, the life inside of it was an extension of my soul. I could not explain the ease I felt, but I accepted it.

A gust of wind blew my hair back from my face as I led Dad and Marybelle toward the small aquarium. Along with the wind came the thick scent of salt water and sand. If man could bottle that smell and sale it as a perfume, I would be the first in line to purchase it. The musky scent of nature reminded me all too much of Jacob. Would anything ever not remind me of him?

Thinking of Jake brought along pains and feelings that were stuffed so far back that I barely recognized them. They were still there, and every so often, they resurfaced. Just like this moment, this non-Jacob relating moment brought out every unwept tear. The only difference was that now I was angry. I was angry that he trusted Jessica over me. I was hurt that he felt her word was worth more than mine. The way I saw it was like this: if he thought I would lie to him about something as important as his mom, then he deserved someone like Jessica.

"There's nothing like the smell of salt water in the morning!" Dad spoke from behind me. As he stepped to my side, he squeezed my shoulder with one hand while the other held a hot cup of coffee. The scent of roasted coffee beans mixed with the scent of the water and sand. I had always loved the smell of coffee, but never the taste. Dad sipped his coffee and watched a flock of seagulls swirling around the shore line.

"I actually like the smell." I smiled at my now happy father. A soft touch settled on my shoulder. Turning toward the touch, I realized it was Marybelle. She rested her palm on top of Dad's hand. Warmth began in my chest and spread through my body at lightning speed. This was my family.

"Me too." Marybelle closed her eyes and let the wind blow across her beautiful face. I followed suit wanting to know just what it felt like to be completely carefree for a change.

"Okay. Who wants to buy tickets?" Dad pulled his hand from my shoulder and fished his wallet from his back pocket.

"I will!" I exclaimed. Grabbing the cash from Dad's hand, I quickly found my way into the small aquarium. While looking around for the ticket booth, I noticed a bright yellow sheet of paper on the wall.

**VOLUNTEERS NEEDED!**

**Please see Manager for details.**

As much as I loved spending time with Dad and Marybelle, I needed time for myself. I was a teenager after all. There was only so much I could handle being around adults before I was ready to burst. Volunteering sounded great. It could offer time with people I did not already know, and time away from my persistent reminders of Jacob. The aquarium was new, fresh, and catered to what little bit of interests I had.

"Can I help you?" A tiny, gray haired woman asked as I approached the ticket window.

"I need 3 tickets for the whale watching trip." I slid the money under the small half-crescent shaped opening. All the while, the tiny old lady clicked away on the mouse very carefully. I was amused by her caution of technology and silently wondered if she were one of those technology phobic people.

She slid the tickets out and thanked me for the support of the local community. "Is there anything else I can help you with?" Her small beady eyes looked away from the computer screen and to me.

"Yeah, actually, I saw the signs about volunteering. Who do I need to see about that?"

The little, old lady called for the manager. When he arrived, he explained the ins and outs of what volunteering at the aquarium would be like.

"Pretty much you would be keeping things clean, helping feed the fish, and little clerical work. It's a little bit of everything. If it sounds like something you would be interested in, then fill this out and bring it back to me." The man, who had introduced himself as Greg, handed me an application. "We're always happy to see locals interested in our community and the beauty of it all. Although, some of the things you may do aren't that pretty." He laughed a full and hearty laugh.

"Sounds great." I chewed on my bottom lip while glancing over the application. "My parents and I are going on the whale watching excursion, and well, I'll probably fill out the application on the way out."

"Great!" Greg was overly animated in his excitement. "That would be perfect, actually. We could go ahead and submit your background check, and get your paper work going. That way when Monday rolls around, you can come in after school and finish it up – as long as everything pans out."

"Monday is fine with me. Thanks so much!" I reached my hand out, and Greg firmly shook it.

"It's not a problem. Thank you."

I did just that. As the boat roared toward the notorious spots for whale watching, I sat on a bench, borrowed a pen from Dad, and filled out my application. It was reassuring. The simple act of following through with an interest felt like freedom had been handed to me on a silver platter. Watching the whales jump and swim through the icy cold water pressed my interest even further. My heart became overwhelmed with the beauty of the ocean, and the whole other world living just below the surface. It was a humbling experience, and one that I wanted to delve further into.

I turned in my application right after we docked. True to his word, Greg had the paper work ready to fill out on Monday afternoon. By Wednesday evening I was wearing a pair of goulashes, and carrying a bucket of smelly, raw fish to another volunteer waiting in the food preparation area.

As I pushed the metal double-swing door open, I was met with the familiar face of Angela Weber, the girl who confessed her hatred of Jessica to me in the restroom at school. Her being the other volunteer made me uneasy, and tempted me to drop the bucket of fish and walk out the door – never to see the inside of the aquarium again. However, that small hole-in-the-wall aquarium had become my place of sanctuary.

Dreading the possible conversation I would be forced to have with Angela, I sulked forward until I had reached the stainless steel island, where she stood cutting up all sorts of small fish. Nonchalantly, I sat the bucket on the counter and quickly searched for a knife. Maybe she wouldn't remember me?

"Oh. Bella, hi! Are you the new volunteer?" Angela, surprised by my presence, watched as I stuck my hand in the gooey, slippery bucket of dead fish and made a face. "Yeah. It's kinda gross. You get used to it."

I never answered her question as I was sure it was a rhetorical one. Just a few minutes after commenting on the grossness of dead fish, Angela asked. "What made you want to volunteer here?"

"I'm trying to broaden my horizons." I answered a bit nervous that she was actually asking me questions. I hoped, beyond all hope, that she was not digging for information.

"Oh." She nodded quietly and went back to slicing her bucket of fish.

All was quiet except for the slicing and squishing of knives cutting up fish. It stayed that way for a few hours until I slipped on a dead fish and fell flat on my ass. Angela tried hard not to laugh, but doubled over when a laugh busted out of my chest. That one little slip was all it took for Angela and me to become friends. I found out she no longer associated with Jessica, especially after she heard Jessica's true agenda with Jacob. It was nice to see one of the minions actually have feelings for something besides shopping and lip gloss.

The following Friday, Angela invited herself over for dinner. I complained to Marybelle, begging her to allow me to tell Angela no, but to no avail, I was stuck playing slumber party all night. It was not as bad as I thought it would be, and Marybelle's willingness to stick around helped. We talked about boys, and I spilled the beans on why my friendship with Jacob had fallen apart. Explaining it was hard. However, with Angela on one side and Marybelle on the other, it was easy to figure out that I would be okay.

"Bella, I don't mean to overstep or be mean or anything, but maybe you're better off without Jacob? I mean, you guys were so close that you never experienced anyone else but him. Doesn't that make you sad?" Angela played with the edge of my comforter.

I absorbed her statement. It _was_ true. Jacob was all I lived for, and now, I was beginning to experience so much more than him. Maybe what happened was for the best.

Although Angela and I didn't hang out at school, it was becoming easier to be there. I no longer felt alone in crowded rooms. The Quileutes became a part of the rest of the student body instead of obstacles I had to overcome in-between classes. Hallways seemed shorter. Classrooms appeared bigger. High school had suddenly became bearable.

Embry was always around the corner, at the opposite end of the hall, or a few tables away. Every so often he would nod with a smirk before making his way to wherever it was he needed to be. My heart stammered knowing that no matter where I was Embry would always be just a few steps away. Would he ever be by my side?

It was the idea of him being next to me that had me calling his cell phone late that night. It was a Thursday before a football game. I knew he would not answer, and I think that was part of the reason I waited to call. When his voicemail picked up, I closed my eyes and spoke from my heart.

"Hey Em. I miss you. I wanted to thank you for being there for me. It must have been hard to listen to, but I was definitely glad you were there. I don't know what I would have done without you. It's funny. You've become so much to me in just a few months. I just wish you would talk to me, say hello in the hallway, instead of just walking by. I hope you know that I want you to be a part of my life, because well, I want you to be…."

An annoying beep interrupted my no-restraints speech. With a sigh, I hung up the phone. At least I had gotten most of my message across. All I had to do was wait for his reaction – if there even was one.

The next day I was a nervous wreck, and looked for Embry more than usual. Before lunch, he was nowhere to be found. His disappearance wracked my nerves until I realized that one of the most important games was just a few hours away. Coach Whitlock had probably pulled the players from morning classes to get in an extra practice. The benefits the football team got around play-offs was ridiculous. I looked around the cafeteria to find that all of the tall, bulky Quileutes were nowhere to be found. Their usual spots were empty, and the cafeteria seemed quieter than usual.

Like always, I waited until the last lunch bell rang before I headed out. On the way to my first afternoon class, I always stopped by my locker to grab my text book. Just as I rounded the corner of the hall, I saw a very sweaty Embry leaning against the wall. The first thing I noticed was how attractive he was with one foot propped against the wall and the other stiffly holding his weight. Secondly, the red basketball shorts he wore complimented the color of his beautiful, tanned skin. I cleared my throat as it started to tickle with the slightest bit of nerves.

When I reached my locker, I quickly flipped through the combination. Trying hard not to stare at him in awe, I concentrated on the titles of my textbooks. Biology was my next class, so I pulled the book titled "BIOLOGY" out and tucked it into my bag. I looked back into my locker again just to make sure I had not forgotten anything. As I shut it and turned in the direction of my class, I was pleasantly surprised to find Embry walking toward me.

"Hey." His eyes flirted with the collar of my flannel shirt.

To some, Embry may have only spoken casually to them, but to me, it was a milestone overcome. With that one little greeting, he let me know that he had gotten my message. A part of me screamed of success, because he was finally forgiving me. The other part of me worried that he had not stuck around to say much else. Either way, Embry knew how I felt. I suppose it was all left up to him now.

Biology was a giant mirage of Embry thoughts and the possible meanings behind his simple "hey". I even found myself scribbling his name and the word "hey" instead of taking notes. My daydreaming did not go unnoticed. Since I was a favorite of Mrs. Elker's, she kindly slipped me a copy of the day's notes on my way out of class.

Before Calculus, I needed to drop by my locker once again to pick up the required text. Even with the new found strength I had, it was still hard passing Jacob in the halls, especially when he was with Jessica. That day was no different.

In a circle between the men's and women's restrooms stood Jacob, Embry, Paul, Jared, Quil, Sam, and Emily. Leaning against the wall across from them was Leah, Seth, and a few random people I did not know very well. On Jacob's arm, like the leech that she was, was Jessica. Her perfect hair and teeth matched her perfectly fake laugh as she listened to Jacob tell whatever football practice story he had. Her interest in his story was as real as a unicorn. I rolled my eyes and tried to calm myself.

Quickly and with my head down, I walked past the group without so much of a whisper. Sooner or later they would forget I even existed. At least, I hoped they would.

"Bella." I heard my name, but kept my attention on the square tiles of the floor.

"Bella, wait up." Angela nervously called after me.

I stopped and turned to face her. She slid her purple cell phone in the pocket of her jeans and grabbed my elbow. "Wait here for just a second."

A chirping noise, which I thought was coming from Angela's phone, tore my attention back down the hall. Questioningly, I glanced from Angela's jean pocket to the source of the chirping – Jacob. Why did Angela want me to stop? And why was she texting Jacob?

Suddenly, my stomach clenched like someone had punched me in the abdomen. "Angela! What did you text to him?" I was worried, scared even, that she had sent Jacob something he did not need to know about. I clenched my hand around her wrist and squeezed tightly. All the while, butterflies made a mockery of my insides.

"Who texted you baby?" Jessica popped her chewing gum.

Jacob shrugged his shoulders and flipped open his phone. "I don't know."

"How do you not know?" Jessica laughed and pulled Jacob's arm until the screen of his phone was in her view.

He jerked his arm away. For a second, I smirked knowing had that been me, I would have been allowed to see whatever the message said.

"Can I at least know what it is?" She pouted like the spoiled brat she was. I rolled my eyes.

"It's a video." Jacob rolled his eyes too and pressed the buttons to view the video.

"Video?" I raised an eyebrow at Angela.

She looked over to me with apologetic eyes. "He needed to know."

That was all she said before turning around and walking away. The butterflies suddenly stopped flapping their wings and gathered in the pit of my stomach. My spit was thick. My heart raced.

The sounds of girls laughing ceased the talking of his friends. Jake nervously looked up with panic etched on his face. He smiled, but it was not a genuine one. Behind it lurked an extremely nervous boy.

"I told you guys. I don't have to worry about that." Jessica's chipmunk like voice screeched. "Jake is going all the way, and I'll be there with him."

"You're going to stay with him even after he leaves this awful town?" The voice I'd come to recognize as Lauren said.

"Well, no." Jessica snottily replied. "Why would I stay with him? He's just my out."

Someone gasped. Jacob stepped back while everyone else leaned in.

"Can't you go live with your Mom in Chicago instead?" Angela's voice leaked into the hall.

From the speaker of Jacob's cell phone came the not-so shocking truth. "I could, but Mom is engaged to some middle class jerk. He thinks I should have to work. And I tried to tell him that girls like me, well, we just don't work."

Jake dropped the phone. He stared at Jessica, who coldly leaned against the locker with a look of defeat on her face. The air surrounding him must have been different than the air I was breathing, because his chest heaved with gasps. His fists clenched at his sides, and his arms shook.

I wondered if everyone else saw what I was seeing. My gaze drifted from person to person. Their faces all stated the same thing: disbelief. But, it seemed that no one else noticed the pain etched into the lines of Jacob's face. They didn't see his nostrils flaring, or the way his usually bright eyes turned into tiny, dark slits. In effort to keep it all tucked inside, Jacob clenched his jaw. I imagined if I was standing any closer that the sound of his teeth grinding together would be as loud as the deafening silence.

"Do you love him?" Angela's voice rose from the phone.

"Eh." Jessica chirped. I looked toward her. She scrambled toward the floor trying her best to save what little bit of reputation she had. "No. I mean I tell him I do. He's a great lay and everything, but no. I don't love him. He's a reservation boy." Jessica spoke the last sentence with so much hatred that everyone took a step back. Their eyes all watching as she grabbed Jacob's phone and slammed it shut.

Softly she laughed. Jacob watched her act like it was all a joke. I recognized the hate looming in his eyes. It had been the same look he gave me in his garage.

"C'mon guys. This is a joke." Jessica smiled and flipped her hair back.

"Oh right. It's a joke. Us reservation boys don't understand them kinds of jokes. We only know the ones about scalpin' and white folk." Paul sarcastically replied with a growl.

I swallowed the laugh tickling in the back of my throat. Through the small space behind Paul, I could see Jacob. The fear and hate in his eyes blackened them. He squeezed his eyebrows together and bent his head forward. As if in that moment he realized I had told the truth, Jacob looked up. His eyes were no longer tiny, dark slits of themselves. They searched for me in the faceless crowd, and when they found mine, there was a silent plea begging me to save him.

Jacob's broad chest shook with each breath. His face contorted with every revelation. The silence was interrupted by the bell ringing. I had to get to class, but I was caught in his stare. I could not break it, and through it I could feel the pain rolling through him like thunder from a summer storm. He was humiliated, wronged, and broken.

It was hard for me to watch and not run to him. But, I remembered the way he talked to me. I remembered the hatred in his eyes. I remembered the denseness of his words. So, I walked away. It would hurt later. I would think about what I could have done to protect him, but I had to do what I thought was right.

Jacob was nowhere to be found the following days. He always seemed to be the first one in class and the last one to leave. On breaks and lunch, everyone asked where he was. Their stares were probably too much for him to take. Not that I blamed him for seeking a hide-out no one knew about.

I spent a lot of time wondering why I turned away from him. I asked myself why I never sought him out, why I never waited for him after class. The answer was always the dark look of his eyes and the despise in his voice as he told me I wasn't his friend anymore. Why would I offer friendship to someone who did not reciprocate?

A few days had passed since the fiasco in the hallway. And seemingly out of nowhere, Jacob reappeared.

'**Can I see you? jake'**

On the screen of my phone in black and white was the one question for which I had no answer.

How could I see him? How could I befriend him when he exiled me? Could I ever trust him again? Could I pretend everything was going to be alright? I knew damn well it wouldn't be. Acting as though his words stung less because I was suddenly trustworthy would not satisfy me; however, passing up a chance to explain it all would bother me for far longer than the hurt.

The look in his onyx eyes was one I would never forget, but I buried it in the furthest depths of my heart. That was where the rest of my memories of him were. I kept it all hidden for my sanity.

If I saw him, I would have to resist his flawless ability to wrap me around his finger. The conversation would have to be quick, and I would need to control it. I would have to stick to my guns no matter how much he begged – not that Jacob Black ever begged, but still it was a humoring idea.

'**Where'**

I did not bother with formalities. Jake knew who he was talking to, and he no longer reserved the right to call me Bells.

'**Parking lot after practice. Jake'**

Answering back would only initiate conversation. Casual conversation was on the not-to-do list, because I would forgive him. I would fall back into his embrace. The simple idea of becoming his friend again kept changing my mind. One minute I was going to go, and the next, I was not. It was a hard decision. A part of me wanted to run back to him, but the other part, a more dominant part, dangled his hurtful words in front of my face.

Twenty minutes after I was supposed to arrive, I slowly crept into the parking lot. The engine of my car roared loudly causing the few stranded football players to look directly at me. As much as I dreaded the drama about to happen, the one thing I hated more was attention. I lowered my head and anxiously searched for Jacob. In the corner of the parking lot, I spotted him. Jake paced back and forth between the tailgate and the opened driver's side door of his truck.

My chest started to burn. An ungodly amount of butterflies floated in my stomach. I felt hot and anxious. Sweat beaded on my brow as I pulled into the space next to him. When I stepped from the car and walked around to the passenger side, my windpipe constricted causing my breaths to come out in loud wheezes.

"Thought you weren't coming," Jake softly said while he shut the door to his truck. "I was about to leave."

The reverberation of his voice tingled against my skin.

"I'm sorry." He blurted out. His forehead wrinkled with worry and anxiety. Anxiously, Jacob flipped a piece of gum around with his tongue. His jaw flexed with every chew.

I didn't respond which seemed to feed his anxiety. His fingers shook wildly enough for his keys to clank together. Jake's chest halted. The creases on his forehead faded when he closed his eyes. As much as I wanted to feel the moment out, the hurt in my heart took over.

"Nice to know." I replied in a soft whisper. "Doesn't change anything."

"Please." Jake clenched his jaw tightly.

Moisture clung to the short strands of his black hair. His usually well kempt hair laid whichever way as if he had just run his fingers through it. Even if he was my enemy, Jacob was still beautiful. It didn't matter that his hair was half dried, not brushed, and sticking out wherever it wanted to. His beauty resonated from somewhere deep inside of him, someplace he kept secret from everyone else.

_He must have showered_, I thought.

"I…Bella…I should have…It's not what you…Will you…just… say…" As his dark eyes opened, my eyes diverted to the ground.

"What do you want me to say?" I was stern on the outside, but inside, I was falling apart.

"Anything." Jacob stepped forward. His right foot rested between both of mine. The sound of gum popping ricocheted in my ears. He was far too close. I took a step back, but was stopped by the hard metal of my car.

"I don't care what you say, Bella. Just say something, anything." Though his words were sharp, there was a pleading quality to them. My chest tightened and the burning doubled.

"What do you want from me?" I spoke restlessly and full of sorrow. Still refusing to look up, I studied the stitches of Jacob's sneakers.

As if the amount of space between us was the size of the Grand Canyon, Jacob leaned further into me. A spicy cinnamon scent suddenly hit my nostrils. It was then that I realized just how close he actually was. The heat from his breathe stung my skin with a plea.

"I'm beggin' you. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I will forever grovel at your feet if you tell me it's gonna be alright."

I thought for a split second. I could pretend like nothing ever happened. I could try to change everything, but would I really be changing anything? Jacob would, yet again, walk all over me. I would be his fall-back friend which was not good enough. Living life that way would be like walking around blind folded. The beauty of the world would be hidden by the fabric covering my eyes. Watching the orange and red sky during a sunset would be a distant memory. The dark blues and greens of the ocean would haunt my dreams. I would not be able to see the sweet grey eyes of happiness again. Life would be dulled down to Jacob, and that was no longer an option.

I knew it would hurt Jacob, but I had to. "I wish I could." Not willing to take the coward's way out, I turned my eyes to the extravagantly beautiful face of my ex-best friend. Shock flashed across his face. "But," I breathed, "I can't…tell you everything is going to be alright."

"Why?" The black abyss that had suddenly become his eyes flooded with fear and sadness, freezing the air in my lungs.

"Because it won't be, Jacob. I can't go on pretending that everything you do doesn't affect me. I can't help you now. I have to help myself. I need to live my life for me, _not you._ It's what I should have been doing all along. I was a good friend to you – a _great_ friend to you – and look where that got me. I can't be your friend anymore." I replied quietly. The resemblance of words eerily shook my bones.

"Believe me, Bella, I am truly sorry. Listen..." His words were soft, exaggerated, and tempting, but I stood strong in front him with more pride in myself than I had ever had.

"Believe you?" I guffawed. "Why should I believe you when you didn't believe me? I tried to warn you, Jake, but as usual, you were a selfish asshole! And then what you said, God, _what you said_ to me was so cold. Now the truth is out, and I'm supposed to forgive you?"

"Well, not just like that. I'll do anything! Just tell me what I have to do. I was wrong. You were right." There was a tenderness in his tone that almost took down my wall.

"This was your choice." The less I spoke - I found - the less amount of time I had to spend fighting against what my body felt was only natural. I wanted nothing more than to wrap him in my arms, kiss his cheek, and promise that I would save him from himself.

"I didn't…I…I…Bells. I don't know what I was thinking." Through thick tears, Jacob pleaded with me to not turn away. It was then that I took one final look at his decadent beauty. His plump lips glistened in the little bit of light coming from the lamp overhead, which casted dramatic shadows across his face. Resting on his cheek was one, single tear glowing in the lamplight. "Please forgive me."

"I'm sorry." I set my jaw, took a breath, and turned away, leaving in my dust the one person my heart would always ache for.

Passing days brought devastation, a rebirth of tears, and the dislike of myself. How could I hurt him? It made me no better than he was. Sure, Jacob may have ripped me apart, but I was not sure how I brought myself to his level or even why I had. Those thoughts clouded my mind every second of every day.

Often, I found myself wondering how he was holding up. The tear he let fall spoke a million words. Jacob rarely cried, and if he did, then it was because there was no holding it back. That one lonely tear brought about thousands of my own. Yet again, I found myself crying in a ball on my bed, missing my best friend, and wishing I had not made the decisions I already had.

Marybelle frequented my room. Her questions went unanswered as I fought with myself. One minute, it was all okay, and I made the right decisions. The next minute, I was a horrible person for hurting my best friend. She knew my tears had to do with Jacob, but I don't think she had the nerve to ask specifically what happened. Her soft, soothing touch drifted up and down my back, comforting me in ways my own mother had no idea how to do.

"I wish you would talk to me." Marybelle ran her fingernails up my spine. It shushed the depression for a few seconds. "I thought you had gotten over this mess."

My tears dried. I hatefully looked up to her. "I'll never get over him. He was my best friend! And I… I'm no better than he is." Wiping the back of my hand across my nose, I sniffed back a few sobs.

"You're just fine the way you are, Bella. I don't know exactly what happened, but I'm guessing he came running back to you, wanting to be your friend again. I don't know Jacob, but I imagine he's a great guy. Maybe a little confused, a little distraught, and a little messed up from all that's happened in his life. But, Bella, no man is worth tearing yourself apart over. There's no need to find yourself locked up in your room when he's out there doing whatever it is he's doing. Life moves on, sweetie! So should you."

Marybelle was right. Life was moving forward, and I could no longer be stuck in the past. That night, I made a pact with myself. I promised that I would never allow someone to become my whole life again. I wanted to live for me. I wanted to be who I portrayed myself as every day I had been without Jacob. The tricky part was proving that I, in fact, was a different Isabella Swan.

The days following my relapse of tears, I found peace in the crashing waves of First Beach. It may have been November, and winter was just around the corner, but even the cold wind gave me a sense of freedom. It was on First Beach that I began to follow-through with the pact I made.

Sand gritted between my fingers as I dug another handful and tossed it toward the ocean. For hours, I had sat there repeating the same motions over and over again. My brain was on fire with thoughts of yesterday, the day before, and the day before that.

The past week had been eventful. No matter how hard I tried, I still felt badly for what happened to Jacob. He was bound to find out sooner or later, but I never imagined it would be in a crowded hallway at school. Humiliation was written all over his face, and the look in his eye when he saw me standing across the hall was one I would never forget. Not only had he lost what he thought was true, but also was completely mortified in front of all his peers. Was it karma? Did that make me feel better about the entire situation?

No. It did not. What happened to Jake in front of everyone had nothing to do with us. Technically, I suppose it could have been, but mostly, I think it was about him being put in his place. Life showed him everything wasn't always what it seemed. Praying, dreaming, wishing – none of those actions would help. There was true evil in this world, and he had to face it head on.

However, karma did get back at Jake. I suppose, I got back at him too. Although at the time, the meaning behind my actions was not revenge. I had worked so hard to become my own person. I had pushed past our friendship and the restrictions it involved. I was free and secure. There was no way I would chance being hurt by him again. My heart would not allow it.

I felt bad for telling Jacob that a friendship was out of the question. I needed to stand up to him. He needed to see just how selfish he had been when he took away the one thing I cherished more than anything in the world – _him._

Those things were neither here nor there. The feelings I had for Jacob would always be there, but I had to forget about them. If I didn't, then life would be miserable. Misery wore me down to the bone. Happiness was on the agenda. To be happy, I had to be without the true love of my best friend. My love for Jake would be the ghost of my heart.

Crashing waves and the whispers of people walking by kept me sane. The repetitive nature of the waves brought a reverence of simplicity. If only life were as easy as the crest of a wave, the fall of the rain, or the howling of a wolf, then simply believing in regrets, heartbreak, and disappointment would be punishable by law. As I watched the waves, my body began to rock in rhythm with the melody of the ocean. Slowly, all of my worries were set free and floated away like a feather in the wind. I was proud of myself. In just a few weeks, I had become Isabella Swan, lover of the ocean, life, and enemies. My soul had been cleansed, and I was exactly who I wanted to be.

"Hi." A voice drifted in the wind.

I turned around to be completely drawn back to reality.

"Hi!" I squeaked out. The smile creeping across my face suddenly became as bright as the sun.

"Can I?" He pointed his finger to the empty spot next to me.

I nodded. Where had he come from? Why was he here? How did he know where I would be? Those questions burned in my brain. It was nearly impossible for me to not ask them, but I found the strength to hold back. Bombarding him with needless questions may push him away again. His willing presence spoke for itself.

Not much was said. Silence filled the small gap between us. My heart pounded erratically in my chest. Excitement danced on my skin as goose bumps. I kept glancing at him from the corner of my eye just to make sure he was actually sitting next to me. Every glance rewarded me with his beautifully chiseled face, his shaggy black hair, and his enticing grey eyes casually watching the tide come in. I inhaled deeply, closed my eyes, and then exhaled. When I reopened my eyes, the softness of his stare settled upon my nervous one.

Embry spoke first. "It's good to see you."

"It's good to see you too." I replied. "What brings you here?"

Perhaps my question was too fast, too reckless, too casual, because his stare went from me to his feet. His shoulders shrugged, and he neatly wrapped his arms around his bent knees.

"I wanted to see you."

"Oh." Surprised he even answered, I pressed forward. "How'd…how'd you know I was here?"

"I stopped by your house on the way home from practice. Your dad's girlfriend told me you were here."

"Marybelle." I laughed. "She's great."

"Yeah. I like her. She talked my ear off for a while."

"What about?" I asked, puzzled and mortified by what Marybelle may have said.

"Whale watching." Embry smiled. His shoulders rose with every raspy chuckle leaving his chest.

Embry's carefree laugh spread from him to me. His smile was contagious, and soon I found myself smiling for no real reason. He made me happy. That simple thought pitted my heart against my brain, and my nerves returned as flightless butterflies in my stomach. To hide the shaking in my hands, I dropped them. My fingertips grazed the sand. Sketching lines and circles soothed my nerves.

"I heard what you said to Jake in the parking lot." Embry pointedly said.

"Oh, um, yeah." Not sure how to respond or what to say, I kept silent. That subject was a tough one for the both of us.

"Why'd you say all that?" The curiosity in his voice was thick, but the question made me nervous. I didn't want to talk about Jake with Embry.

"Em," I sighed, "I don't really want to talk about Jacob. That's all in the past. I'd much rather concentrate on my future and my happiness. You're here, and that's all I want to think about. I just want to be happy. You make me happy."

I tried hard to not be offensive or sound like a bitch. It was exactly how I felt, and it was all I wanted. A weight fell on my shoulders when Embry did not respond. The flightless butterflies in my stomach suddenly grew wings as Embry stood. I admitted defeat when he started to walk toward the water. But, when he stopped just a foot or so in front of me and reached his hand out, I froze. My heart thudded in my chest, and my lungs begged for air. Had I forgotten to breathe?

I watched his out stretched hand. I stared at it sure that it would dissipate, and I'd be left on the beach alone. However, when his fingers bent, and he motioned for me to give him my hand, I gave up on the idea of being lost somewhere inside my head. This was reality.

Reaching up, my hand gripped his as I stood. Tears stung in my eyes, but they were not tears of sadness or wishful thinking. These tears were happy tears. They were tears in honor of the amazing man standing in front of me, willing me to stand closer to him, and forgiving me for everything I had done. How did I get so lucky?

"I-I-I didn't mean to sound bitchy or mean. I'm just being honest. Sorry." I stuttered in hopes of saving what little bit of shame I had left.

Embry smiled, and his sugary sweet voice made my heart skip a beat. "What'd I tell you about apologizing for the truth?"

The memory of the bonfire, and Embry telling me to never apologize for speaking the truth, especially about Jessica Stanley, swarmed my brain and eased back the fear buzzing in my veins. "Not to?"

He nodded with a very Embry-like smile. It was one of those smiles that bled the sweetness of a warm home cooked meal and the delicate embrace of a loved one. Embry dropped my hand. I silently grumbled from the loss of contact, but retracted that grumble when his palms cupped my cheeks. Firmly, Embry tilted my head up until I had no other choice but to stare into his grey eyes.

"And never apologize for telling me that _I_ make you happy."

His gaze held me hostage until the warmth of his lips pressed against mine. His kiss was carefully soft. It made my body tingle with sensations I had never felt before. The world around us slowly disappeared. All I could feel, hear, breathe, taste, and smell was him and his sweetness. There was no point in fighting as it all slowly fell in place. The ideas, the questions, the dreams – they all happened to bring me to the only chance at happiness I had: Embry Call.

* * *

_Sorry that it took so long to update. I was ill for a while, and there was also that little tradition of the holidays. So, yeah. Here you go. Hope this makes up for it!_

_Big thanks to luvinj & kennedymommy3!  
_


	12. Embry: Part 1: Blossoming Relationships

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening: **The Commodores – Easy; Jet – Are You Gonna Be My Girl.

**Author's Note: **Due to the length of this chapter, it will be broken up into parts.

Seven months was how long I spent without speaking to my best friend. Sure, I had gained friendships over that time, but they were nothing similar to what I had with Jacob, which only made what we had that much more special. Angela and I became closer through those months. She became a stand-in for Jake. Our friendship was the closest to resembling the platonic relationship Jake and I had at one time. Marybelle was a mother to me. Her constant support and love brought out the light side of my personality. Time was no longer dark and dreary. Instead, it became bright and exciting.

Dad and Marybelle's relationship was one that I idolized. Their love was natural, real, and easy. None of the small things mattered. The bigger picture was always within view when it came to their visions. It put a smile on my face to see my father so in love and so devoted to making someone else besides me happy. He deserved it after all the hard work he put into raising me as a single dad. I was beyond happy for him.

Embry became this permanent fixture. Life with him was sweeter. I never thought the saying, "Life is greener on the other side", to be true until I had stepped onto the "other side". It truly was more beautiful. Our relationship blossomed slowly but surely. Friendship was the last thing on my mind when it came to Embry. He was far more than a friend – just as he had always been. Embry became my companion, my partner, my boyfriend.

I practiced extreme caution having had my heart shattered by the only person I had ever loved. I dreamed of a reciprocated love, and over time could see that possibly happening with Embry. He was kind, sweet, tender, caring, and thoughtful. I was not his doormat. Instead, I was the first person he ran to when something exciting happened.

**December**

_**Blossoming Relationships**_

My phone vibrated in my hand in the middle of Economics. Looking down, I did not have to wonder who it was from, but was surprised to see three other texts arriving within seconds of the other.

The first one read: **'Bella!' **

The second one was much more attention grabbing. **'Your car is on fire!'**

Jumping a bit in my seat, the teacher raised his attention with a death glare fixated in my direction. Just as I was about to reply then run out of class to my burning car, I remembered the third text and read it.

'**Just kidding. Answer me!'**

Quickly, I replied back. **'Em. I'm in class. Shouldnt u be there 2?'**

It seemed like forever before I received a text back. As I was about to open up the message, the intercom system buzzed letting us all know there was an announcement coming.

"Excuse me teachers and students. Would Isabella Swan please come to the office? Isabella Swan to the office, please."

Shocked that I was being called to the office, the entire class turned and stared at me like I was some zombie about to eat their brains. My expression probably matched theirs as I was never called to the office for anything – good or bad. After gathering my things, I nervously made my way through the winding halls and into the office. The secretary was busy helping a transfer student with locker assignments, so I silently stood along the wall until she was finished.

"Oh. Bella, the chief called and said that he needed you to head home early. You're excused for the rest of the school day as it seemed to be an emergency. Please be careful on your way home." She handed me an excused absence note to use the next day then returned to her secretary duties.

Immediately, I knew something suspicious was going on. First, Dad never let me leave school early. He hardly ever let me stay home when I was ill. Second if there was some type of an emergency, then Dad would have called my cell first. It was protocol. How sad was it that Dad had a protocol for "if something happens"? Maybe it was just because he was the Chief of Police and knew that there were hardened criminals walking around.

Either way, I grabbed the rest of my books from my locker and headed for the parking lot. As I was exiting the doors, I suddenly remembered the unread text from Embry. While reading his text, I pushed through the doors.

'**Hurry! =)'**

Funny. Why would he rush me? Embry knew I had class. I sighed and shook my head. Who knew when it came to Embry? He was just about as predictable as Jacob. His name still left a sore spot on my heart. It was like pushing a week old bruise to see if it still hurt. I repeated his name constantly just to see if I felt any differently about the situation. I never did.

In the corner of the parking lot right next to Jake's truck was my tiny car with a leaning Embry propped against it. One of his long, muscular legs rested across the other and his arms were crossed over his chest. I rolled my eyes at the realization that my dad never called the school. Approaching him, I tossed my ink pen at his bulging bicep.

"We could get in huge trouble!"

Em laughed and all of the air exited his lungs. "Relax, Bells. We're not getting in trouble. I'm the star running back remember? Or has my dashing good looks made you forget that already?" As he spoke, Embry untangled his limbs and stood up straight. His first move was to wrap an arm around my shoulders; his second was to leave a tantalizing kiss on my lips. As always, the sweetness of his kiss filled my veins with happiness.

If there was one thing I had done right in the past few months, then it was giving in to Em's advances. It had paid off well in the end. He was an amazing boyfriend that kept me on my toes and helped me unwind. The more time I spent with him, the more I began to see him for who he really was. But, I had a feeling in my gut that there was far more to him than what he offered straight off the top. I never mentioned it, though. I figured when he was ready, he would show me the true beauty of his soul.

"What class are you skipping right now?" Sitting my books on the trunk lid, I pocketed my keys.

"Art 501." Em replied. His cheeks darkened with a slight hint of crimson.

"Art 501? Isn't that a college level class?"

"Yeah." Embry rubbed his finger tips together.

For the first time, I noticed the dark charcoal dust encrusted between his nail and his finger. The tips of his fingers shined with a metallic glisten. I recognized the metallic residue as pencil. Freshman year, I took Art 101, and one of our projects was shading. We had to use either our fingers or rolled up sheets of paper to shade properly. I chose to use my fingers, because it was easier to control.

"Mr. Tripton doesn't mind if I miss a class or two. I'm way ahead of the rest of the class. 'Sides I am on the football team. Do you know even what kind of benefits we get?" He said in such a tone that expressed his own surprise of what the team got away with. It was exceptionally bad after the state championship games. It just so happened that the previous Friday, the team took home the state trophy for the fourth year in a row.

I laughed and shook my head. The blowing wind was cold. Shivering in my skin, I tugged my jacket around me. December in Washington was hideous. Sometimes, I wished I could live someplace warmer, somewhere like Florida.

"Yeah. So, what's the rush?" Looking around, I noticed nothing out of the ordinary, nothing that would make him want me to run at the speed of light.

"Well." Embry pushed off the side of the car and faced me. His eyes sought out mine. Enthusiasm glowed in his pupils. "I got offered an amazing scholarship to a really great school, and I wanted you to be the first to know that I accepted!"

"Oh! Really? Em, that's awesome!" My voice raised in tone to almost a shrill. I jumped up and wrapped my arms around his neck, leaving a kiss just below his earlobe as I pulled back. "I'm so proud of you!"

"Auburn University!" He exclaimed.

His smile was wide and bright. It was brighter than it was on our first "official" date, and it was far brighter than when his Dad had called to meet up with him a few weeks back. Embry's track record with his dad was not a great one. It seemed his dad was a restless man, the type of man who can only stay in one place for so long before he has to go, no matter who was hurt in the process.

Just as quickly as the brightness of his smile appeared, it faded away. The gleam in his eyes diminished to a soft flickering light, and his brows pulled taut.

"Is there something else?" I immediately asked, wondering what could possibly cause all of his happiness to slide out of his grasp. Then, I realized the same thing he did.

Auburn University was in Auburn, Alabama. In a little more than six months, Embry would be in Auburn, and I would still be in Forks.

The smile I wore dropped along with my heart. My lip quivered slightly, and I felt a ball of sadness forming in my stomach, but how could I be selfish at a time like this? Auburn was a great school. Their football team was decent – almost always in the top ten in their conference.

"It's in Alabama, Bella." He finally mustered enough courage to express his concern. "Alabama."

"Alabama," I swallowed the lump in my throat, "isn't that far."

"What? Bells, it's pretty far. South eastern United States."

"Yeah." I chewed my lip. "But, it's a great, great school! Playing ball at a school like Auburn could get you into the NFL ." I tried to stay positive, to ignore the ever growing sadness weighing on my shoulders.

"I know." He mumbled, then wrapped his arms around my neck and tugged me in close to his chest. It gave me a few moments to really think, to feel the situation out.

Everyone that mattered to me was leaving. They were going to some far off school with some amazing program, yet I was staying here with no idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. Time was running out on me, and I would have to make a decision. Could I let go of Embry just as I had let go of Jake? Would I ever know what it would feel like to have the warmth of a loving embrace always ready for me?

And what did Embry think about it? Where did he see us going? Was I important enough for him to have a long distance relationship? Did I want that? Was it something he wanted? Would I lose him? Did he feel about me the way I felt about him?

All the while, I kissed his collarbone over his t-shirt a thousand times. His fingers dug into either shoulder. His heart beat thudded in my ear. What would I do without him?

That question made my heart stutter. I was falling for him, already.

"Bells, c'mon, get in the car. We'll drive around and talk about it. Okay?" His words were soft in my ear, and his hands squeezed onto my shoulders as he fully wrapped his arms around my body. Not wanting to let go of his warmth, I tugged him back to me as he pulled away.

"Just one more hug." I whispered soft enough for the meaning to get lost in the wind.

Embry squeezed me tight against his chest. His lips kissed mine over and over again, apologizing for his choice, but there was no need for apologies. Embry was doing what was right for him. He needed to go to Auburn. He deserved it.

We talked for hours as we drove around La Push and Forks – twice. Embry settled my fears with tenderly spoken words that were only meant for my heart to hear. He assured me that he felt the same way I did and that it took him a week to actually make a decision. I felt bad that he put as much thought into his decision, but at the same time, I felt selfish, because I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to give up everything just so he wouldn't walk away from me again. It hurt my heart to know that one day I would be saying goodbye to him.

On our third trip around La Push, Embry pulled into the gravel parking lot of First Beach. Shutting off the car, he turned in his seat. The grey eyes I had grown accustomed to seeing every day for the past two months pleaded with me to slow down.

"Bells, we don't have to figure everything out right now. We still have time. It'll just be more special is all." I watched his pouty lips form every syllable. "Whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. All I know is how I feel about you. I really like you. You know that. I don't want to lose you, but we can't stop what fate has in store for us."

I smiled up at him. He always knew exactly what to say to ease back the crazy thoughts swirling in my brain. Embry smirked back. It was one of those half smirks, half smile type things where his lip curved up, but he kept his gloriously pouty lips over his teeth. Unsnapping my seatbelt and leaning into him, I pressed my lips against his. A much appreciative grunt exited Em's throat, but was held back by his covered lips.

He tasted so sweet and so fresh. Each kiss was like shooting heroine into my veins. Only it wasn't heroine, but Embry's sweet as fresh sugar cane goodness. A single kiss was never enough. It only brought on intense cravings and teased me with a gentle laugh.

With exceptional timing, Embry swiped his tongue against my bottom lip. I whimpered at the nearly pure grain sweetness of his tongue as it explored my mouth. His technique had been all but perfected, and had I not been so captivated by the sugary haze I was caught in, I would have over thought how many girls he had kissed this way. It did not matter, though. He was mine. I was his, and his hands were all over me.

His thick, strong hands pressed my jacket down my arms, and it was then discarded to the backseat. Firmly, he grasped onto the curve of my waist. His grip was tight, but his touch was delicate. Every twirl of my tongue made his fingers squeeze my sides. It was almost like he was trying to keep control of himself, like there was far more he would rather be doing with his hands. Embry was holding back, and I didn't want him to. However, I understood that it was far too soon for lots many reasons. So, I took to running my hands through his hair. To try to keep my mind busy, I concentrated on the soft feel of his lips and the sweet taste of his mouth. All that did was make me that much more excited.

That was when Embry lifted me up and pulled me over onto his lap. Gently he sat me down. There between his long, muscular legs perched his excitement. I shivered as I pressed against him. His excitement somehow became mine, and I lost all of the control I had.

My hips grinded down onto him. His hips pressed up onto me. Panting breaths, longing moans, and rustling fabric loudly overshadowed the thoughtful girl from just moments ago.

There was something about his want for me and my want for him that threw me into sugar shock. I craved every inch of him. I needed to feel him, to taste him, to have him. Simply touching him wasn't enough. I wanted more.

In my cloudy sugar haze, my hand founds its way to the button of Embry's jeans. Just as I was about to unbutton them, he pulled his head back. His lips tried to stay in contact with my own, but he successfully retreated.

"We should stop." He whispered, and then leaned in for another long and passionate kiss.

"Mmm." I whined. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." He breathed through his nose loudly, but he firmly kept his lips on mine.

It didn't feel like he wanted to stop. In fact, I was pretty sure he did not want to, so I slid my hand down his zipped jeans. Embry grunted and thrust his hips up.

"You're so bad." Embry mumbled through a very hard and drawn out kiss. "But we have to stop."

"Don't you like it?" I whimpered and held onto him. "Doesn't it feel good?"

"God yeah." This time he sat back in his seat, lifted my hand from his jeans, and eyed me. "We should stop. "

Closing my eyes, I nodded in agreement and pressed my forehead against his. Controlling myself around Embry would be hard until we were both ready. Not that I was ready at that particular moment, but there was something about him that threw my mind off track. My face was burning hot. My lips felt chapped and swollen. My skin was all tingly and sensitive. Even the gentle touch of his palm to my cheek made me sweat with need.

The beat of my heart slowed. My skin no longer felt sensitive to the mere touch of his palm. Feeling it was safe enough to open my eyes, I did just that only to be greeted with the dilated pupils of the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. Sweetly, he kissed me, and then rested his head back on the head rest. I sat back until my back hit the steering wheel.

Embry's hands lay on the tops of my thighs. I stared at them. For some reason the pencil residue intrigued me. I wondered what he had been working on and why he hadn't told me about his apparent love for drawing.

"Em, what are you working on in Art?" I lifted his hand and played with the tips of his fingers.

"Oh you know, just something." He replied with a little embarrassment hidden by his coy tone.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but I would really like to see your art someday. Who knows, maybe, I'll let you draw me." Lifting his finger to my lips, I kissed the tips of each one of them.

"Maybe someday I'll show you." Embry said quietly.

With Christmas not too far around the corner, everyone seemed to be busy with shopping, decorating, or visiting with family. It was a madhouse. All of the constant movement, attention, and anticipation was about to kill me, so I was thankful for the evenings when Embry visited. For the most part, we watched holiday movies and talked about my choice of schools. We both knew that my decision making abilities were lacking, so Embry offered a lot of insight.

"You could always go with me, if you wanted to." His voice vibrated his chest. The vibrations tickled my ear as I lay listening to his heart beat. Although I couldn't see his face, I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was being serious.

Our arms were stuck up in the air. His was significantly longer than mine. The size difference was oddly humoring, but beautiful in a way. We were so different, but so much alike. He was calm, cool, and relaxed. I was erratic, nervous, and impatient. Yet, together we shared appreciation for all things art, the morbid dislike of Jessica Stanley, and the love of black and white Christmas movies.

Was that enough? Enough for me to run away to the southeastern part of the country ?

It was too soon to tell. I knew I cared about Embry. I knew that I was falling hard and fast for him, but I also knew that I had to be careful with myself. Risking my heart in the hands of someone else again was antagonizing and intriguing.

"Is that a no?" Embry asked.

"No. It's not a no." The color of his skin compared to the paleness of mine was extravagantly beautiful. "It's an I don't know yet."

"Well, the option is always there. I'd love for you to come with me. It'd be like having a piece of home with me all the time." Embry must have been studying our arms in the same way I had been, because he reached up with his other hand and held my arm next to his. He kept them that way for a few moments like he were taking a mental snap shot of the moment for future use.

Dropping my arm, I stared patiently at his beautifully chiseled face. A question had popped into my head that I was dying to know his answer to. "Okay, so, if you had to choose between Andy Warhol and Pablo Picasso, which would you choose?"

"You're going to make me choose between two of the most influential and intrinsic modern artists? Are you a crazy woman or what?" He joked in a shocked fashion.

"Oh c'mon pick one! It's that easy." I urged him to answer, and played with the neck of his blue v-neck t-shirt.

"Alright." Embry breathed deeply and tapped his index finger on his chin. Lost in thought for a few moments, he finally answered with, "Picasso, but only because of the amount of amazing work he did."

His point was well taken, and I did not know as much about art or artists as he did. Taking his word for it would have to suffice my need to know every detail about his likes and dislikes. The more we talked, hung out, and made-out; the more I realized that during the summer, I had no idea just who he was. I saw him only as a boy who played football with Jacob. Then, Embry was just another NFL superstar in the running, but as he talked about art, I noticed football wasn't on the top of his "to-be passionate about" list.

"You really love art, don't you?" Taking his fingers in my hand, I studied them. There always seemed to be some type of residual leftovers of art. "Is drawing your thing?"

Embry watched me study the tips of his worn, calloused fingers. He blushed a bit letting me know that he was uncomfortable with the current conversation. However, he still answered my question. "Drawing, sketching."

"Like with pencil?" I asked, showing my true uneducated artistic side.

"Pencil, charcoal, marker…whatever I can get my hands on."

"Why don't you talk more about art?"

Embry sighed, which sounded slightly agitated. Quickly, he sat up and took his hands with him. Frowning, I scooted closer to him in hopes of trying to remove the uncomfortable wedge I had nudged between us.

He shrugged. "It's just that…my parents aren't that supportive of things like drawing. They're not "practical". So, I kinda just stick to the football thing, because it's going to take me places and make them proud. "

Embry sounded so sad to admit that, which pulled at my heart strings. Drawing was his passion. Football was what his parents wanted him to do.

"Do you not like football?" Cautiously, I approached the subject.

"No. I like it. It's not that. It's just that football is something Dad will be proud of me for. Drawing isn't." Embry shifted in his seat anxiously. This conversation was making him nervous.

"Well, I think you should do whatever makes you happiest. It's your life not your parents." Leaning my head on his shoulder, I offered him as much support as I could. I just wanted him to know that he didn't have to play football for me to be interested.

"What makes you happy?" He changed the subject quickly.

"You do."

"No, I mean, what's the one thing you like to do that keeps your mind off of everything?" Embry leaned forward and rested his arms on his legs. He looked over his shoulder at me. His grey eyes pierced mine.

"I've always loved the beach, and volunteering at the aquarium helps relieve a lot of stress." I gave him the most honest answer I could think of at the time. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, whenever I mention college, you always say you don't know what you want to do or where you want to go. I think you should go somewhere that has marine biology or oceanography or something." Embry looked at his watch. His eyes darted back to me and a smile formed on his face when he realized I was lost in thought over the statement he had just made.

"Never thought about that actually." I laughed.

"What colleges have you gotten into?"

"All of them, but some are really expensive. I don't have the cash for most of the schools." The stress of choosing colleges began to weigh down the light feeling in my heart.

"What about scholarships, financial aid? I just don't want you doing this blindly." Em smiled softly at me. "I know it's stressful, but you gotta have some type of plan – even if it changes in the middle somewhere."

"It's too late for scholarships, I think. And I can't get financial aid. Dad makes far too much for me to get approved. I'll probably find a fulltime job and take a few classes at the community college until I figure things out."

"Now, that sounds like a plan." Embry tilted his head and leaned back. His lips softly kissed my own before he stood up. "I gotta go, but I'll see you Friday before I leave to go visit Dad for Christmas."

"Okay. Text me later." Standing, I walked Embry to the door and we said our goodbyes with anxious kisses and gentle touches. Embry made me so incredibly sexually frustrated within just a few seconds of kissing him. I was sure he knew that too, because he always backed away with a devilishly handsome grin and fire in his eyes. He was going to kill me. I was sure of that too!

Friday rolled around rather quickly. I hadn't seen Embry since he left me to my sexually frustrated thoughts just a few nights earlier. We had talked nightly, but he was always busy during the days to come visit or for me to visit him. If we hadn't talked so much, then I would have been worried that he no longer wanted to see me.

We had decided to exchange Christmas gifts at his house on the reservation for a change of scenery. I had not been to his house but a handful of times. Mostly, I think, it was because of his mom's bipolar schizophrenia. When she was on her medications, she was very normal and very much a productive member of society. However, when she missed a dosage or if she decided she no longer needed them, Embry had a whole new set of problems to deal with. On my drive to Embry's, I remembered Jacob mentioning that Embry and I had a lot in common, but that Embry had gotten the short end of the stick. It was true. His father was a free spirit, which was the nicest way to say it, and his mother was literally crazy.

Although his mom was very capable of taking care of them both while she was on her medication, Embry's grandmother lived with them. From what I understood, she took care of Embry, who in turn took care of his mom when his grandma was working, which was pretty much all the time.

With those thoughts on my mind, I slowly walked up to the front door and knocked. It was always a surprise visiting or calling his home, because I never knew when Mrs. Call was going to be sane or crazy. It was one of the many perks of being Embry's girlfriend.

Embry swung the door open. His face was bright with excitement. I noticed his eyes drop to the neatly wrapped present in my hands then back up to me. Shaking the box, a soft laugh left me feeling as light as a feather.

"Which are you more excited to see the present or me?"

"You, of course!" He answered in a "didn't you know that?" kind of tone.

As his left arm waved me through the door, I walked in with him following closely behind. Mrs. Call was sitting at the table drinking a cup of hot tea and reading the latest Daniel Steele novel. She seemed to be calm and collected, so I didn't question rather she had been taking her medication properly or not.

Since it was Christmas Eve, Grandma Call was busy in the kitchen making what smelled to be a delicious Christmas dinner. She was such a beautiful elder and seemed to have the stereotypical Native American qualities what with her tanned skin, high cheekbones, and long hair, which was tied in a low pony tail at the base of her head. The strands of her hair were no longer dark black but were different shades of grey. Embry resembled his grandmother far more than his mom, and for that I was grateful. Not that his mother was unattractive, but she seemed to have a little less classic Native American features than Grandma Call. Slowly but surely, I was realizing that I was rather fond of the Native American look.

"Hello Mrs. Call, Grandma Call." I said as I placed Embry's gift on the table and took my jacket off.

"Hi Bella." Mrs. Call glanced up for only a second or two then returned to her book.

"Bella!" Grandma Call stopped everything she was doing and welcomed me with a giant hug. Gently, I squeezed her back not necessarily enjoying the attention, yet becoming very appreciative of it. "Merry Christmas, honey! Now, you and Embry go exchange gifts and do whatever it is you teens do with your time. Dinner will be done in an hour or two."

The welcoming from Grandma Call was more of what I would expect from Embry's mom. On the other hand, I understood that the reality was she didn't necessarily work that way.

"Great. Thanks Grandma." Embry instinctively wrapped his arm around my shoulder and tugged me toward the living room. Once we were there, he plopped down on the couch. Not allowing me to go elsewhere, Embry pulled me onto his lap until my legs were stretched out along the length of the couch, and his arms were wrapped securely around my waist. He planted a very loving and gentle kiss on my lips. His pouty lips lingered above mine for a few moments until he softly kissed my chin. He smiled that sweet, golden smile of his. "Told you I was more excited to see you than I was to see my gift."

Under the Christmas tree, I spied only a handful of gifts. They were each wrapped in different types of paper that seemed to be recycled from previous years. I only noticed this by the wrinkled folds and bends in the gift wrapping. The Christmas tree was small, but it was decorated just as I would imagine an elderly ladies tree being decorated. Hanging from the limbs seemed to be dozens of hand crafted, heirloom type ornaments. All of them were unique in their own way, but somehow, they all coordinated well.

Christmas had not always been my favorite time of the year, but I was growing fonder of it the older I became. I suppose the meaning had become more significant and less bought from the store. As I thought about it, excitement flooded my veins. Which one of those was my gift? Was it even under there? Did he spend a lot of money on it? I hoped not. I hoped that my gift held more sentimental value than what could be bought in the store.

"Where's my gift?" My words were spoken so fast that the syllables blurred together.

Embry chuckled. His sweetness floated into the air and sugar coated me with wonder. He lifted me from his lap and grabbed my present from behind the tree. I raised my eyebrow at him.

"What? I hid it back there in case you were a snooper!"

Immediately, I noticed how thin the package was. Embry's fingers delicately held on to it. Reaching out, he tried to hand me the gift, but I realized that in all of my excitement to see him I had forgotten his gift on the table. Without grabbing my gift from his hand, I darted into the kitchen, retrieved his gift, and ran back into the living room in only a matter of seconds.

"Excited?" Embry smiled as he sat down on the couch. I sat next to him. His gift rested in my lap, and mine in his. "So, uh, I've never exchanged gifts with a girlfriend before so..."

He was looking for some type of clue as to what we were supposed to do. I faintly remembered exchanging gifts with...

"We just swap. Here, open yours up first." Lifting the package up, I nervously handed it to him. "Hope you like it." I said, knowing that he would.

Embry tore through the paper hastily. There would be no saving that gift wrap for next year. As he looked over the blaring white box, Embry tilted his head and eyed me. A crooked smile played at the corner of his lips. Enthusiasm and wonder flashed across his face before he lifted the top of the box up to reveal the leather bound sketch pad and a very expensive set of charcoal pencils. His face exploded with a giant, grateful smile. His eyes glittered with marvel as he examined every inch of the sketchpad and its binding. Embry, then, shifted his attention to the box of charcoal pencils. His cheeks deepened in color. A different look flashed across his face. It was a look of unworthiness.

"Bells, these are really expensive." His voice was soft, almost as silent as a whisper.

I nodded. "You deserve them. Besides, you promised to show me your art someday, and I figure, these can be my gateway."

"Gateway?" Embry questioned. His face wrinkled with thought.

"You know…it gets my foot in the door." I smiled at him cheesily.

Embry nodded in agreement. Pleasure and smugness flashed in his eyes as he lifted the thin and messily wrapped gift from his lap. Embry turned so that he was facing me while he reached the gift to me.

"Open it." He whispered and diverted his eyes to the paper.

I was not as free and impatient as he was with his gift. Instead, I took my time and lifted each piece of tape, unfolded every fold. Neatly and gradually the old, thin gift wrap unraveled to expose what looked like a black folder. Embossed around the edges was a filigree pattern. The fold was horizontal instead of vertical, which intrigued me. Most sketches were presented this way.

Nervously I bit into my lip and glanced up to Embry. His cheeks were flushed and tinted with a slight crimson. His grey eyes intently stared at the folder until I slowly started to open it. Quickly, Embry's gaze lifted and our eyes locked for a millisecond before I glanced down at the gift he had so methodically thought out.

In front of me, nestled in the center of the folder was a sketch. My heart skipped a beat as I recognized the scene to be that of just a week or so ago when we had been lying on the couch. At the time, I had realized he was studying our arms, because I had been too. But, never in a million years did I think he was memorizing every ripple, bump, and line of my arm to draw it entangled with his.

The piece was elegant, beautiful, and showcased the extreme amount of talent he had. I was baffled, and my heart was so full that it was overflowing with… I couldn't pin point exactly what I was feeling, but it was deep in my chest. With the simple drawing of our arms entangled together Embry had embossed his name onto my heart. There would be no way I could ever forget him or not care for him. That I was sure of.

A few silent moments had passed. Embry had given up on watching for my reaction. But, I couldn't get passed the feeling shooting through me. The sketch couldn't have been more perfect. It was thoughtful, caring, and so many other things. I was speechless and thoughtless. All I could do was stare at the sketch he had created with me in mind. It was endearing, so very endearing.

Embry softly cleared his throat. "I don't want to interrupt or anything, but do you like it?"

I stared at him completely in awe of the amazing artist sitting next to me. The fact that he had thought of me enough to sketch something that only I would see the importance of spoke louder than anything I could ever say to him.

"Do I like it?" I asked in disbelief.

He nodded.

"Embry, this is perfect. I love it. It's…Wow. You're so talented. I never imagined you…" I stopped before I completed the last phrase. I suppose stereotyping him as some overgrown football boy wasn't exactly the right idea to get across. I glanced down at the sketch again. Another bout of whatever that feeling was flooded my veins. My chest almost hurt. "I love the way the edge of your hand is shaded out and kinda fades into the paper. So beautiful."

"If I had known you were going to spend so much on my gift, then I would have gotten you something better." He seemed embarrassed by what he had given me.

Perhaps, I hadn't expressed myself in a way that he realized just how much it meant to me. So, I scooted close to him, nudged myself into his side, and kissed him softly over and over again until my lungs begged for air. Only then, did I come up long enough to take another mouth full. Em chuckled lightly as my lips covered his for the millionth time. "Guess you really liked it."

"Like? Like? Are you kidding me? I freaking loved it Mr. Call!" I smiled. Then, however, I took the time to be a bit more serious. "Thank you, seriously. I love it."

"You're welcome." His grey eyes stared at my lips, and again I felt as though he were studying me. To some it may have seemed a bit different to be studied, but I could understand the normalcy of it to him. Through his eyes, everything became art or a project. The sketch was proof of that.

The rest of the night was just as magical as the moment he had given me my gift. Although Embry had been the one to feel that his gift was not good enough, that inferior feeling fell on to me. He had created something beautiful and unique just for me. I had bought him something from a store. How much more thoughtless could I have been?

Embry assured me that he loved his gift and would get great use out of them as he walked me out to the car. Snow crunched beneath our feet and echoed through the dense forest surrounding his home. The full moonlight danced across the powder covered lawn making it seem as though the land was made of diamond crystals. And, for once, the skies were clear and were sprinkled with glittering stars.

"Be careful." Embry opened the door.

Reaching to the passenger side, I sat my gift in the seat and returned to the absolutely amazing man standing in front of me. I was so happy that he waited, happy that he was there at every single right moment, and incredibly happy that I felt that way.

"I will be." I smiled as he looped his arms around my waist.

"Text me when you get home." Em pushed his hands into my back pockets.

Nodding, I wrapped my arms around his neck. The tips of my fingers brushed against the top of his back. I could hear his breathing. It was shallow and exasperated. My chest heaved in and out, mirroring his breathing pattern. His grey eyes locked on mine, and suddenly nothing else in the world mattered but Embry, me, and this feeling, this place. It was as though I was being gifted with a chance of a lifetime. There was no way I would pass up something as beautiful and unique as what was standing in front of me.

It was then I knew what that aching feeling urging through my veins was. I had felt it before. I recognized that ache, that want, that need. I was petrified.

Taking advantage of the moment, Embry bent forward and left a very soft, very simple kiss on my lips. I was sure he recognized the fear in my eyes, but he didn't push. Instead, Embry moved on, kissing my cheek, my nose, my forehead, and my chin. Those soft kisses blanketed the fear with comfort and familiarity. Again, he was there to save me when even I couldn't.

Before he pulled away, Embry leaned into my ear and whispered, "I care about you, Bella. I care about you more than you know. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas." I smiled and kissed him passionately. "Have a great time at your dad's. Make sure you text me like…every hour." What was I going to do without him?

"Okay. You should get home. Be careful and text me when you get there." A few quick kisses later, Embry waved casually as I backed out and headed toward home.

Christmas morning came in what seemed like a matter of minutes. Marybelle and Dad woke me up earlier than early so that we could exchange gifts and begin dinner before family and friends started pouring in by the hundreds. Most of those people were old time friends and random cousins I never remembered, but there was one person I was more than nervous to see. In fact, I wasn't so sure that I even wanted to see him. Unlike the past ten years, I did not buy my best friend a gift. It did not cross my mind, because he had become more of a stranger than anything else. And, well, I couldn't forget what he had said to me and how he had chosen Jessica over his own best friend.

So, when I noticed Billy's truck pull into the drive way, I all but panicked and ran upstairs to my room. Hopefully, I could hide out there until they left. Dad was no longer "in the dark" about the Jacob situation; however, he still did not know that our relationship had blossomed in other areas.

From my bedroom window, I heard two car doors slam. My stomach felt like it was going to fly out of my throat. The familiar resonance of his voice was nerve wracking. I was shaking. It was hard to swallow. All I could see was him pleading with me to be his friend again and me turning him down. How could I do that to him? How?

Flashing through my mind were the memories of him lashing out at me, screaming at me, and tearing me apart with his words all over someone as fake as Jessica Stanley. I remembered the hate in his eyes and the anger dripping in his voice. He had chosen this fate, not me.

A part of me wished for Embry to appear next to me for comfort. I knew I could text him, call him even, but it wouldn't be right. I could not always run to Embry to shield my anxiety of Jacob. I had done that for the greater part of the summer. The dynamic between Embry and me was different now. We were different. I would just have to handle this myself.

The knock on the door came as did the thousands of butterflies taking flight in my stomach. I was becoming nauseated. Yet, I still found myself curious enough to stand at my open bedroom door and listen to the faint voices of my dad, his best friend, and my ex best friend.

"Bella around?" His voice was full of expectation. What he expected, I had no idea, but it was definitely there.

"She's…" Dad started to say.

"She just stepped out." Marybelle spoke over Dad, who I was sure giving her one of _those_ looks.

"Oh. Alright. Well, uh… Hey Dad, I'm gotta run over to Sam's for a while. Call me when you're ready." With that quickly said, the door shut with a loud thud. Two car door slams later, the engine to the truck revved and the tires squealed.

Not too long after Jacob left, I ran down stairs and out the front door to play up on Marybelle's lie for me. I did not want Billy to think that I was trying to avoid him when it had nothing to do with him. Sitting on the steps of the porch, I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my legs.

How could things between Jacob and me get this far out of hand? I wanted to talk to him so badly, but I could not help but feel completely betrayed and hurt. The simple thought of his face was like stabbing white hot skewers into my heart. The memories his voice brought back were so tangible that it felt as though it had happened yesterday.

I missed my best friend. I missed my Jacob. The long haired, smiling, sun shiney, "I would give you the shirt off of my back" Jacob who had promised to not let me fall. Whoever this new Jacob was was nothing like the boy I had grown up with. I just prayed that he came back soon.

As I was about to stand and go back inside, I noticed the window to my car was rolled down. It was the middle of winter in Forks, Washington. Unless you wanted two foot of snow in your front seat, then you rolled your window up. Thinking that it was simply my forgetfulness from the night before, I walked the few steps to the car and opened the door so that I could roll the window up. In the front seat was a bright red foil wrapped package with a large white bow on the front. Picking the gift up, I looked around to see if this was some type of trap or morbid joke. Finding no one hiding out anywhere, I examined the package. Under the corner of the large white bow was a nametag. My name was written next to the "To:", and next to the "From:" were the initials: J.B.

My heart fell to my feet. There was only on J.B., and he had quietly left me a Christmas gift. I closed my eyes and breathed.

Should I even open it? Would it hurt if I did?

Not seeing what it would hurt if I opened the gift, I ripped the large white bow off. A long sliver of wrapping paper ripped off with the bow revealing what looked to be some type of photo. Inquisitive as to what it was, I tore the rest of the wrapping away.

A soft gasp left my lips. Trailing my fingers over the cover of the book, I read the title: "The Whale Watcher's Guide". How did he know? I hadn't spoken to him about my first adventure at whale watching. Since then, it had become somewhat of a family tradition Marybelle, Dad, and me shared every other week.

Tears crept into my eyes. I held all of them but one back. As it trickled down my cheek, I realized that Jacob had watching over me. A miniscule part of me forgave him, but I wasn't quite ready to even think about letting him back in my life again.


	13. Embry: Part 2: Unexpected Firsts

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening: **Jet – Are You Gonna Be My Girl; Jason Mraz – I'm Yours; Norah Jones – Come Away With Me.

**Author's Note: **Due to the length of this chapter, it will be broken up into parts.

**January**

_**Unexpected Firsts**_

Embry had been gone for all of six days, yet I found myself nearly running away to northern California in the middle of the fourth night without him. We talked, telling each other how we missed the other. The most calming of it all was simply hearing his breath on the other line. When it came to Embry, I was in over my head. The bad part? I hadn't realized it yet.

January second was his first day back home, and I was there at his front door waiting to welcome him home. Grandma Call had taken Mrs. Call to Seattle for the weekend. Embry had turned eighteen over the summer, so there was no real trouble with leaving him home alone for a few days. Unless you count the ideas running through my mind, or the "crazy" parties he was going to throw while they were away. Knowing Embry, he would probably invite a few friends over, but no crazy parties with strippers, weed, or criminals would be had. My mind, on the other hand, had different ideas of what we could do with the time he had free. If it hadn't been for Marybelle and Dad already knowing Embry was going to be home alone, then I would have lied and said I was spending the weekend with Angela.

My plans weren't foiled though. Marybelle had talked to Dad. I was so grateful to have her in mine and Dad's life, because without her I would not have the entire day alone with Embry. That was if he showed up. His flight had been delayed by an hour or two due to high winds. As soon as his flight landed, he texted me. I sped over from the aquarium once I read the message. He would be home in a little less than forty-five minutes. My heart tripled its speed and didn't show any signs of slowing down.

Snowflakes fell from the sky. They were so big that I could almost make out their individually unique patterns. Pulling my arms to my chest, I cupped my hands together and blew warm air between them. My fingers were freezing. I didn't know how much longer I would be able to stand on the porch and wait for him. I should have had Grandma Call leave the key for me. A blast of cold air caused me to start to shiver.

I wished for the summer sun again. I wished for the hot and sticky breeze to blow across my skin. I wished to feel the cold waves of the ocean to lap at my toes while I walked along the shoreline. Wet, cold weather sucked, and I most definitely did not enjoy it at all.

I pulled my cell out and quickly texted Embry. **'Where r u? Its freezing!'**

'**5 miles out. B there soon.'**

_Thank God! _I thought as I threw my head back to give proper thanks.

Much to my dismay, Embry had Jacob pick him up from the airport. I would have, but I had taken on extra volunteer hours at the aquarium to try to keep my mind from the hell that swallowed me whole while Embry was gone. It helped, but not nearly enough.

Angela tried her best to keep me preoccupied with studying and filling out more college applications as if I hadn't filled out plenty. It felt like I had applied to nearly every college in the country, and the fact that they all sent me acceptance letters did not really help out my indecisiveness. Also, there was that little detail of Embry inviting me to go to Auburn with him. Secretively, I applied a few days ago, but still, I wasn't sure if I would go simply because my boyfriend was going to be there. Wasn't the point in going to college to find yourself? Over the past few months I had discovered plenty about myself, but there was a lot left to explore. Besides, moving off with Embry would simply jinx any hope we had. I would much rather spend the time we had together and see where it went from there.

The blur of Jacob's rust colored truck pulled my stare from the snowflakes to the road. My insides started to shiver but not from the icy cold air. I was shivering in eagerness and uneasiness. I was eager to see Embry and uneasy to see Jacob.

Unease doubled in the pit of my stomach when the truck began to slow as it approached. The roar of the motor ceased, and I could barely make out Embry or Jacob's figures through the falling snow. I heard the creaking of the doors opening and the screeching of metal against metal as they slammed shut. Muffled voices and laughs antagonized me and my nerves. Their bodies were mere silhouettes of themselves, but I knew who was who. At least, I thought I did. No longer could I keep myself confined to the front porch, so I made a run and a jump for the slightly taller and less cocky figure on the left.

My legs wrapped securely around narrow hips, and my arms squeezed around the neck I'd grown accustomed to hugging. Embry chuckled softly and kissed the side of my head. His arms wrapped around my mid section. Through his laugh came the sweetness I craved, the sweetness I had been without for a week. It started to flow through my veins again. With the sugar restored in my blood, the nervousness and unease seemed to all but disappear. I was elated that Embry was finally home.

"I missed you!" I kissed the side of his neck.

"I missed you too." He said into my ear. His hot breath warmed the skin just below my earlobe. I kissed his jaw.

"So glad you're home." I mumbled as I kissed his cold cheek.

"Mmhmm." He agreed. And finally, I kissed his soft, pouty lips not caring who was there watching as I did so. All I cared about was the feeling coming back to my heart, and the sweetness coursing through my veins.

Our kiss was sweet. It was filled full of feelings we were just beginning to grasp. Our lips spoke loudly and without words as we let ourselves get lost in the moment, lost in the feeling. We stayed that way for a while – kissing, hugging, and holding – until we were interrupted by Jacob.

"So…"

I ignored him. If only I could say that same about Embry, who seemed to unwrap my legs from his waist and set me down on my own two feet in just a matter of moments. His sweet, soft lips were taken from me far before I was ready to let them go. Begrudgingly, I crossed my arms over my chest and rolled my eyes as my ex best friend talked with my current boyfriend.

"I should probably get going." Jacob said. I wanted to look over at him just to see if he was uncomfortable, but I did not. Allowing myself to do that would be ruining such a perfect, perfect day.

"Alright. Well, I'll let you know about…" Embry raised his eyebrows and gave a shrug.

"Definitely. You're both more than welcome."

I cringed in my own skin. More than welcome for what? To do what? I started to open my mouth and ask, but the flashing memories and the pain still in my heart kept me from doing so. Instead, I clung onto Embry and rubbed my face on his cold jacket.

"Thanks Jake." Embry squeezed me once more. He reached in the bed of the truck and retrieved his bag. As Embry laced his fingers through mine, I snuck a glimpse at Jacob, who was sitting in the cab of the truck. His expression was blank. His eyes were dark. His hair still had a few snowflakes sticking to the strands. It seemed a bit longer than a few months ago like he wasn't concerned with keeping it short anymore.

I thought about how he had transformed into this other Jacob when he cut his hair, and how that had affected our friendship. I hoped he didn't think that if he grew his hair back out that we were going to be friends again. Although, if that Jake came back, then I knew there was no issue. I would always be friends with my long haired Jake.

Embry tugged my arm as he pulled me from snowy Mother Nature into the warmth of his house. Just before he closed the door, I took another glance at Jacob. He was rigidly sitting with his hands clamped on the wheel. If I had been closer, I was sure his knuckles would have been white. However, I was not. I was far away just the way he wanted me. With a sigh, I shut the door.

Out of nowhere, I was in Embry's arms. His hands slid into the back pockets of my jeans. Sweetly, Embry kissed me taking with it the thoughts of Jacob. This was what I was here for. _Embry._ He was whom I was with. Closing my eyes, I breathed in Embry and all of his glorious sugariness.

The rest of the day was a blur of kisses and sugar highs. Our lips never parted for more than a moment of breath. Hands gripped, pulled, and tangled in the fabric of our clothes. My nerves were on end. Every part of me was on a heightened level of awareness. I was sensitive to the feel of his warm hands touching naked pieces of skin.

I had never been so turned on in my life. I wanted Embry in every way possible. I wanted to feel him touch me, fill me up, and bring me down. I wanted to feel the purity that flowed through his veins leak into mine. I wanted him more than I have ever wanted any one before.

Embry's ever metallic stained fingers pushed a strand of my hair from my cheekbone. Intensely, his eyes focused in on the features of my face, the blush in my cheeks, and the redness of my lips. Embry gently dragged his fingers down my cheekbone, across my cheek, and to my chin where his thumb traced the small pout my bottom lip formed.

I exhaled. Slowly but loudly, the air left my body. Embry's lips pressed upon my parted ones. His tongue slithered out and lapped at my immobile tongue. I was frozen in ecstasy. My body was so ready to be pleased, but my heart was afraid of what could happen if I did what I really wanted to do. Just as all of the doubts and fears began to bubble up, Embry's fingers slid through the strands of my hair and down my arms. The contact of his bare skin on the skin of my arms was enough to cause me to squeeze my legs together.

"I love kissing you." He said with a raspy sound to his voice and then he kissed me, like really kissed me. It was almost as if he had been holding back all of the other countless times his lips had been on mine. Behind this kiss wafted something that he had never expressed before. Embry was pressing past his boundaries.

Embry's hands encapsulated my wrists and tugged them around his waist while he palmed my cheeks and kissed away the doubt bubbles. My mind and body craved the sweetness Embry brought on so much that I had no say in rather or not I was ready to move past my boundaries. However, when it happened, I realized the fear that had been holding me back only made the situation seem bigger than it actually was.

The skin of Embry's chest rubbed against the cotton of my t-shirt. With a grumble, he tugged the bottom of my shirt up. His eyes met mine for a millisecond or two before I raised my arms in the air and allowed my shirt to be pulled over my head. It was then that I wished I had worn a better bra. Em didn't seem to care either way.

The more we kissed and caressed the other, the less clothing seemed to be needed. Soon, we were in nothing but our underwear. Even those were in the way. Embry's hands shook as he reached around my back to unclasp my bra. When my bra slackened and my straps fell off of my shoulders, Embry leaned back and adoringly watched.

My hands cupped my breasts. They were the only things keeping the fabric from revealing me to him. I wanted him to see. I wanted him to touch, but it still didn't silence all of the fear gurgling around in my stomach. I was nervous and afraid, but more than willing to allow it all to happen.

"Let me see?" Em asked softly. His fingers looped around my hands and pulled them away. As the material slid down my chest, Embry's hands followed closely behind.

The hunger in his grey eyes lit a fire deep inside of me. The way he saw me was unique, like I was this magnificent sculpture. Delicately, his fingers trickled light touches down my breast causing me to vibrate in anticipation.

Embry tipped his head and kissed my lips. "Come here." His hand clasped into mine and pulled me toward his room. Our clothes were left behind in a pile next to the couch.

Entering his room, Embry pulled me forward until I was walking in front of him. He guided me toward the bed and left me there while he picked up a few stray, dirty clothes and pieces of paper. Those objects were tossed directly onto his drawing table in the corner of his room. It seemed like he was trying to hide what he was working on, but in that moment I didn't really care.

Lying on my stomach, I watched him stride toward the end of his bed. His taut muscles flexed and relaxed intricately. Embry was a beautiful piece of artwork himself. If I were a sculpturist, every sculpture I made would be of him.

Methodically, he crawled up the bed. I imagined that he resembled a cheetah stalking its prey as he came up behind me. Embry's knees were on either side of my hips, and his right arm locked as he hovered above me. Tilting my head back, my vision focused on the intense desire burning in his eyes. My insides turned into an army of butterflies. With our gazes locked, his head tilted over mine, and his hair dangled in thousands of strands in front of us.

Leaving his lips to linger a millimeter above mine, Embry brought his left arm up to stroke my cheek. His touch was exactly what I needed to push me past the edge of desire. I ached for him, needed him, and wanted him. All of my feelings had suddenly blossomed into a physical need for Embry. Not able to stand the antagonizing desire any longer, I pressed my lips wildly against his.

The day Embry returned from his dad's had become a day of exploration with boundaries. Those boundaries were not spoken, but they were insinuated by respect. Neither of us wanted to jeopardize the relationship we had built over the previous months. However, expressing our feelings physically was like a brand new toy. We "played" with it as much as we could.

The more we pressed our boundaries, the further away they seemed to get. We couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. School days seemed to drag on and on and on. Waiting never seemed more difficult than it did on the days I knew Embry and I would get some alone time.

Angela found it humoring that I was nearly bouncing in my rubber boots at the aquarium. Usually after my volunteer hours, I would run by Embry's for an hour or so for some much needed attention. He was more than grateful that I worked so close to his home, because he never really had to answer any questions from Dad or Marybelle.

Marybelle was well aware of the situation developing between Embry and me. So one day after Dad had left for work, Marybelle sat me down and asked if I needed birth control. I had never been so embarrassed in my life, but Marybelle knew my past. She knew I had already been sexually active with Jacob. I suppose it was only normal for her to assume things were headed that way with Embry, which they were. Admitting that made me feel a bit upset.

"Marybelle?" I spoke up on the way to my first gynecologist appointment. "Am I like a … I mean doesn't it look bad because I've or I'm going to… I mean…" I couldn't stop stuttering to save my life.

"No. It doesn't mean anything. Don't let that define you. The amount of partners you have or will have doesn't mean a lot. Just think, you were in love with Jacob, and now you're falling for Embry. There's nothing to be ashamed of." Marybelle shushed all of the self loathing thoughts prancing around my head. "Now, if you were sleeping around with just anyone, then that would be a different story."

Taking the hint, I promised myself that I would not be one of those girls who slept around. Not that I ever wanted to be. Still, it was a promise I needed.

The gynecologist appointment was the most embarrassing event of my life. I thought asking about being a slut was hard, but that appointment was a whole other world. The caliber of personal questions was belittling. I wished to never have to answer those types of questions again, but came to find out that I would be doing so every year for the rest of eternity. The joys of being a woman turned out to not be so much of a joy and more of humiliation.

After my appointment, Marybelle dropped me off at school. I told her I would get a ride home from Angela or Embry. She agreed and made me promise I would be "extra careful" on the way home. She wiggled her eyebrows at me, and I had to hold back a laugh. Marybelle was the greatest.

School was, well, school. I had arrived just a few minutes before lunch. By the time I put my things away in my locker, the lunch bell rang, and the halls immediately became crowded. A few minutes later, Embry was at my side.

"Where were you this morning?" He asked completely oblivious to my humiliating experience.

"Doctor's appointment. I thought I told you." I knew I hadn't. After all, how do you tell your boyfriend that you're planning on having sex soon without sounding like a complete buffoon?

"Nah. You eating lunch?" Embry leaned against the lockers beside me.

"Not really hungry."

"Cool." As I shut my locker, he raised an eyebrow. "Ready?"

"Yeah. I guess so." I took a deep breath. I always had to prepare myself for hanging out with the Quileute boys during lunch mostly because of Jacob. He never really said anything, but his stares never went unnoticed. They, however, did break my heart.

It was tough not talking to Jacob, but I had to keep my stance. He had to learn. He had to know I was not his doormat any longer. Some days, the look in his eyes showed a change, but the rest of the time his walls were up.

"Bells! Where the fuck have you been?" Paul threw his hands in the air. "You missed my announcement this morning!"

"Announcement?" I asked confused by his assumptions that I knew there was supposed to be an announcement.

"Yeah! I'm being drafted into the I.F. Tripple L." The smile on Paul's face was so big that I was sure his skull would split open.

"I.F. Tripple L?" I asked. I had never heard of such a thing before in my life.

"I Fucking Love Lesbians League!" He laughed. I rolled my eyes.

"I guess you made friends with a few lesbians?" Laughing, I leaned into Embry's embrace. It was so nice to be welcomed by the group. No matter how annoying or intimidating those boys may have been, they were some of the greatest guys I had ever known.

"'Made friends' is that what they're calling it?" There was a devilish smile on Paul's face which meant he actually "made friends" with a few "lesbians".

"Dude! Would you shut up about that already?" Jared chimed in. He seemed a bit agitated by Paul's bragging.

"You're just pissed that they didn't go home with you!" Paul snapped.

"Whatever. So, Jake, any lesbians at your birthday party this weekend?" Jared ignored Paul's taunting and improvisational sexual reenactments.

_Jacob was having a birthday party?_ I thought, but realized that I had no real right to know about his party. After all, I wanted nothing to do with him and vice versa. Right?

Jacob laughed that beautiful hearty laugh of his and smiled a genuine smile. Although there was still some darkness lingering in his eyes, it was nice to see Jacob wear that contagious grin again. It suited him well. I couldn't help but smile back. Our eyes locked. Brightness glimmered in his onyx eyes until I realized I was smiling like a fool and let it fall.

"Probably not, but you never know." Jake answered. His voice was deep and rustic. My heart thrummed slightly in my chest. Jacob stopped staring at his shoes, and looked up to Embry and me. His eyes shifted between the two of us.

"You two coming?" There was a bit of anxiousness lingering on the lines of his face.

Was I invited?

"I haven't really mentioned…" Embry jerked his head toward me as if I were the only thing standing in the way.

Anger surfaced rather quickly with me. I wasn't sure why, but I was extremely pissed off at both Embry and Jacob. My anger toward Jacob was justified in my opinion. Why would he think I would celebrate his birthday when he hadn't mine? Traditions were broken. Ties were cut. Bridges were burned. So, how did he even come up with such a crazy idea in the first place?

Glaring at Embry, I fumed.

"Were you," I asked, "going to ask me?" Embry's face scrunched in question.

"I was going to. I figured we could stop by for a few on Friday." Embry answered completely unaware of the anger and frustration coursing through my veins.

"I thought we were having date night on Friday?" I hated to sound so cliché, but he had promised some alone time. I needed alone time. My nerves began to react at the sheer thought of being alone in a room with Embry. I bit my lip to inflict pain and take away from the throbbing happening elsewhere.

"Well, uhhh…" He scratched his head and glanced toward Jacob. "I was going to tell you."

"Tell me? You weren't going to ask me if I wanted to go?" Anger explosions on the cellular level happened. Heat rose up my neck, and I was sure that my cheeks were blood red.

"What's the big deal?" Embry glared. His own anger surfaced and his nostrils flared. "It's a birthday party."

At that moment, I didn't care that Jacob was standing right next to Embry. It didn't bother me that Paul, Jared, and Quil were standing behind me with eyes as wide as the Grand Canyon. All that I cared about was the fact that he had failed to realize the importance of me not supporting a damned thing Jacob did and/or celebrated. So, I lost it.

"It's _Jacob's_ birthday party." I slurred his name and glared in his direction. "You know who he is right? My ex-best friend. The guy who chose his lying, cheating, and disgusting ex-girlfriend over me, because I was trying to be a good friend. We're talking about _Jacob Black_. The fucking asshole who…who…slaughtered me in his garage!"

As much as it would have appeased me to yell, I kept my tone stern and low. Yelling would only bring about attention, and I severely hated attention. The boring eyes and the gawking stares from the three Quileutes behind me were enough to make me nervous.

"I fucking know who Jacob is Bella." Embry seethed. "What's the big deal? Why does _that_ even matter? Why do you care what he thinks _now_?"

Shocked by his questions, I tried to answer, yet there were no words, no answers. It shouldn't matter, but for some reason it did. It mattered much more than I believed. My heart shook.

I laughed sarcastically. It was my only refute. Embry probably didn't want to know the reasons why it still mattered. However, I had a feeling he already knew far more about the situation than I did. Nodding his head with a hateful smirk, Embry turned to walk away from me for the second time in our "relationship". Just as he began to walk away, Sam and Leah joined the group. Their eyes focused on Embry's unyielding walk.

"What's going on?" Sam asked in an authoritative tone. No one answered him. Instead, Quil and Jared followed after Embry just a few short seconds before I tried to. But when I tried to follow, there was a hand holding me back, a hand keeping me from the argument that could possibly end everything I had worked so hard for recently. The grip was as familiar as the summer sun, and the warmth of the palm clamping on my shoulder reminded me of those few nights of warmth we shared.

I turned around not in a mean or hateful way, but in a way that asked him what exactly he thought he was doing. His onyx eyes pleaded with me to not go and with trust lingering somewhere in the far back Jacob lifted his hand.

"Give him a few minutes to call down." Jacob kindly said. "But, Bells…" I wanted to shrivel up into myself at the sound of my name coming off of his lips, but that would only feed the situation. So, I didn't move an inch, a centimeter, a millimeter. "He's right. It shouldn't matter." Jake whispered the last part so that I was only one who could hear him. I was the only one who could understand what his words meant. And as much as I hated to admit it, Jacob was right.

The rest of the school day went by as slowly as the rotation of the earth. Every time a word that began with or sounded like Embry's name was said my attention jerked to where the sounds were coming from.

People whispered and stared. Surely they were trying to figure out why I wasn't as happy or anxious as I usually was. They never asked though. Instead, they speculated as the reasoning behind my every twitch, sad sigh, and check of my cell phone.

It was nearing the end of the school day, and I hadn't so much as heard a peep from Embry, which was completely unusual. We normally texted or talked as much as possible. The fact that we weren't talking, that there was no interaction between the two of us made my skin crawl with fear. I was scared of losing him again.

With twenty minutes left of last period, I check my cell phone for the nine thousandth time in the past hour. Waiting for me was a text message. My heart thudded loudly in chest. My ears began to burn. God, how I hoped it was Embry. I hoped it was him telling me that he was ready to talk. Instead, it was a message from Angela.

'**Texted Em yet? Ang.'**

'**No. Giving him time. Is that good?'**

Ten minutes passed before I received her reply. The length of her "text" showed the reason behind the delay.

'**IDK. I think if u want 2 talk 2 him then u should. No sense in delaying what needs to be said. Which BTW is that ur sorry. Hate 2 say it also Bells but Em is right. U shldnt b upset that he wanted u 2 go w/ him. Ems a good guy but he can only put up with so much b4 he's out.'**

Without so much as a second thought, I picked up my texts books and walked out of class. There were some days that being the Biology teacher's pet was a perk and others where it was a pain in the butt.

Quickly, I gathered what needed to be taken home and what could be left behind from my locker and nearly sprinted to Embry's locker. I did not want to talk to him in front of everyone and only had intentions of getting his attention so that we could go outside to speak. Which all would have went as planned if Embry hadn't still been upset with me.

"What do you want?" He asked without anger; however, his tone was thick with disappointment and hurt.

"To talk to you." I answered as kindly as I could.

"Right. What's there to talk about?" Embry shrugged and tossed a book haphazardly into his locker. It landed in the bottom with a loud bang causing me to flinch back.

"C'mon, Em, do you really want to do this here?" Without an answer to my question, I proceeded to try to fix whatever had gone wrong. It didn't matter where we were or who heard us, all that mattered was that I explained to Embry why I felt the way I did. "It's not like that. I…He hurt me really bad and not just because I loved him. We were best friends, Em, and he screwed me over for a girl. Bros before hoes right?"

Embry laughed and shook his head. Relief relaxed every tensed muscle in my body. "Damn Bells. You make it hard to be mad when you say stuff like that." Embry's eyes floated down to my saddened and pathetic excuse of an apologetic face. "I guess I understand. I'd be pissed too, and I can't really be mad at you for not wanting to go."

The book I had cradled into my chest suddenly became interesting. I flicked the edges of the paper with my thumbnail. All the while, Embry continued to speak. "Bells, this Jake thing, man, it's tough. He's still my friend. We didn't let you come between us."

My attention was peaked with his last statement. "What do you mean?"

"Jake and I didn't really talk there for a while. Sure we hung out together but it wasn't really together just in the same group. It was awkward and weird but we got past it ya know? I want you to go with me."

"I know." I sighed. My resolve was slowly shrinking with every syllable parting his beautiful pouty lips. "It's just hard."

"It is, but can't you put that in the back of your mind for one night? I really want you to go." Embry nearly begged. His grey eyes were big and wide like that of a puppy dogs which turned me into a puddle at his feet.

"I can't." I reluctantly replied.

As much as I would have loved to go with Embry, I still could not justify the whole scenario. Sure, it would be a date and some possible alone time with Embry, but we would still be there celebrating Jacob's birthday. If I did that, then it would seem as though I thought it was okay for Jacob to not celebrate anything with me – regardless of the situation – yet I had to celebrate for him. In other words, I would still be his doormat.

Embry grunted and slammed his locker. "Really Bells?"

"Really." I stood firm and resistant to any pleas.

"This is fucking ridiculous! I mean you spend nearly every god damned lunch period with him but you can't go to a party he's having? I don't get it Bella. I don't. I thought you picked me. I thought it was different. Can't you shove this Jacob stuff aside for me?" Embry's words were sharply spoken to the point where they sliced through my heart.

Could I shove the "Jacob stuff" aside for Embry? Hadn't I already? Or was he talking about something more. Was Embry talking about the love I still held behind a well guarded, steel door for Jacob?

I glanced up from my textbook with a shocked and petrified look on my face. Embry gave me a knowing look.

"You think I didn't know? I'm your boyfriend Bells. I'm the person closest to you right now. I know that look. I just…didn't think it mattered anymore. Maybe you got passed it? Maybe I was important enough for things to be different." Embry bent forward and kissed my forehead. "I gotta go."

Silently standing in the hall next to Embry's locker, I sulked. I thought I had been hiding it. I thought I had gotten over it. I thought so many thoughts that apparently I hadn't noticed the knowing stare of my boyfriend and maybe even Jake.

Embry had to know, though, that he was important to me. So, before he had a chance to leave the hall completely, I yelled, "Em, you are important…to me."

Stopping at the door, Embry turned toward me and with a soft expression pleaded with me. "Prove it."

And I did. That Saturday with all the courage and strength I had inside of me, I attended Jacob's birthday party. The elated look on Em's face when I showed up unannounced was by far the most rewarding feeling I had felt at the time.

January held many firsts for me – first fights, first doctor's appointments, first act of forgiveness. Embry was by far more important than any of the firsts I experienced and proving it to him was the most amazing experience in my life. I felt lighter and happier. My life was full and warm. Everything felt like it was going to turn out just fine for the first time in a long time.


	14. Embry: Part 3: Penciled In

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening: **The Commodores – Easy; Sia – Breath Me; A Fine Frenzy – Near To You.

**Author's Note: **Due to the length of this chapter, it will be broken up into parts.

**February**

_**Penciled In**_

Jake's birthday party challenged me to stand on my own two feet and prove to Embry that my feelings for Jacob were not the issue. Somehow, being at the party had proven both of those points for me. And for some unknown reason, a sliver of my heart began to forgive Jacob.

I felt a bit melodramatic and immature for the fight in the hallway. Maybe things weren't as bad as I thought they were, but maybe they were. I suppose forgiveness was a flaw of mine. Forgiving was something I had yet to experience in my eighteen years. Nothing of any importance had happened in my life until the explosion of emotions, anger, and whatever else between Jacob and me transpired. So, showing up to Jake's party felt a bit like defeat to me. However, the way his face lit up when he saw me almost made it worth it.

Embry had not asked me to forgive Jacob or pretend to be his friend again. I understood that, but in the moment it felt that way. Explaining it to Embry after the fact was harder than I expected. He said he understood. He said he knew it would be hard for me to see what I needed to do, but that he knew I would do the right thing. Whatever the "right thing" was I suppose I did it, because Embry and I were closer than ever.

Previous boundaries floated away one by one until clothes were completely optional. Usually, they ended up all over the room we were in. The fear of being caught naked together didn't seem to matter anymore. Just as in any teenage relationship, expressing our feelings through words was difficult. So, our emotions were best expressed physically.

I had become extraordinarily comfortable with Embry. Modesty flew out of the metaphorical window. Often, I found content in laying nude in his bed with the warmth of his presence was keeping my skin cool but hot.

There was nothing but complete, honest trust between us. When I felt worn down to the bone with life, my eyes would silently close pulling me away to a world full of dreams and memories. As I lay nude in his bed either napping or daydreaming, Embry sat at his artists table drawing and sketching until his eyes were heavy with sleep. The worry of talking in our sleep was a forgotten afterthought. Neither of us cared what was said as we both understood there were others before us. And that was who Jacob had become.

Jake was not just my long lost "ex-best friend" any longer. He was someone who had come before Embry. Jacob was a stepping stone to this point of my life. Not that I valued his friendship any less, but what had happened between us over the summer had less significance the more I was with Embry.

My heart was healing itself. And I was still cautious, but I was drowning in the sweetness of Embry. At the most random of moments, a memory of Embry's touch, of his lips, of his voice would float through my brain giving me a set of hopeless eyes and aching insides.

With Embry, it was different. I didn't depend on him. I didn't rely on him. Marybelle and Angela had taken up the room in my heart that used to be filled with the friendship of Jacob. Sure our past was not as long as the one I had with Jacob, but their friendship was just as cherished. They held me up when I was down and vice versa. Codependency was a thing of the past. Life was much more enjoyable with more than one friend and lover.

Life was rounding out. I was growing up, and dreams were developing. Not only did I spend time with friends and Embry, but I also began picking up more hours at the aquarium. The aquarium and all it had to offer peaked my interests. Some days after I left Embry's, I would find myself on the beach building sand castles and listening to waves crash ashore. The essence of the ocean built walls of passion and dreams.

Bi-weekly, Dad, Marybelle, and I whale watched for hours. With admiration in my eyes, the sight of the whales playing, feeding, and nurturing planted a farfetched dream of professionally working with them someday. And on every trip to the docks for our whale watching excursions, my messenger bag carried the gift from Jacob. It's presence seemed to weight down my lighter than air mood. The sheer weight of The Whale Watcher's Guide felt like that of a brick. Or maybe, it was all in my head.

Dad did not mind my working extra hours at the aquairum as long as my school work was finished and chores were done. In fact, he thought it the greatest idea in the world since it was adding fuel to my ocean loving fire. I suppose he had noticed the change in me as well.

"Are you going out this evening?" Dad asked as he flipped through channels. Marybelle was working. Her job as a flight attendant kept her away ten days out of the month. It had been more than that, but she dropped down to part-time due to her new "family duties". Whatever those may have been.

"No. I don't think so." I answered, wrapping myself in a soft fleece blanket from the back of the couch.

"No Embry or Angela tonight?" Dad sounded a bit cheery. I suppose in all of my happy glory I had forgotten to spend time with him.

"Nah. I think movie night with my old man might be just what I need right now. Haven't had one of those nights in a while." Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Dad grin.

"What do you want to watch?"

"Hmmm. How about an old classic?" Dad's eyes widened. He hated watching classic movies with me. I laughed. "I mean something like Rush Hour."

"Rush Hour, huh? We haven't watched that one in a while."

Rush Hour was a movie that Dad and I bonded with many years ago when he was the "not cool dad" and I was the "selfish daughter". He loved Jackie Chan. I loved Chris Tucker. It was a balance of comedy and action all rolled into one giant ball of Father-Daughter bonding.

After the movie, Dad and I started to do something we rarely did. We talked, as in a real conversation. He asked me about school, about the aquarium, about my relationship with Embry, and about Angela. The one thing he obviously skipped over was Jacob. A part of me was glad, but there was something inside of me that wanted to talk to Dad about it. However, I could not find it in me to bring it up.

"Embry's going to Auburn? Louisianna Sate would be better, but…" He chuckled.

"Full scholarship and all." I agreed proudly.

"So, where is he tonight? Isn't he usually around here on Tuesday?"

"Usually, but he's got some college interview this evening." I replied.

Dad cocked his head to the side. "I thought he was going to Auburn?"

"Yeah. He already agreed to go to Auburn, but he seems a lot more excited about the interview tonight than the whole idea of going to Auburn altogether." I answered not really knowing the real reason Embry was interviewing with another college.

"It's good he's keeping his options open. Any big plans for Valentine's Day?"

The holiday that I usually dreaded was this coming Friday. Since single was not my current relationship status, dread had turned into excitement, and I suddenly realized why people in relationships loved Valentine's Day. Sure, you express your feelings for that special someone every day, but there was a day set aside every year to do something extremely special for the person you loved.

Loved?

"We're having dinner on the reservation, then we're going to head over to Angela's for a little party type thing." Talking with Dad had never been easier. Marybelle must have muted him down a bit.

"Alright. Just remember curfew is midnight." Dad stood up and stretched.

"Midnight? It's usually ten!" I exclaimed. A giant smile spread across my face.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Bells." He chuckled and rubbed his belly. "Well, I'm heading to bed. Don't stay up too late. School in the morning."

Wednesdays after school, I headed straight to the aquarium. Angela and I typically carpooled whenever we both had work, but today was different. Breaking our routine felt weird, but I had promised Embry that I would be over as soon as I was able to leave from work.

"Why do you have to go over there tonight?" Angela pouted as we both walked toward the parking lot.

"Tuesday's are usually our evenings together, but he had a college interview last night. So, ya know." I shrugged not seeing what the big deal was.

"I guess." Angela huffed.

"Are you upset?" I asked.

"I guess I am. I don't know, Bella. It just feels like you're blowing me off for Embry. I like our girl time on the way to work. And what about stopping by the diner for burgers?" Angela pushed her glasses up her face and scrunched her lips up into a line.

"Aw, c'mon Ang! We can do all that tomorrow evening." Bumping my shoulder with hers, I tried to be cheerful and friendly, but it didn't seem to be to working. Angela still looked a bit upset.

"I just don't want this to become a routine." Angela frowned. "You're like the only friend I have now that Jessica and her minions hate me."

"_They_ were not your friends." I narrowed my eyes toward Angela. "Friends don't talk like that to each other."

"Like what?" She asked almost completely clueless to the conversation I had overhead in the bathroom.

"Ang, you know what I'm talking about." She blankly stared at me. "In the bathroom…when I first met you…"

"Oh. Oh! You're right. I'm not saying those girls are nice people at all." Angela shrugged. "I'm not as concerned with me as I am you. I don't want you making Embry another Jacob." This time, Angela narrowed her eyes at me.

Sighing, I collected my thoughts. Maybe she was right. Maybe Embry was becoming another Jacob. Maybe I was starting to put him before everything else, but I had not seen him in a few days. There was nothing wrong with hanging out with him instead of Angela for the night. As long as I didn't make it a routine thing, then it would be fine.

"It won't be a routine thing. I promise this is the first and last time I blow you off for Embry. Okay?"

Angela nodded her head in agreement. When we finally reached the front doors of the school, Angela stopped before we went our separate ways. "I just don't want to be a penciled in kind of friend, ya know?"

It was then that I understood what she meant. "You aren't. This is the first and last time. I promise." I smiled trying to reassure her, again, that I was being one hundred percent honest.

"Alright. Be careful and I'll see you at work." Angela jogged off into the direction of her car.

Angela was an awesome friend, but she seemed to be clingier lately. I suspected it could have to do with the fact that Valentine's Day was right around the corner, and she had no one else but me. Maybe she needed a boyfriend? Someone else to occupy her time with. That became my mission. Finding a love interest for Ang was a must and on the top of my to-do list.

Every guy I passed on the way to my car was put on the "roster" unless otherwise known to be a jerk, ass, player, or gay. Angela's definition of a boyfriend changed frequently, so I never knew what she really looked for. Either way, there seemed to be a large gathering of guys close to my car. As I approached, I noticed Paul, Jared, Quil, Mike, Erik, and Tyler. All of who were jerks, except for Erik. He seemed to be decent enough as I had yet to hear anything but nice about him. So, with a huge smile on my face, I greeted them.

"Hey guys!"

Their attention was pulled from whatever it was they were discussing and to me. Had I known there were two other people on the opposite side of the car, I would have never spoken up, because staring a hole straight through me were the ever familiar darkest set of onyx eyes. His lips spread into a full Jacob smile. It was _my _smile – the one I had known since we were little kids and the one I had fallen in love with. My determination faded by a fragment.

"Hey Bells." Jacob's voice chirped and was mixed in with that of Embry's and a few others I hadn't noticed from the opposite side of the group.

"Hey Em. I didn't see you there." I said avoiding the awkward hello from Jacob while Embry made his way around the car. Taking a few steps toward him, I squeezed my free arm around his waist as he left a soft kiss on my hair just above my ear.

Before he pulled away completely, Embry huskily whispered, "You're coming over tonight?"

My cheeks flooded with warmth and blush, and I tried looking everywhere else but at Embry, who was chuckling softly to himself. The only sight I caught was that of Jacob's expression as his smile dropped to a frown. Quickly, he turned, gathered what seemed to be his books from the ground, and walked to his truck.

Awkward was the only appropriate term to describe the moment. My heart told me to say hello, to make his smile reappear, but my brain replayed horrid memories from months ago. Hadn't it been long enough? Had Jacob not suffered? Was the situation even understood by him? How would I know if he understood my actions if I never asked him?

The roar of Jake's truck starting pulled me from my thoughts. As he backed out of his parking space, I stared at the back of his head hoping that maybe he could see me through the rearview mirror with a smile on my face. Only this time, I didn't want him to think I was smiling in order to make him uncomfortable. This time, I wanted him to smile too. It was my silent hello to his silent goodbye.

Blaring red brake lights hypnotized me as Jake sat in his truck waiting patiently. Only, I didn't know who he was waiting on until Embry spoke up.

"Guess it's time to go. I'll see you later." That huskiness was back in his voice. A shot of his sweet elixir eased through my veins as his lips flirted with the skin of my ear lobe. The hair on the back of neck stood on end and a flush of chills ran across my skin.

"Yeah." I whimpered when his fingertips slipped under the back of my shirt and lightly grazed the skin there. For a few moments after Embry left, I forgot why I had spoken up, but then Erik Yorkie approached me nervously.

"Hey Bella." He tossed his head to the side and essentially set his shaggy hair in place.

"Hey Erik." I smiled.

"You're friends with Angela Weber, right?" His voice shook slightly, and I almost laughed at the oddity of the situation.

"Yeah. Why?" Asking was more out of politeness then real question.

"Is she…uh…does she have a boyfriend?"

Realizing I was going to be late for work, I quickly took Erik's number and assured him that Angela was not dating anyone. I, also, promised to put in a good word or two for him. Once I was at work, I explained to Angela the situation to which she seemed a bit miffed.

"Bella, I don't need a boyfriend. That's not why I was upset."

"I know, Angela, but Erik is a good guy. He seemed really interested." I said.

"Really?" She raised her perfectly trimmed eyebrow and smiled. "Do you think Friday is too soon for a date? I mean…it is Valentine's Day, but I've never had a Valentine…"

I let my mind drift off remembering the smell of Embry, and the feel of his hands on my skin. Tingling started where I had last felt Em's touch, the small of my back, and billowed out from there. As I imagined the fire in his grey eyes igniting while he hovered above me, Angela continued her ramble about Erik Yorkie and Valentine's Day.

Most of the evening, I spent in a catatonic state of Embry. Angela finally got up enough nerve to text Erik and asked if he was busy on V-Day. Of course, he was not as I had suspected. The closer it came to the end of my shift, the shakier my body became. Vibrations radiated through my bones.

"Gosh, Bells, why don't you go ahead and go. You seem a little preoccupied anyway." Angela stated and continued to wipe the last little bit of cleaner from the display glass for a three foot shark's tooth.

"I'm just excited to spend time with Embry." Incoherently, I wiped the same spot I had been working on for the past five minutes or so.

"Mmmhmm." Angela knowingly shook her head. "Excited doesn't begin to explain it."

I laughed and blushed. "Hush!"

"Go ahead. It's like ten minutes and we're pretty much already done." Without second thought, I began to clear away the used paper towels and put the cleaning supplies in the cart. "Just be safe."

Again, my cheeks burned with embarrassment. "Ang!"

"What? I'm just saying you're way too young to have a baby."

"I'm…on…birth control." Stuttered out of my mouth.

"Okay." Angela smiled then added, "I want details!"

Ten minutes later, my fist pounded on Embry's front door. My body was so on edge that I had not thought about the chance of Grandma Call and Mrs. Call being home. The connections in my brain were misfiring with naked images of skin on skin. The beat of my heart ceased as the door pulled open. Embry reached out and grabbed my arm. With a quick tug, I was inside and my back was pressed against the closing door. His mouth covered the groan gurgling out of my throat due to the door knob firmly pressing into my back.

"Where's?" I asked when our lips parted for much needed oxygen.

Embry pushed my jacked from my shoulders, and then lifted his white t-shirt over his head. "Out," he answered. Unwaveringly his hands gripped onto my hips, jerking me forward.

My palms ran up his arms and to his smoothly sculpted chest. Little stings of electricity flickered in the tiny amount of space between my hand and his chest. Those jolts were like syringes of sugar being injected straight into my blood stream. All coherent thought was lost. I, suddenly, became a walking and groaning body of hormones.

I could feel my brain losing interest in the doubts, in the truth to the matter. The only opinion that counted was the way Embry touched the curve of my hips and the roundness of my breasts. Sounds, places, things were all illusions in his hands as I had become addicted to the sweet, tender way he loved me. I was overdosing.

By the time I came to enough to realize my surroundings, Embry was shutting his bedroom door behind us. His need for me was so completely obvious in the thin material of his basketball shorts. The site of him with pure need for me should not have embarrassed me as I had seen him like that a lot recently. But, the reality of the situation and where we were heading made a ball of butterflies build up in my stomach. It felt as though they were about to take flight and fly straight out of my throat.

As he approached me and he popped the button on my jeans, I knew I was ready. This was what I wanted. He had brought me out of my metaphorical shell, and had healed me as much as he could. Embry had done everything possible to fix me. When I was with him, I was better and being better was the best thing I could do at the moment.

Embry undressed me. His eyes dauntingly stared straight into mine as he did so. Every so often, his gaze would flow to where he was touching, but instead of watching his own actions, Embry studied the reaction my skin had to his touch. And when I would softly moan, his eyes would immediately glide to my slightly opened mouth.

Moaning seemed to push Embry like it was some type of reward for a job well done. Every time a sound of gratitude floated from my mouth, Embry's teeth would dig into his lip and his chest would cease movement until the soft moan stopped.

I had never experienced someone so interested in the way I reacted, in my movements, in the sounds I made. As weird as it may seem, it turned me inside out. The ache that burned inside of me for him seemed to be but an ember, because when he looked at me with those glorious grey eyes of his – the blackness of his pupils almost entirely covering the charcoal grey of his iris – my body burst into flames. Every single inch of me felt on edge, and I needed more of his sugary sweetness to take the edge off.

"I need you." I whispered as he lay me back on his bed. Embry's lips covered my whispering ones, his tongue tracing outlines and vague figures with mine.

As he hovered above me, his hand slid down my unclothed torso and continued further past my unbuttoned jeans. His artistic fingers worked tirelessly until I was screeching below him, begging for a release. Embry's hips grinded into my hip. His groans were muffled by my hungry lips. My appetite had grown since the last time we had reached these boundaries. The simple work of his magic fingers was less than what I needed.

"More." I breathlessly spoke as his lips attacked my neck.

Embry questioningly looked up with hopeful eyes. "More?" He huskily asked.

"More. I want more." Quickly, I moved my hands from his hip and his shoulder to my jeans and pushed them down. When they reached my knees, I quickly kicked them off.

Embry patiently watched. His eyes stared madly at my naked flesh until his head caught up with the situation.

"Are you sure?" Embry kindly questioned.

To answer, I looped my thumbs into the waist of his shorts and tugged down. Before his shorts were completely down, Embry was anxiously waiting between my legs. For a moment, a split second, while our eyes were locked, I thought I saw a bit of doubt as if he thought I was unsure of the situation. But I was sure, so completely sure. I needed him. I wanted him. Embry made me better.

However, that moment was gone just as fast as it came, but by my own hand instead of his. My hands brought his face to mine, and I kissed him with every last bit of feeling I had left in me. My heart nearly exploded in my chest when Embry's hips pressed into mine forming a connection that I would never forget. Our kissing became erratic, breathy, and powerful. His sweetness overshadowed the blood in my veins. Frantically, our bodies grinded together. The rhythm became faster, harder, and deeper by the passing second until our lips no longer kissed, but touched as breathing had become more important.

"Em!" That ever familiar burning started in my belly. Controlling my body was no longer an option as it began to move on its own forcing that little part of me to come in contact with him. His lips fell to my shoulder. While Embry kissed there softly, his hips gingerly worked my lower half until I was nearly screaming his name. It was then that he pulled back and stared at my scrunched up face and my swollen lips. As all of my heightened awareness came to a screeching, shivering halt, Embry watched until his eyes squeezed shut and his own release resulted in the sweetest sound of my name.

Embry collapsed on top of me. His faced rested between my breasts. Our breathing soon slowed to normal, and my out of control heart began to sputter in weakness. Exhaustion radiated through my bones until I could no longer fight the heaviness of my eyelids.

Peacefully, I slept for what felt like hours in Embry's bed; however, afraid that I had missed curfew, I awoke in a panicked state. Sitting straight up in the bed, I looked around for a clock. With no luck of finding one, I quickly picked up my jeans and dug my cell phone from the pocket. Relief flooded my veins and I feel straight back.

Sudden realization hit me. My heart fell to the floor. I was in Embry's bed naked. In all of my post coital bliss, I had forgotten exactly whose bed I was in. Where was Embry?

From the opposite side of the room, I could hear mumbling and fumbling with paper. Rolling over to my side, I spied a naked Embry energetically drawing. His arm moving quickly. His attention completely focused on the white sheet of paper.

As I watched him draw, an easy feeling fell over me. Most relationships became more complicated after sex, but with Embry it didn't seem to be that way. Our relationship seemed to blossom and grow. Although, he never showed me what he was working on, but I imagined it was something beautiful. If the sketch he had given me for Christmas were any clue as to his ability, then whatever had him sitting at his drawing table completely zoned out had to be pretty amazing as well.

When I started to get up out of Embry's bed, it squeaked loudly. Embry looked up from his sketchpad and to me. Softness came about his face and a blush crept on his cheeks. With a sheet wrapped around his waist, Embry casually walked the few paces between the bed and his drawing area and joined me on the side of his bed.

A soft kiss on the lips and a few seconds later, we found ourselves locked in each other's arms. My head rested neatly between his arm and his chest. Embry's fingers laced through mine, and he watched me from the corner of his eye.

"What are you drawing?" I curiously asked.

"Nothing really. Just an idea I have. I'll show it to you sooner or later." Embry answered.

"Sooner or later, huh? Why not now?" I asked propping myself up on my elbow.

"I have to get a few kinks worked out, then I'll let you see. I promise." The arm that was behind me wrapped around my shoulder and pulled me back down to his chest.

"So, how was that interview yesterday?"

The room became silent, and Embry suddenly became stiff. His strokes ceased and his fingers left mine. Immediately, I imagined it went not so well, but apparently, I was very, very wrong.

"Great, actually." Embry sat up. As he rested his feet on the floor, he looked over his shoulder to me. "There's this school in New York called Pratt Institute. It's an art school. My application was accepted, but I have to send them a portfolio with examples of my work. I only have a few that are good enough right now. So, I'm working on a couple pieces to send them. If they like my portfolio, then I might get fully accepted."

"Wow! Embry, that's amazing! You're amazing!" The fact that he had mentioned New York didn't leave my mind. New York was much further than Alabama. What we had together was far less important than his art, and I understood that. If New York was where his heart was, then I was going to support him as much as I possibly could.

"Yeah. It's expensive, but the advisor said I should qualify for scholarships and student loans. She's actually working on a packet to mail me. I can't believe it Bells. I can't believe I might actually get to go to school for what I love to do." Embry sounded far more excited about the possibility of going to Pratt than anything about Auburn.

"When is your portfolio due?"

"The week after graduation. Sooner if I get it done, but I doubt I will. The piece over there," he pointed toward his drawing table, "is the piece I need to round out my portfolio."

"Promise you'll show me before you mail it off to some amazing art school in New York?" I cheeked a smile and squeezed onto his shoulders.

"I promise." Embry kissed the side of my head. "Now, as much as I would love for you to stay here all night, I'm sure Charlie would probably have my balls if I did. So, you should probably get home. Curfew is in a half hour."

If only a half hour was long enough to properly say goodnight to Embry, then I would not have had to call Dad on my way home to tell him that I would be late. Nor would I have had to endure the thirty minute lecture about why curfews were important. While Marybelle had calmed Dad's fears down a bit, she did not agree with me being late. So, she agreed to the punishment of having to stay home for the rest of the following two weeks. I think most of Marybelle's worry was to do with what I actually had been doing while I was with Embry. As she already knew, I was on birth control, so there was not much she had to worry about when it came to that.

I imagined it was a hard issue to bring up, so when she approached me the night before Valentine's Day, I was shocked with what she had to say.

"Hey Bells. Have a minute?" Marybelle stood in my doorway.

"Sure, sure." I waved her in and signed off of my laptop.

"I just wanted to make sure everything was," she stopped and lifted an eyebrow, "okay."

"Everything is great. Except for not being able to go out tomorrow night or be able to hang out with Angela." I shrugged not sure exactly what she could be leading up to.

"Well, I can probably," Marybelle took a few steps inside my room and closed the door behind her, "guess why you were late the other night. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Yeah. I'm fine. Really. Well, except, I think Angela is still upset with me, because I blew her off to go see Embry." I had explained to her the next morning that I wasn't allowed to hang out due to my being late. She said she understood, but I wasn't so sure she had.

"Have you been taking your pills?" Marybelle's attention was on the little blue container of birth control on my desk.

"Yes, I have." I smiled.

"Just wanted to double check. So, tell me what's up with Angela. Why'd you blow her off?"

Marybelle and I talked well into the night about friendships. Hearing another person's point of view on my blowing off Angela made me feel a lot worse than I previously did. I had not intended on getting Erik Yorkie's number to replace me, nor had I intended on making Angela feel less important to me just because I wanted to hang out with Embry.

"I feel really bad." I said as I climbed under the covers.

"Well, maybe this coming weekend you can have some friends over for dinner. I think as long as you're here that Charlie will be okay with it." Marybelle suggested.

Having everyone together to hang out with would be a great way to spend time with not just Embry but my friends too. It had been such a long time since the Quileute boys had been over for dinner.

"Maybe Angela can come help us cook the night before?" _Was I actually initiating a sleepover? _

"Girls night!" Marybelle laughed. As she opened the door, she turned and gave me a soft smile. "You know, Bells, Charlie sees a lot of bad all the time. He worries. That's just him."

"I know, but don't you think a warning would have been good enough? I was only forty-five minutes late." I sort of pouted.

"Yeah, but I knew what you were doing. Charlie has a pretty good idea too. You better watch him around Embry. Night Bells."

"Night Marybelle."

With less amount of worry grazing through my mind, I slept soundly that night. Although, it was not as peaceful as the tiny, hour long nap I had taken at Embry's. Still, it was much needed. The following day at school was full of flowers and candy and Embry's sad, pouting face that I was not "allowed" to go out due to my breaking curfew.

"I knew that second go around could have waited." Embry joked as we approached our group of friends after school.

"Embry!" I shrunk back into his embrace and hoped to God no one else had heard. Much to my dismay, when I glanced up Jacob's dark stare was there. A somber look fell upon his face. The piece of my hear that had forgiven him without my permission wanted to say something funny just to make that bright smile of his reappear, but the rest of me would not allow it.

Before Embry walked me out to my car, I made sure to invite everyone over for dinner.

"The first weekend in March! Don't forget!" I waved to the loud group of Quileutes.

"If you're cooking, I'm there." Quil rubbed his belly.

"Miss your cooking, Bella? Never." Jared sarcastically answered.

"Spaghetti. I want spaghetti." Paul demanded.

While the other's accepted their invites and made requests, I pulled Angela off to the side and apologized, again, for blowing her off.

"So, we'll cook Friday night, have dinner on Saturday, and that night we can have girls night with Marybelle." I explained the plans I had made.

"Yeah, yeah. I've heard it all before." Angela rolled her eyes, but a smile fell upon her face. "Just joking, Bells. Since Marybelle is included, I know you're not going to blow me off on this. I'll be there!"

"Alright. Well, I have to go. Dad's keeping a tight ship these days. Can't be late anymore or they'll put me in a dungeon." I joked.

Embry must have heard me telling Angela I had to go, because he left his group of friends to say goodbye. A giant hug and a sweet kiss later, I was walking in the parking lot with an arm full of red roses and a huge heart shaped box of chocolates. Embry may have bought the most cliché Valentine's Day gifts ever, but it was the thought that counted. And boy did it count. My heart nearly leaped out of my chest and into his hands when I saw him standing at my locker with them that morning. It was one of the sweetest gestures anyone had ever made for me, and I appreciated it no matter how cliché or "dumb".

The closer I came to my car, the more my attention rested on the yellow blob sticking from the blade of my windshield wiper. Had a bird tried to use my windshield as a toilet again? Sure, sure, my car was nothing grand, but it was still very valuable to me. After all, it was given to me by someone who was important to me at that point in time. Not to mention it was my first car ever.

I kept my attention on the yellow blob on my windshield. As I approached, the yellow blob suddenly had a long green blob connected to it. The blurriness of the yellow and green blob cleared the closer I got until suddenly it wasn't just a green and yellow blob. Instead, on the windshield of my car lay a single yellow long stem rose. Attached to the rose with a white piece of string was a folded up piece of paper.

Keeping my attention on the yellow rose, I put the roses Embry had gotten me in the back seat of the car and tossed the box of chocolates in the passenger seat. Once my arms were free, I lifted the windshield wiper, which was securing the rose to the windshield itself, and grabbed the rose.

The rose was that perfect shade of yellow where it's not too bright, but not too pale. And, the petals were all bloomed just slightly enough to see the center. Twirling the rose between my forefinger and thumb, I thought about who it could be from.

Yellow roses usually signified friendship, so maybe Angela had put it there. After all, there weren't really many other people I was close enough with that they would give me a rose on Valentine's Day. And whoever had gotten the rose wanted it to be somewhat secretive. If not, then they would have given it to me publicly. Unless it was someone who I wasn't publicly friends with?

I sighed with confusion until the attached note hit the tips of my fingers. I had forgotten about it. Hopefully, whoever left me the rose would have the guts to sign their name. So, I opened the small, folded piece of paper. The chicken scratch handwriting immediately caught my attention. My heart triple beated in my chest as I read what _he_ had to say.

_Bells,_

_I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I miss you. I miss us._

_Love, _

_J.B._

I don't know what it was about the note that made my heart forgive Jacob more, but it did. Yet, my brain still felt the need to flash those images of Jacob's angry, hateful face causing tears to burn in the corners of my eyes.

I missed him too. I missed us too. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to be friends with him, but there was still something holding me back, something deep inside of me that said I shouldn't. However, with the effort he had been making recently and the need I felt to make him smile again, I decided a little communication was better than none.

Grabbing a pen and piece of paper from my backpack, I quickly wrote a reply and stuck it to his windshield.

_Jake,_

_I'm trying._

_Bells._

After all, in order to forgive someone, you had to try.

When I got home, I ran straight upstairs to my room. The red roses I sat on my desk in a beautiful vase. They put a smile on my face every time I glanced at them. The yellow rose, well, not so much. I grabbed the book on the farthest right hand side of my book shelf, and opened it as close to the center as possible.

Closing my eyes, I lifted the yellow rose to my nose and inhaled it's beautifully friendly scent. With an aching heart, I placed it and the note between the pages of The Whale Watcher's Guide, and placed the book between two heavy encyclopedias that sat on the other side of my desk for safe keeping.


	15. Embry: Part 4: I Love You

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening: **The Commodores – Easy; Sia – Breath Me.

**Author's Note: **Due to the length of this chapter, it will be broken up into parts. LuvinJ is amazing. That's all you need to know.

**March**

_**I love you.**_

With the dinner to look forward to, the rest of February went by in a flash. Marybelle made a huge deal about the dinner party. She and I spent the weekend before shopping for place settings, table clothes, napkins. Pretty much, Marybelle bought a new set of everything. Her reasoning was that our home needed a bit of her "southern" touch. So, when she went for the red and white polka dotted table cloth, I didn't interject. After all, the finished product was beautiful, but it seemed a bit too patriotic for March. No one would point out the fact that the table cloth was red, the plates were white, and the napkins were white with a blue oriental design.

The Friday night before dinner, Angela came over to help with cooking and setting up. Dad looked to be a bit uncomfortable what with all of the estrogen floating around in the air and quickly decided to run out to the reservation for a "guys night" with Billy. With Dad not restricting our use of boy band music, the house quickly began to boom loudly with laughter, music, and girly chit chat.

Angela was stirring the crock pot filled to the rim with homemade marinara sauce. Marybelle was finely chopping some green bell peppers to add to the sauce, and I sat at the table crimping the edges of a newly stuffed ravioli.

"Erik asked me to prom!" Angela blurted with a smile. I noticed the way her face lit up and how much more beautiful she seemed when she smiled that way.

"Erik? Who's Erik?" Marybelle concentrated on the extremely sharp knife as she sliced away at the pepper. "Do we know an Erik?"

"Erik Yorkie." Angela beamed. "He works on the school newspaper. Actually, he's the senior editor."

"A journalist, huh? Well, they can be fun, almost always intelligent, and usually ready for anything. I think that's a job requirement. Great, great lovers." Marybelle said while Angela and I stared at her. Eventually she looked up and smiled. "What? Being a flight attendant has its perks."

Angela and I simply looked at each other and giggled before returning to our tasks. "Embry and I haven't talked about prom at all. I assume we're going."

"Oh you're going!" Marybelle stopped chopping and looked at me with furrowed brows.

Angela laughed. "Bells, you know Embry will ask, probably at the last minute, but he'll ask. He's a late bloomer."

"Late bloomer?" Cocking my eyebrow at Angela, I couldn't fight the cheesey smile on my face. Maybe Embry did wait until the last minute to do things. I suppose that was a flaw of his.

"Speaking of bloomers," Marybelle seriously said, "you have been taking your pill right?"

"Bloomers and the pill? How does that even go together?" Angela seemingly unconsciously said.

Marybelle shot her a not-so-thrilled-with-your-remark look and raised her brow. "Bloomers are panties where I come from. And honestly, those Quileute boys are panty melters. Are ya'll sure they're all supposed to be in high school? Coach Whitlock isn't running some crazy football scheme is he?"

A cackling laugh exploded from deep in my belly. "Panty melters? Marybelle, did you just call them panty melters?" I gasped for oxygen. Tears of laughter fell down my face. Angela sustained her laughing by a hand over her mouth and a hand pressed against her stomach. I, on the other hand, could not control anything about my laughter.

"It's true!" Marybelle laughed, but a few seconds later, she lifted a worried eye and politely asked me to answer without really saying a word.

As my laugh calmed down, I nodded my head. "Yeah. I have been. Plus, you know," I waved the fork in small circles as I talked in hopes of wafting out the uncomfortable subject. "Embry wears a… he uses… We use condoms. Too."

"Always?" Angela asked. The expression on her face matched the worry on Marybelle's.

"Not always, but most of the time." I answered quickly and picked up the empty cheese bowl.

"Bella!" They both screeched causing me to want to shrivel up, but honesty was always a policy with me.

"I know. I'll make sure we…" I began.

"You damn sure better!" Marybelle insisted.

Dropping the empty bowl of cheese mixture in the sink, I glanced at both Marybelle and Angela. I was thankful to have two amazing women in my life who were actually concerned about my well being just as much as I was theirs. It was a different feeling than I had felt for the first seventeen years of my life, but the past was no longer an issue. The present was all that mattered, and I was okay with it all, except for the absence of someone I cared a lot about.

"Is Jake coming tomorrow?" Angela asked. Her attention stayed stationary on the crock pot. The wooden spoon she was using to stir stilled in her hand as Marybelle carried over a handful of green peppers.

"You know with Charlie being over at Billy's he's going to invite Jacob over, right? Sometimes, I think he misses the boy more than you do." Marybelle dropped the peppers into the sauce.

Instead of a sting in my chest at the mention of Jacob's name, there was a soft aching for him. The ache was nothing like it used to be. My body no longer shook uncontrollably with need to be next to him. Now, all I could focus on was what had happened and how badly I missed him.

The kitchen grew quiet. My concentration was fully on the fallen friendship, and the hurt I still felt. Would that ever fully go away? I hoped that it would eventually become some long lost memory, or maybe that I would completely forget about it. But would forgetting the whole thing actually do me any good? I needed to learn from this, which I was. I was growing, maturing, and exploring myself. I was happy with where I was, happy that I had my own life, my own dreams, and my own friends. The relationship I had had with Jacob was volatile, and going back there was not an option.

Ever since Valentine's Day, there was a bit of simplicity between me and Jake. It didn't feel as stressful or hurtful to have him included. As a matter of fact, it felt odd when he wasn't around, like our group was not complete. Although I never talked to him, Jake always found a roundabout way of talking to or with me. He'd join a conversation. His attention was always on the third party as if he knew me talking to him was still not an option, but Jake seemed to direct the words he spoke directly to me. In a weird way, that made me feel better.

Forgiving Jacob for what he did was becoming easier, yet it was still a difficult task. While he was still mostly a cocky version of himself, there were plenty of days where I saw _my _Jacob behind the over indulged, self infatuated part. Maybe it was always that way. Maybe I was blind to his cockiness and self infatuation. Anything was possible.

"I don't mind if Jake comes." I said.

The shocked looks Marybelle and Angela gave me were priceless. Their widely opened eyes and hanging jaws actually made me chuckle, but I let them have their moment in awe. There need not be a discussion about everything I said or mentioned. All they needed to know was that I was ready to allow him back into my life, but only a little bit.

Saturday was frantic. Angela, Marybelle, and I were running around like chickens with our heads cut off. Marybelle made a few last minute errands to the grocery store for wine and soda. The wine was for her and Dad while the rest of us settled with Coca Cola. There was something completely classy about drinking soda from a wine glass, except not really. If I had any guts, I would have asked to allow us all one glass of wine, but I had none.

Eight people accepted my invitation in advance. Out of those eight, six showed. Quil, Paul, Jared, and Embry carpooled together. Since Embry was my date and I was hostess, they showed up earlier than the rest. Dad recruited them to help carry an extra table to the dining room. Dad, of course, being the "supervisor".

"Chief, can you grab these chairs, so I can run back down and get the others?" Jared asked as he came up the basement stairs.

Grabbing his lower back, Dad brought up an old baseball injury from thirty years ago. "Sorry, son. I can't. Hurt my back playing baseball in high school. Still kinks up if I lift anything heavy."

I rolled my eyes and laughed. Meanwhile, Angela nervously paced by the front door. She bit at her nails and would continue to do so until Erik showed. To take her mind off of things, I asked for her help in the kitchen. Since there were so many early arrivers, I had pulled some bags of tortilla chips and pretzels from the cupboard and had Ang start to pour them into bowls. As soon as I grabbed the bowl of pretzels, the door bell rang. Angela happily looked up. Reassuring her with a smile, I sat the bowl down on the table and headed for the door.

On my way to the front door, I noticed that Dad and the rest of the Quileute boys had ventured down to the basement. Dad was probably showing them old baseball pictures and articles from when he pitched for the high school team. I had heard those stories so many times that I nearly had them memorized.

As I passed the dining room, I noted the extra table and chairs in the far corner and their lack of décor. Thinking that it was a bit aggravating that the boys were downstairs and Angela and I were left upstairs to do everything, I took the last few steps unknowingly to the door and swung it open. My attention was still fully on the dining room.

"Hi." Jacob's voice blared through my mind ceasing all thought processes.

I blinked and casually looked in his direction. There was a passive smile on his face. I gripped onto the door knob, and simply stood there staring at him like he were a ghost. And in fact, I felt like I had seen a ghost, because he looked so much like _my_ Jacob. His demeanor was the same. The softness of his onyx eyes held a familiar stare. Although his hair was still a short, spiky mess, the lightness that he carried held so many semblances to that of my long gone best friend. And as much as I wanted to speak, I still could not bring myself to say anything to him. I didn't know if it was all a façade.

Instead of speaking, I opened the door completely and waved my arm for him to come in. Jake quickly accepted my invitation and stepped inside the door. Casually, he reached out and grabbed the door knob. His thumb slightly grazed the side of my hand. A zap of electricity accelerated through my veins until it reached my heart and made it skip a beat. That zap of electricity had been nothing like the sizzles between Embry and me.

"I hope it's okay I'm here." He said. His eyes searched my face for an answer. "Charlie said it would be okay. I would have called, but you don't…talk… to me, so it would have been pointless. Not pointless. Not that I mean it's pointless to try to talk to you. That's not what I'm saying…"

As he began to fumble with words, I merely looked up from the floor. The look in my eyes must have said everything, because his ramble stopped, and Jacob finally took a breath.

"Okay." Jacob started to walk away, but turned back around. He stepped forward until he was far too close again. The scent of his cologne drifted into my nostrils, but I tried not to breathe. I tried to hold my breath and not breathe him in. I couldn't do that just yet.

"Bells," His forehead wrinkled as his eyebrows lifted. "I know I hurt you bad, and I'm so sorry. I'm doing everything I can to get back, but I'm a different person now, Bells. So are you. I know you're trying to forgive me. I'm not pushing, but I n…"

"Jake! Man, what's up?" Paul bounded up the basement steps loudly. The others filed closely behind him. His voice carried throughout the entire house catching the attention of everyone, including Embry and Dad, who were standing just a few feet from Jake and I. Dad goofily smiled, while Embry, his expression was mixed. It was the first time that I couldn't read exactly what he was feeling.

While Jacob walked away with Paul, Quil, and Jared, Embry came directly to my side. His arm wrapped securely around my waist as if he were making it known that I was with him. Everyone, obviously, knew who I was with, so I only assumed that he was making a statement toward Jacob. Of course, assuming anything makes you look like an ass, so I asked.

"What is that about?" I questioned and loosened his grip on my waist.

"What is what about?" Embry asked completely avoiding the question.

"That. When you came upstairs, why did you come straight over here?" I tried to make it sound like I wasn't miffed with him, but I couldn't lie. I was a little bit.

"You're my girlfriend." Embry answered. Though, the way he said it was more like he was claiming me his territory.

"Jealousy isn't a good quality to have, Em." I said softly, but sternly. There was no real need for the others to hear the argument we were having.

"I'm not jealous, Bells. I promise. I didn't mean anything by it. Sorry." Embry voluntarily admitted defeat which was odd, because he rarely did. He pulled his arm away reluctantly. Immediately, my skin felt cold.

Grabbing his arm, I wrapped it back around my waist. That was normally the way we stood together when we were around everyone. So, I suppose it was no big deal. Maybe the shock of Jacob showing up and his apology was getting to me.

Embry stared at me with a puzzled glare in his eyes. "I thought you said?"

"I changed my mind. Sorry. I'm a little on edge."

"Because Jake's here?" Embry asked and looped a finger through my belt loop. "I can ask him to leave if you want me to."

"No, no. It's okay. He's one of Dad's guests. Not mine." I made it a point to express to Embry that I had not invited Jacob. I don't know why I felt the need to do that, but I did.

"Did I tell you that my dad called earlier?" Embry mentioned.

"No. That's weird. You said he usually doesn't call or anything until around Christmas."

"He said he was moving back in a week or so. Wanted to know if I would like to come by and hang out." Embry sounded hopeful. I hoped for his sake that it was a fulfilled hope.

"Em, be careful. I don't… I couldn't handle it if he ran off and left you behind again." I pleaded with him.

"I don't think he will this time, Bells. He seems really excited about me going to Auburn." Embry chirped.

"I thought you were going to Pratt?" I asked completely confused. I didn't know that he had made a decision.

"I still want to go to Pratt, but Dad says it'll be good for me to go to Auburn and follow through with football." My heart fell at his statement. I wanted Embry to go wherever it was that made him the happiest. The way he had talked about Pratt compared to Auburn was obvious enough what his passion was for. Football was not it.

"Oh." was all that I could muster up to say.

Marybelle arrived just a few moments later with Erik and Sam behind her. While the guests took their seats, Marybelle, Angela, and I served the food. Many "mmm's" were mumbled as we spooned the baked ravioli, fresh baked garlic bread, and homemade marina sauce.

As I took my seat, I noticed the familiar seating arrangement. It reminded me of the first time I had dinner with Embry and Jacob. Embry and I sat on one side of the table while Jacob sat across from us. We formed a perfect triangle. I sighed at the love triangle analogy popping into my head, and concentrated on eating my food.

Conversation was thick, but I didn't hear much of what was said. I sat quietly eating my food and trying hard not to think about how much Jake reminded me of _my_ Jacob again. His familiar presence was warm and inviting. I often found myself fighting the words sprouting on my tongue, because I could still see the darkness in his eyes.

Everyone seemed set on a college as that had been the main discussion of the group. Embry and I were the only two undecided. Embry, however, had Pratt and Auburn to choose from. I, on the other hand, had not thought a single ounce about college in a while. It was a bad thing to do, but I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was only eighteen. I couldn't drink legally. How was I supposed to make a decision about the rest of my life at that point?

"Where you going Bella?" Quil asked and took a bite out of a large ravioli. The sauce smeared down his chin.

"I don't know. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life, so I don't even know where to begin." I shoved a ravioli around on my plate.

"You're still young. You have time to figure it out." Quil replied like he was old enough to give me advice on which college to choose.

"What about all that aquarium stuff? Why not something like that?" Jacob interrupted mine and Quil's conversation.

I blankly stared at him, asking if he actually expected me to answer. When he lifted his eyebrows expectedly, Embry came to my rescue.

"We've talked about that. She said she didn't know." I glanced at Embry and gave him a small smile, thanking him for answering for me.

"Well, I mean, she's always loved the ocean and the beach. If you can't ever find her, then check the beach. She's usually there building sand castles. Or at the docks now, I guess." Jacob stated firmly.

Embry glared. "Yeah that's true, but still…whatever she wants to do, wherever she wants to go, then that's what she should do."

"You're not thinking of going to Auburn are you?" Jake blurted. The creases forming on his face led me to believe he was becoming angry.

"No. She's not." Embry answered quickly. His statement was littered with a "drop it" kind of tone.

Little did Embry know, I had been accepted to Auburn, and I probably would have gone had it not been so expensive and had he not mentioned Pratt. But, I was not going to mention that idea when a polite argument was erupting between the two people I loved the most.

Loved?

"Good." Jake bit into his garlic bread and dropped it onto his empty plate. "I should go."

"Go? You just got here. The game's on in ten." Dad quickly spoke up.

"Alright." Jake answered Dad, but stared at me with a smile. "What channel?" He asked as he stood.

"What channel? Son are you brain dead?" Dad laughed as he stood, grabbed a six pack of beer from the refrigerator, and followed Jake into the living room.

The evening had suddenly become uncomfortable. It didn't matter that I was surrounded by the people I felt most comfortable around. There was just a feeling floating around. A feeling that seemed to grow larger.

Embry impatiently sat at the table while I gawked toward the open door way of the living room. Jacob's voice floated in and out of my ears as he conversed with Dad. The anger, the hatred that I had concentrated on was falling out of my grip. I couldn't hold on much longer.

As I turned my attention back to the table full of my friends, Embry's did too. I couldn't help but see the puzzled, pained, and torn expression on his face. I wanted to ask him about it, but then I heard Jacob talk again and my mind floated elsewhere.

The dinner I had planned on being an escape a refuge had suddenly turned into a tug of war between Embry and Jacob. And it didn't seem to get easier as time passed. Both of their faces, both of their voices, both of their smells haunted me.

As usual, Jacob disappeared from my life. I saw him at school, casually hung out in the same group as him, but nothing else. No other effort was put into the mix, and _my _Jacob had all but ceased to exist while others were around.

Embry, on the other hand, was always there. Always.

Over the passing weeks, Embry's dad had come back into his life. I was happy for him. His smile never seemed sweeter. There was a newfound arrogance in his step. When Em was not with me, he was with his dad doing whatever it was that fathers and sons did together. I imagined they played football, worked on cars, and talked about women in the ways we did not like to hear. I only hoped Em had enough respect for me to not share details about our relationship.

Saturdays were set aside for Embry and Anthony, Em's Dad, to do their manly things, so I was usually at the aquarium helping Angela keep the exterior walls of the tanks clean. It was dirty work, but being there kept me sane. Watching the many species of fish and mammals swim was refreshing and soothing. I had not had much to be sad about over the past few months. Still hanging in the back of my heart was that burning need for Jake. It was not the same need I had experienced at the end of summer and through the beginning of the school year. This need was lack of companionship. I missed him.

If I wasn't at the aquarium, then I was at home. Dad's ability to leave huge messes around the house had dwindled down since Marybelle had moved in. However, he, still, had no clue how to throw away the empty beer cans or wash a dish. On this particular day, I had decided to stay home. The house had been neglected more-so than usual what with everyone's busy work and school schedules.

There was an antagonizing feeling lingering in the air. Embry was with Anthony. Dad was working, but he and Marybelle had a date later in the evening. Marybelle was on a shopping excursion in Seattle until Dad met up with her at their favorite restaurant, The Leaping Squid. So, I was home alone for the entire day – just me, myself, and I. Although I usually found comfort at the aquarium, there was nothing like having a day off to keep yourself sane.

It was mid-afternoon. Laundry was done. Dishes were drying on the drying rack. I was plopped on the couch with a hot cup of tea, and a copy of Romeo and Juliet. The story may have been tragic, but it was a beautiful story, none-the-less. I had just gotten to the part where Romeo first saw Juliet at the Capulet ball, when the front door slung open. As I jumped up from the couch, my cup of tea fell to the floor, and Romeo and Juliet landed in the newly forming puddle of tea. A soft panic set in my chest. My heart beat wildly, and the air going in my lungs burned. Who was slinging open my front door like that? Was it… Could it be… Jacob?

That idea had me running to the front door. By the time I reached the doorway of the hall and the living room, Embry had darted in the door and slammed it behind him. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot. The tip of his nose was an odd shade of crimson. The anger in his eyes burned into mine.

"Em, what's wrong?" I asked, scared of what his answer could be. Had Jacob done the unthinkable? Did something happen to his Mom? Did his dad bail again?

"I should have known!" Embry yelled. He swung his arm back, and slung his car keys down the hall at full force. "Damnit. I should have known. I'm an idiot, Bells. You know that? I'm a damned idiot. You're daiting an idiot."

"Shh. Em, calm down." Reaching out, I touched his stomach. Automatically, his flailing arms fell to his sides, and his demeanor shifted from anger to sadness.

I hated seeing Embry this way. He was always so sweet, so kind, and so thoughtful. It left me wondering how someone could hurt him intentionally.

"What happened? Aren't you supposed to be spending the day with your dad?" When my question fell into the air, I realized the one thing that could leave him feeling this way. There was only one person in the entire world that could leave Embry feeling like a failure in all of his success: Anthony.

The realization must have appeared on my face, because that was when Embry fell to his knees. Tears bled onto his cheeks. His arms wrapped around my waist as he buried his face on my stomach. The silence surrounding us suddenly became filled with Em's sobs. My hands found their way to his hair. Strand by strand, I tried comforting him, but I had not comforted many people before. It was new to me. I cared too much for Embry to not console him. My heart was breaking for him. I could only imagine the amount of pain and disappointment he had to be feeling.

"Tell me what happened." I whispered, running my fingers down the back of his head and softly rubbing.

Embry shook his head "no", but his sobs still came like the rain in the spring. His shoulders shook with every heart-wrenching cry, and his strong arms squeezed onto me for dear life. I loved that he needed me, that he wanted me, and that I was voluntarily in his life. I loved that he trusted me enough to cry in front of me. I loved that he held onto me like I would walk away. I loved the way he laughed, the sweetness in his kiss, and the way he always seemed to know what I was thinking. _I loved him._

My knees went weak. I fell to them. Embry's arms slid up my waist until they flimsily fell to his sides. His head hung. His grey eyes looked directly into my mine. The hurt there, _the betrayal_, yanked my heart out of my chest. I wanted nothing more than to see the light back in his eyes. I wanted to feel his smile. I wanted to taste his sweetness. I cupped his cheeks.

"It'll be okay. Tell me what happened, so I can make it okay." Consoling him became like second nature to me. His stare darted back and forth between my lips and my eyes.

As the tears dripped from his eyes, Embry spoke. "He bailed, again. He left like I didn't matter, like I was nothing to him. Like… like… I wasn't his son anymore."

His last statement tore a chunk of my heart out. I wanted to collapse on the floor and cry with him, but I had to be strong. This time, I was his protector.

"What's wrong with me? What's so wrong with me that even my own dad wants nothing to do with me?"

My hand lifted. My fingertips flirted with the strands of his shaggy hair. Brushing a piece of hair from his eyes, I smiled. "There's not one thing wrong with you. It's his loss that he doesn't know the amazing man his son has become. It's his fault that he only comes around long enough to catch glimpses of how brilliant you are. Don't you see it, Em? Don't you feel it?"

Embry's tears began to dry up. He simply shook his head and sniffed back a nod. For a second, his eyes dropped, and then returned with more force, with more feeling.

"Don't you know how amazing you are? How strong you are? Not that you need me to tell you how great you are, but I will, Em. I'll tell you every second of every day, because," I stopped to take a breath and smiled so large it hurt my face. "Because I love you." I said with a nod of my head.

The gaze he held me in, somehow, intensified. A spark lit in his grey eyes. Swallowing hard, I took realization on what I had said. Maybe it was not the right time. Maybe it was. All I knew was how I felt, and I felt it as strongly as I could feel the warmth of the Phoenix summer sun.

"You mean that?" He asked.

With a smile on my face and a tear in my eye, I nodded my head like the fool that I was.

Embry draped his arms around my waist again. "I love you, Bella." He said distinctly. "I love you for everything you do, and everything you don't do. I love the way you laugh at my stupid jokes. I love how you think my drawings are the best things in the world. And I love the way I'm not just some star football player to you. I love that you love me."

His lips pressed against mine. The familiar sweetness poured through his kiss and into my soul. Embry hadn't kissed me that way before. A soft need sifted in with the sugar of his soul forming a syrupy love that I would never forget.

"I love you." Embry tenderly spoke through our gentle kisses.

"I love you too." I replied.

There, on the floor in front of the front door, Embry made love to me just the way I had always dreamed. Embry drowned me in his love, and I willingly gave up the air I needed to breathe.

Although he never really brought Anthony up again, I knew the situation bothered him, so I tried to give him room to heal. But I was always just a blink away ready and willing to be the shoulder he needed to lean on. Embry turned out not to need my shoulder as much as I had hoped. Instead, he became distant, preoccupied. Something always seemed to be on his mind.

"Hello." Embry answered on the fourth ring just as I was about to hang up.

"Hey!" I squealed. Sadly enough, my squeal was the smallest reaction I could make at the moment.

Embry chuckled softly, but I could tell his attention was on something else.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Working on that drawing for my portfolio. Fuck! Hold on a second." Embry cursed. Coming loudly through the receiver were the sounds of crumpling paper, and pencils being rustled around. They clanked loudly together.

"Mess up?" I asked kindly and desperately tried to not frustrate him anymore than he already was. Pressure seemed to all but build around him these days.

"Yeah. I just can't get this right. It's not right." Embry's words drifted off as I pictured him staring intently at the piece he was working on.

"New York is back on now?" I remembered his passiveness about Pratt during dinner a few weeks ago, but that had more to do with Anthony than with Embry. Embry's heart was in his art. Everyone who knew him saw that.

"Yeah." He shortly responded. No emotion. No thought. His response almost seemed automatic.

"Something wrong? You seem kinda distant?" A ball of fear started to roll in my belly.

"Just the stuff with Dad and then this stupid portfolio…" Embry sounded like he could go on for days, but he stopped. His words, his explanation stopped.

"You sure that's all?" I wondered. Was there something I had done?

Silence met my eardrum. All I could hear was the sound of his breath, but doubt and hesitation seemed to ooze through the phone lines. I swallowed thickly expecting him to say more, but instead he picked his words calmly.

"Nah. It's cool. Just busy, Bells, busy."

"Okay." I cleared the nervousness in my throat. "Well, I'll let you go. See you tomorrow at school?"

"Yeah." Embry's voice was distant, and his attention was long gone on our conversation, but I had one more thing I needed to say.

"I love you." I whispered almost too softly. The beat of my heart was almost louder than my actual words.

"I know you do, Bells. I love you too…" There was a pause again like he wanted to say something else, but couldn't. Why did I feel like there was a "but" coming? It never came; however, its resonance still hung in the air.


	16. Embry: Part 5: Ocean & Sand

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening: **Sia – Breath Me; Secondhand Serenade – Why; Sara Bareilles – Gravity.

**Author's Note: **Hello again everyone! I'm an updating machine recently, huh? Well, I'm afraid that'll probably drop off since I am back from Spring Break now. So, all of my concentration _should_ go to my school work. Anyway, I was going to post April and May together, but I've posted all the other parts separately. I'm just gonna stick to that. April is shorter than the rest. It's literally one scene, but it's very, very important. Also, I think when I posted the teaser for Chapter Eleven that I had April sectioned off for Prom and May for Spring Break. However, I realized that those should actually be swapped. Prom is usually in May and spring break is usually somewhere around April. So, yeah, this is the "spring break" chapter. Much love to luvinj for always being there. I seriously would not be where I am now without her and her amazingness.

**April**

_**Ocean & Sand**_

"Hey Em. It's, uh, it's Bella. I know you've probably been up all night working on your portfolio. So, call me back when you get up."

A sigh escaped my body as I hung up the phone. Embry had been consumed by the drawing he was working on for his portfolio. The more time passed the harder it was for him to get the drawing right. I hadn't seen him in three days when we left school for Spring Break. Not seeing him was something I could handle, but now talking to him seemed to become just as difficult. He was spending most nights awake and drawing. I was becoming more concerned with the passing hours.

Building sand castles on First beach seemed to calm me down. Thoughts and fears swarmed my brain at ninety miles per hour, but the sounds and sights of the beach helped. My heart skipped beats every moment I thought of the distance forcing its way between Embry and me. I did not want to lose him. He was so good to me and for me.

I only hoped there was nothing I had done to cause Embry to pull away. That was what he was doing after all, pulling away. He was sliding through my fingers, but why?

Nothing had changed. Embry's dad was where he always had been – not there. Jacob was still a skeleton in my closet. I had yet to speak to him, but my heart had all but completely forgiven him. The only thing holding me back, now, were the memories, the pain. Had Embry not so easily said that he loved me, had he not said it first on so many occasions, I would have feared it was that. Em freely admitted his love for me, and I for him.

So, what was going on with Embry was something I didn't see. It was something I didn't know about, and he was being stubborn by not letting me in or allowing me to help. I was being punished for what could only be seen as his insecurities.

The gritty sand between my fingers reminded me of my surroundings. Calm fell over me. My heart beat slowed to normal. The sound of crashing waves echoed in my ears ceasing the shake of my body. I was nervous. Nervous that my life could be changing yet again without my permission.

Why did it feel like there was something always one step ahead of me making my life more difficult? Why couldn't life be easy for me just once? Just once.

As I packed a glob of wet sand in my hand, I kept my eyes on the ocean. Dark clouds hovered above it. The usual greenish blue color was now almost black. A storm was brewing. I could feel it just as much as I could see it.

I threw the wet sand into the castle I had built and pulled my knees to my chest. My interest was on the deep dark abyss of the ocean and the darkness swirling above it. A gust of wind blew. It changed direction and pelted sand into my exposed skin. The stings of the sand grains hurt far worse as the wind had become cooler and picked up speed. I closed my eyes and dropped my head to my knees.

I didn't want to leave. This place made me feel better. And I could think while I was here. Not feel. Think. I could really think. I could think about my relationship and lack thereof with Embry and Jacob. I could think about school and decide what I wanted to do, but there was this huge storm developing while I was trying to figure everything out. Why couldn't I just figure everything out?

Crunching footsteps in the wet sand made me pull my knees closer to my chest. I formed a tiny ball that hopefully blended in with my surroundings. The stranger was unknown as I kept my head down. Squeezing my eyes shut, I wished to be invisible. I wished to be left alone, but I knew down deep being alone was the last thing I wanted to be.

Wind swirled the scent of the ocean around me. Mixed in the salty scent was one that I had grown too familiar with. It was one that I had refused to breathe in and let into my body willingly for fear of what it could possibly do to me. But, this time I could not fight it off. Inhaling deeply, his thick, masculine scent filtered through my body. If I had been talking to him, then I would have told him to go away.

The pace of my heart picked up when his shoulder slightly grazed mine. The zaps of electricity could be felt through oure clothing. As much as I did not want to react to his closeness, it automatically happened.

I waited. Waited for him to speak, to say something that would remind me of all the reasons why I didn't talk to him, but he never spoke. His presence was louder than anything he could have said. No apology could have comforted me as much as him plainly being next to me.

After a few moments with my head down, I looked up. Jake was sitting next to me. His eyes were fixated on the ocean and on the same storm I had been watching before I gave in. The blowing wind tossed a strand of my hair into my face. Tucking it behind my ear, I notice the spikes of Jake's hair were immobile. He didn't flinch like I did when grains of sand pelted into my skin. Instead, he was like a statue sitting next to me. Nothing hurt him. Nothing moved him…at least not on the outside.

I bumped my shoulder into his lightly showing him just as he had shown me that I was here. I was here even if I couldn't find it inside of me to speak to him. I was still here.

Jacob's perfectly sculpted face turned. His eyes met mine, and one side of his mouth lift for a split second into a soft smile. For the first time in a long time, Jake's onyx eyes were the same as those of _my _Jacob. It was then that I realized he was _my Jacob. _He had always been there. It was left up to me to see it.

In his eyes, I saw what I imagined he saw in mine: worry, fear, and frustration. Only, I was sure his was more to do with me and less to do with Embry. The thought that he was hurting over me worried me, scared me, and hurt. It hurt so bad. The hurt is what kept me from saying anything. The hurt is what kept Jacob from me. My own pain and my own fear were the things that had come between us.

Silently, Jake scooted a foot away from me. His attention turned to the area of sand between us. His hand patted down the sand until it was flat and firm, then he took his finger and drew a design. Looking down at the design, I recognized the design as a tic-tac-toe board. A grin spread across my face when he quickly drew an X in the middle square.

I knew in that moment that I didn't need to talk to Jacob. Comfort was in the way he was sitting next to me. Comfort was in the way he willingly didn't speak. Comfort was in the way he respected the boundaries I had built between us. Comfort was in the way he had become my friend to me without reciprocation.

We played tic-tac-toe in the sand for a while. Not a word was said. Not a sigh was sighed. The only sounds floating in the air were the rushing of the salt water ashore and the thunder booming out over the ocean.

My mind had drifted back to Embry. His distance was still a puzzle that I could not figure out. My chest literally hurt at the thought of how far apart we had drifted over the passing weeks. I missed him so much. I missed the comfort and the ease between us.

Knowing that it was my turn to draw out the game board, I quickly washed the Embry thoughts away and turned my attention to the sand. Instead of the old game we had played, there were words scribbled into the sand.

_You okay?_ The message read. Although I was still determined to not speak to Jacob, he had somehow found a loop hole. The loop hole, I had seemingly made on Valentine 's Day when I wrote him back.

I waited for the message to bother me just like it bothered me when he spoke to me. I waited for the reminders of that night in his garage, but none of those things came. Instead, I felt okay. The only hurt I felt was with Embry. So, I wiped away his message and wrote my own.

_No._ I drew back my hand and absorbed my own acknowledgement. I was not okay with this. I was holding it all back, because I did not want to lose Embry.

_Gonna be?_ Jacob wrote underneath my "no".

There was no real way of answering him in the sand, because I didn't know if I was going to be okay. I didn't know if everything was okay, because Embry was closing off. So, I shrugged.

A moment passed before Jake replied.

_Embry?_ He wrote then looked back up at me.

Quickly, I erased his name as it was making my heart skip beats. Jake noticed my rush to rid his name between us and watched intently as I answered.

_Yes._ The wind almost whispered my answer as it picked up and whirled between the two of us. Small particles of sand blew across my answer nearly erasing it.

In the time between my answer and Jacob's next message, I began to wonder what he was thinking. Talking would have been so much easier, but much more painful. Every time I heard his voice, I could hear the hatred. It may have been just me and the fear I had of him hurting me again, but I could still hear it just the same way I used to be able to see the darkness in his eyes. That had gone away though, the darkness. In its place stood lightness and warmth. He radiated a warming comfort in me. Was it compassion?

Soon I was locked in my own head again, over thinking everything. Everything, but Jacob. Content weaved in and out of every fiber of my being as I sat there next to him. Forgiveness easily came, and my resolve had all but slipped completely from my grasp. There was nothing left to hold on to. No more fears to deal with. I was okay, now.

As I was about to turn my attention to Jacob, the wind picked up again and his scent was no longer there. A round of butterflies picked up in my belly, and a tear sprang to my eye. Just when things seemed to be okay, Jake had disappeared again. There was no sign of him. I couldn't smell him in the air. I couldn't feel the warmth radiating from his skin. He was gone. But next to me sat a note scribbled in the sand.

_I miss you. _It said. _Talk to you soon _was writtenwith a small heart just below it. My fingertip traced the outline of the heart.

"I miss you too." I answered finally with the voice I could not find while he was here.

"Who are you talking too?" A shocking sweetness began to course through my veins.

I jerked toward his voice. It was the most beautiful sound to my ears. Excitement exploded from every cell in my body bringing me to my feet. I ran to him. My arms wrapped tightly around his neck. His arms wrapped loosely around my waist.

Kissing his check, I whispered, "I love you."

"I love you too." Embry kissed my ear as he whispered into it. A hint of suspicion was laced in his words. "I saw Jake in his truck when I parked. Were you guys…"

"What? No. I mean, I was here, and he was here. We just sat there." I pointed to where the message was still resting in the sand.

"Did you actually talk to him?" Embry's fingers laced through mine, and he dragged me toward Jacob's words.

"No. Well," I sighed, "kinda? I mean, he wrote stuff in the sand, and so did I."

"Things cool between you guys?" Embry asked. His demeanor shifted to something I had never felt with him before. There was a wall between me and him.

"Not really. I don't know. Let's not talk about Jake, okay? I…did I do something to make you mad?" I blurted out. The words left my mouth before I had time to take them back.

Embry looked at me. His eyes squinted closed creating little lines in the corners. "No, Bella. You didn't."

Letting go of my hand, he walked toward the water. A few feet before the ocean met with the sand, Embry stopped and slipped his shoes and socks off. I watched as he walked to the water and lit it lap at his feet. A whirlwind of emotions twirled around him. I could feel them from twenty feet away, and I had no idea what I had done or said.

Slowly but steadily, I made my way to his side. I rested my hands on either shoulder, and my cheek rested on the side of his left arm. Embry glanced down, his eyes full of apologies and questions.

"Tell me what's wrong." I placed my palms on either side of his face and brought his forehead to mine.

"I don't know what's wrong, Bells. I don't know." He whispered and closed his eyes.

"Do you not…love…me?" I spit the question out like it was covered in rust.

"Is that what you think?" Embry's eyes popped open. Disbelief stared me straight in the eye.

I nodded.

"Don't ever think that Bella. I do love you. I love you so much, but…"

"But what Em? But what?" I asked. My voice quivered with fear and detachment.

Deafening silence met my ears which began to burn with his lack of answer. My stomach churned and flipped with every second that he didn't speak. The heart in my chest stopped beating.

"Nothing." He softly laughed. "I love you, and you love me that is all that matters, huh?"

I shook my head in agreement. "It is, but you're being so distant. I can feel you pulling away."

"I'm sorry. I'm just stressed, Bells. This piece I'm working on for my portfolio is really getting to me, then I have school, and you, and home, and… I just want to be everything to you." Embry's confession left me feeling a bit puzzled. Had I not shown him that he was everything? Did he not believe he was everything to me?

"You are everything, Em." I kissed him softly.

"First place?" Embry's words were almost too low to hear, but I heard them.

"Yes." I answered not really knowing exactly what he meant and too afraid to ask.


	17. Embry: Part 6: Promenade

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening: **Secondhand Serenade – Why; Coblie Caillat – I Never Told You; Sara Bareilles – Gravity; Alexandre Desplat – Dreamcatcher.

**Author's Note: **Due to the length of this chapter, it will be broken up into parts.

**May**

_**Promenade**_

My hours at the aquarium had picked up quite a bit what with tourist season approaching. College choices seemed all but an afterthought. No one had asked me about college since the mini-argument between Jacob and Embry back in March. Maybe they were afraid they'd face the brunt of Jacob's almost annoying remarks about my love for the ocean. Those remarks had become more frequent since we played tic-tac-toe in the sand. Every time I turned around, Jake was mentioning something about University of Florida and how they had a great marine biology program.

I still hadn't geared up enough nerve to talk to him. Otherwise, I would have asked why he knew so much about the marine biology program in Florida. He was a physical education major. That had no relation to marine life what-so-ever.

Embry became agitated whenever Jake would bring up anything about me and my college choices. However, my attention remained on the fact that he had stopped pulling away from me. Somehow, it still felt like there was a giant elephant in the room whenever we were together. Why couldn't he talk to me? After almost an entire month, I had yet to figure it all out. There had to be more to the situation than what he had shared.

There was one situation I had become well aware of – the lack of friendship between Embry and Jacob. The first few months of our relationship, Embry tried his best to help me be friends with Jacob. It was as though he were the only person trying to sustain the group as whole, but not anymore. Jake and Em rarely spoke, and if they did, then it was a nod of the head and very jockish, "sup?" Had I missed something?

Either way, my comfort around everyone grew. I even grew to enjoy the short spikes of Jacob's hair. The thought had crossed my mind a few times to reach over and tap the fake Mohawk just to see if they were as sharp as they looked. But, I still couldn't get up enough nerve to talk to him let alone try to touch him.

In real life and time, I may not have spoken to Jake, but in my dreams, he was there with his long black hair, beautiful smile, and sparkling onyx eyes. The Jacob in my dreams was the same as _my_ Jacob only with more experience in his soul. When I wasn't dreaming of Jacob's aging soul, I was dreaming of cotton candy and pink ribbons.

The same dream haunted me nightly. In the middle of a pitch black room were two spotlighted objects. The first item was a stick with a huge blob of sky blue cotton candy. A few feet away from the cotton candy was another spot light. Under that light sat a pink bow about the same size as the cotton candy.

For what felt like an eternity, I would simply stand there. My attention was torn between the two items. My heart beat wildly in my chest every time I saw the pink ribbon, and my breath would catch in my throat when I saw the cotton candy. Both items made my stomach do flips, but different sensations flooded me if I stared at them long enough.

When I stared at the cotton candy, a sugary sweet taste exploded in my mouth. An immediate sugar rush fogged my brain. The sweetness of the cotton candy coursed through my veins. Suddenly, I was high, but not too high. I was high enough to feel the weight of the world falling from my shoulders, but low enough to still feel the ground below my feet. However, as I gazed at the pink ribbon, there was a tug, a pull, yanking me toward it. Greeting my ears were the sound of little feet and soft giggling. A muffled, chest rumbling chuckle that seemed all too familiar warmed my heart and soul. That was when I floated higher. Higher than I had been with the cotton candy. The earth was no longer beneath my feet. Instead, my body floated through the pillowy clouds of a bright blue sky. Floating back down to the dark room, I felt there was a choice to make. It was either cotton candy or pink ribbon. I couldn't have both, but what was I supposed to choose?

That question weighed heavily on my mind as I awoke every morning in May. What was I supposed to choose? Why did I have to? The dream didn't make sense to me at the time, but it could have been that I had far more important things to worry about. Things like prom and how much make-up Marybelle was going to force me to wear.

It felt funny being dressed up with my hair fixed and makeup plastered on my face. It felt unnatural to me. No matter how many compliments I received, I still felt unlike myself. Models wore dresses like the one I wore. Not to mention the high heels that Marybelle had picked out for me were like stilettos on steroids. I suppose that was what I got when I let her go on her little shopping excursion in April without me.

Standing in front of the full length mirror, I examined the dress for the thousandth time. It was pretty. I had to give her that much credit. The hem flirted with the tops of my knees, and the top of it created more cleavage than I actually had. Marybelle said plunging v-necklines were great for that. My favorite part about the top of the dress was the hundreds of tiny purple rhinestones. They sparkled in the light of my room, so I could only imagine what it would look like with all of the dramatic lights of the dance floor. Just below the rhinestones was a small piece of pale purple satin, which rested under my bust line. The skirt of the dress faded from the lightest of light purples to a deeper, brighter, richer purple. Detailing the skirt was a weird rounded pattern of delicate, baby ruffles.

As much as I hated being dressed to the nines, excitement rattled through my bones as I waited for my exceptionally handsome boyfriend to pick me up. All that happened with Embry's dad helped me see some of Embry's downfalls, like how horribly bad he wanted a father that loved him. A part of me wished that I could share my dad with him, but that would be odd.

Dad knew far more about Embry than I had. So, when I told him about Anthony bailing on Em again, Dad shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. "That man doesn't know what he's missing out on." For once in all of my eighteen years, I agreed with Dad one hundred percent.

The thumping of Dad's boots brought my mind from its thoughts to his reflection in the mirror. His eyes glistened with pride. A tender smirk played at the corner of his mouth.

"You look beautiful, baby girl." Dad's voice cracked ever so lightly.

Dad never really called me "baby girl" unless he was being unbelievably sentimental, and I figured since this was my first and last prom that he was allowed to have a moment or two. I simply smiled at him, turned around, and lovingly wrapped my arms around his neck. He was resistant and stiff at first, but came around and eventually squeezed me tightly around the waist.

Dad choked up a few times. He tried to keep it hidden, but was unsuccessful in his attempts to hide the soft cries coming from his chest. A few tears gathered in my eyes; however, I reluctantly held them back not wanting to ruin the amazing job Marybelle had done with my makeup. A knock on the front door pulled my thoughts away from tears, makeup, and my Dad to the boy waiting there. Dad stared at me for a few more moments until a rampant, impatient knock came.

"Guess that's Embry." Dad huffed. He rubbed his left eye with his thumb. I was sure he was clearing the tears from his eyes before he had to go play Mr. Chief of Police in front of Embry. His worry sometimes aggravated me, but I was getting used to it. Dad only wanted what was best for me, and at that time, it was Embry.

While Dad headed downstairs to let Embry inside, Marybelle rushed next to me fluffing my barely curled hair with her long finger nails.

"Embry will not know what hit him!" Marybelle rested her hands on her hips and smiled.

"You think so?" I finally allowed my nerves to show.

"I know so!" She assured me. "Now, let's go see Mr. GQ! He probably looks just as good as you. I tell you, Bells, these Quileutes sure know how to make their men."

Marybelle insisted I wait in my room until she had made it downstairs and was ready to take a thousand and one pictures. So, I nervously tapped my foot on the hardwood floor until I heard her tell Embry to call for me I rolled my eyes.

Embry's chuckle cleared my roaring aggravation. "Bells?"

And just like that, the nervousness I had felt the entire day was gone. All I wanted to do was run down the stairs to my boyfriend and fly away together with the ground still beneath our feet.

As I descended the stairs, I carefully watched each and every step until I was on the next to last one. It was then that I took the liberty of looking up into Em's loving grey eyes, which danced all over the place. From my hair to my dress to my eyes to my feet, he took in the moment. It didn't matter to me how amazing he looked in his black tuxedo with a matching purple tie, and it didn't matter that he'd blow dried his hair so that it looked neat. All that mattered was that sparkle in his eyes and the smile on his face when he saw me, Isabella Swan. I never imagined loving someone would be this rewarding.

Prom night was amazing. All of the worries of prior months had somehow slipped away for both Embry and me. We were happy to have this time together, happy to have each other, happy that we were in love. Distance and fear seemed to all but clear the air when Em kissed me. It was like I could taste the cotton candy from my dream.

I was so happy that I even took to the dance floor on several occasions dancing with everyone I could, but anxiously finding myself looking through the crowd for the other Queleutes. As they had said many times before, there was no fun to be had unless they showed up. Which they did show, fashionably late of course.

Jacob, Jared, and Paul came together. None of them had dates which they seemed perfectly fine with. Quil brought Claire LeMonte. She was the foreign exchange student from France. Sam and Leah and Seth and Emily were the last to show. With the whole group finally in attendance, fun seemed to be the wrong term to describe what we were having. It wasn't just fun. I was having the time of my life.

Embry and I danced together on almost every love song, and Paul, on more than one occasion, tried to get me to dance between him and Jared on a few hip-hop songs. I kindly declined. Unfortunately, they had somehow coaxed my "sweet" boyfriend into bringing me out on the dance floor. I had thought we were going to dance to another slow song, which I could handle, but I was so very wrong.

Once on the floor for the umpteenth time that night, Embry backed away with a smile and in scooted Paul and Jared. Immediately, they both began to rub and grind against me. I must have been the weirdest shade of red as I tried tirelessly to turn and escape. Every time I moved so did Paul and Jared. Eventually, I just took to covering my face with my hands and letting them dry hump me until they were satisfied.

Just as I felt them back off a bit, I lifted my hands from my face. Talking to the DJ was Jacob. His eyes diverted to me for a moment, and I felt the world slide from beneath my feet. That is until two bodies bumped into me and began humping again. Embarrassment flooded my face again, and I gave up allowing my shoulders to slump. On Jacob's face was a sweet, cheesy smile. A laugh left his chest and his mouth fell open as Paul started to rub his junk on my leg. I didn't see much else, because not much longer after Paul began grinding himself into my leg Jared mirrored him on the other and I covered my face.

As much as I was humiliated and embarrassed, I couldn't stop laughing. My laugh continued until I realized Paul and Jared were no longer rubbing themselves against me. The loud bass hip-hop song lowered until the sounds of a slow piano introduction was heard. Just as the music met my ears, someone pulled my hands from my face. Expecting Embry, I looked up with hopeful eyes, but was shocked to see Jacob. The soft, pleading look on his face immediately drew me in. Jake pulled the arm he was still holding around his neck, and his arm slipped casually around my waist.

Standing in front of Jacob and swaying slowly to the music playing in the background felt right, but wrong. Where was Embry? Was he okay with this? Turning my head in every direction, I tried to find him in the faceless crowd. When I did, the sight nearly broke my heart.

On his face had been a smile, a bright beautiful smile, but as our eyes locked it faded. The happy expression turned somber, and those glorious grey eyes of his fell to the floor. With a shake of his head, Embry turned around and walked off. I started to pull away so that I could go after Embry, but Jake tugged my body back toward his.

"Just one dance. That's all I'm asking for." Jake brought my other arm up and around his neck. His eyes begged me to stay, to let him have a moment with me, so I did. Nodding my head, I let Jake pull me in closer. His scent was intoxicating. It filled my brain with a haze, and soon I was lost in the moment with him.

"You know," he spoke with a resounding softness in his voice, "I asked them to play this song so I could dance with you."

The earth floated further away. The lines of my anger and our friendship blurred with every word he spoke. The pain I had expected to come never showed its ugly face. A mix of emotions flooded me as I realized this moment was just as much for me as for him.

"Still not talking to me, huh? There's nothing else I can say, Bells. I'm sorry. I know you're trying, but I leave in a little over a month, and I can't leave without you knowing that I need you."

_He needed me._ His words left me feeling worried and confused. I didn't understand what he was saying or why he would say it, but he had. I needed him to explain. I needed him to tell me exactly what that meant, and I would have asked if he hadn't whispered the lyrics to the song in my ear.

"_A phrasing that's a single tear is harder than I ever feared and you were left feeling so alone._"

The deep reverberation of his tone caused a round of goose bumps across my skin. My heart began to hurt, and that hurt began to show as tears in my eyes. The words he whispered may have been mere lyrics in a song, but they meant so much more.

I had forgiven him. I had missed him. I just had to fight the fear to speak to him, but what would I say when I did? That I loved him? That was wrong. I couldn't tell him that. I loved Embry. _I loved Embry_. But, I loved Jake too.

My thoughts had tuned out the lyrics he was whispering. As his breath tickled my ear, I listened again.

"_What matters most? Everything that you feel while listening to every word that I sing. I promise you, I will bring you home. I will bring you home."_

Jacob's hands clasped together and pulled me toward him. My arms dangled around his shoulders and my head rested against his chest. With one ear I could hear his fast heart beat, and with the other I listened to the sweet lyrics he soothed my heart with. It was then that the chorus clicked. The words left his lips and surrounded me in a loving cocoon.

"_Why do you do this to me? Why do you do this so easily? You make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe. Why do you do this to me?"_

The pace of his heart picked up until it matched mine. No longer could I fight off the tears now trickling down my face. What was left over of my pain and anger was wept from my eyes until the song slowly began to fade out. Jake's arms tightened around me. With his mouth still breath takingly close to my ear, he whispered.

"I need you in my life, Bells. I don't know why or even how. I just need you there. I miss you."

As his proclamation ended, he pulled back. Glistening in his eyes were tears that I imagined matched my own. He bent his neck and pressed his forehead against mine. Jacob's face kept lowering. His lips became eerily close to mine and butterflies started to grow in my belly.

I loved Embry. I would never betray him again. He had my heart, and Jake had given it up.

_Embry. Embry. Embry._

Just as I thought he was about to kiss me, Jacob touched the edge of his nose to mine. His head moved side to side rubbing our noses together. A gasp left my lips as I realized he hadn't forgotten our childhood and the time we spent together. Eskimo kisses used to be a daily thing between us, and it seemed to be no different to him now.

More people crowded the dance floor. Their bodies moved wildly to the loud bass, thumping music, but Jacob kept me close to him. His arms held me tight against his body, and his nose brushed side to side. Although a warming, home-like sensation flowed through me, Embry's sad and worried expression still lingered in the back of my mind.

Where had he gone? What was he doing? Why was he so upset that I was trying to be friends with Jake again? Was it because of the past we shared or was there more to it?

Not wanting to go but needing to, I pulled away from Jake. With my eyes, I told him what I was supposed to be doing. I should have been finding Embry instead of dancing there with Jake. Nodding his head, Jacob acknowledged what I wanted.

"Go." He dropped his eyes from mine. Defeat plastered across his face. "Go find him."

Without looking back, I ran after Embry. Fellow students were blurs of color as I passed them. The first place I checked was the parking lot, but he wasn't there. Next, I checked the gymnasium, the hallways, and the art room. Yet, no Embry. As I walked around the outside of campus, the feelings I had for Embry and Jacob both began to argue in my brain. The incessant screams and battles of love was more than I could handle, and had there been alcohol or some mind altering drug available, I would have drowned my pain. But, there wasn't. So, I tried to tune in as much as I could. My mind was elsewhere, though. Fear had built up in my chest causing it to sting. What was I so scared of?

Hurting Em was the last thing on my mind. I would never intentionally cause him pain, but for some reason, he was in pain. Perhaps it was the past I shared with Jake and the incident that caused our first separation. Would that not have caused an issue before? What had changed?

Thoughts swirling in my head kept my attention elsewhere as I walked campus. I only stopped once blisters had been rubbed on my feet. Leaning against a tree on the edge of campus, I slipped the heels from my feet and examined the horrible blisters there. The wounds would hurt tomorrow, but I had no choice other than to deal with it just as I had to deal with the situation at hand.

I looked around after a few moments against the tree and took in my surroundings. Where could he be? When the question entered my mind, the football field came into my line of sight. It was the only place I had not checked. So, quickly, I made my way to the side entrance to see the gate propped open with a rock. The gate squeaked loudly as I pushed it open and stepped onto the track. Looking around, the stadium seemed much larger than I remembered it being. However, I had not been at the field in quite a while.

Catching my attention in the bleachers was dark figured sitting at the fifty yard line and leaning against the outer cement wall of the press box. I knew that silhouette. I could spot him in a room full of Embry look alikes, because my heart always skipped a beat. His sweetness engulfed me whenever he was within a hundred foot radius. I took the steps to him two at a time. Anxiety made me start to shiver. Fear constricted my breaths.

"Hey." I said quietly.

Embry simply looked at me and then turned his attention back to the field. "Hey."

I sat down next to him. "What's wrong?"

Doubtfully, Embry shook his head. Lack of light flooded the statidum with darkness. The roof of the press box casted black shadows upon us.

"Nothing." Resting his elbows on his knees, Embry leaned forward. I watched as he licked his lips, and they glistened in the light of the moon.

Worried that he was lying, that something was on his mind, I rested my palm on his shoulder and leaned into him. I wished for him to trust me, to confide in me.

"Are you upset with me?" I asked. Worry and fear thickly laced into my words. "Are you mad that I danced with Jake?"

"No." He answered simply. Em kept his attention on the football field.

"Then why did you take off?" I wasn't going to assume anything. I knew so little that I didn't even know where to begin to jump to conclusions.

"I don't know." Embry answered coldly. The usual sweetness in his voice was covered by deception.

My worry turned it anger. Fear stayed the same, but it roared deep inside of me. Panic began to set in as I realized he was not about to open up to me anytime soon. As a last ditch effort, I grabbed his chin with my thumb and forefinger and pulled his attention to me. His eyes tried to stay on the bleachers, but eventually he gave up. Looking into my eyes, Embry shifted his demeanor.

"Em, tell me. I can't do anything about it if you don't tell me." I begged him.

His lip quivered, but his eyes stayed on mine. The greyness was overshadowed with hurt. His eyebrows pulled together roughly, then he turned his attention back to the field.

"Did you know when we were in middle school, I was actually quarterback all the way up until the middle of the season in seventh grade?" He quickly glanced at me. I shook my head "no", and he continued. "Well, I was until I dislocated my shoulder swinging on a rope swing. I was good actually, but the not the best. But man… I loved football back then. Dad was around, and we used to pass the ball all the time. Jake even came over a few times and passed ball too. Well, when I got hurt, I was benched. There was no second string quarterback. Coach and Dad had a meeting about me being able to play, but there was no way, ya know? So, Dad suggested he try to get Jake to play, and he did. Jake was a natural. Man, he could spin the fuck out of that ball." Embry smirked and looked over at me.

"I vaguely remember Jake starting to play ball. I was pissed because we couldn't hang out anymore." I reminisced a little bit, but I had no idea where he was going with the story. So, I just sat back and listened.

"Jake taking my spot gave me time to heal up right, and by the next season, man was I ready to start throwing the ball again. But, no, Coach wanted Jake as quarterback. It didn't matter that I had more experience or that I knew all of the plays. Jake was a natural, so I became second string quarterback until Dad bitched at the coach for not letting me play."

"Didn't you start running the ball in eighth grade?" I asked completely intrigued that I had yet to hear any of this about him.

"Yeah." Embry nodded his head. "I liked running the ball. It's just as great as being quarterback, but not the same. So, I gave up on that idea, ya know? Jake was obviously going to be quarterback for as long as he played or until he got hurt. Hate to say that I kinda wished a couple of times for him to get hurt. Anyway, in ninth grade, Jake beat me out for freshman MVP by one point. One fucking point. Tenth grade, he was the first sophomore to play in the All-American league from our high school. I was the second. Eleventh grade, he became captain of the football team, and coach gave me co-captain." The more Embry talked the more aware of what he was saying I became, but there was senior year he had yet to talk about.

"What…what about this year?" I nervously asked and began to pick at my fingernail.

Embry let a breath of air out. His eyes pierced mine. "He got to you first."

"Em…" I sighed shaking my head as if I were denying the truth, but the look in his eye told me he knew otherwise. I sighed. My shoulders relaxed as the air left my lungs. "It doesn't…"

"I'm not finished." Embry firmly answered. His words weren't meant in a harsh manner, but still I felt a bit taken back. "All this time, I've had one thing that Jake could never out do me in."

"Your art?" I asked.

"Yeah, but now, he's even interfering in that." Anger gurgled in the back of his throat as he spoke.

"How?" I speculated aloud.

Embry shrugged and dodged the subject. "So, when I asked you, Bella, on the beach if I was first place, do you see what I meant by it? It's like…if I'm here, if I'm anywhere around Jacob, I always come in second place."

"You're not second place with me, Em." Leaning into his ear, I whispered. "You're first place in my heart. I promise."

"How can I believe that, Bells? You don't see what I see." Embry's voice flooded with doubt.

"Show me what you see Embry, because all I see is you, all I feel is you, all I think about is you." My heart tinged as it skipped a beat.

Embry's stare was full of disbelief and knowledge. The love he held for me was somewhere behind the two waiting for him to set it free. I could still feel it when his palm caressed my cheek, and I could taste it in his kiss.

"I love you." His lips told me as they left ghostly kisses on mine.

"I love you too." Pulling back so that I could look into his eyes, I told him what I truly believed. "First place."

Embry's grey eyes stared into mine. "I'll show you what I see soon, Bells."


	18. Embry: Part 7: Graduating Goodbyes

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening: **Secondhand Serenade – Goodbye; Alexandre Desplat – Dreamcatcher; A Fine Frenzy – Near To You; A Fine Frenzy – Swan Song.

**Author's Note:** Well, we've come to the end of the Embry chapter. This is the final installment, and from here, we will visit Jacob and his mom during present day. Once we're done with that, then college starts. I'll move through about 2 years rather quickly, but no worries, you'll get the most important info!

Hope you guys enjoy this. I suppose the title of the chapter says enough. Tissues may be needed. Thanks to luvinj for talking things through with me. This part was a bit more difficult as there were a lot of blurry lines and relationships to deal with. You'll see what I mean when you read it.

I only have about 2 weeks left of classes until summer break. So, I should have plenty of time to write. Be on the look out. :)

Also, remember to check my blog out for teasers and such! :)

http:/imaginaryheartff(.)blogspot(.)com

**June**

_**Graduating Goodbyes**_

With approaching summer days of relaxation and freedom, my heart filled with fear. Those summer days would bring with it sadness, hopelessness, and loneliness as I would be saying goodbye to friends I had known throughout my eighteen years. Some of those friends had become acquaintances who I still could not speak to. Some of them had become my heart and soul.

The weeks following prom were some of the hardest for me. Embry had seemingly locked himself in his room until he finished his portfolio. I only heard from him occasionally, and I rarely saw him. His house, his family had become strangers in the months leading up to June. Embry no longer invited me over, and I never spent more than five minutes on his doorstep.

When we did spend time together, what little that may have been, I still felt his sugary sweetness buzzing through my veins. His voice still sent chills down my spine, and his touch still made me turn inside out. The way he looked at me like I was something so incredibly special to him cleared away the worries about his pulling away. I had grown to cherish and love the Embry time I had, but anxiously waited for his acceptance into Pratt. I knew he would be accepted. It was just a matter of sending in his portfolio.

He never mentioned the last drawing again, but always said he would let me see it so that I would understand. What I was supposed to understand was a thoughtless theory to me, because I had no idea. All I understood was my love for Embry's sweetness, and that aching feeling starting in the back of my heart.

A few days after prom, Jacob had gone to visit Florida State, where he signed his scholarship papers, and received his summer football schedule. He was gone for ten days. Those ten days lacked luster that most days had.

I had decided, while he was gone, that I wanted to talk to him before he left. I wanted to mend the burnt bridges even if it would be the last time I would ever see him. My heart still cared far too much for Jacob, and I knew if I talked to him for too long that I would too. However, the day he returned from Florida was the first day of finals week. It was needless to say that no one really talked much during that week as we were all stressed to the maximum. They may have been the last tests we took in high school, but either way, finals determined if we graduated.

And graduate we did. We marched across the stage and shook hands with teachers and principals who had made our lives miserable over the past four years. We all had achieved a great milestone in life, and with wide eyes, we would try to tackle the milestones ahead.

Standing next to my fellow classmates, friends, and loves, I closed the book on high school with a tear in my eye as it had been both the most rewarding and most horrible experience in my life. I would cherish the days I got to spend with the Quileutes, Angela, Erik, and everyone else. I would remember the smell of the hallways, and the way the air always seemed to have a stagnant feel. I would forever remember the sound of chalk against a chalkboard, and the crispness of a new sheet of notebook paper. And, most of all, I would never forget the memories, both good and bad, that I had within the four walls of Forks High School.

The weekend following graduation was full of "seniors only" parties where everyone seemed to distress the past thirteen years by completely letting go of all inhibitions. I wish I could say the same for myself, but I had steered clear of those parties. Not because I didn't want to go or that I didn't want to relieve some of the stress, but because I needed to spend some much needed time with Embry. Only, my plans didn't go so well once Dad and Marybelle realized I would be spending the entire weekend alone with Embry.

"I don't think so, young lady!" Dad rested his hands on his hips and gave me an indignant look.

"Your Dad is right, Bella. Spending the entire weekend with Embry, alone," she placed emphasis on "alone" as if she had figured we would be screwing the entire time, "is out of the question."

"What is it going to hurt?" My hands fisted themselves as my arms became rigid with anger. "He's probably going to be going away to New York at the end of summer! Why can't I spend this weekend with him?"

Dad huffed and ran his fingers around his mouth, messing up the edges of his mustache. "Bella, I'm not consciously going to let my daughter spend the weekend with her boyfriend."

"I'm eighteen!" I rebutted.

"Your age doesn't matter, honey. It's the whole concept." Marybelle moved closer to me like she was trying to prove that she wasn't being as rash as Charlie.

"Concept? What concept?" I nearly yelled. My attention went back and forth between Charlie and Marybelle.

"Look, Bells." Charlie lowered his tone essentially lowering the level of anger. "If it were Jacob, then I wouldn't have a problem with it."

His name sent spirals of pain throughout my body. I had yet to speak with him, and he only had a few weeks left in Forks. After that, who knew when I would see him again?

"Why would it be any different if it were Jacob?" While I did understand the difference, I wanted to hear it from Charlie's mouth, because I knew that with one statement I could prove him so incredibly wrong about Jake.

"Bella, now, that's enough. I think you should go upstairs and calm down. We'll think about it some more, but don't expect our positions to change." Marybelle calmly rubbed my shoulder.

She knew where I was leading the conversation, and she knew that Charlie would probably be arrested for murder if he knew the truth.

Not having the heart to send Dad to prison for the rest of his life, I ran upstairs to my room and slammed the door behind me. I suppose if I wanted to be treated like an adult then slamming my door like an angsty teenager wasn't necessarily a good idea. I fell face first onto my bed. The edge of my cell phone scratched me as my forehead landed against the soft cushion of the mattress. That tiny little scratch on my head seemed to open Pandora's Box of bad ideas.

My fingers worked quickly against the keys. The message would come out of the blue, but he would answer it. Jacob had to. He _owed_ me. Before I sent the message, I read over it once more just to make sure it made sense.

'**I need you to do something for me. Will you? Bells.'**

I signed it with the signature nickname he had given me in hopes of adding more feeling.

A million replies ran through my brain while I waited for his reply. I went over each and every scenario. He could say no causing me to beg like a child. He could say maybe and force me to make things even somehow. He could say yes which would make me forgive him completely. Perhaps, if he answered with yes, I would verbally thank him for giving me a weekend with Embry.

'**Charlie and Marybelle are ruining my life!'** I texted Angela while I waited.

'**No weekend away' **Ang replied as quickly as I had hoped Jake would.

'**No! :( I'm working on it tho. I have a plan!' **I smiled. A set of butterflies began to flap their wings in my stomach.

'**Plan? Bella and plans never mix well. B careful.'** Angela's worry was laced through her text. I could almost feel it manifest reading the text.

Just as I was about to reply to Angela another message came through. It had to be the message I waiting for. Now was the time for Jacob to redeem himself for all of the selfish, asshole things he had done in the past. I would be his best friend again if he could just give me this one thing.

'**anything… jake'**

The one word I had not come up with a reaction to was the one he decided to use. How could he cause me to lose my breath with a simple text? How could my heart stutter when I couldn't hear or see him? It didn't make sense, but I took the opportunity and ran. I explained it all to him: Embry being distant, the need to be with each other for just a weekend, and how Dad and Marybelle ganged up against me. I had to admit it was hard to try fitting it all into a couple of one hundred and sixty character texts.

'**U know this wld b easier if u talked 2 me. jake'**

I glared at Jacob's text and tried to find a reason why he was not right, but I could not. I would be a hypocrite. How could I organize the situation at hand if I wasn't talking to one of the key players? The whole scenario was screwy. I should have just asked Angela. Just as that thought hit my brain, my phone vibrated and began to ring. My heart, literally, stopped when I noticed the caller I.D.

"Why are you calling me?" I squealed and tossed my phone to the bed as if it was a vial of small pox about to explode in my hand. When I threw down my phone, somehow, I had hit the answer button which had stopped the crazy ringing that put me into cardiac arrest.

"Hello?" Jake's voice was quite clear in the silent confines of my bedroom. "I call you and you can't even say hello?"

His chuckle defibrillated my heart. Slowly, I picked up the phone and cleared my throat to insure that he knew I was on the other line.

"Still won't talk to me, huh?" Jake laughed. "Well, this is going to be interesting."

I concentrated on my beating heart. It sped up every time he spoke, and his laugh… He sounded so much like my Jake, but he couldn't be. I still loved _that_ Jacob.

"I don't have a problem helpin' you out. But I think it'll seem a bit weird if I suddenly show up and ask Charlie to let you spend the weekend with me. He's a cop, Bells. He'll see straight through that."

Blinking my eyes quickly, I tried to keep tears at bay while Jake talked. There were so many similarities, and I couldn't fight the vibrations beginning in my bones. After a few moments of my silence, Jacob continued.

"So, I think it would be better if I came over and hung out. I know it'll cut into your precious Embry time, but one night is better than none, right?" He stopped for a moment, expecting an answer. "Right. Anyway…I'll come over tomorrow night. We'll hang out, but it'll have to be in front of them so they think we're cool."

It sounded like the last bit of what he said was hard to speak, because his voice drifted an octave lower before it completely stopped.

"Are we…cool?" Jake asked softly with sincerity bleeding from his words.

Not able to find my voice box but wanting to, I took a giant, loud breath just to let him know that I was there. My mouth dropped open to try to speak, but all that came out was a squeak. Jake must have heard the squeak and knew what it meant.

"It's hard to talk. I know. It may seem easy for me, but it's not. I just can't help not talking to you, Bells. You're so much stronger than me, you know that? It's been seven months since you've said a word to me. I couldn't even go one month."

It was quiet for a while. Listening to his breathing was comforting and soothing. The tension in my muscles eased away, and I curled into my bed wishing that I could smell him. My vibrating bones slowly settled back into place as I began to fall asleep.

The rhythm of his respirations sang an apologetic lullaby. Heavy eye lids dropped and lifted with each passing second. My heart beat slowed to normal, and I was surrounded by the warmth of Jacob's almost presence. Right before my eyes closed for the night, I heard Jake whisper softly.

"Can't wait to see you tomorrow, Bells. Goodnight."

Suddenly I was in the middle of a black room again. The blue cotton candy and the pink bow were lit up, but the light on the bow seemed brighter. The light was so bright that I had to squint my eyes just to be able to withstand the sight. Diverting my attention to the cotton candy, I realized that it seemed to be dimly lit. I stepped forward to get a closer look just to make sure that the tint of blue was in-fact the cotton candy. Then, as it did before, an unexpected feeling of choice fell over me. I had to choose, and I needed to do it now. Otherwise, they would both disappear.

I wasn't sure why I knew they would both disappear, but I did. The thought was just there in the back of my mind. If I didn't choose between the two soon, then there would be nothing left to choose from. It was one, the other, or nothing.

Not knowing which to choose, I stepped forward to the cotton candy and picked it up. Bringing it to my mouth, I took a bite and let the sweet fluff melt in my mouth. Instantly, I was on a sugar high. My body tingled slightly, and my heart picked up pace. The sugar flowing through my veins transformed into the feelings of loyalty and mistrust with a hint of innocent love.

Sitting the cotton candy back down, I made my way to the pink bow and stood in the middle of the bright, white light. I bent over and as my fingers came in contact with the bow jolts of electricity shot from it and into me. The electricity didn't hurt as it coursed through my body, instead, it made me feel alive and free. As I picked up the pink bow, a low chuckle and a child's giggle echoed throughout the dark room. My heart skipped beats, and my skin quivered. The sounds of laughter filtered through my body as feelings of ease, want, need, affection, family, and comfort.

There seemed to be nothing negative about the pink bow. Everything it stood for was what I wanted more than anything. While the cotton candy was sweet, it was only a temporary high that I felt. The bow, on the other hand, felt permanent. So, I made my choice by placing the pink bow in my hair. A loud slam caused me to spin on my heel. No longer was the cotton candy an option. For now, I was alone in the bright, white light wearing the pink bow.

The dream was still fresh in my mind as I awoke. It was though I had chosen my path in life, but somehow I knew it would not be the last time I had to make a choice like that. I only hoped that the next choice I made would be the right one. As it felt like I had chosen correctly this time.

That morning was abnormally beautiful. Sunlight poured through my window casting shadows across the floor. Hot air surrounded me making my skin sticky with sweat. My mouth was dry causing my throat to ache when I tried to swallow. Placing my hand around my throat, I winced and swallowed again. I needed a drink of water, so I sat up on the edge of my bed. My limbs were limp from a full night's sleep.

Standing up, there was a heaviness pulling on my arm. So, I looked down to my hand to see my phone resting in it still. A smile crept across my face as I remembered the sweet words Jake had said just hours ago. While I was excited to actually get to spend time with Embry, I was also excited to spend time with Jacob. It hadn't been just us since the night in his garage.

Usually, the thought of that night would send shots of pain through my body, but it didn't anymore. What had happened in the garage was in the past. Now was the time to let go and move on completely.

There was a bounce in my step for most of the morning. Late in the afternoon, I took the cordless phone outside. While sitting at the bottom of my favorite tree in the backyard, I called Embry to let him know about the change in plans. He didn't seem so thrilled with the idea at all.

"What do you mean Jake's coming over?" Embry asked.

"He has a point, Em. I can't just ask Dad to let me stay with Jake for the weekend. Dad knows I haven't been friends with Jake in awhile." Replying to Embry's question felt more like I was trying to reason with a brick wall.

"Why didn't you just ask Ang?" Embry's voice gurgled. He breathed heavily into the receiver. He was upset, but I couldn't understand why.

"I don't know. Jake was the first person to come to mind." I bit into my lip and rubbed my hand in the green grass. The ground was still a bit damp from yesterday's rain. It didn't matter to me, because the feel of the sun on my skin and the ground beneath my feet turned anything negative into a positive.

"Exactly!" Embry shouted. I could imagine him throwing his free hand up into the air as if I should have known that would happen.

"Exactly what, Em?" I rolled my eyes.

"Nothing." He sounded defeated. "I'll show you."

"God, with the showing me. Do you want me to come over or not? I can't get the whole weekend, but one night is better than none, right?" I couldn't get the disgusting feeling to stop filling up my heart. I had just used the exact words of Jacob to manipulate my way out of an argument. What was going on?

"Of course I do, Bells. You know I do. Just call me later, after Jake leaves?"

His last question was almost like a plea, but I agreed to call him as soon as Jake left. I understood the frustrations Embry had involving Jacob, but I don't think Embry truly realized that Jacob didn't intentionally come in first place in everything. That was simply who Jacob was. He would always be first place.

Marybelle came home far before Dad had, but I waited until Dad was home from work to tell them that Jake was coming over to hang out. Dad seemed relieved and happy. Marybelle, obviously, saw straight through my intentions. I suppose she had done similar things while my age.

I hadn't really put much thought into the whole not speaking thing until Jake's text came through telling me that he was on his way. The smiley face he added at the end of the message seemed to be connected to my face, because I smiled so large that my cheeks hurt. And the butterflies that had long been absent came back when I heard the loud roar of the truck pulling into the drive. I almost felt sick, like I was about to throw-up. I suppose that was just because of the butterflies swarming and multiplying.

Dad stared at me out of the corner of his eye. It was then that I noticed I was moving around like a five year old waiting to go to Disney World. Quickly, I stopped my fidgeting. It wasn't right. I shouldn't be this happy to hang out with my best friend again.

_Best friend…_ I smiled.

A loud knock on the door sent me to my feet and nearly running for the door.

"That must be Jake." Dad laughed.

I swung the door open – not giving him a chance to knock a second time – and was engulfed by his warm, natural scent. The wind blew past him and into the hall nearly wrapping me completely in his warming presence. I couldn't stop smiling or staring at him. And I didn't care if I looked like an idiot, because…

On the other side of the door was _my _best friend. Jake's short hair was softer than I had seen it in weeks, but still a spiky mess atop his head. Happiness exploded from the brightness of his smile, and the glisten in his eyes voided any remnants of pain. Somehow by opening the door and allowing Jacob to come in, I had closed another.

"Hey." Jacob said. His voice was just loud enough for me to hear.

I was stuck in the moment. My brain, my heart, my feelings, my restrictions – none of it mattered. Jake was here, and I had missed him so much. While I wanted to contemplate touching him, talking to him, looking at him, those were the only things I could do. So, I jumped up and wrapped my arms and legs around Jacob. My body clashing into his made a loud thump, and a gasp of air left Jake's lungs. Quickly as if I was about to get down and run in the opposite direction, Jacob's thick, warm arms wrapped snuggly around my waist. He squeezed me closer to him.

Burying my face in the nape of his neck, I sniffed at his yellow and blue flannel shirt. His scent was so intoxicating, and so much more potent than the sweetness of Embry. There was no blood floating through my veins. It was simply Jacob.

"Hi." came out of my chest. It was coated in airy breath and a quiet whisper.

Jake's hand found the back of my neck. His thick fingers laced through the strands of my hair. The warmth of his cheek pressed against the side of my head as he breathed out a breath that had seemed to be stuck in his chest since I had stopped talking to him.

"Bells." Jake softly cried out.

Pulling back, I checked his eyes for tears. I wasn't so sure that I could handle seeing him cry again no matter if I were the culprit or not. I released my legs from around his waist, but my arms stayed in their rightful place. Letting go of his neck was out of the picture at the moment, because I felt like I was home. I felt so much that I didn't even begin to question the intimacy we were sharing just a few feet away from Dad. I didn't think twice about Embry.

Jacob released his squeezing grip from around my waist. His arms dangled restlessly at his sides, but I kept mine tightly looped around his neck. Before I let go, there was just one more thing I had to do.

I stood up on my tip toes and gently pulled Jake's face down to mine. When I could feel his hot breath on my lips, I pressed my nose gently to his and rubbed back and forth sealing our friendship with an Eskimo kiss. Jake closed his onyx eyes and squeezed them shut as his lip gently quivered.

A few moments later, we joined Dad in the living room. While Marybelle worked on dinner, I enjoyed the conversation between Dad and Jacob. They talked mostly about sports, but the amount of comfort in the air was so thick that being bored was out of the question. I didn't even bother with helping Marybelle cook, and cooking was a pastime I enjoyed far too much.

Jake and Dad's conversation kept me from talking as well. Although I had said "hi" at the front door, I hadn't planned on saying much else. That was such a huge step for me, and I would have to find the courage to actually hold a full conversation with him some other time. For now, I would simply enjoy his company and only talk when I absolutely had to.

"Bells, you're not saying much." Dad quirked his eyebrow.

"Yeah. I…I have a toothache." I shrugged.

"Maybe we should make you a dentist appointment?" Dad asked. Before I could respond, he leaned back in his recliner and yelled through the hall toward the kitchen. "Sweety can you call the dentist tomorrow and make Bells an appointment?"

My eyes widened. Jake laughed. I turned and glared at him quickly, but that only seemed to bring out the chuckle even more.

"Really, Dad, I'm fine. I just…"

"Sure. What's wrong? I'll need to tell them why she needs to come in." Marybelle's voice became louder as she approached. When she entered the living room, she smiled toward Jacob and me. Jake quickly tried to stop laughing, and I punched his arm.

"It's just a toothache. I think I had too much candy at work the other day. No big deal." I stared nervously at my hands as I answered.

"Speaking of work how's that going?" Jake curiously asked. His face seemed peaceful and without worry.

His question seemed to be a loaded one, because I could go on and on about work and how much I loved it there. Did I want to talk that much with him? I didn't know, but Dad sat in his recliner expecting me to answer. And when I didn't, he looked over with raised brows and a suspicious look on his face.

So, I shrugged and said, "Oh, you know. It's work."

Why was I being so stubborn? I was beginning to get on my own nerves. However, it was like something greater than I was telling me not to open up completely just yet. There was an invisible force field surrounding me. Jacob hadn't found a way in.

Maybe I was scared of the unknowns with Jake. Maybe I was scared of admitting who he really was to me. Maybe my heart had yet to heal completely. Maybe our trials and tribulations weren't over just yet. Maybe I needed more time.

I simply couldn't understand my inability to speak around Jake. Forgiveness had been given, yet I still sat completely silent unless Jacob directly asked me a question around Dad and Marybelle. When we were alone, it was a completely different story. So, being in my room after dinner with Jake was a bit awkward.

He walked into my room first and looked around to see if anything had changed in the time he hadn't been up here. Nothing had changed since I was fourteen when I redid the walls in a horrid shade of green and covered my bed in nothing but white. As if he had realized nothing was significantly different – aside from a few pictures here and there – Jake let out a breath and fell onto my bed.

"Your bed was always way more comfortable than mine." He pulled a pillow from the head of the bed and rested it underneath his head. Jake's onyx eyes stared at me as tiny slits behind his strongly featured face.

Panic stricken, I stood in my doorway not able to move and barely able to breathe. I hadn't been alone in a bedroom with Jacob since we had sex. And now, all I could do was picture him above me with his long hair curtaining off the outside world. Feeling my discomfort, Jacob stood and took a seat at my desk. While he inspected my desk for changes, I sat on the right side of my bed and leaned against the wall behind it. I watched my beautiful best friend intently.

His fingers traced over the old wood of my desk. No doubt, memories flashed through his mind when he was conned into helping Dad carry it up the steps. Jacob looked at the screen of my laptop and moved his finger around the mouse pad thus causing it to reveal my desktop, which was still an old picture of us from when we were kids. Jake turned around for a second and smirked like he had realized I had never actually forgotten him or our past. When he flipped his head back around, something on the corner of my desk between the encyclopedias must have caught his attention. Immediately, Jake pulled the book he had gotten me for Christmas out.

As he flipped it open, I remembered placing his yellow rose and note from Valentine's day in the pages to press it. I had yet to place it in my keep sake box, because I wasn't sure of the actual pressing process. That gesture was one that I always wanted to remember. That was why I placed it and his note between the pages. Curious about his reaction, I crawled to the edge of the bed. Jake spun the stem between his fingers and stared at the dried out yellow petals.

"It's nice that you kept it." His voice was low, raspy, and full of emotion.

Leaning forward onto my knees, I wanted to see if he had noticed the note yet. As I peaked over his shoulder into the open book, there was no note to be seen, which sent me scrambling to my feet. I jerked the book from his hands and turned it so the pages were parallel with the floor. Then, I shook the book back and forth waiting and hoping for the note to fall to the floor, but it was gone. Completely gone.

"What?" Jake scrunched his forehead.

"The note. I saved it too." I barely got out before my throat closed up again.

Jake nodded his head once and grabbed the book from my hands. "In here?"

I shook my head yes and swallowed hard. I hadn't moved that book since I put it there on Valentine's Day. The only people who had been in my room since then were Embry and Angela. And what would Angela want with a note from Jacob? I gasped and cupped my hand over my mouth.

"You must have dropped it or something," Jacob stated.

I shook my head no.

"No? Did someone take it?" He asked with a voice that rose in pitch.

I nodded yes.

"Marybelle? Charlie?"

Again, I shook my head no.

He was quiet for a minute as he thought of the only other people that had come in my room. "Who would want a note that I wrote to you?" And as he asked that question aloud, a light bulb clicked on over his head. "Embry?"

I nodded in agreement but only slightly.

"Why would he want that?" Jacob asked and sat the book on the desk.

I shrugged.

"I mean, why would he take it after he'd seen it? That doesn't make sense." He pondered, but I quickly shook my head no again. "No? No to what? He hadn't seen it?"

I nodded.

"He has?" Jake's eyebrow lifted in confusion.

Again, I shook my head no.

"He hasn't?"

I agreed by nodding my head yes.

"Yes? God. Bells, this would be so much easier if you just talked!" He exclaimed full of frustration, but instead of getting angrier, Jacob took a couple of deep breaths. "What do I have to do to make you talk again?" Instead of a sincere expression on his face, there was a devilish, playful smirk.

I stepped back, but he followed. His foot rested between both of mine, and his jeans rubbed against the bare skin of my legs. Holding my breath, I had to remind myself that this was wrong. Whatever he was doing was wrong, but it felt right. It felt so right that when Jacob placed his palms on my cheeks I leaned into him a bit. Gently, Jake dragged his fingertips across my skin. His perfectly white teeth bit into the inside of his lip for a moment while he attentively watched chill bumps rise in the path of his fingertips.

But, I couldn't do this. Not again. Embry was my _boyfriend. _I was in a relationship, and it would be wrong to sleep with your best friend. So very wrong. However, my reactions were out of my hands. Jacob brought out this side of me that didn't care what was happening as long as he was touching me or being attentive to my needs. I couldn't fight whatever trance he was putting me in.

"You know. There are lots of things I can do to make you talk." Jacob spoke softly with a low rasp-like growl.

The breath I had been holding broke through my lips loudly. I was quivering under his touch and his almost painfully seductive stare. Whatever hold Jake had on me was still there. The months of separation didn't help. I couldn't control myself around him.

"But." His expression changed from seductive to sweet in the blink of an eye. "I won't. It's wrong."

The palms of his hands rested at the bottom of my neck. His thumbs aligned perfectly with my collarbone.

"Is it wrong?" He whispered seductively.

That was one thing that I knew beyond a doubt. This moment was wrong, and I would pay for it in guilt later. So, I nodded my head "yes" in hopes of him being strong enough to stop.

Jacob smiled this big toothy grin. It was the same grin that had captivated me since we were kids. His touch disappeared, but I was still staring into his eyes. They almost pulled me into him without permission. Jake backed way slowly, but I followed him for a step or two until I became fully aware of what I was doing.

"Do you," Jake's eyebrow rose, "do you still organize your books alphabetically?"

Without waiting for my reply, Jacob cockily walked to my book case and inspected it. If there was one quirk I had, then it had to be the fact that I was a bit anal retentive with my books. Some wouldn't think twice about having their bookshelf reorganized by the likes of Jacob Black, but I not so much. My books had to be alphabetically categorized by Author. If they weren't, then it was like my life was off balance.

"Looks like you do. Do you still hate it when people mess them up? You know like putting Poe with Austen?" He grabbed both of the books and held them securely in his thick hands.

I glared as evilly as I could as Jacob sat Austen in the 'P' section, and Poe in the 'A' section. Thinking that he was done, I turned around to pretend that putting my books in the wrong places wasn't about to make me scream. However, just as I was about to sit on the edge of my bed, nonchalantly, I heard the sliding of books on my shelf. I looked over my shoulder to see Jacob laughing as he grabbed random books and moved them around.

"I'm not going to stop until you talk to me, scream at me…whatever." Jacob playfully grabbed another book and shoved it on the opposite end of the book case. He repeated the same motions until my blood was boiling, and my world was spinning.

"Shakespeare. Romeo & Juliet. Sucks." Jake covered his mouth and "coughed" out his statement.

Now, it was one thing to mess up my bookshelf, but it was another to insult William Shakespeare. No one in their right mind would insult such a monumental writer. That little statement he made had me jumping up off of the bed and grabbing the book from his hands before he had the chance to put it somewhere it didn't belong.

"Stop it! Jerk!" I whined. My attention was fully on the shelf of books and less on the jerk of a best friend messing it all up.

"Ooh. Jerk. Nice." Jacob laughed.

"Hush and help me fix this." I answered while re-alphabetizing.

Jacob knelt down next to me. "Do you still have Catcher In The Rye?" His voice was soft and hopeful.

"Yeah. If you hadn't been such a jerk and moved them all around, then I could find it easier. Why do you want to know any how? You don't read books. Books are for smart people. You're just a football jock." I rambled and trailed my finger along the spines of all my books looking for Catcher in the Rye.

"Am not." Jacob argued. From the corner of my eye, I could see him stick out his bottom lip making the cutest pouty face.

"Are too. What was the last book you read? One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Green Fish?" Jokingly, I smiled. Still, I paid no attention to the fact that I was speaking, talking, holding a conversation with Jacob.

"It's One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue fish, and that's a classic. Dr. Seuss is the man!" Jake exclaimed loudly.

"Whatever. Same thing. You wouldn't have survived middle school or high school if it wasn't for me. Ah, here is it."

Just as I was about to pull out Catcher in the Rye, Jacob's fingers encircled my wrist. He pulled my arm toward him and stood. With his fingers still tightly wound around my wrist, I unlocked my knees from their bent position. As I came up to my feet, Jake wrapped my arm around his neck, and yanked me into his chest.

"You're talking," Jake's voice crackled with emotion as he spoke, "to me."

I could feel the smile on his face through our embrace. Pain, loss, guilt, memory, they were all absent. All that was left was the need in the air between us. It disbelievingly floated around encircling us in a cyclone of friendship and love.

The rest of the night was a blur of words. Mostly, I talked, and Jake listened which was a complete three hundred and sixty degree turn. The change was welcomed. Our relationship no longer felt one sided. He was a willing participant in the friendship we were recovering. And I had to owe that to him. Recovery was all because of Jacob. Had it not been for his persistence, I would have never forgiven him completely. That left me feeling selfish and inconsiderate. How could I have gone so long hating him, thinking he was some other guy, when obviously the real Jake was there all along?

We never talked about what happened in the garage. Jake never mentioned Jessica, but I could see the scars she left on his soul through the stare in his onyx eyes. Because of her, Jake would never be the same, yet another reason to hate her.

As much as I wanted to bring her up, I couldn't. Just as I'm sure Jake would love to bring up Embry, but he didn't. We set boundaries, but they weren't permanent. Soon enough, we would talk, communicate, about the things we had been through over the passing months. That night, though, all that mattered was that we were friends again. Had it not been for his willingness, then I would have never thought our friendship had died seven months ago.

It was close to one in the morning when Jake pulled back my comforter and made me climb under. Lifting the sheet up and over me, Jake made sure to push the thick down comforter to the foot of the bed. The fact that he still remembered that I couldn't sleep with a comforter in the summertime made my heart swell with far too many emotions.

Tears started to pool in the corners of my eyes. Regret flooded my heart. Hurt pumped through my veins. I closed my eyes and wished for it all to have been a dream. Teardrops slid down the sides of my face and wetted the hair at my temples. I wanted so much for time to stop. I had wasted too much time as it was.

"You're crying." Jake's stated in a sentimental hum.

Wiping away a few tears, I nodded. "Yeah."

"Can I ask why?" Jacob sat on the bed next to me. His right arm rested on the opposite side of my body. His hand flirted with my hip. As a sob escaped my grip, Jake soothingly caressed my hip with his thumb.

"It's just…I waited so long, and now…it's like… nothing happened, ya know?"

"I'd like to think it's not the same as it was before," Jacob said.

"No. It's not. That's not what I mean. I… it is different, but you leave soon." Tears fell from my eyes at a rapid pace now. The realization had hit me. I didn't have but a week or so left with him before he ran off across the country and left me alone…_again._

Jake watched my tears fall. He didn't try to stop them, but he accepted them. The soft stare he held me in rocked my pain like a mother rocks a baby to sleep. Worriedly, Jake licked at his lips, and his thumb continued to move quickly over my hip. I wasn't sure if he was soothing me or himself.

I needed to know when Jacob was leaving. I had to prepare myself. "When do you leave exactly?" My question came out like a soft squeak.

"Tuesday." Jake sighed.

"Tuesday? As in five days from now?" I sat straight up. My body became rigid with fear and anxiety. My heart began to pick up pace.

"Yeah." Jacob answered quietly. His own regret, his own fears began to appear on his face.

Everything was silent. Even the wind and the crickets had stopped rustling and chirping. All of Forks seemed to feel the same way I did. Tuesday was too soon. I just got him back! But, I had been the one to wait, to refuse to speak to him. I could have tried sooner. I could have done things much differently.

"I'm sorry. I should have tried harder. I should have…"

"Stop! Don't blame yourself for this, okay? 'Sides it's not like I'm going to be away forever, Bells. It's not like we don't have the internet or cell phones." Jacob tried to calm my fears by scooting up the bed. He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear and then rested his palm on my cheek. "We'll make this work. I'm not going anywhere in here." The hand that had been resting on my cheek slid down until it rested above my heart. "And you'll be here." He patted his chest right above his heart. "We'll have each other. Always. You're always my girl, Bells." With that said Jake leaned forward and pressed his inexcusably soft lips to my forehead.

"You'll visit? Call? Text?" I sighed worriedly. "I'll be going crazy all alone. Embry will be wherever it is he's going, and you'll be all the way in Florida becoming some polished NFL-Wannabe quarterback."

"And your best friend." Jacob stated firmly. "I'm your best friend first. Always."

"Always." I mumbled.

"Now, get some sleep. I'll be here tomorrow around two." As I slid down the bed again, Jacob tucked the sheet in around me.

Morning came much sooner than I had intended it to. Sleep evaded me the entire night. If I wasn't thinking about Embry, then I was thinking about Jacob. My heart never seemed to catch a break. When my phone buzzed in the early afternoon, I half expected it to be Jacob with some lame joke, but it wasn't. Instead, it was a very short and upsetting message from Embry.

'**Y didnt u call?'**

'**I forgot. Sorry. See you soon. Jake will be here in a few.'**

Not thinking much about the message, I sent it and went on with packing up enough clothes to get me by tonight and into tomorrow. While I waited for Jacob to arrive, I sat on the front porch and thought. Hopefully, Embry would show me what he was talking about. I was so tired of hearing about him "showing me" what I was missing. There wasn't anything that I was missing from what I could tell. He should have been happy that I was friends with Jake again. Jacob and I had a connection that was far higher than anything I had shared with Embry. In my book, though, that was to be expected. I understood Embry's jealousy of Jacob, but his mistrust for me was far less comprehendible. Why one minute did he want me to befriend Jacob and then not the next? It didn't make sense, and I expected answers.

Jake showed up at two o'clock on the dot. His hair was a bit fluffier than usual, and he wasn't dressed like he usually did. Instead of jeans and a t-shirt, Jake was wearing his workout clothes. Fingerless gloves covered his hands. A salty but clean scent wafted around him.

Not able to stop myself, I reached out and laced my fingers through the front of his hair and tugged softly. "This? Don't ever do that again." I laughed. "I like it longer."

Jacob replied with a chest shattering laugh and gave me a nod. His smile brought with it the sun which ceased any residual tension lingering between us. The weight of the world seemed to lift from my shoulders as we drove out of Forks and into La Push. I was meeting Embry at First Beach, and I honestly couldn't contain my excitement. In the past day and a half, my life had taken a turn, but I couldn't shake the feeling that life wasn't through with me just yet.

"If Charlie calls, then I'll text you." Jake mentioned as we pulled into the parking area.

"I doubt he will. He trusts you more than he trusts me. It's annoying." I grumbled.

"Why…why does he still trust me?" Jake asked quietly. His eyebrows were in a tight, straight line as he pondered the answer to the question.

"He doesn't know all of it." I answered willingly. This talk was bound to happen sooner or later. I'd rather deal with it sooner rather than later.

"Oh." The tension in Jacob's face eased away. He pulled into an open parking spot and put the car in park. "Well, here we are."

Looking around for Embry or his car, I twisted in my seat. Out of the back glass, I noticed his car parked at the end of the lot, so I grabbed my bag from between us and sat it in my lap. It felt odd having Jacob drop me off to visit Embry, but I appreciated the gesture more than he understood. I needed this time with Embry. The fact that Jacob understood spoke far louder than anything he could have said. To thank him, I leaned across the center console and left a small kiss on his cheek. A zap of electricity shot from my lip to his cheek. Jake flinched away a bit before he wrapped me in a warm, comforting hug.

"If you need anything," Jacob whispered, "I'm just a phone call away. And you know…it'll be easier since you're _actually_ talking to me now."

"Shut up!" I laughed and slugged him in the arm.

"Ouch! That hurt Bells." Jake said flatly while making fun of my tiny stature.

"I hate you!" I rolled my eyes with a smile.

"No you don't."

"I know." I smiled. "Who could ever hate such a cute little face?" Pulling his head from side to side, I pinched his cheeks as hard as I could. A knock on the window make me shriek back and clamp my hand on my chest. Jake leaned forward and gave that "sup" nod.

Embry opened my door. Without saying a single word to Jacob, he grabbed my bag and headed toward his car. Jacob shrugged his thick shoulders and gave me a weak smile.

"I'm sure he's just having a bad day or something." I said. Mostly, I was trying to convince myself that nothing else was wrong, but I could feel it in the air as I stepped out of Jacob's truck.

"Have fun Bells." He said sarcastically. "Call me if you need me."

Embry casually made his way from his car to where Jake left me standing. There was something different about Embry. He carried himself in another way. I couldn't pin point what it was, but I noticed that his shoulders seem to bend forward as if he had a small child on his back. Worry and sadness filtered through my body, and as he neared, I wrapped him up in my arms. His sugary sweetness didn't feel as sweet as before causing my heart to slow down a bit.

"You okay?" I asked directly into his ear. His soft, shaggy hair caressed the skin on my nose.

"I'll be fine." Embry pulled back. He pushed the hair from my face and held it back with his hands. Just as he had done many times before, Embry studied my face as if I were a model for his work. "You're beautiful, Bells."

As those words poured off of his lips, Embry bent in and kissed me. The usual sugary sweetness wasn't in his kiss any longer. I couldn't taste him the way I had before, and I wasn't sure if it was because of me or if it was because he had pulled away completely.

The salty beach air burned in my lungs as we walked along the beach. Embry's body was always in contact with mine. His fingertips always brushed my hair from my face, or his hand was in mine. I could feel him slipping away the longer we were silent, but I didn't know what to say or do. How should I know when he wouldn't even tell me? Was it because of Jacob? Why did that bother him so much now?

"You look happy." Em softly spoke. His plump, pouty lips moved as the words effortlessly fell from his lips.

"I would be happier if you talked to me." I sighed unable to fight the melancholy feeling running rampant in my veins.

"I know, and I will, Bells. I just want sometime with you before we talk, okay? Just you." His lip shook as he spoke – a sign of his nervousness.

"Okay." I smiled. "But come back to me, okay? Don't be way over there when I need you here."

Embry's grey eyes lovingly stared down at me. Just as I had asked, I felt the walls, the separation, come down. And suddenly, I was overwhelmed with his sweetness. A sugar rush overpowered my brain, my heart. All I could do was feel him, see him, and love him as we played on the beach.

Splashing each other, we played in the shore water. His lips fervently kissed mine as our feet sunk in the wet sand of the shoreline. Embry held me in his arms as we watched the waves crash ashore, and he gently cradled me while making out on the sandy beach. I could feel my worry slipping way. The distance was gone. His heart was back. Embry's love was pounding through my veins the longer he kept his walls down.

I imagined the people walking by us were envious of me. I wanted them to want to be me. I wanted them to feel the love I had felt. I wanted them to see the beautiful soul I was in love with. Everyone deserved to feel just the way I did in that moment, in that time. But, my how time changes even if it's only just a few hours that pass.

Embry drove us back to his house. I was never more ready to be alone with him than I was in that moment, but he seemed to have different plans. As he shut off the car, Embry turned in his seat. His grey eyes seemed darker and full of emotion. A part of him hid behind a partial wall that blocked me out. I couldn't feel all of his sweetness any more, but it was still there pounding away in my heart.

"I want to show you something." He licked his lips. "I hope maybe it'll help you understand me, and what I see, what I feel, what I know."

A nervous lump formed in my throat. Swallowing that back, I nodded my head. "Help me understand, Em, because I don't." I reached out and touched his chiseled jaw with my fingertips. Embry closed his eyes and leaned into my touch.

"I love you, Bella. I really do. This has nothing to do with my love for you." Embry begged for understanding, and while I didn't completely know where he was going, I was a willing participant.

Willingly, I got out of the car and laced my fingers through his. Embry lead me up the front steps of his house, through the front door, and to his bedroom door. Releasing my hand, Em fished in his pockets for his keys. Embry unlocked the door and reached for my bag. He sat it just inside, and then turned to me.

"I'll let you go in first. I'll be in a minute." Embry bent down and kissed me again, but this time his kiss was an emotional one. His feelings all but flowed out from him and into me. I could feel it all now. The anger, the jealousy, the love, the hate, the mistrust, and the need – it all beat in my heart as I walked through his bedroom door.

In the corner of his room where his drawing table sat, the walls were covered in half-drawn sketches from floor to ceiling. I could not make out exactly what those sketches were until I came closer. It was then that I saw the several different figures drawn on separate sheets of paper. Most of the half-sketches were of a couple embracing each other. Only the male's figure was never complete. The female figure, on the other hand, I recognized immediately as myself. I was the only completed part of every drawing.

My fingers traced over the outline from one of the half-sketches. The structure of the body was familiar, but it wasn't mine. It was a male figure, and I couldn't quite put my finger on whose it was. There was another right next to it that I knew right off. Embry's features were drawn out almost perfectly. The dips, groves, and lines perfectly matched who Embry was. One thing I noticed was that the unknown figure was thicker, wider, and broader than that of the self portraits. In some of the drawings, Embry's slimmer features were drawn next to me, but in others it was the thicker person.

I looked over every single drawing I could see. I understood why he was so frustrated. The last drawing for his portfolio seemed to having him going crazy. The many drawings on the wall justified the thought.

As I rounded the corner, I came across the last drawing of the "unknown" figure and immediately recognized the facial features. The broad nose and plump lips, the dark set eyes and strong jaw line stopped the air from meeting my lungs. I was staring directly into the perfectly half drawn eyes of Jacob Black.

A throat clearing had me turning around quickly. Embry stood patiently behind me. The expression on his face seemed to give away the fact that he had been observing me. My reaction seemed to surprise him a bit.

"You're surprised?" He asked. His eyes fell to the floor.

"I am. I mean, it's perfect, but why Jacob? Why did you draw Jacob? Are all those," I spun and pointed to the unknown figure drawings, "Jake?"

Embry nodded his head and walked to the corner of the room where a set of drawings were taped together. One was of me. The other two were ones that I recognized as Embry and Jake. Em adoringly ran his fingers over the drawing of me and sighed.

"I know you catch me studying you, and since we've been together, I've never been more inspired to draw. So, when I found out that I needed one more drawing for my portfolio, I knew that it had to be of you." Embry took a seat at his desk. His hands reached out and latched onto my hips. Sitting down on his knee, I leaned back against his desk.

"Does that creep you out?" Embry laughed a bit.

"Not at all. I think it's sweet." I answered. My heart, all the while, skipped beats in my chest. The air still didn't meet my lungs fully. I was still lost, but slowly beginning to understand.

"What I wanted to draw and what I actually saw became two different things. At first, I thought maybe I had like artists block or something, ya know? Nothing I was drawing came out right. Well, you always did, but drawing you was never the problem. It always felt right drawing you." Embry's fingertips dug into my hip. "But, you see, what was the problem was drawing you with me."

"What?" I gasped. "What do you mean?"

The air that was meeting my lungs became short, aspirated breaths. My lungs burned deep in my chest, and I began to choke on the air of the room as he continued.

"I mean that I could draw you." He pointed to the many drawings of me. "I could draw myself." He pointed to the drawings of himself. "And I could draw…well…I didn't know it was Jacob when I started to draw that guy, but that's who it ended up being." Again, he pointed to the almost finished drawing of Jacob.

"I don't understand." Panic was quickly beginning to set in.

"It didn't feel right, Bells. Drawing you next to me didn't feel right. It didn't work. But, drawing you next to Jake did. It was almost perfect."

That was when Embry turned, and picked up a brown folder from the drawing table behind me. He handed it to me with a nod. "This is your copy."

My fingers grasped the thick brown paper. On the front cover was a small rectangular white label that said, "Soul Mates meet True Love". The title itself had me worried, panicked, and scared. Opening the folder, seeing his drawing would do nothing but rip us apart. But, a tiny part of me wanted to see his depiction of soul mates and true love.

As much as I didn't want to open it, I had to. I owed that much to Embry. So, with closed eyes, I opened the brown folder. Finding the courage to open my eyes was a feat in itself, but all I could hear was Jacob's warm voice telling me that he was just a phone call away. When I did finally open them, I couldn't believe what I saw.

In black and white and grey was a beautifully detailed sketch of Jacob and me. We were standing in an intimate post. Both of us were nude, but nothing was showing as the picture was from the hips up. I was standing in the forefront. My right hand made the shape of half of a heart, while my left arm seemed to reach back and hold Jacob close to me. Long strands of my hair fell over my breasts essentially covering anything of importance. On my face was a smirking and sexy expression. Right next to my face was Jacob's. His hair was long. Half of it was tied back while the other half fell down his perfectly sketched shoulders. Jacob's right arm was wrapped around the lower part of my torso, and his left hand made another half of a heart which met up perfectly with the half heart I made out of my right hand.

Our bodies, the way we held each other, and the way our hands seemed to match up perfectly in spite of the size difference was nothing compared to the emotion captured in our eyes. It was a though I was looking into fate's mirror. Staring back at me was the loving gaze I held for Jacob, and the one I wanted him to hold for me. Tears quickly sprang to my eyes.

"See, Bella, this is what I meant when I said that I would show you what I see. I'll never be first place in your heart, Bells." Embry's voice went low and was chalked full of sadness.

"What? Yes. Yes you are!" I exclaimed trying to deny the fact that what Em was saying was the truth.

"No, Bells, I'm not. Jacob is, and I can't be second place anymore." Embry's voice cracked. He stood quickly causing me to scramble to my feet in the process.

"I love you!" I gasped trying to force him to see the love that I did hold for him. Maybe it wasn't as strong as the love I had felt for Jacob, but that was gone now. Wasn't it?

"I know you do. I love you too, but…I want someone to love me the way you love him." It was then that I took the liberty of looking away from the picture and into Embry's loving grey eyes. There I saw his tears, I saw his pain, as they fell down his face. "I'm moving to New York, Bella."

"You are? You got in? When are you leaving?" I spouted out anything that could get my mind off of what was happening. "I've never been to New York before." I wiped my hand across my eyes.

"Bella." Embry stated strongly. "I leave tomorrow."

"What? Why didn't you tell me sooner?" My heart snapped into a thousand pieces. It stung deep in my chest like someone had let a million tiny bees sting my heart.

"I don't think it's a good idea that you come visit." Embry's eyes were now covered in giant tears. He was trying to hold them back.

"I don't understand. Why not? What are you saying? Why didn't you tell me?" A flood of tears, a flood of emotions, all left my eyes in a split second when I realized exactly what he was doing. He was breaking up with me. He was leaving me. He didn't love me, because I was still in love with Jacob. "Are you breaking up with me?" I sobbed. The words tore out of my chest one by one. Each left a gashing wound behind.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "It's not that I don't love you."

"How can you say that? How can you do this to me?" My screams ripped through my throat. "How can you lure me in like you did and then just leave me here?"

Embry had no answers. All he could do was stand and watch me crumble in front of him. My heart exploded with questions, and I yelled each one of them out until my throat was raw and my voice was gone.

"I didn't lure you in. I didn't do this on purpose. Trust me, Bells, when I say that if I knew this would happen, then I would have never kissed you in the kitchen." Embry stated solemnly.

I understood what he meant by his statement, but in the blurry moment of it all, his statement shattered the little parts of me that were left standing. I was a regret. That was what I heard him say. He regretted me. He regretted everything although I had given up everything to be with him. _Everything._

"How can you say that?" I yelled again through a sore and swollen throat. My words came out as wispy high pitched screeches.

"Bella, please, stop yelling. This hurts me just as much as it hurts you, but I can't do it anymore. I have to put myself first…just once, just to see how it feels." Embry quietly spoke. Small tears made wet trails down his perfectly tanned cheeks.

"First place. Second place. Why doesn't it matter that I love you and want to be with _you_ not Jacob? Why can't I have what I want for a change?"

For some odd reason my heart double beated as the syllables of Jacob's name left my tongue. I could feel him surrounding me, warming me, loving me as a best friend would. His voice ricocheted in my head. "Call me if you need me." Did he know? Did he bring me here so Embry could dump me?

"I'm sorry." Embry said again. I was already tired of hearing it. "There's nothing I can do to make you see it. One day, when we're older, we'll see each other again. You'll be so happy, so thankful that I stepped away when I did. And I will be too, Bells, because at least I'll know then if what I see is the truth." His long, lean body slid down an invisible wall until he rested on the edge of his bed. "Don't think that I wanted this for one single minute, because you're everything I've ever wanted. I just wish it were the same with you."

My tears had somehow stopped. The pain encapsulated itself into a tiny box inside my heart. No longer could I feel the pain of his words or the emptiness he left inside of me. I was comfortably numb. With that blinding numbness came fault. The first person I blamed was myself. I should have known what his intentions were when he started to pull away. And my fears, my assumptions had been correct. He had pulled away to protect himself, and he had left me alone and vulnerable to this painful break.

Again, I heard Jake tell me to call. I heard him say that he'd be here if I needed him, and I did. So, I pulled my phone out of my pocket. Intentionally, I didn't move an inch until I heard Jake's voice answer on the other end. That was when the over flow of tears dripped down my cheeks and I uttered his name as a sob. "Jake."

Embry's grey eyes were now black and stared directly up at me. His concern turned into anger, and I must admit that it tasted bitter sweet. What he saw was Jacob and I together, and what I was going to show him would be exactly that.

Jacob hurried over. His truck wasn't fully in park when he jumped out and ran to me. His warmth comforted the numbing throb in my heart. I couldn't coherently make out any words, but what I did manage to say was something along the lines of: "He broke up with me. Leaving. Tomorrow."

"I'm so sorry, Bells." Jake whispered into my hair and kissed the side of my head. "Get in the truck." Nearly picking me up off of the ground, Jacob walked me to the passenger side of the truck and opened the door.

If I were to move or to say anything, then I would completely crumble. So, I sat in the truck quietly. My body, numb but hurting. My heart, dead but beating. Tears were on an endless supply. I couldn't do anything, see anything but Embry. His voice, his eyes, and his sweetness – they were all on repeat in my heart and my head. I could see the way he looked at me. I could feel the way he touched me. I could taste his sweetness, and I could smell that wonderfully beautiful scent of his. Everything about him floated in my brain.

As if I enjoyed self inflicted pain, I replayed the break-up. I remembered every word he said, and every tear that I cried. Feeling it all over again devastated me to the point that I had curled into Jake's side and sobbed. The sleeve of his t-shirt was nearly soaked by the time we reached my house.

"Are you going to tell Charlie?" Jacob shut off the truck and wrapped his arm around me. His voice held with it a soothing quality. "Or do you want me to?"

I shook my head no wildly causing a headache to begin to set in. With puffy red eyes, I looked up at Jake. His head tilted to the side, and a wave of compassion filled the air. Lovingly and gently, Jake leaned over and kissed my forehead a thousand times. His hand held my head in place.

"You gonna be okay?" His whisper was soft and velvety.

I shrugged not sure that I would be. The pain I was in, the numbness I felt was nowhere near the pain I felt when Jake had dumped me as a best friend. I was shattered, broken, and pulled apart. However, with Embry, I was sad, numb, confused, and hurt. I felt like I could crumble, but I never fully did.

The duties of being a best friend had been thrown at him all in one day, but he took the responsibility and ran with it. Jacob explained to Dad and Marybelle everything that had happened, including the tiny bit of deception we had played against them. When Dad demanded that Jacob leave, he refused saying that he needed to make sure I was okay, and that it was either Charlie let him stay willingly, or he would climb through the window.

Jake stayed with me that night. His body curled against mine in my bed as I lay practically lifeless. Again, I didn't speak to him. I didn't have the energy. All I could think to do was remember to breathe. Even when I didn't remember to, Jake was there rubbing my back, playing with the strands of my hair, or whispering that everything would be okay. Little did he know that simply having him there next to me, breathing in his scent, and feeling his warmth, it all seemed to soothe away whatever little bit of pain I felt. Mostly, though, I was still numb and unable to process anything that had happened.

The numbness I felt, I was sure would be temporary, and soon, I would feel the ramifications. But, I had to admit with Jake next to me, helping me, comforting me, I felt like life would continue. I would be okay, eventually. I just had to see it through to the other side.

Sleeping was almost out of the question. What little sleep I did get was riddled with memories, words, and dreams. I was unwilling to process it all, worried that I may begin to crumble the moment I did.

The last dream before I awoke was of the pink bow. It was wrapped securely around my round pregnant belly. The fibers of the pink ribbon seemed to soothe away worry or pain. It held me together as I felt I was about to fall apart. That feeling only lasted for a moment or two until I felt what could only be described as a kick coming from within my womb. Looking down, I could see the shape of a tiny foot pressing against my pale white skin. Just as the foot appeared so did a russet colored hand. His fingers were rough against my stretched skin, but as soon as contact was made, a zap of electricity connected all three of us.

It was that zap of electric that woke me up to Jacob's soft snoring. The length of his arm was wrapped loosely around my midsection, and as I rolled over, Jacob's peacefully somber face was there to greet me. Reaching up, I glided my fingers over his soft and beautiful russet skin then I proceeded to run them through his fuzzy short hair. As much as it would have appeased me to feel something, anything in that moment, I didn't. I was still numb and bleeding.

Jacob's face scrunched up, and he cleared his throat softly before licking at his lips. Having Jacob wake up next to me reminded me of the many times we had spent the night with each other during our childhood. It was comforting to see that everything still seemed to be the same, except Jake was bigger, broader, and more handsome. I let go of his hair and let my hand fall to his shoulder.

"Morning." He said raspily. His throat was dry from sleep.

I didn't say anything; because I knew the moment any word left my mouth that I could fall apart completely. And I didn't want that. I didn't know what I wanted or what I felt. All I knew was that I was hurt and numb and bleeding. Nothing else was important.

"Thirsty?" Jake rolled onto his back and stretched his arms above his head. When I didn't answer, he slightly raised up with an expectant look. I nodded.

While Jake was downstairs getting drinks, I sat up and looked around the room. The fact that there was so little Embry around made it somewhat easier to deal with, but even the thought of his name made me wince at the ache in my heart. I wished I understood. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. Thinking would surely entail dangerous moments of memory.

Jacob pushed through the door. Both of his hands were holding a glass of orange juice, which I expected. However, what I didn't expect to see was the brown folder resting under his arm. My throat began to close up. My heart began to ache.

Handing me a glass of orange juice, Jacob then sat his glass down and retrieved the folder from between his arm and his side. He held it out to me, but I just stared. I couldn't will myself to reach out for it, but Jake reached it further to me. Waving his hand back and forth, he eyed me.

"Here." He said. "Charlie said that Embry dropped this off this morning. Said it was yours. And no, I didn't look at it."

I lifted my hand but put it back down. I repeated that motion several times, but Jake suddenly became impatient. He bounced his legs and gave me a soft, sad look.

"Please take it Bells. I gotta take a piss."

I could have asked him to lay it down on the bed, but I didn't. Instead, I took it from his grasp and stared at the brown cover for what felt like years. The bathroom door clicked shut. I knew it was safe to open the folder, but it was still hard to do. Opening it would be like opening a dam. I would drown in everything all over again. I was sure of it. And there was one thing I knew for sure I did not want Jacob to see the drawing. But, I also needed to see it one more time. So, I slowly opened the folder and gasped.

What I saw wasn't expected. I was at a loss of words and completely confused. I had suspected that Embry had taken the note, but admitting it was a completely different story. However, I had to do just that, because attached to the bottom of the drawing was the note Jacob had written me on Valentine's Day.

That was when anger, misplaced anger, flooded me. If it hadn't been for Jacob, then none of this would have happened. I would still be with Embry. We would be together, and I would be looking forward to visiting New York in a few months. But, I wasn't, and it was Jacob's fault. Embry had broken up with me because of Jacob, because he was convinced that Jake and I were soul mates and true loves. Where would he get such a crazy idea? He had said that he could see it, that he could feel it. So, if Jake had stayed away, then everything would be okay. If Jacob hadn't left me this silly note, then I wouldn't be a numb, bleeding mess.

I had been so tied up in my justification of blaming it all on Jacob that I hadn't realized he was standing next to the bed and about to sit down next to me. Angry and upset, I jumped up just as he sat.

"No!" I yelled. "Get up!"

Jake jumped up off of the bed. "What? What is it?" He explored the bed with his hands surely looking for the reason that I had yelled at him to not sit down.

"I want you to leave." I stated firmly.

"Okay. Why?" Jacob asked. His eyebrows pulled upward in a confused and questioned expression.

With the folder in my hand, I spoke. And as I started to talk, I began to crumble, losing all control.

"This is your fault." Cracks formed in the boundaries I had built.

"What are you talking about, Bells?" Jacob stepped around the bed and toward me, but I backed away until the corner of my wall stopped me.

"This!" I waved the folder in front of him. "It's your fault that Embry broke up with me! I didn't do anything wrong. I never did. You were the one who did this! You!" The cracks in my boundaries were now gaping holes, and I could feel the foundation beginning to crumble. "If I had never…if you didn't…why couldn't you just leave me alone? Why?"

Jacob had continued to make his way toward me. I was literally backed into a corner and had no way out. He stood just a few inches away from me. The brown folder, the drawing, and the note were all in plain sight, and he stared at them.

"I don't know. I just couldn't, Bella! I can't explain it." Jacob softly spoke as if he were afraid that I would crumble even more.

"Well, Embry thinks he can, and he thinks…it doesn't matter what he thinks. If I had never known you, then my life would be okay! I would be okay instead of a pile of nothing. You've ruined my life, Jacob! And I want you out of it! I want you to leave now, and I never want to see you again. Ever!" Tears poured out of my eyes like raindrops from the sky in the springtime. Everything around me seemed to finally give way, and I was no longer held together. I crumbled to the floor. Sobs ripped out of my cold, numb chest with every passing second. I couldn't feel, but I could cry. I couldn't accept the truth, but I could lie.

"This isn't my fault, Bells. Please. You have to know that. You're just hurt. You're angry. I can understand that, but don't blame me. I can't," Jacob's voice cracked, "take you saying that to me."

"It's the truth!" I yelled as loud as I could hoping that Marybelle or Dad were still home.

"No." Jake said breathlessly.

"Everything was fine until you came around again! We were happy, and he loved me. But then, you…you had to come in and ruin it all. It's because of you! All of it." I was so angry that my brain, my heart, my feelings – none of them matched or made sense. They were emotional thoughts that I couldn't keep in my grasp.

That was when Jake knelt in front of me. With his thumb and forefinger, he lifted my gaze to his. "It's not my fault, Bells." Jacob kindly spoke. "I did what I did so that you could be happy. I'm sorry that it didn't turn out that way. I'm sorry that you mean so much to me that I can't…not be here. So, please, I'm begging you, don't blame me. Blame Embry. It's his stupidity, his arrogance that brought you here. Not mine."

There were tears in his eyes. Those giant tears didn't affect me, and I should have known when they didn't to rethink my accusations. But, I didn't. Instead, I went forward with them, because blaming Jacob made the pain and the deadness feel better.

"Just leave." I spoke through the loudest of sobs and handed Jacob the drawing. "Take this and leave me alone. I don't ever want to see you again."

With a nod of his head, Jacob, my best friend and my soul mate, walked out of my life.

I had heard a few days later that Jacob had left for Florida a day early, but I didn't care. I was numb and dead inside with nothing left to give.


	19. Anger

**Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715

**Suggested Listening: **Secondhand Serenade – Why; Alexandre Desplat – You're Alive; Howard Shore – Jacob's Theme; Howard Shore – As Easy As Breathing; Alexadre Desplate – Dreamcatcher; Gavin Rosdale – Love Remains The Same; Crossfade – Cold.

**Author's Note:** Just letting you guys know that this chapter is pretty intense, and a bit all over the place for Jacob. Also, with the upcoming part of Divine Intervention there will be a new playlist. I'll let you guys know more about that in the teaser for Chapter 13. Other than that, thank you guys so much for reading.

**Present Day**

**Jacob**

The hard plastic edges of the armrest dug into the flesh of my hand as I gripped it. The skin on my fingers pulled taut against muscle and bone as though it would tear at any moment. Holding onto the chair was the only thing that kept me from ripping down the movie screen. Anger boiled in my blood.

Like an atomic bomb was dropped, there was an explosion somewhere deep inside of me. All of the cells in my body seemed to ripple with rage. Their vibrations rattled through me until I was physically shaking. Every inch of my skin quivered. I could no longer hold back. I had to do something to release the anger and hurt.

The edges of the armrest cut into my skin inflicting a prickle of pain. That extra bit of pain infuriated me; as if I hadn't been through enough! My fingers tightened around the plastic, and with one swift movement, I jerked my body up into a standing position. The armrests pulled away from the metal brackets securing them in place. I chucked them both toward the screen, over-extending my arm in the process. One missed completely, but the other went clean through the center. It left a large black hole in the movie screen. Something about damaging the screen made me feel a tiny bit better. But no amount of throwing broken armrests would satiate the thirst for destruction I now had. So, I turned my attention to the chair I had been sitting in.

A glimpse of my angelic mother flashed by my eyes as I grabbed onto the upholstered seat and pulled, but even the vision of an angel would not stop me in my fury. Ripping fabric and the screeching sounds of bent metal were pleasant to my ears. It eased away the left over visions and memories, which I tried to forget. But forgetting what I experienced was nothing like seeing how it affected the person you were lashing out at. I would never lose the image of a dirt covered Bella lying on the floor of my garage. Her cries and yelps would forever be stained into my memory.

_She didn't deserve that. _I thought.

All I could see was red as I ripped apart the chair. Metal, screws, and bolts flew through the air. The frayed edges of the fabric all but pissed me off more. I wouldn't be happy until I had completely destroyed every last chair in the stupid theater. No amount of regret was going to fix what pain I had inflicted. Not that I could change things from my perspective now. They were all in the past. Still, no one deserved to go through that much pain. No one. Resentment flooded my soul.

I didn't resent Bella. I never could. I resented myself. Because of lack of belief and my "dreams", pain was inflicted on the one person I could never live without. I may have loved Jessica, but life went on. Where with Bella, life was nothing without her. How could it have taken me so long to realize that?

"Jacob." Mom's cold, airy hand touched mine as I went in to destroy what was left of the chair. Her soothing and caring voice did nothing but rattle my nerves even more. How could she have let me do this? Why didn't I get some type of intervention then? Why now?

"Don't!" I snapped. My teeth bared in a snarl.

"Don't what?" She asked and lifted her see-through hand from mine.

"Don't console me. I don't deserve it." I growled over my shoulder at her.

With the seat of the chair finally broken free, I threw it as hard as I could. Another black hole tore through the screen, and I couldn't help but feel a bit freed by the destruction.

"I don't deserve comfort. I should have…I would have…I could have…" I started to say so much, but there was nothing I could say that would change a damned second about that movie.

"There's nothing you can do, Jacob. This is the past. Your future is in there on that hospital bed waiting for you to see what everyone else already can." Mom lifted from her chair and floated next to me. "This movie isn't about you. It's about the journey you both have chosen. Your choices are what have brought you to this moment, to this place, to me." Her voice sounded like it was made of a thousand harps playing at once. It soothed me although I did not want to be soothed.

"Why now? Why not sooner?" I asked hoping that there was a real answer, not some hidden one behind a theme in a movie.

"I don't have the answer to that, son, but understand when I tell you that this is your destiny. This is your fate. This would have happened no matter which decision you would have made. Bella is your destiny, my son." The sound of a thousand harps slowly faded away with the blowing wind.

"What the hell does that mean?" I yelled angrily into the black abyss of the theater. "It doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense!"

I lost all control of myself, and destroyed nearly everything in my path. Chairs, curtains, and the movie screen – it was all fair game as it had all been the culprit. Nothing seemed to dull the anger exploding inside of me. It still pumped through my veins with every beat of my heart.

"This is my destiny?" A dark roar rumbled from low in my gut and out of my throat. "How can you tell me that and just go away again? I'm your son, god damnit! You're supposed to be here. You're supposed to help me." I kicked the seat of one of the chairs in the theater. A stinging sensation traveled up my foot, but no amount of pain would compare to the pain Bella was put through. "Why won't you just tell me what to do? Tell me what I need to do to get Bella's life back! Tell me what I need to do to get my daughter back!"

But no one answered. No one was there. It was all left up to me now. I had to figure things out on my own. I had to see what everyone else saw. I had to know what everyone else already knew. Why was I so blind to it all? Did it have something to do with my fear? Did it have something to do with love? Maybe if I just remembered, then I would know. Maybe if I tried to think back, then I would see. Maybe if I listened to it all over again, then I could hear what I already…

And suddenly, I was back in my garage in La Push. The dust of the dirt floor kicked up as I moved around angrily yelling at Bella, lashing out at her, because she had tried to protect me. My heart stung in my chest. I felt defeated and alone, lied to and broken. I didn't understand why Bella wanted to hurt me. I cared about her so much, and all I wanted was for her to be happy. Giving her that would be the greatest gift. She was making it so difficult.

Jessica loved me. She would never have used me the way Bells said she had. My heart couldn't take the lies or the truth. I loved both of them, but Jessica was my future. I had to protect my future and walk away from the pain. At least that was what my brain told me to do, but my heart said differently. My heart told me to try to kiss Bella, to try to listen to her. I did. I went with it, but she rejected me. And that just made my naïve soul bitter.

I said things I never should have said. I reacted in a way I never should have reacted. All the while, my heart was screaming in my chest. My mind yelled at me to console Bella, to apologize, and wrap her in a bear hug. But, I couldn't. I'd lost control.

Everything I said and did that night were mere reactions. No thought process or true feelings were involved. The only thing I understood was the deep betrayal of my best friend. And then I found out the truth. I saw it firsthand. There was no going back to fix what I had already broken. To think, it was all over some crazy dream I had. I broke Bella for a crazy, money-hungry whore.

Jessica had lied to me through and through. The "true connection" I felt to her was a bold faced lie. How could I have been so naïve, so ignorant? Her mother wasn't dead. She was off in some big city living the life she had always dreamed, and there I stood in the middle of a crowded hall watching my dream disappear in front of my eyes.

My dream was easy to explain to anyone who would listen. I wanted what everyone else wanted, what could be described as the "American dream". In my mind, there was nothing closer to the American dream than the star quarterback marrying his high school sweetheart, the head cheerleader, and moving away to some unknown town, buying a house with a white picket fence, having two and a half kids, and a mortgage. That was what I saw when I closed my eyes. It was everything I didn't have, but everything I wanted. I thought, Jessica wanted it too, but no, I was only a free ride for her. She found my one true weakness and exploited it.

How could I have been so dumb? How did I not see the truth? Real people didn't lie about their parent's death. Who could do that? And to think that I was warned. I was told differently, but chose to not listen. I chose not to listen to the only woman I could ever trust, because my own heart blinded me.

Bella's eyes apologized a million times over. She never intended for me to find out the way I had – standing in a hallway surrounded by friends and completely humiliated. The need for her was stronger than ever as I stood in a blurry hall. Bella was the only thing in focus. In that moment, I could feel what she meant to me. I knew how I felt, and I would do anything to get her back. _Anything._

I couldn't face the likes of my high school for almost a week. Although I had hoped no one mentioned it again, the school was flooded with rumors and detailed accounts of what happened. Somehow, the teachers, principals, and counselors even found out. Luckily, they understood the heavy blow I had taken, and let me off with no real consequences. Jessica, on the other hand, was dealt with pretty horribly, or so I had heard. I stopped myself from thinking about her, talking to her, or looking in a direction that she could possibly be in.

There were so many mistakes that I had to correct. Most of them involved Bella. Somehow, Jessica had known my feelings for Bella traveled a lot deeper than just friendship. I hadn't explored them until Jessica began to press me about mine and Bella's friendship. That was when I stopped seeing her and ended up with Bella. Going back wasn't an option after that, and it only made Bella more miserable. So, I pushed her to Embry. He was exactly who I would want her to be with, but I never imagined it would go as far as it did with them.

Apologizing to Bella in the parking lot of school was hard for me to do, but I did it. I was emotionally not available to anyone but her. She always brought out my emotions. I desperately needed her to save me from myself, but she wouldn't. I thanked her for that now.

Bella was always there for me – no matter what I did. The moment that she stopped it I was completely clueless, lost, and dumbfounded. Where was I supposed to go? What was I supposed to do? Figuring things out on my own was never a strong quality of mine. I could be dense at times. As much as I wanted to think Bella's rejection was about me, it wasn't. It was more about her, and I was happy to finally see her being involved in her own life. And that exploration of herself was what ended up bringing us back together in college.

The relationship between Bells and Embry was something I had never experienced before. So, watching it was eye opening. It made me feel more than I've ever felt in my life. I was pissed, hurt, numb, involved, and happy. The mirage of feelings was so close to being considered crazy, but it was true. Bella with Embry was a different Bella. Don't get me wrong, she was herself, but it was a side of her that I hadn't seen in a while. I loved that.

I loved watching her smile. The sheer sight of her joyful face made my heart tumble around in my chest. The way Bella smiled around Embry was one that I had grown accustomed to seeing. She only smiled that way when she was in love. And I knew that she was in love with me. I knew it just as I knew the sun set in the west and rose in the east. So, I tried bringing her around. I knew if I was persistent enough that she would forgive me. I did what I had to do to bring her back to me and that included picking Embry up from the airport.

"Thanks for the ride, man." Embry jumped in the passenger side of the door as I pulled up to the pick-up area at the airport.

"It's cool." I answered and started to drive off before he shut the door completely. "How's your Dad doing?"

"As flakey as ever." Embry laughed and checked his phone.

For most of the ride, it was silent. I had plenty to say to him about Bella, but I hadn't gotten my chance since they had become "official". Embry didn't volunteer information on his relationship with Bella to anyone. He liked to keep things private, and I liked that about him. But, I also was growing to dislike him. Embry seemed to have this displaced anger toward me. I'd known about it for years. Jealousy was a tough thing to keep secret when you're on the same team. I just hoped he wouldn't allow it to interfere in his relationship.

With a hidden agenda, I reached over and turned the knob of the radio down. The music all but drifted completely away leaving a silence that was almost uncomfortable. I was about to make it a lot more uncomfortable.

"You and Bella, huh?" I kept my eyes fixated on the white line on the edge of the road.

"Uh…yeah." Embry adjusted his posture, sitting straight up.

I had caught him off guard, which satisfied something inside of me. I felt pleasure in his lack of comfort. Protecting Bella was what I did. I protected her from myself, so Embry was no different. While I was sure that Charlie would interrogate Embry, I had to make sure that his intentions were wholesome. Because, I swear if he ever hurt her…

"If you ever hurt her…" I stated firmly and gripped the steering wheel. Just the thought of him causing Bella pain made my skin begin to crawl.

"I don't plan on it." Embry defensively replied. He adjusted the collar of his t-shirt.

"Well, make sure of it. She's an amazing girl, and she deserves the best of everything. If I hear any differently, rather she and I are friends or not, I will hunt you down." I threatened him with a dark and humorless voice. There was no need for him to think I was being his friend at that point, because I wasn't.

"Damn, Jake. I got it man. Can you turn the heat down a bit? It's not like she's your friend or anything." Embry snuck in a metaphorical punch to my gut.

"That doesn't fucking matter. She's…" I started to explain to him exactly what she was to me, but I couldn't. Our relationship, my feelings, they were all up in the air. I was lost and trying to find my way out of the darkness. Bella was the only beacon of light I saw.

"Yeah, I know what she is to you, man. Just cut me some slack. Your shoes are pretty hard to fill."

"Don't try to fill them." Giving Embry advice in this situation would only hurt me. Bella was involved, and like I had said, she deserved the world. So, I gave him a little bit of information that would help. "Don't try to be me. She'll know what you're doing. Be yourself. Bella's big on that."

I guess he never really took my advice, because eventually that was why they broke up. Embry had wanted to fill my shoes. Not to sound arrogant, but there was no taking my place with Bella. No one would ever be able to do that, and he learned the hard way.

Over the seven months of no talking with Bella, I was miserable. I felt alone in crowded rooms. Nothing was the same, and I questioned why that was. The only common factor was the lack of Bella. Our friendship was something so unique and out of this world. We shared this common bond that I couldn't explain or understand at eighteen. That bond was becoming progressively stronger. The longer we were apart the harder it was to deal with until I knew that I couldn't take any more. That was when I started to make my way back to her. It was the only thing I could do, because without her I was nothing. And that scared me.

Who was I then? Was I just some boy who had a _thing_ for his best friend? Was something bigger than me at work? Would what I had with Bella ever be something I could live without? Did my feelings for Bella have anything to do with the idea that my life without her was incomplete? Was I actually incomplete without her? Why her? Why did it feel like there needed to be more? Could I make it more? What happened if we did turn our friendship into something more? Would we eventually lose it all? Would I ruin it? Would she end up breaking my heart or leaving me just as every other woman in my life had? Why did I need her? Why did I want her?

I couldn't answer those questions at eighteen, and now at twenty-three, I was still unable to figure out most of the answers. But, back then, long term anything was so far out of my comfort zone. My dreams were bigger than Forks, than La Push. I wanted more for me, and I want more for Bells. But, having her so far away physically and emotionally was something I couldn't deal with. So, I started off by inviting her to my eighteenth birthday, then I left her this beautiful, perfectly bloomed yellow rose, as a sign of friendship, and a note asking her to forgive me.

I expected nothing in return, but when I saw the note she wrote back, my world tipped on its axis. She was willing to forgive me, but I would have to work for it harder than I ever had worked for anything in my life. The fact that I had support from her family and mine was astounding.

I talked to Charlie often about Bella. Not that I was keeping tabs on her, but I knew what she was doing and where she was almost always. I was no stranger in her life although she had become one in mine.

My life suddenly was Bella, and I was okay with it. It was like our worlds had been switched. She no longer cared what I said or did, and all I cared about was her. It hurt me to think that I wasn't something she needed, but that changed at the dinner party in March. Something had changed between Bella and Embry. They had seemed perfect on the outside for so long, but now there was just enough room for me to wiggle into. Things changed then. Slowly, Bella came around.

Talking to her in the sand was magical. Her worry was my worry. My pain was her pain. But, somehow with the little bump of her shoulder, she had told me that everything would be okay eventually. That was the Bells I missed the most. We had shared so many moments like that in our friendship.

She was on the verge of speaking to me. I could almost see the words form on her lips, but she never spoke. Instead, Bella let her feelings float into the air and surround us both. The storm brewing over the ocean seemed to be the feeling inside of Bella's heart. Embry was the culprit of her pain, as was I, but I had warned him. Hurting Bella was out of the question. Although, it seemed like he already had.

And then almost out of the blue, she texted me asking for help. How could I say no? I owed her. It wasn't that I felt obligated. Helping Bella out was what she needed, and I needed to be what she needed. So, in a way, me helping her was almost a necessity.

That was when it happened. I saw myself in her eyes. I knew what she was thinking, feeling. She was hurt and scared, tired and worried. Bella needed me to be there for her, to do something so incredibly unselfish that she could see that things between us had changed.

Changed, they did. I couldn't deny what I felt for Bells anymore. It was far more than friendship, but that was what scared me more than anything. As cliché and stupid as it may sound, every other woman in my life that I had cared for had left me: Mom had died when I was little; Jessica. well, there's only so much I can say about her. Bella, on the other hand, had been there with me through it all. I may have tried to throw her out of my life, and I may have tried to hide from her. But, she was still there every single day with a set of eyes that captivated my soul. If I pushed for something more with Bells, then I was bound to screw it up. Somehow, someway, whatever we had would turn sour, and just as I had told Bells before, I needed her in my life. She had to be there with me.

When Bella called me from Embry's and was a total mess, there was no doubt in my mind that I had to be there for her during her time of need. I had to prove to her that I truly wanted to be in her life, and her in mine. So, I did what I had to do. I picked up all the pieces of her and tried taping them together. Fixing her was the last thing on my mind though, because all I really wanted to do was find Embry and beat the fuck out of him. Bella offered me plenty of chances to do just that, but I knew she needed me more than Embry needing his ass beat.

When I watched her cry herself to sleep, I wondered if she had done that when I had ripped her apart. She had been through so much over the past year. I didn't see how she survived, but she had.

In the future, Bella would become this radiantly strong and confident woman, who astonished me on a day to day basis. She would become this beacon of light that made my world brighter. Her smile would do things to me that I never imagined I could feel. The amount of love her heart poured into the world was so great that no matter what I did I was unable to match it. So, in theory, she pushed me to become a better person, and to be this man that she had always envisioned me to be.

Was I who she wanted me to be? Did I meet her expectations?

"You are, and you do." Mom's harp like voice cleared away my thoughts.

"How do you know?" I asked, needing that extra bit of a shove to dwindle down the left over fear residing in my chest.

"She talks to me about you, a lot." Mom smiled. Her skin was glowing and almost translucent, but still her skin tone was visible.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "She prays to you?"

Mom nodded.

"When?" I needed to know. I had to.

"On and off for years now, but more frequently once she became pregnant." The care in my mother's eyes rubbed at the rough edges of my soul. I had been through a lot in my life. Most of it dealt with Bells, and now was no different. Mom offered a softness and a sense of reality to the situation.

"Oh." I said worriedly.

"She never said anything bad about you, son. Bella thinks the world of you. All she ever wanted was for you to be happy, and for your dreams to come true." The harp-like sound of Mom's voice soothed my worry.

"My dreams." I mumbled. "She never wished for hers to come true?"

"No, but I know her dreams, and that's why I'm here. Your dreams and her dreams, they coincide. You've failed to see it. Your fear has blinded you." Mom reached her hand out. Pressing it to the side of my face, she smiled and whispered. "Can you tell me why you fear her now?"

I nodded. My heartbeat picked up so fast that I could almost feel it rattling off of my ribcage. Why was saying it out loud so much harder than thinking it? Swallowing thickly, I tried to put into words what I had felt all along.

"There's something about Bells that makes my life brighter and my world smaller. When I'm with her, I can…do anything, be anything, and she's always there. Even when I mess it all up, she's there. But, how many chances do I get, ya know? How many more times can I shove her out of my life or lose her before it's all said and done? I can't…I can't imagine a world without Isabella Swan in it. It wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be the same." I took a deep breath. The air burned my lungs, so I exhaled quickly. "My fear of losing her is bigger than anything in this world. I _need_ her."

"You will lose her if you keep feeding into that fear." Mom stated matter-of-factly.

I hadn't realized that. I wasn't ready to realize my fear was pushing her further from me. All I wanted was Bella. All I cared about was Bella, but could I admit, could I say, what I truly felt for her?

It felt like an eternity had passed since I had seen both Bella and my daughter. In this moment, it was all I could think about. All I wanted was to see them both again, just one more time before this divine intervention saved my life, or theirs.

"Can I see them again?" I cleared my throat. "Bella and my daughter. I need to see them again before I…"

Mom's air like touch brushed against my bicep. Her fingers wrapped tightly around my arm. The coldness of her touch reminded me of Bella's cold hand that had been holding mine just before this all came about. A chill spiraled down my spine at the possibility of death being knocking on Bella's front door. Was she already dead? Was that why she was so cold?

As we moved toward the glass doors of Bella's hospital room, dire need flooded my veins. Something told me that this would be the moment I would make my choice. I just hoped that the choice beating in my heart was the right one. I didn't see how it could not be the proper choice, but things were all amiss and blurry. Then again, maybe that was my fear causing those reactions.

Mom slid the door open to Bella's room. The thick anesthetic smell smacked me in the face. Briefly, the site of doctor's working on her flashed in my mind. The sound of the heart rate monitor flat lining had me on my knees. A thick film of tears covered my eyes, which blurred the vision of a pale, cold, and asleep-like Bella. She looked like stone – no movement, no breath, no sign of life. Even in what seemed like her death, she was beautiful.

I took a deep, resolving breath and stood back up. Turning to my mom, I gave her a nod to let her know that I needed this time to be just between the two of us. With the simple nod of my head, Mom vanished into thin air, and I was left alone with my cold best friend.

"Hey Bells." I spoke to her like she could hear me, because I wasn't sure that she couldn't. Besides, I had yet come to the conclusion that she was gone, as in dead.

Was she dead? She looked it. Her chest no longer rose or fell. The lack of blush on her cheeks and color in her lips lead me to believe that there was no blood pumping through her veins. Was her heart beating?

I took the few steps to her bedside slowly. I watched her chest for any sign of life, but there was none just as I had presumed when I was further away. Touching her was the only thing that would prove to me that she was possibly still alive. If there was any life left in her, then I would be able to feel the zap of electricity shoot from her and into me. So, I reached down and ran the tip of my finger along her icy cold skin, but nothing happened.

No sparks, no electricity, nothing.

Falling to my knees, I began to weep like a child. My Bells was gone, and all because of me. I had gotten her pregnant; I had kept her at arm's length. All of this was my fault.

Why did it have to be this way? Why was this happening to me? Why did I do this to her?

Those questions sounded oddly familiar. They were almost like the lyrics to the song Bella and I danced to at senior prom. I remembered the way it felt to have her in my arms and for the first time knowing that it meant more to the both of us than what we let on. Her sweet scent of strawberries and vanilla soaked itself into my tuxedo jacket. For the rest of the night, I found myself lifting the lapel just to smell her again. It broke my heart that she had run after Embry, but they were dating. I wouldn't overstep that boundary. Even I had morals.

I had wanted to kiss her, to tell her that I was falling for her, but chickened out at the last minute. Instead of telling her what I felt, I whispered the lyrics to the song I had requested in her ear. And as I remembered those lyrics, I recited them aloud to Bella's cold body.

"Why do you do this to me? Why do you do this so easily? You make it hard to smile, because you make it hard to breathe. Why do you do this to me?"

Looking up, I smiled at the peaceful look upon Bella's face, but I couldn't let her go. She couldn't be dead and gone. Bella had to be here. If she wasn't, then my world would stop spinning. My heart would stop beating. We had a daughter to look after, to take care of. We had a family, and that meant the world to Bells. Our family meant the world to her.

I lifted the hand that had been by my side and rested it on Bella's chest. There was no thump, no beat. The empty feeling was foreign as I had spent so many nights listening to her heart.

"Bells, please," I cried. My words were faint whispers, but they came straight from the heart. "Don't be gone. I need you. The baby needs you, but I…I think I need you more than she does. Please fight, Bells. Please. Don't give up on me now. Don't go away. I know I've messed up. I've been a coward, but this coward has courage now. I promise you that everything will change if you just come back to me. Come back to me, Bells. Come back."

My palm was stiff against the center of her chest. What I had been wishing to see when I came back into her room, and what I had hoped to feel when I pressed my hand to her chest, suddenly happened simultaneously.

A zap of electricity. A deep lung full of air. A hard thud in her chest.

"Bells!" I exclaimed. "You're alive!"

But, she didn't respond. The only thing she did was breath in and out at a normal pace. The color of her lips was back, and her cheeks began to pinken up.

A gush of relief fell down from the heavens. At least she was alive, but I knew that she needed more than I had already given her. She needed to hear what I wanted to say, but I would wait until she was awake. I would wait until she could see me say it, because I wanted to see the way it lit her face up and made her eyes sparkle.

Feeling her heartbeat beneath my palm was like tying up the game in the fourth quarter. It was exhilarating and gave me that extra bit of confidence. I had done what I was supposed to do, and now all I needed to do was win the game.

"Jacob." Mom's comforting voice spoke through the silence. "There's still more you need to see."

I nodded my head, and kissed Bella's hand – the one I had been holding onto. When my lips met her pale hand, warmth transferred from her skin to mine. The zaps of electricity that I had gotten used to feeling over the years seemed to become stronger with every passing second. Bella was getting stronger; she wasn't giving up on me.

Standing, I cleared my throat and let go of Bella's hand. "I know. When can I see my daughter again?"

"Soon." Mom said and began to lead me away from Bella.

As we left Bella's hospital room again, I made sure to take one last glance at her just to make sure that she was still alive, that she was still breathing. The rise and fall of her chest eased away some of the anxiety. I was on the right path all because I had let go of my fear.


	20. Fate

**Disclaimer:**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/21909510923

Suggested Listening: Daughtry - Sorry; A Fine Frenzy - Swan Song; Daughtry - What About Now; John Mayer - Edge of Desire; Paramore - All I Wanted.

**Author's Note:**For this one particular scene, we're just going to pretend like getting through security at airports is as easy as breathing. ;)

* * *

**Main Entry: **fate

**Function: **noun

**1:** the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do: **DESTINY**

**2** **a**: an inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition, or end. **b**: DISASTER; _especially_: DEATH

...

**Main Entry:** destiny

**Function:** noun

**1:** something to which a person or thing is destined: FORTUNE

**2:** a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency

Synonym: **FATE**

**...**

"Some say that destiny and fate are one in the same. In fact, Merriam-Webster lists both fate and destiny as a synonym for the other; however, I believe otherwise. Fate can be ignored, avoided, and grazed over. Fate is an opportunity many miss. Fate happens to you. Destiny, on the other hand, is what life has planned for you. You cannot ignore destiny, because it's just that…your destiny. Destiny brings you to those people you cannot live without, to those places where the sun soaks into your skin, and to those momentous times that will never be forgotten. Fate may have given you the opportunity, but destiny is what brought you here."

Bending my toes, I dug them into the grainy sand of the beach. In front of me was a long, jagged, and sharp rock formation. It jutted out about one hundred feet into the salt water. Surrounding the rocks was the white foam of endless crashing waves. The sound of the constant splash of water calmed me.

When I closed my eyes and let the wind hit my face, I was taken back to a time where my worries were no bigger than my bed time being before my favorite cartoon aired, or when I was going to see my best friend again. Life was simple then. Love had not become an obstacle to overcome. Fear had not been the brick wall standing between us. Not that fear was the only thing in the way, but now thousands of miles separated us.

I had thought with time my feelings would become nonexistent, but thinking never really got me that far. My heart still ached for him, and my soul missed the other half of itself. I was lonelier than I had ever been, and I was to blame for it all.

Lashing out at Jake was a way for me to escape my pain, my loss of Embry. I regretted it more than anything. My life was full of mistakes, but that had been my biggest. With the cold autumn wind swirling around me, I wondered where he was and what he was doing. He had promised to keep in touch, but I suppose that promise was voided when I threw him out of my life.

Just then, a spout of water and a loud whooshing noise came from the end of the rocks. A black flipper parted the water first. In an elegant and swift motion, a black tail with white spots exited the water and slammed back down, causing large droplets of water to fly into the air. I smiled brightly. At least I still had one friend in La Push.

This was what my life had come to the past few months: a new friend, a pile of rocks, and a newly bloomed loved. Cautiously, I made my way out to the end of the rock formation. The first few times I had come to visit were dangerously funny. My feet weren't used to the slippery rocks or their jagged edges, so many times I had gone home with scratches, scrapes, and cuts all over. But now, I had it down to an art. I knew where to step, what to hold onto, and which rocks were less slick.

"Hi Elaina." I whispered stepping onto the last rock. The icy-cold ocean sprayed a mist of salt water onto my skin. "Nice to see you again."

Elaina surfaced just enough to where I could see the shape of her almost human-like eye, and slapped her flipper into the surface of the water. She greeted me the same way every time I came out to see her, so I knew she knew who I was. Elaina and I shared something in common. We both felt lost in the big world. Her family had been killed by poachers. The head marine biologist at the aquarium had found Elaina close to shore. Her body was covered in deep lacerations, which lead Alex to believe that the poachers had tried to kill her as well. Somehow, Elaina had escaped and now swam these waters daily still searching for her family.

"No sign of them, huh?" I sighed.

Elaina blew a gust of air out of her blowhole.

"No. No sign of him either."

Elaina's huge tail flapped the water.

"I'm trying!" I exclaimed. Gosh, how pathetic had I become? I was having an actual conversation with a whale. "It's hard to do. I don't know what to say or how to say it. I can't call him, because I won't be able to talk. And how do you apologize for something like that in a text message?"

Elaina dove under the water, and then came back up just as quickly as she went down. This time her head stuck out of the water.

"Email is the best option, Elaina. I can think about it. I can read it and make sure it's exactly what I want it to say, and you know, he'll get it when he has time. Jake's busy with football and school. His schedule must be crazy."

For weeks I tried to compose an email that properly apologized to Jacob, but nothing I wrote seemed good enough. My apologies either seemed too explanatory or too bland. I couldn't speak from my heart; I had blocked it off over time. Without my heart, sorry was nothing but a word. Jake deserved more than that. The more I thought about what I needed to say, the less fruitful it became. So, I submerged myself in life.

As much as I hated to admit it, the old saying "time heals all wounds" was the most truthful thing anyone had ever told me. Passing time became my friend, and soon the dark, depressing feeling in my heart gave way. The heaviness I had felt, the sadness, and the fear slowly burned out until I was left with nothing but the beat of my heart.

I would never forget Embry or the love that we shared, but I put that behind me where it belonged. Embry wasn't my destiny. He was simply a part of it.

Jacob was a touchy subject. While I still loved him dearly and still yearned for him to take his rightful place as my best friend again, I simply could not forgive myself for what I had done. And in return, I built a wall of steel around my heart. He would never know exactly how much I loved him and still did. I wouldn't allow it not even in the direst of circumstances.

I had chosen to attend a local community college. Classes were cheap, but reputable. It seemed like a good idea at first until I found myself bored with the quality of teaching. The material was nothing like I had imagined it to be. Most of what we learned in the fall semester was stuff that I had studied in AP classes during high school. It went without saying that my community college did not offer the one thing I had dreamed of studying – marine biology. So, I stuck to general education classes with a few additional science courses on the side.

My college life was nothing grand, and that was exactly what I was looking for. I wanted to experience the world, do things I would never do, and be the person I had always dreamed of being. There were no crazy college parties, no one night stands, and no showing up to class still drunk. Instead of the craziness that most college kids experience, I concentrated on achieving a 4.0 and work.

The aquarium became my home away from home. A paid position for an assistant to one of the head marine biologists came open, and my manager offered it to me. Alex, the head marine biologist, is what led me to meeting Elaina, and Elaina helped me survive my very first semester of "college".

Once winter break rolled around and Angela came home, I didn't feel so alone or self absorbed. We spent a lot of time together. Shopping turned out to be not so bad with Angela. We both shared the same style, so it wasn't like pulling teeth when we were out together. During out shopping sprees, Angela would share her first semester experiences with me.

"You know, Bells," Angela had started calling me by my nickname during the fall semester, "it wouldn't hurt you to go away to school. It would be good for you to get away from Forks and La Push for a while."

Angela had somehow started looking out for me and my well-being. It wasn't like I was incapable of doing it myself. I just had so much in Forks and La Push counting on me. Mainly, I was afraid to go away, afraid that I wouldn't return, and that meant letting go of Jacob forever. I couldn't do that.

"I know, and I want to. There are just so many people counting on me here." I answered.

"Like who?" Angela shoved an ugly pea-green sweater back onto the rack and browsed the shelf of jeans I was looking at.

"Dad and Marybelle." I stated firmly, but she quickly dismissed it with a raise of her perfectly trimmed eyebrow. "Fine. Alex at the aquarium, and Elaina."

"Alex, I can see counting on you, but that's what an advanced notice is for. Elaina…how does she count on you? She's a whale!"

"She's not just a whale." I huffed and rolled my eyes a bit. "Elaina and I understand each other. We have battle scars. And well…I'm the only family she has in La Push."

"Bella, she's a whale." Angela exaggerated her syllables. "Don't let an animal keep you from experiencing life. Besides, if Elaina is like family to you, then wouldn't she want you to get out of here for a while?"

I shrugged and ended the conversation. I wouldn't tell her that a part of me was worried that I would never see Jake again if I left. He was what kept me in Forks and La Push. Not Elaina. Not Alex. Not Dad and Marybelle. Anxiously, I awaited his presumed arrival for Christmas. Jacob wouldn't miss a holiday with his family. He was the only family Billy had, and there was no way Jake would leave him alone on Christmas. I suppose part of me put off writing him an email in hopes that he would magically show up at my front door with a Christmas gift, or leave a yellow rose on my windshield, or lock me in my room until I apologized.

None of that happened though, and I was left alone to wonder if there was something I was missing. Was there a step I needed to take before life began to roll again? It seemed far too stagnant these days. Life was out there waiting for me; however, I felt the need to do something dramatic, something that would insure that Jacob wasn't gone from my life completely.

A few days before Christmas, I was sitting in the middle of the living room floor wrapping gifts and watching "It's A Wonderful Life". When both Dad and Marybelle sat down on the couch side-by-side and seemingly stared me down, I stopped mid-wrap and looked up.

"What?" I asked.

"Bells, there's something I need to tell you." Dad squeezed his eyebrows together and rested his arms on his knees. He leaned forward a bit, and Marybelle lifted her hand to rub Dad's back. That was when I saw it – the band of silver wrapping around Marybelle's left ring finger. Her palm was facing me, so I couldn't tell if the news was that they were engaged or had gotten married without my knowledge. Not that I minded either scenario. They were great together.

I smiled softly with my lips still covering my teeth. "Congratulations."

Marybelle and Dad looked toward each other then back to me. The surprise written across their face was pretty priceless. A chuckle rumbled out of my throat, and my lips spread into a wide smile. I pointed to my left ring finger. Marybelle quickly placed her hand on her legs, revealing a decently sized diamond perched atop the silver band.

"I should have known you'd pick up on that. You are the Chief of Police's daughter after all!" Dad laughed with me. There was a twinkle in his eyes. It was one that I had not seen since I was a little girl when he and my mom were still together.

"Is it okay?" Marybelle self-consciously shrugged and sighed.

"Of course it's okay!" I exclaimed. A part of me wanted to tell her that I was more than thrilled to have her as an official step-mother, but I think she already knew. "Marybelle, you're more like a mom to me than my own mom. I think it's perfect that you guys are getting married."

Tears welled up in my father's eyes. His hand squeezed onto Marybelle's before he brought it up to his lips for a tender kiss. There was nothing like seeing true, honest love to make the heart grow fonder. The simple sight of that love between Marybelle and Dad reminded me of Jacob and all that I had given up with him. I knew I had to make a move, and there would be no going back from it. However, I still did not know if Jacob planned on being home for the holidays. So, I blatantly asked.

"Do you know if Jake is coming home for Christmas and New Years?" To busy myself, I began wrapping the gift in front of me again.

"No, he's not. He's actually flying Billy down to California for the bowl game." Dad answered.

"He's playing?" Immediately butterflies in my stomach began to flap their wings. How could I miss such an important moment in Jacob's life?

"They might play him if they're winning the game. He's second string this season, but Billy says the coaches are already looking to start him next season."

My heart dropped. If Jake wasn't coming home for Christmas, then who knew when I would see him again? I _had _ruined my friendship with him. At least when Jake had made his mistakes, he was still within the same state. All I had going for me was the fact that I still had his phone number and email address. Would that be enough?

For days my mind reeled on and on with regret. How could I have been so foolish, so immature? Was I that unhappy?

Maybe the days I had spent worrying about my relationship with Jacob, I should have been concentrating on myself. Relationships should not be what make you happy. They should add to the happiness of your life. Friendships and love are in your life to amplify the beauty of it all. They should not have been the only source. Maybe that was what I had been doing wrong all along? So, for the hundredth time in my life, I promised myself that I would live for me, for my happiness. I would provide the beauty in my dimly lit world. However, I had grown up enough to know that secluding myself from the people who meant the most to me would only force a darkness onto my world.

Late on Christmas Eve, I sat in the old wooden desk chair of mine and opened my laptop. Admitting my wrong doing would be hard, but I would have to do it. Communicating with Jacob about everything would be the only way to work things out. He was probably lost on why everything happened the way it had and deserved an explanation. He deserved my full attention.

Opening up my email program, I stared blankly at the random emails in my inbox. None of them seemed important enough to open at the moment, so I clicked the "New Email" option. A blank email opened. Demanding my attention was the blinking line in the "To:" section. Quickly, I typed out Jacob's name, and a little blue box popped up his email address. I clicked the mouse on the shortcut menu, and in the "To:" section of the email, Jacob's name appeared bold and underlined. Not knowing what to put as the subject, I skipped down to the compose field. Again, I typed his name.

_Jacob,_

But that felt too formal. So, I changed it to what made it more comfortable, to what I had known since I was a kid.

_Jake,_

I started and deleted the email probably a hundred times before what I began to type felt right. Explanations and detailed accounts of what happened from my side were unnecessary; I wouldn't put him through that. So, I kept it as short and simple as I possibly could, hoping that maybe he would understand exactly how apologetic I was with my lack of words.

_Jake,_

_I'm sorry. It wasn't your fault then, and it's not now._

_I'm sorry for taking advantage of your friendship._

_I'm sorry for everything._

_I miss you._

_I need you._

_Bells._

Before I could think twice about it or change it, I sent the email into cyberspace, hoping that it wouldn't get lost amongst the ample amounts of junkmail. It was hard to tell when Jake would actually get it. In high school, he checked his account regularly, but now his schedule had to be insane. I only hoped he checked sometime soon.

Christmas came and went with no word from Jake. My insides began to tumble as crazy thoughts floated through my head. I was sure regret was getting the best of me, but I had taken the step I felt obligated to take. Not that obligation was the only thing that had me apologizing. Jake, no matter my feelings for him, was still the only person in the world who understood me. There was a connection between us that didn't exist in other friendships. Even my friendship with Angela was different, and we had grown as close as two girls could be. Yet, somehow, I felt lost without Jake in my life.

By the time December thirtieth rolled around, I had about enough of the angsty thoughts and growing anxiety. My heart couldn't take the wait. Again, I felt that there was something I needed to do. Perhaps something more drastic. I needed to take action in a way that Jake had no choice but to deal with it right then and there. Not that I thought he was ignoring me, because I didn't know. Dad hadn't mentioned if Billy had returned home yet. And asking Dad about that would only result in millions of questions that I wished to not answer. So, I went to the only other person who would know: Marybelle.

"Marybelle?" I knocked on the door of her and Dad's bedroom.

"Come on in, Bells." Twisting the knob, I slipped inside the door. Marybelle smiled while her fingers pushed an earring through her pierced ears.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked. "I don't want to intrude, but I really need your advice about something."

"About Jake?" Marybelle reached for a bottle of perfume on her vanity and sprayed her wrists with it and then proceeded to rub her wrists just below her earlobes.

The smell of her perfume was sweet, but elegant. It fit her perfectly. "That smells so good." I stood up and reached for the bottle. "What is it?"

"It's called Pretty, but I'm sure that's not what you wanted to talk to me about. Put some on if you want to."

Just as Marybelle had, I sprayed my wrists with the perfume and then rubbed them on my neck. "No. Perfume isn't what I wanted to talk about."

"Well, go ahead. I have to finish getting ready. Charlie and I are having dinner tonight with Sue Clearwater."

"Well…I… do you know when Billy is going to be back home?" I questioned.

"Charlie and Billy have a fishing weekend planned for the first. I'm sure he'll be back by then." Marybelle's voice was muffled from the walls of her walk-in closet. She stuck her head out of the door. "I don't know about Jake though. Why?"

"I kinda sent Jake an email the other night, and I haven't heard back from him. So, I don't know if he's gotten it or not. I figured that if Billy was coming home soon, then Jake would probably too. I don't know. I'm just so nervous! What if he's ignoring me?" I flopped onto the bed and fell backward. Covering my eyes with my hands, I tried to disregard the way my insides felt like they were wrestling around.

"Like you ignored him for seven months?" Marybelle yelled from the closet.

"I guess." That realization had yet to hit me. I suppose karma was a bit of a bitch.

"Bells, I don't think," Marybelle walked out of the closet adjusting her blue cocktail dress. "I don't think Jacob would do that. Not that I'm saying what you did was wrong, which it was, but anyway…I think Jake knows you were just hurt. You've had time to heal. I'm sure he's expected some kind of contact from you once that happened." She twirled around a bit and propped her hand on her hip. "How do I look?"

"Beautiful!" I exclaimed. "Dad won't know what hit him. Do you really think that? What else can I do?"

"Call him." Marybelle stated like that was the most obvious idea.

"I guess. I just…I'm worried that I won't be able to say anything." I sighed.

"Do yourself a favor, Bells. Call him."

That night after Marybelle and Dad had left for their dinner, I went into my room, closed the door, and sat on the edge of the bed with my cell phone in hand. My heart pounded in my chest as I browsed through my contacts list, purposefully passing Jake's name twice. Finally, I found enough courage and swallowed the fear of rejection long enough to press the call button. Staring at the "Calling.." prompt, I nervously chewed on my lip. My insides were yet again in a knot, and my ears burned. When I finally put the phone to my ear, it was in mid-ring. I had no idea how many times the phone had already rang, but it clicked over half way through the second ring.

"Hello." Jacob answered. His voice was an old familiar sound that caused my heart to ache.

I opened my mouth to speak. But the lump in my throat blocked the words from forming. Snapping my mouth shut, I squeezed my eyes together so hard that I could see tiny spots of glittery light.

"Bella?" Jake asked for me. That would have been a perfect time to speak, but I couldn't do it. My fears were materializing in front of me. They had constricted my throat to the point that not even a tiny hello could screech through. "Are you there?"

Nothing. Not a squeak. Admitting that I was wrong, showing my regret was harder than I ever expected it to be. I was as stagnant as the swamplands.

"Guess not. You must have pocket dialed or something."

Exhaling, I tossed my head back while rolling my eyes. A few moments passed with not so much but an airy breath.

"I can hear you breathing, Bells." He swallowed thickly as though he was fighting away the same throat constrictions. "I want you to know that how you acted _hurt_ me. I didn't deserve that."

"I'm sorry." I whispered barely loud enough for a mouse to hear.

"What? I can't hear you." Jacob provoked me to face my fears and allow myself to admit my wrong doings. "Can you talk a bit louder?"

"Yeah." I cleared my throat, preparing it for the words I was about to say. "I said…" Suddenly, the phone line was filled with loud echoes, people talking, and static. "I'm sorry." I could barely hear myself think let alone hear anything that was maybe being said.

"Sorry." Jacob yelled loudly. "I can't hear you. Gimme a minute." Just as quickly as the noise picked up it went away. I heard what sounded like a door clicking shut and the sliding of wheels across the floor. So, I assumed he had gone somewhere private. "Sorry about that. The guys are throwing a welcome home party. What were you trying to say?"

"I'm sorry." For it to be my third time saying it in a row, it surely came out squeakier than the first two.

"For what?" Softness was braided into Jacob's tone.

"For blaming you. It wasn't your fault." The more I said, the less nervous I became, and the more natural it felt.

"So, you don't want me out of your life?"

I closed my eyes and imagined what he looked like at the moment. I was sure that his cheeks were stained red, and his eyes as dark as the midnight sky. Just by the way he spoke to me, I could tell that time had ate away at his soul just as it had mine. We had been apart for far too long.

"No. I'm sorry that I said that, Jake. I hope that…you can forgive me." The last part was hard to say, because I knew there was a chance that Jake would not accept my apology.

"I have to go. I'll call you back in like twenty minutes." Without waiting for me to agree or disagree, the line went silent. And my fears consumed me.

Tears found their way down my cheeks. The trails they left would forever be stained into my soul. I had done what I could, said what I should have. Those tears that fell were automatic. It was as though my soul wept a loss that I had seemingly not known about until this point in time. I had been strong before, and now I was only strong enough to break.

For ten minutes, our conversation ran on repeat in my mind. I asked myself what I could have said differently, done differently, and my heart answered with far too many options. I tried to remember everything he said. Most of it had been so easy for me to hear, but there was one thing I overlooked. It was just after the loud sounds interrupted the phone call.

"_Sorry about that. The guys are throwing a welcome home party. What were you trying to say?"_

Who were the guys? And why were they throwing him a welcome home party? It didn't make sense. Florida wasn't his home. La Push was. Did Jake consider Florida his home now?

Screeching brakes in front of my house had me running to the window to find out whoever it was. I didn't recognize the sleek, shiny black car with tinted windows in my driveway. So, I stepped to the side a bit so that the idiot driver who almost drove through my front yard didn't see me. But that changed when the door slung open and out stepped my best friend.

"Jake." I said breathlessly.

Before I could even decide to run out of my bedroom and down the stairs, my heart had me at the front door slinging it open. Jake's stare was on the ground until the moment my feet hit the porch. It was then that his eyes darted up to mine, and I felt the kindness, the love, and the anticipation there. I slung myself down the steps and into his arms. As my body collided into his, my skin began to tingle with the ever familiar electricity. Jacob's arms were tightly wrapped around my ribs. He squeezed so hard that I could feel the tension in his biceps.

"How are you here?" I disbelievingly asked.

"I got home this morning with Dad. I was going to come see you tomorrow." Jacob's voice wasn't the same as the one I had previously known. There was experience there, and something else, something that I felt I would have to earn back.

My legs lifted on their own accord and wrapped securely around Jake's waist. Tightening my arms, I buried my face in his neck and breathed every ounce of him in. Placing his palm on the back of my neck, Jake held onto me as though I was about to jump out of his arms and run away. His thumb swiped back and forth over the thick layers of my hair before his grip tightened. Jake gently pulled my head back.

The dark onyx of his eyes seemed lighter. His dilating pupils drilled holes through me and into the dark depths of my soul. There, he yanked and tugged for me to come out of hiding, for the girl that he had lost too many times the past year and a half to appear again. We seemed to be stuck in a revolving door; I left it up to him to pull us out of rotation.

Breaking the trance he had me in, I ran my fingers through the messy strands of his black hair. His hair was longer, messier, thicker. I wanted to smile, but it wouldn't have been appropriate. Something far heavier, deeper, happened in the moments I was in his arms. Jacob never stopped staring at me. The disbelief pouring out of him tortured me. I would do anything to keep that look off of his face; it was the same look I saw in the hallway. That time seemed so far away. We seemed like mere strangers then, but now, we were just who we needed to be.

I studied the features of Jake's face. Although familiar, they were different in a way that I couldn't begin to understand. Did I look different to him? Did I seem as different as he seemed?

"Jake…" I was trying to gain an understanding of him, of us, of the moment, but he wouldn't allow it.

"Shh." Jacob's lips perched. The shushing sound breathily whistled causing the hairs on my skin to stand on end.

I watched Jake watch me, becoming just as lost in the moment, in the feeling. In response my body melted into his. His warmth bled through my clothes, and I could feel the fast pace of his heart beat against my chest.

Silently, Jacob pressed me against him even more and walked us through the front door. As we reached the bottom of the steps, I rested my head against his shoulder and allowed my finger tips to play with the tiny hairs at the back of his neck. Goosebumps instantly rose on his skin. Jacob took the steps to my bedroom two at a time. He was so graceful, so intent, that I felt like I was floating in midair.

Being in his arms could only be described as happiness_._ From my rightful place, I watched as we passed Dad and Marybelle's room. When we reached my bedroom door, a group of butterflies fluttered their wings.

The familiar green walls of my bedroom soothingly caressed my heart. Those same green walls spun a bit as Jake turned, pushing the door shut. Gently, Jacob laid me down. His hand cradled the back of my neck until my head rested lightly upon the pillow below it. He lifted himself then, and the contact of his heart to my chest was lost; my heart stammered, but the electricity between us shocked it back to life. His eyes clearly questioned the moment, the timing… everything. But, there was one thing we had in common: it just didn't matter anymore.

Tense pressure built up between the four walls of my bedroom. Jacob and I were lost within the other. Our hearts throbbed deep in our chests. Our minds raced with thoughts, memories, hopes, and dreams. Passion seemingly cocooned the two of us. We were mere caterpillars now, and if what we truly wanted to be was a butterfly, then we simply could not miss this opportunity.

Surprisingly, I made the first move by lifting the blue v-neck t-shirt up to his chest. Taking over then, Jake reached to the back of his shirt and yanked it over his head. My shirt was next, but instead of one swift movement, Jacob slowly pulled my cotton shirt up to my ribs. I lifted myself just inches from the bed. It was enough space for Jake to release the material from my body. A soft smile worked its way to the corners of Jake's mouth. They rose slightly and his eyes shimmered in the darkness of my room. The tips of his fingers brushed a strand of hair away from my collarbone. Without hesitation, Jacob slid his fingertips from the top of my shoulders, over the mounds of my breasts, and down my ribcage to the button of my jeans.

Once my jeans were unbuttoned, Jake glanced up. Our eyes met for a second; the level of desire in his brought out the powerful need to feel him, touch him. So, I did. Just as my finger touched his skin Jake's jaw fell ajar. A small gasping breath left his opened mouth. As though the level of pleasure was too much for him, Jacob grasped onto my wrist, breaking the contact of my skin and his. He placed my hand on my jeans and nervously looked up at me. He dropped his hand to the button of his jeans and popped it.

I made the choice then. I could either fight what I felt with him, what I needed with him, or I could embrace it. Although I was scared, I chose my fateful path. Fantasies weren't made of moments like this. The way he looked at me washed away any doubt, any fear, any last minute regrets. He made me feel like a princess; I knew I would never find that with anyone else.

Bending my knees first, I then slowly pushed my jeans and panties down until they met my feet, where Jake tugged them free. I allowed him a moment of admiration before I sat up, unclasping my bra and letting my breasts fall free. As my bra slid down my arms, I caressed the curves of Jake's chest, the ripples of his abdominals, and the dipping V shape of his hips. Unable to withstand the lightness of my touch, Jacob pushed his pants down to his knees and leaned forward. In succession with him, I laid back, welcoming the electric zaps passing from his skin to mine.

The blackness of his eyes seemed to intensify as our bodies meshed. All I could do was breathe out a moan at the feel of him inside of me. His parted lips hovered over mine, but we didn't kiss. Jacob touched our noses together, and in doing so, began a series of endless Eskimo kisses. His plump lips brushed lightly against mine. My eyes stayed on his, and his on mine.

As our noses circled together, his hips continuously rolled into mine. The lack of his kiss, the brushing of his nose against mine, and the effortlessly perfect thrusts of my best friends hips seared my body with utterly pure ecstasy.

My throat clogged with deep airy moans. Jake kept me locked in a stare. The need in his eyes overwhelmed me. I only hoped my eyes mirrored the same feeling. As he moved inside of me, I moved with him to keep the contact of our Eskimo kisses. And no matter how badly I wanted to actually feel his lips kiss my own, I would not break the eerily perfect moment between us.

The ache in my core started to double. With each and every thrust, I could feel myself losing control. My back arched upward trying to keep the connection longer. I tingled all over as he fluently pleased every tiny millimeter of my body, my heart, and my soul. Just as I thought I was alone in my ecstasy, Jacob squeezed his eyes shut.

"God." He whispered into the warm air circulating in my room.

His muscles tensed up, and he drew his bottom lip into his mouth. Digging his teeth into it, Jacob opened his eyes to catch my stare of his lips. My mouth opened in a silent moan, and I arched up again. The pleasure coursing through my veins closed my eyes and let me fall deep into the black hole of desire. A low grunt and a more forceful thrust had me blindly searching for Jacob's lips. Lifting up a bit more, I finally tasted his warmth.

Jake's kiss was soft and supple. Tenderly, our lips worked together, heightening the level of contact we had. That extra bit of sensation threw my body into sensory overload, causing me to work my hips harder against Jake's. Those hard, powerful thrusts had me digging my nails into Jacob's back as an intensely, satisfyingly, emotional orgasm fell over the both of us.

Every last inch of me blissfully relaxed. The moments following our delightful reunion were just as passionate. However, the passion was not in what we physically did but the emotional explosion that simultaneously happened. Jake slid next to me without our skin disconnecting and draped his arm around my midsection. His lack of words spoke more than anything he could possibly say. Not a single remark would matter as much as the light touches of his fingers against the back of my hand or the warmth of his breath on the back of my neck.

The palm of Jake's hand fell to my stomach. For a moment or two his hand rose and fell with my breaths, then seemingly without notice he pulled me onto my back. Our connection was still intact with his hand on my stomach. The opposite hand disappeared behind his head as he propped himself up. When my eyes connected with his, Jake smiled a smile that could only be described as Jacob's.

"You okay?" he asked.

I nodded.

"Do you want to talk?" His brows lifted with question.

"Not really." I whispered. My gaze fell to his neck, and I watched his Adam's apple bob while he talked.

"I think we should." Jacob's voice was rough and tired.

His statement jerked my attention away from his neck. The face I had always known to wear a smile was somber and lost. Sighing, I reached out and touched the side of his face with my hand.

I dropped my hand to his neck with a smile. "I'm happy you're here."

"Me too." He sleepily rested his head on his bicep. As though he was trying to keep himself awake, Jake's fingers began to comb through the strands of my hair. He watched his fingers intently. "I got your email this morning."

I half expected to be nervous, but I wasn't. "Is that why you came back?"

Jacob nodded his head. "I was gonna fly back to Florida, but when I got your email…I knew I couldn't stay away. And when I told Dad that I was coming home for a few days, he called just about everyone he knew. That's why I couldn't come over here as soon as I got home. Everyone was already at my house. Then the guys showed up with welcome home banners and talked about partying all night. I didn't want to party. I didn't want to do anything but see you. I couldn't tell them that though. So, I just went with it until you called."

"I'm glad you changed your plans." The soft caress of his fingers on my scalp made my eyelids heavy. A yawn parted my lips before I could even think to stifle it.

"Sleepy?"

With drooping lids, I nodded and watched his eyes become just as heavy. "Aren't you?"

"You have no idea." His eyes drifted shut and stayed that way. "Jet lag is a mother fucker."

"I'm sorry you're so tired. You could have waited. This could have waited another day." Closing my eyes, I succumbed to a soothing darkness. Sound was my only connection to the outside world.

"I couldn't wait another day." Sleep slipped inside of his words causing his voice to be a groggier, scratchier version of itself.

The beat of my heart sped up. My intake of breath was sharp, and a mountain of butterflies swarmed in my stomach. Jacob being here, in my bed, unclothed, and so close to me felt more than okay. Whatever was happening only seemed to fan the ever burning fire between us. Why were we so drawn together? Why did it always turn into something so intense, so heartfelt when I was around him?

Sleep began to take over my body. Relaxation and comfort engulfed me in such a way that I wished to never move, to never have to deal with anything or anyone ever again. That was when the light bulb clicked on over my head.

While I was a nineteen year old adult, I still lived with my dad, who was Chief of Police and owned a gun. No matter how much he loved Jacob, he would not hesitate to use that gun if he found Jake sleeping next to me naked.

"Jake." I bumped my shoulder against his jaw. "You sleeping?"

"I was." Shifting his position, Jacob rolled to his back.

"Sorry, but I don't think Dad would be okay with you being naked in my bed." I grumbled.

"Shit, you're right." Quickly, Jake sat up and pulled his underwear on. "Do I have to put everything back on?"

"No. Just slide your clothes under the edge of the bed and get under the blankets." I stood long enough to pull back the comforter and sheet.

"You're not getting dressed?" His eyebrows lifted and wrinkled his forehead a bit. The blush covering his cheeks gave away where his attention was.

A slight smile made an appearance, but I was too tired to play around with him. So instead of teasing him as I should have, I slid under the covers and motioned for him to slide in next to me. Enveloping me in his arms, Jake's warmth flooded over my skin.

Morning came much sooner than I wanted it to. Muffled voices of Dad and Marybelle in the hall woke me far earlier than I intended to wake. My body wanted to go back to sleep, but my mind reeled back to the night before. All that happened replayed behind closed eyelids. The warming sense of having my best friend so close to me blurred the very line we fought so hard to keep. Jake's arm wrapped around me when the doubts started to surface. His touch pushed them far back in the darkest depths of my brain. For that, I was grateful.

Trying hard not to wake him, I climbed out of bed, put my robe on, and walked into the hall. I stopped by the linen closet and grabbed a towel. Before I had the chance to make it to the bathroom, Marybelle snuck her head out of her bedroom door. She motioned me inside. Suspiciously, I walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind me.

"What?" I asked.

"Is Jake here?" Marybelle whispered.

"Yeah. He came over last night after I called him." I answered in a normal voice, confused by her need to be so secretive.

"SHH!" She placed her long finger against her lips. "Charlie knows he's here, but he doesn't know what I know. So, spill it…what happened?"

I opened my mouth to answer her, when I heard the door of the bathroom shut. For a moment I thought it could have been my dad. Marybelle's eyes were wide and bright as though she was a deer stuck in headlights.

"I don't think we should talk about this now." I whispered, praying to whichever God would listen that it wasn't my dad.

"I wanna know!" Her southern drawl dragged out the syllables of her words.

My prayers were answered when I heard Jacob clear his throat as he walked by the bedroom door. Relief fell over me in a sigh. "I'll tell you later!"

With that said, I exited the room and returned to my own. Jake was pulling his t-shirt over his head when I closed the door behind me. Thankfully the only part of him that was still unclothed was his stomach. Even that little sliver of skin made me tingle all over again. Letting his shirt fall, Jacob stepped around the bed and to where I was standing. I held onto the towel tightly, fighting the urge to rip his clothes back off and have my way with him.

"Morning." Jacob muttered and pulled me into a hug. His warmth, again, washed over me.

"Morning." I answered back.

Pulling back, Jake unhappily looked at me. "I have to go."

I frowned.

"I don't want to go either," his palms rested on my cheeks. "Stay with me tonight? Dad will be with Sue and her family, and I don't want to spend New Year's Eve alone."

"You don't have plans with the guys?" I only asked because I didn't want to sound as needy as I felt.

He shook his head no. "'Sides, I wanna spend it with my best friend." A bright and happy smile worked its way onto Jacob's face.

I took a breath of air in hoping that it would dilute the amount of Jacob flowing through my veins, but instead I only breathed him in more. A low, soft, almost inaudible moan gurgled in the back of my throat, which brought Jake a step closer. His body brushed against mine, causing me to ache all over. Zaps of electricity brought about a round of chill bumps that felt like they would never go away. There was something out of my reach, out of the realms of my mind that took control, and I wasn't about to fight it. As that mindset took over, I lifted up to my tiptoes and kissed Jake without hesitation.

Jacob groaned and fought with something deep inside of him. One moment he was pulling me closer, and the next he was pushing me way only our lips staying in contact. Finally, he found it within him to take his lips from mine.

"Come over in a couple of hours?" His pupils nearly covered his onyx irises, and his breath was quick and hard. "If I don't answer, just come in."

"Okay." I couldn't keep my eyes from his lips and how they moved while he spoke. I wanted to taste his kiss so badly. "Kiss me again." I stated so confidently that I almost didn't recognize the voice as myself.

Jake stepped in to me again. This time his lips took control of the situation. The soft pillows that were his plump lips seized mine. He gave me what I wanted and a bit more as his tongue pressed passed my lips and stroked mine. I was surprised by how wanting and needy his kiss felt, but just as fast as it had started, it ended. I whined loudly as his lips parted mine, but he reassured me this was just the beginning.

"No whining." He whispered lightly onto my wet lips. "There's plenty more where that came from."

And there was. New Year's Eve was a blur of naked skin upon naked skin. The one thing I craved more than anything that night was his lips, and Jake fulfilled my wants by kissing nearly every inch of my skin. With a skillful tongue, he explored parts of me no one had yet explored. And with each exploration the intensity of my orgasms swelled.

As if I hadn't been pleased enough, Jake insisted on my pleasure first. It only seemed to arouse him further when my body would explode on his. His movements would become erratic, hard, and passionate. Mostly though, he was gentle and at ease with me, which appeased my heart more than anything in the world.

That New Year's celebration was one that I knew I would always remember. It was nothing like the ones we shared as we grew up. Our excitement did not revolve around counting down the last ten seconds of the year as the ball dropped in New York City. In its place were fervent kisses, long strokes, and loud screams of pleasure.

By two in the morning, our bodies were so exhausted they could no longer withstand the tiniest pricks of pleasure, so we lay nude on the hardwood floor of the living room talking about everything and nothing all at once.

Our laughs broke through the darkness of the night with sunbeams and sparkles. However, those laughs only lasted so long until reality hit us hard and fast.

"When do you leave again?" I wondered out loud.

"The third." Jacob responded glumly.

"Oh."

Questions began to strike me then. Questions that I probably should have asked before this whole sex thing started. What if he had a girlfriend? I didn't want to be that girl again. I couldn't be that girl to him, but with him being so far away, miscommunication was one thing I did not want to get in our way.

"Are you…" I rolled my eyes. "Do you have a girlfriend?" The nagginess and neediness of that question was so far out of my reality at the moment that I was embarrassed just to ask, but I had to know. This was not going to be like it was in high school. I wouldn't allow it.

"No." Jacob replied quickly. He stretched out onto his back and brought his arms up behind his head. "Are you dating anyone?"

"No. Not at all."

There was an opportunity, a wide open opportunity for me to make what we had something more than just friendship, but what friendship was I talking about? The friendship we used to share had all but disappeared when my heart fell into his hands. We were young. He was far away. I wouldn't mention my feelings. I wouldn't take the opportunity fate was handing me; the timing was all wrong.

"I just don't want to be that girl again." The night air took the words from my mouth before I realized I even said them aloud.

"You're not." He assured me with so much poise that those thoughts all but disintegrated.

The last few days of his trip mirrored New Year's Eve and the night before. What we couldn't say verbally, we expressed physically. While that physicality was great, I missed the old times. I missed the closeness. I missed the way we used to have no worries. I missed how there was no question about our futures. But, I suppose that's what growing up does.

Saying goodbye to Jacob was harder than I expected. I wanted to cry. Tears were on reserve, but I held them back for unknown reasons.

"I'll miss you." I murmured into his black t-shirt. Jake's arm was around my neck and his lips were on my forehead kissing it over and over again.

"I'll miss you too." His forehead met mine. Worry creases formed above his brow, but his eyes tried to tell me not to worry. "We discussed this. I won't be as busy this semester, and you know, we're someplace _good._ The internet can be our lifeline."

"I know. I know. But you're still going to be all the way over there. It's like a different world or something." My excuses were valid, but invalid. I suppose I was only trying to keep my hopes at bay. What if we didn't end up talking?

"Look at me." I lifted my face up, meeting his eyes with a graceful look. "There's nothing standing in our way. We'll do what we have to do. You're my best friend, Bells. Nothing's going to take that from me again."

"Okay." I understood what he was saying, and I could see that he meant it. Jake and I may have had a past filled with drama and hurt, but that did not define who we wanted to be to each other. We were always going to have each other. I understood that now.

"Okay." A soft, sensitive, crooked smile curved his lips upward.

"Flight 219 to Orlando is now boarding at gate 3B."

Jake looked back toward the security gate, then back to me.

"I gotta go." He bent forward as though he was about to kiss me in front of our family, but instead his nose met mine.

"Jake." I squeezed my eyes shut to keep from crying as he began to swipe his nose back and forth over mine.

"Miss you already." Jacob whispered just loud enough for me to hear. Standing back up, Jake waved his hand in the air at our parents and turned to go.

"Miss you already too." I mouthed as he walked through the security gates and off to his awaiting life in Florida.


	21. Destiny

**Disclaimer:**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/21909510923

**Author's Note: **I am so incredibly sorry for the span of time between the last update and this. My muse decided to leave without notice, then once it returned I had to seriously rethink some of the plot details. Anyway, here it is. Thank you for reading & sticking with me! Sorry if this is a bit bumpy, but I'm a little bit rusty!

"Happy Birthday!" I yelled at the built-in webcam on my laptop.

Jake's usually tanned cheeks were a bit more crimson than usual. Turning his head to the side, he tried not to smile, but his pearly white teeth were the brightest things in his dimly lit dorm room. The only light was a dim desk lamp that illuminated his face. As he turned back toward the screen, I noticed his ears were blood red.

"Thanks," he replied and laughed coyly.

In spite of my fears, Jake had been right. The internet became a lifeline between us. Usually we just instant messaged, but since it was Jake's birthday, we video chatted on Skype. I was more than elated to celebrate his actual date of birth and not some replacement date.

"Any big plans?"

"Not tonight. Probably something this weekend." Jacob sounded not as excited as I expected.

I wished I could be celebrating with him, but I couldn't. Not this year, at least. To take the attention off of the sadness I felt building in my heart, I changed the subject.

"How are classes going?"

"They're okay, but this history professor is busting my balls." Jacob groaned in annoyance. "It's like he thinks I'm stupid because I'm a football player or something." The corners of his lips dropped into a frown. Disgust covered his face as he reiterated the fact that he wasn't as dumb as most people perceived him to be. "I'm not dumb, Bells."

"I know you're not, and you're going to have to prove your professor wrong. I know you can." I tried to infuse the confidence I was used to seeing back into him.

"This shit's hard though, and he gives us so much work like we don't have other classes." It wasn't like Jake to complain about school work. Sure, he was a jock, but he was smart. He wasn't used being stereotyped, except by me, but I only did it in a joking fashion. "Enough of my whining." That perfect smile of his flashed brightly onto my screen again. "How are your classes?"

"Boring."

"Yeah?" Jake leaned back in his desk chair and placed his hands behind his head. "None of them are hard?"

Just as Jacob reached his arms up behind his head his shirt came up enough for me to see the little line of hair below his belly button. My eyes traveled down until the trail all but disappeared under the waistband of his black shorts. I blinked my eyes quickly, which seemingly took my attention away from his waistband. Hopefully he hadn't caught me staring – not that it would have been an awkward moment. It wasn't that. It was the idea of being caught staring at my best friend's "happy trail".

"No, not really. My biology class is pretty interesting though, but you know…" I laughed and forced my eyes away from the screen. The lines of my knuckles seemingly became the most interesting thing I had seen all evening. "I actually like biology. The professors all seem pretty cool too." My cheeks burned. Lifting one of my hands up, I touched the side of my face to try to cool myself back down.

"What biology are you taking? I have a bio class this semester too."

"Uhm. One seventeen, I think."

Once the embarrassment passed, I looked up just in enough time to see Jake lean forward in his chair again. This time he rested his arms on the desk. "Why is your face so red?"

"Oh, um," I flustered. "You know, just thoughts."

Suddenly I was parched, so I took a drink of water from the bottle sitting on my desk. Apparently, a hole had seemed to form in my chin and so a large drop of water rolled down my chin, dripping onto my white t-shirt. Jake followed the trail until it absorbed into the cotton. The wet spot it left was just above my right nipple. It was at that time that I realized I had already taken my bra off for the evening.

Jacob fixated on the wet circle just above my nipple. He licked his full, plump lips over just before a small airy laugh came through my speakers. As though Jake were trying to hide the smirk on his face, he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth; however, the grin escaped his bite, causing his teeth to drag along his bottom lip.

I couldn't deny the fact that I was turned on. I missed him. My body ached for him, and watching him become entranced with a small wet circle on my nipple only encouraged me more. So, I made a rather bold move. I reached my hand up to my breast and rubbed my thumb across my nipple instantly hardening it.

Greeting my ears right after was a loud, aggressive groan. Jake's forceful groan brought out a side of me that I had buried far in the back. Looking down to my hand on my breast, I pinched at my nipple with my thumb and forefinger. I didn't know what I was doing, but what I did know was that I liked it. Apparently, so did Jake.

"Bells," compellingly came out of his mouth.

I glanced up to see him resting back in his chair again. The happy trail that had captivated me earlier was still visible, but blocking most of the view was Jake's need for me. The site of him wanting me so badly only made my insides melt. Jacob lifted his hand and ran it down the length of himself. Immediately, I felt flushed, wet, and hot. My hands had a mind of their own. One dove down between my legs while the other stayed on the breast where the drop of water had landed. All the while, I intently watched Jake.

His hand dove under his black basketball shorts, but I could still see the up and down movements. Occasionally he would stop and lean closer to the screen. His eyes were black and full of lust.

"You're so sexy." He grunted. The muscles of his right arm flexed and relaxed as he stroked himself. "I want you so bad."

"Yeah?" I moaned. The heat building in my room made my skin sticky with sweat. Meticulously, I rubbed myself, imagining that it was Jake's tongue. "Oh. Jake."

"Does that feel good, baby?" Jacob whispered. The veins in his bicep were completely visible and nearly pulsated with seduction.

"Mmmhmm." I whimpered. My panties were soaked completely through. "I wish you were here."

"Me too." Jacob leaned back. His stare fell to the protrusion in his shorts.

While his right hand worked up and down, Jake brought his left hand to the waistband of his shorts. Looping his thumb there, he gradually dragged them down. His happy trail became gradually more visible. The muscular "V" of his hips increasingly narrowed. Jake continued to drive his shorts down lower until I could see the knuckle of his bent right thumb. Looking up at me through the webcam, Jake smirked slightly, and without hesitation, freed himself from the confines of his shorts. That seemed to be all the encouragement I needed to work myself until everything became blurry, and the world seemed to spin on its axis. My muscles contracted in on themselves; Jake's name fumbled off of my lips. Euphoria soared through my veins.

I was still shaking my chair as Jacob continued to stroke himself harder, faster, and more erratic. His jaw fell slack as he breathed out an almost silent moan. He drew in a sharp breath and closed his eyes.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

"Bella?" Marybelle called.

Slamming my laptop shot, I jerked my hand from my pants, grabbed a textbook next to me, and opened it quickly.

"Yeah." I answered as normally as I possibly could. I tried to concentrate on my textbook as though I was studying, but the muscles in my legs still twitched.

The squeaky hinges of my bedroom door doubled my anxiety. What if she knew what I had just done? Was there any way to tell? Did it smell like sex in here? I huffed in a nose full of air, but smelled nothing. Quickly, I ran my fingers through my hair, finding it to be matted and sweaty at the roots. Hopefully, I didn't look like I had just… done that. My cheeks still felt hot. I could still feel the flush burning on my neck. I prayed that Marybelle had no idea of what happened.

"You're going to the pharmacy tomorrow right?" she asked with a very throaty voice.

"Yeah. I have to pick up my birth control." I answered and spun around in my chair. Marybelle was a sight to be seen. Her nose was red and looked a bit chapped. Her eyes were glossy, and her skin was paler than usual. "Are you okay?"

"No." She brought a tissue up to her nose and wiped. "I have an upper respiratory infection. Do you think you can pick up my prescription tomorrow too?"

My cell phone vibrated on the nightstand. Marybelle looked over at it and then back to me. I shrugged my shoulders, but inside I was dieing to see what Jake had said. I was just too scared that the crotch of my pajama pants was wet too, so I refused to move.

"You gonna get that?" Marybelle coughed.

"No. I'm studying. It's probably just Jake anyway. I'll talk to him later." I lied.

"Oh, well, okay. Remember to pick up my antibiotics tomorrow. They shouldn't need me there since it's not a narcotic." With that said Marybelle shut my bedroom door.

Hurriedly, I jumped from my chair, grabbing my cell phone from the night stand. Sitting back down, I opened my laptop back up to see the video call between Jake and I had been dropped. My heart sank a little. I didn't want him to think that I freaked out or flaked on him. That idea rattled around in my brain as I checked my missed calls list. And indeed, Jake had been the one who called. Not that I expected anyone else.

**Sorry! Marybelle. **

I texted Jake as quickly as I could. I was sure that he was waiting by his phone or maybe divulging in some internet porn. Either way, I knew he'd answer his text message. The phone vibrated in my hands not too long after the message was sent. Looking at the caller ID first, I answered it as Jake's name blinked.

"Hello." I sunk into my chair and stared at the random objects on my desk.

"Hey." Jake spoke in a raspy, seductive voice. "I thought you backed out on me."

"No!" I exclaimed. "Didn't you hear Marybelle knocking?"

"Nah. I was…" His words stopped, and his breaths picked up. "Preocuppied."

"That could have been so bad." I whined. "But I liked it."

Jacob's laugh was deep and warm. "Me too."

Curiosity got the best of me. I had been so involved in my own pleasure that I had all but forgotten about him. "Did you… finish?"

"Oh yeah." Jake's voice whispered. "There was no turning back."

"I wish I could have helped." My tone matched his deep, throaty whispers.

"You did. I couldn't get you out of my head. I wish I was there. I'd show you exactly what I wanted to do to you." As he spoke, Jake's voice turned hard, needy, and full. I could feel the erotic moment beginning to bloom.

At first I wasn't sure why I had suddenly become so bold. It seemed so out of character for me. However, the more Jake accepted me, my advances, and my sexual appetite, the bolder I became. Having phone sex, webcam sex, and late night dirty instant messages woke up the sexual beast inside of me. Suddenly, I had confidence and strength. I saw myself in a different light, and I liked what I saw. Not that my self esteem before all of this happened was incredibly low; it wasn't. I didn't know who I was, what I wanted, or even what I liked.

I took on more responsibilities at work. I hung out with Angela in Seattle more often, and I visited Elaina less. My need to rely on her dwindled to nearly nothing, but I still needed to know that Elaina was there, willing to listen to my stories. While my visits to Elaina became less frequent, the amount of time I spent with her increased. Conversation was thick as I had more to tell her, more to dive into.

Summer was approaching, and I knew that Elaina would swim away to colder waters during those months. I worried about her. She would be alone in the great Pacific Ocean for months on end. What would she do to occupy her time? Where would she go? Would she try to meet other whales and form a make-shift family?

"Hi Elaina." I smiled and bent over sticking my hand into the early March water. Elaina lifted her flipper up enough until it met my fingers. I gripped onto it and shook. Elaina's flipper pulled away, and she dove under the dark waters. About ten foot away, she lifted her back fin out of the water and smacked it back down letting me know that she was ready to talk.

"What do you wanna talk about today?"

Elaina let out a deep hum.

"Jake's good. I just talked to him before I got here."

A spray of water came out of Elaina's mouth and hit my hands. I smiled, which wasn't like who I used to be. Usually, I would blush, because someone besides Jake and me knew what was going on between us, but not anymore. Elaina knew everything, and I liked being able to talk about it with her.

I rubbed the cold water off of my hands with the sleeves of my jacket. "It was amazing…as always."

Elaina hummed in her whale voice again. I imagined it was a way of expressing her disappointment in not meeting him yet. I hadn't even mentioned Elaina to Jake. We rarely just talked about daily life. When we did, it was something quick, something lame, or something sexual.

"No. I haven't told him about you, yet." I stated. "We don't talk as much as you think we would."

Elaina stared up at me through the water. Disappointment and sadness filled her almost human eye.

"I know, I know. Jake and I should talk. We should have conversations. We're supposed to be best friends, but right now… all we do is miss each other and have whatever kind of sex we can at the moment. Sometimes," I sighed, "all the sex makes me miss him even more."

Putting her head above the water, Elaina seemed to stare at me with a parent's eye. Her mouth opened and a high squeak came out.

"It's not that I don't like what we're doing. It's just that I almost wish that things were back to the way they used to be, ya know? I miss my Jake, the one who knew that I hated mashed potatoes and gravy together, or that my books have to be in alphabetical order. I'm sure he knows all of that still, but he's slipping away from me. I can feel it." My words were separated with sighs of distress. "We're not friends. We just fuck."

Sadness flowed through me like water through a pipe. My veins being the pipe, and my blood being the water. Jake and I were closer than we ever had been. I could be open with him about anything, but I wasn't. Same with him, he could tell me everything that happened to him, but he chose not to.

The situation was such a catch twenty-two. On one hand, I didn't want to give up the physical comfort. On the other, I didn't want to be so emotionally apart. He usually had no idea what exactly was happening in my life, and I usually had no idea about his. How had we gotten there?

I needed to sort it out and not just in my head. If I stayed in my head for too long, then I would over think, overstep, or overindulge. Ang was my usual go-to person. Weekly Angela and I met up in Seattle for coffee and whatever else we decided to do. Usually, it was shopping at the local bookstore or hitting up a few of the boutiques. This day, however, I had a feeling that Angela wanted to do nothing more than sit inside the coffee shop and talk.

"God, Bells! You are so lucky." Angela jealously spoke. "I'm like an old used up garden. No one wants to plant seeds here anymore."

I bit back a laugh. "Aw. Ang. I'm sorry. Things going downhill with Erick?"

"No. Nothing's moving at all. Completely stagnant." She sighed and took a sip of her coffee. Suddenly, she leaned forward and whispered, "And when I say nothing is moving. I mean _nothing_!"

"Really? Nothing?" I cocked my eyebrow at her, completely taken back by what she said.

Angela nodded and dropped her head to her hands. "We've been together for almost a year now. Everything's been fine. You know! I always tell you about it. But suddenly… it just stopped."

"Is he gay?" I blurted out without thinking.

"I don't know! I thought the same thing!"

"Well, what does he say?" I lifted my coffee to my lips to prevent another outburst of thought.

"It's just stress. But, I don't know, Bells." Angela turned toward the window of the coffee shop and watched the rain slide down the glass. A sad expression pooled on her face, and she sullenly turned to me. "Am I really that unattractive?"

"No! Do not think that. You're beautiful. You're sexy. It's Erick who is missing out. Do not let him get you down."

Angela's head bobbed in agreement, but I knew she wasn't really absorbing what I said. It hurt to see someone with so much potential and beauty not understand who she really was. That was when a wave of déjà vu hit me. It hadn't been too long ago when Angela had been there for me in this way. She tried her hardest to make me understand that I was more than what I thought.

"Maybe you just need time for yourself. Remember what you told me way back when? Don't let someone else define who you are. You decide that." As I talked, I reached across the table and placed my hand on her arm, demonstrating that I was there for her just like she had been there for me.

Angela stared down at the contact between us. "Thanks." She smiled a lopsided smile with a laugh. "My how the tables have turned!"

Before Angela left, we made rock solid plans for the following week and tentative plans for the summer. What I didn't know then was that summer would set my future in stone.

Maybe everything happened the way it did, because I let fate slip through my fingers. I declined my chance to talk, to resolve the issues inside my head, to better a friend. I was selfless, and that selfless act triggered about a thousand more. However, there would be times in my future when my heart would turn selfish. Those times were few and far between. And there wasn't one thing I would change.

Jake had been in Orlando for months. Our conversations were rare. Sex was an always. And I couldn't help myself to the deliciously sexy nature of my "best friend", if that's what you could call him.

Things had changed between us. Change, I normally saw as a good thing, but not this change. The connection we once had was distant and blurry. Something deep inside of me ached to be found, to be aroused once again. That something came in clearer when I actually talked to Jacob. There had to be something more. I could feel it. I could see it. I could taste it. And I was willing to hold onto the reigns and ride through the storm. First, though, I had to let him know how I felt. I had to express my need for our friendship again.

My decision was an odd decision, even for me. All this time I spent lusting and loving my best friend, and the time had come when I was tired of it being that way. For the life of me, I could not understand what exactly it was I wanted with Jake. I craved him completely. He was like that family heirloom that is always in your life, but you were never completely satisfied with where you put it.

When Jake and I were just friends, I wanted more. Now that I had him physically, I wanted him mentally. I wanted the old feel of him. I wanted to feel the connection within our souls again. There seemed only one way to fix it. I had to choose which was more important – sex or soul. Obviously, for me, Jake's soul was far more important. However, when Jake came home for Spring Break, temptation had the best of me. My body and mind fought. My heart had become the only loser.

The day he flew home I had pulled a double at the aquarium. We had gotten in a few new fish and fossils to put on display. So, work was a welcomed distraction as it kept me from watching the clock nonstop until he arrived. Our schedules had seemingly worked out perfectly. Just as I had gotten home and started up the stairs, Jake walked in.

"Hey Bells." Jake's voice was rough, lustful as he approached me from behind.

"Jake." I acknowledged him, but tried to keep my cool. Inside, I was exploding with excitement, lust, and need.

"Where's Charlie and Marybelle?"

"Away. On a trip." I replied, my train of thought completely interrupted by Jacob's next move.

Jacob snaked his arm around my waist and pulled me backward until my back hit his chest. His breath was fast and hot on my neck.

"Somewhere." I whimpered.

I tried to turn a bit to see his face. It seemed like it had been so long since I had witnessed his beauty. The countless amounts of Skype sessions really held no candle to his perfectly sculpted features in person. My heart was sputtering in my chest, and my groin was throbbing already.

I only caught a glimpse of him from the corner of my eye as his opposite hand grasped my chin and turned it away. But, from what I did see, he had grown far more handsome. Whatever boyish features he had before were now those of a man. His hair was longer, shaggier, thicker. I swallowed thickly and sighed. His soft lips gently kissed the side of my neck.

"You smell good." Jacob groaned into my neck. His fingertips caressed under my chin. "I missed the way you smell." His tongue slipped out and drew a swirling line to my jaw.

I couldn't comprehend what was happening, but I could feel it. Every last molecule in my body was exploding. My skin was hot and sweaty. My heart beat rapidly in my chest. My brain filled full of a hazy fog that I would never find my way out of.

Before my brain could catch up with the outside world, Jake was sitting on the steps with me on his lap. I was screaming out in ecstasy. His name fell from my lips with every breath. Jake's stare was locked on my face as it contorted and scrunched with every bump and grind of his hips to mine.

Needing more leverage, Jake reached out and held onto the stair banister. Holding on tight, he began lifting himself and roughly plunging inside of me until I was screaming into his neck. Ecstasy poured from Jake's lips as infallible moans and growls. His own world shattering orgasm not too far behind mine.

Our friendship or relationship, whatever you wanted to call it, mirrored his return for the first few days of Jake's Spring Break. We didn't talk. We didn't laugh. We made up for lost time with nothing more than sex. And while that sex was great, I was too far in over my head, too worried that I was losing him completely. The only solution would be to restrict what we had to friendship and only friendship. It would be easy, after all, he lived thousands of miles away. And so, three days into his trip home, I had him meet me on First Beach with every intention of breaking it off.

First Beach and any beach in La Push, really, had become so familiar to me what with all the work I did with my boss, Alex. The sand and salt were safe havens for me; I felt comfortable there. Sex would be out of the question as of the ample amounts of people who usually showed up unannounced. It was the perfect place for such an intimate talk.

The warm temperature but chilly wind had me dressed in shorts and a sweater. As I made my way down the beach, Jake's ever familiar figure stood midway to the water and the parking area. He stared out over the ocean. He, too, was dressed in a pair of shorts and a long sleeved shirt. I smirked at the likeness of our attire and continued toward him. With every inch I came closer, the more my heart and my soul started to battle it out; however, I knew what I wanted with Jake. Sex, like this, was not it. I missed his soul.

"Hey." I announced my presence when I was within a few feet of him. My feet kept me moving as he turned around with a bright smile. The new shagginess of hair had pieces of it moving in the wind. It made me miss the way his long hair used to blow behind him or how he would always pull it back to the base of his neck when the wind became too much.

"Hey." That smile of his was sparkling in the cloud covered sunlight. Jake stepped forward a few steps until he was just a few inches away. Reaching out, Jake looped his arm around my waist and pulled me toward him slowly. His eyes fixated on my lips, and I knew he was going to kiss me, which was a different gesture. I didn't think anything of it, but I didn't pull away either. I wasn't used to this side of Jacob – the side where he pulled me in for kisses on the beach, the side where he smiled so brightly that it made my toes tingle, or the side that had him softly rubbing his thumb in circles over the small of my back. If I didn't know any better, then I would have thought this was more for him. I knew better. I knew Jacob.

No matter what went on in my head, I leaned into his kiss, my hand cupping the side of his neck. Our lips worked softly against the others. Small zaps of electricity made my lips tingle, and my head buzz. Before I was too far in, I placed my palm against his chest. The beat of his heart pounded against my hand as I gently pushed him away. With one soft kiss left on my lips, Jacob tilted his head until his forehead met mine.

Eskimo kisses clouded my judgment, filling my brain with a fog so dense that I couldn't see past the set of onyx eyes staring down at me. The wind picked up cocooning us with warmth and harmony. Everything that I had wished to say to him disappeared. My own wants, my own needs were mere specks in the great scheme of things. The moments of our past determined our destiny, and trying to live those days over again would like trying to go back in time. What I once had with Jacob was gone, but there was something about the wind and the way it engulfed us as though it were a mother's loving embrace that yanked every thought from my brain and took it away. The only thought left in my brain was to share with Jacob one thing I had never shared before, Elaina.

"I want to show you something." I said, my voice steady and strong.

"Okay." Jake smirked, the corners of his mouth tilting in a way that made my stomach turn into knots.

Without a spoken word, I lead Jake to the jagged rocks where I usually found Elaina. His willingness to follow me, to see whatever it was that I had to show him, littered my heart with skipped beats. Maybe what I needed to do was show him my life instead of assuming he didn't want anything to do with it. Maybe Jake didn't know any better. Maybe being physical with someone was the only way he knew how to show his feelings.

"Follow my path." I stepped onto the large rocks methodically, my every move preplanned. "It's not the easiest path. These rocks can be slippery and sharp, but if you look at it once we get to the end, you'll see that it was the only true way to get here."

Jake kept silent. His attention focused on the intricate steps he had to take to make it to the end, but he survived with only a few scrapes and possible bruises. Once we were at the end of the rock jut, Jake spoke up. "What's out here?"

Just as he asked, a spray of water in a gasp of air brought a smile to my face. "That." I pointed toward the hundreds of tiny water drops falling from Elaina's exhale. Sticking my hand into the water, I shook it back and forth a few times to signal that I was there. Elaina flapped her tail against the cold, black water, and then disappeared for a few minutes as she swam to the rocks. As she approached, Elaina came closer to the surface of the water, her form visible from where we were standing.

"Hi Elaina." I bent down just as her nose surfaced the water again.

Jacob knelt next to me, watching as I petted Elaina's exposed nose and laughing when she sprayed water from her mouth. "Bells, that's a whale!" His statement was blatant and full of awe. His words preceded his thoughts.

"Elaina, this is Jake." I smiled down at her. Peace filled my heart as I looked to Jake to find the awestruck expression upon his face. "Jake, this is my friend, Elaina."

"Bells…" Unsure of what he should do, Jacob turned to me. So many questions filled his eyes, but mostly what I noticed was the stun on his face. "How? I mean… what?"

"You can talk to her. She talks back. Isn't that right, Elaina?"

Elaina called out into the air and smacked a flipper in the water. Her head and human-like eyes diverted to Jake's kneeling position, and a puff of air blew from her blow hole.

"Elaina and I became friends a while ago." Reaching down to Elaina's flipper, I pulled it to the surface of the water. The scars from the poachers who took her family appeared as white lines against her dark, rubber like skin. "Poachers killed her family, but she got away. Alex and I found her when she was pretty bad off, and we've nursed her back to life. But, Elaina wasn't the only one who needed someone. I needed her too. She helped my scars heal too."

For a few hours, Jake listened to Elaina and I. His questions open ended and full of curiosity. The words he spoke were careful and methodically thought out. To say he was in awe of all that had happened, of all that he didn't know was quite an understatement.

That day, something changed between Jake and me. We pushed past the hurt and the disregard. Friendship blossomed. A dead relationship revived. Happiness and cheer consumed our souls until we could no longer see straight.

Jacob was my best friend again, and I his. Our interests intermingled. His attention peaked on my abilities to care for such a large sea animal and how natural I was with Elaina. Jacob pushed Marine Biology as far as he could, bringing it up every chance he had.

It had been almost a year to the day when Jake mentioned a program at University of Florida. I had only visited Florida a handful of times in the passing year. Mostly, my visits consisted of the stadium and whatever else Jake decided to drag me along to see. I loved Florida. The constant heat on my skin, the dryness, and the moisture constantly clouding the air – it all was so different from Forks, Washington. Could I say yes? Could I agree to transferring across the country because my best friend, my true love, my soul mate wanted me to?

I had to think it over. Something that substantial, that important could not be agreed upon without thought, without talking to an outsider about it. Angela was the first person on my mind.

"So, he just asked you to move down there?" Angela sipped on her coffee, her hands cradling the warmth of the cup.

Glancing up from my text book, I nodded. The excitement in my stomach was well hidden as I pretended to study the life processes of cells. A smile brewed in the muscles of my face, but I restricted their movement by clenching my teeth together.

"Bella! Stop pretending to study! This is important. What are you gonna say? I mean does this mean you're together? Are you together? I mean I know you guys have been hooking up for over a year now, but is this the step you want to take? What does it all mean?" Angela rambled with questions that I had been asking myself for weeks.

"I don't know the answers myself," I said solemnly. "I'm afraid to ask him. You know what happened before. He's my best friend. Is that reason enough to go? Sex isn't."

"Would you move upstate for me?" Angela leaned forward as her question was asked.

I thought it over for a moment, but the answer was already clear in the back of my mind. I had been willing to move to New York with Embry. As his name entered my mind, my heart stung. I still missed him. From time to time, I wondered where he was and how art school was doing. I hadn't heard from him since the day we broke up.

"Yes." I cleared my throat and shook my head. The memories of Embry thick in my mind clouded my brain until tears filmed over my eyes. "I would move upstate with you, if you want me to."

"Then you should move to Florida with Jake. He _is _your best friend."

"What if my credits won't transfer?" Trying to find any logical reason to stay was my only way of not caving in completely.

"You'll be at a university, Bells! Who cares? You're what…. almost twenty-one?"

I nodded.

"You're still young! Retake whatever doesn't transfer." Angela was far more excited about the situation than I had expected.

"Why are you so for this?" Cocking my eyebrow, I questioned her.

"This is what you want. This is what's good for you. This is your destiny."

One word, a single, solitary word voided the questions running rampant in my mind: _destiny. _ Florida was my destiny; I could either take the bull by the metaphorical horns, or I could lay down and give up on life. Either way, I would end up in Florida.

"Florida, huh?" Relaxing the muscles of my face, my excitement was set free as a colorful smile upon my lips.

"Florida." Angela nodded, bringing her coffee cup to her smirking mouth.

A police cruiser swerving into the parking lot brought my attention to the window Angela and I had been seated by. Dad jumped from the driver's seat. Panic written across his face. His chest heaved as his breathing became labored. Dad saw me through the window and weaved a path directly to me, ignoring the greetings of the people he passed, which only brought a tightness to my chest. Something was wrong. Something bad had happened.

Worry creased covered Dad's forehead as he stopped at the table. "Bells." His face fell from worried to sadness.

"What, what is it, Dad?" I stood quickly.

"I just came from La Push."

My heart fell to my feet. The first person on my mind was Billy. "Is Billy okay?" I blurted.

"It's not Billy. It's… I shouldn't be telling you this, but I thought you'd like to know." Dad lifted his policeman's belt and sighed.

"What? Just tell me. What is it?" My brain soared through the names and faces of everyone I knew in La Push. A thousand different scenarios ran through my brain.

"I responded to a call from the Call residence." Dad rested his hands on my shoulders. "A reported suicide."


	22. Unsettled

**Disclaimer:**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Suggested Listening (in order): **Train – To Be Loved; Staind – Right Here; Framing Hanley – You.

**Author's Note: ** Thank you to everyone who still reads although I suck at updating (mostly due to my busy schedule). I hope you guys enjoy this. Pay close attention to just about everything. This chapter is very, very important and may clarify a lot.

**This chapter is dedicated to LuvinJ. Thank you so much. You have no idea how amazing you are and how much you really mean to me! 3**

* * *

"Hello?" Jacob answered just as I glanced toward the clock, which glowed a vibrant 3:19 AM.

"Uhm… hey." I paced the wooden floors of my bedroom completely unsure of how to break the news to him. "Were you sleeping?"

"Yeah, Bells. It's like 6 am here."

I had forgotten about the time difference, but who could worry about those tiny details when something this important needed to be said? My pacing picked up, and I chewed on the inner side of my bottom lip.

"Is something wrong?" He questioned when I seemed to not be able to say much of anything. Concern was sewn into his words, and his scruffy sleep filled voice rose as he asked again. "Bella, what's wrong?"

The worried steps I had been taking between my window and my desk stopped. For a moment the world stood still; this would be the only opportunity to tell Jacob about the horrible death on the reservation.

"There was a suicide on the reservation today." Those words blurted from my mouth as if they were about to poison me if they stayed inside any longer.

Hesitantly, Jacob chose his words carefully. "Who was it?"

"Embry's mom." I whispered.

Our conversation stopped. Airy breaths were the only sounds on the line between Florida and Washington. Jake must have been just as shocked as I was. Still, I could hardly believe the catastrophe that had happened.

"What happened?" Jake asked with a low, whisper of a voice.

"I-I-I don't know. I don't even know if Embry knows yet." That's when it all came crashing down on me, and my heart began to ache.

"Yeah." He took a deep breath. "Wow. I…don't know what to say." Emotion cracked the stone of a voice he usually had. Was he thinking about his mom, Sarah?

"Sorry. I just. I didn't know who else to call." I felt ashamed for calling Jacob so late, but he was my best friend.

"No, Bells. It's okay. I'm glad you called. Thank you." I could almost see the somber smile on his lips in my mind, but that was taken away by thoughts of Embry and what he must be going through at the moment.

I hoped he was okay.

"Have you talked to Embry?"

I blinked. I hadn't even thought of calling… "No."

Jacob sighed heavily. "Well, if you talk to him, let him know he can get in touch if he needs something."

Smiling at Jake's thoughtfulness, I nodded. "I will. But I'll let you go. I just wanted to…needed to talk to you."

"Anytime. I'm here anytime." A powerful, tired yawn echoed through the receiver.

"Get some sleep, Jake. I'll let you know as soon as I know something."

I wished he was here.

"Okay. Night Bells."

"Night Jake."

An awkward, thick, and emotion filled silent moment passed. My heart wanted me to say more than I was prepared to, and it felt as though Jake maybe felt the same. I started to open my mouth and move forward to that next step, but Jake interrupted me before I could.

"Talk to you later." He whispered.

"Bye Jake."

A day or so later, Jacob called to let me know that he would unfortunately not be able to make it for the funeral, but promised to make a trip in after the game on Saturday. I felt a little let down. I wouldn't have anyone around to be my rock, but I understood without chastising Jake. His responsibilities with the football team ranked higher at the moment. There was no way a team like that could play without their starting quarterback.

Droplets of rain stuck to the glass of my bedroom window. Little wet dots magnified the outside world, distorting my vision. Occasionally, a drop would merge with another, becoming larger, thicker, and heavier. Unable to withstand the forces of gravity any longer, the droplet of rain slid carelessly down the pane of glass, gathering the closest drops as it passed by and clearing a direct line of sight outside, yet I could still see nothing as the skies had opened up a torrential down pour for the past two days. With my knees pulled to my chest, I sat in front of the window waiting for news about the funeral plans – if there were going to be any at all.

Word had gotten around town pretty fast. Not many suicides happened in Forks or La Push. This had been the first in decades, or so that's what Dad had told me. All I knew was that there had been no suicides in the twenty-one years I was alive. In fact, the only tragic death I remember happening since my birth was that of Sarah Black.

It was ironic really. The only two unexpected deaths in twenty-one years were mothers with sons the same age. Their sons, however, were the only commonality between the two. Sarah had been a great mother, a productive member of society, and a loving soul. On the other hand, Embry's mom had so many issues, which only worsened with time. Still, she left behind a son to mourn her life, to deal with the aftermath of such a tragic event. That's when my heart began to ache again.

I wanted to contact Embry to express my condolences, to let him know he wasn't alone, but with everything that was left opened between the two of us, I worried I may make things worse. Lots of time had passed since Embry chose to push me toward Jake. While time did help heal the wounds of our break up, time did not close that chapter of my life. Always lingering in the back of my mind was the darkness in his heartbroken eyes as I left. Memories of Embry consistently repeated themselves when I was alone. I needed closure, but confronting that demon would have to wait.

No one heard from Embry. No one knew if he was in town. Even the town gossipers were clueless as to whether or not Embry flew back from New York or if he was simply going to say his goodbyes a million miles away. I knew Embry, the _real_ Embry, and I knew he would be coming home to support Grandma Call more than he would to celebrate the life of his mother. But, new places, new people – they change you. Had Em changed so much he would forego his own mother's funeral?

The sun had just begun to set behind the dark rain clouds. Darkness swirled in the wind lifting fallen leaves, un-recycled paper, and loose screen doors. From the quickness of the wind and the eerie echoes of debris, I figured the rest of the evening and well into the night would be stormy at best.

Embry became a constant ghost, haunting my thoughts. Where was he? What was he doing? Did he need someone? Did he have someone? The need to know, to help, to console overwhelmed any sense of privacy I had. A burning ache in my chest wanted to pull me in the direction of La Push. My body stood without consulting me, my heart, or my mind. Strength and determination steadied my footsteps as my feet carried me down the stairs to the front door, where they stopped. Heavy arms directed my hands to grab my raincoat from the coat rack next to the door. As I slid into the warmth of the jacket, I grabbed the keys from the table.

Mindlessly, I drove the curvy, wet roads to La Push. My heart beat heavy in my ears, and my eyes steadied on the road. For miles, I didn't seem to blink. Breaths shallowly entered my lungs as I passed the "Welcome to La Push" sign. Just a few miles past the welcome sign, I gripped the steering wheel and flicked on my turn signal. The gravel driveway crunched beneath my tires. My attention fixated on the small, weathered, dark house. Smoke billowed from the cobblestone chimney. A light glow illuminated what I recognized as the kitchen window. The glow was the only light coming from the house, and I couldn't stop the ball of nerves rumble in my stomach.

Pulling up next to a car I didn't recognize, I shut off the engine, but left my lights on. And so, I sat there staring at the yellow glow of my headlights against what was once the boy I loved's house, waiting to express my condolences of his loss years after our painful split.

I was insane. That was the only conclusion I came to.

Even with that thought on my mind, I seemingly turned the headlights off and steadily walked down the path to the front door that I hadn't knocked on in years and tapped my knuckles against the door. Thoughts poured through my mind then. I should have visited. I should have stayed in contact. I should have done so many things differently. I should have never walked away without a fight. I should have never called Jacob.

The cheap wood grain held my attention until the door knob jingled as it twisted. As I watched the door knob move, the door swung open slowly; my eyes followed the brass of the knob as it moved further from me.

Two bare feet stepped forward as the porch light flicked on, barely giving enough light to see. Inhaling deeply, I breathed in the sweetness floating from inside of the house to my place on the front porch. My eyes traveled up from the two bare feet to a pair of loose red shorts across the curves of his ever familiar chest to the grey eyes I had fallen in love with so many years ago. A smile worked at the corner of my lip, but the burning in my lungs and the tightness in my throat jerked it away. Embry's long arm reached out and slid up the inside frame of the door, his body curving down as he slumped forward. Simultaneously, his long, thick fingers slid through the shiny black locks of his hair.

Embry's sweetness rolled through my veins at speeds that didn't make sense. In fact, not much made sense any more. A low hum buzzed in my ears diverting my attention away from my own thoughts. Thinking was enemy territory. Had I thought through any of this, I wouldn't have been standing in front of Embry. I wouldn't have been stepping forward, sliding my palms around his sides. I wouldn't have been embracing him. I wouldn't have been pressing my cheek against his chest.

His heart beat faster as our skin touched for the first time in years. His breath hitched as my hands pushed up his back until I comfortably held him against me.

"I'm sorry. So sorry." I incoherently said against his tanned skin. My apology, as genuine as it could be, held so much meaning, so much heart that I couldn't stop the tears spilling from my eyes.

It was then that Embry pulled me closer to him. The arm that had been resting against the door frame fell heavily. His tall, slender body curved further in on itself until his head rested on my shoulder. Desperately, his arms tugged at me, bringing me forward even more until I was standing in the doorway with my chin resting on his shoulder. His chest heaved heavily. Embry began to sob. His cries muffled by the fabric of my wet rain coat. His broad shoulders shook against me as his hands grasped for anything on my body they could hold onto.

"Shh." I whispered, leaning my head against his. "It'll be okay." Lifting my hand, I brushed my fingers through his hair. "I promise."

Embry nodded against my shoulder. Sniffing back the sobs and sadness flowing through him, he lifted his head from my rain soaked jacket. A soft but heartfelt kiss was placed just above my ear before Embry's long body straightened out a bit until his arms neatly wrapped around my waist and his chin rested on the top of my head.

Either rain drops leaked through the roof of the porch, or Embry's tears had yet to stop. So, I stood motionless, allowing him as much time as he needed to fall apart and rebuild himself. I had loved Embry; he had been such a huge part of my life. There were times back when I was a teenager that I wouldn't have lasted without him. In return, I reciprocated everything he had done for me the night he found me on the floor of Jake's garage. I had been broken, bruised, and left with nothing. Maybe what he felt at this moment was a bit different, but he, too, needed that firm ground to stand on. I would be the earth below his feet and the motivation in his heart to continue to move forward.

Embry stood strong next to his mother's casket the following day. Exteriorly, he was like a carved marble statue, but inside was a different story. It seemed only I could see the broken pieces, the sadness, and the distance in his eyes, which were almost always looking in my direction.

Throughout most of the funeral, Embry was sturdy - his strength never faltered. His long, brawny frame stood rigidly until everyone had approached the casket and wished his mother a farewell. The moment the last person visibly climbed into their car, Embry's knees buckled. They splashed against the muddy ground as he fell. The color left his face. With a hanging head, his eyes stared up at the pine coffin holding his mother's remains. Disbelief trembled through him, and as his limbs quivered, a long, drawn-out cry ripped through him.

I sprinted toward Em the best I could in my heels. Mud and rain were the last things on my mind as I dropped to my knees. Cradling his head, I pulled it to my chest and swayed back and forth. My throat hummed a tune I was unfamiliar with, but I had heard it plenty when I was an ill child and at Jake's. Sarah would cradle me against her chest and hum a lullaby until my eyes drew heavy, and I was off in dreamland.

Embry and I sat that way for an hour or so. His cries seemed to never stop. We both shivered in the brisk wind and cold rain. Unable to withstand the brutal autumn weather any longer, I pulled Embry's head from my chest and stood. My hands reached out to his.

"Let's get you out of here to someplace warm," I said soothingly.

Embry took hold of my hand. His grip was tight and needy, which I welcomed; he held firmly onto my hand until we had walked the few minutes back to his house. As the endless amounts of cars parked in the driveway came to view and the chattering of people inside the one sanctuary he had left greeted our ears, Embry dropped my hand from his. The absence of his shivering hand stopped me a few steps away.

"I can't go in there." Embry mumbled. His body was again rigid.

"Okay." I replied hesitantly. "Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere, but here. Anywhere." His voice had become soft and shaky.

Glancing around for places to go, I noticed Marybelle and Dad's car parked near the back of the drive. "Stay here." I said. "I'll be right back, then we can head over to my house."

Embry shook his head "no". His leg bounced as he seemed to become more agitated by the second.

"No one is there." I closed the gap between us and placed my hand in his again. "I'll get you some warm, dry clothes, and make you some soup once we get to my house, but you have to promise to stay here. Don't run off. Promise?"

Embry barely acknowledged my statement, but a quiet "promise" leaked off of his lips into my ears.

"Okay. I'll be right back."

Fleeing into the house, I found Dad and Marybelle amongst the crowds of people sharing their fondest memories. I explained as quickly as I could to them the situation. Dad reluctantly agreed, and Marybelle happily tossed me the keys. Running to Embry's room, I gathered a pair of sweats, a hoody, and a t-shirt from his luggage on the floor before running back through the ample amounts of people and out the front door.

Em's stance hadn't changed. Although I hadn't been gone long, I still expected him to move or even venture toward the car. Yet, there he stood drenched in rain, shivering. I wasn't so sure the shivering was due to the cold, autumn air or the fact that he was absorbing the loss of his mother.

Cautiously, I gripped onto Embry's arm right above his elbow and tugged him in the direction of Dad's car. He snapped out of the trance he had been in and followed, shuffling his feet along the way. His quietness could not be interrupted – not with my lame tries at small talk during the drive and not with my sorrow filled apologies.

Was I over doing it? Apology after apology, I promised him things I knew I would never be able to guarantee. I hoped he understood I was only trying to help him, to save him, but I wasn't so sure I was doing a great job. All I knew to do was keep him within my line of sight to suffocate the worries winding through my brain.

Embry had such a kind, sensitive soul. His mother may not have been in her right mind, and she may have been a huge burden to him, but she was still his mother, the woman who had created him. And now she was gone. Really gone. Not just missing in action like my mother. It was a given that his reaction would be difficult and shocking for me to see, but I hadn't thought it to be this extreme.

My mind reeled on and on as I guided Embry from the car to the downstairs bathroom. I gathered a few thick, fluffy towels from the linen closet next to the shower and handed them to him. I reached around him to the shower knob and turned it to the hottest setting, knowing that the steam would warm the room quickly.

"Take a warm shower while I go make you something to eat." I instructed as I exited the bathroom. I waited by the door for a few moments just to make sure he wouldn't break down again, and when I was satisfied by the muffled shower sound, I headed to the kitchen.

From the cupboard, I found a can of chicken broth and mixed that with the leftover chicken breast and a stalk of celery. While the broth, celery, and chicken started to boil, I searched for the bag of egg noodles I picked up recently at the grocery store. Once found, I added the noodles and covered the pot, allowing the mixture to stew.

Impatiently, I propped myself against the counter and waited for Embry to exit the bathroom, but it seemed to be taking forever. The soup was just about done as it was just a simple recipe I had thrown together one night when Dad came down with the flu. Even still, my nervousness carried me to the bathroom door, and as I reached my fist up to knock, the door opened.

A soft set of gray eyes stared down at me. A hint of ease flared in the darkest depths of his stare making my heart race. Breaking eye contact was hard, but one more second of staring into the needy pools of his eyes would have me doing things that I knew I couldn't possibly finish. So, I looked away. Em stuffed his hands in the pockets of his hoody and side stepped around me.

"I think you need a hot shower too." His weak, but steady voice was soft and worrisome. "Get out of those wet clothes and into something warm."

"Sure, sure." I agreed. My cheeks blushed a bright shade of crimson and heat crept up my chilled neck. "Soup is on the stove. Make yourself at home."

By the time I showered, dressed, and returned to the kitchen, Embry was finishing up a bowl of soup. With the back of his hand, he wiped away some left over broth on his chin. A small, effortless smirk tweaked at his lips, but it fell as reality set in again. Dropping his attention to the empty bowl of chicken noodle soup, he stared into the green porcelain as if it were a crystal ball with answers to all of his questions.

I breathed a deep sigh and reached for the bowl. "Done?" I asked the obvious, but needed (at least I felt so) question.

"Yeah." Embry rested his forearms on the table, his back leaning forward.

While I fixed myself some soup in Em's empty bowl, I watched intently as he picked at the skin on the side of his thumbnail. That worry twitch was a new quality of his, and I noticed it right away.

"You'll make your nail bleed." I nodded and sat the bowl on the table. I took a seat next to him just as he dropped his hands, palm down, onto the table.

We hadn't conversed much in the past two days. Even the night before when I had visited him unannounced, all I seemed to do was console his cries and try to put back a few broken pieces of the Embry I once loved, but that would be a work in progress. Embry would need me for a while. I would have to remember that and allow him the time he needed, however long that would be.

Just as I sipped on some broth, Embry's palms pressed firmly against the table and he stood, almost like he was using the sturdiness of the wood to stand him on his own two feet. Two dark, distant eyes stared down at me for a few seconds, but then they darted off into some other thought, memory, or far-away land.

"I should go." Embry announced loudly, his voice booming in the small confines of the kitchen.

"You should stay," I stated in a calm, soothing voice, then proceeded to place my hand onto one of his. I tucked my fingers in the space between his thumb and his fingers and held on tightly. "It's okay. I want you to." I left out the fact that him staying was for my own peace of mind.

"You do?" Embry's voice rose in pitch and shock.

I nodded. "Sit. Talk or don't talk. Do whatever you need to do. I just… need to make sure you're okay."

Reluctantly, Embry agreed with a few quick shakes of his head. "I don't want to talk about what happened."

"You don't have to."

Embry sat, and his body, for the first time in the past twenty-four hours, relaxed. His posture slouched. His legs spread, and his hands rested carelessly wherever they fell.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." I smiled and slurped the last bit of soup into my mouth. "I don't know about you, but that soup was amazing. I'm a damned good cook." Leaning back, I rubbed my hand in circles over my belly and laughed.

"Amazing doesn't begin to describe it." Embry looked over to me, his eyes lighting up as I rubbed and patted my full stomach. A laugh erupted from him that was so loud it hurt my ears. "It's good to see you, Bells. So good."

Embry stayed over that night. His reasons left unknown as I didn't have the heart to tell him he should go back to his home and accept the death of his mother; however, I knew in time he would accept it in his own way.

As I spread out the blankets onto the couch and fluffed the pillow from the linen closet at the end of the hall, Embry stared outside. His thoughts, no doubt, riddled with memories of his mom and his childhood. At least, that was what I assumed.

"All done." I said and pointed toward the fluffy comforter spread across the couch, "That is my favorite comforter. It's so warm and cozy. You should be pretty comfortable tonight."

"Thanks Bells." Em jerked his head toward me and the couch. He smiled a dim smile while walking over to me. Tightly wrapped arms hugged me against his muscular chest. I closed my eyes and breathed in the sweetness that still aerated around him. Embry squeezed me extra tight and then looked down at his make-shift bed. "Looks incredible."

"You're welcome." I blushed. My cheeks burned, but I wasn't sure why I was embarrassed or blushing. I just knew that there were ample amounts of butterflies swarming in my stomach. "Anytime."

"I missed this." Embry brought his palm up to my crimson cheek and cupped it. His thumb brushed once, twice, three times.

"What?" My voice cracked in a shy whisper.

"The color of you cheeks. The way you blush at everything I say." Embry licked his lips just before the corner of his mouth turned up on one side.

My breath quickened. My heart stopped. My eyes closed.

_It was too much. He was too much._

I felt his forehead touch mine. His fingertips cradled the sides of my neck so lightly that my skin tingled.

"The way you made me feel." As Embry spoke those six words, his breath warmed my cold, quivering lips.

A millisecond later, the soft pillows of his lips pressed against my own. His kiss was needy and warm but wanting. The kiss didn't stop at one, but progressively picked up in passion as memories of our unsettled past soared through us. My body began to heat up, starting at my lips and spreading outward until I was covered in a sheen of sweat.

My clothes stuck to my sticky skin, and I wanted out of them. I wanted to feel the air try to dry the building sweat only to have Embry's hands rub it in. I wanted to feel the ache slowly build until I could no longer take it.

But most of all, in the pit of my stomach, was the greatest urge. It was the need, the must, the necessity to touch, to please, to feel Embry shatter beneath my hands, to ripple in pleasure, to feel what it was like to be loved. Because, in all reality, I still loved him very much. I would never stop. He had been and always would be my first love.

"Take your shirt off." I panted against Embry's smooth-as-silk lips.

Embry pulled his sweatshirt over his head quickly. As he tossed it into the chair across the room, he gripped the collar of his t-shirt at the back of the neck and yanked it over his head. I followed suit, removing my own shirt without asking. His wide, brawny hands gripped my hips. The tips of his fingers pressed into my skin roughly, and Embry jerked me forward. My feet scuffed against the floor. When I slammed against his chest, I placed my hand on the side of his neck and slid my fingers into his hair, clenching my fist. As my fist lightly tugged his hair, a low rumble rattled from his chest.

Suddenly, I was lying horizontally on the make-shift bed I had just made him. Embry passionately assaulted my lips. His sweet, bubble-gum tongue flirted with my tongue ever so slightly. The tips of them lightly touched just enough to send that needy but undeniable tingle throughout. I was aching and deprived. I was sailing through the clouds in an Embry-bubble.

My needy hand released Embry's hair and slid down his back. Digging my nails into his skin, I brought them up his back slowly. In their wake were pinkish-red scratch marks starting at the small of his back running all the way up to his neck. And as I reached down to do it again, Embry hissed against my lips, firmly palmed my hip, and jerked it up. My hot aching center slammed against him. The want he had for me passionately pulsated against my crotch.

Mountains of butterflies built in my stomach. Heat traveled up my stomach, across my untouched breasts, and to my neck, where it no doubt turned to bright red splotches. I felt like I was on fire. I felt like I would explode if I didn't find some kind of release. I needed Embry everywhere. I wanted to feel every last inch of him buried firmly inside of me. And so, the hand I had been scratching up his back fell around his side and slide beneath us. I reached the waist band of his sweats and dove underneath palming his thickness.

"Ung. God." He growled and kissed me so hard that I felt my teeth imprinting on my lips.

He thrust into my hand without hesitation. Embry's lack of reserve caused me to let go. I threw what little bit of inhibitions I had out the window and withdrew my hand.

"Takes these off." I whispered into his lips, kissing him softly as he pushed down his sweats.

I reached down and hooked my thumbs into the sides of my pants. Lifting my ass up slightly, I wriggled them down to my thighs. Embry grabbed them by the waist band and yanked them roughly down my legs. Just as they were falling off of the couch, Embry settled between my legs. He wrapped his arms neatly around my back until his palms rested on my shoulders. As he pushed me down with his palms, Embry forcefully pushed up into me. His fullness and thickness pulsated inside of me, leaving me wanting more.

Like he was reading my mind, Embry pulled out and plunged back into me harder. This time our bodies perfectly lined up and my clit grazed against him. I twisted my hips with a whimper.

"You like that?" His voice was coarse and sweet like honey covered gravel. Embry repeated the motion again, and I yelped as he pushed his weight against me perfectly putting pressure against my aching nub. "Shh." Embry planted his mouth firmly on mine. Just as his tongue dove into my mouth, Embry pulled and pushed into me again. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I pulled him even closer. My hips moved and twisted with his until I could feel that spark begin to ignite.

Our movements became hasty and fast. Our lips separated for sparse breaths. Teasing tongues tantalized our ecstasy filled veins. Strangled moans, whimpers, and growls traveled through the air in muffled and hushed tones. The couch beneath us crunched and squeaked as our bodies expertly moved together faster, harder, and swifter. Our hands were restricted in pleasure. Embry's fingers dug into my shoulders, and my nails dug deep into his sides. The faster our bodies collided, the hotter the fire burning inside me became until that fire could no longer be contained, and it exploded. My muscles squeezed onto Embry, restricting his drives into me. His name falling from my lips and landing onto his, but I didn't stop the ecstasy from continuing. I rode out every movement, every twitch until Embry screeched my name into my shoulder – his teeth burying into my flesh to keep from alarming the neighbors. Embry collapsed onto my heaving chest, his tanned skin slick with sweat.

For the moments I was still as high as the clouds, I ran my fingers along Embry's naked back, remembering every ripple, curve, and bump along the way. The lower I came down from the sugar high, the more awkward the moment became. This was supposed to be about closure, but suddenly had turned into so much more. What had I done?

I could feel myself shrinking in my own skin until there was almost nothing left of me. Who was I? How could I sleep with an ex-boyfriend when I knew all along that I was… sleeping with my best friend?

Somehow my relationships had become more about the physicality than the emotional aspect. I was using my body to express my feelings instead of speaking out. I felt horrible. I had always heard and read about how girls said they felt dirty after using their bodies to get the upper hand, so I waited. I waited to feel that disgusting feeling fall over me, but it never came.

Maybe I had my reasons for doing what I just did. Maybe those reasons were valid. Maybe this was all a part of my destiny?

"You still do that, huh?" Embry kissed the narrow spot between my breasts. His eyes stared up at me, and for once he seemed the slightest bit happy.

"Do what?" I scowled.

"Get lost in your head, probably over-thinking everything that just happened."

How could I have forgotten how well Embry knew me? "Yeah." I laughed. "I guess I do."

Embry pushed himself up, and while hovering above me, kissed my forehead so gently that a spiral of tingles flew through my veins. Sliding from me, he pushed back onto his knees, lifted mine, and sat down. Embry gently placed my legs over his knees, and covered himself with the comforter.

"You know, Bells," he pulled his eyebrows together and thought for a moment, "I don't know how to say this without it sounding bad, but just hear me out." His eyes darted toward me, and I nodded. "I've fantasized about what just happened between me and you a lot." Embry's usually tanned cheeks pinked up. "I've imagined you begging me to stay with you, to be with you again, and I've imagined myself turning you down over and over just to hurt you so that you could feel the way I felt when I lost you. But…I don't want that."

It suddenly became harder to breathe. Tears burned in the corners of my eyes. "Em, I'm sorry. I-I-I…"

"I know you are, and it's okay. I was a bit of a jackass back then. I made mistakes too – a lot of them actually." Embry chuckled. When my silence hit him, Embry turned his attention to me. My shocked expression, the tears tumbling down my cheeks, and the shaking of my bottom lip stopped his words. "Please don't cry, Bella. This is what is supposed to happen. We chose our paths years ago. I just want you to be happy. Are you happy?"

Happy. Was I happy? When I thought about the way things were compared to now, I could say I was happier with myself but not with the way my relationships had turned out - if you could even call what I had a relationship.

I shrugged. "I am, but I'm not."

"What do you mean?" Embry placed one of his hands on my shin and began to massage the muscle there.

"I'm happy with who I have become. I feel so different from whom I used to be, which is a good thing, but I don't know. There are just some things in my life that don't make me happy." I sighed. A weight lifted from my chest. Simply talking about my unhappiness eased the heaviness on my shoulders. "I feel like I'm always giving people what they want and somehow my hopes get screwed in the end."

"I think I know what you mean." Embry's head nodded in agreement. "It's like… sacrificing yourself for the happiness of others." As he spoke, Embry's hands stopped massaging my leg and his eyes dropped. "You have to look at the greater scheme of things, Bells. What's going to make you happier in the end? Is all of this misery worth it?"

"I'm not miserable." I disagreed. "I'm happy. I am. There are a few minor details that I'd change is all, and not talking to you ever again is one of them." I sat up and pulled myself closer to Embry's side. When his arm brushed against mine, I leaned my head against his shoulder. "I really have missed you."

Embry rested his cheek upon my head. "I've missed you too. I promise you that if you want me around, as a friend, I'll be here, but don't think I'm just going to sit back and take your unhappiness as a grain of salt. Your happiness is important to me, and I'll do whatever you need me to do to get you there. Got it?"

I smiled at his "as a friend" reference. The worry I held of him wanting more than that wasted away. "I definitely need you around. Thank you." Reaching down, I laced my fingers through his and squeezed Embry's hand tightly.

"Welcome."

Just as a welcomed, comfortable silence fell upon us, the headlights of a car shined through the front window. Confused at first, I turned a bit to take a look out to see who it might be, but then it dawned on me. I had driven Dad and Marybelle's car home. They were left stranded at the reservation until either someone brought them home or I went to pick them up. That was when panic sank in. I would be kicked out if they came home and found me and my ex-boyfriend naked on the couch we just had sex on. So, as fast as I could, I jumped from the couch and dressed in whatever clothes I could find. Underwear were not a priority. They just took up valuable time. So, I tucked them into the pocket of my pants. As I yanked my shirt over my head and Embry pulled on his underwear, the doorbell rang.

"Coming." I yelled and glanced over my shoulder toward Embry as I sprinted toward the front door. He pulled his sweats up just as I swung the door open.

And there he was as beautiful as ever. His long black hair pulled back at the base of his neck. A warm, glowing smile spread across his lips, and a glistening happiness flared in his eyes.

"Hey Bells." Jake said softly. My name coming from his lips sent chills down my spine. It had been so long since I had seen him in person; I was a mixed bag of emotions. My heart pounded deep in my chest. Its pace picking up the longer I looked into Jake's eyes.

"Hey Jake." I squealed. The building emotions detonated, and I felt a mirage of things at once: regret, love, lust, want, sadness, happiness, and fear. Trying to hide what was going on inside of me, I wrapped my arms around Jake's neck and hugged him tightly against me.

The beat of his heart pounded against my chest. Jacob buried his face in my neck and kissed softly. He inhaled through his nose and squeezed me tightly again. "You smell different."

"Uhm…what?" I tried to laugh it off, but I was barely able to hide the guilt flooding through my veins.

With a chuckle, Jake laughed and released his grip on me. His eyes drifted over my restless, sweaty hair, my inside-out t-shirt, and the flush on my cheeks. Jacob's brows pulled taut as Embry strutted from the living room, his hair a shaggy mess and without a shirt. A smirk splayed defiantly across his face. Jacob looked from me to Embry then from Embry to me.

"I'm gonna go find something to eat." Embry stated without stopping to inspect mine and Jacob's embrace. As he passed, he acknowledged Jake's presence. "Jake." He stated with a nod of his head.

Jake didn't respond to Embry, instead his glare fell to me and in his eyes I saw defeat and disbelief. He shook his head hesitantly and took a step backward. There were words resting on his lips as they fell open but nothing came out. A loud breath escaped him that seemed to have hurricane strength. With his exhale, something inside of me was blown apart. It was then that I felt dirty and wrong. I saw the ramifications of my actions right before my eyes.

"Bella." Jake spoke so brokenly. "Tell me that I'm wrong."

Stepping out onto the porch, I closed the door behind me.

"This can't be what it looks like. I mean, you wouldn't do that. You, of all people, wouldn't do that."

My thoughts and words failed me. How could I tell him about what had happened? I never imagined it would have affected him as much as it seemed to in the moment, but it was.

"Jake. I… I didn't think it would… I mean."

Jacob kept stepping back every time I took step forward. He became eerily close to the steps. The heels of his feet rested on nothing but air. Gripping onto the post next to him, Jacob stared at the porch, his breathing quickening with each passing second. I wanted desperately to know what was going on in his mind, what he was feeling, but I refused to step forward. The worry of him fleeing weighted heavily in the back of my mind.

"You didn't think it would what?" As he spoke the words spilled off of his trembling lips.

"I don't know." I sighed, my heart beating so fast that I was sure it was about to explode. "I wasn't thinking. He needed someone. He was so hurt, and I just…he needed me, Jake."

"I need you." Jacob whispered, his heart bared on his sleeve. He stepped down onto the step below. Drops of rain pelted his black t-shirt.

As he moved back, I moved forward. Hearing Jacob say that he needed me pushed the guilt further to the forefront of my emotions. My heart began to crack. That old familiar burn began to ache in my chest again. But, how could Jake's confession of need be so astounding? I knew he needed me, didn't I? Maybe it was hearing him say it that did me in. Whatever it was, it felt like my soul was being torn from my body.

"Jacob, please," I began to cry. "Let me explain."

"Explain what? That you fucked your ex while I across the country?" The lack of anger, the lack of yelling… it was weird and far more painful than his aggressiveness.

"No." I lied, but couldn't follow through. "Yes. I mean. It's not that simple."

"Yes, it is."

There was an explosion inside of me. My emotions went from one extreme to another. "Nothing is that simple, Jacob! How can you say that? You've been across the country doing God knows what with God knows who while I sit here and wait for you to realize what I really am to you!" I yelled.

Even anger couldn't provoke Jacob. He simple stood there on the step like a statue, stern and without expression. His chest moved slowly as he breathed in deeply and slowly.

"Why can't you just tell me what I am to you?" Tears trickled down my cheeks. "Do you even know? Am I anything besides the girl best friend? Am I anything at all to you?"

Jake's eyes darted up to mine with a hateful glare. "Am I anything to _you_?"

Before I could answer, Embry slung the front door open. It slammed shut behind him as he stepped onto the porch and in front of me. The muscles of his back were flexed and rigid, and I swear his shoulders seemed a bit broader than they were just minutes ago.

"Stop it." Embry growled.

"Stop what?" Jacob's voice suddenly filled with venom.

"Don't blame Bella for this." Embry walked a few paces forward.

"Then I guess this is your fault." I heard Jacob say and then two loud steps.

Walking around Embry's side, I watched as Jake glowered and strongly stood with his chest almost brushing against Embry's. Embry didn't back down, instead he pushed forward until he and Jake were almost nose to nose.

"Guess it is." Embry firmly stated. "What are you going to do about it?"

From the corner of his eye, Jake looked toward me. Hatred and anger flooded his stare, but I knew it had nothing to do with me. Resonating in Jake's eyes was a darkness. That darkness flat lined his emotions ceasing any evidence of his feelings to the outside world.

"Nothing." Jake passively answered and shrugged one of his shoulders. The level of calmness in his voice was astonishing, and I knew then just how numb he really was to everything. Jacob looked to me and while he spoke sadness flared in his eyes. "Bells, I…" He brought his hand to his mouth, running his fingers around the edges of his upper lip. Without acknowledging Embry, Jacob walked around him and stood in front of me. "Listen. I'm sorry that I wasn't clear about everything. That's my fault. Even still, this," his eyebrows rose with tension, "shouldn't have happened. You… I thought you understood."

"Understood?" I blinked. "What do you mean?"

Jacob did not respond. Turning around quickly, he walked passed Embry, and spoke over his shoulder. "Sorry about your mom."

And just like that I was left in the dark abyss that was my over thinking brain. I mulled over Jake's words trying to comprehend what they meant, but nothing made sense due to the pain beating in my chest. Breathing was almost impossible. Anxiety squeezed my lungs until I could only gasp for air. It was like I was being suffocated from the inside out.

Although I was going through all of these emotions, on the outside I kept it together. I stayed strong. I didn't break down. I didn't self destruct. Those days were over. It was simple really. There was a problem, and I needed a solution.

Embry didn't say much after Jake left. He pulled me in for a warm friendly hug, and walked me back in the house when I started shivering from the anxiousness roaring in my veins. I felt horrible for Embry having to go through this Jacob fiasco in the wake of his mother's death. How much could he handle?

"I'm sorry that you had to see all of that." I said as Embry tucked me into bed.

"No worries." He robotically said.

"Stop doing that. I know this bothers you. I know you're hurting. Can't you just show some sort of emotion?" I frustratedly said, regretting the words as soon as they left my lips.

"Look…if I let every single bad thing that's happened in my life bother me, I would have killed myself a long time ago. I'm used to it. I have this armor that can only be penetrated by certain things. You being upset and hurt is one of those things." Em explained softly. His tone gentle and fervent. "Get some sleep."

I sighed and looked toward the window. "How can I sleep with all of this going on?"

Sitting on the edge of the bed next to me, Embry lifted my chin so that my eyes met his. "You close your eyes and dream of a place that makes it all go away."

"What if there is no such thing?" I wondered aloud.

"There is. You just have to find it." Embry shrugged and leaned forward a bit. "Look, I'm sorry for how I acted, but like I said I don't like seeing you hurt or upset. I just lost my cool back there. I shouldn't have."

"Thanks for apologizing, but something along those lines would have happened eventually." Admitting the truth was like admitting defeat. The deal Jake and I had going on would have exploded at any moment. Embry just so happened to be the catalyst in it all. It wasn't directly his fault.

"Yeah." Embry nonchalantly rolled his shoulders back and stood. "I know you're going to worry yourself about this for days, so here's some advice. Let Jake cool off tonight. Go see him tomorrow. Don't make him come after you. I think he's proven that he would do anything for you already. Don't rub his face in it."

That was one of the last times I spoke to Embry. Our promises of being there for the other were still valid, but we also understood the more the other was around, the more problems that could arise. There would always be that underlying love deep in my heart for Embry, and I would never be able to say no. So, when I awoke the next morning to a letter on my pillow, I was less than surprised. He really was just like his father.

_Bells,_

_Thanks for everything. I'll miss you. I'm always here. Remember that._

_Love,_

_Embry_

Echoing in the back of my mind was the advice Embry had given me. I should pursue Jacob's forgiveness just as he had pursued mine in high school. I had made the mistakes, and it was my responsibility to earn forgiveness.

Nervously, I drove my tiny car toward La Push hoping and praying that Jake had gone home for the night to cool-off. If he went back to Florida, then I would be crushed. Plus, there was no way I could live with myself without flying across the country to beg him to forgive me.

As I drove, Jacob's voice reverberated in my ears. "I thought you understood…" What was there to understand? He and I had been sleeping together. We were best of friends. We were everything except exactly what I wanted. And what I wanted was a real, honest-to-God relationship. I wanted to tell him that I was in love with him. I wanted him to feel how I felt.

Why wasn't I enough?

Maybe he just didn't know. Maybe Jake didn't know that I loved him, that I needed him like a wife needs her husband. Maybe I should tell him.

Where would telling him that I was in love get me? I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to feel that pain in my chest that was radiating through my bones at this very moment. Why were things with Jake so capricious? Was it fear? Did fear have me by the throat? If so, what did I fear?

One fear I was sure of, and that was losing him. Losing Jacob from my life again would be detrimental to my heart and soul. I couldn't let that happen. Fate couldn't either, because there in the driveway of his little red house was his sleek black car.

It took no time at all for me to park, get out, and walk toward the weathered house. It took no thought. No question. I had to fix this. I had to make it right. I would do whatever I needed to do to keep Jacob in my life.

"Whatever it takes." I whispered to myself as I walked by the garage.

Just as I was approaching the garage door, an aged voice spoke. "Jake, son, you have got to get a grip on yourself. This is hurting you. It's on your mind too much. You think I haven't noticed that your head hasn't been one hundred percent on the game? You've got to let this go for now. Recruits are looking at you. They're studying how you do under pressure, and you're breaking." I quietly stopped and listened.

"Damnit, I know Dad!" Jake yelled in an irritated and knowing tone. "I fucking know alright. Knowing those recruits are watching my every fucking move is… it's hard. And now this?"

Was Jake talking about last night?

"Let it go for now. Worry about school and the game now. You can worry about your feelings later."

I swallowed thickly. The residual burning in my chest ceased as the beats of my heart did. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. All I could do was breathe. Was he… did he?

"Keep your head in the game, Jake. You have one more season before the draft, and then you can worry about love and all that other shit. Don't mess up your dream for some girl. Hear me?"

"Yeah, Dad, I hear you. Can I have some time alone now?" Jake pleaded.

"Sure thing. You're my son, Jake, and I just want to see your dreams come true." With that said, Billy's wheelchair squeaked. Panicked that he would see me and know I heard their conversation I ducked behind an old piece of rusted metal roofing and waited for Billy to roll into the house.

While waiting, I placed my hand on my chest and felt the beat of my heart. A smirk worked its way onto my lips, and I laughed an airy laugh. Assuming that they were talking about me was dangerous, but who else could they possibly be talking about? If there was no one else for them to be speaking of then that meant that I was more than just Jake's best friend.

He needed to know how I felt.

With far more confidence than I had coming into this, I walked into the garage without hesitation. Jake was bent under the hood of his old, rusted truck. The clicks of a wrench tightening a bolt chipped away at the silence filling the garage. I watched him admiringly, knowing that I had to find a way to tell him and earn his forgiveness.

"Hey." I quietly said as I walked toward the stool next to where Jake was working.

Pulling his arm free, Jake looked over his shoulder and watched as I sat on the stool next to the truck. "Hi." He said with a puzzled expression. "What are you doing here?"

"I _needed_ to see you." I whispered. Nervousness overtook my confidence.

"Okay." He flatly responded. "You saw me. Now you can go."

I flinched as a piece of my heart snapped. "I'm not going anywhere."

Jake snorted back his aggression and glared toward me. "Embry left, right?"

I nodded and looked away. "That wasn't about wanting to be with Embry."

"Then what was it?" Jake snapped. His nose twitched with a hint of anger.

"Closure." I cocked my eyebrow and pleaded with him. "I wouldn't have… I mean… If I had known…"

"Known about what?" Confusion splayed heavily on Jake's face.

Maybe I was wrong. My heart fell to my feet.

"Nothing." I whispered. "I just…Jake…this is so fucking hard."

"If you're worried that I'm never going to talk to you again, then you're wrong, alright?" Jake gently sat the wrench on the fender of the truck and stepped in front of me. "I didn't expect that last night, Bells. How many people do you think I've been with since you?"

"I don't know. I wasn't… it wasn't about that." I answered desperately.

"Answer me!" He declared loudly. His voice resonated off of the walls of the garage and stopped whatever thoughts were running rampant in my head.

"I told you last night that I didn't know who you were with or how many girls you've been with."

"None. I've been with none since we…since that Christmas. It's not like I've never had the chance either Bella, but you know the difference between you and me? I said no." Jacob's emotions filled his voice bringing forth the pain that I had inflicted. My heart gave way, and I could feel myself beginning to lose control.

"I wasn't thinking about you, Jake." I flinched at my own words. "I mean…"

A weight seemed to fall on Jake's shoulders, which pushed him to his knees. His head fell to my lap, and he wrapped his arms tightly around my shins.

"That came out wrong. None of this was about you. It was something that needed to be settled between me and Embry. There's nothing I can say to make it better, Jake. But I promise you that I'll never do it again. I'll never betray you. You're my best friend. Please let me make it up to you."

"I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you." Jake's voice was muffled by my legs.

Cradling his head, I lifted it so that I could slide off of the stool and stand on my knees in front of him. Pushing a few strands of his long hair away from his face, I pressed my forehead to his and brushed my nose against his.

"I promise you're not going to lose me. Tell me how to fix this."

Jake stared deeply into my eyes. The hurt and numbness filled him to the brim. He was so broken, so shattered that his pain was my pain.

"I don't know, Bells. I…we have to stop doing this to each other…it's gotta stop." Jacob wrapped his arms tightly around my midsection. His lips softly kissed mine.

"Stop what?" I whispered against his lips before passionately pressing my own to his again.

"This. I can't do this." Jacob pushed me away gently and stood up. His demeanor changed with the passing second. "That has to stop. And… I don't know." Jacob paced the dirt floor as I stood. "You need to go, Bella."

Tears pooled in my eyes. Had I really ruined all of this? "Why?"

"I just… I can't right now. I have…" Jacob stopped pacing as tears began to trickle down my cheeks. He strode toward me and wrapped me up in a hug so big that I could barely breathe. "Don't cry, okay? This isn't like it was before. Things are different. I'm not going anywhere. You just have to give me some time to digest this and while that happens, the sex, the kissing… all of it has to stop."

I nodded against his chest. Although I was hurting in a way that I had never hurt before, I agreed.


	23. Jacob: Part 1: Dream Catcher

**Disclaimer:**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Suggested Listening (in order):**Alexandre Desplat – Dreamcatcher; Staind – Right Here; The Fray – Hundred; The Fray - Vienna.

**Author's Note: ** I've decided to kinda go with the flow of the story and give you guys a solid chapter all about Jacob. This way I can add more moments of fun, happiness, best-friendness, and more. (haha) So, this chapter will be coming in parts just as the "Embry" chapter did. I could have posted this entire chapter when it was fully complete, but it would have been entirely too long for one sitting. Also, you guys would have to wait far longer than I want you to. Hope you guys enjoy.

**Part One: Dream Catcher**

The holidays following Embry's mom's death were difficult. All that had happened, all that I had heard between Billy and Jake, it made things complicated. Pretending as though I hadn't heard their exchange of words was difficult at best. I still questioned who they were talking about. My heart told me the girl they spoke of was, in fact, me, but my brain discounted that theory. Every second I thought about what happened had my heart beating fast in my chest.

Jacob missed Christmas at home due to playing in a bowl game. It came as no surprise, and so our holiday celebration happened on New Year's Eve. Dad, Marybelle, and I headed over to Billy's early in the evening. Dad used the excuse that Billy needed help frying the fish, and Marybelle promised Sue that she would share her world famous potato salad recipe. I was reluctant to go over any earlier than I had to for the sheer fact that it would be far more awkward than fun. However, Dad and Marybelle insisted that I go with them instead of driving on my own. To shut them up, I went.

The second we arrived my attention was focused on Jacob's whereabouts. We hadn't fully pulled into the driveway, and I was already on the hunt for him. Hopefully, he would not avoid me. If he did, I was sure that I would burst out in tears. Though who could really blame him if he did avoid the situation? I disgusted myself with my actions. Shame was my middle name. Sex with Embry was no way for closure, but it happened; I couldn't go back and change it. Although, I would if I could.

Exiting the car, I listened for noises around the garage, but nothing. My heart fell a little. I had hoped he would be in the garage working on his old truck. In the garage we could really talk; we could figure things out quickly instead of letting it eat away at who we were, which was one of my greatest fears.

I was fearful of the distance between Jake and me in the physical sense. When he was in Florida for the weeks following my night with Embry, we barely talked at all; however, the fact that our conversations were few and far between wasn't that different. During football season, Jake was pulled in so many directions at once that I was surprised he hadn't had a mental breakdown, but he was far stronger emotionally than I had expected and was able to balance out school, family, and football. I hoped it stayed that way.

Now, though, there were so many reasons for him to not need to talk to me. I accepted those reasons. I tried to accept that what I had done was so detrimental that Jacob may end everything with me. That thought alone had me scurrying into the house. I couldn't be without Jake.

Relief sprinted through my veins when I walked into the house and spotted Jake on the couch watching a football game and eating a bowl of popcorn. The Christmas tree next to him was partially decorated. A strand of popcorn garland dangled on the arm of the couch. I laughed and took my jacket it off.

"Are you eating the popcorn that's supposed to go on the tree?" I couldn't help the smile on my face grow brighter and bigger as Jake's attention turned to me.

A small smile crept onto his lips as he shoved a handful of popcorn in his mouth. He chuckled, looking toward the tree then back to me bashfully. "I guess so."

"Jacob! That popcorn is for the tree. Stop eating it!" Sue Clearwater yelled from the kitchen. "Hello Bella."

"Hi Sue." I greeted her.

"Would you help Jacob make the garland, please, before he eats all the popcorn?" Sue asked.

"Sure, sure."

Jacob laughed and rolled his eyes. As I sat next to him on the couch, he handed me the large bowl and grabbed the string that the popcorn was supposed to go on. "I swear, they think I'm twelve."

For an hour or so, Jake and I strung popcorn garland until our fingers were sore and tired. Every few pieces, Jake would steal a kernel and pop it into his mouth. He didn't say much. His usually brilliant smile was lost in the darkness of his eyes. I knew I was the culprit who had stolen his light, and I had every intention of doing what I needed to do to get it back. I was at Jacob's mercy rather he knew it or not.

Once the popcorn garland was strung on the tree, we ate a home cooked meal with Billy, Sue, Dad, and Marybelle, who all valiantly chatted while Jake and I sat picking at our food. With hopes of the friction going unnoticed, I stuck to myself and away from any conversation.

"So, Bella, what are your life plans?" Billy asked turning all attention toward me.

I cocked my eyebrow. "That's a loaded question, Billy." Shrugging, I laughed off the awkwardness of the conversation. "I've been thinking about getting my own place, actually. The aquarium pays enough for me to live alone."

"Sounds like a good idea." Dad said happily.

"That's a bad idea." Jacob intensely said. His words pushed past his firmly clenched teeth.

Confused at the others response, Jake and Dad looked at each other. "You think her living alone is a good idea?"

"I do. She's twenty-one. She has a job. She's responsible." Dad began listing his reasons. Jacob snarled at the responsible reason.

"If you think so, Charlie. You do know her better than I do now." Jacob remarked, his voice low and controlled. His anger suppressed to the tips of his shaking fingers. With that said, Jacob excused himself from the table. Everyone's eyes landed on me. I shrunk into my chair and stared intently at my plate until the ball of nervous tension rolled in my stomach. I stood up, grabbed both mine and Jakes plates, and headed for the sink.

"Alrighty then." Dad shook his head and cleared his throat. "So, Bill, caught any fish recently?"

Once I was finished cleaning our plates, I headed out in search of Jacob. When I didn't find him in his room or in front of the television, I grabbed my winter coat and headed for the garage.

The wooden garage door squeaked as I opened it. Light illuminated the snow covered ground, turning it a soft yellow. I had expected to see Jacob standing at the motor of his truck, tinkering with some part that needed fixing, but instead, he was leaned against the far wall of the garage staring at the ceiling. Quietly, I closed the door behind me and walked over to him.

"Hey." I breathily said.

Jake's lips tightened, and he acknowledged my presence by nodding his head.

"You okay?" My voice rose in pitch as I asked. Worry flooded my brain. Was I sure I wanted to know if he was or wasn't?

Biting into his lip, Jacob shook his head "no".

"Well, I'll go then. Let you have time alone." I sighed, not looking forward to spending New Year's Eve alone amongst my family. I made it half way to the door of the garage when Jake spoke up.

"Don't go, Bells."

"Then talk to me." I said as I turned around. "We've been here so many times before, Jake. I'm tired of getting hurt and hurting you. I just want us to be okay." The muscle of my heart seemed to burn with each word that fell off of my lips.

"You think I'm not tired of being here myself?" Jacob answered as he stepped toward me. "I'm tired of having to fight to keep you. I just want you here, no questions asked."

"That's a bit selfish. How can you expect me to be here without a guarantee?" A ball of butterflies began to flap their courageous wings.

"What kind of guarantee?" His eyes squinted as he looked down to me.

"You know what I want." I whispered afraid of saying it, afraid that he'd flee.

Jacob cupped my cheeks and lifted my chin so that I was forced to stare into his dark onyx eyes. A clutter of unknown emotions passed through his eyes. "I can't." Jake talked so softly as if he were afraid I would break into a million pieces.

I dropped my head as defeat flooded my soul. "Why can't you?"

"I just can't Bella." Jake exasperatedly said. "Can we stop? I don't want to spend New Year's Eve like this."

"I don't either." My heart was crushing with every beat that it took. Why did it have to be this way always?

"Then let's not let it." Jake bent down, pressed his nose gently against mind, and swiped it back and forth, Eskimo kissing away any sadness that floated in the air between us.

"Okay." I whispered. My lips grazed his as I spoke stopping Jacob's turning head the millisecond it happened. Taking deep breaths, Jacob closed his eyes and ran his tongue along the spot my lips had touched. Quickly releasing his hold on my face, he stepped back.

"Go back inside. I'll be in in a few." Jacob stepped back again and nodded with his head as he stuffed both of his hands deep into his pockets.

I didn't question him. I did as he asked and went back inside, where I sat alone watching the New York City celebration of the ball drop. My heart throbbed in my chest as though the tissue itself was dieing. How could I stop this? Did I have the strength to follow through?

Jake stayed in the garage for a while. It wasn't until almost midnight that he came back inside toting a small box. His demeanor was soft but hard, distant but present, and loving but hateful.

"Where is everyone?" he asked as he sat next to me.

"They're out back having a few beers and taking a look at your dad's gun collection. Pretty sure they were talking about shooting a gun into the air at midnight like a bunch of rednecks." I laughed and pulled my feet up next to me.

Jake looked over his shoulder and laughed coyly. "Well, here… this is for you." He tossed the small box that was wrapped in green tissue paper with a red ribbon tied tightly around it into my lap.

"I-I-I thought we weren't exchanging gifts." I blushed, ashamed I hadn't bought him anything.

"We're not. 'Sides you still being here is enough of a gift for me." Jacob smiled a crooked smile and glanced to the box. "Open it."

Tearing through the ribbon and green tissue paper quickly, I traced my hand over the cardboard box until I felt the edge of the lid. I yanked the lid off and sat the box on my legs. Wrapped in white tissue paper was an intricately made dreamcatcher. I picked it up and inspected all of the charms and beads dangling below it.

"It's supposed to catch bad dreams and only let the good ones in." Jake whispered leaning closer to me. His chin rested on my shoulder as he watched the dreamcatcher spin while it dangled between my fingers. "Mom put this in my crib when I was born. I've had it ever since."

I sighed as tears pooled and warmth spread through my veins. "Thank you, Jake. I know how much this means to you."

Turning my attention to Jake, I smiled at the happiness he was wearing proudly on his face. His eyes glistened and dropped to the pout of my lips. I took a few deep breaths and allowed myself to fall into his gaze, where I was encompassed by the warmest of blowing breezes. I was wrapped snuggly in the warm blowing wind. I was being pulled closer to Jake. As I leaned forward, Jacob turned his chin up until his lips were easily accessible. In the background, I could hear the countdown until the New Year began.

"10…9…8…"

"Here's to hoping things get better." I stated as he stared intently into my eyes.

"7…6…"

Jacob sat up straighter, closing a little bit of the space between our lips. "They will."

"5…4..."

Leaning in until my lips were mere millimeters away, I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut.

"3…2…1..."

"Happy New Year, Bells." Jake gently whispered against my lips before he touched them to his ever-so-lightly. His kiss infiltrated my very being. Through his lips I could feel every beat of his heart. And although our kiss lasted only seconds, it felt like a lifetime to me.

We had agreed to forego sex and kissing, but I couldn't deny the rightness of the way it happened. It was almost as though someone or something had told us that this kiss was the step we needed to take, that a small kiss would be okay, that it would help us understand what the other was going through. And I did. I felt Jacob's heart. I felt something passionate in him, something so loving, and so bright that he couldn't be without it. That's when I knew I had to hold on no matter what happened.

I hung the dreamcatcher Jacob gave me as a Christmas gift from my headboard. There was something appeasing about the dreamcatcher that soothed me to sleep every night, greeting me with the strangest of dreams.

I was floating on a puffy white cloud. The sky was a bright sunny blue. The orange sun covered my skin with warmth as I lay with my arms tucked behind my head watching the clouds above me. I wandered if there were other people on the clouds above me. Were they floating in midair instilled with cheer and bliss too? There was no true way to know as my ears were filled with the sweetest of sounds: the laugh of an infant, the pitter patter of baby feet, and the airy whispers of a flute. Soft chimes blended with the pulled strings of an acoustic guitar. I closed my eyes to allow the music to overtake my body and soul. As the soft melody rang soothingly in my ears, the vibrations rippled over my skin.

"Bella." A soft angelic voice gently spoke my name.

My eyelids blinked a thousand times while opening, but all I could see was the blur of the bright blue sky. So, I closed my eyes again, and allowed the music to wash over me once more.

"Isabella." A woman called my name, her voice the softest and kindest I ever heard, but oh-so-familiar.

A warm gust of wind blew across only my face. With wide eyes, I sat up expecting to see someone standing on the cloud above, peeking over to speak to me, but there was no one. Nothing but clouds and blue sky could be seen for as far as the eye could see. Another warm blowing wind blew against my face. This time it pushed the strands of my hair back and burned my eyes. Blinking a few times to rewet my dried eyes, my vision blurred, and as it focused, in front of me floated a Native American woman. Her long tendrils of black hair spiraled over her shoulders. A ring of light outlined her floating body, causing her russet skin to glisten in the sun.

"Hi Bella." The angelic woman spoke with a bright sunny smile.

Her voice sounded so familiar, so warm, so home-like. And there was something about her that reminded me of someone, someone close to me, but my brain was foggy.

"You may not remember me, but I was sent to help you."

"Help me? How?" I asked trying to focus in on the face of what I believed was an angel.

The angelic lady responded with a smile and as she smiled, a warm gust of wind blew across my face. "In those moments of question, when you don't know which way to turn, know that I'll be there to guide you to your destiny, Isabella."

"How will I know?" I questioned.

"The same way you felt me here. The same way my son knows that I'm there with him." This guiding angel floated closer, her features sharpening until they were clear and crisp. Her broad nose, full lips, long black hair, and intoxicating smile flooded me with images. Those images were of a little boy with the same long hair, full lips, broad nose, but it was the smile that lit up the room and the warmth behind it that formed the perfect image of Jacob.

"I will be the wind that pushes you forward, and the breeze that guides you through."

I gasped, realizing just who the angel had been, and sat up stiffly in my bed, covered in drops of sweat. My breathing was labored. To be in my own bed was disorienting and confusing. The clouds were relaxing and took me away to another world where the triumphs of life did not exist. Those perfectly perfect clouds were just a dream, but the angelic image of Sarah Black seemed too real to be nothing. Her words vibrated deep in my heart. I would remember them always.

Glancing down, I tugged the rustled sheets from between my legs. I climbed out of bed and immediately pulled the nearly soaking wet camisole off. There was one thing I hated almost more than I hated cold, wet things, and that was the unpredictable late spring weather in Forks. Nights were cold and breezy. Days were hot and sticky. Not that I minded the heat; it was simply the unpredictable nature of it all.

I made my way to the closet and pulled out a University of Florida t-shirt. Like a robot, I put the t-shirt on and began my daily rituals. Walking over to my desk, I flipped open my laptop and connected to Skype. While I waited on Jake to sign on, I moseyed to my dresser where I kept my toiletries like my brush, birth control, and deodorant. I quickly brushed my hair, and rubbed some deodorant under my arms. It was the next step that seemed useless.

Picking up my pink container of birth control pills, I scrunched my face. The tips of my fingers tapped against the plastic container. Why was I even taking birth control anymore? Sex with anyone was out of the picture. Embry had been the last guy I was with intimately. That was almost seven months ago.

Jake insisted the sex between us stop, and in fear of losing him, I agreed. However, my body still craved his. I barely had enough strength to talk to him over the phone or Skype without responding to him physically. It was incredibly hard to not be with Jacob, but the lack of sex seemed to bring us closer.

The level of emotional intimacy Jake and I experienced the New Year's Eve after I slept with Embry planted this seed in my heart. I wasn't sure what it was or where it came from, but I knew that someday he would see what I always knew. We were made for each other. And no amount of sexual frustration could take Jacob away from me. He needed time. He needed to concentrate on the game. He needed to worry about being drafted into the NFL more than he needed to worry about me and who I was sleeping with.

The black trashcan sitting next to my desk almost glowed. My eyes shifted between the container of pills and the trash. Should I? Shouldn't I? I knew my strength. I could always go back on them. But what if I wanted to sleep with… No. I wasn't going to have sex with anyone. Jacob was it for me. I knew deep in my heart that I was it for him too. He just needed to realize it. Was I just supposed to wait for that to happen though?

I sighed. I needed someone to tell me what to do.

Skype started to ring. The shower started. Marybelle turned on the radio as Dad bounced down the steps in his heavy work boots. A gust of warm wind blew across my face, and I knew.

"I don't need these." I said aloud and tossed them into the trash as I answered the Skype call from Jacob.

"Hey Jake." I smiled, sitting down in the desk chair.

"Hey." Jacob nodded.

Although six months had passed since that night, there was still something off about Jacob. His eyes weren't as bright and his smile seemed jaded. His happiness no longer glowed around him, instead Jake was a dimly lit robot. The only time I ever saw a glimpse of the Jake I used to know was when he got lost in our conversations, which were still happening weekly.

Our conversations had stopped for a short time the weeks following the holidays. Everything had become an unsettled mess. And I never gave up on him. I never would.

"Finals coming up?" I politely asked, already knowing the answer to the question, but dying to keep the conversation. If I kept Jake talking, then maybe he'd get lost in conversation and forget about his pain for a while.

"Yeah." He answered. "They shouldn't be bad. How about yours?"

"Pretty tough. All of these upper level biology courses are so hard, but I love them." I smiled and watched Jake's reaction, but there wasn't much.

His eyebrows lifted, and he stared at his hands resting on the desk. "I'm sure you'll do fine."

There was one thing I had noticed about our Skype conversations and that was how Jake always seemed to avoid any type of eye contact with me. Eye contact over webcams may sound difficult, but even the illusion of it was worth more than the seconds it lasted. Maybe New Year's Eve had something to do with it. Maybe the connection between us hurt him?

I shook my head in agreement. "Still have a lot of studying to do though."

"Me too." Jacob tapped the desk with his fingers. With a cautious glance, he looked up and sunk back into his chair with closed eyes. "So when are Charlie and Marybelle finally going to tie the knot? They've been engaged for a while."

I shrugged then realized that he couldn't see me. "I'm not sure. She's been wedding dress shopping for months now. I guess as soon as she finds the dress. You know how she is."

"Yeah." Jake replied softly. He opened his eyes slowly. "Make sure you let me know when it is. I wouldn't miss your dad in a penguin suit for anything."

"I will." A part of me wished he would smile for a second just so I knew that he was still in there somewhere. "You okay?"

"Bells." Jacob rolled his eyes. "I'm fine." He spoke shortly. His words articulated and pointed.

"Okay. Just… just making sure." I sheepishly looked down. My cheeks became hot and red as I thought about how I could fix all of this. Just as I looked to the screen again, Jacob's lip shook and his eyes fell.

"Have you talked to him?"

"No." I whispered. "Why do you always have to ask that?"

"You know why." Jake retorted spitefully.

"Do you do that just to make me feel bad?" I asked calmly.

"No. I don't. I don't want you to feel bad, but I… I just have to know." Jacob folded his arms on the desk and rested his chin on his hands. "I don't mean to make you feel bad."

I nodded as tears brimmed my lower lids. "You don't always have to remind me of what happened, ya know. I remember perfectly."

"I do too." Jake's voice cracked. With closed eyes, he exhaled and spoke again. "It would be easier if you were here."

"Keeping an eye on me won't help anything." Tears slipped from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. Sadness flooded my voice. "Tell me what I need to do, Jake. I'll do anything to gain your trust back. I'll be whoever you need me to be. I'll do whatever you need me to do. Just tell me what to do, because I'm lost."

Without hesitation or a second thought, Jacob answered with a powerfully strong voice. "Don't go anywhere."

"I'm not. I never will. I promise you. I will always be here, Jake. Always." I said as a warm blowing wind lightly crossed my face.

I watched Jacob on the screen of my laptop. His cheeks were a bright crimson red. He held his breath, and squeezed his eyes shut. As though he were giving up, Jacob's head fell to his folded arms. His chest heaved with deep breaths just as a gust of wind blew the long strands of his black hair across his russet skin. With ease, Jacob sat up. His onyx colored eyes pierced mine for more than just a few seconds. This time he held our stare for what felt like forever.

Jacob swallowed thickly. "I gotta go, Bells."

"Talk to you soon, Jake."

Jake and I didn't talk much during finals. Both of us were busy as we were in our last semester of our junior year of college. There was no use in messing things up with school just because we were going through emotional turmoil. So, we gave ourselves time apart, time to heal, and time to gather our brains long enough to pass the finals we needed to and skate by on the classes that weren't as important. Our weekly conversations picked up over the summer.

Jacob stayed in Florida during summer for extra football practice. Since he was going to be a senior, the coming season was extra important for him. NFL recruits would be watching him with a hawk's eye. During the time Jake was in Florida training, I spent extra hours at the aquarium, working side-by-side with the head marine biologist.

"You'll be getting your bachelors in biology soon, won't you?" Alex asked as we prepared the next few days worth of food for the marine life.

"Two semesters, and I'll officially be a college graduate." I proudly answered with a smile on my face. I tossed a few vitamin-filled fish in the bucket next to the chopping block.

"What are your plans after college? You sticking around here?" Alex headed to the freezer and grabbed a few bags of shrimp to defrost. He tossed them in the sink.

"I was planning to move somewhere I've never been. Kinda start over. Maybe teach a few biology classes at an aquarium somewhere."

"Well, if that doesn't work out, there's always a position here for you." Alex grabbed a couple of fish filled buckets and nodded. "Better take these out and get started with lunch."

A few hours later, I drove home impatiently waiting the next day. After a warm bath and what felt like a day's worth of television, I finally made it to bed. Sleep that night was the same as the nights prior. I was floating on the same clouds in the same blue sky and warmed by the same bright sun. A warming peace floated through my veins as a melody played softly in my ears. Instead of waking covered in sweat with the thoughts of Sarah Black being my guardian angel, I awoke to the blaring alarm telling me that I had around forty-five minutes to get dressed and leave for the airport. Those minutes passed like days, but soon I found myself pulling into the parking space at the airport. My nerves were erratic at best.

Jacob's first game of his senior year was just a day away. My attendance was crucial – well in my heart my need to be there was greater now. The distance between Washington and Florida was one of the main reasons it took so much longer for us to work out our issues. Jake and I rarely talked especially during football months, and with him being in Florida the entire summer, our relationship was being brutally penalized. However, we were moving forward as much as we possibly could.

I couldn't stop thinking that if Jake and I were in the same city, state even, then we would have been passed this months ago. Aftershocks would be the only danger to our not-acknowledged-relationship, because let's face it that was exactly what we had.

I was completely and irrevocably in love with Jake. I would stop at nothing until I had earned the righteous place next to him. He loved me. I knew it in the depths of my soul. He just had to see it. A part of me wondered what it would take for him to admit that he loved me. Would I have to be on my death bed?

Butterflies materialized in my stomach. Warm air passed over my face. Whatever unease there was deep inside of me about the relationship I had with Jacob faded away until all I could feel was love and hope.


	24. Jacob: Part 2: Sunshine & Rain

**Disclaimer:**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Author's Note: ** Sorry for the delay everyone! Time got a little away from me with this part; I didn't expect it to be this long, but I'm very satisfied with it. As I have mentioned, we're getting closer and closer to the end of the story. I hope you all are still enjoying and trying to figure out all that is left unfinished. We have approximately 3 more parts of this chapter, the very last chapter, and an epilogue. So, we're definitely in the home stretch. Anyway, I hope you guys fall in love with this part just as easily as I did while writing it.

**Suggested Listening: **Colbie Caillat – Make It Rain; Usher – Mars Vs. Venus; The Maine – Saving Grace; Staind – Right Here; Howard Shore – Jacob's Theme.

My plane landed in Florida late in the afternoon. I soon realized that I would be nothing but miserable in the inevitable sticky humidity, but trekked on toward the University of Florida. Over the few years Jake attended U of F, I visited a handful of times and so I hoped that I would remember where his apartment off campus was. If not, I had my cell phone and could call him if I needed, which would spoil my plans to surprise him. Either way, I hailed a cab, gave the driver Jacob's apartment complex name, and sat impatiently in the back.

The air conditioner cooled my overheated pale skin. As I sat in the backseat on the half hour drive to Jake's, I thought about absolutely everything. I thought about needing to go out and be on my own at home. I thought about Embry and what he must be doing. I thought about Angela and how she, too, would be graduating college soon. I thought about our friendship and where it started. I thought about all that she had done for me and all that I had done for her. Lastly, I thought about Jake. I thought about the hurt in our past and the never-ending battle we always seemed to face. There had to be something more than friendship for Jacob to stick around through the pain.

All that I wanted for Jake was happiness and love, and I knew there was no one who could make him happier or love him better than I could. I just hoped he could see that was all I had been trying to do along the way - not exactly counting those moments of weakness with Embry.

"This look to be the right place?" The red-haired well-put-together cabdriver asked as we pulled into what looked like a community of apartment buildings.

It had been so long since I had visited Jacob, but the place looked familiar. Going with the feeling in the pit of my stomach, I nodded my head. "Yeah. Could you take me to building twenty-three?"

The cabdriver grumbled under his breath as though I couldn't hear and winded the car in and out of what looked to be the smallest street known to man. I held my breath as he weaved the cab next to other cars, almost side swiping those parked. Watching through the windshield settled the sickness building in my stomach. So, I kept my eyes to the front. At least I wouldn't know if I was about to die that way. A few feet ahead of us, I spied what looked to be the number twenty-three on the side of a white apartment building. And it just so happened that a freshly showered Jacob had just bounced down the entrance steps.

I gasped and the cabby slammed on his breaks, whipping my head forward then back again as the car came to a halt. "If you're gonna be sick, then do it out there." He thumbed toward the sidewalk.

"I'm not going to be sick. I can walk from here though." I shuffled through my things to find my wallet. Pulling a fifty out, I handed it to the disgruntled driver. "Keep the change."

By the time I had gathered my bag and exited the cab, Jake was unlocking his car doors. Afraid that he would leave by the time I reached him, I yelled his name.

"Jake!"

With a quick turn of his head, Jacob stared in my direction. His mouth agape. A pair of black aviator sunglasses shielded his eyes, where his smiles usually sparked. Jacob glanced in the other direction, then back to me almost in disbelief that I was actually there. Sheepishly, I stopped and waved. The biggest and brightest of smiles quickly appeared on Jake's face, causing one to spread across my lips as well.

"Bella!" Jacob yelled, surprise evident in his deep voice. He hopped up onto the side walk and stood for a moment. I imagined behind his sunglasses he was blinking his eyes just to make sure I wasn't some illusion. When he finally realized that I was, in fact, real, Jacob sprinted in my direction.

I dropped my bag in anticipation. My heart raced and my palms became sticky with sweat. I licked my lips, took a deep breath, and jumped just as he reached me. Without second thought, Jacob caught me in mid air, his arms wrapping tightly around my waist. I could feel the heavy thumping in his chest as I held onto his shoulders and squeezed.

A warm engulfing wind encircled the two of us. The pace of my heart picked up. Anxiousness restricted my lungs, and happiness filled my veins. Just being here, in this moment, spoke for so many things. We were no longer just best friends, maybe a little more.

"You're here. You're really here." Jacob sat me on my feet, but held tightly onto my waist.

"I'm here." I smiled, allowing him to absorb whatever it was he needed to absorb in the moment. I wasn't going to try to read him or push him. I would let him be, let him see the things he needed to see.

"For how long?" He rested his head against mine.

"Not long enough." I breathed, but reluctantly answered him correctly. "A few days."

The left side of Jake's mouth turned up into a smirk. "I can't believe you're here. I mean, how did I not figure this out?"

"I can't see you with these things on." Unsatisfied by being unable to see his eyes, I carefully pulled his sunglasses from his face, placed them on my face, gave Jacob a flirty smirk, and then pushed them up onto my head as a makeshift hair band.

Jacob chuckled lightly. He pushed back a stray piece of hair, his finger tips looping in the rest of my locks, and kissed my forehead lightly. "You're so cute, Bells."

I looked up to Jacob, and the darkness, the sadness that used to be in his eyes was almost gone. I could feel him opening up to me. The simple element of surprise had forced some sort of forgiveness. His wonder and all that he was wrapped tightly around me like a cocoon surrounding a caterpillar. Someday, Jake and I would transform into a beautiful butterfly. I would have to be patient and be a strong, independent woman until then.

Jacob's strong arms released me, and he grabbed my bag from the hot cement sidewalk below our feet. "C'mon." He jerked his head toward his apartment building. Jacob's thick fingers spread as he reached his arm out to me, his hand almost grabbing at my own.

Without hesitation, I placed my fingers in the spaces between his; they seemingly fit perfect. The bony structures of his hands were the total opposite of mine, so when his hand held mine it was as though they were a single formation at one point in time.

Hand-in-hand, Jacob led me up the gray steps of his apartment complex to apartment 12B. After unlocking the door, he let go of my hand and stepped aside. "After you." His face was still covered in the brightest of smiles.

"Thanks." I mirrored his happiness. Walking into the air-conditioned apartment, I looked around at the sleekness and modernity of the décor. There was a large black flat screen television in the corner of the living room surrounded by leather furniture. Any other decor besides furniture and electronics was minimal. I hadn't remembered his apartment being this nice. "Do you still live alone?"

"Nah." Jacob shut the door and locked it behind him. "I have a roommate now."

"Oh cool." I nodded still taking in the look of his place.

"Most of this stuff is mine though."

I turned back and smiled at him. "I can tell." I laughed silently. If I closed my eyes and thought about it, everything in his apartment screamed his name. Jake may have had a kind soul and sweet aura about him, but he was still a very normal bachelor.

Jake laughed and tossed his keys on the table. "That room to the right is Riley's." As I looked back at Jake, he pointed toward the door directly off of the living room. "And down the hall here is my room and the second bathroom, which is also mine."

"Oh cool. So, Riley's the master of this house, huh?" I cocked my eyebrow with a laugh and started to walk down the hall.

"Not a chance." Jake rolled his eyes and followed closely behind me. He palmed the small of my back as he guided me toward the door at the end of the hall. "Right over there," he pointed to the left, "is the bathroom."

"Right. I think this part of the apartment was where Billy and Sue stayed when we came up before." I commented.

Pushing open the door, Jake entered his bedroom and sat my bag on the foot of his enormous bed. "And this is my room."

I almost choked at the size of his bed. "Geez, is your bed big enough?"

My inner child escaped its confines and threw me on the center of the bed, my feet barely hanging off of the edge. I spread my arms out above my head and slowly brought them down to my side. Jacob turned his head to the side, observing what I was doing, and laughed a deep chested laugh. "What are you doing?"

"Making a snow angel." I giggled.

Silently, Jacob moved to the edge of the bed where my legs were resting. He rested his knee on the edge of the bed and gazed down at the smile upon my face. Electricity zapped when the skin of his leg grazed mine. A gasp of air pushed out of my lungs. Unknowingly, I began to shake until I was nearly vibrating out of my skin. All the while, Jake crawled up the bed until he was next to me – the skin-on-skin contact of our legs never ceasing. Watching my skin ripple, Jacob drew a swirling line with his thick, long russet fingers up my arm until it reached the cuff of my t-shirt. The softness of his touch caused my skin to ignite with fire and lust. Yet, deep in my chest pounded a stronger feeling, and as I turned to look at him, I could feel the same exact feeling radiating from him. Jacob slid his fingers over my t-shirt covered collarbone, up my neck, and to my chin, where his thumb and forefinger gripped tightly. Without needing a tug or pull, my lips floated to his, tasting him for the first time in what felt like forever.

His kiss was soft, beautiful, and elegant. Everything he wanted to say, he said with that simple press of his lips to mine. And while I wished his kiss would last forever, Jacob released his grip on my chin and took his lips away from mine. As his eyes fluttered open, Jake smirked.

"I think you have to have snow for a snow angel, Bells."

I guffawed. "Techinicalities!" I took-in the size of his bed again. "Seriously, how big is this thing?"

"That's what she said!" A loud and vibrant voice with a thick Australian accent yelled.

"That would be Riley." Jacob rolled to his back, his arm haphazardly thrown across the bed, and laughed. "He likes to eaves drop."

"I do not!" Riley exclaimed. By the sound of his voice, he was heading toward Jake's room.

"He's cool." Jake whispered softly, the warmth of his breath swept across my ear. "You'll like him."

"Who is this fine young lady in your bed?" Riley crossed his arms and propped himself against the door frame.

"Riley, this is Bella from back home. Bella, this is my roommate Riley." Jake introduced us as he lay lazily on the bed.

I climbed onto my knees and crawled to the edge of the bed, which seemed to take eons. As I stood, I pushed out my hand and walked toward Riley. "Hi. It's nice to meet you, Riley." Riley took my hand and firmly shook it. "You play ball with Jake?"

"No, actually, I just have the luxury of being his roommate." Riley pulled his hand away and laughed. "And good friend." His smile was inxoticatingly contagious. "What brings you to Florida, Bells, that is what Jake calls you right?"

Confused and taken-back, I glanced toward Jake whose cheeks blushed a bit. "Uhm, yeah. It's kind of a family nickname. But I-I-I just came as a surprise and to show some school spirit."

For a few awkward moments, Riley stood staring between Jacob and me, surely trying to figure out the dynamic, but nonetheless, he walked away with a confused but knowing look on his face.

"He's nice." I randomly commented while walking toward my bags on the foot of the bed. Digging through my purse, I grabbed my phone, texting Marybelle to let her know I was there, and then checking the time. "I should probably go."

"What?" Jacob jerked his body off of the bed. "Where are you going?" His brows pulled together in confusion.

"I have to check-in at my hotel in like forty-five minutes." I answered tossing my phone back in my bag and searching for a hair tie to pull back my thick hair. As I retrieved one from the bottom of my purse and pulled my hair up, Jacob climbed out of the bed.

He stood in front of me. "You serious?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be serious?" I questioned. My tone was hushed and shocked.

"You want to stay in a hotel instead of staying with me?" Jacob asked cautiously, almost as though he was worried he would receive an answer he didn't want to hear.

"What? No! Jake, I don't want to intrude." I reached out and wrapped an arm around his waist.

"You're not intruding, Bella!" Jacob almost sounded annoyed, and that was one thing I didn't want him to be while I was here thus the hotel reservation.

"Promise?" I asked.

"I swear." Jacob replied.

"C'mere." I palmed the sides of his warm, russet face and pulled his nose down to mine. Just when it was within touching length, I swiped my nose against his slowly. "Where am I going to sleep?"

Jacob pulled back astonished at my question. "Were you just in that bed? You could sleep an entire village of people on there!"

"Are-are-are you sure that's a good idea?" I stuttered.

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"It's just that you said no sex. Sleeping in the same bed is… well…" I cleared my throat as it had suddenly become dry.

"Sleeping?" Jacob cocked his eyebrow and a smirk played softly on his face. "Relax. We're not going to have sex. Scouts honor." Jacob held up the three finger boy-scout sign.

"You are not and never will be a boy scout, Jacob Black!" I laughed and rolled my eyes. "Alright, so I'm staying here. Don't you have practice and reels of games to watch or something?"

Glancing down to the floor and then back to me, Jacob shook his head with a laugh. "Yeah. I'll be gone until about ten, which is curfew, but tomorrow after the game, I promise we'll do something fun."

While Jacob was away at practice or watching game reels, whichever it was he was doing, I unpacked my bags, changed into a pair of cotton shorts and a t-shirt, and headed for the kitchen. Rubbing my hand over my stomach, I searched the cabinets for something edible. However, I soon realized just how much of a bachelor pad Jacob and Riley's apartment really was. Besides beer, spaghetti noodles, and pork rinds, there was nothing much but a few empty containers of take-out.

"God. I'm starving." I turned and leaned against the counter. My stomach growled again and I looked down as I rubbed it.

"You have something against pork rinds?" Riley nonchalantly said as he entered the kitchen. He tugged the refrigerator door open and grabbed a can of Bud Light.

In response, I made a gagging noise like the adult that I was. "I have everything against pork rinds."

Riley shook his head, opened his can of beer, and took a sip. "What is it with Jake and pig skins anyway?" Flashing a giant grin, Riley waited for any type of response.

I couldn't even pretend to not laugh at quite possibly the lamest joke I had ever heard. "That was a pretty bad joke there."

"What do you say I order some Chinese food and we'll sit down and watch some lame ass TV shows or old movies while Jake's off doing his football thing?"

My stomach growled at the mention of food. This time it rumbled so loudly that Riley heard. He laughed softly and smirked. "I guess that's a yes."

"Dude, any kind of food right now is a yes!" I remarked with a bit of excitement hidden in my voice.

For the remainder of the night, Riley and I got to know each other as we munched down an endless supply of Chinese take-out, which he ordered from three different places just to provide a "reliable source" of the "best fucking Chinese food ever". I suppose Riley had been right. No Chinese food I had tried was as delicious as GoldWangs Chinese Take-Out and Eat-In.

Riley and I were a third of the way into our fourth movie, The Lion King, when our conversation turned from our favorite Disney characters to my past with Jake and Embry. There was something about Riley that was so inviting. I couldn't help but open up completely. By the time The Lion King ended I was on lying on the couch and Riley was across from me in the leather recliner. It oddly resembled what I imagined a counseling visit looked like – leather sofa and all.

"So, yeah, I don't expect anything from Jacob. I just want him to be happy and I want to be in his life, ya know? Those months I wasn't even in the shadows of his life were the most miserable months of my existence."

"But you love him?" Riley's fingers were pressed together – the tips of them touching the end of his nose. It almost looked like he was praying.

"I do. I love him very much." I smiled. Saying that I loved Jacob out loud was almost intoxicating. I wanted to yell it from the roof tops. "I also know that he has a lot going on in his life, and he has some issues with trust," I rolled my eyes at myself for being one of those issues, "and… he's been through a lot, but I still can't help the way I feel about Jake. It's just… it's… there… I can't explain it. I can't touch it. I can't see it, but I can feel it every second of every day. He's in my veins."

There was a silent pause. My words floated in the room available for interpretation. I waited for Riley to tell me I was insane and I shouldn't wait. But that never came. All I could feel was a golden warmth aerating around me.

"You're right. Jacob has a lot of issues to work out with himself, but never lose faith, Bella. You may have messed him up, but he let you. And he let you to come back into his life after you broke what he already fixed. That speaks for itself."

I pondered on Riley's statement. The truth astonished me. Jacob had let me hurt him, but he didn't turn away. He allowed me back into his life. He allowed me to stand next to him, as a friend, while he healed. So, maybe I already was in my "righteous" place next to him. Maybe that wasn't exactly what I wanted from Jacob. But if it wasn't being next to him, then what was it?

Years of moments flashed through my head and heart. The memories centered around Jacob's onyx black eyes. In them, I saw myself and who I was. From twinkling smiles to tarnished tears to somber goodbyes to exciting hellos, Jacob's eyes told a story of a girl who confused him, a girl he needed, a girl he cherished, a girl he loved more than life itself, and a girl he feared. It was his fear that perplexed me. What would cause him to fear me? The answer came as the memory of him standing in my doorway the night I had slept with Embry. As Jacob looked between the two of us, his fear materialized.

Jacob was afraid of losing me…_again._

"He's afraid of me." I whispered into the darkened room. The movie had ended and the BluRay player had subsequently shut off. The only light was the glow from the blackened TV.

Riley nodded. His forehead wrinkled with confusion. "Why do you think he's afraid you?"

I shrugged.

"You don't know?" Riley's voice rose in shock. "Bella, everyone can see it. Why can't you?"

"I'm scared of him too." I answered rolling to my side. My hand fell to the wood floor, and I traced the grain of the wood with my fingernail.

"And why do you fear Jacob?" Riley asked.

"Because he can destroy me and complete me. I never know which it's going to be. That scares me. My life is in his hands until he decides to destroy it or complete it." My stomach flip flopped as I spoke. My voice was tiny and brittle just as I felt in the moment.

"Which do you want him to do?"

As Riley's question was asked, I realized something I had never realized before. I didn't want Jacob to choose.

"Neither." I stared at the grain of wood and how intricate the natural design of it was. "I just want… I want to hear him say it."

"Say what?" The leather of the chair Riley was sitting in crunched as he moved. I suspected he was sitting up now, intrigued by my answer.

"How he feels about me. Either he loves me or he doesn't. I'm tired of the gray area. I want Jacob to say he loves me. I want that more than anything, but if that's not the truth, then I need to know."

It hurt to express myself so blatantly. I loved the closeness of mine and Jake's relationship. I loved being able to share everything with him – except my feelings. But I was passed the point of no return. As much as I feared the truth, I had to know.

How far was I willing to push though?

Riley stood and as I looked up to him, he gave me a meek smile that tore my heart to shreds. I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. "Do you know…" I took a breath.

"I'm not going to tell you how Jacob feels. I can't do that. It wouldn't be fair to you or him. You both need to figure things out on your own." Riley checked his cell phone and looked back down to me. "I gotta head out. Meeting some of the guys at Old Joe's Pub down the street. You wanna come with?"

"What time is it?" I sat up and rubbed the side of my face that had been resting against the leather sofa.

"Quarter til 10."

I wanted to get out, but I also wanted to spend time with Jake. I had traveled across the country just to visit him. "I think I'll stay-in and take a shower before Jake gets back."

With Riley gone and some time to alone, I allowed myself to fall apart. I allowed my heart to hurt, and I allowed myself to think of all the bad things that could happen. The solitude of my shower wrapped its depression around me, magnifying the ache in my chest.

Maybe it was as simple as telling Jacob how I felt, but I didn't want to risk losing him. If Jake didn't love me, then I would be alone again. I would be without love, without a best friend, and without a heart. How can you live without your heart?

Fear stroked my vulnerabilities until they overtook any rational thought. My only feeling was fear and love and somehow at the moment they were equal – so equal that my hands trembled and my insides hurt with anxiety.

Climbing out of the shower, my brain ran rampant with questions. Questions that I didn't even begin to know how to answer.

How was I supposed to figure anything out? Wasn't love supposed to be bigger than my fears? Or were my fears completely unreasonable? Did other people go through this too? Was something wrong with me?

I dried myself off with a towel twice the size of me and tried to push away my fears. Maybe that was my problem. I never dealt with those fears. I never faced them head on. Wrapping the towel around me, I combed through the wet strands of my hair. My reflection stared back at me. The doe-eyed girl in the mirror wouldn't allow herself to fall into her fears. That girl was long gone. It was time to face them.

Exiting the bathroom, I made my way into Jake's bedroom to dress. I pushed the bedroom door open timidly. All of the fears and all of the worry I had been in while showering seemed to evaporate as I spied Jake's long, muscular body sprawled out across the side of the bed. His head turned and a smile crept onto his face as I entered the room in nothing but a towel.

His smile warmed the cold fears in my heart, which began to beat erratically. His scent floated into my nostrils. I closed my eyes and breathed him in, dissipating whatever questions I had. When I was with Jacob, everything was okay. Just his presence or the thought of his presence quieted the anxiety that frequently floated around me.

"Hi." I wrapped my arms around my waist, one hand clasped the top of my towel. "I didn't expect you to be back so soon."

"It's 10:30, Bells." Jake laughed. "You've been in the shower for like forty minutes."

"Oh. I didn't realize… time got away from me." I blinked. My cheeks burned with embarrassment. Silently, I hoped he didn't ask questions, because I didn't know how I would answer.

"It's cool." Jacob reached out his hand and with a come hither motion, asked me to lie next to him without words.

Beckoning his call, I walked to the side of the bed where he laid. His bent knees brushed against the bare skin of my outer thigh causing bumps to rise. I exhaled as a tingle shot up my thigh engulfing me in what I imagined heaven felt like.

Jacob's fingers wrapped around my palm and pulled me toward the bed. Losing my balance, I stumbled but caught myself. "I don't want to get your bed all wet." I tugged his hand. "You sit up."

Without apprehension, Jake sat up and pulled me between his legs. He rested his large hands on my hips and stared up to me with star-filled eyes. His gaze caught me off guard with all that I had been feeling that evening. Jacob was so happy that I felt I had no right to even feel the slightest bit sad or fearful.

"You look happy." I draped my arms around his broad shoulders.

Jacob rested his chin on my chest just a little below the edge of the towel. He nodded his head yes. "I still can't believe you're here. It's like it's not real or something."

I blushed. To distract myself, I raked my fingers through the ends of Jake's long black hair. "I'm happy to be here."I smiled. "And so happy that you finally grew your hair back out."

"Really?" Jacob's eyebrow rose. "You're commenting on my hair?"

A laugh escaped me as I couldn't help but feel giddy around Jake. "I guess so. What else do you want me to say?"

Jacob slowly stood and as he did his grip on my hips helped push me back just far enough to give him room. His thumbs brushed back and forth on the terry cloth just over my hip bones. One hand slowly dragged up the curves my body made in the towel until he reached my bare shoulder. Intently, Jacob watched as he touched his thumb to the skin of my shoulder.

"You miss me." Jacob said with a thick, husky voice. I watched as his eyes raked over my bare skin, hunger and lust filling them to the brim until he bent forward and pressed a kiss on the top of my shoulder. His thick, long fingers pushed the wet strands back off of my neck. The pad of his thumb traced the contour of my collarbone.

"I wanna hear you say it." With a lust filled voice, Jacob spoke as he brought his lips to my collarbone and kissed.

A pleasant and pleased sigh pushed past my lips before I could even think to respond. The tip of Jake's tongue trailed along the side of my neck until he reached my ear. "Say it," he whispered.

I gathered enough strength to lift my arm and push the pieces of his hair away from his ear, my fingers tangling into the dark strands. "I miss you." I seductively whispered into his ear.

Jacob groaned against my ear and hastily sought out my lips. He palmed the side of my face with the hand that had been holding my hip. The other hand reversed its path and traveled down my collarbone to the tucked site of my towel. Jacob gripped it tightly, but I grabbed his hand before he could try to tug it away.

"You said…" I tried to say against his enchanting lips.

"I said we wouldn't have sex." Jacob took his lips just far enough away for their absence to be felt. His breaths were labored and sparse. "And we're not going to."

An unknown feeling flooded me from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. Suddenly, I was unsure of what was happening. Maybe being physical wasn't exactly the greatest idea at the moment. After all, I had stopped taking birth control, and it we hadn't really moved passed what had happened last December. But then he started to kiss my neck again and the reasons we shouldn't became blurry. My grip on his hand loosened. I could feel myself losing control, and I didn't want the past situations to come up again. I wanted this to work – fear or no fear. Jacob's fingers wiggled at the fold in my towel. I tightened my hand around his again and reluctantly pulled my neck from his lips.

"I don't think this is a good idea." I tried to say as sternly as I could, but it came out as a meek questionable statement.

Hesitantly, Jake let his hand fall from the towel and subsequently from mine. Dropping his head to my shoulder, he grabbed onto my hips roughly and pulled me against him, his arms snuggly encircling my waist. His labored breathing returned to normal as he gathered himself.

"You're right," he responded a few silent seconds later. "Sorry."

"It's okay." I whispered against the side of his head.

With Jake against me, I could feel his rapid heartbeat slow as I stroked the strands of his long black hair. The thumping of his heart relaxed me and drew me into his being. In that raw moment, our connection strengthened. Our vulnerability steered our out-of-control joy ride toward safety. Jake let his guard down just enough to offer me another piece of himself, and I took it. I would take whatever I could get, and however I could get it. Even if we were in a desperate state, there was always a bright side. This was it. Him allowing me to see his vulnerability and his need to know that I truly did miss him opened the door just enough for me to get my foot in the door. And I knew that his opened door may slam shut or fling open with what I was about to say.

"Jake, can you look at me? I need to tell you something."

Jacob lifted his head from my shoulder and looked me in the eye. A moment of fear flashed in his eyes. "What is it?"

"It's not that big of a deal, really. I mean it is, but it might not be." I stepped back and gripped my towel again. I was pleasantly surprised by Jake's reaction.

He stepped forward and reached out to me, his hand resting on my hip again. "Tell me," he almost pleaded.

"I…I stopped taking my birth control back in January. I just thought I should tell you, ya know? Because I don't want you to think that I don't want to sleep with you." I began to ramble.

"That's why you stopped me?" Jacob cocked his head to the side. His worried face softened.

"Yeah. I mean… that's part of the reason. I don't want to mess this up. I want to move passed what happened and I don't think that giving into the moment is going to fix anything." I slowly spit out what I needed to say without stuttering or screwing it up. "And, you know, I'm not on birth control anymore."

"Why did you stop taking it?" Jacob asked as he let go of my hip. I couldn't read him in that moment, but it seemed as though he was genuinely curious.

"I wanted to make a point. I knew I made a mistake by sleeping with Embry, so when you didn't want to have sex with me anymore, I thought it would prove to you that I wasn't just sleeping with anyone. And I haven't." I stopped what I was saying afraid that he might think I was just making excuses. "I made a huge mistake, Jake, and… well… I don't know. It sounds stupid trying to explain to you why I stopped. But it means something to me."

Jacob smirked and looked away. "I get it. It means a lot. Thank you."

"Why are you thanking me?" I asked as he turned toward the bed and pulled back the comforter and sheet.

"For explaining and telling me the truth. Not everyone would do that." Jacob answered in a hushed tone, his back still turned.

"Well… I'm not just anyone; at least I hope I'm not." A sliver of my true feelings slipped into my words.

Every muscle in Jacob's body stilled. His stature was like a never-wavering stone, yet there was this softness about him that poured into the atmosphere. It was as though I had said the right thing at the right moment. And quietly, I thanked my heart for allowing me to get that small statement out in the open. Maybe then, Jake would know where I was. A hint was better than nothing.

Just before I started to walk off toward the closet where my clothes were, Jacob spun around. With one giant step he closed the space between us. As he had done a million times before, Jacob leaned his forehead against mine and swiped our noses together. Along with his Eskimo kiss, Jacob spoke loud and clear.

"You're like no one else in my life, Bells. I want it to stay that way."

The second those words left his lips was the second that his lips connected with mine. In his kiss was his heart and his intentions. And as much as I had feared everything about Jacob and me earlier, I could no longer doubt the truth.

Without uncertainty, I untucked the fold that was keeping my towel tightly wrapped around me. The same gravity that pulled the towel to the floor now held my naked skin against the warmest of bodies. I pressed myself against him. His clothing aggravated me as it didn't give me the same pleasure that his skin did, but those thoughts cleared away as Jacob lightly touched the curve of my hip with his fingers. As much as his touch quenched the thirst my body was craving, I didn't want to push things further than they should go. So, I laced our fingers together much to Jacob's dislike.

"What'd you do that for?" he whimpered against my swollen lips.

"No touching." I flirted, taking a step back and allowing him to see me fully. "Just looking."

"I don't like these rules." Jacob's eyes followed my curves as he took-in my nakedness. He squeezed tightly onto my hand and licked his lips.

I giggled softly to myself. "I don't like how overdressed you are."

Casually and calmly, I stepped back in front of Jake. I ran my fingers down his broad chest until they reached the hem of his shirt. Bunching it up, I pushed the black t-shirt up until I could reach no more. Jacob took over then and pulled the shirt over his head. As he did, I looped my fingers into the top of his jersey shorts and chewed on the corner of my lip. It would take everything in me not to touch him, not to want to please him once he was unclothed, but I could do it. I was strong enough. I ran my fingers along his waistband until my hands reached his sides. I pressed my palms flat against his russet skin and slid down his shorts and underwear.

An ache started to throb as my eyes traveled over Jake's beautifully toned body. Every inch of him was firm with lust, and I couldn't help but stare. My hands twitched, needing to touch and to please. Biting into my lip, I tried to stop that ache from growing. The pain didn't help. In fact, the only thing I felt was need. That need grew the longer Jake rigidly stood in front of me until I craved that tingle only his skin could inflict.

With my palm face up, I reached out and slid my twitching fingers up Jacob's length until a low, untamed growl rumbled out of him. His head slightly tilted back and his eyes rolled. "You said no touching." Jacob clenched his fists next to his sides as though he was doing everything in his power to follow the rules I had put in place.

I had no real rebuttal. I had broken my own set of rules, but I couldn't fight the pull toward him. I couldn't fight the way my body instantaneously needed to be against his. I couldn't fight against gravity. It would always win.

Wrapping my fingers tightly around his shaft, I drew my hand away with a smirk.

"That's not fucking fair." Jacob huskily growled and clenched his jaws, flexing and relaxing the muscles there over and over again.

"You got to touch me once." I whispered. "It's fair."

"Your hip." A roar of ecstasy bellowed from Jake's throat. He breathed in through his nose and out his mouth. Once he had calmed and my touch had become a memory, Jake's eyes grazed every single inch of my naked flesh. "You're so beautiful, Bells," he said in a controlled but sweet tone.

At that moment, I couldn't tell if I was blushing or just horny. Every single inch of my body was on fire. Heat trailed up and down my skin masking my embarrassment – even to me. Whatever it was made the world a hazy mess. I was intoxicated and drifting closer to Jacob, who palmed the small of my back and pulled me against him. He throbbed against my stomach.

"Jake…" I objected, but he placed a finger across my lips.

"Trust me," he stated. "I promise I won't do anything you don't want me to." Jacob tucked a loose strand of my drying hair behind my ear. As he did, his eyes gazed into mine. And in that moment, the door that had been merely cracked flew open and allowed me inside. Peace, serenity, hope, and love swallowed me whole. I knew I could trust him. I could feel it in my bones.

"I do." My trust in him wasn't the issue. It was his trust in me, and I needed more than anything for him to trust me again. "I want you to trust me too."

Jacob ducked his head and kissed my lips gently – the passion and the lust covered by the tender sweetness of his heart. "I'm trying."

Lifting my feet off the ground, Jacob spun us around until my back was facing the bed. He, then, gently laid me down. His grip never loosened until I was resting comfortably. It was only at that time that he let go and climbed in next to me.

"Roll over." Jacob said . As I rolled over to my side, Jake palmed my stomach and pulled my back against his chest. He continued to kiss me until my lips were unreachable, then he grazed them down the side of my neck, leaving the smallest and softest of kisses in his wake.

I closed my eyes, taking in every breath, every kiss, every second of this raw reality. Jacob's lips continued their journey as he pressed me harder against him. When he reached my shoulder, Jacob dragged his palm to my resting arm and dragged his fingers up to where his lips rested. He gripped tightly and squeezed.

"Don't stop." I whimpered pressing my ass firmly against his hardness.

Hot breath hit my ear as Jacob left a kiss there. "You sure?"

I nodded my head almost erratically. "I'm sure."

With a satisfied groan, the soft touch of Jake's hand slid up to my neck, where he lingered a moment – his fingers tightening just enough to show his need for control. Then, without so much as a second thought, Jacob's hand delicately floated down my chest. His touch was as light as the tickling flutter of a butterfly's wings. The tips of his fingers grazed my nipples just enough to make my thighs squeeze together. Jacob's journey of touch continued with the soft caress of his palm against my stomach. He traced the outline of my belly button, and swiped his thumb across my ribcage. And every last piece of me reacted to him – my heart, my soul, my body. I felt complete when he touched me. I felt wholesome and warm when I could feel his sparse breaths hitting the top of my shoulder.

And the way he understood what I wanted, what I needed was astonishing. As much as I wanted him to flip me over and have his way with me, he knew that it wasn't what I wanted, so he didn't linger in one place for long.

Speaking distinguishable words flew out of the window, instead gasps of air, soft moans, and frustrating sighs left my lips as he continued his trail downward until his finger tips rested at the top of my mound. Jacob stopped and lightly moved his fingers from side to side across the skin there. I was surprised he couldn't feel the wetness just yet, and glanced down to his hand in just enough time to see his hand slide, palm down, between my legs. His fingers were stiff and sturdy, careful to not go into places that I desperately wanted them to go.

Kissing my shoulder, Jake groaned and flicked his tongue against my skin. "You're so wet." His middle finger twitched and pressed just slightly between my folds, giving me just enough to taste.

Unable to withstand his agonizing tease show any longer, I rolled to my back and placed my hand over the hand he rested on my slick womanhood. Lining up our middle fingers, I pushed down until his slipped between my delicate folds and into my sweet center. Simply having a small piece of him inside of me drew my back off of the bed. He pushed in further until a low whimper escaped my lips. My walls were already tightening. I was so deeply engulfed in ecstasy that my climax wouldn't be far away.

And Jacob knew it as he drew his finger out slowly and roughly pushed a second finger inside. Curving his fingers upward, he placed the pad of his thumb against my clit and circled it with just enough pressure to cause my eyes to roll back into my head.

"Come for me, Bella." Jacob bent over me and brought our lips together. With a flirty tongue, he continued his movements. The combination of the two had me sprinting to the finish line. I wiggled myself against his heavy hand as the muscles in my legs twitched and tweaked with pleasure.

"I wanna see you come." Jacob's voice no longer resembled the sweet, kind, and sometimes sarcastic one I was used to. Now, it was full of a scruffy desire and longing. He placed a bit more pressure on my clit and circled his fingers inside of me. My eyes fluttered shut, but Jacob objected. "Look at me."

I did. I opened my eyes wide and stared into the darkness of his eyes. The adoration behind his pupils sent extra shockwaves of pleasure throughout. I could no longer keep my breaths under control. My muscles moved on their own freewill while I rode out the waves sheer pleasure until I felt that tightening and aching double.

"Oh. God. Jake." I moaned wrapping an arm around his shoulders. I gripped onto the back of his neck tightly.

"Mmm," he hummed. "That's it. Come for me, Bells."

"Ohh…" I stretched out as the amount of pleasure had reached its highest peak and when it fell, my body caved in on itself in superior bliss. Breaking our gaze, my eyes slammed shut. My heat squeezed tightly around Jacob's thick fingers, which he still pumped in and out. He lightly brushed the very tip of his thumb across my now pleasured clit causing me to jerk with each stroke.

"You're so fucking beautiful." Jacob groaned and kissed my lips as he withdrew his fingers. "I love watching you come."

As he half hovered over me, I felt the stiff throbbing of him against my hip. "Mmm." I laughed softly and pulled him in for another kiss. The moment my lips pressed against his I took him into my hand, pleasing him until he bit into his full bottom lip, squeezed his eyes shut, and allowed his muscles to tighten with satisfaction.

We spent most of the night relearning all of those tiny, invisible spots that drove us insane. Jacob's refusal to fully have sex with me taught me that I could withstand the truest of tortures. He chuckled deep in his chest when I turned into a whining, antsy, and completely enthralled predator. Even when I had him pinned by his metaphorical throat, Jacob still found the strength to turn away. His ability to turn me down and my inability to remain strong elevated my awareness to the way he rolled his eyes, licked his lips, or how his chest swelled with air every time my fingers, lips, or tongue floated over his invisibly tantalizing spots.

The next morning I woke alone in Jacob's big bed wrapped tightly in his white sheets. The pillows on his side of the bed were askew. They rested lengthwise, each end of the pillow facing the ends of the bed. I rubbed my hand across the soft cotton-covered pillow to find it still emanating warmth. It hadn't been long since he had gotten out of bed. A part of me wondered why he didn't wake me, but the other part didn't care. I had slept so well and without random dreams of floating on clouds or of Sarah Black. Jacob brought me peace, and I welcomed it with open arms.

I pulled myself out of bed, wrapping my naked body in the sheet. I found Jacob in front of the stove humming and bobbing his head along to whatever fast paced song was playing on his iPod. His hair was neat and tied at the base of his neck. Its black strands rested down the center of his back stopping just between his shoulder blades. His russet skin made the blackness of his hair seem a bit more brown than black. As he flipped a pancake into the air, the muscles in his back stretched and lengthened with the movement of his arms. When Jacob sang off key as loudly as he could, I covered my mouth as a laugh crept out. Jake spun around, both shocked and elated that I was watching, but it didn't deter him. Instead, he lifted the spatula to his lips and sang into it like it was a microphone. Taking a few slow steps forward, Jacob wrapped his arm around my waist and pushed my body side-to-side with his.

"Cause we are, we are, we are… lovers lost in space searching for our saving grace." He sang with a growl and tipped the spatula toward me. When I shook my head and refused to sing into his make-shift-microphone, Jacob shrugged and continued to sing. "I walk the tight rope. You're my way home. You're my backbone. You'll always be here right beside me."

Jacob turned just as I waved my hand to get his attention. "And I still remember the way your lips taste on holidays. Leave in December, what can I do to make you stay?"

I realized he wasn't about to stop singing and there was no use in me even trying to get a word in edge wise, so I carefully made my way to the living-room making sure to hold the corners of the sheet up so I wouldn't trip and fall flat on my face. I flopped onto the cold leather and shivered. I stared at the ceiling not really thinking but not really not-thinking. I just lay there peacefully.

About twenty minutes after I flopped on the couch, Jacob kicked the edge of the couch. "Breakfast is ready. Come eat." He grinned a purely happy grin and laughed as I gathered the enormous sheet around myself and wobbled into the dining area.

We sat in silence at the table for the first few bites of breakfast. Jacob eyed me as I tasted the pancakes and bacon. When I didn't comment on his culinary skills, Jake cleared his throat. "Well…" His eyebrows rose curiously.

"It's delicious." I remarked truthfully. "Since when do you know how to cook?"

"Since I moved here and you didn't." Jacob laughed. "I almost starved the first semester."

"You do know there's about five McDonald's in a three mile radius, don't you?" I giggled.

"Yeah." Jake sipped his orange juice. "That's what I lived on my second semester."

"Poor baby." I teased. "What time do you have to be at the field tonight?"

"About four, but I usually go in earlier just to get my head in the game. Dad usually shows up at the field about five. Coach lets him sit at the sidelines sometimes." Jacob took a breath and inhaled a pancake before he licked the syrup from his lips and continued. "You can sit with Dad or you can hang with Riley in the student section. I'm sure he won't mind."

I was consumed with the idea of being in the middle of the action at the sidelines, but the one thing that stopped me in my tracks was Billy. I was still unamused with his comments to Jacob, and quite frankly didn't know if I wanted to be around him. So, I decided to hang with Riley in the student section. At least there, I would get to experience the true college experience.

"I think I'll hang with Riley." I poked at the half of pancake left on my plate.

"Alright." Jacob spied my half eaten pancake and glanced toward his empty plate. "You're not going to eat this right?" With his fork in his hand, Jake reached over and stabbed my pancake. He brought it over to his plate without waiting for my response.

"No." I laughed. The familiarity of the moment reminded me of early mornings before we headed out for school. Jake always stole food from my plate. "What are you doing after the game?"

Jake shrugged his heavy shoulders. "I dunno. Usually there's some type of party somewhere, but we don't have to go if you don't want to. We can just hang here." There was a glint of hope in his eyes as he mentioned staying at his apartment after the game, but I was far more excited to experience some type of real college party.

"Are you kidding? I want the full experience!" I exclaimed with excitement.

"Sweet." Jake chuckled. "Meet me on the fifty yard line about an hour after the game. We'll figure out where we're going and all that shit."

"How do I get on the fifty yard line _after_ the game?"

"Just stick around in the stands. Plenty of alumni hang out afterward. Security is less strict. 'Sides tell 'em you know me. They'll let you do anything you want."

For most of the day, Jake and I sat in front of the television watching ESPN Classic. Who knew there was such thing as a channel that played nothing but old football games? Jake didn't say much of anything. Instead he studied the moves of the players, called plays, and sat up straight each time something unexpected happened. It was the passion he showed for the game that kept me entertained. He cursed and chewed at his lips. Worry lines creased over his brows as he completely lost himself in the game. I silently wondered if this was what it was like to be on the sidelines. Only, I suspected that it would be far more intense as it would be his soon-to-be career on the line.

"So, have you heard anything about being drafted?" I questioned once there was a commercial break.

"Uh," Jake nervously sat up taking a sip of water. His knee began to bounce. "Actually, my agent has a few recruits coming to this game. It's kinda important."

"Oh." I lifted my brow. "I bet it's kinda hard having so many people watching you all at once, huh?"

Jake chuckled. "There's always a lot of people watching me play, Bells."

"I just mean…"

"I know what you meant. I was just making a joke. Actually, you being here adds a little bit of pressure. It's been so long since you've seen me play, and you know I don't want you to be disappointed." Jacob palmed a football that was lying under his coffee table. "'Sides I don't want you thinkin' I'm some kind of loser either." A smirk worked at his lips.

Before I could respond the game came back on, and I was quickly shushed and told to watch the next play as it was something amazing. I rolled my eyes, but tried not to let my disdain show while Jake turned the volume up. Much to my enjoyment, Riley pulled open his bedroom door and threw a wadded up t-shirt at Jacob's face.

"Turn that athletic shit down, fuck-face." His head peaked around the doorframe. Shock worked its way onto Riley's boyish features as he suddenly remembered that I was there. Riley stepped out of his bedroom door, a sombrero strategically placed over his naked boy-parts.

"OH MY GOD!" I squealed and grabbed the throw pillow, covering my face.

"Riley, man, c'mon! No one here wants to see that shit!" Jake yelled just as a tall, stick-thin, tanned brunette peered around Riley. Atop her head was a cowboy hat and dangling in her left hand was a silver toy gun. "Dude. What the fuck?"

I burst out laughing, doubling over at the thought of Riley and this beautiful tramp playing some sort of cowboys and Indians. Jacob's eyes bulged as the girl stepped a little further past Riley, her attention fully peaked on him.

"Mr. Rodriguez, you never told me that Jacob Black was your roommate." She wiggled her eyebrows at Jake.

A fire lit somewhere inside of me and I jumped to my feet pulling all attention toward me. Feeling their eyes boring into me waiting for my next erratic reaction, I glanced toward Jake, folded my arms, and stomped off toward his bedroom with a huff.

"Riley, you have disgusting taste in women!" I snarled just as I reached Jacob's room.

"Who is she? The flavor of the week?" I heard the cowboy slut say.

Just as my anger flared enough to send me toward the door, Jacob spoke loudly. "Man, Riley, you better shut her up before I toss her out just the way she is right now."

"Jake, she's just joking." Riley tried to calm the air.

"No I wasn't." Her skanky voice squeaked.

"Look, you're testing my patience here. I've known Bells all my life. She's been there for me when no one else was. So, I suggest you be quiet over there."

I had never heard Jake be disrespectful toward a woman before. Sure, he had disregarded my feelings in his garage but to speak to someone he didn't know with such acidity in his voice was not like Jacob at all. A smile worked its way to my face and satisfaction forced its way through my veins. Jacob's heavy footsteps brought him into the bedroom. His long, thick body leaned against the doorframe.

"I'm sorry about that, Bells. Guess I should have warned you about Riley's taste in women. His mommy issues are just ridic…" Jacob looked up from the floor to the smile on my face. "You're smiling. Why?"

"You took up for me." I answered.

Jake shrugged his shoulders. "It's what I do. It's what I always do. I'm always looking out for you."

"Thank you." I spoke through the smile on my face. "And it's okay about Riley. I kinda figured someone that attractive had to have some kind of flaw."

"You checked out my roommate?" Jacob laughed.

"I-I-I… yeah." My cheeks became hot. "We had some bonding time last night."

Jacob's eyes suddenly went dark. He pulled his lips into a straight line and replied with a simple, "Oh."

I couldn't read him, but something about my bonding time with Riley bugged him. Maybe it was me being so close to Riley, or maybe it stemmed from my fumble with Embry. "Does that bother you?"

"Yeah. I mean no." Jacob sighed heavily and walked to me, placing his hand on his hips. "A little bit." He finally announced. Wrapping his arms snuggly around me, Jake pulled me to his chest and kissed the top of my head. "A lot."

"If this is about Embry…" As soon as his name left my lips, Jacob's body tensed.

"It's not about Embry." Jacob slurred his name with a growl. "Why does it always come back to him?"

"He was an important part of my life, Jake. He was there when you…" I stopped realizing that if I continued we'd end up in a huge argument, and I'd probably end up flying home wasting the entire weekend.

"Go ahead. Say it." Jake's jaws flexed. "When I wasn't there for you." He breathed heavily through his nose as his jaws flitted. "You know, Bells, this is getting ridiculous! I don't want to live every mistake I made over and over again."

I folded. I couldn't fight with him, because this weekend wasn't supposed to be about arguing. I wanted this time with Jacob to be special and to tell me exactly what I suspected: He was in love with me too. He just couldn't admit it. Or didn't want to.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound that way."

"If I knew then how things turned out, I would never have told you to date Embry. I was only trying to watch out for you back then, and look where the fuck that got me!" Jacob released me and stepped to his dresser. He pressed his palms flat against the dresser and stiffened his arms. "It's some shit, Bells. I was only trying to give you a little bit of happiness. You think I didn't know that you were miserable with my decision to date Jessica? I knew everything back then. And I _thought_ I knew what was going on until you slept with Embry. Now, I feel like I don't know you at all."

Jacob looked to the clock on his night stand and stood, releasing the pressure on his arms. His broad shoulders tensed. "I have to go," he said glumly.

"What? No." I hadn't even had time to absorb what Jacob said, and now it was time for him to leave. "Can't you just take five more minutes to talk to me?"

"Bella," Jacob looked at me, annoyed with my incessant whiny voice, "I can't."

"You can't what? Stay for five more minutes? Please don't do this, Jake. You know I'll worry myself to death during the game…if I even make it there." I crossed my arms. What I said was wrong on so many levels. But, I was desperate. I needed him to talk to me, to listen to what I needed to say. Not that I knew exactly what I should say after his little rant. More than anything, I just didn't want him to leave upset.

"Are you threatening me?" Jacob's face turned stern. "Because that's not going to work. You can threaten to leave or walk away from me, but it'll never happen. You wanna know why?"

He was angry, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to answer him. So, I smugly unfolded my arms from my chest and glared toward him. "Why?"

"I'll never let you." Jacob spoke softly.

As anger melted from his features, Jacob wrapped his arms tightly around my shoulders and hugged me. I gasped as the air felt like it was being squeezed from my lungs. I wasn't sure if my lack of breath was due to his bear-hug or what he'd said. I couldn't fight the smile on my face. The tension in my muscles released allowing me to fall into his embrace.

"Sorry." I mumbled against his chest.

Jake brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and kissed the top of my forehead. "S'okay. Now, I really need to go, Bells. Just promise me that you'll be there somewhere in the stands."

"I promise." I answered looking up to him with bright eyes.

Tenderly and sweetly, Jake bent forward just enough to graze my lips with his. Tingles of electric shot from his lips to mine. As he stepped away from me with a smile full of sunshine, I touched my lips and blushed. My brain was fuzzy, and my heart was inconsistently beating in my chest.

I kept my promise to Jake and found myself in the middle of the student section next to Riley wearing blue and orange with a fake gator tattoo on my cheek. Being in the middle of the student section yelling, screaming, and cheering was nothing I experienced before. The prior games I had come to Jake reserved seats with all of the other family members of the players. However, this was exactly the college experience I craved.

"C'mon Black! Throw that fuckin' pigskin!" Riley cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled.

I eyed Riley and tossed my head back laughing just as a red-haired girl around my age stumbled in the row in front of us. She caught herself long enough to begin spinning in tiny circles. She turned an odd shade of green. I backed up as far as the metal bleachers would allow me to just before beer spewed from her lips. Vomit splashed onto the bleachers in front of us and onto mine and Riley's shoes. I stared in awe just as Riley bent over and patted the girl on the back.

"Now you're ready for round two!"

I was half repulsed and half amused. Either way, I turned my attention back to the game in enough time to watch Jacob sail the ball across the field and into the receiver's hands. From that point on, I couldn't tear my eyes from the field. I watched Jake call play after play as the score climbed higher and higher. And when the defense was on the field, I found myself searching for Jacob on the sidelines. It wasn't hard for me to find the only player with a long black ponytail hanging over his jersey. Once I did, I watched him intently as he bounced his leg and watched the defense work their magic against the other team's offense.

Only once did Jake turn his attention toward the student section, and when he did, he had no problem spotting me. He pointed his finger at me in the stands, gave me his million dollar smile, and slid his helmet on. As he ran onto the field, I felt everyone's eyes searching for exactly who Jake had pointed at. Their faces were just as clueless as their stares. I thanked God that there were so many fans in the stand that I couldn't be singled out. And just as I did so, Riley placed his hands on my shoulders and shook me.

"Woo! Bells! Yeah!" The weight of his hand lifted from one shoulder and when I looked up his finger was pointing down at me. That's when everyone's eyes turned to me. Most of the guys smiled and yelled my nickname, while a lot of the girls scrunched their faces and crossed their arms. I, on the other hand, felt the blush run up my cheeks. My face burned.

"Riley!" I scolded. "Stop."

"Don't be embarrassed. Everyone should know who you are." Riley laughed and handed me a cup of beer. When I cocked my eyebrow at him, he shrugged. "It'll help you relax, and it won't matter that thousands of people are staring at you on the big screen."

Squeezing my eyes shut, I refused to look at the giant screen next to the scoreboard at the end of the field. Instead, I guzzled back the cup of beer Riley handed me and motioned with my hand that I wanted more.

"That's a girl!" Riley chuckled and handed me another cup of beer just as I dropped the other from my lips. "Drink up."

The need to drown the crowd's peering eyes dwindled around my third drink. My worries seemed to float away into the sticky, humid air. Pass after pass, I cheered Jake on, yelling his name, whopping, and hollering, which only seemed to bring attention to me ever more. But, I didn't really care. I was proud of Jacob. They could stare all they wanted.

Jake helped lead the team to a shut-out game. As the stands began to clear out during the third quarter, Riley and I finally took a seat and inspected our shoes. Riley made a disgusted face as his shoelaces had turned an odd shade of off-white. He shrugged it off and lit up a cigarette. He raised his brows and offered me a puff.

"No thanks. I don't smoke." I waved him off and scraped my tennis shoes against the cement beneath them. "These were my favorite pair of shoes." I whined. Bending forward, I looked over them carefully to see if there was any way to save them.

"I'm sure they'll come clean. The smell is going to be the problem." Riley stated nonchalantly as he puffed away at his cigarette.

The mental bench underneath me gave a bit. I glanced beside me, noticing a pair of black leather boots next to me. I followed the shape of the boots as they bent with the girls long, skinny legs. Her short skirt rode nearly up to the tops of her thighs. She pressed her hands together and situated them at the hem of her jean skirt. My eyes continued to travel up what looked to be a model-perfect body and to a face that oddly resembled a Barbie doll. The girl pressed her shiny lips together and pasted a fake smile across them.

"Hi!" She said too nicely. "I'm Alisha."

Alisha pushed her hand toward me. I turned to Riley, who shrugged and puffed away at his cigarette. Awakwardly, I waved my hand at her. "Hi."

"You're Bells, right?" Alisha asked in a sarcastically nice tone.

"Um…yes." Riley's pointed elbow nudged me in the ribs. When I looked at him, he rubbed his hand across his mouth and slightly nodded his head no, puzzling me.

"Oh my gosh! You're the girl Jacob was pointing at earlier!" The girl sounded far too excited, and it bugged me far beyond my comprehension that she knew Jacob's name.

"I guess." I kept my answers short. There was a reason that Riley had shaken his head.

"That is so cool." Alisha said flatly. Her eyes rolled. "Jacob is like the guy to catch around here." Her hands moved as she talked. "But like he's like not interested like in girls or something."

A loud cackle burst out of my throat. Riley chuckled silently next to me. I bumped his shoulder with mine and winked. "Like… are you like… calling him like gay?" I twirled my hair around my finger and cocked my head to the side as I spoke just like Alisha did.

"Oh. My. God! I totally knew he was gay. Like why else would he like not want to date me?"

"Fuck. Alisha, Jacob isn't gay." Riley grumbled and flicked his cigarette at his shoe. He stood up and rubbed the cigarette into the cement with the toe of his shoe. Riley tapped on my shoulder and motioned me toward the exit.

"Really?" She sounded a bit deflated, but Alisha was one of those girls who deserved to have her ego suppressed every once and a while.

"Really." I stood up.

"How do you know?"

I smiled and crossed my arms. "I just do."

"C'mon Bells. Let's get out of here." Riley grabbed my hand and pulled me through the crowd. He yelled behind us, "Stop following us, Alisha. Jake's not going to think any differently of you any time soon."

Once we were through the crowd and half-way down the tunnel that lead toward the concession area, Riley rolled his eyes and heaved. "God damn. I thought that girl transferred."

"Who _was_ that?"

"One of the crazy ass girls that are all about Jake's dick." Riley shook his head. "But she's on another level, man. She changed majors and classes to be closer to Jake. She moved to the same apartment complex although her parent's paid for a crazy nice house a few blocks from campus. She even bought some Quileute memorabilia."

"Stalker much?" I laughed.

"That's not it. I made the mistake of taking her back to the apartment one night." Riley stopped, looked at me full of shame, and continued. "Well I woke up to Jake throwing her out. She somehow ended up in his bed, naked when he got home from practice."

My heart dropped to my feet. "Oh." I muttered.

Riley glanced up to me and shook his head 'no' with wide eyes. "No, no, no, no. Bells, don't think that. Jake didn't fuck her." He and I winced. "He wouldn't do that…to you."

And just like that I felt like the lowest of the lowest. My mind was suddenly back in the dark depths of last December when I had slept with Embry. Riley's statement ricocheted in my mind. All I could think of was how big of an idiot I had been.

"Don't feel bad. Jacob understands." Riley wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "As much as he can, anyway."

"You know?" I exclaimed. Shame filled my veins and overflowed as a deep blush that crept up my cheeks.

Riley nodded. "I'm a psychology major, Bells. I know how to get people talking, and let me tell you… you and Jacob _really _need to talk."

The next hour flew by in a flash. I talked with Riley and met a few of Jacob's other friends. Riley took me under his wing and protected me against all of the crazy girls that seemed to want nothing more than to shake my hand or ask me detailed questions about Jacob's past. It was during those moments that I realized just how important Jacob had become to this school, to the people who supported the school, and to all of those money-hungry Jessica's out there. I sighed and hoped that history wasn't about to repeat itself, because I didn't think I would survive.

Before I knew it, Riley escorted me toward the sidelines well-after the game. He stood with me until Jacob approached. They shook hands and patted each other on the back. Riley mentioned Alisha to which Jacob rolled his eyes and glanced toward me apologetically. I stood silently waiting until I could hug him tightly to me in a show of affection that Jacob could recognize as truthful.

"Thanks man." Jacob chewed on the side of his lip. His onyx eyes stared in my direction. "I'll see you later."

"Later Bells." Riley waved over his head and left the field.

"So, I heard you met some of the psychos." Jacob laughed as he advanced toward me.

I couldn't withstand the need to hug him any longer, so I skipped the few feet between us and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck. Jacob sighed into my ear as he hugged my midsection. Burying my head into his neck, I breathed Jake's freshly showered scent in, allowing it to overtake me. Reluctantly, I pulled away and kissed his cheek.

"Miss me?" He brushed his lips against the corner of my mouth.

I nodded my head unable to really speak.

"You're freaked out?" Jacob guessed.

I nodded in agreement.

"I'm sorry." Jacob didn't hesitate. "I know it's different than back home. People here see me as something bigger than I am. They don't know the real me like you do."

"It just scares me." I swallowed thickly.

Jacob raised his eyebrows in response. "What do you mean?"

"I don't want you to get lost in all of the craziness."

Nodding his head in agreement, Jacob stuffed his hands into his pockets. "What makes you think I'll get lost?"

That question caught me off guard. What was it that I was worried about with the glitz and glamour that came with his dream career?

"I'm worried that you'll change or forget about La Push and Forks, and that it won't be home to you anymore." I blurted out the words my mouth formed. My heart talked for my blank mind. But that wasn't the only thing that worried me. I looked toward the green Astroturf and blushed. "That you'll forget about me."

Moments of silence passed. The only sounds were the conversations of security guards and alumni and the volunteers who were cleaning the stands. The whole world was a blur around me. My breathing was difficult as worry tightened the muscles in my chest.

I waited to hear Jacob speak, to say something that would make me feel like I had no right to the love I had for him. I waited for him to tell me that my fears were completely unfounded. I waited for him to yell at me and tell me that I was ruining our friendship because I had fallen in love with him.

But that never happened.

Jacob reached out a hand, wrapping his fingers around my wrist, and stepping forward to close the space between us. I could feel his eyes staring at the top of my bowed head, and when I looked up, the expression I found was dark but light, soft but hard, distant but close. Worry creases formed between his brows and his lips tightened into one straight line. With his other hand, Jacob placed his palm over my ear. He leaned forward, our noses touching tip to tip. I watched his chest rise and fall with easy, relaxing breaths. Although he was battling something within himself, Jacob was at peace. My stare drifted to his neck where I watched his pulse quicken.

"Bells," he said with the softest and kindest of tones. "You are my home."

My heart fluttered. Butterflies flapped their wings in my belly. The tips of my fingers shook unsteadily. Bravery built up in my blood as his words filtered through my brain, landing squarely on my damaged heart. Fears ceased to exist; I was ready to tell him.

I _needed _to tell him.

"I need to tell you something." I whispered. I looked up meeting Jake's intense stare which softened just a bit when my eyes focused in on his. His thumb brushed across my cheek. "Jake, I…"

Without warning, the skies opened up and giant drops of rain fell quickly to the ground. It only took seconds for my clothes to be drenched. The sound of the rain on the metal bleachers was so loud that I could no longer hear what I was trying to say. Jacob looked up at the sky and laughed.

"Gotta love Florida weather." He stated, dropping his hands from my face.

In the blink of an eye the moment was gone. My chance to tell him disappeared. I swallowed the "I'm in love with you" speech that was lodged in my throat.

"Let's get out of here." Jake yelled over the loud tings of the rain drops and metal crashing together.

I nodded and followed him, hand in hand, into one of the dark tunnels that led onto the field. My heart broke with every step away from that moment. Had I lost the chance completely? Could I walk away without second thought? I was at the brink of spelling it all out for Jacob, and somehow Mother Nature interjected. Was it supposed to be a sign?

We had just breeched the mouth of the tunnel when I spoke up. "Jake wait." I said, jerking my hand out of his. I couldn't just walk away. Not when everything was going so well.

Jacob stopped and faced me.

"I need to tell you something." I repeated myself. The bravery I had once felt slowly began to fade.

"What is it?" The look on his face was of worry and fear. I wanted to laugh inside, because I knew that he was scared of what I might say. But, what I had to say would do nothing but offer him the opportunity to tell me how he felt.

I opened my mouth and was about to speak when someone yelled from the end of the tunnel we just came from.

"Jacob!" I looked over my shoulder and recognized who it was immediately. "Son, I've been looking all over for you. Coach Chapman went ahead and gave me some reels for next week's game." Billy held up a few DVD shaped boxes.

Jacob sighed and gave me an apologetic look. "Can it wait?" He asked me with piercing eyes.

I suppose it could. Not one, but two times had I been interrupted just as I was about to spill my heart out to him. Maybe the timing was all wrong. Maybe Jacob wasn't ready to know exactly how I felt. So, in response, I nodded my head and sighed a "yes".

Jacob jogged to the end of the tunnel to his dad. I watched as he grabbed the cases from his dad's hands and frustratedly had a conversation with him that I couldn't really hear. But from Jacob's animated movements, I expected it was just like the conversation he had with Billy back in December. After a while, I could start to make out words and syllables. Every so often, I thought I heard my name, and when Jake looked over his shoulder at me and shook his head in defeat, I knew my fears were valid.

"This was my best game by far! How can you say that?" Jacob yelled. I had never heard him raise his voice to Billy, and I didn't want to be the reason why he did.

A collage of syllables and sounds merged together as Billy spoke something in a softer, kinder tone. He reached his hand out to Jake, patting his arm.

"No. You're wrong. It's not like that at all, Dad. Are you listening to yourself at all?" Jacob begged his father to have some rationality, but I knew Billy. When he had his mind made up, there was no changing it.

Not able to take hearing or seeing any more, I turned and walked down the tunnel as if I knew the way out. It didn't matter if I got myself lost or if I found my way back to Jacob's apartment. What mattered at that moment was taking myself out of the picture. Jacob's family was the most important part of his life. They would be what kept him grounded. Not me. I kept his head in the clouds. I was nothing but a distraction to him. The fact that Jacob played better than he ever had before was a mere detail in the bigger picture. And I was that one part of the painting that never really seemed to fit. Tears found their way down my cheeks as I walked away taking lefts and rights whenever they popped up. I had no idea where I was going. I just had to get out of there.

The halls of the tunnel began to widen and lighten. At one end I could see a well lit parking lot. With constricting breaths, I took a few gasps and wiped away the tears on my cheeks. My cell phone buzzed in my pocket. A picture of Jacob from earlier on in the day appeared on my screen. I blinked not knowing if I should take the call or not. The only thing I knew was that I couldn't allow myself to hurt him again. So, I answered it.

"Hello?" I sounded nasally and distant.

"Where are you?" Jacob exclaimed in an agitated tone. "Wait… are you crying? Is everything okay? You shouldn't have gone through the tunnels without me, Bells! Damnit. Are you lost? Look around and tell me where you're at. I promise I will come find you. Everything will be okay. Just don't talk to anyone…"

I rolled my eyes at his rambling. I took a look around at the end of the tunnel again trying to find a landmark or building or something that would tell me where I was. To my left was the stadium. A sign hanging on the back of the seats said Parking: RR.

"I'll meet you outside the stadium in parking lot RR." I hung up my phone without further explanation and waited.

Fear, disgust, and anger raged through me like a fire through a dry forest. My heart beat heavily in my chest. I was a ball of utter confusion, fearful of my own feelings, disgusted with those who I had thought was a part of my family, and angry with myself that I had chickened out of telling Jacob everything. Even though the temperature outside was still in the 80's, I was shivering. My bones rattled against the muscles that held them in place.

My confusion was founded on why I was so upset with Jacob. Maybe it was that he allowed me to walk away, although I had been the one to do so behind his back. Or I was upset that Jake permitted Billy to say things about me that was completely untrue. And maybe it was the fact that Jake looked back at me as though he could see a hint of truth in his father's completely unreliable words. Sure, I didn't know exactly what Billy said, but I imagined it was something like the conversation from December. And it was disgusting.

I paced back and forth at the mouth of the tunnel waiting to see Jake approach. About my fifth time back, Jake's figure popped out of a door just under the sign. He looked all around, panic strewn all over his face. I watched as he placed his hands on his hips and tried to catch his breath.

I stepped out of the dark tunnel and into the warm rain. The parking lot lights glowing illuminated my presence causing Jacob to turn toward me. He shielded his eyes from the light just as the stadium was shielding him from the rain. When he recognized that it was me, the rain did not hinder Jake's attempts at reaching me.

Jake sprinted toward me. I weepingly carried myself like a ton of bricks until we met directly under a sidewalk light post. I looked up to him, my chest heaving and vibrating with emotion. Jacob looked down to me, his face contorting as he noticed the tears trickling down my face.

"How much of that did you hear?" Jake's voice was low.

"Enough." I spat.

"I'm sorry, Bells. Dad is just… he's… " His words stumbled. "He's trying to protect me."

"From what? Me?" I exclaimed. The walls of my heart quivering as I saw the sadness build in Jake's eyes.

"I guess." Jacob shrugged. "I don't know what he thinks, Bella. But I promise you, it'll never happen again. He'll never say another bad thing about you!"

"It's not the first time I heard what was said." I countered his offer, trying my best to fight the beat in my chest telling me to shut up and kiss him.

"What? When?" Jake's eyes glazed over as he tried to recall a time when I could have possibly heard.

"December." I stated matter-of-factly. "How often does he… how many times?"

"I don't know, Bells." Jake's shoulders sagged in defeat. "A lot. A few. I don't know. I lost count."

I cocked my eyebrow at him.

"I'm just trying to look out for you. I don't like seeing you like this! This is exactly what I was afraid of!" Jake tossed his hands into the air. His words shielded by nothing but the rain.

Inside of me was a battle. My heart and my brain and my conscience battled over who should win, over what should be said, and how I should react. I had grown desperate and completely irrational. My wants of the trip floated away. Happiness wasn't in order. Instead, I had flown across the country to witness a conversation that broke my heart, to fear losing my best friend to the depths of fame and fortune, and to allow myself to fall even harder for him.

"I can't do this anymore, Jacob." The words were familiar, causing both of us to wince at the memories it flared. "I'm hurting." My lips shook as I spoke. "I'm hurting myself every second that I spend with you. I'm losing myself. I'm bending over backwards." I folded my arms over my chest, trying desperately to hold my heart in its place. "I'm breaking."

Each time I spoke of pain, hurt, and loss, Jacob visibly flinched. His stance crumbling with the words I had promised myself I would never say to him again. I had to protect myself. I had to protect him. And I was in the middle of the biggest mess I had ever seen.

"I can't be your _friend_ anymore."

"Friends?" Jake choked on the word. His eyes grew large and his eyebrows lifted. "That's what this is?"

I squeezed my sides to try to keep the pieces of myself together. "That's all we'll ever be, Jake."

Jacob's eyes fogged and his mouth trembled as he searched for something to say, but I didn't give him the chance. I turned quickly, just like the coward I really was, and began to walk away.

I was no more than twenty feet away when Jacob suddenly wrapped both of his arms around me. His chest heaved with panicky breaths and his heart pounded against my back. Jake's cheek pressed against mine. And with just a few words, he stopped me dead in my tracks.

"I promised you that I would never let you go again, Bella. I'm keeping that promise." His voice full of determination.

Jacob's hand gripped my shoulder. As he dropped one arm from around my chest, Jake spun me until I was facing him. His hazy, glossy onyx eyes stared lovingly at me until he squeezed them shut just as he pressed his lips firmly against mine.

In shock, my eyes widened. My lips stiffened. And then as I absorbed the moment and remembered Jake's promise, I caved into him – my lips softening and molding to his and my eyes fluttering shut. Warmth and tenderness fell upon me. My bones stopped rattling, and my hands sought out the thickness of Jake's hair. I squeezed my fist closed, strands of black weaving around my fingers.

I could feel us moving, but I was too drawn in by Jacob's kiss. His hands were all over me. Through my rain soaked shirt, I could feel the shake in his fingers, but he kept them in place, digging them deep into my flesh there, as he pushed us further and further toward something. When my back bumped against something solid, Jacobs tongue pushed past my lips and massaged my own. He groaned into my mouth, and I tugged him closer, desperately trying to satiate the thirst growing within me. But nothing he did at the moment was enough. So, I pushed my hands up his sopping wet shirt and gasped at the familiar feel of electricity, which quieted my ache just a bit. I still needed more. My thirst for Jacob was overwhelming. Lifting my leg, I hitched it around Jake's hip and pressed myself against him.

Jacob pulled his lips away and placed a hand over mine. "Bella, there are people watching."

My eyes popped open. Greeting me were the stares of about twenty people in the parking lot. All, I assumed, were left over tailgaters. One guy swayed from side to side as he stood still. I giggled a bit causing Jake to look over his shoulder. He chuckled quietly and stepped back just as the swaying guy fell over. When the crowd turned to help the fallen drunk, Jake grabbed my hand and sprinted across the parking lot.

He found his car quickly. Pressing the keyless entry, Jake opened my door. His lips devoured mine for a moment before he pulled away and asked me to get in. The drive to his apartment was thick with tension. My hands roamed Jake's body. They flirted with any exposed skin, and some not so exposed skin.

When we pulled into the parking lot, I jumped across the center console and landed on his lap. Jake thankfully kissed my lips. His tongue pressed past my lips without permission. I moaned softly and swiveled my hips against his. A deep growl exploded from Jake's lips. His fingers outlined the shape of my jaw. Jacob shifted his weight and sat himself up so my lips were a bit more accessible. The steering wheel rested against my arched back. Uncomfortably, I shifted with him and pulled my hips back and forth. His thickness rubbing along my aching and covered womanhood.

His movements, groans, and thrusts teasingly lured me in. Clothing blocked the way of my need, of my want. Only his beautifully russet skin against mine could quench the dying thirst inside of me. Reaching my hand down between us, I popped the button on Jacob's jeans and slid my hand inside. But there wasn't enough room between his constricting jeans and his sitting position for me to feel what I needed to feel. Jacob's mouth began an assault on my neck. His tongue traced the length, twirling and spinning in all of the right places. Goose bumps rose on my already sensitive skin.

"God, Jake." I whispered a muffled moan as his mouth latched onto my neck and suckled a bit.

He thrust his hips up as he gripped my jean covered hips. "I want you so fucking bad, Bells."

With that said, Jacob pushed me down by my hips just as he roughly jerked his hips up. Crashing onto him, I grumbled at our clothed state. Jacob read my mind and lifted my University of Florida t-shirt up over my breasts. The blackness of his eyes stared at the white lace material of my bra just before he traced his fingertips along the frill at the top of the cups. Jacob tugged the wet fabric until my nipple was accessible. He glanced up to me with a smug smirk, then bent forward and placed a kiss. I hissed at the lightness of his lips and the warmth that was spreading through my body. Jacob brought his tongue out the second time he kissed my nipple, his tongue flirting and lapping. I bit into my lip to keep from moaning any louder than I already was.

Rain pelted the fogging windshield. Lightning flashed against the dark night sky. Thunder cracked loudly, vibrating the interior of Jacob's car. The change in his console jingled mixing with the hums and groans of pleasure. Our movements were faulty at best, but we were working in a space made for one. My back stiffly arched and pressed against the steering wheel. Jacob was lodged somewhere between the seat and me. And together we moved, trying to create a friction that would please the both of us.

My thirst turned to hunger. I was starving like an emaciated skeleton. No matter what I did, it never quite relieved the burning in my empty stomach. I was dying from starvation. Jacob being the only food that could pull me through.

"Fuck!" I yelped when my knee slipped and slammed into the hard plastic console.

Just as frustrated with the situation as me, Jacob yanked the keys from his ignition and opened the door. I blinked. The realization that we were just a few hundred feet from his bedroom hit me all at once, and the hunger and thirst doubled. Anticipation controlled my movements as I stepped out of the car, leading us toward his apartment.

Stopping me every few feet, Jacob would plant his lips on mine, squeeze whatever part of my body he could at the moment, and grind himself roughly against me. And when he wasn't the one stopping us, I was. What should have been a minute or so walk to his apartment took twenty. The ample amount of people standing outside, the people gasping, watching, and taunting were hazy after thoughts. All I wanted was to feel Jacob bare and hard against me.

Jacob slammed the door open. I hopped into his arms, and he kicked the door shut. Our lips never so much as parted for a breath. Loud, obnoxious music and annoying voices clouded his seduction. Only once did he pull away from my lips and look around. He cocked his eyebrow, smirked, and slammed my back against the wall leading to his bedroom. His hands fell to my thighs, squeezing so hard that I was sure I would have hand-marks the following morning.

"I need you." I panted and grinded myself against him

Jacob's mouth parted from mine. He nipped at my jaw and journeyed his way to that spot on my neck that made my toes curl. Curving his back, Jacob drove himself against me. He hummed onto my skin as his hand held my face, his thumb resting on my throat. At the same time, he tightened his hold on my face and neck and fluttered his tongue against that spot again. A loud, boisterous moan bellowed into the air. It wasn't until after I heard it that I realized it was me who had groaned so loudly.

Gently, Jacob sat me on my feet and backed away from the wall just enough for me to stand on my own. His hand still situated along my jaw and throat. He leaned in to my ear and huskily whispered, "That's what I like to hear." His lips sucked the edge of my earlobe into his mouth causing me to shiver. "Now, you be a good girl and walk in front of me. I wouldn't want anyone else to see this." Jacob yanked me by the waist. I landed against him with a hollow thud and gasped at his throbbing erection against my stomach. He chuckled lightly with a smirk then leaned to whisper something into my ear again. "'Sides, I wanna see that tight little ass of yours sway."

My cheeks burned with a hot blush, but not at Jake's words. Those turned me on more than I ever thought possible. The blush came from this new side of Jacob that I had yet to meet. On several occasions, Jacob had thoroughly pleased me, but never once had he been so filled with want, desire, need, and passion. Both of us were so tightly wound-up and in dire need of expressing ourselves to the other that restraints were broken.

I bit into my lip and pressed my mouth against his one more time before I turned around and purposely swayed my hips a bit more than usual. Jacob noticed immediately as a low growl grumbled from him. Looking over my shoulder, I motioned for him. He followed behind me, his lip becoming the only way for him to express his frustrations. He sucked it into his mouth and bit down.

As soon as we were both inside his room, Jacob slammed the door and locked it. I carefully undressed myself not willing to wait on him to do it for me. He did the same, stepping closer with every item of clothing he removed.

Naked and wanting, Jacob wrapped his strong arms around my back and pulled me to him. Electricity shot from his skin to mine, and I relished in the comforting feel of it. Grabbing a hand full of my hair, Jake gently tugged my head back until my neck was exposed enough for him to trail his tongue from my collarbone to my jaw. Powerful kisses were placed along my jaw-line. And when his lips met mine, I saw a flash of lightening. Electrical shocks zoomed through my body while our tongues rubbed and massaged together.

Grunts and groans mixed as they met at our joined lips. Jacob reached down and grabbed my thighs just below my ass. In one swift motion, he lifted me and locked my legs around his waist. His hardness brushed against my wet folds. The contact made me whimper – the need to feel closer to him still predominant in my mind. There was only one thing that would relieve the hunger growing inside of me.

Jacob placed me on the bed. Our bodies never lost contact in the move. He rested above me. His thickness throbbed and twitched against my moist womanhood. I scarcely moved my hips up causing him to slide along my aching center. I breathed out a tightly held sigh. Jacob gasped and angled his hips downward. Simultaneously, he gripped my hip and lifted it up just enough to where my entrance stretched at his head.

It was then that I realized how stupid my decision to go off of birth control had really been. Sure I was trying to prove my love to Jacob in some weird-fucked-up way, but I couldn't allow myself to move forward in a time of lust and hastiness. After all of the talks he had confessed to having with Billy, the last thing I wanted to do was somehow show Jacob I was anyway but genuine. I was pretty sure that if I ended up pregnant it might come across as something else entirely.

"C-c-c-ond-oms." I sputtered as Jacob's hand squeezed and his muscles tensed. "Condoms! Condoms!" I continued. The air in my lungs whooshed out of me when Jacob pulled back and released my hips. He pressed his forehead to mine and begrudgingly exhaled.

"Fuck." Jacob squeezed his eyes shut. As he reopened them, the hazy lust in them cleared away ever so lightly. "I don't have anything, Bells." He grumbled, keeping his body as still as possible. It was almost as though he knew if we moved as little as a centimeter that we'd both lose all control.

"Nothing?" I whined, looking around the room as though one would appear out of nowhere.

"None."

"Then…I mean… you don't… without?" I tried to ask. The question was a bad idea in such a need filled moment, but I was panicking.

"I don't period." Jacob replied with disbelief. His voice was edgy and husky. Jacob tipped his head and kissed my lips with a little less want and a lot more sweetness.

A loud banging tore our lips apart. We both turned our heads toward the door, which vibrated as another pounding fist hit it. Jake rolled his eyes.

"Fuck! What?" He agitatedly growled. "I'm kinda fuckin' busy."

No one answered. Instead of an explanation, something slid under the door. The sound turned both of our attention to the sliding of a foil package across the hardwood floor. Jacob impatiently jumped to his feet and picked it up. I expected the package to be only one condom, but as Jake lifted it a string of condoms fell, and he smirked. My eyes wildly fell over the foil packages, counting six of them. Sprinting to the door, Jacob beat on it with his fist. Appreciation etched across his face.

"You're welcome!" Riley yelled over the loud, muffled, rhythmic music.

I blushed. How long had he been listening?

"Thanks, but quit fucking eavesdropping." Jacob laughed.

"Fuck you. You'll both love me in the morning." Riley's thick Australian accent chuckled and disappeared into the thumping of the song.

Jacob tore a single condom off and threw the others on his night stand. Wasting no time, he settled himself back between my legs. My core still dripped and throbbed needing to be filled completely by him. The hunger in my stomach growing as if I were standing in front of a giant buffet knowing that I could devour every last bit of food there. I groaned a noisy whimper at the feel of Jake resting against my womanhood again. Jake moaned against my ear. His hips grinded against mine, the length of him rubbing roughly against my bundle of nerves. Without hesitation, Jacob worked us back up to the boiling point we had been at just moments prior.

"Jake," I whimpered. "I need you inside me."

I lifted my hips, aligning him and my entrance again. He pressed forward more this time, sliding a mere inch inside of me, unprotected. "More." I muttered incoherently. Instead of fulfilling my demand, Jacob slid out, sat back on his knees, ripped the foil with his teeth, and rolled the condom on. He shifted his weight forward a bit, gripped onto my hip roughly, and pushed all the way inside of me in one, swift motion.

I yelped out his name. My hunger now fulfilled with his thrusting, swiveling, and gyrating hips. He roughly brought me up to meet his thrust. His thumbs dug deep into my flesh as he plummeted in and out of me. Jacob stared down at my face, watching every gasp, groan, and whine fall off of my lips. The coil in my stomach tightened to a dangerous level. The ecstasy circulating at heights I had never before been to, causing me to squeeze my eyes shut.

Jacob released my hips and leaned forward, his mouth captivating mine in a swirl of lips and tongue. The palm of his hand met my cheek as he pulled his lips from mine, his hot breath drying the wetness there. His thumb ran across my bottom lip as he picked up his pace. I closed my eyes again when the ever familiar burn began to grow. Immediately his hand rested lightly on my neck, tipping my head up to his.

"Look at me." Jacob's gravelly voice demanded.

My eyes answered his command only to be greeted with the darkest of onyx filled with a hazy lust, which lured me to let go. And I did. Suddenly, I worked myself against him just as roughly, just as intensely, and just as lovingly. The tight, burning coil inside of me broke releasing me from its confines. My muscles twitched as my womanhood contracted around Jacob's thickness. My mere yelps before turned to screams, burning my throat as they escaped me. Jake greedily pulled and pushed into me. His face contorted with pleasure. Unable to withstand the bliss any longer, Jacob pressed his forehead to my shoulder. His breaths came out heavy and hard. His lips kissed my shoulder. And with one final thrust he grunted against my shoulder, mouth agape.

My body still shuddered in pleasure when Jacob started to place light, feathery kisses all over my face. A smirk tweaked at his lips as blood returned to our brains. He placed one chaste kiss on my lips before climbing off of me and heading across the bedroom to the trash can in the corner of the room. I sat up on my elbows long enough to watch his muscles move fluidly under his russet skin. I licked my lips, feeling that thirst I had felt before pick up again.

Would I ever get enough of him?

I doubted it, and that was perfectly fine with me. As Jake climbed back into bed next to me, I released my elbows and allowed exhaustion to fall over me. My eye lids fell, heavy with sleep. Jacob pulled a blanket from the end of the bed up and over the both of us. I succumbed to the exhaustion and ease floating through my veins. It was funny really; falling asleep in Jake's bed was almost like floating on clouds.

I awoke a few hours later on my stomach. My back uncovered, the blanket being dragged down by fingertips that grazed my back. As my skin was exposed to the elements of the room, Jacob's lips needily kissed. Goose bumps rose over my skin.

"What are you doing?" I whispered into the quiet night. My eyes still tightly sealed

"Shhh." He whispered. The warm air parting his lips tingled across my back. "It's been so long, Bells. And I only have a few hours left with you."

"Jake…" I tried to interject, to tell him that if it was left up to me we'd have forever.

But instead of allowing me to talk, Jacob interrupted. "I'm taking full advantage of my time with you." He lifted the blanket completely from the two of us. The cool air of the room caused a shiver to float down my spine. The bed gave way and suddenly, Jacob ran his tongue down the center of my spine. A wave of aftershock shivers vibrated my vertebrae. His tongue disappeared for a moment and the weight on the bed shifted. I opened my eyes long enough to see his hand reach for a condom from the night stand. Successfully, he retrieved one of the five left.

My skin chilled as I listened to him toy with the foil package. The stretching of the condom urged me to arch my back and press my ass into the air. Jake's breath left him quickly. And just as quickly, I felt his weight against my back. He pressed his cheek against mine. With heavy panting breaths, Jacob reached between us and placed himself at my slick entrance.

This time his movements were well thought out and patient. Need, want, lust, and passion were still there, but disguised by deliberate movements. I found myself gripping handfuls of his sheets in no time. The urgency and hastiness from before incredibly absent this time around. His thrusts were solid and long. His breaths were giant heaves of satisfaction. And when my body succumbed to his, yet again, Jacob allowed himself to release, adding a new, unfounded level to the intimacy between us.

For the following twelve hours, Jacob and I used the rest of the four condoms on his night stand. Our bodies acted as though we were addicted to each other. Although my trip to Florida for the weekend was to try to prove to Jake how much he meant to me without sex, it was the sex with him that expressed the way I felt. And I had a sneaking suspicion that Jake had allowed his heart to speak through his body during that sixteen hour night.

I wore a smile proudly as Jacob guided me through the airport. He had volunteered to bring me. He said it was the only way he would allow me to go. And as I stood at security, waiting to get in line, Jacob tightly squeezed my hand.

"I want you to stay." He blurted out. His words well spoken and bold.

My mouth fell open. I looked to him with bulging eyes. Staying with him was what I wanted more than anything, but I knew I couldn't. "Jake, I can't. I have school, work…"

"I know. Call me a selfish bastard, but everything is better when you're here." Jacob looked to the floor and brought his arm up and around my waist. "I like having my best friend at my beck and call."

_Best friend._

I winced. Hadn't he said just the day before that we weren't just friends? My heart thudded in my chest.

"Stay one more day." He pleaded. "Think about it."

Jacob brought his lips to the side of my head and kissed. His gesture was thoughtful and sweet. My heart skipped beats in my chest, and my fears of him not feeling the same for me wasted away. But still, I could not follow through with asking him if he loved me.

"I can't, Jake." I sighed, not wanting to let him down, but knowing that there was no way I could stay – even if I wanted to. "I have to graduate."

Jacob nodded his head in defeat. The look on his face had me wanting to blurt out a thousand I love you's, but I lost my tongue. The words lodged in my throat. Besides, how would it work being thousands of miles apart?

"Well… If you change your mind, the offer is there." Jake leaned in and kissed the corner of my mouth, lingering for a few seconds before sliding his lips onto mine and chastely pecking them.

I nodded. "Okay. You're coming home for New Years right?"

"With bells on." Jake laughed.

I rolled my eyes. "I'll see you then. After that… just one more semester until we're both free from school and you're off playing professionally."

"Hopefully." He plastered a fake smile on his face.

I looked toward the growing security line. "I'll see you soon?"

"Of course. Call when you get back." Jacob reached out and snuggly hugged me to his chest. His lips pressed to my forehead. "Have a safe trip home."

I perched up onto my tip toes and planted a sweet, love filled kiss on his plump lips. A smirk worked at the corner of Jacob's mouth, which spread into a full-blown, bright-as-the-sun smile as he walked away. Tears pooled in my eyes and fell like rain drops as I followed the line of security. Going back home was the last thing I wanted to do, especially since I was Jake's.


	25. Jacob: Part 3: Peaceful Serenity

**Disclaimer:**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Suggested Listening: **Boys Like Girls - Two Is Better Than One; The Maine - Saving Grace; Usher - Daddy's Home; Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love _(Thank you to TanjaR_83 for the suggestion!);_The Fray - Hundred; Nick Lachey - This I Swear; Wiz Khalifa - Black & Yellow; Chris Cornell - Sunshower.

The months following last August, I floated on clouds like bubbles floating in the air. My feet never touched the ground. My head and heart stuck in the humid, sticky Florida ambiance. Everyone noticed a difference in me. I had become this smiling girl who wore her happiness on her sleeve. I didn't overthink. I accepted. With that acceptance came happiness, on both of our parts.

Jacob visited for a few days on New Year's just as he had promised right before I left Florida. I didn't see much of the New Year as Jake had whisked me off into a land filled with ecstasy, desire, and intense pleasure. The four walls of his bedroom witnessed the sleep-lacking nights and steam filled days. When we weren't in the bedroom, we were showering or quickly finding something to eat. Luckily, Dad and Billy were off on their annual fishing trip of the New Year. Marybelle and Sue ventured to Seattle, pampering themselves with a spa retreat weekend. Many apologies were given for such little time spent with Jacob, but he simply shrugged his shoulders and smirked wickedly at me, want fogging his eyes.

Our last semester of college kicked off the same as the rest. Skype sessions were had. Phone sex used as an outlet. And a thousand "I miss you's" covered my need to blurt out how much I truly loved him. I never did. What benefits could I possibly have with him being so far away all of the time? It wouldn't make sense to put the added pressure on his shoulders. So, I kept that detail to myself. He'd find out. I was sure of it.

Then came April, the month of the NFL draft and spring break.

I scooped a handful of bubbles and brought them to my mouth. Perching my lips together, I blew out a slow and steady breath, watching a bit of foam catch the wave of air. The bundle of bubbles surfed the air, floating and tumbling, until it landed atop the sporadically bubble covered tanned leg that rested along the edge of the ceramic tub. I brought my hand to the mound of bubbles and swiped it across the hairy leg, spreading it more evenly.

"Sit up for a minute?" Jacob quietly asked.

And as I did so, a mountain of bubbles fell from the top of the water and onto the floor. Water splashed in waves as Jake scooted down the tub just slightly. When he was comfortable again, Jacob placed his hands on my soapy shoulders and tugged me back against his wet chest. As soon as I was within reach again, Jacob grabbed a palm full of bubbles and placed them on the top of my head. His comfort meshed into me, soothing my heart and soul. I giggled and allowed him the serenity of doing whatever he pleased.

No matter how old we were, bubbles had turned us from young adults to toddlers in seconds. Jake and I had spent that early April morning making love. Our bodies woven in and out of the others in pure bliss, pure happiness. Together and alone, we were perfectly okay, knowing where the other stood without the need for syllables. There had been a moment, a moment of serenity that blanketed the two of us, and that was when we found our inner child, dousing the entire bathroom with bubbles. Slipping and falling, we laughed until we cried, until our muscles were sore. And that was when we found rest in the porcelain tub filled to the brim with bubbles and water, which haphazardly splashed with any movement.

I looked toward Jacob's legs. One rested tightly against mine and the wall of the tub. The other found rest the only place that it could, atop the edge. I, then, looked toward my pale white legs that were almost stretched out. Jake and I were almost complete opposites. I spoke what I felt – most of the time. There was only one exception to that rule, and he just so happened to be the man I had fallen in love with. Jacob, on the other hand, rarely shared his feelings, and when he did it was out of pure and utter frustration. He was a guarded soul, but a tender one all the same. Only a few kindred spirits were allowed to shine a light into the darkness of Jake's heart. I was one of those people, and I appreciated it.

"Jake?" I played with the bubbles floating on the surface of the water as I spoke.

"Hmm?" His response resonated in his chest as a hum.

"Why..._me_?"

Whatever sculpture he was making out of bubbles on my head was abandoned as the words left my lips. He took a deep, steady breath. I felt him shrug his shoulders as he started to add to his masterpiece on my head.

"You're special."

"Special how?" I palmed another mountain of bubbles.

"I don't know. You just are." Jacob thoughtfully spoke. His words chosen methodically.

I could have pried for a better answer, but even that little bit made my heart stammer in my chest.

"What are you doing?" I cocked my eyebrow and tilted my head trying to see what he was going on my head.

"Fixing your hair." Jacob's deep voice bounded. "You are going to look just ma'velous after I'm done with you girlfriend." He spoke sassily with a bit of a lisp.

"Uhm…" I sat up. "I'm not sure that I'm willing to take a bubble bath with my hair dresser."

"Sit your ass back." Jake gripped my shoulders and pulled me back with a splash. My head landed against his chest, and I titled it up so that I could look into his beautifully black eyes. I found a grin sprawled across Jake's full plump lips. That grin caused an army of butterflies to set flight in my stomach. Placing his thumb and forefinger on my chin, Jake lifted my lips barely enough to reach his own. Just before he pressed his lips to mine, he glanced to the bubbles on my head and chuckled. "I'm sorry. I can't take you seriously like this."

"Like what?" I puzzled, lifting my hand to my head.

"Mohawk's aren't your thing in case you were wondering." Jake laughed. My shocked expression as my hand hit a six inch gathering of bubbles on top of my head sent Jacob into a fit of laughter. His chest shook as he cackled. He leaned far back against the back of the tub, stretching his lean muscular body as it constricted with laughter.

Embarrassment crept up my neck and to my cheeks, but I couldn't hold back the laughter rolling around in my belly. There was something about watching Jake be so carefree and happy that made my heart swell to the point that I could feel it ricocheting off my ribcage. He was beautiful when he laughed. The lines his smile created brightened his already intriguing features. I was sure there was nothing about him that was unattractive, and I was lucky, so very lucky, that this man wanted me. In that moment, it stopped mattering what the status of our relationship was. He was comfort. He was warmth. He was love. He was happiness. He was my best friend and lover. He was my heart. Jacob Black had become so many things to me that the need for him to take another position in my life faded. Jake was exactly who he needed to be. And I was thankful for that.

Once our laughs had slowed to giggles and the warm water started to cool, I slid to the end of the tub. Water splashed over the edges, cascading down like a waterfall. The bubbles we had been bathing in floated in lakes of water on the tiled floor leaving sporadic mountains of foam in the tub. Lifting the stopper, I allowed a few inches of water to drain. When I was satisfied with the lower water level, I dropped the stopper and spun the hot water knob, reveling in the warmth heating the now cool water. Jake groaned and rested his head against the tiled wall. He closed his eyes and reached out with open arms. I shut the water off and slipped my hands into his, allowing him to pull my chest against his. Jacob ran his hand across my head, removing the leftover mound of my bubble Mohawk. His hands slid down my slippery, sud covered back and into the water. One hand lost all contact with my skin while the other rested gently against my naked hip.

I watched Jake breathe in relaxing breaths and then pressed my ear against his chest. The air met his lungs with airy wisps. The sound lulled me into a state of utter repose. Tension, worry, hurt, defeat – all left with each exhale, and with every inhale came peace, serenity, comfort, and hope.

There are moments in life when everything cohesively comes together. And there are moments in life when everything collides head-on. While the latter is more dramatic, more intriguing to some, it's the cohesiveness, the meshing, the peaceful tranquility between you and someone else that braids your souls together. That peaceful tranquility is rare and hard to find; it's not about your interests, your hobbies, or your upbringing. It's about the exactness of the others soul compared to your own. It's about your other half filling that emptiness inside.

I was in that moment. I was living it, breathing it. It was easy. It was kind. It was patient and true. Every regret, every tear, every fear grew fainter with each passing second until there were no such things.

"Bella," Jake cleared the relaxation from his throat. "I want you to come with me when… if I get drafted."

I sighed into his beautiful russet skin. "You'll get drafted, Jake. I have no doubt about that."

"I hope so." His voice quivered just slightly.

"You will. Don't worry about it. I have faith in you." I wiped away a patch of bubbles in the center of his chest and kissed his skin softly.

Jacob's hand pushed up my back and came to a rest between my shoulder blades. His thumb swiped across the skin there. "Will you, though? Come with me?"

"I'd love to Jake," I stopped.

"But…" I heard the frustration in his voice.

"_But_ I have a great job in Forks. Alex is ready to hand me the director of instruction and activities position. That's not just a position I can apply for anywhere else." I titled my head up, watching Jacob's reaction. He watched me speak, his eyes firmly planted on my lips. "If I go to a different state, a different aquarium, I'm going to take a huge demotion."

His brows pulled taut. "I like having you around. I like you being here."

"I need to live my life too, ya know? I can't just follow my best friend around all the time."

"But what if I'm drafted to play somewhere just as far away? You still won't consider it?"

"I don't think you can get any further from me than Florida." I jokingly laughed.

"I'm serious!" Jake grumbled. His agitation came out as a roll of his eyes.

"I don't want you to be any further away. I want to be as close to you as I can be, but without having to sacrifice my career, my life in the process. Does that make sense?" I asked.

Jacob nodded, but his eyes were off somewhere in the distance. I hoped I hadn't said anything wrong. I hoped that I hadn't pushed him away just when it felt like he was getting closer. Worry and rejection covered Jake's native features. And as he snapped back into the present, he sat up, inadvertently pushing me to my knees. As our skin lost contact, Jake brought both of his hands to my waist and pulled me toward him. His lips sought out mine and he fervently kissed me.

One of Jake's hands followed the curve of my waist and the roundness of my hips until he reached my thigh, it was then that he gripped it and pulled it until my leg was wrapped around his waist. Just as his other hand slid down my other side to do the same to my other leg, Jacob brought the fingers of his opposite hand to the back of my neck and pressed his forehead to mine.

"I can't lose you." Jacob said into my lips. His black as black eyes bored a hole through mine.

"You're not going to." I shook my head as I answered and placed my mouth upon his, my tongue seeking out the revelry of his.

Softly, Jake groaned into my kiss. His tongue retreated to his mouth and mine to my own. I whimpered at the loss of contact, but brushed our noses together ease the loss.

"Promise?" He asked, a genuine concern thick in his voice.

"I swear." I whispered softly against his plump lips as they grazed together with every Eskimo kiss.

Taking the initiative, Jacob circled his arms around me – one hand firmly pressed against the small of my back and the other drifted upward to my hair. His fingers tightened around the strands as he pushed our lips together in an anxious kiss. He kissed me as though I was the oxygen that filled his lungs and he was suffocating.

Desperation poured from his lips and onto mine. There was something he needed to say, something that worried him beyond all comprehension, and it was that something that flooded him with desperate need. His hips pressed up against me. The frantic ache Jacob had for me throbbed against my most delicate parts. His tongue dove deep inside my mouth and desperately sought out mine. The firm hold he had on me tightened. The palms of his hands flexed and then released as his fingers massaged the muscles of my back.

Our lips parted as Jacob brought his head back enough to stare up into my eyes. With his large russet hands, he pressed his palm against my back, lifting my hips just far enough to align himself with my womanhood. With a focused gaze, Jacob slowly but steadily entered me. His mouth fell ajar. A strangled whimper creaked out of my throat.

It had been so long since I had felt him with no barrier, no protection, that a passion fueled fire ignited in me. No amount of reason could control it. There would be no extinguishing of the flames that torched any thought except the feel of him stretching me and filling me. I was burning from the inside out. Heat and ecstasy controlled my every breath, thought, and movement.

In Jacob's eyes, I watched that same fire burn. And when I swiveled my hips just slightly a low, feral groan rolled out of his throat and past his already parted lips. He squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath. The hand that had been on the small of my back gripped my hip and tightened.

"Don't move." He whispered. "I can't…" He took another deep breath and held it for a moment. I took advantage of his vulnerability and circled my hips once more. "God, Bella." He swallowed thickly and tried to steady his breath. "Give me a second."

Giggling softly, I smirked and leaned my mouth to his. Jacob's grip tightened on my hip at the miniscule movements I had unintentionally made. I knew he was losing control and that was perfectly okay with me. This time it was about him, about what he wanted to say… what he needed to say, but couldn't.

"Show me." I begged against his lips. I needed to feel the desperation in him. I needed to know how he felt, and if sex was the only way he could show it, then I had to allow him to truly express his feelings.

Jacob cupped my cheeks and pressed his forehead against mine. Leaving a chaste kiss on my lips, Jacob pushed inside of me. I worked my hips slowly but vigorously in conjunction with his. His thrusts were smooth, hard, and desperate. His touch was delicate and tender. His stare fully upon mine. Our bodies were as close as two people could be, but yet for him it didn't seem to be enough.

With gasping breaths, Jacob closed his eyes. His cheeks flushed pink. A myriad of emotions crossed his face. His onyx eyes fluttered open and what I found there was nothing short of miraculous. Instead of walls and barriers, I was roaming free on a mountain of bubbles. Clouds soared above me. The wind whistled and swirled encompassing me with love. It wasn't just any love. It was the truest and most profound of loves. It was unconditional and full of purpose. It was raw and untamed.

There was a desperate need to keep me in his world, behind every wall and barrier he'd ever had. And with every desperate push and pull, Jacob took me further into the recesses of his soul, setting every last inch of my skin on fire.

My body grinded against Jacob's. Our climax just a finger breadth away. But, I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to leave this place full of love. I didn't want the walls to alienate me from the world inside of him. Because, there, I could feel him. I could feel every last inch of myself being surrounded by his loving embrace and his careful thoughts.

Tears sprang to my eyes. I fought to hold them back, but their purpose was far more important than my pride. As they dripped from my eyes, Jacob watched them roll down my lust-blushed cheeks. His bottom lip shook as his movements became more desperate, sporadic. Jacob wanted me to stay in that world too, and without the raw and untamed moment we were in, he would be lost as to how. Pulling his bottom lip into his mouth, Jacob bit down to try to stop the quaking, but the biting didn't help. Instead his lip slipped free and trembled nervously. He looked back into my eyes, his gaze intense and free. After locking me in his desperate, emotionally-charged stare, Jacob gave into the fate of the situation. Resting his head against my neck, Jacob gingerly began to pound into me.

My body stuttered, shivered, and vibrated with every swift thrust of his hips. My toes curled. My fingers dug into the skin of Jacob's back, and as I exhaled a quivering breath, the tension in my muscles disappeared as they jerked and convulsed in rapture. The more I convulsed and squeezed, the less control Jacob had on his movements. Deep, throaty growls rumbled through him. Desperately, Jake kissed and nipped at my neck, no doubt trying to distract himself from the way our bodies moved so cohesively. But nothing he did could keep him from the inevitable end.

His fingertips dug into my flesh. His growls turned to gasps for air and a second later, his throat opened up to a loud satisfactory moan. Jacob twitched with each gasping breath. His heart pounded rapidly against my chest.

As a cloud of bliss fell upon the two of us, our bodies relaxed. Jacob leaned against the back of the tub, his arms still tightly wound around me. With my ear to his chest, I listened to his heart rate come back to normal and felt the walls start to rebuild themselves, not out of habit but fear.

That night sleep whisked me away. My dreams were filled with sunshine, love, and warm wind. Jake tossed and turned throughout the night, and I was thankful that his bed was so big. Even with the size of the bed, Jake's flops, flips, and huffs woke me from my slumber more often than not. It was well into the morning, probably five or so, when I felt a finger jab my ribs. I kept my eyes tightly shut and swatted away the hand that was poking me.

"Bella." Jake whispered. His finger jabbed me another dozen or so times. "Are you awake?"

"No." I grumbled, folding my arm over my face. "I'm not."

"Then why are you talking?"

Rhetorical questions annoyed me, especially when I was trying to sleep. So, I ignored the constant jabs to my ribs and his silly question. And as much as I wanted to be aggravated, annoyed, and angry with him, Jacob made it entirely impossible. Not only was he jabbing me in the ribs with his thick, strong finger, but he was whining like a puppy who needed attention. I remembered the way he used to whine as a kid and that sad pathetic look on his face – the one where his bottom lip jutted out and his forehead wrinkled with determination. I knew he was making that face. I could see it in my mind, but I couldn't keep from taking one glance. Lifting my arm just slightly, I peeked around my elbow to see Jacob's pouty lip and a pair of bright onyx eyes staring at me. He whined again and then sniffed back a pretend cry.

"Oh god, you're pathetic." I covered my eyes, knowing that I wouldn't be able to fight his cute pouty face if I looked at it any longer. "How old are you again?"

"Twenty-two." Jake answered then returned to his pouty face.

"Are you sure about that?" I peaked around my arm again and just as I did, he pushed his bottom lip out once more. Quickly I covered my eyes.

Instead of answering, Jake whined even louder. This time his whine was higher pitched and made my heart constrict. "Fine! I'm up." I uncovered my eyes fully. Jacob smiled, victoriously. "What do you want at five in the morning?"

"Let's go to the beach." Jacob brushed a strand of my hair off of my forehead.

"Did you hear the part about it being five in the morning?"

Jake sheepishly nodded. "Yeah, but… Bells today is the day that I find out if I'm drafted or not. Today is the day that my career is chosen for me. And I'm _dying."_

I laughed. "You're not dying. It's called anticipation, nervousness, anxiety."

"I know what it's called. I just… I can't sit in this apartment all day long and wait for my agent to call. I have to keep my mind off of it." Jacob rolled to his back. He brought one arm up behind his head while the other hand sought out refuge in mine. He pushed his fingers into the spaces between mine, and I could feel the shake in them.

"What time are they supposed to call?" I squeezed his hand and scooted closer to him. I rested my head against his bicep. My free hand traced the outline of his abdominal muscles.

"I don't know. Could be nine in the morning or five in the evening. It just depends on when I get drafted and where I go." Jacob's voice lowered.

Thoughtful silence passed. Time ticked away, and I was surprised in the way my presence seemed to comfort Jacob – even if it were only just a little bit. I could understand his need to leave the apartment and make the time pass as quickly as he could. Traveling to the beach would get his mind off of things. Or maybe it would even help him think more clearly. Either way, I was going to give in to his idea – even at five in the morning.

After an uneventful drive to Jacksonville Beach, Jacob and I found a naked spot on the sand far away from anyone or anything. The dark night sky started to glow orange, red, and yellow, illuminating the almost black water. Jake spread out a blanket we'd brought with us. I sat with my legs crossed under me while Jake sat eerily close, his shoulder brushing against mine, with his arms looped around his bent knees. The long black strands of ponytail tickled at my unclothed arms with each gust of wind. And every time the wind blew, his warm, masculine musk circled me. His smell, the brush of his arm against mine, the rising sun, and the perfect feeling in my heart had me settle my head on his shoulder with a sigh.

"What are you sighing about?" Jake asked. His voice was full of peace.

"I'm…" I smiled, "happy."

"Yeah." Jake agreed and rested his head on mine. "Me too."

"I never thought we would be this good." I stated my eyes staring toward the glowing water.

"I know what you mean." He paused for a second. "It can always get better."

His statement haunted me with its peculiar truth. The only way things could be any better was if he told me that he loved me, just like I knew he did. I wasn't going to push him, because there would be no victory in a spiteful "I love you." I wanted him to voluntarily tell me. It had to be his own freewill; otherwise, I would be left feeling like he settled. And Jake didn't deserve to settle. He deserved the world. And he was about to receive it. I was ninety-nine percent sure that sometime today our happiness would be torn to shreds with a simple phone call. As much as I had played off not caring about how far away Jacob would be, it truly bothered me. I wanted to go with him. I wanted it so badly, but not without those three little words. Those words would change my life – either way.

Comfortably and peacefully, Jake and I watched the sunrise. The oceanic sounds amplified the easiness of it all. It lulled the doubts in my heart. There was so much beauty in the moment. How do you properly explain the perfectness of being next to the other half of yourself? I didn't feel like I had to talk, to share. It was simple, easy, beautiful, kind. Being with your soul-mate was like time standing still. It was a peaceful serenity that bellowed with love and happiness.

I pondered how Jake felt for a second or two, but then he let out a heavy lung full of air and lifted his arm around my shoulders. Jacob tugged me into his side, protecting me from the elements of the outside world. I adjusted my head on his shoulder as he adjusted his head on mine.

"You know…I care about you right?" Jacob whispered quietly. His words were as light as the air he breathed.

I did know he cared about me. And hearing him say it sent a flood of love through my veins. That statement was as close as I would get to hearing him say "I love you". Jake just didn't say things like that. I rarely heard him speak those words, and the times I had… he followed it up with something about our friendship. We were far past the definition of a friendship, and if I heard him mention one thing about us just being friends, I was sure that I would fall out of this peace I had been cocooned in.

"Yes." I answered.

A few minutes passed before he said anything else. "And you care about me right?"

Fear strickened me. I knew if I opened my lips, then I would tell him just how much I cared. But, I couldn't do that to him. Why? Because he was about to have his biggest dreams come true. Jacob was about to be drafted into the NFL, and I did not want to be that one thing that pulled him down. I did not want to be that girl who kept the love of her life from doing what he was so desperately meant to do. I wasn't going to hold him back, not in the slightest. So, I nodded, my head shaking exuberantly.

"_That_ makes _me_ happy." Jake tilted his head and kissed my forehead. Love seeping through his lips and into my skin. The air electrified as he pressed his lips harder against my head instead of pulling them away. They tightened firmly as if he were keeping words at bay. My heart tripled its pace. I exhaled hard and fast, allowing tears to spring to my eyes as a smile spread across my cheeks. Knowing that my caring made him happy, well, it shut-up those hateful doubts and fear. It settled the back-and-forth in my heart. It eased the ache for those words – for now.

We rested on the sand for hours watching the sun rise higher and higher in the sky. As it did, Jacob and I adjusted our positions until we were lying on our backs. The Florida heat soon became too unbearable, so Jacob rented a jet ski. Once we were changed and I had applied plenty of sunscreen, Jacob took us out onto the water. The spray of the ocean water cooled my scorching skin. I reveled in the feel of being surrounded by the very things I loved the most on the world: Jacob and all things oceanic. The smile on my face couldn't be removed not even when Jacob hit a wave from the side, tossing me from the back. I, simply, laughed and bobbed in the water while Jacob quickly returned.

"God. Bells, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" His expression showed the concern leaking in his voice.

"I'm fine, Jake. I promise." I laughed. He reached out his hand for me and pulled me onto the back of the jet ski again.

"Alright." He said. "Just don't do that again. Hold on tighter if you have to."

With that said, I took his offer for granted and held onto his waist so tightly that he had to wiggle his hips to regain circulation. He chuckled at my hold and revved the jet ski pushing us both back with forceful vengeance. Luckily, I held on firmly until the jet ski tugged us forward at speeds that had me gasping for air and burying my head into Jacob's back.

Come mid-day, we found a cozy little restaurant by the boardwalk for lunch. We talked like best friends would, but under the table his hand reached out for me. He laced our fingers together, and when he did, I couldn't help but blush. The fact that no one else knew that he was holding my hand or that the night before we had made passionate love in a bubble bath or that at any minute our time together could be cut short because of his future career was exhilarating. I felt special, like I was that one thing in his life that he needed, but no one else could know. It was a crazy thought, really, but I liked it because those theories made me more than just a friend.

After lunch, we headed to the boardwalk. Carnival rides, games, and food were on nearly every inch of the boardwalk. Jacob found haven in a game room. I watched him beat nearly every game in the building, winning so many tickets that my arms, his pockets, and hands were full. As we left, Jacob spied a little dark-haired girl playing a Whack-A-Mole game. She wasn't quite fast enough to hit one mole let alone the five that kept popping up. But she was determined, her tiny face scrunched as she waited patiently for each mole to pop-up. Jacob tilted his head just slightly to the side while he watched. He looked back at me and cocked his eyebrow. His smile spread wide across his face as he motioned for my armful of tickets we were never going to cash in. I handed the tickets over, and my heart melted into a gooey puddle.

Just when the game came to a stop and it spit out only one ticket, Jacob knelt next to the little girl and cleared his throat.

"Woah! Look at that!" Jake pointed at the score above the game. "That's a pretty good score."

"Thanks!" The girl giggled, obviously swooning over Jake's good looks and smile-of-gold.

"I bet you all these tickets that I can't beat that score."

The little girl's bright blue eyes widened. She looked over the mound of tickets in his arms and then back to a woman I suppose was her mother, who was sitting on a bench just a few feet away. A smile and a wink from the girl's mom was all the encouragement she needed. She stuck her hand out, shaking on the bet like some gambling addict would.

"My daddy says if you shake on a bet, then you can't go back on it." She spouted off stepping way from the machine allowing Jacob to step in and push in his last two tokens.

What I saw next was the funniest but sweetest site I had ever seen. Jacob pretended to try is hardest. His tongue stuck out of the corner of his mouth. He fumbled with the mallet, unable to keep it in his hand. He jumped when the moles popped up and sighed when they went back down. Every so often, Jake made sure to tap a mole on the head. To celebrate he and the little girl would high five and then he'd "forget" he was playing the game and try to catch back up by hitting all of the holes that no moles were coming from. By the end of the little charade, Jacob was just one point behind the girl he'd befriended. Once the game was over, Jacob whispered something into the little girl's ear that made her eyes light up. He, then, emptied his pockets, shook the mother's hand, and made his way to me, pecking my cheek with a gentle kiss.

The rest of the day flew by in a flash. We rode nearly every carnival ride they had, everything from the creaky, rusted Ferris wheel to the smelly, whiplash encouraging bumper cars to the mosquito infested mini-golf. Jacob had succeeded in taking his own mind off of the phone call he should be receiving any time. The later on in the day it became, the more distant both Jacob and I became to the other. While we shared an ice cream cone, Jacob dug his phone from his pocket and tossed it on the table between us. His hand rested on the top of the phone.

"Jake." I glanced around for a moment to make sure no one was watching and then placed my hand over his. "They'll call."

"How can you be so positive?" Jake grumbled licking at the chocolate vanilla swirl ice cream. He flexed his jaws and squinted his eyes staring at the napkin surrounding the cone.

"Because I have faith in you." I smiled as a gust of warm wind blew around me almost pleading with me to continue. "And because you're amazing at what you do. That field is where you're supposed to be. It's where your heart is. Nothing will ever get in the way of that."

Taking the cone from his hand, I licked at the vanilla parts. When I pulled the cone away, a dribble of melted chocolate ice cream trickled onto my lips. I released Jake's hand and covered my mouth, licking at the leftovers. Satisfied that I had gotten the chocolate from my lips, I dropped my hand. Jake watched my hand fall. The closer my hand came to the table the further he leaned toward my lips until I could feel his hot breath.

"Missed some." He gently pressed his lips to mine. The tip of his tongue flirtingly slid across my bottom lip ever-so-lightly causing a chill to run down my spine.

"Thanks." I blearily responded.

"Where do you want to go now?" Jacob sat back down on his stool as though nothing happened. We glanced around trying to figure out our next destination. Both of our eyes rested on a billboard across the boardwalk.

GRAND OPENING: Ripley's Aquarium. Take Exit 39 & Follow the signs.

On the drive to Ripley's Aquarium, Jacob kept his phone accessible, always within a seconds reach. His fingers nervously tapped on the steering wheel. It was a gesture that I normally found annoying, but today it was endearing. Jake rarely showed emotion unless it was on the extreme side. The fact that he was comfortable enough to express his nervousness and his need for me over the past couple of months threw me into this epitome of love. I suppose that's why my moods had changed and why I constantly smiled around him. He was starting to make my face hurt.

The entire drive was silent except for the random hip-hop songs playing on the radio. While Jacob drove us to our destination in his own little world, I bobbed my head to the rhythm of the music. It helped me from over thinking the possible situation of Jacob permanently being so far away. That thought was growing in my brain, and the more thinking I did, the worse I felt. So, music was a welcome distraction.

At Ripley's Aquarium, Jacob refused to let me pay, insisting that everything was on him. And he meant it. Drinks, snacks, random memorabilia, and a crazy giant stuffed whale that reminded me of Elaina later, distant Jacob clutched the whale in one arm and his phone in the same hand as we entered the giant glass tunnel. Just a few feet into the mouth of the glass tunnel, I was surrounded and engulfed with the under-water world that mesmerized me. My skin glowed aqua from the reflection of the nearly three hundred and sixty degree tank that I was standing in. Brightly colored reef fish swam around a brilliantly colorful growing reef. Larger fish weaved their way around the smaller fish. Floating and resting on the bottom were giant sting ray that seemed to be larger than me. And as I looked up, a hammerhead shark swam straight over my head. I laughed in excitement and awe.

Bright-eyed, I looked back toward the mouth of the tunnel where Jacob had seemingly stopped. He stared straight at me. A smirk worked at the corner of his mouth. Easing across his face was a somber and peaceful expression. Warmth exuded him and almost hit me with vengeance. I reached out my hand, asking him to take it, to accept me and take me. And without words, Jake nodded his head and stepped forward. Halfway between the mouth of the tunnel and me, Jacob's phone began to vibrate. His eyebrows shot up and his eyes dropped to his phone. Jake tossed the giant whale to me and with shaking fingers, he answered the call we both had been waiting for.

My stomach flipped. My heart sank to my feet. My excitement dwindled to nearly nonexistent. The positive attitude I had previously disappeared in a moment's thought.

This was it. This was the moment when I would feel Jacob slip through my fingers. The happiness, the love, the joy we were experiencing would become temporary. He'd forget about me. He'd move on to someone who had the guts to tell him how she felt. He'd find a girl who could offer him more than I could. Jacob would become this infinitely rich and famous football star, who only visited his home, his friends when something bad happened. I would be a distant memory.

As much as I wanted to believe what fear was telling me, I couldn't. That wasn't Jacob. I had more faith in him than that. He wouldn't forget me. He wouldn't forget where he came from. His heart and soul was better than his ego. Jacob had grown since high school. College life had taught him plenty of lessons, lessons that maybe I didn't even realize. Being away from home had changed Jacob. Maybe, just maybe, he could find it in him to stay the same.

Glancing toward Jake, I swallowed thickly. His broad back was to me. He was chatting away with, I assumed, his agent. And just as I was about to look away, Jacob jumped two feet in the air. His fist pumped in celebration.

He had been drafted. I knew that he would. And so, I smiled.

Jake spun on his heel. A bright, cheerful, ecstatic smile brightened nearly the entire tunnel. His eyes sparkled. I had never seen him this happy, this proud. Proud, he should be. I was proud of him too, but I couldn't fight the sinking feeling inside of me. I didn't want him to see my reserve, so I turned my attention back to the tank surrounding me. The peacefulness of the ocean world soothed away a bit of my pain.

"Yeah. Okay. No. I understand. Alright. Let me talk it over with…Yes. Okay man. Talk to you soon." Jacob's phone beeped when he ended the call.

I could hear the shuffle of his feet against the floor. Quickly, I plastered my happiness for him across my face in the form of a smile and suppressed my unease into a large ball seated in my stomach. Just as I settled the sickening feeling, I pressed my face into my giant stuffed Elaina and breathed. I could do this. I could be happy for him. I just had to let my selfishness go.

I whipped around with a giant grin on my face. "SO?"

Jake tried to fight the smile on his lips, but at last it had won. "Pittsburg."

Pennsylvania. At least it was a little bit closer than Florida.

"The Steelers? Wow, Jake that's," The ball of unease unraveled like a ball of yarn, and as it did, tears sprang to my eyes. Without permission, they fell down my cheeks, "great."

"Thanks." He shrugged. The smile fell from Jake's face the moment he saw the tears. "Bells," he sighed taking me into a hug, but the giant stuffed whale was in the way. He grabbed it roughly and sat it on the railing along the tank. Jacob's warm, muscular arms surrounded me. He squeezed me tightly. "I know it's far away."

I nodded.

"But," Jacob pulled back and cupped my cheeks with his palms, "come with me."

"I can't." I sniffed back a sob. I was trying my damnedest to not ruin his moment. "I'm so happy for you, Jake! You'll be amazing. I know you will."

"Why can't you?" He ignored my compliment. His eyes squeezed in together in confusion.

"We already talked about this."

"But Bella…I…"

Instead of allowing him the moment to wipe away all of my will, I pressed my lips firmly against his, kissing him with every last drop of happiness I had for him. I shushed whatever he had to say and in that moment, I chose to remove myself from the equation.

"C'mon! We need to celebrate!" I declared as my lips parted his, but Jacob stood still. He shook his head no.

"We need to talk about this." Jacob said.

"We will, but not right now. You just got the most amazing news of your life. Let's go celebrate!" I smiled brightly, chastely kissed him again, and laced my fingers through his. I squeezed his hand tightly and tugged at his arm. Reluctantly, Jacob released the stubbornness holding him and jogged with me toward the exit of the aquarium.

"I'm calling Riley on the way!" I excitedly exclaimed, but Jake said nothing. Instead, he remained reserved about the whole issue, which left me feeling guilty.

The ride home was guilt ridden. I regretted allowing my tears to fall in front of him. I felt horrible for taking one of the most important moments of his life and turning it into something bad. I was guilty of being that girl I wished not to be. Before I could start hating myself for it, I spoke up, apologizing for the way I reacted.

"I'm sorry that I didn't act excited." I adjusted the vent so that the air-conditioning blew directly onto my now burning chest and neck.

"S'okay." Jacob flatly replied. He shrugged his shoulders and shifted the car into fifth gear.

"No, it's not." I replied. "I shouldn't have cried like that."

"You didn't cry, Bells. It was just a few tears. No big deal." Jake flipped his signal, got over into the fast-lane, and passed the slower car in front of us.

I rolled my eyes. Why was he being so frustrating? "You're being frustrating. I'm trying to apologize and you're just shrugging it off."

Jacob sighed and reached over, placing his fingers into the spaces between mine. "I'm not shrugging it off. I understand. You're worried that I'm going to be off banging whichever chick spreads her legs for me. And you're worried that I'm going to change. I get it. My agent warned me about stuff like that. You just have to trust me, Bells."

"I'm really trying to, Jake. I promise I am." I stared down to our hands. The way they fit together, the touch of his warm skin against mine, the resonating memory from earlier in the day when Jacob told me that he cared about me pushed down the sadness and mistrust.

"I know you are."

"I was just hoping for something closer."

"I know." He quickly responded. "I was too." Jacob's hand squeezed mine. "I can't convince you to come with me can I?" Jake peaked over at me out of the corner of his eye.

I shook my head no.

"There's _nothing_ I can do to make you want come with me?" His brow lifted in question.

I shrugged and called myself a coward under my breath. "I want to come with you, but I can't."

"Of course you can!" Jake exclaimed, a smile breaking free at my confession.

"I can't, Jake. Just leave it at that."

Maybe I had turned into the girl who ruined the best moment of her best friend's life. Maybe I was the girl who was causing him guilt and frustration, because I didn't want him to stay so far from me. But, I still wouldn't force him to tell me he loved me. That was wrong, and telling him that I loved him, well, that would only guilt trip him into telling me the same. I couldn't live with myself if that happened. So, I stayed quiet the rest of the ride to Jake's apartment.

I half expected Riley to have a full blown party with strippers, liquor, and "Black & Yellow" blaring through the stereo when we arrived, but I was only half wrong. While there were no strippers, Riley had been playing Wiz Khalifa's "Black & Yellow" on the stereo. As we walked through the door, hand-in-hand, Riley and a half dozen other's cheered and congratulated Jake on his accomplishment of becoming a professional football player. Jacob boldly laughed and thanked everyone for coming. He even changed his t-shirt to a black Steelers one. His happiness and cheer had returned the moment he'd forgotten about my anguish and sadness. And for him, I would put it aside as well.

"Here," Riley tossed me a bright yellow t-shirt. "Let's go put this on."

I caught the t-shirt and cocked my brow, just like Jake would do. "I don't need your help changing."

"Hush." He placed his hand on the back of my neck and led me toward the bathroom. When I tried to go in by myself, Riley pushed past the door and shut it behind him. "Now, how do you really feel about this?"

I rolled my eyes and turned around. "I'm changing now. If you want to see what color my bra is, then stay. If not, then I suggest you leave now."

"That bad, huh?"

I lifted my shirt over my head. "No not that bad. I'm happy for him."

"Sure you are." Riley retorted. "As happy as a rabbit in a wolf den."

"Shut up." I grumbled holding the yellow Pittsburg t-shirt up. It was simple with black lettering that said STEELERS across the front. I flipped it over and looked at the back of it. BLACK'S BFF in white lettering read across the back. I sighed and let my guard down a bit while I pulled the t-shirt over my head. "I'm trying to be happy for him."

"I know you're happy for him, Bella." Riley's hands cupped my shoulders. He spun me around and then sat on the edge of the tub. "But, it doesn't make you happy, does it?"

Tears filled my eyes. I shook my head no. "All of this just worries me. I mean…we're not going to last much longer if we stay this far apart."

"So go with him." Riley stated almost as though he didn't believe I wouldn't.

"I can't, Riley!"

"Why can't you?" He crossed his arms over the black t-shirt that had read PITTSBURG across the chest in bright yellow letters.

"You know why." I mimicked his crossed arms.

"Inform me again, Bells, because I don't know one good reason why you wouldn't!"

I uncrossed my arms and squeezed my fists. "What I want is more than he's willing to give. I can't just follow him like some lost puppy. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to walk out this door and do the label you've provided me justice. I'm going to be happy, chipper, fun, and give him everything he wants."

"He wants you." Riley's thick Australian accent boomed loudly in my ears.

"I know he does, but he has to tell me. I'm not going to make him."

"For fuck's sake. You two are driving me up the god damned wall. I can't deal with it anymore. Fuck psychology!" Riley stood from his seat on the edge of the tub, jerked the door open, and stomped down the hall. On the back of his t-shirt in bright yellow letters read "BLACK'S OTHER BFF".

A few seconds later, Jacob appeared in the doorway of the bathroom with two beers in his hand. He reached one out to me as I pulled a brush through my hair. I took it and sat it down before turning and showing Jake the front of my shirt.

"Nice." He tipped his bottle toward me.

I turned and pointed to the lettering on the back. Jake let out a laugh.

"I take that back. This shirt is fucking phenomenal." Jake stepped inside the bathroom, shutting the door behind him, and wrapped one arm around my midsection. He pressed his lips to the side of my head. "I like you wearing my name."

Laced through that statement was a deeper meaning. I could hear it in Jacob's voice, but I didn't quite understand what he meant. All I knew was that it made my heart pitter-patter in my chest. I smiled brightly, happiness oozing through my veins again. Jacob stared at our reflection in the mirror. He bit into his full bottom lip before he tilted his head down and kissed my shoulder. "C'mere."

I turned in his arms. I cradled his face in my hands and brushed my nose against his. "I'm so proud of you." My lips brushed his as I spoke.

"Thanks." He whispered. The smell of liquor and beer mixed in my nostrils. Jake must have been celebrating a bit more than me, and I was okay with that. It was well deserved. "I'm proud of me too. And a little excited."

"Just a little?" I titled my head to the side in question.

"Hmm…" His lips pushed together. "Yeah. Just a little. I'd be more excited if you would come with me." Jacob licked his lips and stared down to mine. "Will you come with me?"

I shook my head no. I leaned in and gently kissed his glistening bottom lip.

His breath hitched. "There's nothing I can do to persuade you?"

I shrugged. "Maybe."

"Tell me. Whatever it is, I'll do it," Jake gazed into my eyes, hugging my soul with his, "for you."

In that moment, I could have asked him to tell me that he loved me. And I was convinced that he would have. He had had just enough to drink. But that victory wouldn't be a victory at all. Instead of opening my mouth, I pressed mine against his, my tongue seeking the warm refuge of his.

Within passing minutes, Jacob had yanked both of our shorts off and had nestled himself deep inside of me. The cold porcelain of the sink pressed against my ass, leaving deep indentations on my cheeks as I rose and fell with every vigorous pound. Jake panted into the nape of my neck. I dug my fingernails into the skin of his.

Our stares fiercely locked the both of us in an exotic trance while our bodies played out the emotions we so desperately wanted to say. I clutched onto Jacob as though he were about to disappear, and Jacob squeezed me against him as if it were the last chance he'd ever get to feel this close to me. The longer we were locked in that enticing gaze, the harder Jacob shoved into me. My legs tightened around his waist as they wobbled with intense pleasure. That intense pleasure was superseded when Jake released inside of me. With a throat clenching moan, my walls constricted around him hurdling me toward a place of utter bliss. Jake released his grip on my hips. His forehead pressed roughly against my shoulder as he tried to catch his breath. My head fell back against the mirror behind us as I tried to ease the burning in my lungs from the lack of oxygen.

"Can you two stop fucking long enough to celebrate?" Riley pounded on the bathroom door.

I laughed in embarrassment. Jacob grumbled and stepped back pulling his underwear and shorts on. I rolled my eyes and hopped off of the sink onto wobbly legs. I winced as my panties and shorts rubbed against my crotch. "Ow."

Jacob chuckled in response. I glared at him. "What?" He innocently threw his arms to the side. "I didn't hear any complaints."

Riley huffed at the door.

"Be out in a minute." Jacob answered his huffing roommate.

"He always has the worst timing."

"I heard that Miss Black!" Riley's fist hit the door once more.

My eyes widened. I held my breath. My stomach rolled in on itself. Panic flooded my veins. I couldn't do anything but stare at Jake, whose expression was less astonishing than mine. A smirk quirked up on the right side of Jacob's mouth while he buttoned his shorts.

"Of course you did, Mr. Eaves-Dropper!" Jacob yelled back, laughter thick in his throat.

"Hey. I'm throwing a party in your honor! The least you could do is show your pretty fucking face." Riley joked.

Jacob glanced up and winked at me. Then, he proceeded to dash toward the door and yank it open as quickly as he could. "We all know I got a pretty face, but you sure as fuck have a pretty mouth. Mmhmm."

"I'll make you squeal like a little pig." Riley wriggled his eyebrows at Jake. He stepped backward, pretended to place his hand on an invisible ass, and thrusted his hips forcefully into said invisible ass in front of him. All the while, Jacob began to squeal like a pig.

"Oh. God." I laughed, burying my face in my hands. "You two are… _horrible_."

Their banter continued throughout most of the night. Jacob celebrated with friends and strangers. The more he spoke of Pittsburg, the wider his smile became until it nearly lit up the entire room. I stood beside him and watched him become more excited and then I watched from afar, enjoying his laugh, his smile, and his exaggerated expressions. With every smile, encouraging word, and exciting high five he received, the further I felt from him. It was as though with each passing minute Jacob forgot La Push, the reservation, his family, and me.

My over active mind swallowed my rationality. I was panicking. The more I panicked, the less I was aware of Jacob's glances or gestures for me to celebrate with him. Instead, I scooted my feet against the hard wood flooring until I had backed into Jake's bedroom door. My fingers latched onto the door knob and twisted.

I pulled my feet under me as I sat in the middle of Jake's king size bed. My stomach twisted in knots, tumbling in on itself. Fear took over then, my palms sweating and my mouth growing dry. I could barely breathe the burning air that met my lungs. Tears clouded my eyes as every last fear of mine materialized.

I would be but a long forgotten memory to Jacob. I would not matter. He would not care.

And then what? Who would I share my life with? Who would need me? Where would I find another person that would make me feel the way thinking about Jacob did?

My heart raced in my chest. My brain over worked itself until I could think no more. A dull ache pulsed at my temples.

I tried to focus on the positives. I tried to remember who Jacob really was, but the throbbing in my head kept any sanity from coming forth. I was lost in my own mind with nowhere to turn. I was afraid and alone.

Just when I thought I could take no more, the bedroom door opened slowly. Light crept around the wooden edges, casting a shadow onto the floor. The broad shoulders, the tall build, and finally the scent that immediately floated into the air settled my fears just enough for me to breathe.

Jacob's masculine musk was mixed with alcohol and cigarettes, creating a spicy new scent about him. Still, I knew it was him before he stepped inside and shut the door. He leaned his back against the door and glanced up to the ceiling before he looked to me, sitting on the center of his bed. His onyx eyes were glossy and red. His cheeks were tinged pink and his lips curled into a sloppy smile. Yet, the way he looked me over was endearing and full of adoration.

He would never forget about me. How could I have panicked over something so silly?

"You okay?" Jake slurred just slightly. He wasn't drunk, but he was on his clearly on his way.

I nodded my head. My eyes glued to the comforter beneath me.

"Look at me and tell me you're okay with not going to Pittsburg with me?"

I _was_ okay with that aspect. "I'm okay with you going to Pittsburg without me."

"Then," his head titled to the side, "what's wrong?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't want you to forget about me."

Jake disbelievingly stared at me. He stepped forward until he was at the edge of the bed. He, then, knelt on the mattress. Clasping my hands in his, Jacob peered at me making sure to catch my gaze with his. "Listen to me, Bells, and this time listen real good. There is no way I will ever forget you. You are my home. You are my essence. Nothing…no one will ever take that from me." With his thumb and forefinger, Jacob pulled my chin up and rested his lips on mine, sealing his promise with a kiss.

No matter how many times Jacob told me he would never forget about me or La Push or Forks, the idea of him being so far away added the oxygen to the fire of doubt burning inside of me. There was one way to dull the fear and for the remaining days I was in Florida, I spent it wrapped up in Jacob's naked body. When we were at our most intimate, I could feel him and the love we shared. It was as though the world outside of whatever room we were in at the time no longer existed. We were the only two beings on earth orchestrating a beautiful lullaby of love and fear.

There was beauty in our fears. Although fear overshadowed the most important feeling, love, it was that unabridged trepidation that kept us coming back for more. It amplified the need for those three marvelous words, but it suppressed them all the same. If we said it, if we told each other how much we truly loved the other, then our lives would change. Adapting to change was hard and tumultuous for Jacob and I; whereas, if we stayed status-quo, it felt as though our destinies were in the palms of our hands. But, destiny had another plan that she made fully unavoidable.

The moment my feet landed back in Washington, I was greeted with stress. With only a few weeks left of school, I needed to study and finish my final projects for each of my classes. Alex decided that an additional four weeks wait for my degree was ridiculous and promoted me to Director of Instruction & Activities. The job load was hideously grotesque at best. I was overcome with having to put in place a new children's center program, where children could learn about the underwater world. To say that I was overly stressed with work and school and lacked about an extra twenty-four hours was a mild, mild way of putting it into perspective.

And then there was the mess with Jacob. I say mess, because that's exactly what it was. The more time passed since I had been in Florida, the more I got the feeling that Jake and I were in a "secret" relationship. His text messages and phone calls picked up from hardly at all to always – not that I minded in the slightest. I loved sharing our lives together, but there were only so many hours in one day. I often found myself growing more tired, no matter how much sleep I got the night before.

Marybelle took to cooking me breakfast and packing me a lunch as those were the steps that were being left out when I was running late. Each morning after over sleeping, I hustled down the steps on the phone with Jacob, buttoning my jeans, and trying to locate my shoes, keys, jacket, and backpack. I was one week away from finals, from graduating college, and the only thing I really wanted to do was crawl back in my bed and sleep for the rest of my life.

"So, about Pittsburg…" Jacob said into my ear as I slipped my shoes on.

"Ugh. Jake, I'm not in the mood to talk about Pittsburg again." I rolled my eyes and scurried into the kitchen before Marybelle would have a chance to yell at me. That was all I needed, a headache to add to the craziness of my life at the moment.

The smell of freshly cooked bacon, eggs, and biscuits wafted in the air, thickening the closer I came to the source. My stomach flipped. My mouth became thick with spit. The simple thought of eating anything made my tummy churn in on itself. I breathed through my mouth and swallowed trying to slow down the wave of nausea barreling through me.

"Why not? Just come with me!" Jake begged. He was relentless.

"Give me a minute." I sighed into the phone. I cupped my hand over my forehead and leaned against the doorway of the kitchen.

"You okay?" His voice was thick with concern.

"Yeah. Just… I don't feel well."

"I bet you don't. You've been going ninety miles per hour since you got back. Slow down, Bells, enjoy life. Take a day off." Jacob kindly stated with worry leaking into every syllable.

"I bet you'd like that." I laughed into the phone.

"Well, I'm not going to say that you lying in bed all day didn't cross my mind." Jake all but whispered. "That would drive me crazy."

"Really? That's what you'd think about? Me lying in bed?"

"I didn't say what you'd be doing." Jake chuckled. "But, hey, I gotta go. Class in fifteen minutes. I'll text you later."

"Okay." I sighed.

"And Bells?"

"Yeah?"

"Get some rest, relax, have fun. That's what life is about." I could hear him smiling.

"I'll try." I smiled back.

"Talk to you later, Bells." I hear Jacob kiss the receiver of his phone. And I did the same wishing him a fun filled day of no worries or stress.

A few days later, I sat in my office at work trying to fight the nausea that had yet to go away when Alex peered in. I looked up from the mountain of paperwork in front of me. I smiled at Alex and waved him in.

"Hey Alex."

"Hi Bella. You look, well, swamped." Alex gestured toward the boxes of paperwork next to me.

"Oh," I glanced toward the boxes. "Yeah, I'm looking for grant opportunities for a possible addition to the building."

"Addition?" Alex took a seat in the black polyester covered chair in front of my desk.

"Yeah. I would be a children's center with one of those really cool touch ponds, a few activity areas, and I was thinking that maybe we could put in a new tunnel tank… not a huge one but a smaller one more so for the kids than anyone else."

"Wow." Alex chuckled to himself. "I knew you'd be perfect for this job."

"Thanks." I smiled. I really did love my new promotion, and I wouldn't have been nearly as swamped had I been able to work the regular nine to five shift. And what with finals coming up next week, my job would become easier over the following weeks. So, I didn't mind the overworked, tiredness that I felt.

"There's something else that I think you would be perfect for." Alex leaned forward.

"Alex, I don't think I can…" I looked over everything in front of me, suddenly becoming a little more than overwhelmed. The nausea in my stomach amplified.

"No, no… it's not anything extra to work on. I think you have plenty to keep you busy." Alex laughed. "It's just that my mom has a garage style apartment that she's renting out. She's getting older, you know, so the easier for her to earn her income the better. And I was thinking that since it's only about a fifteen minute drive that you might be interested. You know, since you're graduating college soon, I figured you'd probably be looking for a place."

"I hadn't thought about that to be honest." Jacob's futile attempts at getting me to move to Pittsburg rattled around in my brain. There was no way I could walk away from all of this. Not when I was just starting to try to do something so substantial. So, why wouldn't I take Alex up on his offer? "But now that you mention it, I think it would be a nice change especially after I graduate. When can I look at it?"

"Probably next week. She's having some painters come in this weekend to freshen up the paint." Alex answered.

"I have finals Monday thru Wednesday, so Thursday around one o'clock should be okay with me." I explained.

"I'm sure that'll be fine for her too. I'll let her know to expect you around one. Remind me on Monday and I'll give you the directions." Alex stood and exited my office, leaving me to the piles upon piles of paperwork. Just when I thought the papers were about to swallow me whole, my phone vibrated.

'**what r u doin right now' **Jacob's text read.

'**Preparing to be swallowed by mountains of paperwork.' **I quirkily replied back.

'**still working I take it'** He answered.

'**Yeah.' **

I hesitated telling him about the apartment I was going to look at next week, but instead of texting it to him, I chose his name from my contacts list and called.

"Hey." Jake chirped.

"Hey." I smiled. His voice calming the nervous tension inside of me. "So, I have something to tell you."

"Alright." Jacob hesitated.

"Alex's mom has an apartment for rent, and I'm going to look at it next week." I blurted out. I knew if I didn't just let it out, then I wouldn't tell him. And that would cause far more damage than I would be able to handle.

"Oh." He shortly answered. I could hear him breathe out a sigh of defeat. "So, you're really not going to Pittsburg with me?"

My stomach started to churn as though I had eaten far too much. I could feel the bile rising up in my throat. "No." I answered, my throat constricted with nausea. I tried to open my mouth to explain further, but as I did, my gag reflex had me jumping from my chair and running to the nearest trash can. I heaved up what little bit of food was in my stomach.

"Bella? Are you okay?" Jacob worriedly asked just as I dry heaved. "Are you… throwing up? Are you still sick? I told you to take a day and relax."

Using the back of my hand, I wiped my mouth and returned my chair. "I must have caught a bug or something. Explains why I've been so tired an exhausted."

"You're working yourself to death, Bells. It's okay to take a minute for yourself now and then."

I nodded as if he could see me and reached for the bottle of water on my desk. I twisted the cap off and chugged down about half of it. "I don't have time for myself right now, Jake. I barely have time for you." I said without thinking. "God, that came out wrong."

"No. It's okay. I know what you mean. You're busy getting your life together. Not everyone gets their career handed to them on a silver platter like I did." Jake's emotionally filled voice came through loud and clear.

I was shocked by his answer, shocked that he hadn't taken what I said in the wrong context. "Thank you for understanding, Jake."

"Welcome." He silently answered. "Listen, I have to go. I'll see you soon okay?"

"Alright."

A long, awkward pause stood between the two of us giving ample opportunity to blurt out any feelings we'd left unsaid over the years. Yet, still, we allowed our fears to constrict our throats and take over our hearts.

"Bye Jake."

"Bye Bells."

Finals flew by in a nauseated and exhausted flash. To celebrate Angela and I planned to have lunch before I went to visit my potential first apartment. My stomach was still playing funny tricks on me, and more often than not, I found myself closer to the nearest exits just so if I felt the need to throw-up, I wouldn't do it on someone's shoes.

The morning after finals, I woke up twenty minutes before I had to meet Angela at Twisted Rainbow's Café. In a desperate rush to make it there on time, I pulled a brush through my hair, applied some deodorant, brushed my teeth, and bolted out the door in a pair of sweats, a t-shirt, and a jacket. Sure, I was never one to really care what I looked like, but I rarely left the house in anything but jeans.

On my drive to Twisted Rainbow's I pondered over how I could have overslept when I had fallen asleep just twelve hours before. My body was telling me something. It worried me. Did I have cancer or some other ailment that caused extreme fatigue?

"Maybe you're narcoleptic." Angela laughed over her turkey sandwich, which looked just divine. I licked my lips and spied the slice of tomato slipping from between the bread.

"Shut up, Ang!" I laughed and took a sip of my cheesey broccoli soup.

"Seriously, Bella, you've just worked yourself too hard. Last night was the first night you've gotten any kind of real sleep." Angela consoled me.

"Maybe you're right."

What I hadn't explained to Angela over lunch was that every night for the past two weeks, I had gotten at least ten hours of sleep. If I wasn't sleeping, I was at work or school. I had even diverted a couple of Jake's late night phone calls to voicemail just so I could get a few more minutes of shut-eye. None-the-less, Jacob left tender messages saying that he was sorry that he missed me and he'd see me soon.

The apartment turned out to be amazing. I fell in love with its quaint, comfortable, homey feel. It was small, only one bedroom and bath, but cozy. Alex's mom, Agatha, was lovely as well. Her tiny, shaky voice and promises of no late night wild parties sealed the deal for me. And so, I signed the lease to my first apartment just a day later.

Thankful for the weekend, I asked Dad to rent a truck for my things on Saturday, and he came back with the biggest he could find. Marybelle offered to help me pack away my belongings. Her's and Dad's eyes glossed over with tears. Dad hugged me thousands of times as he passed by from a return trip of loading furniture into the truck.

"I'm so proud of you, Bella!" He kissed into my hair with every hug.

My stomach was still uneasy, but the uneasiness had settled a bit by Saturday evening. Marybelle fixed a large dinner. Angela stayed over to help with the move on Sunday. We spent the night talking like we usually did. Our lives were much more different, grown, with real life concerns. Angela's were more about finding a job as a journalist as soon as she could. She dreamed of traveling to different poverty stricken countries to shed light on the sadness happening there. All the while, I dreamed of working at the aquarium, finishing the tunnel and the addition. I dreamed of seeing Jacob play ball professionally, and most of all I wanted him to just tell me that he loved me.

"Is that so much to ask?" My eyes welled up with giant tears. I sniffed back a sob. "All I want from him is an 'I love you'. Why can't he just tell me that?"

"He's a man. That's why." Angela retorted. "I practically have to drag it out of Erick."

"But at least he's told you!" I exclaimed, tears streaking down my face.

"Aw, Bells, I'm sure Jake loves you. You just have to give him some more time. Things are just now settling down for the both of you." Angela wrapped her arms around my sobbing shoulders and moved us from side to side, flaring the queasiness in my stomach. I jolted toward the bathroom, heaving the rest of my dinner into the toilet.

"You okay?" Angela stared at me with a hideously aware look as I walked back into the bedroom.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just the remnants of that bug I had." I stifled a yawn and stretched. "I think I'm going to go to bed."

"Alright. I'm going to go change, shower, and all that. Get some rest." Angela got up from the bed just as I climbed in. When she reached the door, Angela tapped her fingers against the knob and then turned back to me. "Bella?"

"Hmm…" I answered while texting Jacob a goodnight text.

"Could you be…"

My phone vibrated in my hand.

'**Gnite beautiful.'**

I smiled a bright, painfully big smile and turned back to Angela, who stared at me with worried eyes. "Sorry, go ahead."

"Are you still on the pill?" Angela blurted out as she opened the door.

"No." I bleakly answered.

"Are you and Jacob being safe?"

I swallowed remembering the week of Spring Break and how much of a turning point it was for the both of us. The images of us together in the bubble bath played in my head like a movie. I remembered the night of his celebration party and the feel of the cold porcelain sink beneath my ass and the feel of him inside of me. A blurry set of images flashed through my head of the nights that followed. We had shared each other's passion and in each of those moments we had forgotten to protect ourselves. That was when destiny reached her tiny hand in and grasped on to us.

My symptoms from the past few weeks gathered. I was nauseous all of the time. I could never get enough sleep. And my period… I sat up in the bed, tossing the comforter to the side. I gripped a handful of my hair and thought out loud.

"Today's the… and my last period was… That makes…" I counted on my fingers. "I'm three and a half weeks late." I whispered into the horrid air that seemed to thicken the more I thought. I looked up to Angela, who stared bewildered at me. "It could be the stress. I'm just… stressed."

"How many times has that happened to you?" Angela asked.

"Never." I answered quietly. "I could just be late. You know… traveling can do that to you. And I've had that bug…"

"Bella!" Angela stomped her foot. "You can't be serious."

I had had my head in the toilet enough recently to know that it wasn't just some bug, that my period wasn't late because I had traveled or because of stress, and that I wasn't tired because of lack of sleep. None of that was the truth.

As I sat in bed, Angela slipped on her shoes and grabbed the keys from my desk. "I'll be back in fifteen minutes."

I didn't need to ask where she was going or why she was taking a trip at almost eleven o'clock at night. I knew, and it broke my heart that I could be so careless, so stupid. Jacob would hate me. He would see what Billy had been trying to tell him all along. He would believe Billy, and Jacob would destroy me with his words just like he had in the garage in high school.

Twenty minutes later, Angela strolled into my bedroom with two bags, one plastic and visibly full of sweets. The other bag was brown paper and small. Angela tossed it onto the bed next to me and sat down.

"Go take it."

I glanced toward the bag with the answers to my future and back to Angela. She had the plastic bag full of candy on her lap. I picked up the brown paper bag and smirked. "Trade you bags?"

Angela rolled her eyes and squeezed my hand. "Take it, Bella. Whatever the results are, I'm here for you. Marybelle is here for you. Charlie will be here for you." She stopped looked away and then settled her eyes on my face. "And Jacob will be too."

"How do you know?" I asked with a shaky voice.

"He loves you, Bella. He may not say it, but he does. And this," she pointed to the bag, "isn't going to change that."

"You don't know everything. Billy thinks… he'll change Jacob's mind."

"Who cares what Billy thinks? Jacob obviously doesn't believe him, why would he start now?"

"You don't understand."

"I may not, Bells, but either way, you have to take this test. It might not be about just you anymore." She grabbed the bag, sat it in my lap, and pointed toward the door. "Go." Her voice was calm, even, and kind.

I nodded. The queasiness in my stomach doubled as the nervous butterflies flapped their wings and balls of tension rolled around. I sat on the toilet and opened the box. Inside was a stick wrapped sealed in a foil wrapper. I tore open the wrapper and tossed it and the box onto the floor in front of me. Holding the stick up in front of my face, I grumbled at myself for being such an idiot, but my bladder had other ideas. Squeezing my legs together, I reached for the instructions, which were still inside of the box. I quickly ran over the instructions, yanked the tiny piece of plastic that covered the part I was supposed to pee on off, and well… peed.

I held the stick in my stream of urine for five to ten seconds, capped the end I peed on, and sat it on the edge of the sink. I snarled at the irony and set the timer on my cell phone.

The next three minutes were the longest of my life. Angela must have found them just as long too. I hugged into her side and waited staring at the white stick on the sink thinking about how it alone would change the course of my life. And not to mention Jacob's.

"What'd the instructions say was… you know?" Even Angela couldn't say the word.

"Two lines is yes. One line is no." I repeated almost robotically as we both stared directly at the white stick.

An alarming buzz from my phone jerked my attention to my hand. I looked down to see all zero's across my timer, then I looked over to Angela, who nodded her head. Nervousness and anxiety filled her eyes, so I could only imagine what zombie-like appearance I must have had.

With shaking fingers, I picked up the test from the sink and stared at the results window. I repeated to myself what the instructions said. Two lines is yes. One line is no. And there before my eyes were two bright red lines.

"What's it say…" Angela pulled the test toward her so that she could see the results.

I swallowed and answered in awe. "I'm pregnant."


	26. Jacob: Part 4: Telling Him

**Part Four: Telling Him**

**Disclaimer:**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**Author's Note: **_Hi everyone. I know it's been a while since I've updated. My grandmother passed away at the end of February. So, I took some time away to grieve her passing. But now I'm back. We literally have one more Bella POV and then the end. Enjoy guys! Thanks for reading. As always._

**Suggested Listening: Framing Hanley – You; Leona Lewis – Bleeding Love; The Fray – Hundred; The Maine – Saving Grace; Howard Shore – Jacob's Theme; Staind – Right Here.**

I stood in front of the floor length mirror. The girl staring back at me was confused, scared, but so endearingly in love with the child growing inside of her. A flutter went off in my chest. I placed a hand on my lower stomach.

There was a little piece of Jacob growing inside of me. A little part of him combined with a little part of me made up the little being in my belly. I couldn't physically feel him or her yet. Turning to the side, I looked at my stomach. It was as flat as it always was, but still there was a baby in there. A baby that I made with my best friend, my soul mate.

There were so many choices left to make. And as I stared at my reflection in the mirror, I couldn't think of a single one sounding any better than keeping this child. Abortion and adoption were long lost thoughts the moment the doctor told me that I was most definitely pregnant. Six weeks, she said. Six weeks ago, Jacob and I had made the little miracle currently thriving away in my uterus. How could anyone take a gift so precious and rid themselves of it?

That was neither here nor there. Everyone's situations are different, and mine was less than perfect. Yet, giving up my child, our child, was not an option I was willing to explore. I would not even humor the fact. My life – well – it was no longer about me. My life was about the piece of utter perfection floating in my belly.

Jacob lay on the couch just a few feet behind me. His soft snores sounded like peaceful lullabies. They calmed my nerves. The tips of my fingers shook as I cradled my nonexistent baby bump. I would tell him. He had to know. He deserved to know.

Memories of his anger, of his hatred, from my honesty about Jessica flared. He was unable to face the truth all those years ago. Would he be able to now? Would he hate me? Would he neglect me and his child? Would I become that girl he paid to keep her mouth shut?

But then, his peaceful smile – the one I had fallen in love with – exposed itself. It shined through the painful memories. His smile – the one that had shined brighter than the Florida sun on my surprise visit – dazzlingly blared through the darkness of his hateful, fear filled eyes. The Jacob I knew now was different than the Jacob from high school. He was older; he was wiser.

A sudden loud thud spun me on my heel to find Jake lying on the floor. Sitting up, he rubbed his right shoulder. I hid a laugh behind my words.

"Be careful on that arm. That's a million dollar arm now."

Jake smirked. His sleepy eyes darted toward me.

"Surprise!" I threw my arms in the air.

"Surprise? I knew you were coming." Jake laughed – surprise etched on his face still. He stood groggily and made his way to me. "What are you doing?"

I swallowed. "Oh, you know, just checking myself out." I dropped my hands from my stomach, but not before Jake noticed. He squinted his eyes at the sight of them leaving my lower abdomen, but said nothing of it.

"Sure, sure." Jacob wrapped his strong arms around my midsection. The tip of his ring and pinky fingers rested where my hands had just been. Air froze in my lungs. "Wanna go see a movie with me tonight?" I stared intently at his fingers grazing where our child grew. "My treat." I blinked. "I'll even buy you some popcorn."

Unable to respond with his fingers on my stomach, I turned. "You sure you want to spend your post graduation night at the movie theater…. with me?"

"I am a thousand percent sure I want to spend it with you." Jake winked and kissed the tip of my nose.

"Don't you want to go to a party? Celebrate with your friends?"

Jake scrunched up his nose. "Nah. I just wanna spend as much time with you as I can."

The looming move to Pittsburg still weighed heavily on both of us. And I was about to add to it.

"You sure you don't want to?" He hinted.

I exhaled. I wasn't so sure anymore. In fact, talking to Alex about possibly working from home or from across the country passed through my mind. Why couldn't I work on it from Pittsburg? What was stopping me? Besides my obvious need for Jacob's three words? I would be researching grants, setting up meetings with architects, interviewing potential marine biologists, and looking for the perfect set-up for the tank-tunnel, all of which could be done from the comfort of my own home or from a thousand miles away.

Jacob's gentle smirk lit up into a full fledged smile that was almost brighter than the sun. "I'm wearing you down. I'm winning. You're coming with me!" His words were sharp and excited.

"I'm thinking about it." I gently laughed and leaned against his humming chest just as he cradled the back of my head.

"I knew my persistence would pay off."

With a preoccupied mind, I agreed to go to the movies. I even somehow agreed to see "Zombies: Guts & Glory". I'm not sure how that breezed by me, but I was sure that it had to do with the gift growing inside of me. Either way, Jake and I sat on the second level of seats directly in the front center. Jacob swore the seats we sat in were the best in the house and so I agreed, trusting his opinion.

Throughout the first half of the movie, I stuffed my face with buttery popcorn, and I tried a few pieces of Jacob's Sour Patch Kids. By the most gory parts of the movie, I was sucking down a vanilla milkshake and tossing back the last few pieces of popcorn. Jake watched from the corner of his eye. A wildly intrigued expression covered his face. His eyebrow arched as I slurped the last few drops of my milkshake.

Cheeking a grin, I smirked."What?"

"You just huffed down a whole bag of popcorn, half of my sour patch kids, and guzzled a milkshake in five minutes."

"I was hungry." I stated as though I had already explained my hunger to him. But any other person in the room would probably guess just what condition had my appetite growing.

"When was the last time you ate… last year?" Jake laughed and sipped from his coke.

"Shhhh!" A loud shushing came from behind us.

Jacob and I both shrieked back into our seats. His hand sought out mine, and I laced our fingers together. Squeezing my hand with his, Jake brought our hands up to his mouth and kissed the tips of my fingers.

To anyone on the outside, we looked like a happy couple. We looked like two people head over heels in love with each other, but we weren't. We were just friends with no real relationship who were about to be yanked apart to either sides of the United States. We were two close friends who feared everything about the other. We were two best friends who loved eachother so much we couldn't live without the other. We were in a whirlwind of uphill battles, both of us covered head to toe in armor, but we weren't fighting a battle against anyone else. We were fighting against each other, and I feared I had the armor piercing bullet.

Just as the movie ended, my stomach rolled. The junk food I had just inhaled churned erratically. Slowly the contents of my meal rose until I could taste the bile in the back of my throat. With a hand clasped over my mouth, I darted toward the closest bathroom. I slung open the stall door and buried my head in the toilet, thanking god that I had reached it in time. My stomach heaved in on itself bringing up every last bit of the food I had just ate, and when it was empty, I stood and made my way to the sink, rinsing out my mouth and splashing some water on my face. As I leaned against the cold tiled walls with closed eyes, I heard Jake yell my name.

"Bella?"

"Be right out." I sighed. I stared up at the ceiling for a moment, thinking of how I would explain this away, but there was no excuse besides the truth. I had to tell Jake. I couldn't put it off.

Exiting the bathroom, I allowed the weight of the situation to rest on my shoulders. I let the heaviness of my heart to bare truth in my eyes. And I prepared myself for the most outrageous reaction. I would be torn apart millimeter by millimeter, but it wasn't about me, about my love anymore. It was about the love of a child, the need of his child.

Just as I thought of his name, his beautifully native face greeted me with a smile. His cheeks were red and splotchy. Shoving up his sleeves, Jake leaned against what looked to be the railing of stairs just outside of the women's bathroom. I huffed a sigh allowing my shoulders to fall heavily. I peaked at him through the corners of my eyes as I passed. I couldn't look at him. If I did, I would most definitely chicken out. So, I kept my head down and my eyes forward. Rounding the corner of the stairs, I took a seat a few steps from the bottom. From my lowered stare, I could see Jake's feet pivot and I could hear the anxiety in his breaths with every second that I didn't look up to him.

My cheeks burned like someone was holding a match to them. My heart skipped beats. Time seemed to stand still. The two words I needed to say perched themselves on the tip of my tongue. Anxiety ridiculed my fears, amplifying them to terrorizing heights. This moment would change the rest of my life.

I stared intensely at my hands and the tremble in them. I wondered how Jacob was doing in the moment. Was he staring at me like I was a ticking time bomb? That's how I felt. Before I could back out, before I could over think, I blurted it out just loud enough for both of us to hear.

"I'm pregnant."

And as I said those words, I looked up to Jake. His face was expressionless. His eyes stared passionately down to me. The corner of his mouth curved just enough to hide if it were a smile or a disgusted smirk. Jacob was frozen.

My fears exploded in my chest, and I gasped a breath. Though he had yet to respond, the intensity of Jake's gaze calmed me. I breathed in and exhaled the weight of all my troubles, but still I was scared – scared of losing him, scared of pushing him away. So, I dropped my attention to my hands again and mulled over what could possibly make this any easier.

"Don't worry. I haven't told anyone."

To gauge his response, I looked up with fearful eyes.

"There's nothing to worry about." His tone was flat and unaffected, but his face softened. His plump lips relaxed. He breathed a breath and sat next to me. And as he did, I stared back toward my hands, preparing myself for obliteration, but instead…instead came the sweetest, kindest words. "Look…I know what you're thinking, but Bella, I would never ask you to do that. I promise. I won't let you down." And then I looked over to him, his kind, loving words flowing through my veins at catastrophic speeds. Jacob lovingly and adoringly watched my relief. "It'll be okay."

With every fiber of my being, I believed him. I felt his honesty, and I also felt his fear. Though he had yet to speak of it, I could see it flaring behind his dark onyx eyes. As much as he tried to keep his stare sweet, I could see past it.

His hand shook as he lifted it and brushed his thumb across his my cheek. Jacob pressed a tiny kiss on the hairline of my forehead just as my head fell to his shoulder. I exhaled, allowing as much anxiety as possible to leave me. And when I inhaled, I allowed even more of Jacob to fill my veins.

Jacob wrung his hands together. His worry was outweighing his calmness. I could hear his breaths quickening as he processed exactly what "pregnant" meant.

"So… a baby?" He whispered.

I nodded my head against his shoulder.

Jake stared toward the floor for a moment or two. His worry, his fear, thickened the air around us. My muscles tensed as I breathed it all in.

"Where do we go from here? I mean… do you move with me?" A strangled breath cleared his lungs. "Do you stay here? Can you even fly? What do we do?"

His fears had unraveled him. Jake kept his eyes to the floor. His body intensely shook as he slightly rocked back and forth.

"I mean...you're keeping it right?" Jacob's attention jerked to me.

My eyebrows rose in shock. "Yes. I want to."

"Good. I want you to too." Just then Jake's rocking ceased but his leg began to bounce. "You're coming to Pittsburg with me."

"Jake…" I squeezed my eyes shut. "Please. Let me make up my own mind."

"You're having my… our child. You have to come." He argued.

"No. No, I don't." I don't know why I was being so stubborn, so hard headed, but the fact that he was telling me where I needed to go and what I was going to do didn't settle well for me. It was so unlike Jake; I understood the pressure he was under, but still he had to keep this all in perspective. "We're friends, remember?"

"Friends." He snorted back his aggression. "You're right. We're friends, Bella. But we're also having a baby together."

"I know." I sighed. "We've gotten ourselves into a crazy mess."

"Yup." He agreed. Jacob drifted back into his mind for a moment or two before he grumbled, "Fuck."

"What?" I asked unsure of what was going on in his mind.

"We have to tell my dad." Worry laced through his words.

I laughed. "You're worried about telling your dad? Jake… we have to tell my dad, the chief of police. He can make a death look like an accident."

"Damnit. How did we not think this through?"

Love. I thought, but instead I shrugged and rested my head against his shoulder again.

Almost five weeks later, Jacob found time in his busy professional football schedule to fly back to Washington. As much of a joy it would be to see Jake again, a gloomy feeling overshadowed any happiness. We were about to tell our parents that we were expecting, and there was no good way of coming at it besides head on.

I had never felt so uncomfortable sitting in the kitchen at Dad's. Marybelle was seated directly across the table from Jacob, and I was directly across from my dad. We all found comfort in the steaks Dad had prepared on the grill and the many sides Marybelle had cooked in the kitchen.

Over the passing weeks, my morning sickness had settled to barely there. Instead of hugging the toilet bowl religiously every morning, I discovered that my breasts grew at an alarming rate as did my hips. Along with my new found cravings for spaghetti and syrup or tomatoes doused in pickle juice came the extra pounds I had been not-so-prepared for. The slightest of baby bumps showed if I turned to the side and lifted my shirt.

Jake and I had barely gotten a chance to talk during the car ride from the airport to Dad's. He would only be in town for two days before he had to return to summer training. As much as we liked to pretend my pregnancy hadn't changed anything, it had changed a lot. Jake and I rarely joked or goofed off. My "condition" seemed to throw us head-on into the real world. No longer did we live in a lust filled bubble.

We talked as much as we could the weeks after Jake's graduation, but that was limited with his move to Pittsburg. Jake's agent had found him a great condo that he could customize to his likings. Until his condo was completed, Jake was being put up in the penthouse at the Renaissance Marriot just a few blocks from Heinz field. Mostly when Jake and I spoke, he talked about how amazing it was living his dream. He was really taking everything in, but wished that I was there to take it in with him.

I planned to just as soon as work would allow me. I wanted Jake to be a part of this pregnancy. I wanted him to see the changes I was going through. I wanted him to feel his child kick. I wanted him to see him or her move. But most of all, I wanted him to experience the sound of the heartbeat. And he would…if he survived telling my dad.

Dad cleared his throat, slicing right through the silence. "So, Jake, what brings you in town?"

"Oh." Jake dropped his fork. It clanked loudly against the ceramic white plates. His fingers shook as he picked it back up. "Uh…you know… just wanted to come back… and… uhm…"

I reached under the table and placed my hand on Jacob's knee. His muscles quivered as he inconspicuously bounced it. As much as I dreaded telling Dad and Marybelle that Jake and I were expecting, I knew that this was as good of time as any. I breathed deeply, swallowed thickly, and worked past my fears.

"Jake and I have something to tell you guys." I squeezed onto Jake's leg.

Jacob jerked his eyes toward me. Fear roared in them. He shook his head "no" but only enough for me to see. Dad and Marybelle glanced toward each other with smiles, which came completely unexpected; however, to be fair, I don't necessarily think they knew what I was about to say. I was sure what they expected was something along the lines of "Jacob and I are in love." or "Jake and I are getting married."

"Go ahead." Marybelle tried to hide her smile with a spoonful of potato salad.

Jake's knee bounced chaotically. He chewed on his lips and he stared directly into my eyes. The fear there blocked any sign of my Jacob, and instead there was a scared little boy waiting for his punishment, waiting to be shooed away. I sighed and tried to comfort him like I would be comforting my own son or daughter in just a few months. I squeezed his leg with my fingers.

"I'm pregnant." I stated while still comforting Jake, whose eyes were now wide and dark.

Charlie nearly choked on a piece of steak. Marybelle's fork dropped to her plate. Jake nervously twitched. The air swirled tightly around us. The kitchen's already small area seemed to confine us even more.

How could I be the only one okay with this?

"I didn't…" Marybelle almost whispered. "I mean, we didn't know you two were…" I tore my eyes from Jake's long enough to catch Marybelle turning toward Dad, whose face grew redder with the passing seconds, "dating."

I flinched, but didn't hesitate. "We're not."

"WHAT?" Dad erupted standing from his chair so quickly that it flew back and smacked the wall behind him.

Jacob jumped to his feet in response. I was sure it was so he could try to run before Dad reached his gun. Jake's leg bounced as his need to run grew with every word Dad yelled.

"You little…" Dad pointed his finger at Jake. He pulled his lips tightly together before he uttered something that he would never be able to take back. "JERK! How could you do this to my daughter? After all this time… how could you be so careless with her, Jake? I expected more from you. And now, you've ruined her!"

"Dad, I'm not ruined." I stumbled onto my feet. My hands seated themselves on my barely there baby bump. To anyone who didn't know, I had merely gained a pound or two. "I'm okay."

Marybelle reached out for Dad. Her hand calmed the shake in his. "Charlie, please… Bella doesn't need to be subjected to this kind of stress in her condition."

"Condition." Dad mumbled. He took a few deep breaths and gripped onto Marybelle's hand. "What are you going to do about this… baby?" Dad's stare intensely settled on Jake.

"Bella wants to… I want… We're going to keep it… the baby."

I'd never seen Jake so shaken before. Usually he was charismatic and able to take hold of any situation, but in that moment, he was weak, frail, and unsure of everything he said, of every move he made.

"Damn right you are!" Dad yelled again. Marybelle tugged his arm. "You're going to take damn good care of my daughter and your child. If I even hear a little bit differently, then I will find you."

"Yes sir. I understand." Jake's head tilted to the floor. "I plan to do everything I can for Bella and the baby. I promise. I'll do as good by them as I can."

"You better." Dad pointed, red returning to his face along with his anger.

Just then, Marybelle stood. Her eyes were wide with shock, but a gleam of sheer excitement flitted in them. "Bella, Jacob, I think you both should go for the evening. Let Charlie and I digest this. We'll call tomorrow to check on you."

I nodded in agreement, and Jake, well, he couldn't get out of there fast enough. He had hopped down the front porch steps and into the truck before I could manage to slip on my jacket. By the time Jacob revved the truck's engine, I was opening the passenger side door. I reached behind me and grabbed the seat belt and pulled it around me. As I did so, I watched Jacob's knee bouncing. Again I reached over and palmed his thigh.

"Jacob, it's okay." I silently pleaded with him to calm himself. "I think Dad took it pretty well, don't you?"

"He told me that I ruined you, Bella. How is that him taking it well?" Jake asked. The walls inside of him started to rebuild themselves.

"Well, he didn't grab his gun." I laughed, trying to make light of the situation. "And he didn't break your nose."

Jake nervously sighed. His bottom lip shook with anxiety. "Are you buckled?"

My chest tightened. A ball of nervous tension formed in my tummy. "Yes." I answered.

With a sideways glance, Jake nodded his head and swerved out of Dad's driveway causing gravel to fly from under the tires. His presence was cold and uninviting. I knew he didn't want to discuss Dad's reaction, but most of all I think he wondered what Billy's would be. Afterall, Billy had warned him about me, and the fact that I had gotten pregnant so close to Jake's chance at "freedom" would only add fuel to the fire.

My heart sank. In that moment, I knew Billy would get to Jake. Billy knew how to dig his way into Jacob's psyche. He would convince him that I had done this, that I had purposely gotten pregnant to take his freedom from him. And no matter how hard I would try to convince Jake I hadn't, Billy would always have the upper hand: he was his father.

How could I move to Pittsburgh? How could I live with Jake and allow him to take care of me when there was no true stature to our relationship. We were living the consequences of our fears, and one by one they began to materialize in front of us.

Jacob veered to the side of the road. After shifting to park, Jake unbuckled himself, reached over and unbuckled me, wrapped his warm, strong arms around my shoulders and squeezed. For that split second, Jake was himself again. I was overwhelmingly engulfed in him.

"I'm acting like an idiot." He whispered into my ear. The warmth of his breath tickled at the tiny hairs on my neck. "I'm sorry. This is a lot for me to take in."

"It is for me too." I answered, intertwining my fingers into his ponytail.

"You're taking it with a grain of salt, like it's no big deal."

"I don't mean to." I clenched my fist closed. "I'm not worried about taking care of the baby. I know I can do that. I'm worried about you."

"About me?" His muscles tensed. "Why are you worried about me?"

I released my grip on Jake's hair and pulled away enough to reach his face. With my palms resting gently on his cheeks, I brushed my nose against his.

"You keep everything bottled up. It eats away at you. It consumes you until you're not Jake anymore. You become someone else. I don't want _my_ Jake to go anywhere."

"You do the same, Bells. You keep me at arm's length."

"I have my reasons."

"Tell me them." Jake pleaded.

I shook my head no. Tears formed in the corners of my eyes.

"Please." This time his chin quivered. He nudged my nose with the tip of his. "I'll listen."

His voice was soft and delicate that even the air we breathed was far more dense.

"Tell me why you're so scared of me." A tear slid down my cheek. "And I'll tell you my reasons for keeping you at arm's length."

"I can't..." Jake muttered softly. "I want to." He squeezed his eyes shut. "But I can't."

"Why not? Tell me why you can't."

"I just can't, Bella. Leave it at that." Pulling from me, Jake straightened himself in the driver's seat. He reached behind him and buckled himself.

"Say it." I pleaded. My words alluded to not only why he was scared of me, but to those three words that I needed to hear from him. "Tell me. I'm begging you."

"Let it go." Jake said as he checked his mirrors, shifted out of park, and headed for Billy's.

"That's why I keep you at arm's length." I whispered staring toward the dozens of trees along the hillside.

I quietly sat in the truck staring at the Black's little red house. Nervous and scared were two adjectives that only nibbled at my feelings. Nausea twisted through me. My palms were clammy and my heart rapid with inconsistent beats. I mentally began to prepare myself for the possible lashing I would receive from Billy while Jake jumped out and headed for the front door. He was midway between the truck and the house when he realized I had yet to step one foot out of the truck. Jacob motioned for me to get out. When I didn't, he impatiently jogged to the truck door and swung it open.

"C'mon." He reached around me and unbuckled the seat belt.

I grabbed the seat belt just as it slid back. "I…" My mouth watered with warmth. My stomach heaved. I tried to swallow the warmth, but it stayed behind. A gag rolled from my throat to my mouth causing me to push Jacob far enough back to bend forward and empty my stomach. I wretched and heaved until there was nothing left. Jake awkwardly stood in front of me. Concern ran rampant on his face.

"You okay? I thought this," he motioned to the vomit on the ground, "was over with?"

I wiped the back of my hand over my mouth. "I… I can't go in there."

"You have to." Jake retorted. "I had to at Charlie's. You have to here. Besides, we're adults, right? What are they going to do?"

I snorted and looked up to Jake. "Your dad hates me."

"He doesn't hate you, Bells. His mind is just distorted. He worries about me… just like you do." Jacob hooked his hand under my arm and helped me step out of the truck.

I couldn't argue with Jake's reasoning. I suppose Billy and I were similar in the fact that we wanted nothing but the best for Jacob. The more time passed the less faith I had in that I was the best for him. My own guilt strangled our reality.

"Can't you tell him alone?"

"What?" Jake turned to me with wide eyes. "No. I need your moral support. You don't have to say anything. Just be there."

For the better part of the evening, I stayed quiet. I kept my eyes low. And although I never caught Billy staring at me, I could feel his cold, dark eyes boring a whole straight through the top of my head. He knew something was up the minute Jake and I showed up at his door unannounced. In fact, the first question out of his mouth was: "What are you doing here?"

Jake and Billy chatted about Jake's football career, about spring training, about summer camps, and about his eligibility to start his first season. Jacob nervously answered any questions Billy threw his way, and occasionally when Billy was out of the room, Jake would kiss my forehead, squeeze my shoulders, or wrap his hand around mine.

Then the moment came. Jake cleared his throat. He rested his elbows on his knees and pressed his hands together. From the corner of my eye, I watched as Jake dropped his head. Aerating from him was worry that his father would be disappointed and worry of what his father might say. Jake's leg shook nervously. I wanted to reach out and calm him, but I was frozen.

"Dad, I have something I need to tell you."

I don't know if he meant to or not, but Jacob leaned against me as though I were the rock holding him up. Little did he know, I was about to crumble.

"Go ahead." Billy worriedly spoke.

"I'm gonna…Bella is…We are…" Jake tried, but each attempt failed, and it broke my heart that I could do something so stupid that would put both of us in this situation. So, I tilted my head to look at Jake, who was in an oddly similar position to the one I was just in. His head hung between his shoulders and his hands pressed firmly together as he tried to gather the right words.

"Bella's pregnant." He finally spit the statement out.

"And what's that have to do with you or me? She's a big girl. She can get herself out of this situation." Billy dismissed Jacob's statement altogether.

"I got her pregnant." Jacob looked up. More of his weight rested against my side.

"You what?" Billy's eyes darted to me then back to Jacob. His tone was thick with venom and disappointment. "I warned you about this. I told you something like this would _happen_."

Every part of my being shrunk. Being in my skin felt foreign. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. All I could do was recoil back into myself as a way of protection.

"Why are you telling me this, Jacob?"

"I thought you'd like to know that you're going to be a grandfather." Jacob was shocked by his own father's reaction. I could see it written across his face.

"Tell me you're not keeping the bastard!" Billy snarled with a growl.

"I mean, Bella wants to." Jake glanced toward me. His hand motioned toward the shell of a person I had become.

"Oh. Well, what Bella wants, Bella gets." Billy sarcastically retorted.

Jacob replied with vengeance. "_I_ want to." His gaze caught mine, reassuring me that it was something he wanted too.

"I find that hard to believe." Billy snarled again. This time he didn't wait around to hear Jake respond.

"Why is that so hard to believe?" Jake yelled out after his dad. He stood and followed the path Billy had made toward the kitchen.

For what felt like an hour, I sat on the couch listening to Billy and Jacob argue. Billy insisted I hadn't given Jacob any options and that I was only trapping him because I couldn't let Jake get away. My stomach ate away at itself as all of the horrid, unrepeatable names Billy called me floated through the air. Jake tried hard to fight against the wisdom of his father's words. But, Billy's so called "wisdom" was nothing but lies. I hoped Jacob would know the truth, but I could only hold onto that hope for so long.

"Let me guess, Jake, Bella spread her little legs right when you went to Florida, and now just as you're starting your career she miraculously ends up pregnant. What about that isn't convenient? She's trapping you son." Billy's voice was thick with concern and disgust.

"Bella's not like that." Jake replied with less will power than before.

"Neither was Jessica."

All fell silent. Billy's mention of Jessica halted any further debate. He had Jake in checkmate, and there wasn't one thing that Jake could do to prove otherwise. I understood that. I understood how it looked from the outside. There was only one way to convince anyone that I wanted nothing more from Jake than his heart and love, and that would be detrimental to Jacob.

The ride back to my tiny apartment was quiet. Jake kept to his side of the rusty old truck, and I kept to mine. A thickness, a sadness, surrounded him. It vibrated in the air. It flowed off of him in waves of coldness. Billy metaphorically held Jake by throat.

Jacob spent the night on the couch. He insisted it was only for the best, that it had nothing to do with what Billy said, but I knew better. I knew there was a part of Jacob that questioned every last detail of what had happened between the two of us over the years. And I could only wish that he would see the truth in my actions. I may not have spoken my feelings, but I had to have at least shown him in one way or the other.

Wordless Jacob broke his silence the following day as we were sitting in the waiting room of my OB/GYN. "Come back to Pittsburgh with me."

"Do you really want to have this conversation right now?" I asked quietly trying to keep our problems from the ears of the other pregnant women in the room.

"Yes." Jake leaned toward me.

"No." I answered him discretely nodding with a smile at a woman who sat to the left of me.

"I thought you were thinking about it?" Jake's eyebrow rose in shock.

"Well, let's just say that yesterday changed my mind."

"Are you serious?" Jake's voice spoke just over a whisper.

"Isabella Swan." A nurse pushed through the door. I greeted her with a nod and stood, yanking Jake's t-shirt when he stayed seated. Jake hopped to his feet and nervously adjusted his t-shirt. The nurse waved us through the doorway, weighed me, checked my temperature and blood pressure, then guided us to the exam room, where she instructed me to undress from the waist down and to cover with the paper cover.

Jacob was comical at best. He walked around the exam room looking at the many diagrams hanging from the walls. His face would turn up in disgust or he'd spout off some random fact that I had never heard. Just as Jake was about to open the cabinets, the doctor knocked on the door.

"Isabella," Dr. Conlin entered the room, "Nice to see you again. How are you feeling?"

"Better." I smiled. "The morning sickness has waned. My boobs are sore, and I'm gaining weight in all the wrong places."

Dr. Conlin laughed and adjusted her red rimmed glasses. "Let's see you're about twelve weeks along now. So, it sounds like you're right on track. I just want to go over a few questions I have before I examine you."

"Okay." I nodded. Jacob stood awkwardly next to me. He shoved his hands into his jeans and watched Dr. Conlin carefully write down my answers.

"Have you experienced any cramping, bleeding, or contractions?"

"No."

"Any weird food cravings?"

"Spaghetti with syrup and tomatoes covered in pickle juice."

Jake scrunched up his nose. My mouth watered.

"And is this the father?"

"Yes." We both answered.

Jake pushed his hand out. "Jacob. Jacob Black." Dr. Conlin clasped her hand in Jake's and shook it, a blush formed on her cheeks.

"Nice to meet you, Jacob. Glad to see you made it. Not many fathers do." Dr. Conlin released Jake's hand. She stepped toward the sink and took a pair of sterile gloves from the box over it. "Alrighty, Isabella, if you want to go ahead and lean back. I'll begin my examination. It'll be just like your first, but at the end of this one, we'll hopefully get to hear the baby's heart. Sound good?"

Jacob retreated to my side and laced his fingers into mine. He looked down to me, and I looked up to him. Smiles spread across our faces. Dr. Conlin put on the gloves and slid her small black stool toward the edge of the examiner's table I was sitting on. Pulling the stirrups out, she lifted my legs by my calves and placed my heels in the stirrups.

Once Dr. Conlin thoroughly examined my cervix and uterus, she pushed back her stool and removed her gloves. "Everything seems great. You're doing a wonderful job. Baby seems to be happy. Are you guys ready to hear the heart beat?"

I squeezed Jake's hand causing him to drop his eyes to me. My lip quivered with nerves, but Jake calmed them by placing a gentle kiss on my hairline. With a smile, he whispered, "Everything's going to be okay. I promise."

"Nervous?" Dr. Conlin asked as she retrieved an odd looking device, which could only be described as looking like a mini microphone hooked to a speaker.

"I've read that sometimes there is no heart beat."

Jacob squeezed my hand tightly. I could feel the shake in his fingers beginning.

"It happens from time to time." Dr. Conlin nodded. "But, I see no reason for concern. I know it's hard to trust my word, so let's just see what we hear, huh?"

With that said Dr. Conlin placed a blob of clear jelly onto my stomach and touched the microphone to my skin. For a moment there was no sound, just what seemed to be a muted water noise, but then as Dr. Conlin slid the microphone midways across my stomach, I heard the most beautiful sound. Describing it would only take away from the feeling it gave me, but coming from the small speaker was a light, muted blub-dub.

Tears fell from my eyes. Warmth and love bloomed inside of me like a flower in the spring. This love, I couldn't describe it. It was nothing like I had felt for Jake, and nothing like I had felt the moment I found out that I was pregnant. This love was one of a kind, pure, and unconditional.

Jake brushed his lips just above my ear. "That's our baby." He whispered. Although his voice was soft and airy, it cracked with emotion. "We made that…together."

_Say it. _I thought. _Just say it._

Buying a few moments to build my courage, I turned my face to his. Jacob's onyx eyes were clouded with tears that clung to his lashes out of pure determination. He smiled his naturally beautiful and bright Jacob smile, which was just as contagious as it always had been. My lips spread wide, my smile mirroring his. Nudging his nose with mine, Jake started a series of Eskimo kisses interlaced with the lightest of feather light kisses.

"Jake, I…" I started to say.

"Would you two like a recording of the heartbeat?" Dr. Conlin interrupted. She looked up from my belly and immediately apologized. "Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt."

"We'd love one." Jake declared standing strait and swallowing hard.

"Could you make two? Just in case the grandparents want one?" I answered, defeated that I was so close to telling him that I loved him.

"Of course." Dr. Conlin replied politely and pressed a tiny red button on the amplifier.

We left the doctor's office hand-in-hand. Jacob lead the way just slightly as we made our way toward the diner just a few blocks up the road. Each time someone passed us, Jake would stop and turn slightly, protectively eyeing the small baby bump that was hardly visible. When we reached the diner, he held the door open and guided me in with our locked hands resting on the small of my back. He picked out a booth at the far end of the diner. And with a strong hand, Jake guided me into the booth and sat eerily close to me. Our shoulders brushed as we both looked over the menu.

My eyes enlarged at the amounts of delicious sounding food. I mindlessly licked my lips as I read over each item. Jake quickly glanced over the menu and closed it, placing it back into the menu holder behind the salt and pepper shakers. Still engulfed in the menu, I spied as Jake lifted his arm and rested it behind me along the top of the booth. He watched as I indecisively named off several menu items that I'd like to try and chuckled lightly. He leaned even closer into me, placing a gentle kiss on my cheek.

"Hungry?" He asked playing with the napkin covered silverware with his free hand.

"Starving." I murmured and went back to studying the menu.

"Order everything on the menu if you want, babe. I don't care how much it costs. You feed that little guy whatever he wants." Jake brought his arm from behind me and rested his forearms on the table.

"Babe?" I quirked my eyebrow at him. He never used terms of endearment. "And who says it's a boy? What are you going to do if the baby's a girl?"

"Make sure I have a shot gun handy at all times." Jake cackled a laugh. "Yeah, and she won't be allowed to talk to boys until she's eighty."

"Overkill much?" I snorted a laugh and chose a couple of dishes from the menu before placing it behind the salt and pepper shakers. "Besides, boys and girls can be friends."

It was Jake's turn to quirk his eyebrow at me. "You have to be kidding."

"Well…. they can be." I shrugged.

Jake's mouth was suddenly close to my ear. Warmth passed over the skin there as he spoke. "I'll show you exactly how much of a friend I am when we get back to your place."

Tingles and electric shocks jolted through my veins. Jacob pressed his lips just below my earlobe and slipped his tongue out just lightly enough for me to feel it. My overactive hormones kicked into even higher gear and nearly flooded my panties. I squeezed my legs together and fought the blush creeping up my cheeks.

"Ahem."

Jake and I jerked our heads toward the clearing throat. Both of our jaws dropped, and I was sure my eyes bugged out of my head.

Standing at the edge of the table was Jessica Stanley. In her hand was a small order booklet. Her hair was messily tied at the base of her neck. And covering her red and white plaid waitress uniform was a grease stained pink apron.

I inwardly grumbled. Discontent and anger ran rampant in my veins as Jessica tapped her ink pin on the green order pad. My eyes flitted across her disheveled, over-worked appearance. That's when satisfaction flooded me, and I fought off a smile. Her high school intentions had come back around. She seemed to be paying for all the foolish, horrible lies she told Jake. When my eyes came back to her face, I noticed the red blush covering her cheeks. Jessica looked everywhere but toward Jake. And in that moment, I forgot about my pleasure.

Jacob hadn't moved a millimeter. His muscles restricted. Slow, even breaths lifted his upper torso just slightly. With a bowed head, Jake began to bounce his leg. At first it was a slow and even rhythm, but the more time that passed the quicker and uneven the bouncing became. My chest burned with anxious tension. I watched as Jake relived the minutes of utter worthlessness in the hall at Forks High. I watched as he felt that familiar burning ache of heartbreak. And I watched as his breathing picked up.

Reaching under the table, I placed a gentle hand on Jake's bouncing thigh. I rested my chin on his shoulder. My lips were just a breath away from his ear. I wanted to say something, to comfort him with my words, but what was I supposed to say at a time like this?

I squeezed the muscle of Jake's thigh tightly. "Wanna go?" The rigidity in his muscles released. Ease fell over him. As he relaxed, Jake leaned against me. He turned his beautifully sculpted face in my direction and lipped 'thank you'. The darkness in his eyes was something I hadn't witnessed since that day in the hallway. "Welcome." I whispered.

"Can I take your order?" Somehow Jessica had spun sarcasm into what should have been a greeting.

Jacob twisted his attention and body toward Jessica. Under my fingers I felt a wave of tense anger pass through him. And for a moment, I was worried that he'd unleash himself, that he'd rip her apart, but that worry waned when Jake clasped his hand over mine. He pulled my clutching fingers from his thigh and stood. Jacob helped me slide out of the booth. As I stood, Jake's fingers twisted into mine and he held tightly onto me.

"You know, Bells, suddenly I'm not that hungry. The customer service in this placed has went to shit. They should really watch who they hire. You never know what kind of liar they'll turn out to be."

Jessica dropped her order pad and mouthed a "whatever". With a disgusted roll of her eye, she watched as Jake pulled me through the diner toward the front door. Just as our escape was within reach, the bell above the door rang and it swung open nearly smacking me right in the face.

"Watch it!" Jacob growled. His first reaction was to slide his arm across my midsection, and his second was to angrily warn whoever it was that carelessly slung open the door. "She's fucking pregnant."

"Oh fuck. Sorry man." A familiar voice boomed through my ears. I peered over Jake's arm to see who the voice belonged to. Just then, Paul and Quil bounded through the doors. Both of them were covered in grease. The smell of motor oil and gasoline burned my nose. My stomach lurched at the odor.

"Paul? Quil?" Jacob disbelievingly asked.

"Well, fuck, look who dragged his professional ass back into town." Paul laughed.

Jake released his protective stance and reached out, taking Paul's greasy hand into his. Paul pulled Jake into a one-armed, hand-shake hug. "Who'd you knock… Bella!"

"Hi Paul." I blushed and nervously crossed my arms over my midsection, trying to hide any evidence of my pregnancy. "It's good to see you." I tried to smile, but I was sure it looked forced and pained.

"Well, ain't that just cuter than a shaved dog's ass." Quil quirkily greeted Jake the same as Paul had. However, neither of their attention was on Jacob. Their eyes rested solely on me and my crossed arms.

"Man, shut up." Jacob pushed Quil's shoulder playfully.

"Yeah, shut up, Quil. Don't talk shit." Paul pushed Quil's other shoulder. "I got three little ones at home myself."

Jake wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "Who'd you…"

"Alyssa Hawk and Danielle Pine." Quil interjected. "At the same time!"

"Not at the same time, you idiot!" Paul bumped into Quil's shoulder. "Got them both pregnant within two months of each other. One of 'em popped out a boy and the other gave me a little girl. Let me tell ya man, there's nothing like having a little girl. It'll change everything."

"How far are you along?" Paul dropped his callous side. A soft grin worked its way to his face.

"She's twelve weeks today, right?" Jacob beamed. "We were just about to eat when… Wait you said you had three kids."

Paul nodded, but his eyes were far off behind us. They lurked behind my head.

"Who else did you get pregnant?" Jake questioned.

Paul didn't answer, instead we followed his angry gaze, which met the disheveled stare of Jessica.

"No fucking way. Are you a lunatic?"

"That's what I said!" Quil thrummed.

"Hey…it was supposed to be just a fuck buddy type thing, but somehow she fucking ended up pregnant." Paul snarled.

Jacob chuckled to himself. "Dude… you shoulda known better. Glad it's you and not me."

For a good fifteen minutes, Jacob, Paul, and Quil caught each other up on their lives. Paul, Quil, and Jared jointly owned a local mechanic shop. Quil was still single and lived above the shop. Jared married his college sweetheart just after he graduated with a bachelor's degree in Business Management, and was expecting twins any day.

"Any of you heard from Embry? We haven't talked to him since his mom died." Embry's name caused a pained expression to flutter across Jake's face and a twitch in my heart.

"Uhm… not really." Jacob answered. "Bella would know…"

"I haven't talked to him." I blurted out, guilt still lingering in my heart. "Since you know…" I swallowed and glanced toward Jake, who looked toward the ground and then back up to Paul. "I guess he's still in New York at school."

"I heard that he was moving back." Quil chimed in. "He's finished with art school. Grandma Call said he was going to try to have a showing or some shit like that."

Paul and Jake stared wide eyed at Quil, who seemed to be nothing but oblivious to their confused expressions. I, on the other hand, felt my heart leap from my chest. My lungs quivered grasping at the short pants of oxygen entering them.

"Ateara, what the fuck man? I asked you about Embry like three months ago." Paul fumed.

"Yeah." Quil shrugged. "That got me curious, so I visited Grandma Call. She makes a fuckin' mean peach pie."

Embry was moving back to La Push. I didn't know what to think or how to feel not after what happened. That night brought closure. It brought me peace, but I couldn't help but feel the slightest bit of excitement that he would be back in town. There was so much I needed to tell him.

My hand floated to my little baby bump. Gently I scooted my fingers forward and back, comforting myself of any nervous thought or tension. Over the passing weeks, I continued to caress my ever growing baby bump. It soon became one of Jacob's favorite things to watch me do. And often, when we were falling asleep or just sitting on the couch eating whatever I wanted to eat, Jake's hand would gently rest on his baby, our baby, and patiently wait to feel it move.

Jacob's visits picked up after he heard the heart beat. He became more sensitive to our surroundings, what I put into my body, and my mood swings. He was mindful of my crazy hormone surges and welcomed them with a loving smile, a kiss on the lips, and a gentle caress.

It was just like we were a couple who had been dating for years, but we weren't. That thought always lingered in the back of my mind. Always rearing its ugly face at the sweetest of times. And when those horrible moods hit me, if Jake was in town, then he would disappear for hours on end.

By my nineteenth week of pregnancy, Jacob had all but lived a bicoastal life. Half of the week he was in Pittsburg. The other half, he lived in La Push or he stayed with me in my tiny apartment. On a random week day, Jacob decided to fly in. I had been running errands in Seattle for the addition to the aquarium, so I volunteered to pick him up.

As soon as he stepped foot out of the automatic glass doors, I could see fatigue and exhaustion on his beautiful face. Jake yawned and stretched as he glanced around the pick-up area for me. I smiled, my heart melting as his warm, bright smile spread wide across lips at the site of me. I waved my hand into the air.

Jake wheeled his luggage to the truck and pulled open the tailgate and placed his bag inside. Just as he closed the tailgate, I rounded the back of the truck and awaited his response to my almost too tight t-shirt and jeans that I barely buttoned.

A wide grin parted his luscious lips. "You look…" he shook his head and paused just long enough for me to wrap my arms over my swollen belly. "Absolutely beautiful." Jake placed his wide hands onto my rounded stomach and rubbed softly.

Both of his hands were positioned on either side of my stomach. His thumbs swiped up and down as he knelt down. Now at face level with my swollen belly, Jake leaned in and placed a gentle kiss in the center of my stomach. With his lips still lingering on my belly, Jacob began to whisper love and adoration to our child.

"Hi baby."He whispered. "I missed you. You better be treating your Momma well. She loves you. You know that right? I love you too."

Those words made my heart ricochet off my ribs. My breath caught in my lungs. Burning tears welled up into my eyes. I glanced toward the grey sky and begged for someone, anyone, to please answer my prayers. All I wanted was for Jake to say those words to me too.

And then a warm wind circled me as a flutter of movement in my belly jolted my attention back down. I gasped and placed a hand just to the side of Jake's right hand.

Jacob looked up from my belly. His brows pulled together. Worry and anxiety flooded his onyx eyes. "What? What's wrong?"

Just as Jake spoke, it happened again. A gentle nudge, a soft squirm, a little flutter.

A wild loving warmth cocooned me. "The baby's moving."

Another flutter.

"It is?" Jake whispered. His attention moved from my face to my belly. He concentrated as he spoke. "You're moving now, huh?" A nudge bumped the side of my hand just between where Jake's hand met mine. He gasped. "You're moving," he said proudly. Jacob straightened his stance out, removed his hands from my belly, and pressed his lips lovingly to mine. "You're doing such a good job."

Once we'd gathered ourselves, Jake jumped into the driver's seat of the truck and waited patiently for me to climb into the passenger's seat and buckle my seatbelt. We drove in silence until Jake passed up the exit for my apartment.

"You just missed…"

"I know." Jake smirked. He reached over and turned the volume on the radio down just a bit. "Look, I've been living between La Push and Pittsburg for a few weeks now. As much as I love my dad, he can be a handful." Jake's eyebrow lifted, and I knew immediately what he meant. "And I really like staying with you, but your apartment is so small and it's only one bedroom. We need another bedroom for the baby."

"We?" I interjected.

"Just listen… So, I took the liberty of calling around to a few realtors. One of them found a house by second beach that I think you'll really love."

"What? I mean… I can't afford…"

"You're not going to be paying for it. It's not your responsibility."

"But Jake, we can't."

"Why can't we?"

"We're _friends._" I exaggerated the word so that maybe he'd understand that while I did love him more than anyone else in this world our relationship status had yet to change. And if it had, then he hadn't told me about it.

Jake guffawed. "_We're_ having a baby."

As much as I wanted to find some reason as to why I shouldn't be happy about moving into a house that Jake was buying for us, I couldn't find a single one. And maybe it was time that I stopped telling Jake that we were just friends. Maybe it was more than that. Maybe he just wasn't ready. Maybe this was his way of telling me that he wanted to be more than my friend.

"I guess you're right." I stated as I cleared my throat. "I mean we are having a baby, so that makes us a little more than friends."

Jacob smiled softly. "Something like that." He winked and continued driving until we reached the modest house.

The house had pale yellow siding, but it was perfect. Surrounding the entire house was a bright white porch. Tall white pillars broke up the white railing every twenty feet or so, and just to the right of the house was a giant fenced in yard. To the left was what I was sure Jake was more excited about and that was a giant three car garage. Separating the garage and the house were neatly groomed bushes. And back behind the house stood a giant pine tree. As I stepped out of the truck, I noticed far off in the distance the echoing sounds of crashing waves. I closed my eyes and sniffed the salty, ocean air, reveling in the freshness of it.

Jacob closed the truck door. "I bought the house about two weeks ago actually. It needed a few things done to it before I showed it to you, but as soon as I saw it, Bells, I knew it would be something you loved."

I opened my eyes and was surprised to see him rounding the front of the truck. He reached out and took my hand, interlacing our fingers. "Let's go inside."

As we explored the inside of the house, Jacob asked my opinions and preferences for the kitchen, living area, dining area, and family room. He then led me down the hall showing me the spare bathroom, the guest bedroom, and the "extra" bedroom.

Toward the end of the hall were two more doors. My tummy fluttered, but this time it wasn't the baby moving. This time it was the ball of familiar butterflies flapping their wings. I wasn't sure what to say when Jake opened the door to right of us. He smiled and turned toward me, but I kept my distance. I stayed back and only peered in.

"This is the nursery." Elation clearly etched onto every single inch of his face.

I smiled too, but my hands grew sweaty at the thought of the only door left. What would he call it? _Our _room? That wasn't right, but essentially it was. Jacob was proposing we move in together so we could take care of our child together, but this felt more like… something someone does for their pregnant wife.

"Jake…" I tried to breathe through my restricted lungs. "I'm… I don't know about this."

"Know about what?" Jake twisted the knob to the master bedroom and pushed open the door. He entered the room seemingly sure of everything happening around him.

"This all seems a little fast… I mean we haven't even…said…" I stood rigidly at the door. I hinted toward the lack of emotional expression between the two of us. It was as though we had skipped right over that part. Jake and I had experienced everything together; we'd said everything short of "I love you". But it was the one thing I desperately needed.

I grew unsure of the situation at hand the longer he took to respond.

"I know we haven't." Jake shoved his hands in his pockets. "You don't…" he hesitated looking up at me. A question flared in his black eyes. "I mean…I…" Jacob swallowed thickly. Fear zapped to his beautifully flaring eyes, and instead of what I thought I was going to hear, instead of those precious three words, he took the offer from the table. "This is the master, my room, and well, you can…. if you want to. If not then you can take one of the other rooms." Jacob pointed in the direction of the "extra" room and the guest room. He followed the direction he was pointing in until he passed me in the hall. "I figure I can buy some of the furniture while I'm in this time." He paused then turned toward me and placed is hand over my stomach. "But I won't be able to come back in for another couple of weeks after this visit. Coach has added a few extra practices to gear up for our game with Dallas."

I nodded in disappointment. "I understand." I breathed, then it dawned on me. "Jake, the sonogram appointment to find out the sex of the baby is in a few weeks. Are you going to be able to come?"

"I'll try my hardest, but I can't promise you that I will. All I can say is that I'll do everything I can to be there. I wouldn't want to miss it for the world." Jake's own disappointment leaked into his words. I could see that he had hopes of being there for that special moment, but it started to fade the longer he thought of it.

"Well, it's okay if you don't. I'll get print outs and a DVD if I can."

"It wouldn't be the same."

"I know." I sighed. I regretted not moving to Pittsburg now. I saw the results of my stubbornness as the tired lines on Jacob's face and in his absence for monumental moments. I reached out palming the side of his cheek and tugged his face toward mine. When his nose was within reach, I passed mine over his from side to side, softening the disappointment and regret running rampant inside of us.

It was during our Eskimo kiss that I decided to give into Jake. I would move in with him. I would give in just a bit more than I would have just so he could have a sense of relief – even if it meant sacrificing my need for this to be a real relationship, for us to be together in the way a man and woman should. And who's to say that it wouldn't happen after I moved into this utterly perfect house?

"We definitely need to buy one of those huge beds like you had in Florida." I perched my lips and kissed him sweetly.

Jacob's smile broke the kiss. "Yeah? You're moving in?" His voice rose with surprise and excitement, and I couldn't help but laugh a bit and nod.

_I was moving in._

The pregnancy progressed week by week. Jake's absence was felt deep to my bones. In just the few short weeks that he had been living a bicoastal life, I had grown accustomed to curving into his side at night time and waking up wrapped neatly in his arms. Not moving to Pittsburg weighted heavily on my shoulders and with each passing week, I regretted it more and more.

"I miss you." I whispered into the receiver of the phone. "I wish you were going to be here for the sonogram." The sound of Jacob's breathing eased my nerves a bit, but still the fluttering butterflies flapped their wings.

"Me too, Bells. I'm sorry." His apology was woven deep into his words. "I'll be back in La Push before you know it."

I rolled onto my back and stared at my rounded stomach. My once innie belly button now was a little nub poking out of my stomach. With my index finger, I gently pushed on it and was greeted with a kick from the baby. I smiled and rubbed my hand over where the baby had just kicked. "Okay. But this is just going to get harder on you with all of the games and practices."

"I'll make it work." Jake spoke confidently.

"Promise?" My lip quivered. I missed him far more than I wanted him to know.

"I promise."

"I can't wait to see what we're having though." Once I had decided to officially move in with Jacob, I began speaking of us in the singular form. I had to admit, it gave me butterflies to think that we were finally moving past the friend zone.

"Me either. I think it's a boy, but I can't say that I would be disappointed if it were a girl." I could hear the smile in Jake's voice. "I've been talking to some of the guys on the team who have kids and they always say the mom's know the sex. What do you think we're having?"

With my hand on my stomach, I closed my eyes and cleared my mind. I concentrated on my breathing – in and out, in and out. Was I having a boy or a girl? A flutter spun in my abdomen and a warm wind encompassed me.

"Girl." I smiled and opened my eyes.

That night I slept as well as I could. It seemed that the more swollen my abdomen became the less sleep I was able to get. But, I knew that even what little bit of sleep I was getting now would dwindle to hardly any at all after the baby was born. I was okay with that.

The following day I was more excited than nervous as I laid with an exposed belly covered in what felt like grape jelly and lube mixed together. My heart rapidly beat as the technician moved the device over my belly taking measurements, nodding his head, and pressing buttons.

"Anything yet?" I chewed on my bottom lip.

"Looking now." The technician spoke with a smile. "Is this your first child?"

"Yeah." I nodded and watched the screen as if I could actually tell what was what.

"Oh! There we go. Are you ready to know what you're having?"

I closed my eyes and wished that Jake would appear next to me. I wished that he was holding my hand, but he wasn't and that was my fault. So I nodded my head and fought off the tears as the technician jubilantly said, "You're going to have a baby girl." He then proceeded to turn the monitor in my direction and point out all of the necessary parts, but my heart was stammering in my chest. Warmth and love coursed through my veins. The fact that our baby was a girl made it all that much more real.

"Can I get a copy of this for… for the dad?" The smile that had been fixated on my lips since I heard "girl" was hard to speak through, but I nervously did anyway.

"Absolutely. I'll make you some print outs and a copy of the sonogram." The technician wiped away the goop from my belly. "You can sit up. And I'll be right back." He flipped the light switch and exited the room leaving me to myself.

I took a giant breath. The exhale of air parted my lips forcefully. Tears trickled their way onto my cheeks and I nervously reached for my cell phone. I dialed Jacob's number and waited for him to pick-up, but it went straight to voicemail. Squeezing my eyes shut in frustration, I left Jake a quick voicemail. "Hey Jake. I just finished the sonogram. Please call me back when you get a chance…" I hesistated. "Love you" settled at the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't do it. An "I love you" at the end of the voicemail was in bad taste, and so I ended the call just in time for the technician to come back with copies of the sonogram and print-outs of our little girl.

As I exited the doctor's office, I dialed Marybelle.

"Bella! I've been waiting on your call. I'm standing in the middle of Babies'R'Us waiting for you to tell me what color I should get."

Marybelle and Dad's attitude about the pregnancy changed with time. Dad no longer thought Jake ruined me, and in fact, he and Jake regularly watched some type of sports games together when he was in town. Everyone in our lives accepted our baby, accepted that our mistakes had gifted us with a life that would forever change the course of ours.

"Pink." I smirked as I headed toward the truck, which was parked in the parking lot of the bookstore.

"IT'S A GIRL!" Marybelle cheered!

"Yeah. I'm having a girl!" I laughed. Elation, excitement, and love flowed through every little crevice of me.

"Bella?" The sugary sweetness that was interlaced into the letters of my name stopped me dead in my tracks. "Is that you?"

Reluctant to turn, I froze. I was unsure if he had seen me or my protruding belly or if he had overheard the conversation I was having with Marybelle, so I turned my head just enough to glance in his direction. And surely enough, there he was in all of his perfectly beautiful glory.

"Embry, hi!" I nearly squealed with the phone receiver still to my ear.

"Uh-oh." Marybelle's voice lowered as if he could hear her. "I should let you go. Do you want me to? Or do you need me to cause a distraction?"

"No, you're fine. I was just about to jump in the truck and head home for lunch anyway. I'll talk to you later."

Ending the call, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, forgetful of how much Embry's sugary sweetness affected me. It was growing thicker. I could feel the sweet air wrapping around me as his presence grew nearer.

I didn't want to be rude. I didn't want Embry to think I was avoiding him, so I let go of my reluctance. I washed myself of any hazardous thoughts and turned.

At first, I didn't think Embry noticed my swollen abdomen, because his smile was wide and bright. His eyes sparkled with delight as their ever familiar greyness flitted over my face. As they traveled lower taking in my appearance was when the mood changed. Embry lifted his eyebrows and his eyes rested on the baby bump and my obtrusively pointy belly button.

Subconsciously, I placed my free hand on the side of my stomach. Looking down to my rounded tummy, a smile broke free as my baby girl moved inside of me. I couldn't be ashamed of the little piece of perfection growing there. It didn't matter that she was created out of stupid mistakes. What mattered was that she was alive and well. And absolutely perfect.

"You look…" Embry's voice was a lot like fine wine. It was still that same sweet flavor but aged just enough to add depth, "pregnant."

I laughed. "Yeah." I caught his eyes searching for evidence of marriage or engagement. Immediately, I dropped my hand from my stomach and slid it into the pocket of my jeans. "Twenty-three weeks actually."

Embry nodded his head. "That's cool. What are you having?"

I flinched at his words. Was that what we had come to? Awkward conversations in parking lots about my accidental pregnancy? I hated it. It wasn't what I wanted with him, but then again… I never really knew.

"Girl." I smiled, trying to play off the conversation as nonchalantly as I could, but he was getting to me. His sweetness was making me come unglued.

"Who's…" Embry's voice trailed off just as he started to ask. I was sure he was afraid to find out who the father was, but I think a part of him knew. He shoved his hands into his jeans and shrugged his shoulders toward me.

"Jake."

That one name flooded a mirage of feelings across Embry's face. The first was utter shock, hurt, disbelief, and then acknowledgement. Maybe he had been right all those years ago. Maybe Embry had seen something I hadn't, something Jake hadn't.

"Ah." He nodded. "I figured you guys would be off in Pittsburg or wherever it is he's playing."

"Well, we…_he_ just bought a place by second beach a few weeks ago. It's nice."

"Nice." Embry's eyes dropped toward the asphalt of the parking lot. His sweetness retracted. "I didn't know you guys were…"

"It's complicated." I interrupted. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Well, hey…it was good seeing you." Embry took a step back. His eyes still low to the ground.

"You too." I smiled the fakest smile I could while inside I felt like someone was tying me into a million tiny knots.

"See you around." Embry turned to go. His broad shoulders sagged just enough for me to recognize the heaviness on them.

The conversation hadn't went as well as I wanted it to. In fact, it hadn't gone well at all. And what I wanted was an acknowledgement that we had been close to this point, that it could have been us. I wanted that connection. I wanted to feel that he still cared for me, even just a little bit, because I cared for him too.

"Em, wait!" I yelled after him and took a few steps forward. Stopping in his tracks, Embry turned just enough for me to see his beautifully constructed profile. The sadness in his eyes flooded me with my own. "So that's it?"

Embry stared toward the ground again. In that split second I saw both of his choices. He could walk away completely and forget that he ever ran into me, or he could acknowledge my outstretched hand and be my friend. It was a lot to ask. I understood that, but I couldn't fight the exasperated breath of relief when he turned and slowly approached me. He stopped when my swollen belly brushed against his flat abdomen.

"How else is it supposed to be?" He asked looking down to me.

"Not like this." I shook my head and wrapped my arms around his midsection. I rested my head against his chest. His heart thumped loudly and his body stricken with indecisiveness, but he gave in just as I had with Jake. Embry wrapped his arms around my shoulders and rested his chin on my head.

I wasn't sure if it was my pregnancy hormones or the fact that I was relieved, but tears trickled out of my eyes. Sniffling against his chest, I breathed in all of his sweetness again and reveled in the fact that he was so warm, so comforting, and so loving with me.

"Sorry," he spoke. The vibrations in his neck tickled my head. "It's hard knowing I was right."

"It's not what you think, Em." I cried softly.

Embry released his embrace and clasped his hands on my shoulders. He gently pushed me back until I looked up. "What do you mean?" His forehead wrinkled with question.

My stomach growled, and the baby kicked. "Can we talk about it over lunch?"

Embry pressed his lips together and thought for a moment. "I don't think it's a good idea, Bells."

The way my name fell off his lips sent a chill down my spine. "Why not?"

"You know what happened the last time." He whispered.

I nodded. "I do."

"So maybe, maybe this is better. Maybe us being friends will come in time, but I can't right now."

"Why can't you?" Tears welled up in my eyes and my voice cracked.

"I can't lie to you, Bells. When I saw you walking across the parking lot, when you came by after Mom died…I hoped that I was wrong. I still loved you then and seeing you today… I thought the same thing."

Embry's admission had my heart beating twice what it normally would have. My hands shook. My eyes watered with giant tears that I didn't know I was crying. Em brought his thumb up to my cheek and swiped away a tear. I stared up at him getting lost in his perfectly grey eyes and his ever comforting sweetness. Embry gazed into my eyes. Love poured from the grey pools taking me back to being eighteen and in love with someone who felt the same. A soft sob parted my lips as Embry neared them. "I _still_ love you." Embry said gently and as lightly as a feather in the wind, he grazed his lips against mine.

As quickly as his sweet lips pressed against mine, they were gone. I kept my eyes squeezed shut for a moment, not able to come back to reality. Not able to face the truth that I could feel him walking away. The air was far bitterer than it had been with him standing in front of me.

"Goodbye, Bells."

Hesitantly, my eyes fluttered open. Blurred by heart wrenching tears, I saw nothing but cars and the looming darkness of the grey clouds above. My lip quivered. I turned my attention in all directions, trying to catch just one last glimpse of him, but there was not one ounce of familiarity or sweetness in any direction.

How was I supposed to deal with this? How?

Tears bled down my cheeks. A sob escaped my throat as I turned in a circle - again, trying to find any evidence of Embry. It was the second, desperate look that I made toward the alley that stopped my heart from beating.

Embry stood at the corner of the bookstore at the mouth of the alley. His head drooped toward the ground. The weight of unrequited love weighted heavily on his back. And it was then that I recognized that look. I had worn it for years. I had experienced that exact same feeling. Just then Embry glanced over his shoulder to me. And instead of a sad or angry expression, Embry curved the corner of his lip up just enough to make my heart skip a beat.

"Bye." I lipped a whisper into the air, hoping that the wind would carry it to his ears, but it didn't need to.

Embry nodded and disappeared into the alley.

My cell phone vibrated in my hand, but I stared toward the alley unable to comprehend that Embry willingly just walked out of my life again. I couldn't shake the fact that he still had so much pull with me. Just seeing him for five minutes had yanked me into his corner again, had me wishing that I had chosen to ignore his pleas just before he ran off to New York. But I had, and I did. I had to face my reality, and my reality was that I was in love with Jacob. I was having his child, not Embry's. Jacob was my other half, and I chose my path years ago.

Incessant vibrations went off in my hand again. I looked down to my phone's caller ID. And there was a goofy picture of Jacob with his bright blue tongue out. A small giggle passed through my lips as I pushed the button to answer the phone.

"Hey!"

"Where are you?" Jake's baritone voice soothed the ache in my chest – just like it always did. When I talked to him, the rest of the world ceased to exist.

"In the parking lot outside of the Doctor's office." I answered. "Why?"

"Did you already go in?" Jacob sounded a bit frantic. Just then I heard a car horn blare not only in the background of the cell phone but from what sounded like just up the street.

"Yeah. My appointment was at 1:30. Where are you?"

As soon as those words parted my lips, a shiny black car pulled into the lot, and Jacob answered. "Right in front of you."

I dropped my phone from my ear while Jacob stepped from the car. Warmth encircled me and his bright smile settled my heart. I wiped away the tears from my cheeks and sniffled back the remnants of the conversation with Embry.

"Why are you crying?" I heard Jacob say and when I looked up, he was standing in front of me, worry rampant on his face.

I heaved a sigh, my shoulders lifting and dropping in a dramatic fashion. "It's just…" I contemplated telling Jake about seeing Embry, about our conversation, but I didn't want it to hinder the good news he deserved to hear. So, I omitted what had just happened. "Happy tears."

Jacob nodded, his eyes watching as a few more tears fell effortlessly from my eyes. "Okay." He breathed out his worry. "Everything's okay with the baby?"

"Yeah. Sorry." I tried to shake away Embry's words by flicking my hands and wiggling my shoulders. "I didn't mean to worry you."

"You're fine." He kissed my cheeks and wrapped me in his arms. With his chin resting on my shoulder, Jake kissed just below my ear and asked, "What are we having?"

I smirked, knowing that he would be happy no matter what the sex of the baby was, but enjoying the fact that I knew and he didn't. I could feel him anxiously shaking against me. "A baby." I laughed.

Jacob grumbled and pulled back with a laugh. "Really? I thought we were getting a cat."

"Nope. It's going to be a beautiful bouncing baby, who hopefully has your tanned skin and my eyes."

"Mmm." He hummed. "You're going to make me beg aren't you?"

Giggling to myself, I pondered making him wait even longer, but I was busting at the seams to tell him. I didn't want to just say it, so I tried to think of a clever way to tell him.

"Come with me," I laced my fingers through Jake's and pulled him toward his car. I hopped in the driver's seat and impatiently tapped the wheel until Jacob jumped in the passenger's side.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere." I smiled as I pulled out of the parking lot and headed straight for Welch's Outdoor Shop.

I pulled into the parking spot just outside the front doors of the store. Jacob leaned forward and read the giant sign before settling back into his seat. He looked over to me and quirked his eyebrow. "Why are we here?"

Without answering, I pulled the keys from the ignition and stepped out of the car. Jacob followed close behind. I stood at the end of the parking lot looking up at the giant wooden sign. Just below the sign, in olive colored letters, were the items they sold: Fishing Gear, Boats, Camping Gear, and Shot Guns.

"I thought maybe you'd might like to go ahead and buy a shot gun." I stated matter-of-factly.

"What?"

It took Jake a second, but then his face jerked in my direction and an effortless smile broke free. "Are you… I mean the baby… it's a…"

"You're gonna have a little girl, Jake." I turned to him as I spoke and the light in his eyes almost blinded me just as the truth came out.

"_We're_ having a girl. A daughter. I'm going to have a daughter." Jacob sounded as though he disbelieved his own words. His wide, broad hand glided over my belly. Slowly Jacob bent to his knee. He pressed a light kiss to the side of my stomach, and I laced my fingers into his long, black hair. A gust of warm comforting wind blew around us as he whispered a few words I knew I'd never forget. "I love you baby girl." A flutter of movement flitted through my womb at the sound of Jake's voice.

I had to admit, in that moment, I wished to be my daughter.


	27. Jacob: Part Five: Three Words

**Part Five: Three Words**

**Disclaimer: **All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author's Note: **Hi everyone! So, we're here. The very last chapter of the "movie" portion, which means the next chapter is the end. It's bitter sweet to have written this chapter. I had a difficult time not only because of the emotions in it but also because it's so close to the end. I hope you all enjoy and I thank each and every one of you for reading. One more chapter guys... one more. :)

**Suggested Listening: **Christina Perri – Thousand Years; The Fray – Hundred; Framing Hanley – You; Alexandre Desplat – Dreamcatcher; Howard Shore – Jacob's Theme; Leona Lewis – Bleeding Love; Gavin Rossdale – Love Remains the Same.

Jake and I had grown used to the unsaid. Late night phone calls ended in awkward silences. Goodbye's for his games and practices reared pleading eyes and heart pounding seconds of the unsure-ness. I could see the love Jacob had for me, and I was sure that he could feel the love I had for him. But, those three words loomed above our heads and on the tips of our tongues for the remainder of my pregnancy.

My thirty-sixth week of pregnancy started my maternity leave. My stomach was swollen and stretched to an almost painful level, but I was far more in love with the baby growing in me than I ever had been. It didn't matter that when she kicked it felt like my insides were being clamped by the jaws-of-life or that she usually used my bladder as a trampoline when a bathroom was nowhere in sight. I loved my baby girl more than anything in the world.

Jacob equally loved on my engorged stomach. His eyes lit up when he'd return home from a stent of time in Pittsburgh. I became second to the baby as he would usually kneel with his hands resting on the sides of my stomach and fervently kiss and dote on his love for her. And usually, I would stand and watch with tears in my eyes wishing that just once he would stand on his two feet, straighten out his spine, and tell me that he loved me. But, that never happened. When he stood he would kiss my lips, and brush his nose tenderly across mine. Jake's onyx eyes would stare deep into the recesses of my soul making my heart skip and flutter, leaving me to only wish for his "I love you too Bells".

Riley spent the last few weeks of football season in La Push. Jacob insisted I needed someone around just in case I went into labor. It was a nice gesture, and I appreciated it. It was yet again a way for Jacob to share his love with me without actually having to say it.

With Jacob unable to come home for the last few weeks of the season, I put Riley to work on finishing all of the things that neither Jake nor I wanted to do while I sat reading baby books and watching for a glimpse of Jake when his games were televised. Luckily, Pittsburg didn't make it to playoffs, which relieved the stress in my heart that Jake wouldn't be around for the delivery of his daughter. My due date was just a few days after Jacob's birthday, and I secretly wished that our little girl would make her appearance on it. I couldn't imagine a better gift being given to him.

I hadn't seen Jacob in weeks. The new year had been welcomed with a phone call and hushed doting whispers. His voice made me ache. It made my heart rampantly beat. My toes tingled and my body rose with goose bumps. As if she knew he was on the phone, the baby squirmed, kicked, and pushed, taking my breath away. Tears warped my eyesight, but I tried hard not to let Jake know just how much my decision to not go to Pittsburgh was affecting me.

"I have just a few more things to take care of up here, but I promise to be home by Saturday." You could almost feel the remorse in his voice.

"You better be! Saturday is your birthday." I wiped a few shed tears from my cheeks and sniffled.

"Yeah. The big two-three." Jake chuckled trying to make light of the situation, but it wasn't helping. All I could do was stare at the bright pink throw blanket strewn across my rounded belly and twist the frayed ends of it.

"Yeah." I muttered.

A few seconds of silence passed. I found solace in his even, deep breaths. Closing my eyes, I imagined my head was resting on his chest. I could almost hear the beat of his heart and feel the warmth of his tanned skin touching mine. Two big tears rolled haphazardly down my cheeks. One came to rest against the phone and the other trailed its way down my neck.

"I miss you, Bells." Jacob quietly said.

My fingers shook and more tears fell.

"I miss you too." I reached up and swiped the wetness from my cheeks. "I'm sorry that I'm not there with you, Jake."

"I know."

"I should have…I was being selfish, thinking more of myself than you or the baby. I just didn't want everyone to think that… I don't know… I was trapping you." The more words I spoke the lower my voice became until it was a quiet squeak. I was suddenly unsure of every decision I had made involving the pregnancy, involving Jacob. But, what was I to do now after it had been said and done? "I'm sorry."

Jacob allowed me a few minutes to gather myself before he reacted. "S'okay, Bells. I understand. I know all of this is hard on you. It's hard on me. But… there's no other place in the world that I'd rather be. When I'm not talking to you or with you, I'm thinking about you and our daughter and our home. You're all I know, Bells. I don't ever want that to change."

"It has to change. I need to know that you—" My throat constricted. The beats of my heart tripled in a millisecond. I could say it. It was just one word. It was a simple four letter, one syllable word, but it weighted heavily on my tongue.

"I know."

"—care about me."

"I do care about you, Bella. I care more for you than you know."

"Tell me, so I will know."

"I can't…" Jake stopped. My heart fell and its beats slowed. "…express it in words. No word on this earth could ever explain just what you mean to me." He stopped again, gathering his thoughts, and with a breath he started again. "You're the gravity in my world, Bella. Without you, everything would be obsolete and float away. Without you, there is no me."

I closed my eyes, reveling in the sweet devotion of his statement. My heart pumped his tenderness throughout my body. His love seeped through that very statement. Jacob may not have been able to say those three words, but he knew how to make me feel them. He knew how to push aside all of my fears and allow me to feel everything he said.

Love blared in my soul. Bravery built up in my heart. Those three words were prominent on my tongue, materializing without my permission. "Jake, I—"

"I know." He muttered his voice low and rough, causing a sad ache in my chest. He wouldn't let me say it.

I brushed my hands over my rounded belly. The baby kicked and squirmed at the pressure of my resting hand. Warm tears flowed silently from my eyes as my attempt to tell Jake how I really felt had failed, but at no fault of my own. He didn't want to hear it, but I wasn't sure why. Would it make everything real for him to hear exactly how far my feelings went for him? Would it materialize his love for me? Did that scare him?

"Please, why won't you let me tell you?" I whispered the thoughts floating around in my brain.

Jacob sighed a weighted, shaking breath. "Look, I'm not exactly someone who believes in that. The two people in my life that I ever said that to either died or fucked me over. I loved my mother more than anything, and she's gone now. I can't talk to her. I can't see her. I can't… A lot of things were taken from me when she died."

A big puff of warm wind blew across me, moving the ends of my hair across my neck. I remembered my dream. I remembered Sarah's words. She was the wind guiding me to my destiny. "Just because you can't see her or touch her doesn't mean she's not around, Jake." But he ignored my interjection and continued.

"The only other person I've ever said that word to was Jessica, and we both know how that ended. Everything we had was built on a fucking lie. She used me. She took advantage of me without hesitation. How can I believe in love after that?" Jacob's venom filled voice was cold and tattered.

For the first time since it happened, Jake opened up about Jessica. He expressed just how much everything that happened hurt him. He was scarred beyond repair. No matter how hard I tried, I would never be able to fix that part of him. That's when it all came into perspective for me. I would never hear him say those three words to me. It was nothing that I had done. He just didn't believe anymore.

"But our little girl… you tell her all of the time..." I fought the unwavering sadness, but it was a useless battle.

"I do, because that's a different kind of love. It's not my mom's fault that she died and she's not the reason that I don't believe in love. I know that she still loves me, but I'm angry that I can't tell her. What I can do is make sure that my little girl knows. I can make sure that I'm there for her and that I won't just disappear whenever she needs me the most."

My heart felt like it was on fire. It burned a searing hole right through my chest. How could I have fallen in love with someone who didn't believe in love? How could I have not seen it all along? Jacob was my best friend. I witnessed the very moment that his belief in love stopped, yet I never put two and two together.

Hearing Jacob admit his disbelief in love was difficult. I wished for so long to hear him say those three words, but he never would. I felt as though the cracks he had instilled in me over the years were breaking apart creating giant voided crevices of nothingness. The nothingness wanted to swallow me whole; I wanted to allow it, but I couldn't. Our daughter was due to be born any day now. I blinked back tears.

I never imagined Jake being so upfront about his doubt in love. I always doubted that he loved me, and I suppose in a way he didn't. After all, if you don't believe in it, how can you see it, feel it, or cherish it?

My brain rattled on in its thoughts. Robotically, I had gotten off of the phone with Jacob. I wasn't even sure what I had said or if I had just hung up. Either way, I was alone in a house that no longer felt like a home. It felt foreign, distant. I had once thought he'd bought it out of love. I had once thought he believed in the very thing that pushed me forward in our relationship.

How could one not believe in love but express it all the same? It didn't make sense. Everything I knew and experienced with Jake felt forged and fake. Yet, love still bounded through my veins for him.

Tears bled down my cheeks at rapid speeds. Lost in my own thoughts, I was unaware of my movements and intentions. All I could feel was the suffocating nothingness of this house, of Jacob, of the faked moments in our relationship. And so, in the middle of a cold night in January just a day before I would give birth to a child I had thought was created out of love, I left Jacob Black, my best friend, my soul-mate.

I was a coward to leave in the middle of the night. I knew that, but I still found myself tiptoeing to the best of my pregnant ability past Riley sleeping in the guest bedroom. With my luggage in hand, I slowly opened the front door to what once felt like a home. Slipping my jacket on, I reached for my keys. The soft light of the moon sparkled on the door key dangling from my keychain. A thump in my chest sparked a sob in my throat as my swollen fingers pulled the metal ring apart and removed the key. I settled it on the dark wood stand, my fingers grappling it as I thought of my actions.

Was this what I really wanted to do? It didn't take a second for me to respond.

I deserved real love. I deserved to receive just as much love as I put out. I deserved to be with someone who loved me just the same as I loved them. And so, I released my grip on the key. I traced my shaking fingers along the shiny edge of a key that once signified love and family. Now, it was merely a distorted view of reality.

The following morning, I awoke in my small bed in the tiny apartment I still rented from Alex's mother. I stretched out as best I could. I wrapped my arms around my engorged belly and lightly squeezed. In response, my daughter kicked and squirmed in her confined space.

"Momma loves you." I said kissing the tips of my fingers and placing them just slightly above my belly button. "I can't wait to see you." I continued to rub my hands across my abdomen in small soft strokes. "You'll be here soon, I just know it. And when you are, you're going to be the most loved little girl. Even your Daddy loves you." Tears trickled out of the corners of my eyes. My heart began to burn and ache. "He can't wait to see you either."

Wiggling my swollen toes, I sat up and reached for my phone, checking it for any missed calls or texts. My usual routine usually showed up nothing, but today was different. The night prior I had taken back my independence. I had chosen to be selfish and unforgiving. I deserved to be in love with someone who believed in it. That was something I wouldn't back down from.

My phone read 10 missed calls and 27 text messages. The messages and missed calls alternated from Jacob and Riley. The messages held the same questions, both asking if I was okay, where I was, and to please text or call as soon as I got them.

As much as I wanted to hide away and not face a single thing I had initiated with my decision, I knew their concern was not solely about me, but also about the baby. So, with nervous hands, I sent a quick text to both Jacob and Riley.

'**I'm at my apartment. We're both fine. I just need some time alone.'**

Almost immediately responses flooded my inbox and my phone vibrated with a call. Ignoring the call from Riley, I read the messages from Jacob.

'**why r u there?'**

'**time alone? y?'**

'**call me. asap.' **

I couldn't talk to Jake at least not at the moment. The only response I could come up with was an apology.

'**I'm sorry.'**

My phone vibrated again just as I sent the text. I clicked to decline the call. Before I could sit my phone onto my lap, it began to vibrate again. I picked it up to see the picture of Jacob and his bright blue tongue come up. The picture had been taken out of happiness during a time that I still believed he loved me in some way, shape, or form. My insides twisted and my bladder ached. Getting out of bed was a feat in itself. After rolling pulling and pushing, I sat myself up, quickly stood, and headed for the bathroom.

By the time I was pulling up my pajama pants, my doorbell rang. I rolled my eyes with a sigh and waddled through the small confines of my apartment. Peering through the window next to the door, I recognized Riley's stance as he pounded on the door.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm getting it." I unclocked the deadbolt and twisted the knob.

"What the fuck, Bella?" Riley yelled pushing open the door and walking in.

"Good morning to you too."

"No. No. We're not joking around. What the hell do you think you're doing leaving in the middle of the night? Why the fuck would you do that?" Riley huffed.

"Who do you think you are?" I rebutted. "I don't answer to you." I crossed my arms and rested them on my swollen stomach.

Riley rolled his eyes and ran his hand across his face. "I don't mean to sound like that, Bella. Sorry. I've ran around this entire reservation looking for you. And do you know what it's like to wake up your friend and tell him that his pregnant girlfriend just up and left in the middle of the night while you were supposed to be watching her?"

"Woah. I am not his girlfriend." I interjected.

"Whatever. You know what I mean."

I nodded.

"Jacob almost called your dad searching for you. Do you know how hard it was to keep him from doing that?"

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "Probably as hard as it is for him to love someone."

Riley's face scrunched in shock. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Oh, like you didn't know." I huffed.

"Didn't know what? You gotta throw me a bone here."

"That Jake doesn't believe in love." I barely spoke the words. Their sharp, pointed edges jabbed my heart with every syllable.

"Is that what this is about?" Riley's eyebrow rose. His angered expression disappeared. Flooding across his face was a sorrowful frown.

I nodded again. The sharp shards of those words forced tears to burn my eyes.

Riley opened his mouth, but before he could speak his phone rang. He immediately jerked it to his ear and turned his back to me. "Hey man. I was just about to call you. I'm here. Yeah, yeah. She's fine. Her too." Riley turned his face toward me and glanced over my saddened, very pregnant state. "I don't know, man. She hasn't said. Yeah. Maybe you should do that. Yeah. Alright. No, I got it. Uhm.. I'm not sure man. Let me ask her." Riley then reached out his phone and shook it at me. His eyes widened and asked me to please talk to who I assumed was Jake.

Horrified, I stared at the phone and quickly shook my head 'no'. Without waiting for Riley to silently plead with me, I turned and headed for the kitchen.

Behind me, I heard Riley huff a deep breath and then speak. "Sorry. She – uh – doesn't want to – uh – talk."

I squeezed my eyes shut allowing the few hot tears to fall down my cheeks. I grabbed a bowl, some cereal, and the milk when I heard Riley's footsteps pick up toward me.

"I'm not going to make her, dude. I think maybe you should. Yeah. Alright. See ya soon, man."

Pouring the cereal in the bowl, I peered over my shoulder as Riley entered. "So, he told you that he doesn't believe in love?" Riley leaned against the door frame.

I nodded as I added the milk to the cereal.

"He's full of shit, Bells." Riley blatantly stated. "He doesn't know how to feel. He's numb, ya know? He has been since Jessica."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I tossed the spoon into the bowl. It clanked loudly against the porcelain.

"I don't know. I guess I thought it would be better if you heard it from him. I tried to get him to tell you a long time ago, Bells. I don't know why he decided to do it now."

Heaviness pressed on my shoulders. Those dark, broken crevices inside of me threatened to swallow me whole. "I tried to tell him how I felt last night on the phone."

"As in you tried to say you loved him?"

"Yeah." I breathed out. The burning in my chest intensified. "I didn't even get it out. He stopped me and just said that he knew. After that he started talking about how it's hard for him to say that he loves someone because he doesn't believe in it after what happened to his Mom and with Jessica."

"What'd you say?"

"I just asked him about the baby and why he could say it to her and not me. And he said that it was a 'different kind of love'. But, Riley, if he doesn't believe in love, then how does he feel it with anyone?" Tears seeped out of my eyes and clung to my eyelashes.

"Well, it is a different type of love, but it's love all the same. Jake's scared of being in love. He doesn't like to be vulnerable. You bring that out in him. You scare him so bad that he tells himself that he doesn't believe in this mess called love, because he's afraid you'll turn out like the other two women in his life – either gone completely or a total bitch."

I swiped the back of my hand across my cheeks. "But I deserve love, Riley. I deserve to be loved like I have loved. I need Jake to tell me that. I need to hear it from him. I need to know that he loves me. I've put so much love into the both of us that I can't keep going forward. I can't." As I spoke, tears rapidly spilled down my cheeks. I sniffled a sob. "I want to hear him say he loves me. I need that."

"You deserve that, Bella." Riley stepped forward and wrapped me in a friendly hug.

"Everything felt like a lie – the house, the relationship. All of it feels like a giant lie. He makes me feel loved, but doesn't believe in it. I love him with everything I have. And now… I just feel… I don't know… cheated, faked, fooled. I feel like a fool." I blubbered into Riley's chest. My pregnant belly bounced with each sob.

"Listen to me, Bella. I've been inside of Jake's head. We've talked about love, relationships, and you a lot more than men should." He laughed a soft laugh and then continued. "He's in love with you. He doesn't know how to say it, because the outcome scares him. You're the one thing in life that he can't live without. He's miserable without you. His mom's death and Jessica's stupidity scarred him to the point where he can't say it. It's not your fault. It's nothing that you've done."

"I…I love him so much, but I need more."

"You deserve more. As much as you might not want to think about it, if he doesn't step up to the plate and swing, then maybe you should move on." Riley's words were gently spoken, but still they shredded my heart into tiny little pieces.

"I have to try. I have to give it my all." I pulled away and brushed my hands over my belly. "She deserves it."

"Do what you have to do." Riley kissed the top of my head and squeezed my shoulders. "I love the both of you, but you're driving me fucking insane. Do me a favor, Bells, just tell him. Even if he asks you not to, say it."

Riley stuck around most of the day, comforting me with jokes and vulgar remarks about random girls on television. His presence soothed the ache in my chest about Jacob and relieved my mind from continuously thinking of what had happened the night before. It was well into the evening when he left, saying that Jacob wanted him to stay at the beach house during the night.

"If you need anything, call." Riley patted my shoulder and slung the door open. He frowned at the cold freezing rain falling from the sky. "I fucking hate this state and its stupid weather. Who would ever want to live here?"

"It's kinda beautiful." Riley turned and cocked his eyebrow at my statement. I laughed. "And you get used to it. Be careful. Text me when you get there."

"Spoken like a true mom-to-be." Riley laughed and headed out.

Closing the door, I shivered as a cold gust of wind spilled in. I wrapped my sweater around me and locked the door. A yawn parted my lips and I stretched as my tired, swollen pregnant body creaked and cracked under pressure. Just as I relaxed my stretching muscles a sharp, tight pain flitted across my belly. My heart stammered in my chest. I jerked my hand to the spot where the pain had come from. I massaged the area waiting to feel another ache or pain.

After a few moments in my frozen state, I figured it was nothing but a stretching muscle ache and headed for bed. By the time I had changed and climbed between the sheets, a loud pounding thud echoed throughout my entire apartment. It hadn't been long since Riley had left, so I figured he must have forgotten something.

It took me a moment or two to roll out of bed, and when I did another sharp, tightening pain flitted through my abdomen. I placed my hand over my rounded stomach and rubbed lightly.

"Oh, baby, are you trying to tell me that you're gonna be here soon?" I whispered. "Can you hold off until your daddy gets back in town?" Just as I soothingly spoke and rubbed another loud pound came from the front of the apartment. "Coming!" I yelled.

Waddling toward the door, I noticed that my belly painlessly tightened for just a few moments and then released. Just as my swollen belly would relax, a sharp pain would shoot down. I winced, this time, as the pain seemed to be a little more sharp than the previous two times. "Please baby girl, just wait until your dad is home." Again, I brushed my hand lovingly over my stomach with a plea.

With my hand under my belly, supporting its weight, I unlocked the door and slowly opened it. "Did you forget something?" I spoke, but then his masculine scent engulfed me. My heart double thumped in my chest and my belly tightened.

"Bella." Jacob took two steps inside without invitation. His shoulders sagged and his clothes were soaked with freezing rain. Jacob's teeth chattered as he shivered. His lips quaked as he tried to speak. "I went to the house. You're stuff… it's all gone."

"Jake, you're freezing!" I exclaimed, shutting the door behind him and rushing toward the couch. Grabbing the purple and pink polka dotted throw, I tossed it over his broad shaking shoulders. Moving my hands up and down his arms, I tried to warm him just a bit, but he shrugged me off.

"Why is your stuff gone?" He looked to me with dark, sad eyes.

"Jake…" I winced as another sharp pain shot through my abdomen. Squeezing onto his shoulder, I bit into my lip until the pain was over. Jacob worriedly stared at me. "I can't do this right now." I stepped back and cradled my belly.

Jacob moved forward, following my steps as if gravity was forcing him to. "Why did you leave?"

"I had to." I sighed, knowing that no matter what was going on I would have to answer his questions. I couldn't avoid the situation. I couldn't fight this any longer.

"You didn't have to. That's our home, Bells, for me, you, and the baby. Why'd you leave?"

I didn't answer. This time I shrugged my shoulders as I felt my belly tighten again. I prepared myself for the pain that would follow.

"Do you not want this anymore?" Jacob motioned his finger between the two of us. His eyes intensely watched me for any indecisiveness.

"No." I answered softly. Tears started to rain down my cheeks just as the ice fell outside.

Jake's lips trembled again. His eyes blinked a thousand times. Tears clung to his lashes as he tried desperately not to let me see how this was hurting him. "I thought… what happened?" His words were filled to the brim with disbelief. His eyes darted to the side as he searched his memory for any type of sign that this was coming.

"You don't believe in love." I clarified and gasped a breath as a sharp, aching pain squeezed hard on my stomach.

Jacob slowly lifted his eyes toward me. "Bella… I… I can't…"

"I already do." I stepped forward as the pain subsided.

"Don't say that." Jake dropped his head. "Please don't."

I reached my palm out and placed it on the side of his unusually cold cheek. I brushed my thumb over his quivering bottom lip and remembered Riley's advice. Even if Jacob begged me not to, I had to tell him. Again, my engorged stomach tightened.

"Why are you so afraid of my feelings for you?" I whimpered placing my other palm on his cheek. With a firm grip, I effortlessly guided his face down to mine. Pressing my nose to his, I slowly moved my head from side to side.

My heart burned. Tears ragingly rolled down my face. Bravery replaced my fears. Love replaced sadness. Desperation replaced contentment. This was my last chance, my last effort to make. I would be blatant and truthful. There would be no denying my words, my feelings, my love. All of my cards would be on the table.

"I love you, Jacob." I whispered lightly against his soft, quivering, plump lips as our noses brushed in a series of Eskimo kisses. A warm wind engulfed us, wrapping me with a feeling of correctness.

Jacob closed his sad, onyx eyes and exhaled an exasperatedly sharp breath.

"I'm in love with you. Please don't be fearful of me. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not Jessica. I'm not going to abandon you. I could never do that to you. I love you with every last piece of my heart."

As Jake's eyes slowly floated open, tears worked their way passed his lashes and onto his russet cheeks. He gazed toward me. Questions ran rampant through the soft stare he held me in. My pregnant belly squeezed tightly again, but this time instead of releasing it tightened even more. A gasp of air pushed passed my lips and I squeezed my tear filled eyes shut.

"Ahh." I cried out and placed my hand on my stomach.

"Bells?" Jake pulled his forehead from mine and looked toward my stomach.

Just as our foreheads parted, a gush of liquid burst from my between my legs and onto the hardwood floors below. A sharp consistent pain started causing me to lose my breath and squeeze tightly onto Jake's shoulder.

"Jake," I looked up as another squeeze started, "I think the baby's coming!"

"Breathe, Bella. Just breathe." Jake stated calmly and tossed the blanket from his shoulders. His hands reached out to mine. "Are you okay to walk?"

I took a waddling step forward and nodded my head yes.

"Okay. We'll get you to the car and head to the hospital." Jacob continued to guide me toward the door. "Is your hospital bag still in the truck?" Jake looked up to me. Fear filled his eyes.

"Yes." I breathed. "We need to call the doctor on the way."

"Dr. Conlin is on vacation this week, remember?" Jake spoke gently. "We'll have to call her colleague. What was his name?"

"Dr. Cullen, Carlisle Cullen." I tried breathing passed the pain, but it didn't help.

"Right. I'll call the hospital and let them know they need to call him instead of Dr. Conlin."

With a gentleness I had never experienced before, Jacob led me down the steps of my apartment and into his car. He retrieved my bag from the truck, tossed it into the trunk of his car, and headed for the hospital.

While Jake called the hospital, I concentrated on breathing through the contractions, but it became harder to do as the pain seemingly took my breath from me. Rubbing my belly, I tried to settle the baby a bit, hoping that she was unable to feel the pain as well. I tilted my head back against the head rest and closed my eyes, remembering what it was like to float on clouds, and lay on the beach.

"How far apart are your contractions?" Jake asked with concern etched all over his face.

"I don't know. It's like they don't stop." I tried to speak through the pain.

Jacob repeated what I said into the phone. He listened to the person on the other line and pressed the gas pedal to the floor. "I'll get her there as soon as I can. We're probably ten minutes away."

Jacob's driving was erratic at best. He weaved his sleek black car in and out of traffic, honking his horn and swearing profanities toward those who didn't move right away. Every so often, he'd peak at me out of the corner of his eye. I tried to go with the pain, to breathe and allow it to happen, but it only got worse the closer we came to the hospital. His face would flush, then, and his grip on the steering wheel would tighten.

"Remember to breathe, Bella." Jake soothingly placed his hand on my leg and brushed his thumb across the fabric of my night gown. I whimpered as another sharp pain kicked in and my stomach tightened even more.

"Owww." I screamed out, my body lurching forward. "Hurry Jake!" I yelled as the need to push slowly became more predominant than the pain.

"We're here, Bells." Jake pulled up to the emergency department of the hospital and slammed the car into park. Without hesitation, he jumped from the car threw his keys toward the valet and ran toward my side just as I opened the door.

"My bag." I breathed turning the seat and resting my feet on the ground. Another contraction came causing me to lean forward and yelp at the twisting, cramping pain.

"Forget about the bag. We'll get it later. I gotta get you inside." Jake's horrified expression was no surprise. Placing his hands under my arms, Jake lifted me from the car and slowly began to walk me toward the entrance. My breaths were uneven. My contractions unbearable. And the need to push completely overwhelming.

I was unsure how the nursing staff came to find a wheelchair and meet Jake and I at the front door, but they did. And from there, everything became a hurried blur. As they quickly wheeled me to labor and delivery, the doctors and nurses yelled out orders and asked people to move. That's when panic and fear set in. Reality was closing in on Jacob and me and soon we'd have to choose just what we wanted with the other. My heart quickly pounded in my chest. Tears poured out of my eyes.

"Jake!" I yelled unable to see him and worried that he was lost in all of the hurry.

"I'm here, Bella. Right behind you."

I reached a hand up and behind me. I felt his fingers brush my palm, soothing the anxious worry. A strangled scream yanked through my throat as my uterus contracted again. "Ohhh. I need to push!"

"Don't push yet, Bella. Let's get you in the room and with Dr. Cullen." One nurse spoke kindly but understandingly. "Encourage her to not push and to breathe. She'll listen better from you." The nurse instructed.

And then Jake's soothing voice echoed what the nurse had just told me. "Bells, listen, you can't push yet okay. Just breathe. In and out. In and out. In and out…"

With Jake's comforting instruction, I closed my eyes and concentrated on breathing long enough to be wheeled into a room. Once we were there, time seemingly picked up speed. Before I knew it, I was on the bed, my feet being held by Jake and a nurse. They counted to ten as I pushed. Dr. Cullen sat between my legs helping as much as he could with instruction and stretching.

Jacob lovingly watched his attention going from my face to what the doctor was doing. "Push baby. You gotta push." He encouraged and looked down between my legs then quickly back to me. A smile sparked on his lips. "She's got a lot of black hair, Bells!"

"One more big push and the head will be out." Dr. Cullen spoke over the madness. "On the next contraction, I need you to take a deep breath, put your chin to your chest, and push. Okay?"

I nodded.

"Deep breath. And push!"

Jacob counted along with the nurses, but his attention was on his almost born child. A proud smirk fixated on his lips.

My body felt like I was about to catch fire and split in two at once. The searing pain was unbearable and the only way to make it through was to experience even more. I yelped as I felt I could stretch no more, and then I felt a terrorizing rip of pain from somewhere deep inside of me.

"The head's out!" I could barely hear a muffled voice speak.

Jacob looked up to me, but his face was blurry. Still I could see his blaring wide smile. "One more push, Bells!" His voice was warped, deep, and slow. His blurry features turned back to the doctor, who spoke in a distorted tone.

"She's hemorrhaging! We gotta get this baby out now."

My head started to spin. I grew cold and eerily tired. The limbs of my body grew heavy and weak. I felt unable to hold them up or steady them. I could hear them asking me to push, but I had no energy. I had no strength.

I blinked with heavy eyelids. When I reopened them, Jacob's beautifully constructed face was there to greet me. The beauty in his native features was blurry and hard to make out, but I could feel him next to me. I could feel his warmth encompassing me in a tight cocoon of love and fear.

"Bella!" He yelled. His voice a warped version of itself. "Bella, can you hear me?"

I tried to say something, but all I could do was stare at him and his beauty. All I could do was take in every last drop of Jake.

"Hold on, Bella!" Jake's voice wavered with emotion. "I need you. Don't close your eyes!"

My eyelids drifted shut, but I pushed them as far open as I could. Through the two tiny slits of my barely opened eyes, I could see Jake's shoulders heaving with sobs. "Stay with me, Bella. Please. Don't. I need you. I can't do this alone."

His pleas and cries fell upon my ears. I tried to fight. I tried to stay strong, but darkness was overtaking me. Warmth was encompassing me. The pull of the darkness of the warmth became stronger with the passing moment.

I could feel tugs and pulls on my body, but there no longer was pain. I was numb. I imagined that was how Jacob felt after Jessica. I imagined my love as a nagging presence, as a pull and a tug on the numbness that had become his heart.

And then I heard the sweetest of sounds - the cry of our daughter. I forced a smile onto my weak unmoving lips.

"Jake…" I tried to yell, but it came out as a mere whisper. "Jake…" I tried to reach out, tried to get his attention as he worriedly watched what was happening to me and to his daughter.

"Is she okay? The baby…" I heard him ask.

"She's a perfectly healthy baby girl." I heard a nurse say.

A part of me slipped into the darkness. My breathing became labored. No longer could I hear the muffled sounds in the room around me. Jacob bent and kissed my cheek. "You're so cold! Please. Help her. Fix her! Do whatever you have to do. I need her." And then he leaned down to me. "Did you hear me, Bella? I need you here. Please don't let go. Stay strong, Bells."

With one last ditch effort to express myself to Jacob, to let him know just how much I loved him, I spoke my last words. "I love you, Jake."

All of my strength had parted. I could no longer move my body, and even the yelling voice of Jacob became distant and dark. The darkness called for me, its warmth welcoming, not scary or evil. Golden waves of sunshine wrapped around my cold, dying body. And I was consumed.


	28. Love

**Disclaimer: **All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author's Note: **This is it! The end. (You might want to go back and read the chapters with Jake and his mom once more before going over this. I know it's been eons since I have written one.) It's bitter sweet as I have said many times before. I'm sad that I will no longer be writing fan fiction, but I am elated to be surpassing this marker in my writing. This story has drained me, saddened me, angered me, and frustrated me, but if I had the chance to go back and do it all over again, I'd still do it. I've learned so much and am super happy for those who have followed along on this long (my bad) and glorious journey. I appreciate you all. Especially you luvinj! I will be going ahead and marking this story as complete; however, there is a short epilogue to follow soon.

**Suggested Listening: **Christina Perri – Thousand Years; The Fray – Hundred; Framing Hanley – You; Howard Shore – Jacob's Theme; Gavin Rossdale – Love Remains the Same; Nick Lachey – This I Swear.

**Present Day**

**Jacob**

The screen faded to black as Bella's eyes slid shut. My mind reeled on with memories of the days just before my divine intervention. Bella had slipped into a deep sleep. Her face was covered in a peaceful slumber that even I could never put there. Hey eyes would flutter open once or twice a day, acknowledging me with a small smile.

"Jake." Bella would whisper almost like breathing was the hardest task she'd ever had to complete.

I was always at her bedside – day and night. The 'I love you' just before she drifted away wore on my jaded heart. Even as Bella lay on her death bed, I couldn't man up.

"I love you." Bella's weak voice would drift to my ears. Clearly even with her labored breaths, she was devoted to me. "And our little girl." She would add or try to add nearly every time. Just after Bella would speak her heart, she would float away again only opening her eyes when Charlie or Marybelle would visit.

From my mom's death, to Jessica's betrayal, and now to what seemed like Bella's dying wish, love and my fear of it defeated me. Love seemed a fairy tale notion, a notion that our elders made up to keep from being lonely, but I wasn't lonely. I had the perfect set-up – as selfish as that may seem. Or at least I thought I did.

Responsibility wore me down those three days I sat at Bella's beside with our baby in my arms. I would look between them, noticing all of the tiny resemblances. My heart, as dead as it felt, rapidly skipped beats, swelling with a feeling that I had gotten used to ignoring. And when I couldn't ignore that feeling, I would push it to the side until it was in the back of my mind. However, there were times that I couldn't fight it, that I felt it, that I could cower in all of the beauty of Isabella Swan and her loyalty.

It's not that I didn't see it or feel it. The later times in our story her love for me was blaringly obvious, and my love for her shined through even my darkest fears. Next to her was the only place where I felt right. I felt it was okay to allow my heart to grow and beat erratically, but the moment her presence was gone, the fears rapidly increased. The more intertwined we both became in each other's life, the more difficult it was for me to understand what I felt. All I knew was that I couldn't lose her, and so I chose to keep her at arm's length, "I can't" becoming my reality.

But I did. I always did. I could see that now. My fears ruled my life. They lead me to make stupid decisions. Fear of loss made me a loser. And now…

There was nothing left to fear. I had faced the greatest of them: Bella lying eerily still. No breaths left her chest, and no beat was in her heart. It was then that I knew my disbelief in love was nothing more than a façade to protect myself. Love beat through my veins. The feeling grew as I allowed all of my fears to subside. By my own hand, I had brought Bella back to life. And now, all I could do was wait.

"I'm proud of you, son." Mom's airy grip cooled my hand.

"Thanks." I smiled.

"You may have made bad decisions, Jacob, but those choices do not define you. What defines you is your heart. Lead with love and you will never have anything to fear."

"I'll try. It's hard facing all of your mistakes. Seeing everything in a different light helped."

"And which light did you choose?" Mom knowingly smiled with a raise of her eyebrow.

I spoke confidently without hesitation, without second thought. "With love comes fear. Bravery is what gets you through."

Mom reached out her cold, angelic hand and brushed it across my cheek. "Spoken like a man in love."

I chuckled. "You know… if you would have asked me in high school if I would be happy being in love with my best friend, I would have said no. I was consumed by the 'American dream'. I'm a football player and what says 'American Dream' more than marrying the head cheerleader and your high school sweetheart? If you would have asked me that same question a year ago, I would have told you love wasn't real. And if you would have asked a week ago, I would have told you that being with my best friend was the best feeling in the world, but love was just a bunch of crap." I took a breath and looked up to my mom and her radiant, glowing beauty. "But today, tomorrow, a week from now, a year from now, a lifetime from this moment, I would tell you that being in love with your best friend is perfect. It's the best kind of perfect."

A gulf of warm wind blew around me. Relief swept through my soul. I felt lighter but indestructible. Nothing could deter me. The rest of my life would be lived in a world that I had dodged for years now. And I would get to know the beauty of being loved and loving. I couldn't imagine a greater feeling than that.

I had made my decision. I had chosen love over fear, but I was curious. If I had chosen to live in fear, what would my life be like? Bella's life? Our daughter's life?

"You were always a curious child." Mom spoke gently. "I remember when you were three years old and your father told you a legend about our people transforming into wolves to protect the land and tribe. We couldn't keep you in the house at night. You slipped out the front door once. You had been gone only a few minutes when your father and I came looking for you. We found you just a few feet into the forest behind the house. In your tiny little hands you had a ball of ground beef and a flashlight. When we asked you what you were doing, you said you had to see the wolves to believe in them, and you were going to find out if the legend was real or not. You stayed outside for hours. Your father and I waited it out, allowing you to feed into your curiosity. Sooner rather than later, you curled up next to a tree and fell asleep."

I vaguely remembered that night, but mostly what I remembered was the victory in sneaking out passed Dad and Mom while they watched television. I did, however, remember saying I needed to see the wolves to believe in them; otherwise, they were just stories to me. I still felt that way. I needed proof – even in love.

"Not that I would, but what would happen if I chose fear? Would Bells die?" I swallowed thickly at my straight forward remark. My heart beat thudded loudly in my ears, and I began to fidget.

"Bella's survival doesn't depend on your choice. No one's life is hanging in the balance. Bella was always meant to overcome her ailment." Mom stopped speaking for a moment. She almost seemed at a loss for words, but then she looked up and gently touched my shoulder. "The outcome if you would have chosen fear is something I'm not sure you should see."

"Will it change my mind?"

"That depends on your strength and knowledge."

"I can handle it."

"I know you can handle it, Jacob, but my worry is that it will affect your decision. I don't want to skew your decision."

"Why would it?"

"Just know that Bella's true happiness lies in you, my son. No one else will ever be able to make her feel the way she does when she's with you."

"Will you show me?"

I tried to hide the anxiety flaring up inside of me, but my leg bounced on its own. I wanted to see; I had to see what would happen if I had chosen fear. The outcome would be different. Obviously, Bella's happiness would be affected. And with that, my happiness would be too.

Mom lifted her hand. Placing a few fingers on my forehead, she closed her eyes and spoke in a language that didn't really seem like a language at all. As she chanted, her fingertips heated my skin. The temperature rose the harder she pressed until a searing white-hot fire started to burn within me. Sweat broke over my brow. And I clenched my jaws trying to keep the deafening screams in.

The angelic chant faded to the background. I could still hear it though I was physically somewhere else. I could feel the frigid cold of Forks. The scent of a not too distant ice storm burned in my nostrils. Gusts of wind circled my body freezing the intense heat still burning inside of me. Off in the distance, I could hear people laughing, the coo's of a baby, the clanking of silverware against porcelain plates, a ringing bell, and random conversations about nothing. As I opened my eyes, I recognized the building in front of me. It was the diner I had taken Bella to, the one where I had run into Paul and Quil, and the one where Jessica worked.

Hanging across the front windows was a bright pink birthday banner. In purple and white letters was written: "Happy 2nd Birthday Sarah!" I grazed my eyes over the people standing inside, most of whom I recognized.

By the counter stood Charlie and Marybelle, who casually held conversation with Sue Clearwater and my dad. Standing just a few feet away from them was Seth, Leah, Sam, and Emily. Pink and purple balloons decorated every table and nearly every inch of the diner was covered in princess décor.

My breaths stopped as I watched Bella approach Marybelle with a toddler attached to her hip. My heart hurt but swelled as the little girl smiled, immediately confirming just who she was. I had seen that smile every day of my life. It was the same smile that I inherited from my mom.

As Bella spoke with Marybelle, my daughter reached out for her grandfather. On her tiny pink shirt was "BIRTHDAY GIRL" written in white calligraphy. I gasped. Sarah was my little girl. I was standing outside of her second birthday party. Through the frosting windows, I watched Bella turn and shake her head, tears welling up in the corners.

"I don't know." She spoke toward someone behind a bouquet of balloons. "It's not fair to her."

Just as Bella dropped her head, allowing her tears to fall, Embry stepped from behind the balloons and wrapped Bella in a hug. He held her crying face to his chest and rocked her from side to side. Embry kissed Bella's hairline and cradled her, bringing Bella's sad eyes up to his.

"Call him." Embry humbly said. "I'm sure he's on his way."

Bella nodded in agreement. Retrieving her phone from her pocket, she dialed out and lifted it to her ear. The phone in my pocket vibrated. I hurriedly answered her call.

"Hey." My voice quivered at the thought of talking to her again. In my reality, the last I had spoken to Bella was begging her to come back to life. "I'm outside." My teeth chattered as another gust of freezing wind blew past me.

The bell over the door rang. As I looked up, Bella stepped out into the cold. I sighed and my heart dropped to my feet. I could see why Mom wouldn't want to show me this alternate life, but I remembered what she said. I was Bella's true happiness. No one would ever make her feel the way I did. And so, as she neared me, I noticed the small things - like the way gravity nearly pulled us into each other's arms, or the way her eyes sparked a warmth when she pulled away from our hug, or the deepness of the love in her eyes as she peered up at me. Happiness cluttered the air. Even the cold brisk winds of Forks in the winter weren't powerful enough to scatter the warmth we created next to each other.

"I'm happy you made it!" She exclaimed with a giant, perky smile. It made my heart swell with nothing but love.

"Sorry you had to start without me." I seemingly knew what was happening although I had just appeared in this moment of time.

"It's okay. What matters is that you're here." Bella reached out and placed her palm against my bicep. Zaps of electricity covered my skin with bumps.

I laughed with a nod. "Yeah."

"Sarah has been asking where you were." Guilt littered her eyes. "I told her that you were on your way, but she wasn't satisfied with that. Her fits are starting to get a little out of control."

The bell above the diner door dinged when Embry exited. With a nod of his head, Embry reached out his hand and shook mine. As he released his grip on my hand, he brought both of them to Bella's arms and rubbed them up and down, trying to warm her from the frigid air.

"It's good to see you again." Embry said. "Sarah has been asking about you nonstop."

"That's what I was just telling him." Bella interjected.

"Good to hear she hasn't forgotten about me." I nervously laughed through the awkwardness.

"She wouldn't!" Bella exclaimed. Her body leaning toward me as Embry held her close. "That's impossible. She understands that you work in Pittsburgh and can't see her all of the time. She's just happy when you can."

"We all understand." Embry overspoke Bella, who looked up to him, the happiness diminishing in her chocolate pools. "We try to let her watch all of your games."

Just then, Bella reached up and placed her left hand over Embry's. My chest immediately started to burn while the diamond perched on Bella's left ring finger glistened in the hidden sunlight. As if I could feel any more pain, my heart cracked. Not only had Embry been stepping in as a father-figure to my little girl, but he had also taken from me something that I could have had, something that meant the world to me.

Bella noticed my eyes as they stilled on her ring. Instantly, she dropped her hand and turned toward the man who was living what should be my life and gently smiled. "Could you run and tell Dad that Jake's here?"

"Absolutely." Embry beamed. He bowed his head and softly kissed Bella.

Bella painfully watched Embry enter the diner and when she was comfortable with the distance between him and us, she turned back to me. "I was going to tell you."

"When?"

"This is the first time I've talked to you in months!" Astonished, she stared up at me. "Sarah hasn't talked to you in three weeks. I keep telling her that it's not your fault, but something is telling me that it is."

"I'm sorry." I tried to apologize, but it came out as an annoyed sigh.

"Sorry doesn't cut it anymore Jake. You rarely see our daughter as it is. Stop blaming her for what happened! It's not her fault that it didn't work out between us."

"I know." And I did. I could feel it deep within. The weight of her truth bared on my back slumping me forward and forcing my head down. My eyes locked on my tennis shoes.

"I didn't want to hurt you." Bella reached out and placed her hand on my shoulder again. "But…"

"Bella," I sighed, "I know. I didn't give you what you needed. I know that now. And if I could go back and change it all, I would."

"It's too late for that now."

I nodded my head. "Just answer me one thing?"

"Anything, Jacob, you know that."

"Are you happy?" When I asked her, I looked up from my feet and stared straight into the eyes housed the other half of my soul. She didn't have to answer. In fact, she didn't have to react, but she did.

"I'm getting there," she breathed through her nose and chewed on her bottom lip.

"But…" I coaxed her.

"He's not you."

Just then her eyes sparkled a golden fire that took the air from my chest. As my lungs begged for air, heat picked up in my soul. A blast of white light pulled me back to my reality, my present day. Hot tears streaked down my cheeks as a sadness and heaviness lurked in the recesses of my mind.

"That's not fair." I spoke around the lump of sadness in my throat.

Mom's eyes opened, but the pressure from her fingertips still pushed on my forehead. "No one said it was."

"If I choose to be happy, then I take something from someone who doesn't deserve it."

"It's a hard decision. Maybe this will help." Forcefully, my angelic mother pushed against my forehead with her fingertips again. This time, a scorching, white-hot fire exploded inside of me. Just as quickly as the bright white fire exploded it slipped away into a dark peaceful serenity.

Every inch of my body relaxed into a soft cushion below me. My eyes were heavy with sleep. The darkness behind my eyelids held me captive although the rest of me was well aware that I needed to wake, but I was exhausted. I felt as though I had been running a marathon for the past month.

A cooling breeze gushed across me. Chill bumps pushed up onto my skin. I shivered and tried to move but my abdomen was weighted down. I took a deep breath in. Exhaling, I lifted my heavy head and pushed open my struggling eyelids to see what was keeping me from moving. As my sleepily blurred vision focused in, I brought my arm up from my side. Lifting it felt like lifting a fifty pound dumbbell, but I did so anyway. I rested my hand about the area that felt the heaviest just before my eyes recognized what the weight was.

A flood of warming love started in my chest and radiated throughout. Settled neatly on my bare abdomen was a soft and pudgy baby. Her black hair still had a small, shiny pink bow tied in it, but she only wore a small white diaper. She peacefully slept with all but one limb pulled in tightly to her center. I brushed my thumb across her soft, tan skin, causing her to contract herself and relax again once my thumb stilled.

The creaking of a door pulled my adoration from the little girl sleeping tenderly on my stomach. I looked to the source of the sound, which just so happened to be the master bath in the beach house I had bought for Bella, me, and our daughter. White light flooded the dimly lit bedroom. I shielded my eyes with my free hand and grunted.

"Sorry." Bella whispered. "Is she sleeping too?"

My heart cried in my chest. I wanted to jump from the bed and wrap Bella in a hug. I wanted to hold her close to me and whisper all of the things I loved about her into her ear. I was so happy to see that she was okay.

Bella swept her hair back into her hand, tying it with the elastic band she kept on her wrist. Now at the edge of the bed, on all fours Bella crawled up the gigantic bed and into the crook of my arm. She rested her head on my shoulder and gazed lovingly down to our daughter.

With the simple touch of her finger to our daughter's hand, Bella completed a circle of love between the three of us. She had completed me and given me everything I never knew I wanted. Love cocooned the three of us, wrapping us in the loving warmth of a family that couldn't live without the other. As I peeked down toward the daughter we'd created out of a mistake, I felt nothing but complete and utter adoration, contentment, and devotion toward the woman resting against my chest.

"Yeah." I finally answered her back. My voice wavered with more emotions than I knew I had.

Bella recognized the emotions in my simple acknowledgement and looked up to me with bright happy eyes. That stare I hadn't seen in years, but I smiled nonetheless. I could feel the beam of happiness from her to me to the baby. I could feel her stroking my heart with hers. I could feel our souls clicking together.

I could feel. I wasn't numb. I wasn't afraid. These were true, honest feelings that I would never be able to fight. That I would never want to fight.

Her fingers rose up from the baby to my cheek. She brushed her soft palm across my jaw. "I like this five o'clock shadow you have going on here." Her eyes then lifted to mine and continued to venture up higher. Removing her hand from my jaw, Bella placed her fingers into my hair. "And I kinda like this too."

With a finger or two, I brushed the strands of my hair immediately recognizing the absence of length. A hum exited my throat as Bella began to stroke my head softly.

"You look so grown up." She whispered, her eyes dropping from my hair to my lips. She watched as a smile spread and only then did she lean in, pressing a heart baring kiss onto them. Just as our kiss was through, Bella reached her nose up to mine. I brushed my nose against hers and gingerly kissed her beautifully happy lips.

"I love you so much, Jake." Bella quietly spoke. She dropped her head back to my shoulder, and I tightly wrapped my arm around her, tugging her as close to my side as possible.

"Until forever." I hummed into Bella's ear.

While those words poured from my heart, soul, and lips, I fell into a deep sleep, but a jolt of light pulled my eyes opened again.

"Did it feel differently?" Mom's harp-like voice almost sang.

I nodded my head.

"That was just a glimpse of your future, Jacob, if that's the path you choose to take."

"It is." I couldn't hesitate. Although I would be taking from Embry something that he would never be able to replace, I didn't know how long I would be able to live with the weight of that world on my shoulders. To say it wasn't a life I would choose was putting it mildly.

"Then," Mom waved her hand toward the hospital room to the right. "It's time."

I was torn. In that moment, I wanted to go back to life, to my daughter, to Bella. However, there was a bitter sweetness about the extra time I was able to spend with Mom. I didn't want to let that go. A part of me wished to stay in the in-between.

"I know that it's hard without me." Mom sounded more like herself than she had.

"You have no idea." I whimpered.

"I do have an idea, Jacob. I'm sorry that I physically can't be there for you, but just know son, that I am the warmth in the wind, and I will always be there to guide you."

"I wish there was a way that I could talk to you…"

"You can." She smiled, her angelic beauty overwhelmed my senses. "All you have to do is close your eyes, think of me, and I'll be right next to you."

My eyes burned with unshed tears. To keep them at bay, I closed them and took a deep soothing breath, calming the unwavering tension building up inside of me.

I wasn't ready to say goodbye to my mom for a second time in my life. It was too much, too difficult, too hard. I simply wasn't ready, but then something wiggled in the crook of my arm. And when I opened my eyes, I was sitting in the chair next to the hospital bed, with my daughter in my arms. Time was still stopped. The doctors were frozen in midsentence, mid-gesture. Bella rested on her bed. Her color faded and dull, but still there.

A gust of tender, warm wind wrapped me in a hug. Mom's glowing hand gently caressed her granddaughter's cheek. "I'm so proud of you Jacob. You've come a long way."

"With your help." My voice cracked. I had to give credit where credit was due.

"You'll be an amazing father. I'll make sure of it." Mom smiled and lifted her hand to my cheek. "I love you, son."

"I love you too." A tear trickled down my cheek. "Come around more often."

"I'm always here, Jacob. Remember that." And just as quickly as Mom had appeared, she was gone.

Time unpaused. Dr. Cullen, Dr. Conlin, Nurse Esme, and several others gathered around Bella's bedside. They each stared toward the monitors and ensured me that the worst was over. I only nodded my head not fully understanding their terms and orders. There was only one thing I could do.

All I could do was sit and watch Bella breathe. Her chest lifted up with each inhale. With every exhale, I was appreciative to have her in my life. I was indebted to be able to call her my best friend. I was thankful to be head over heels in love with her. Most of all, I was grateful for the small family we had.

Dr. Conlin was the first to speak to me. "Jacob, I think that maybe you and the baby need some rest."

"Sarah." I spoke up. "Her name's Sarah."

"That's a beautiful name." Dr. Conlin spoke gently. "What's her middle name?"

I thought for a moment. My heart clammered in my chest with goodbyes, love, and exhaustion. "Elizabeth."

"Sarah Elizabeth Black." Dr. Cullen spoke up with this time. "That's a strong name. Nurse Esme, why don't you take Jacob and baby Sarah here down to the nurse's station. Get the birth certificate started and then maybe show him a few things that he'll need to know before he takes his daughter home this evening."

I looked up horrified. "We're going home? Without Bella?"

"Unfortunately." Dr. Conlin nodded her head in agreement. "Bella's okay for now, but we'd like to make sure she's strong. She's resting comfortably now."

"When will she wake up? I want to be here." I demanded the answers. I had to be here. I had to.

"We're not sure." Dr. Cullen cleared his throat. "We've put her in a medically induced coma. She's been resting peacefully now for a couple of days. We've already weaned her off of the medication holding her in the coma."

"She could wake this evening, tomorrow, tonight." Dr. Conlin patted my shoulder. "We've explained this to you a few times now, Jacob. That's why we feel that you should head home and rest. Take Sarah with you. If you have any questions or if something substantial happens, we'll give you a call."

It was the gentle kindness in Dr. Conlin's voice that had me agreeing to their wishes. There was nothing left I could do. Waiting was the only option.

The house was dark, cold, and empty. I switched the car seat to my opposite hand as the diaper bag slid down my arm, and tossed the keys on the entryway table. I quickly bent my arm to catch the diaper bag before it hit the hardwood floor and woke Sarah. She had been crying nearly the entire drive home. Miraculously, the only thing that shushed her was when I began to hum softly to the music playing on the radio. At the sound of my voice, Sarah's tiny cries faded into a lulling sleep just as I turned into the driveway.

I loved my daughter more than anything, but being a parent was hard. It was harder than I had expected. Though, I had not anticipated doing it all alone. I wished, more than anything, that Bella would be okay, and I held onto every bit of hope the doctors gave me. Bella was comatose, but she was breathing. She was alive. I concentrated on that, and stayed positive.

Juggling Sarah in her car seat, the diaper bag, and the numerous things the hospital had sent home with us brought on the vision of a life like this. What if Bella did not make it through? This is what I would have to face day in and day out without her. She would never see the beautiful daughter we made and shared out of love. And, Bella would never get a chance to hear me say just how much I loved her.

I sighed and sat the small plastic tote from the hospital on the couch as I passed by. If Bella were here, she would have bitched at me for not putting it in its proper place. That made me miss her more than I already did. Walking down the hallway delivered fuzzy memories of passionate nights. Those nights had been selfish. They were times that I took for granted, times that did not mean as much as they did now. I guess, that's just how life works.

The door to Sarah's room creaked as I opened it. The smell of new furniture was thick, so I opened the window slightly after sitting Sarah's car seat down on the glider chair in the corner of the room. I had the upper half of the walls painted a soft pink that reminded me of the color of Bella's blush, and the lower half was a dark chestnut wood – just the color of Bella's hair.

All of the furniture was white. The crib, the glider, the changing table, and the small chest of drawers were a matching set made by a woodworker on the reservation. Bella had complained that his prices were too high, and that we could find something elsewhere for less money. I, on the other hand, did not mind the price so much. Not only was it beneficial to my heritage, but also, it was not like I was going to go broke buying a few thousand dollar furniture set for my first child. My football career paid well. I had no worries, and neither should have Bella. That was neither here nor there, now, because I was standing the middle of our daughter's bedroom alone, and waiting for the rest of my life to begin.

Unbuckling Sarah without waking her was a feat in itself. She was so tiny, and I was so not. My fingers seemed to be the size of her arms, and her hands looked to be miniature versions of mine. As her eyes fluttered open, her arm stretched out of the seat belt. Her tiny hand grasped onto my thick finger, and metaphorically, wrapped me tightly around it. Her upper lip quirked up into a smile, and I could not help but smile. I wriggled my finger.

"Hey there baby girl." I whispered. A small dimple formed on her left cheek at the sound of my voice. "Daddy loves you so much." I cradled her onto my chest, and moved her car seat from the chair to the floor, then sat down into the glider.

I still could not comprehend how much love I held for the small little girl laying on my chest. My heart skipped a beat every time she smiled. Supporting her head with one hand, I leaned her back and looked her over. With her legs stretched as far as they could go, Sarah barely reached my elbow. I smiled. She was beautiful. She was the perfect mixture of Bella and me.

After all that I had gone through with Bella, I had never imagined myself in a place like this. I had never pictured myself as a father. Yet, here I was a proud father of a beautiful baby girl named after my mother, and desperately in love with my best friend. I only hoped that someday I would get to tell her. That she would be able to hear me say those three words she'd been dying to hear all along.

Though the realization of my love for Bella had been a tough one, I could look back on it all and see it. I could feel it. I wondered why it took me so long to choose between my love for her and my fear of losing her. Had Sarah not come when she did I may have gone throughout my life not knowing that the love I was so desperately looking for was Bella's.

My life had oddly worked out. Back then, I would not have assumed that I would be sitting in the home I had bought for Bella and our child on the verge of losing Bella, and holding the most important gift I had ever been given.

Silently, I watched Sarah wiggle and move sporadically. After a few moments of admiring and appreciating my daughter, I changed her diaper only to be greeted with a not so appreciative cry, but that was soon quieted by the bottle of warm milk I had prepared. The nurses at the hospital had shown me how to properly mix formula, and change a diaper. I truly appreciated their gratuity, but the sad looks I received only made it harder for me to concentrate. Nonetheless, I would have to remember to thank them for everything they did.

Sarah and I sat back down in the glider. She drank her milk, and I rocked us back and forth while memorizing her every feature. It was then that I promised myself that if Bella made it through all of this that I would be whatever, whoever she needed me to be. I would walk on the water for her. I would turn water into whine. I would go to outer space and lasso a million stars if she wanted me to. I would do it all, and more, because I loved her with everything I had.

Once Sarah was finished with her bottle, we walked into the kitchen and rinsed the bottle before putting it in its designated drainer. I smiled knowing that had it not been for Bella I would have no idea where things went or what to do with dirty bottles.

"You're Mom would be so proud of me right now." I chuckled deeply, and Sarah smiled.

"You think that's funny, huh? Even you know Daddy is nothing without Mommy and you're only a week old. How could Daddy be so silly?"

I may have felt like an idiot talking to a baby before I had one, but it only seemed natural. She was a person, a human being, just like me, just like Bella, just like everyone else in the world. As we walked back to her bedroom, Sarah's eyes drew heavy, and she curled up into a tiny ball.

"Night baby girl. I love you," I whispered and kissed her forehead, relishing in her soft baby smell.

Gently, I placed Sarah in her crib, and covered her up with the velvety soft blanket Sue Clearwater had sent as a gift. Not willing to just walk away, I waited around for her to cry, to move, to be uncomfortable, but nothing. She was sleeping peacefully. I ran my fingers over the soft strands of her coal black hair, and whispered her one more "I love you" before I made my way to my bedroom.

Though, technically, Bella and I were never a couple before and during the time of her pregnancy, the room I slept in was often referred to as ours. I never complained. I wanted her next to me, but I was not willing to give her the chance she deserved. I heaved a heavy sigh.

Just as I sat on the edge of the bed and turned on the baby monitor, the tiny cries of a very unhappy Sarah erupted throughout the house. She had healthy lungs that was for sure. Quickly returning to her room, I picked her up and found instant silence.

With a throaty laugh, I whispered, "Uh oh. Someone's already spoiled."

I did not mind. Having something else to concentrate on helped to alleviate the sadness that somehow flowed parallel to the joy I felt. Resting Sarah on my chest, I sat back down in the glider and began to rock us back and forth. Sarah curled into a tiny neat ball over the left side of my chest. The thrumming of her heart pounded against my chest. It soothed me just as I hoped my heart beat soothed her. The thumping of Sarah's heart and the erratic beating of mine sang a lullaby putting both of us into a deep sleep.

I dreamed I was on a deserted island. The sound of thumping drums echoed in the background. I was cold, alone, and lost. The beating of the drums motivated me. It surrounded me with energy and willingness to do whatever I had to do to make it out alive. I would swim across the Pacific Ocean. I would walk a hundred miles to find origin of the beats that kept my heart from stopping. I searched high and low, but could not find where the drumming was coming from. I walked through black sands that felt as hot as fire. I jumped from cliff to cliff, and I swam in the coldest of icy waters. Yet, I still found nothing. The thrumming was louder than it was before, but I could not find it. As I approached a clearing of bright green grass, and the sound of falling water, a ring and a cry awoke me.

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

My cell phone was ringing and vibrating in my pocket, and Sarah was crying. I pulled the phone from my pocket and rocked in the glider to shush some of her cries.

"Hello." I answered without looking at the number.

"Mr. Black?" A female voice asked on the other end.

"Yes?" I sat up, quickly making Sarah angry. She let out a loud cry. Holding the phone between my cheek and my shoulder, I patted her back lightly letting her know that all would be okay, and that she could go back to sleep. "This is Mr. Black."

"This is Nurse Esme at County General. Dr. Cullen has asked me to call you."

"Did something happen?" I panicked. Nurse Esme's voice was far too nice, far too full of hope for something to be wrong.

"I can't discuss that over the phone. Perhaps you and Sarah should come back. I know you've only been home for a few hours, but it is of great importance that you come back."

"I'll be right there."

I didn't even give Nurse Esme time to respond before I hung up the phone. Sarah was buckled and secured in the back of the car in record timing.

"Sarah, Daddy's sorry for driving like an idiot, but…" I pushed the gas pedal to the floor. Guilt. Pleasure. Pain. Regret. Fear. Love. I could fell all of those feelings coursing through my veins all at the same time. "Something's happening with Mommy. We have to get there right now."

The car roared to life on the highway. Within fifteen minutes, I was standing at the nurse's station in ICU out of breath with a pink car seat, matted hair, and I'm sure there was spit up somewhere on me.

"Bella. Isabella Swan." I panted. "I'm. Here. Jacob. Black. This is our daughter Sarah." I pointed to the pink car seat in my grip. "Nurse Esme called. Said I had to come." I took a deep breath through my nose and doubled over.

The nurse laughed softly. "Ah. Jacob Black. Someone's been asking for you. Come with me."

The nurse whose name I never got lead Sarah and I passed the glass doors of the ICU, and down a hallway.

"Excuse me."

The nurse stopped and turned.

"Is Bella…" The words would not come out of my throat. My eyes clogged with tears, and my heart beat with both hope and fear.

"Isabella is right in here." The nurse swung the door open with a gentle smile.

There sitting up in the bed with her eyes softly closed was my Bella. Her cheeks were a blushing pink, and her lips a tender red. An oxygen tube ran around her face and up through her nose, but it was far better than no breathe at all. Casually, I walked into the room.

"She asked for me?"

"Yes. She's quite coherent." The nurse followed, but passed me as we reached Bella's bedside. She rounded the other side of Bella's bed and flipped a bright, neon light overhead on. "This isn't our normal visiting hours, but Dr. Cullen felt that you needed some extra time." The nurse looked between me, the pink carseat holding Sarah, and Bella. "Take all the time you need."

With that said, the nurse walked out of the room leaving me to my own assumptions. I looked over Bella. Her face held color. Her breathing was deep and normal. I reached out and touched her hand. She was warm.

"Bells," I whimpered. Her hand squeezed mine.

"Jake?" Bella's voice did not sound like her own. It was darker, raspier, but still, it was Bella.

My heart exploded in my chest. Love overflowed my veins. I tingled all over.

Bella's eyes squeezed shut, and then she opened them sluggishly.

"Bells."

The weight of the past week lifted from my shoulders. In its place settled the love I held for her, the love I wanted to share with her, the love that I now felt the need to explain.

"Jake." Her eyes filled with tears as did my own. "Where's?" I watched as her hands drifted down to her abdomen. "Is she okay?" Fear clouded her face and the color drained from it.

"She's perfect, Bella. So perfect." I explained, and lifted the carseat onto the bed. Pushing the handle back slowly, I watched Bella watch me lift our perfect daughter out of the car seat and into my arms. "Sarah Elizabeth Black, meet your Mom, Isabella Marie Swan."

I wanted to say Black, but I didn't. Giving Bella my last name would come in time. Right now, however, I needed to explain my feelings. I needed to tell her, but first, our daughter deserved to meet her mother.

The tears that had brimmed Bella's eyes fell as she reached out and lifted Sarah from my arms. A smile broke free across my face as Sarah stared up to her mother, and Bella watched Sarah intently. Bella went over each and every part of Sarah, learning her every detail from the long fingers she got from me to the almond eyes she got from her. Everything about this moment was all that I had hoped for, and all that I needed.

"How'd you know?" Bella whispered as she gazed at Sarah's full lips.

"How'd I know what?" My hand found its way to Bella's hair, and began to smooth it down.

"That I wanted to name her after your Mom?"

I swallowed. "I guess you could say I had some help with that." The memories from what could have been Bella's life flooded my brain.

"It's perfect. She's perfect." A tear made its way from Bella's eye down the bridge of her nose, and lingered there for a moment until she wiped it away with the back of her hand. She looked up to me with tear covered eyes. "Jake, she's so perfect." She sobbed.

"I know." I smiled lovingly and leaned in, kissing Bella's forehead.

It was time. Time for me to say it. I had to tell her. I felt a warm breeze blow against my back, and I knew Mom was somewhere watching over us. It gave me the courage to say what I needed to. So, I took a deep breath, let the fear subside, and said it.

"I love you, Bells." Bella's breath halted. "I'm in love with you." I closed my eyes and allowed a breath to take from me any apprehension. "I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you…"

"Shh…" Bella's finger pushed onto my lips. My eyes drifted open as Bella glanced up from our daughter to me. "Don't apologize." She took a deep glorifying breath. "Just… say it again." Dropping her finger from my lips, Bella watched the words fall from my mouth.

"I love you, Bells."

"I love you too, Jake."

A smile broke across my face, and on Bella's was a happiness that I couldn't begin to describe.

**THE END**

* * *

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to each and everyone of you who have read and reviewed. It means so much!

xoxo

imaginaryheartx


	29. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: **All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author's Note: **So, here it is. The bittersweet closure. The forever part.

**Gratitude: **Thank you to meliz875 for editing the epilogue wonderfully. To those who offered their opinions, stuck with this story through the breaks, and who trusted me when I promised a happy ending, thank you so much. I cherish each and every single one of you.

**To luvinj: **What do I say? You were the heart behind this story – always pushing for me to finish and allowing me those long needed breaks without so much as a question. Thank you for loving this story so much. Thank you for your unwavering support. Thank you for countless Skype sessions where I did nothing but ramble about Divine Intervention and all of its drama. Thank you for spending sleepless hours of your time brainstorming ideas that never saw the light of day. Thank you for reeling me in when I got a little lost. And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being the most amazing friend a girl could have. This is for you – every last word.

**Suggested Listening: **Nick Lachey – This I Swear; The Fray – Hundred.

"_Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."_

_1 Corinthians 13:4-7_

**Six Months Later**

**Jacob**

"Please don't do this!" Bella pleaded. Her cheeks blushed. "You can't. I'll do anything. I can change your mind."

"I'm sorry, Bells. I have to. It's just not practical anymore." Ignoring her pleas, I pushed open the door and allowed it to close behind me.

"Practical? Why does it have to be practical?" Bella's concern was taken from me to Sarah as she let out a loud, unhappy cry. "See?"

I glanced over my shoulder only to watch Bella make an exaggerated motion toward Sarah as though her crying had anything to do with the situation at hand. My eyes rolled on their own recognizance while Bella's lip quivered. When I didn't respond to her, she huffed and turned her back just as I took a seat in the barber's chair.

"If you're going to cut your hair off, then I can't watch!"

"Don't you think you're being a little dramatic?" I chuckled, knowing that what I had said would land me in the doghouse any other time. But today was different. In a few hours, I would be flying to Pittsburgh for the season. There was no way Bella would let me leave with anger in her heart. So, I'd chosen today purposely to cut my hair.

I never really understood Bella's attachment to my long hair, but in all honesty, it wasn't practical for me to have it any longer. Having a six-month-old baby was hard enough without having to worry about what she'd put in your hair or if you'd remembered to brush it at all. Plus, Sarah's tiny fingers always seemed to tie the tiniest of knots into the most inconvenient spots. Football season was closing in and as much as I enjoyed expressing my native roots, long hair didn't really seem to be, well, practical for that either.

"Okay. Maybe I am, but I just… I love you with the long hair."

"And you won't love me with short hair?" I smiled that wide grin that weakened Bella's knees.

With a soothing deep breath, Bella groaned. "I'll love you either way."

"You better."

I was still growing used to expressing my love for Bella. And at times, I was a little shy about it, but Bella was patient. Her patience only made me love her even more.

Sarah let out another ear-busting cry and squirmed impatiently in Bella's arms. "I guess I should take her out to the car and feed her while you're being completely irrational!" A small grin worked its way onto her lips. "You do this while I'm feeding her. At least I won't have to watch."

Bella leaned down just far enough for me to stretch my spine out and kiss her. "Thank you for trying to understand."

"You're welcome." She spoke against my lips and then kissed them again. "See you in a few."

As Bella headed out of the door, the barber slipped a smock over me and asked, "How much do you want to take off."

"All of it."

Thirty minutes later I was on my way to the airport. Bella drove quietly , eyeing me every few seconds. Her response to the shortness of my hair was a quiet squeak and groan. Other than that, Bella didn't really speak up about it. The only sign of her opinion was the way her cheeks would flush and the way her neck turned splotchy every time she stared at me for longer than a second.

I chuckled in my chest and squeezed onto her hand. "I love you, Bella."

That brought a bright smile onto her face. "I love you too."

When we reached the airport, Bella's speed slowed. Her movements were drawn out and exaggerated. She took her time unbuckling Sarah from her car seat and made me wait until Sarah was out to even start unloading the trunk.

Bella handed Sarah to me, and I welcomed my daughter in my arms. Quietly, Bella watched me kiss Sarah's forehead and cheeks until they were almost chapped. After I was done, I turned my attention to Bella, who was leaning against the car taking in the moment with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Dad's going to watch her for the rest of the week while you're at the aquarium."

Bella nodded. "Marybelle and Dad might take her a day or two, but I'll let Billy know the night before."

"That's fine." I reached out my arm and looped it around her shoulders. Pulling Bella into my chest, I squeezed her tightly. "Five more days and you'll be living on the east coast."

"Who would have ever thought I'd leave Forks?"

"I always hoped you would."

The oak door to the condo opened quietly. A dark solitude moved through the newly remodeled but rarely used rooms as I wheeled my bags inside. I hadn't been back here since January, which seemed to be a lifetime ago. So much had changed between then and now. I was a different man.

The walls of the condominium seemed bare compared to the memory-covered walls of the beach house. Bella and Sarah were woven into the foundation there, but, here, it was just me. Modern leather furniture was sporadically placed by an unknown decorator hired on a whim to keep my mind off of Bella and her pregnancy.

The beach house, however, encased something that I could never replicate no matter how hard I tried. Love was woven into every last inch of that place while the condo had sheltered my fear. That fear was gone now, and I suppose that's why it seemed so lonesome.

Bella and Sarah were my definition of life. They were my family, my dreams, and my hopes. Living without them – even for just five days – would prove challenging. I hoped the time without them would pass quickly.

I busied myself the following day with unpacking and straitening up. The condominium smelled musky, sheltered, and new. The scent burned my nose because I was used to smelling home cooked meals, baby powder, and Bella's favorite vanilla candles. I sighed and pushed open the window in the bedroom. Returning to my suitcases, I pulled out a freshly-washed t-shirt. I held it to my nose and inhaled the soft, clean aroma of our laundry detergent with just a hint of the ocean mixed in.

I took my time unpacking, making sure all my clothes were neatly folded and put away. The less time I had alone and to myself, the less I missed my family and our home. Once my duffle bag was empty, I tossed it off the side of the bed. It rattled loudly on its way down, and so I pushed my hand through the small opening between the zippers in search for the rattler. With a lonely sigh, my hand returned with a purple and orange baby rattle. I shook it back and forth, my mind focused solely on the daughter who was probably sleeping peacefully in her crib.

I fell back onto the not-as-comfortable-or-big bed. With the rattle still in my hand, I held it to my chest as I stared up at the vaulted ceiling. Even it seemed dull and less remarkable than it had before.

A million thoughts bounced in my head as I tried relaxing. I worried about practice in the coming weeks. I worried if I had trained enough, if I had memorized the plays correctly, and exactly how having a new daughter would reflect on my game. I worried about Sarah. Useless worries like did she know I was gone? Would it affect her? Would she remember me when her and Bells finally came?

Then there was Bella.

Had I told her I loved her enough? Did she believe me now? Could she feel how much I truly loved her? How much I needed her? And if not… was there a way that I could make her feel the love I always carried for her?

My concentration peaked on that last question. Regrets flooded my heart and thus the anxiety roaring through my veins. And suddenly, I wished I could go back in time, back to the moment I felt my heart skip a beat, back when she jumped in my arms on her surprise visit to Florida, back when I knew I loved her but tried to deny it.

I loved Bella, but there were moments when I was blinded by whatever obstacle – Jessica, Embry, dreams, growing up, college – was in our way, yet we overcame each of them. Somehow, Bella and I surpassed our regrets, mistakes, and fears together as one. Each fear, each regret, each obstacle tying the knot on the string that secured me to her.

From the corner of my eye, I spied a package of sticky notes lying on my night stand. I clutched them in my grip and trekked off to the den to find an ink pen, marker, pencil… anything that would leave a readable mark on the yellow pieces of paper in my hand.

With a pen in hand, I scribbled out the first moment I knew I loved Bella. Like the domino effect, memories of moments when I should have, when I could have told her exactly how I felt, rippled through my head, overloading my heart until I had no other option than to get them out.

**Four Days Later**

**Bella**

Walking through the airport seemed to take forever. Seconds counted down like hours. Minutes passed like days. The time on my cell phone never seemed to change, and with every step toward security, I relinquished my sanity to the army of butterflies flapping their wings in my stomach.

Swaddled in my arms was a tired Sarah. Her first plane ride was long and fussy, but considering that we were flying across the continental U.S., I was proud of her. I pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Just after my lips parted her black locks, I glanced up to the gathering of travelers bottle-necking through the security gate just ahead.

Following the hoard of people, I waited for my turn to exit. Sarah squirmed at the tightly packed quarters and the random conversation was almost too much for me to stand. Bouncing her in my arm, I lifted her until her cheek met mine and hummed softly into her ear a gentle lullaby. When that didn't seem to help, I kindly whispered, "It's okay, Sarah. Daddy's here somewhere. He's going to be so happy to see you."

Just in that moment a small puff of warm wind blew the strands of my hair across my left shoulder. Remembering the dream I had once had, I lifted my eyes in the direction of the breeze. A gasp of breath left me as Jacob weaved in and out of awaiting family members and friends of other passengers.

Just as I had done, I watched him follow an invisible gust of wind with his eyes until they locked on me.

A wide, handsome grin melted onto his face, mirroring my own. With a casual wave of his hand, Jacob patiently waited the last five seconds of our separation. The moment I stepped in front of him, with Sarah in my arms, Jacob securely wrapped his arms around Sarah and me.

"I missed you so much," he whispered into my ear.

"Missed you too, Jake." I responded with the beat of my heart.

And as he pulled back, Jacob lovingly pressed a gentle, cherishing kiss upon my lips. His nose swiped across mine twice while his onyx eyes burned torturously loving holes through me. "I love you, Bells."

"I love you too, Jacob." I answered proudly.

"There's my little girl." Jacob swooped Sarah out of my arms and lifted her into the air, causing an ample amount of giggles and awe's from random people. "Daddy missed you so much."

I watched Jacob with Sarah and how he beamed with every bat of her lashes and giggling laugh. As if I thought I couldn't love him anymore than I already did, my heart catapulted toward his proud, fatherly smile and intoxicating laugh.

We had been through so much since I realized I was in love with him the summer before our senior year. My last trip to see my mother sealed my heart, and no matter how many times he broke me, the love I held for him grew every day. Without Jacob, without his mistakes, without his fears, without everything he was, I would not be everything I was.

Left lingering in me were questions only Jacob could answer. I only hoped someday I would be able to ask those questions and tolerate those answers.

However, it wasn't the moment to ask those questions. Jacob and I deserved to be happy. We deserved years of love and happiness.

After picking up our baggage and loading it, we climbed into the car and headed toward the condo that would become our home. Jacob's smile never left his face as he chatted away about nothing. His eyes diverted to the rear-view mirror every few minutes to check on our daughter tucked away in her carseat just behind me.

We talked about nothing. It was the perfect kind of conversation, the kind that takes your mind off of your worries and to a happier place. But I noticed the closer we came to the condo the more sparse the conversation became. And as we pulled into the driveway, you could almost hear a pin drop.

The summer air was thick with silence as Jacob and I exited the car. I opened the back door and began to unbuckle Sarah when Jacob interrupted just as he lifted the trunk.

"Hey Bells?"

"Yeah?" I pulled myself out of the backseat and peered around the rear of the car.

"Could you run and open the door for me? I'll watch Sarah."

"What about the bags?" I asked.

"I'll get them. Just go unlock the door." Jacob reached the keys out to me and dangled them from his finger.

With a cock of my eyebrow and a curious look, I snatched the keys from Jacob's pointed finger and walked the few steps toward the front door. I flipped through the keys as I took the steps of the porch two at a time. Opening the storm door, I glanced over my shoulder toward Jacob who stood with his arm leaned against the open trunk watching my every move. As soon as he noticed I was watching him, Jacob ducked into the backseat, lifting Sarah out of the car.

Perplexed by his need to watch me, I pushed the key into the door and twisted the knob. Reaching through the door, I flipped on the light switch and stepped inside. The keys clanked on the table when I set them down.

Catching my attention from the corner of my eye was a wall of yellow. And as I turned to face the wall, which ran the entire length of the condo, my mouth fell ajar.

Focusing my eyes, I realized the wall of yellow was actually a white wall with what looked to be a million sticky notes stuck to it. Flustered as to why Jake would do such a thing, I stepped closer, squinting as scribbles on the sticky notes caught my attention. I reached out, my fingers grappling one and plucking it from the wall.

The creaking of the storm door opening and closing pulled my attention from the sticky note in my hand and to Jacob and Sarah. A sheepish smile crept onto his face and he glanced toward the floor.

"What's this?" I asked quietly.

"Those are," he sat Sarah down in the playpen just adjacent to the area we were standing in, "all of the times I should have told you how much I loved you."

I gasped as the air left my lungs. My hand flew to my mouth and my heart stammered in my chest. My glazed-over eyes read the sticky note between my fingers.

_When you surprised me in Florida._

Tears trickled from my eyes. My hand drifted to my chest and rested just over my heart. Its flutters, I was sure, could be felt for miles.

_In the bubble bath where we made love._

Jacob stepped next to me, his shoulder bumping mine just slightly. He tucked his hands into his pockets. "It started off as just a way for me to repent, but ended up being something bigger." His voice ventured lower as he spoke and I read. "I wanted to tell you, show you, how much you meant to me even when I…was being a jackass."

_On the fifty-yard line at the stadium._

_At Christmas while stringing popcorn garland._

"I didn't realize how many, how much…" A soft crack of his voice turned my attention toward him. "How many times I should have." Jacob's eyes fell back to the wall of sticky notes containing every moment he could think of and remember in which he didn't speak his true feelings to me.

So my attention floated back.

_New Years Eve._

_On your birthday._

_On my birthday._

_After every apology._

_At the end of every conversation._

"Jacob… you didn't have to…" I tried to mumble, but the words came out merely as whispers.

"I know." He answered with a shrug of his shoulder. "I wanted to."

As I read every sticky note, my love for Jacob doubled. The ones that were the most specific, the ones where I could almost feel his words – where I could see the moments – I plucked them from the wall to hold them close to me.

_When you told me you were pregnant._

_In the aquarium tunnel when you reached out for me._

I continued my journey down the wall of sticky notes. The beat of my heart was erratic at best as I realized just how much Jacob truly loved me. It wasn't simply because I gave birth to his child. His feelings stemmed further back, back to when I questioned his every movement, his every word.

"This is just the beginning, Bells. There are so many other times I wanted to put on here, but that was before I actually knew I was in love with you. These..." he pointed to the yellow wall, "are all times when I knew…even before Sarah."

"Are y-y-you saying that.."

"I was scared back then, Bells. I…"He rolled his eyes at his selfish reasons. "It doesn't matter now. All that matters is now, tomorrow, a day from now, a week from now, a month from now, years from now. Bella, I'm going to love you then just as much as I love you now, if not more."

_When I got drafted._

_Buying the beach house._

_The day I found out we were having a girl._

_The night I almost lost you._

"And these?" Jacob eyed the wall again, "They're promises, Bells. We'll have plenty more times like them. I won't take another one for granted."

_When you stopped breathing._

_When you said you loved me._

"I know you can't read them all right now." Jacob turned as I gawked at every moment written on the wall. "But there's one more that I didn't put up there, because I don't think it really counts."

"What is it?" Turning from the wall, I faced Jacob.

Jacob fished in his right pocket while his left stayed steady in the other. Finally, his hand retracted bringing with it a bright pink sticky note. He watched his hand as I reached out, sliding the pink sticky note from between Jacob's fingers. Carefully I read the words scrawled out in his scribbled hand writing.

_The second I decided to propose._

Another round of warm, salty tears littered my cheeks and a sob parted my lips. My eyes floated to where Jake previously was standing only to find him kneeling on his knee. A black velvet box rimmed with polished silver was clutched in his hand.

"I may have not said it as much as I should, but I love you." Warm glistening tears fogged Jacob's onyx eyes until a single tear dripped from one. "I will love you until forever."

With a slip of his hand, Jacob opened the velvet box revealing a delicately extravagant circular diamond surrounded by what looked to be hundreds of smaller diamonds.

"You're my everything, Bells. Will you marry me?"

My head nodded wildly, a smile warming the tears falling haphazardly from my eyes.

"Yes."

Taking the ring from the box, Jacob slipped it onto my left ring finger. His thick fingers held it in place as a wildly adorning smile spread over his face. "YES!" I yelled as my arms wrapped around his neck. "A million times… yes."

The rapid pace of my heart melded with Jacobs in our embrace. His warm, inviting lips sealed his proposal with a kiss, and his nose rubbed gently across my own, entangling the intricate web of love we wove with the friendship we both cherished. By the time I could part my lips from his, Sarah was in my arms. Jacob weaved his arms around my waist, cradling his hand under Sarah, our fingers entangling completing the perfectly imperfect circle of our hearts.

A gentle but warm breeze capsulated the three of us. The simple abnormality may have been overlooked by some, but Jacob and I gazed toward one another, understanding reflecting in our eyes. With a gentle smile, I spoke.

"I think your mom would be proud."

"Yeah. " Jacob watched the invisible wind dance around the three of us. A bright, loving smile graduated across his lips as his eyes danced between the moving wind, myself, and Sarah. "Me too.


End file.
